Love in Every Stitch - help-japan fic Part 1
Title: Love in Every Stitch
Author: Gedry
Pairings: Dean/Castiel
Rating: Nc-17
Word Count: 11,121
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me. I am making no profit from this fanfiction.
Beta: wolfrider89
Spoilers: none
Warnings: none
Summary: Written for nicole_sill who won me in the help-japan auction. She asked for a Dean/Cas high school AU involving them being friends for a long time and Castiel falling in love with Dean and knitting him a sweater.
Love in Every Stitch
When he heard about falling in love, Castiel Novak had always thought it was this moment in time when you were overcome with emotion and affection for another person. He imagined it would be like opening a door and seeing them for the first time.
Or maybe it would be more like getting hit on the back of the head with a two-by-four.
In either case he thought when he fell in love he would know it, that he would always remember the exact moment when he met the love of his life.
He’s young, and kind of a dreamer. Life isn’t really like that.
The Winchester family moved into town before Castiel was even born. They settled into this two story fixer upper down the street, just the three of them; John, Mary, and Dean. They were good neighbors, and the people in that section of town had always looked after one another. So when Castiel’s mother died due to complications from her pregnancy with him, Mary Winchester became something of a surrogate mother to baby Castiel.
That’s how he met Dean, though neither of them remembers it. They grew up on this street together, went to the same elementary school, middle school, high school. Dean was there when Castiel’s father remarried, and Castiel stood at Dean’s side when Mary lost her battle with cancer. They teamed up after her funeral, taking care of Sam while John suffered through the loss of his wife.
Castiel came over every morning and made breakfast, then they would walk Sam to school. Late at night, he would help Dean drag his passed out father to bed.
He’s part of their family, an honorary Winchester just like the man Dean calls Uncle Bobby.
It’s just how they have always been.
But things change. For Castiel, falling in love ended up being a multi-step process.
*****
“You should ask her out,” Dean comments while he shoves grocery baskets back in line at the local grocery store. He and Castiel have worked there for a year now, and even though it’s not a glamorous job for either of them, the pay is okay and they get the same nights off.
“I don’t know,” Castiel shrugs as he wipes off the check-out counter.
“What’s the worst thing that can happen?” Dean asks. “You have to get over this fear of being rejected, Cas. So what if she says no? You just move on to the next one in line.”
“I don’t have a next one in line, Dean,” Castiel sighs as he shakes his head. “I don’t have a first one in line. I’m not like you. I’m just not that interested in dating.”
They’ve had this debate before. It’s something that’s been simmering between them for a long time. At seventeen, Dean has a long line of interested potential partners. The girls at their school would do just about anything to get a chance at hooking up with him. He’s attractive, smart, and gentle for all of his outward abrasiveness. So he dates a lot. So far, there hasn’t been anyone he was serious about, but the more he dates the more he seems to want Castiel to do it too, and honestly, he’s just not interested.
“You’re almost seventeen, and a dude, Cas,” Dean argues. “You’re interested in dating. We just haven’t found the right girl for you yet.”
And that’s the real issue: there isn’t a right girl out there for Castiel and he knows it; has known it for a long time. What he doesn’t know is how to tell his very male best friend that he’s certain he’s gay. Castiel is conflicted enough about the topic on his own. Pop culture aside, Castiel was raised in a very religious home. Being gay is not a good thing and he’s only in the last six months allowed himself to think it. He’s never said the words out loud, much less to someone else.
What if he loses Dean?
“I have work to do,” Cas mutters as he walks around his friend to go and clean up aisle nine.
“Fine,” Dean yells after him. “But we are not done talking about this.”
Of course they aren’t; Dean never lets anything go.
*****
A week later, they’re sprawled all over the Winchester’s converted basement. The family room downstairs has always been one of their favorite hang out places; when they were kids the adults would shove them gently down the steps to watch TV or run off some energy before they destroyed the rest of the house. They could be anything they wanted to be down there, do anything they wanted to do so long as they cleaned up after themselves.
Currently, Dean is playing Dragon Age while Castiel sketches. Art is his favorite class this year.
“So I’ve been thinking,” Dean starts as he pauses the game.
“I’ve warned you,” Castiel teases dryly. “You’re going to break something doing things like that.”
“Ha fucking Ha, Ass-hat,” Dean grumbles as he turns off the game, then the TV, and sits down on the couch close to Castiel’s curled up feet. “I’m serious; I want to ask you something.”
“What?” Cas questions as he turns the pencil to get the shading right on his still life of the dress form in the corner of the room, a left over from Mary.
There’s a pause, like Dean is about say something serious. It makes Castiel nervous because that almost never happens. Then Dean swallows and says, “I was thinking about the dating thing…”
“Dean,” Castiel huffs. “I don’t want to go over this again.”
“Just hear me out and I’ll let it go,” Dean assures him with a wave of his hand. “I was thinking about it, and wondering if maybe I was just going about it the wrong way with you.”
“What do you mean?” Castiel asks with a cock of his head.
