12 Steps - Part 12
Title: 12 Steps
Author: Gedry
Pairings: Dean/Castiel, Sam, Bobby AU
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 33032
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me. I am making no profit from this fanfiction.
Beta: dragonmage86
Alpha: moonofblindness
Spoilers: None
Warnings: mentions of past drug use, mentions of parental neglect.
Summary: The 12 Steps tell you to keep it simple, but Dean Winchester has never been good at keeping anything simple. So, with the help and support of the core people in his life he’s giving sobriety his best shot, which even on a good day is a struggle. But as he works at it he makes progress and starts to rediscover himself, and maybe find love with the new guy next door.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
The church is beautiful-even Dean can admit that at this point. He strung up enough of the God-forsaken flowers to notice. He’s not sure if he will be able to move his fingers tomorrow but Jessica is happy, and therefore Sam is happy, and therefore Dean is happy. This day is really not about him. He does his job throughout the wedding-standing straight and tall and silent at his brother’s twitching side. He hands the ring over without incident and remembers to not lock his knees.
Dean’s nervous. He hasn’t been in a church in years, and up until recently in his life he’s had a less-than-stable relationship with the Almighty. Things are looking up, though, and with over two years of solid sobriety under his belt Dean is focusing more of his step work on building a relationship with himself, and with something out there that is bigger than he is. He’s still not sure he’s ready to call it God but Bobby once told him, “Call it your Aunt Petunia if you want, it doesn’t matter. Just believe.”
Just believing can be hard sometimes, but Dean’s getting there a little bit at a time.
He grins hugely as his sasquatch of a brother tips down to kiss his bride. Then he escorts one of Jessica’s three hundred brides maids out of the church and over to the reception area. She’s a pretty girl who squeezes his arm a little too tight as he starts to step away. Dean snorts to himself, thinking that a few years ago Sam would have probably caught them having sex in the pews later. But Dean only has eyes for one person in this whole place now.
Cas slips up beside him quietly and pulls him in for a kiss. “Jealous?” Dean teases, and then chuckles at his boyfriend’s dark look. “You don’t have any reason to be, you know.”
“I know,” Cas whispers. “But staking a clear claim never hurt anyone.”
Dean rolls his eyes. He stifles a laugh when he sees the look of disappointment on the bridesmaid’s face. Maybe Cas is right about clear messages.
The music is tolerable and the evening air is crisp and comfortable. They stuff down the horribly over-priced catered food and spend much of the evening chatting with Jessica’s parents. Dean can’t help but flinch when the staff starts passing out glasses for the toast. Someone has to speak for Sam and there’s no-one else here. Dean’s been wallowing in anxiety about it for weeks now and still doesn’t have a plan for what the hell he’s going to say. There are a few looks of confusion when people raise their glasses after Jessica’s parents speak. But Dean’s on his feet before things can get too rowdy.
“I’m Sam’s brother, Dean. First off I would like to thank Jessica for using apple cider instead of champagne. I’m an alcoholic and she’s gone out of her way to make me feel comfortable. So please don’t start any rumors about her being pregnant-the lack of alcohol is all my fault.” There’s a burst of nervous laughter from around the room.
“My brother is a really good man,” Dean announces. “He turned out that way pretty much on his own. I love him very much. Sam and I have had some really rough spots and I’m pretty sure they have all been my fault. I’m grateful to be here and really honored to be his best man. He’s loyal and kind and smart, my little brother. He always watches out for the people he loves and Jessica is really lucky to have him-so am I. I’m not sure I ever took the time to appreciate all the ways he hung in there with me, when it would have been easier for him to walk away. So I want to do that now. Thanks for sticking with me, Sammy. You really make me proud to call you my brother.” They toast and Dean slides back into his chair with shaking hands and sweaty palms.
“I’m really proud of you too, Dean,” Sam shouts, loud enough for the whole room to hear, and Dean’s so happy that he managed not to fuck up the reception that his memory over everything leading up to the cake will always be blurry.
The cake he remembers though-It was unbelievably good and Jessica gave him two slices. Holding Cas tight while they slid around the dance floor was pretty awesome too. Dean’s never danced before.
He and Cas hold hands as they stroll to their car after the reception winds down, and they made sure everyone was getting home safely and the caterers have cleaned everything up. “It was a really nice wedding,” Cas whispers and Dean laughs. “Promise me we never have to do that.”
“Um, no,” Cas chuckles. “I think we can skip the pomp and circumstance thank you very much.”
“I love you,” Dean breathes as they slip into the car and get ready to head for home.
“I love you, too,” Cas smiles.
“Can we have a serious discussion?” Cas blurts out one night towards the end of the summer. Dean raises an eyebrow in concern but nods his head.
“Amelia and I have been talking.” Cas still can’t quite keep the sour tone out of his voice when he says her name, but he’s been working hard on it. “Jesse is having a really good time with her and she was hoping to be able to extend her visit.”
“How?” Dean’s confused. “Jesse has to be back here to start school at the end of August.” There’s a moment where Dean is scared shitless that Cas is going to tell him he’s decided to let Jesse move down there to live with his mom. Even though it might be good for the kid, Jesse is a part of this family and Dean loves him. He doesn’t want to lose that connection.
