12 Steps - Step 3
Title: 12 Steps
Author: Gedry
Pairings: Dean/Castiel, Sam, Bobby AU
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 33032
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me. I am making no profit from this fanfiction.
Beta: dragonmage86
Alpha: moonofblindness
Spoilers: None
Warnings: mentions of past drug use, mentions of parental neglect.
Summary: The 12 Steps tell you to keep it simple, but Dean Winchester has never been good at keeping anything simple. So, with the help and support of the core people in his life he’s giving sobriety his best shot, which even on a good day is a struggle. But as he works at it he makes progress and starts to rediscover himself, and maybe find love with the new guy next door.
3. We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
“Tell me about your relationship history.”
Dean almost throws up. “Can we not talk about this?”
Pam stares at him until he follows up with, “Well, you know about Lisa and Cassie. Other than that I don’t really have a history of anything serious. I’ve got some people that I had a lot of fun with. We moved around so much when I was growing up that I never bothered really getting close to anyone.”
“So you’re telling me you spent most of your life celibate?” She says it so dryly and Dean knows she is yanking his chain.
“Fuck no,” Dean laughs. “I’ve been significantly less than celibate.”
“Tell me about it.” Pam’s not letting up.
“Ummm,” Dean’s blushing. He hesitates and then blurts out, “I had sex for the first time when I was fifteen behind a grocery store with some girl. We were just passing through -hell, we were always just passing through.”
He looks up and Pam stares back him with her eyebrows raised. He heaves a sigh and decides to just answer the question. “I’ve lost count of the number of people I’ve slept with. Really, I just don’t know. Having sex was never a big deal to me. It’s fun and easy and when it’s over then it’s just over. No strings attached. It’s not a big deal.”
“You get your needs met but no intimacy.”
“I guess,” Dean mutters. “I’m not really good with letting people get close to me.”
“You don’t consider sex as people being close to you.”
Dean thinks about it for minute. He’s never really looked at it that way. “I guess not.”
“You always used protection?”
Dean shrugs uncomfortably. “No.”
“Ever been tested?”
“No.”
Pam doesn’t say anything else about it and Dean knows she won’t. It’s the way she works-she’ll let him turn it over in his head for a while and drive himself crazy with it before she brings it up again, maybe like two week from now or so.
It’s an effective strategy-Dean drives himself nuts. He knows he has some seriously high-risk behaviors. Hell, he’s shot up and he’s sure shared needles with at least one, if not ten, people. Bobby finally just drops him off at the health department and tells him to just suck it up and find out.
Dean considers himself lucky in the end. He’s Hep C positive but at least he doesn’t have HIV. He does some research and finds out the treatment options. It looks grueling but the doctor he speaks to says he seems like a good candidate for treatment. This is assuming he can afford to pay for it. Right now he can’t.
Sobriety is a struggle sometimes. There are days when Dean wants to shoot up so badly that he dreams about it at night, wakes up covered in sweat with his stomach rolling in his belly. He remembers vividly the feel of the needle sliding in and the wave of euphoria when he pushes the plunger down.
Sometimes he has to check his wallet and make sure his money is still there. It just all seems so real.
Bobby and Pam both tell him it’s normal. Sometimes if it weren’t for them Dean would think he had lost his mind.
He decides to go to Sam’s undergraduate graduation after a lot of talking to Pam and Bobby about it. They all know his dad is going to be there and traveling means Dean is on his own as far as being able to reach out to his support system.
His dad is a huge trigger and Dean’s scared as hell, but he owes it to Sammy.
The look Sam gives him the first time he sees Dean makes the flight on the airplane and the curse of dealing with dad worth it.
Sam drags him off the ground in a huge bear hug and blubbers out, “You look great, Dean.”
Dean hangs onto the hug a little longer than probably normal, but it feels too good to bask in the joy of someone being proud of him for the first time in what feels like forever.
Dean picks up his nine-month key-tag in a meeting with Sam that night. He’s a little overdue but he wanted his brother to see him do it. Sam, the gigantic girl that he is, cries. Dean takes his brother out for a late dinner after that and calls Bobby to check in.
Sam hesitates over his French fries and then says, “Dad’s coming tomorrow.”
“I know,” he replies tersely.
Sam swallows and then pokes Dean in the arm with his fork. “Dad is in shitty shape Dean. I don’t want him messing you up. If you want me to tell him to leave you just say the word and he’s gone, okay?”
Dean’s touched by his brother’s level of care for him. He knows Sam really will make their dad leave. “Thanks Sammy, but I need to figure out how to handle Dad on my own, too.”
Dean’s not expecting their dad to look like he’s been on a three-year bender: but then, Dean thinks he probably has. It only takes fifteen minutes for him to piss Sam off. Dean gets stuck in the middle trying to negotiate his father sobering up a little bit before going to the ceremony. Dad’s in one of those moods where he says he’s sober and fuck them for thinking he’s not.
Sam storms off and Dad passes out before they even leave to go see Sam walk. Dean stares at his father a long time before he wanders out of the apartment and stares at the broken down, beat up Impala that was basically their home growing up.
I guess Dad took as good a care of you as he took of us.
Dean pats her gently and fights back the tears. He sits down on her hood and finally breaks down.