“I mean,” Dean swallows. “Maybe instead of trying to find you the right girl I should have been trying to find you the right…guy?”
It’s like the world stops.
He opens his mouth, and then slams it shut again. He’s never lied to Dean and he’s not planning on starting today. Castiel throws the sketch pad onto the floor and grabs his backpack before bolting toward the steps leading up into the house in bid for escape. But Dean’s faster and grabs his arm before he’s halfway up the stairs. “Don’t go like this,” Dean begs. “If I’m wrong just hit me in the face and I’ll apologize. We can watch a movie and forget it ever happened. If I’m right then it’s no big deal to me, Cas.”
No big deal. He wishes it was no big deal. “I can’t,” he manages to get out around the lump steadily building in his throat. He’s not going to cry here. He’s not going to break down. He just needs to get out of this house.
Dean releases him after a pain filled, searching stare and Castiel bolts the rest of the way up the stairs. He’s rounding the corner, heading into the kitchen and toward the back door when he literally runs into John Winchester.
“Where you going to so fast, son?” John asks as he reaches out to steady Castiel before he topples over.
“I don’t know,” Castiel manages to gasp. His chest feels so tight.
“Then you don’t need to be in such a big hurry,” John comments. He squeezes Castiel’s shoulder gently. “Maybe you should stop and think a minute before you run away.”
“Sir?” Castiel asks as he blinks up into John’s face. There’s a knowing look in his eyes and suddenly Castiel wonders why Dean’s father is home from work so early.
“Dean and I had a talk about you,” John says quietly. “He’s been worried about your lack of romantic interests. I told him maybe he wasn’t looking at the big picture. Maybe he mentioned that to you just now? Maybe that’s why you’re in such a big hurry?”
His eyes are burning as the tears start to fall, and Castiel makes a feeble attempt to jerk his arm out of John’s grip before curling in on himself in blossoming shame.
“Kiddo,” John sighs as he uses his free hand to rub into Castiel’s always messed up hair. “It doesn’t have to be so hard, not here with us. There’s no shame in being who you are, Cas. We love you. You’re a part of this family.”
He doesn’t really remember collapsing into John’s arms. Castiel is only dimly aware of being transferred into Dean’s grip later and half carried to Dean’s bedroom. He’s tucked in under the sheets and falls asleep listening to the soft tones of Dean humming “Hey Jude.”
When he wakes up it’s like nothing momentous has happened. Dean’s dad is out in the garage working on the Chevy, like always, and Dean and Sam are watching Dr. Sexy.
“We saved you dinner,” Dean says over his shoulder as Castiel creeps into the room. “It’s in the microwave. My dad called your dad and he says it’s cool if you sleep over here tonight. We promised to get you to school tomorrow.”
“Thanks,” Castiel croaks as he goes into the kitchen to get some food. He’s suddenly starting to feel like eating.
“That’s what friends are for,” Dean shrugs.
*****
“So….” Dean says three nights later as he’s driving Castiel home from work. “You never actually answered me.”
“I’m gay,” Castiel whispers. He’s surprised by how good it feels to share it with someone. It’s like he’s finally cleaning the mirror to his soul and seeing himself clearly for the first time.
Dean smiles, “Okay.”
“That’s it?” Castiel questions. “This is huge for me and all you say is okay?”
“You want me to wave a little flag for you or something, Cas?” Dean chuckles. “I’m just glad you’re not an ameba or something. I thought you were going to end up being a priest when we finished school, and then who was I going to share all my porn with?”
“I’m still not going to want to share your porn,” Castiel points out.
“Details,” Dean says dismissively. They both laugh. After a moment of companionable silence Dean asks, “So are you interested in anyone?”
“No,” Castiel snorts. “I hate to disappoint you but I haven’t been pining for you in secret.”
“Damn,” Dean says as though he’s disappointed, then he shoves at Castiel’s shoulder with a growl. “Very funny, Cas.”
“I thought so,” Cas smiles. “Seriously though, I haven’t thought that far. I’ve only ever said it out loud just now, here with you.”
“Well when you find someone let me know,” Dean shrugs. “We can double date or something.”
Castiel’s a little shell shocked. “You really don’t care?”
Dean doesn’t answer until he pulls the car to a stop in front of Castiel’s house. Then he turns and faces him directly before saying “Cas, you’ve been my friend my whole life. If I’m lucky I’ll still be able to say that when I’m fifty. I don’t care what makes your bunny hop as long as you’re safe and happy. Now get out of my car, this is too much of a chick flick moment for me.”
Dean rolls his eyes as Castiel hugs him, but he doesn’t hesitate to hug his friend back. It’s a rare moment of physical contact for them. Castiel has never been comfortable being close to anyone.
He snorts as Dean pinches his ass while he gets out of the car. Castiel kicks back his foot and makes contact with his friend’s shin. He chuckles on his way to his house and on opening the front door finds his sister elbow deep in a mess of yarn.
“What are you doing?” Castiel asks.
“Trying to make a sweater for Balthazar,” Anna sighs. “I’m not very good at this.”