“She wants to move here,” Cas explains.
Dean blinks “How do you feel about that, Cas?”
Cas shrugs and scoots closer to Dean to slip his fingers around Dean’s hand and squeeze. “I’m nervous-but it would make a lot of things easier. I wouldn’t be worried about not getting to see Jesse if he decides to live with his mother. I’d be close by if something happened. He wouldn’t feel like he had to choose one of us.”
“She can move up here?” Dean’s curious.
“She works as a book editor, so her job is pretty flexible. It wouldn’t be too much trouble.” Cas explains. “She would have to find a place to live up here somewhere in town or something, and that could take a while but I think it might be workable.”
Dean pulls his boyfriend in for a hug and holds Cas gently until he feels the tension start to bleed away. He smiles into Cas’ hair before commenting, “I was going to ask you to move in with me tonight.”
Cas shoots away from Dean like he suddenly caught fire. “You were what?”
“I was going to ask you and Jesse to move in with me,” Dean repeats slowly. “I love you, and I love Jesse, and I want us to be a family. I know you’re right next-door and everything, but I’m tired of going to bed without you-I want to be with you. I want to really be with you.”
Cas blinks and Dean bites down on the inside of his lips in worry. This is a huge thing-a really huge thing that they haven’t talked about. Dean’s been really careful about rushing into things with Cas and their whole relationship has had this warm, slow-brewed effect. He doesn’t want to change that but Dean’s ready for more. He wants more.
“I have to make a phone call,” Cas blurts out, and Dean stares in shocked silence at the other man’s back as he flees outside with his cell phone. Cas is gone a long time, and Dean manages to close his mouth and pick up from dinner, wash the dishes, and say the serenity prayer like a hundred times. When Cas comes back into the house he has a smile on his face, and Dean feels the band of tension surrounding his chest start to ease up.
“Everything okay?” he asks.
“Jesse and I would be honored to live with you Dean.” Cas grins brightly and it makes so much more sense now.
“You called Jesse?”
“Of course I did,” Cas snorts. “I had to ask him what he wanted to do. We’re kind of a package deal.”
Dean chuckles and then laughs outright at the joy that bubbles up inside his chest. He has Cas picked up and is swinging him around the entryway so fast that the other man just clings to him and squeals. Dean has a life, a home, a family. He’s not a ghost anymore.
Bobby stalks across the room to him one night at a packed meeting and announces “Dean, this is Adam; Adam, this is Dean. You two should get to know each other,” before turning on his heels and walking away.
Dean takes a look at the young guy in front of him and figures he can’t be more than twenty at most. “Hi,” he offers, since the guy looks a little green.
“Bobby says you would make a good sponsor,” Adam stutters out in response.
Dean’s floored. “I’m not nearly as good as Bobby-you should ask him.”
Adam shrugs and wipes his face before grinding out “I did-and he says he only takes on one sponsee at a time, usually, and that his current one is keeping him really busy. He said I should ask you.”
“So are you?” Dean chuckles, remembering when he was in this situation and how much he’d thought he might die when he approached Bobby.
“Am I what?”
“Asking me?” Dean prompts.
Adam looks at him for a long minute before shuffling his feet and clenching his hands. “I need a sponsor.”
“I got that part,” Dean agrees. “I’m still a little confused about the whole ‘if you’re asking me’ portion of this conversation.”
Something defiant and bright flares up behind Adam’s beaten down eyes as he snaps, “Are you always this hard to deal with?”
Dean laughs. “That sponsee Bobby was talking about, that keeps him so busy? That’s me, man. Take it or leave it-It’s up to you.”
Adam actually smiles a little before he swallows the last of his pride and says, “Will you help me?” Dean remembers what it felt like to do that so vividly. “Sure, man-as long as you’re willing to help yourself.”
They move Amelia into Cas’ house and let her rent it for cheap. She’s grateful, and Dean is quick to introduce her to the recovery community in the area. She’s motivated; she gets a sponsor, and even though they don’t really go to the meetings together Dean crosses paths with her enough to know she’s trying to stay straight.
Jesse goes back and forth between their two houses, and Dean chuckles when he overhears the kid get into a detailed discussion of his tangled family dynamics with one of the guys from the garage one day when they are putting the last of the parts on the Impala. Jesse finally waves his hand at Dean, saying, “No, no, we don’t all live together: I have two houses, one mother, two dads, and then Uncle Sam and Aunt Jessica. It’s really not that complicated.”
Dean decides Jesse is right-He tells Cas as much when they’re cuddled in bed together that night. Cas laughs.
“I like that kid,” Dean chuckles.
“He likes you.” Cas grins as he sets aside the book he was reading, and combs his fingers through Dean’s hair.
Dean shifts, and something must show on his face because Cas asks, “What is it?”
“I like me, too,” Dean whispers, and at Cas’ odd look adds, “I don’t think I have ever really liked myself before. I’m happy with who I am, now.”
Cas moves down in the bed and presses a kiss to the top of Dean’s head as he pulls him close. “I love who you are.”
“I love you, too, Cas.”