“Ok, so I don’t know how to do this because I’ve never prayed before. But if there is someone up there or out there that’s paying attention to me…I need some help.” Dean swallows and shrugs off the thought that he is being an idiot. He looks around to make sure no one can hear him before he continues, “My dad’s a mess, and I’m a mess, and I don’t want to end up like my dad. So if you could maybe help me out a little here I would really appreciate it. I’m not asking for anything specific but, I’m going to leave now and go watch my little brother graduate. It would be really awesome if things were better when we get back, because I’m hanging by a thread here and could really use some help.” He stops for a second and repeats, “I need some help.”
Dean claps so hard for Sam his hands hurt. They go out for dinner and Sam goes with him to another meeting. When they get back to his apartment their dad’s gone and the place is a mess. Sam says he went through his drawers and stole some of his money. When Dean drops off to sleep that night on Sam’s couch, he whispers quietly, “Thank you.”
He also starts thinking maybe it was sign. Dean and Sam have their first adult, sober, meaningful conversation the morning before Dean leaves.
“I think I need to stop talking to Dad for a while,” Dean blurts out over breakfast.
Sam swallows his toast and looks at Dean for a long time before he says, “Ok. I think you’re right. What can I do to help?”
Dean flushes at the swell of relief that flows through him. “Sammy, thanks, man.”
“Dean, you’re my brother, you raised me. If you need my help with anything, you’ve got it. You saved my life that night when you told the cops I had no idea what was going on. I’m never going to forget that.” Sam is gripping his fork so hard Dean thinks it’s bending.
“If I hadn’t gone to jail, Sam, I would have ended up just like dad. Don’t feel bad about it. I made my choices and I think I’m getting better. It’s just taking me a while because I have to do everything the hard way.” Dean smiles at his brother and Sam smiles back.
“What about Dad?”
Dean sighs “I’m going to change my number when I get home. I’ll call you with the new one. Please just don’t give it to Dad. I can’t be around him, Sammy…when I am I want to use.”
Dean thinks about it on the flight home and realizes that more and more often he has to ask for help and admit he’s lost. All these things he was raised to never do. Things he was taught would make him weak.
He tells Bobby that he’s planning to move out on his own. Bobby mutters, “’Bout damn time,” but cuffs the back of Dean’s neck with gentle affection.
He does some research and looks at the money he’s saved up from living with Bobby. He ends up buying a beat up old house down the street from the salvage yard. It’s torn up and broken down, and when Dean looks at it all he sees is the answer to the question Pam has been asking him for a month.
“What are you doing with all your free time?” she says again at their next session.
Dean beams and responds, “I’m fixing up my house.”
He gives his last urine screen at the probation office and has finally paid back all his restitution. The day he gets the papers that say he is off probation, he goes straight to Pam’s office and demands that she follow up on something she told him when he first started treatment.
“You told me if I made it off probation you would do a cartwheel,” he says as he holds out the papers. “I’m calling your bluff.”
Pam looks them over and rolls her eyes. As they pass the front desk he hears her tell the office manager, “Thank God I wore pants today.”
Next thing he knows they’re out in the parking lot of the building and Pam is lining up for a cartwheel. Dean’s stunned-he never thought she would actually do it. He laughs so hard he almost falls over when she goes through with it. But then she stands up and says to him, “Come on Dean. We’re in this together. I’m not going to be out here doing cartwheels on my own.”
Everyone is watching them-people have come out of their offices and piled into the small parking lot. Dean looks around and thinks about bolting. No way is this happening. Pam leans over and says, “What are you waiting for?”
Dean’s never done a cartwheel in his life. By the third one he thinks he might be getting the hang of it.
Life is really weird sometimes.
Dean’s been avoiding dating. At least, dating the way he knows Pam and Bobby think of it. He’s decided to take a break from women-too many complications. Men, on the other hand, seem easy. He’s got a few friends that he spends some time with, and if some of that time involves sex it’s no big deal. Nobody is getting hurt and everyone knows that Dean has a no strings attached policy.
Until two of his fuck-buddies have a disagreement in the parking lot of the church the meeting is being held in. While Dean is standing there watching these two grown men roll around in the dirt and scream at each other Bobby walks up behind him and says, “Son, we gotta talk.”
Dean ends up doing a relationship inventory for Bobby and, just for extra added embarrassment, Bobby makes him show it to Pam. Dean’s horrified that after Bobby makes him regurgitate every encounter he can remember that he’s filled up half a notebook worth of people and is pretty sure he left a bunch out.
Bobby and Pam have come to the same conclusion.
“You need to take a break,” Pam tells him.
“What do you mean when you say ‘break’?”
“I want you to lay off pursuing intimacy of any kind for a year.” Pam says it like this is even possible.
Dean howls with laughter until he sees that she’s not smiling. “Are you fucking kidding me?”
“No, Dean, I’m serious. You need time to sort yourself out and figure out why you can be physical with someone but can’t be committed and open with them.”
“A year is too long.”
“Are you saying you can’t do it?” Pam is baiting him and he knows it.
Dean never could back down from a challenge. “Ok, so a year of celibacy. Can I still jack off?”
He knows he is being lewd-he’s trying to get a reaction out of her. It’s a mistake. She smiles gently at him before saying, “Of course you can-masturbation is an important part of an adult life. It’s normal to have needs and self-fulfillment is appropriate given the right circumstances. Just make sure you’re alone and that you aren’t offending anyone.”
Dean is blushing so hard he’s sure his face is apple colored. “Damn, Pam, did you have to put it that way?”
She laughs. “Backfired on you didn’t it?”