“Can’t you just buy him a sweater?” Castiel asks as he sits down and takes in the yarn covered sofa, and the lopsided links of material his sister is struggling to pearl together.
“That’s not the point,” Anna huffs. “It shows how much you love someone when you make them something. I’m making a statement here.”
“You’re making a mess,” Gabriel chuckles as he drops into the chair opposite Castiel. “Hey, little bro.”
“Hello, Gabriel,” Castiel nods. “How is college?”
“Better than here,” Gabriel snorts. “I hate school breaks.”
Gabriel doesn’t come home often. He finds the tone of their childhood home stifling. Castiel is beginning to agree with him more and more. The rigid tone of their home and upbringing makes him uncomfortable. It’s part of the reason he spends so much of his time at the Winchester’s house.
“So do we,” Anna chirps in reply and Gabriel throws a pillow at her head. She sticks her tongue out at him in return and Castiel excuses himself to flee to the safety of his bedroom before someone gets hurt.
*****
A month later Castiel is flopped on his back under the covers in his twin bed. It’s almost two in the morning and he has school tomorrow but he can’t sleep. His thoughts are racing, twisting around inside his brain.
Ever since he finally owned his sexuality he’s been tempted to explore it. He’s started paying attention to the men around town and the boys at school, trying to see if there’s a set of characteristics that he finds attractive.
So far he’s come up with nothing, much to Dean’s disappointment. Castiel is starting to think that maybe he isn’t the kind of person who get turned on by the physical attributes of a person. Sure, there are some very attractive guys at their school but just looking at them doesn’t turn him on.
He needs more of a connection than that; maybe wants more of a connection than that.
He wants to belong with someone.
It’s a concept he’d never considered when he was struggling with his sexuality. Now that he’s past that he’s jealous of Dean and all of his girlfriends. Castiel wants love too.
And touch, more and more often he finds himself aching to be connected with another person physically….sexually.
It’s more out of frustration than anything else when he slides his hand under the covers and into his boxers. He’s edgy, needs to work off some steam so he can sleep for at least a few hours before school. Castiel closes his eyes and tries to imagine himself anywhere but in his bedroom. He's nervous about being caught even just touching himself, about his father somehow knowing that he’s thinking about a male body pressed up against him while he does it.
Maybe it’s exhaustion, or just that compelling sense of safety that he’s always felt there, but his mind conjures up Dean’s bedroom. He wants to feel guilty about it immediately, but his dick jumps in his hand and pre-come starts leaking from the tip after just a few strokes along his shaft.
And it’s easy to imagine Dean’s scent on the sheets while Castiel bites at his lips and tries not to make any noise. It’s easy to replace his long fingered hand with Dean’s rougher, thicker grip in his mind. Castiel’s hips jerk and he starts moving his hand faster while he pants. He’s close but it’s not enough to push him over the edge.
With his free hand he reaches up to brush against his nipples under his t-shirt and in his fantasy he replaces them with Dean’s tongue, wet and dragging. He spreads his legs and gasps, thinking about what Dean’s weight might feel like on top of him, holding him against the bed, and comes all over his hand with a whimpered exhalation of “Dean….”
Castiel doesn’t get any sleep that night and he spends the whole of the next day unable to look his best friend in the eye.
*****
“I’m a man on a mission,” Dean announces as he tosses his book bag down on the table in front of Castiel at lunch.
“I’m a man who is very afraid,” Castiel comments dryly. He crosses his arms and waits for the follow up.
Dean sticks his tongue out at his friend and Castiel tries very hard not to imagine what it might feel like rubbing against his.
“I’m serious,” Dean says as he sits. “We have got to find you a guy. Prom is less than three months away and I am not leaving you at home.”
“I don’t care about prom,” Castiel huffs as he shoves his cafeteria lunch around on his plate in disgust, before Dean yanks his tray away and hands him half of his sandwich.
“I do,” Dean shoots back firmly. “I care. This is it, Cas. As much as you and I could give less than a shit about high school, prom is like a rite of passage and you are going.”
“I’m going alone then,” Castiel retorts.
Dean swipes his hand over his face like he’s trying not to choke someone. “Look, give me a break. I’m trying to help out here. Prom is like the lose-your-virginity free-for-all. It’s an understood thing that you get a hotel and sneak in some booze, hang out with your friend and then….do the deed.”
Dean makes this rotating movement with his wrist that looks sort of like giving someone a hand job. It makes Castiel’s stomach drop even as he rolls his eyes and tries to act as though he’s unaffected. “Dean,” he sighs. “Do you even have any virginity left to lose?”
He’s a little shocked when Dean looks away and turns slightly pink in his cheeks. “This isn’t about me,” Dean mutters. “This is about you and your unplundered ass.”
“Oh my God,” Castiel hisses and he leans across the table and glares at his best friend. “What is wrong with you? Shut your mouth.”
Dean at least has the decency to look around in case anyone sitting close to them is paying attention before he continues, “We’re going to prom…with dates. And after it’s over you can say you're staying with me and I’ll cover for you, and then you can go do whatever, you know…”
Again with the hand gestures.
“I’ll think about it,” Castiel agrees, more to get Dean to shut up than anything else.
*****
It’s not until Castiel comes home from work two nights later that a plan for how to deal with Dean’s obsession with his love life surfaces.
Balthazar is curled up on the couch with Anna, one arm curled comfortably around her shoulders in a way that makes Castiel cringe because he knows he will never be allowed to do that with his love interest. In his home, Castiel’s feelings make him a sinner. It’s a hard concept to live with every day.
He shakes off a feeling of melancholy as Balthazar gets up for another glass of tea and Castiel catches sight of the sweater he’s wearing.
It’s the horrible thing that Anna mangled while she was making it for him. The neck is too big and the sleeves are too short. The hem around the bottom is two inches higher on one side than the other, and Castiel seriously suspects that he could slide into the sweater while Balthazar was still wearing it and they would fit comfortably there.
That and it’s the most horrible shade of green that Castiel has ever seen.
He snorts with mirth before thinking to cover his mouth with his hand. Too late though; Balthazar shoots him a threatening glare and makes a line across his neck with his finger as though he's slitting his own throat. Castiel waves his hand dismissively. He likes Balthazar: he’s good to Castiel’s sister, and has to have a good sense of humor if he’s willing to wear that horrible thing.
So Castiel slips away to his room to think, and for some reason he can’t get that stupid sweater out of his head.
And then it hits him. He’s going to…fib.
It’s not technically a lie when Castiel tells Dean that he’s been holding out on his friend and that there is a boy who has caught Castiel’s interest.
Of course, he leaves out the part where the boy is actually Dean.
His friend is ecstatic and demands details. Castiel gives them hesitantly. By the end of the conversation he’s made Dean aware that his crush is about Dean’s height and size and that he has sandy colored hair and hazel eyes. Thankfully that could describe half the male student body at their school so it keeps Dean guessing.
“So you need to ask him out,” Dean orders. Castiel flinches in reaction.
“I’m not ready,” Castiel admits, and that is the truth in spades. He’s not ready to be rejected and lose his best friend in the whole world. “Look, I know prom is important to you, I promise I’ll ask him before prom. But I want to do this my way, Dean. So you need to back off.”
Dean’s a little confused when Castiel announces his way involves knitting a sweater. But Castiel’s always been a little weird; he figures he can pull it off.
Dean looks at him like he’s crazy, but he stops arguing after about a half hour and keeps the eye rolling to a minimum as he drives Castiel to the Hobby Lobby to buy yarn.
Castiel doesn’t feel a moment of guilt until they hit the yarn aisle and Dean starts picking out colors.
“You need something kind of neutral,” Dean suggests as he walks down the center to the aisle with his hands stuffed into his pockets like he’s afraid of touching anything in the store. “I mean, if someone was going to make a sweater for me I would want it to be as plain as possible.”
“You mean as un-gay as possible,” Castiel snorts.
“I didn’t say that,” Dean snaps. “I’m just saying if you don’t know what the guy likes then you should go with neutral.”
“What would you suggest?” Castiel asks as he waves at the yarn piled up in the bins. “You pick something.”
And Dean does: a soft, tan yarn that has a good weight to it. Cas buys more of it than he really needs, he’s sure. That night as he’s buried in his sister instruction book he wonders if Dean imagined what it would feel like to have something made from that yarn up against his skin.
*****
“Jesus, Cas,” Dean complains. “It’s been a month, aren’t you done with that thing yet?”
“No,” Castiel growls from the corner of the Winchester’s basement family room. He has situated the partially knitted sweater on the old dress form he had been sketching before. It’s not a perfect fit but at least it gives him some idea of how it might hang.
Castiel wonders at his issues with perfectionism sometimes. After all, he’s making a sweater for an imaginary love interest. no one is ever going to wear this thing. He always assumed he would knit it, then tell Dean the other boy wasn’t available, and then he would be off the hook. If he had to go to prom then at least he wouldn’t have to try to be interested in anyone but Dean.
He figures the sweater will end up being given to Goodwill or something.
“I’m sorry,” he continues. “I’m not a machine, Dean. I’ve never done this before and it’s taking a long time.”
There’s a pause before Dean speaks again, suddenly much closer than Castiel remembers him being a few moments before. “It looks good,” Dean comments as he traces his fingers along the completed portion of the sweater. “It feels nice.”
And oh, what an inappropriate time to get an erection.
“Thank you,” Castiel stammers. “It’s starting to look sort of like a piece of clothing at least.”
“You’re doing a good job,” Dean smiles as he nudges Castiel’s shoulder. “You’ll make some guy a really nice housewife one day.”
“Oh fuck you,” Castiel snorts before tackling Dean to the floor and wrestling with him across the family room, while Sam groans from his place on the couch and goes up the steps to read his comic books in the relative safety of his room.
They roll around struggling to pin each other down; Castiel’s loath to admit that Dean’s probably stronger than him by a long shot by now, but Castiel is fast, and that gives him a little bit of an edge. They dodge the coffee table with their heads by less than an inch, and end up sprawled in a panting mess on their backs on the floor.
“You nervous?” Dean asks after a while of companionable silence.
“About what?” Castiel turns his head to peer at Dean while his friend rolls onto his stomach beside him.
“This mystery guy,” Dean shrugs. “Are you nervous about him?”
“Not really,” Castiel sighs as he rubs at his eyes, uncomfortable with the topic being on his misrepresentation. “Not any more than I was before about everything.”
“Like what?” Dean asks, shifting to sit up and cross his legs, dropping his forearms onto his knees.
“Like everything,” Castiel admits. “I’ve never held hands with anyone, much less kissed somebody. I worry that I’m going to find the love of my life and then they won’t want me because I’m doing everything wrong. There’s not exactly a gay instruction book, Dean, and even if there is I’m sure it’s not in my dad’s library.” He sits up and mirrors Dean’s position. “I’m a little out of my league when it comes to intimacy. You know that, I’ve always been that way.”
“It doesn’t have to be a big deal,” Dean murmurs as he slips his hand out until his fingertips touch against Castiel’s, before moving closer and sliding their palms together and linking their fingers. “See?” Dean whispers, “Not complicated.”
“But we’re not,” Castiel swallows before continuing, “together.”
“But I am a guy,” Dean smiles. “You can use me for practice. We’ve been friends forever, Cas. What’s a little hand holding and some hugs between family?”
Castiel doesn’t answer. Dean says softly, “No big deal.” He squeezes Castiel hand while he says it. Castiel wishes that was true.
*****
“We need to talk,” Gabriel announces when Castiel finds him sitting on the end of his bed when he gets home from work.
“Why are you in my room?” Castiel asks as he drops his book bag to the floor next to his dresser and much more carefully lowers the bag carrying the over half-way done sweater to the floor next to his feet.
“I want to have a conversation with you in private and your room’s at the back of the house,” Gabriel shrugs.
“I didn’t know you were coming home this weekend,” Cas comments as he makes sure the door is shut behind him before edging closer to the bed. Gabriel is the wild card in their family. Him wanting to talk to you can either mean he wants to give you candy for no reason…or that he needs an alibi.
“Nobody did,” Gabriel shrugs. “Look, I think maybe I should have had this talk with you a long time ago but I didn’t want to say anything until I was sure. So now I guess it’s a case of better late than never.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Castiel replies as he sits down on the bed with his older sibling.
“You’re gay, right?” Gabriel blurts. It’s not a question, more like he’s seeking confirmation of something he’s had figured out a long time ago.
Castiel freezes, his heart hammering in his chest, fear crawling up his spine. “Gabriel,” he manages to whisper as he clenches his fists in his sheets.
“Maybe I should rephrase this,” Gabriel sighs before closing his eyes and softly saying, “I’m gay. I was wondering if you are too.”
Castiel doesn’t think he’s ever felt fear turn into to joy so fast in his entire life. “You?” he stammers before scooting closer to his older brother and adding “You too?”
“Yeah, little bro,” Gabriel grins as he reaches out to rumple Castiel’s hair. “Me too. The people at school know. I’m not hiding anything but I haven’t told Dad yet. I wanted to wait until you and Anna were in college because I’m pretty sure Dad’s not going to take it well and I didn’t want to lose contact with you because of that.”
“I’ve only ever told Dean,” Castiel admits. “But his father knows. He’s good to me.”
“Yeah,” Gabriel nods. “The Winchester’s is where you need to go if things ever turn to shit here, okay? They’ll take care of you.”
“I know,” Castiel nods before touching his brother’s shoulder and asking, “What about you? Do you have a place to go?”
Gabriel blushes a little but his smile is blinding. “I do. He’s…a really good guy. You should take a trip up to school to see me, Cassy. You’d like him too.”
“You have someone,” Castiel smiles. His brother’s in love.
“I had to look a little farther than down the street, unlike some people,” Gabriel says as he shoves Castiel gently. “But I have someone.”
“Dean and I aren’t a couple,” Castiel explains.
“Then who is the sweater for?” Gabriel asks, pointing at the bag. “Anna sent me an email about it, all freaked out because she thought you had picked a really masculine color for a girlfriend.”
Castiel rolls his eyes and Gabriel laughs.
“It’s a long story,” Castiel sighs. “But trust me; Dean’s not interested in me that way.”
“You sure about that?” Gabriel comments before pulling Castiel into a headlock. “Could have fooled me.”
Part 2
Author: Gedry
Pairings: Dean/Castiel
Rating: Nc-17
Word Count: 11,121
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me. I am making no profit from this fanfiction.
Beta: wolfrider89
Spoilers: none
Warnings: none
Summary: Written for nicole_sill who won me in the help-japan auction. She asked for a Dean/Cas high school AU involving them being friends for a long time and Castiel falling in love with Dean and knitting him a sweater.
Love in Every Stitch
When he heard about falling in love, Castiel Novak had always thought it was this moment in time when you were overcome with emotion and affection for another person. He imagined it would be like opening a door and seeing them for the first time.
Or maybe it would be more like getting hit on the back of the head with a two-by-four.
In either case he thought when he fell in love he would know it, that he would always remember the exact moment when he met the love of his life.
He’s young, and kind of a dreamer. Life isn’t really like that.
The Winchester family moved into town before Castiel was even born. They settled into this two story fixer upper down the street, just the three of them; John, Mary, and Dean. They were good neighbors, and the people in that section of town had always looked after one another. So when Castiel’s mother died due to complications from her pregnancy with him, Mary Winchester became something of a surrogate mother to baby Castiel.
That’s how he met Dean, though neither of them remembers it. They grew up on this street together, went to the same elementary school, middle school, high school. Dean was there when Castiel’s father remarried, and Castiel stood at Dean’s side when Mary lost her battle with cancer. They teamed up after her funeral, taking care of Sam while John suffered through the loss of his wife.
Castiel came over every morning and made breakfast, then they would walk Sam to school. Late at night, he would help Dean drag his passed out father to bed.
He’s part of their family, an honorary Winchester just like the man Dean calls Uncle Bobby.
It’s just how they have always been.
But things change. For Castiel, falling in love ended up being a multi-step process.
*****
“You should ask her out,” Dean comments while he shoves grocery baskets back in line at the local grocery store. He and Castiel have worked there for a year now, and even though it’s not a glamorous job for either of them, the pay is okay and they get the same nights off.
“I don’t know,” Castiel shrugs as he wipes off the check-out counter.
“What’s the worst thing that can happen?” Dean asks. “You have to get over this fear of being rejected, Cas. So what if she says no? You just move on to the next one in line.”
“I don’t have a next one in line, Dean,” Castiel sighs as he shakes his head. “I don’t have a first one in line. I’m not like you. I’m just not that interested in dating.”
They’ve had this debate before. It’s something that’s been simmering between them for a long time. At seventeen, Dean has a long line of interested potential partners. The girls at their school would do just about anything to get a chance at hooking up with him. He’s attractive, smart, and gentle for all of his outward abrasiveness. So he dates a lot. So far, there hasn’t been anyone he was serious about, but the more he dates the more he seems to want Castiel to do it too, and honestly, he’s just not interested.
“You’re almost seventeen, and a dude, Cas,” Dean argues. “You’re interested in dating. We just haven’t found the right girl for you yet.”
And that’s the real issue: there isn’t a right girl out there for Castiel and he knows it; has known it for a long time. What he doesn’t know is how to tell his very male best friend that he’s certain he’s gay. Castiel is conflicted enough about the topic on his own. Pop culture aside, Castiel was raised in a very religious home. Being gay is not a good thing and he’s only in the last six months allowed himself to think it. He’s never said the words out loud, much less to someone else.
What if he loses Dean?
“I have work to do,” Cas mutters as he walks around his friend to go and clean up aisle nine.
“Fine,” Dean yells after him. “But we are not done talking about this.”
Of course they aren’t; Dean never lets anything go.
*****
A week later, they’re sprawled all over the Winchester’s converted basement. The family room downstairs has always been one of their favorite hang out places; when they were kids the adults would shove them gently down the steps to watch TV or run off some energy before they destroyed the rest of the house. They could be anything they wanted to be down there, do anything they wanted to do so long as they cleaned up after themselves.
Currently, Dean is playing Dragon Age while Castiel sketches. Art is his favorite class this year.
“So I’ve been thinking,” Dean starts as he pauses the game.
“I’ve warned you,” Castiel teases dryly. “You’re going to break something doing things like that.”
“Ha fucking Ha, Ass-hat,” Dean grumbles as he turns off the game, then the TV, and sits down on the couch close to Castiel’s curled up feet. “I’m serious; I want to ask you something.”
“What?” Cas questions as he turns the pencil to get the shading right on his still life of the dress form in the corner of the room, a left over from Mary.
There’s a pause, like Dean is about say something serious. It makes Castiel nervous because that almost never happens. Then Dean swallows and says, “I was thinking about the dating thing…”
“Dean,” Castiel huffs. “I don’t want to go over this again.”
“Just hear me out and I’ll let it go,” Dean assures him with a wave of his hand. “I was thinking about it, and wondering if maybe I was just going about it the wrong way with you.”
“What do you mean?” Castiel asks with a cock of his head.
“I mean,” Dean swallows. “Maybe instead of trying to find you the right girl I should have been trying to find you the right…guy?”
It’s like the world stops.
He opens his mouth, and then slams it shut again. He’s never lied to Dean and he’s not planning on starting today. Castiel throws the sketch pad onto the floor and grabs his backpack before bolting toward the steps leading up into the house in bid for escape. But Dean’s faster and grabs his arm before he’s halfway up the stairs. “Don’t go like this,” Dean begs. “If I’m wrong just hit me in the face and I’ll apologize. We can watch a movie and forget it ever happened. If I’m right then it’s no big deal to me, Cas.”
No big deal. He wishes it was no big deal. “I can’t,” he manages to get out around the lump steadily building in his throat. He’s not going to cry here. He’s not going to break down. He just needs to get out of this house.
Dean releases him after a pain filled, searching stare and Castiel bolts the rest of the way up the stairs. He’s rounding the corner, heading into the kitchen and toward the back door when he literally runs into John Winchester.
“Where you going to so fast, son?” John asks as he reaches out to steady Castiel before he topples over.
“I don’t know,” Castiel manages to gasp. His chest feels so tight.
“Then you don’t need to be in such a big hurry,” John comments. He squeezes Castiel’s shoulder gently. “Maybe you should stop and think a minute before you run away.”
“Sir?” Castiel asks as he blinks up into John’s face. There’s a knowing look in his eyes and suddenly Castiel wonders why Dean’s father is home from work so early.
“Dean and I had a talk about you,” John says quietly. “He’s been worried about your lack of romantic interests. I told him maybe he wasn’t looking at the big picture. Maybe he mentioned that to you just now? Maybe that’s why you’re in such a big hurry?”
His eyes are burning as the tears start to fall, and Castiel makes a feeble attempt to jerk his arm out of John’s grip before curling in on himself in blossoming shame.
“Kiddo,” John sighs as he uses his free hand to rub into Castiel’s always messed up hair. “It doesn’t have to be so hard, not here with us. There’s no shame in being who you are, Cas. We love you. You’re a part of this family.”
He doesn’t really remember collapsing into John’s arms. Castiel is only dimly aware of being transferred into Dean’s grip later and half carried to Dean’s bedroom. He’s tucked in under the sheets and falls asleep listening to the soft tones of Dean humming “Hey Jude.”
When he wakes up it’s like nothing momentous has happened. Dean’s dad is out in the garage working on the Chevy, like always, and Dean and Sam are watching Dr. Sexy.
“We saved you dinner,” Dean says over his shoulder as Castiel creeps into the room. “It’s in the microwave. My dad called your dad and he says it’s cool if you sleep over here tonight. We promised to get you to school tomorrow.”
“Thanks,” Castiel croaks as he goes into the kitchen to get some food. He’s suddenly starting to feel like eating.
“That’s what friends are for,” Dean shrugs.
*****
“So….” Dean says three nights later as he’s driving Castiel home from work. “You never actually answered me.”
“I’m gay,” Castiel whispers. He’s surprised by how good it feels to share it with someone. It’s like he’s finally cleaning the mirror to his soul and seeing himself clearly for the first time.
Dean smiles, “Okay.”
“That’s it?” Castiel questions. “This is huge for me and all you say is okay?”
“You want me to wave a little flag for you or something, Cas?” Dean chuckles. “I’m just glad you’re not an ameba or something. I thought you were going to end up being a priest when we finished school, and then who was I going to share all my porn with?”
“I’m still not going to want to share your porn,” Castiel points out.
“Details,” Dean says dismissively. They both laugh. After a moment of companionable silence Dean asks, “So are you interested in anyone?”
“No,” Castiel snorts. “I hate to disappoint you but I haven’t been pining for you in secret.”
“Damn,” Dean says as though he’s disappointed, then he shoves at Castiel’s shoulder with a growl. “Very funny, Cas.”
“I thought so,” Cas smiles. “Seriously though, I haven’t thought that far. I’ve only ever said it out loud just now, here with you.”
“Well when you find someone let me know,” Dean shrugs. “We can double date or something.”
Castiel’s a little shell shocked. “You really don’t care?”
Dean doesn’t answer until he pulls the car to a stop in front of Castiel’s house. Then he turns and faces him directly before saying “Cas, you’ve been my friend my whole life. If I’m lucky I’ll still be able to say that when I’m fifty. I don’t care what makes your bunny hop as long as you’re safe and happy. Now get out of my car, this is too much of a chick flick moment for me.”
Dean rolls his eyes as Castiel hugs him, but he doesn’t hesitate to hug his friend back. It’s a rare moment of physical contact for them. Castiel has never been comfortable being close to anyone.
He snorts as Dean pinches his ass while he gets out of the car. Castiel kicks back his foot and makes contact with his friend’s shin. He chuckles on his way to his house and on opening the front door finds his sister elbow deep in a mess of yarn.
“What are you doing?” Castiel asks.
“Trying to make a sweater for Balthazar,” Anna sighs. “I’m not very good at this.”
“Can’t you just buy him a sweater?” Castiel asks as he sits down and takes in the yarn covered sofa, and the lopsided links of material his sister is struggling to pearl together.
“That’s not the point,” Anna huffs. “It shows how much you love someone when you make them something. I’m making a statement here.”
“You’re making a mess,” Gabriel chuckles as he drops into the chair opposite Castiel. “Hey, little bro.”
“Hello, Gabriel,” Castiel nods. “How is college?”
“Better than here,” Gabriel snorts. “I hate school breaks.”
Gabriel doesn’t come home often. He finds the tone of their childhood home stifling. Castiel is beginning to agree with him more and more. The rigid tone of their home and upbringing makes him uncomfortable. It’s part of the reason he spends so much of his time at the Winchester’s house.
“So do we,” Anna chirps in reply and Gabriel throws a pillow at her head. She sticks her tongue out at him in return and Castiel excuses himself to flee to the safety of his bedroom before someone gets hurt.
*****
A month later Castiel is flopped on his back under the covers in his twin bed. It’s almost two in the morning and he has school tomorrow but he can’t sleep. His thoughts are racing, twisting around inside his brain.
Ever since he finally owned his sexuality he’s been tempted to explore it. He’s started paying attention to the men around town and the boys at school, trying to see if there’s a set of characteristics that he finds attractive.
So far he’s come up with nothing, much to Dean’s disappointment. Castiel is starting to think that maybe he isn’t the kind of person who get turned on by the physical attributes of a person. Sure, there are some very attractive guys at their school but just looking at them doesn’t turn him on.
He needs more of a connection than that; maybe wants more of a connection than that.
He wants to belong with someone.
It’s a concept he’d never considered when he was struggling with his sexuality. Now that he’s past that he’s jealous of Dean and all of his girlfriends. Castiel wants love too.
And touch, more and more often he finds himself aching to be connected with another person physically….sexually.
It’s more out of frustration than anything else when he slides his hand under the covers and into his boxers. He’s edgy, needs to work off some steam so he can sleep for at least a few hours before school. Castiel closes his eyes and tries to imagine himself anywhere but in his bedroom. He's nervous about being caught even just touching himself, about his father somehow knowing that he’s thinking about a male body pressed up against him while he does it.
Maybe it’s exhaustion, or just that compelling sense of safety that he’s always felt there, but his mind conjures up Dean’s bedroom. He wants to feel guilty about it immediately, but his dick jumps in his hand and pre-come starts leaking from the tip after just a few strokes along his shaft.
And it’s easy to imagine Dean’s scent on the sheets while Castiel bites at his lips and tries not to make any noise. It’s easy to replace his long fingered hand with Dean’s rougher, thicker grip in his mind. Castiel’s hips jerk and he starts moving his hand faster while he pants. He’s close but it’s not enough to push him over the edge.
With his free hand he reaches up to brush against his nipples under his t-shirt and in his fantasy he replaces them with Dean’s tongue, wet and dragging. He spreads his legs and gasps, thinking about what Dean’s weight might feel like on top of him, holding him against the bed, and comes all over his hand with a whimpered exhalation of “Dean….”
Castiel doesn’t get any sleep that night and he spends the whole of the next day unable to look his best friend in the eye.
*****
“I’m a man on a mission,” Dean announces as he tosses his book bag down on the table in front of Castiel at lunch.
“I’m a man who is very afraid,” Castiel comments dryly. He crosses his arms and waits for the follow up.
Dean sticks his tongue out at his friend and Castiel tries very hard not to imagine what it might feel like rubbing against his.
“I’m serious,” Dean says as he sits. “We have got to find you a guy. Prom is less than three months away and I am not leaving you at home.”
“I don’t care about prom,” Castiel huffs as he shoves his cafeteria lunch around on his plate in disgust, before Dean yanks his tray away and hands him half of his sandwich.
“I do,” Dean shoots back firmly. “I care. This is it, Cas. As much as you and I could give less than a shit about high school, prom is like a rite of passage and you are going.”
“I’m going alone then,” Castiel retorts.
Dean swipes his hand over his face like he’s trying not to choke someone. “Look, give me a break. I’m trying to help out here. Prom is like the lose-your-virginity free-for-all. It’s an understood thing that you get a hotel and sneak in some booze, hang out with your friend and then….do the deed.”
Dean makes this rotating movement with his wrist that looks sort of like giving someone a hand job. It makes Castiel’s stomach drop even as he rolls his eyes and tries to act as though he’s unaffected. “Dean,” he sighs. “Do you even have any virginity left to lose?”
He’s a little shocked when Dean looks away and turns slightly pink in his cheeks. “This isn’t about me,” Dean mutters. “This is about you and your unplundered ass.”
“Oh my God,” Castiel hisses and he leans across the table and glares at his best friend. “What is wrong with you? Shut your mouth.”
Dean at least has the decency to look around in case anyone sitting close to them is paying attention before he continues, “We’re going to prom…with dates. And after it’s over you can say you're staying with me and I’ll cover for you, and then you can go do whatever, you know…”
Again with the hand gestures.
“I’ll think about it,” Castiel agrees, more to get Dean to shut up than anything else.
*****
It’s not until Castiel comes home from work two nights later that a plan for how to deal with Dean’s obsession with his love life surfaces.
Balthazar is curled up on the couch with Anna, one arm curled comfortably around her shoulders in a way that makes Castiel cringe because he knows he will never be allowed to do that with his love interest. In his home, Castiel’s feelings make him a sinner. It’s a hard concept to live with every day.
He shakes off a feeling of melancholy as Balthazar gets up for another glass of tea and Castiel catches sight of the sweater he’s wearing.
It’s the horrible thing that Anna mangled while she was making it for him. The neck is too big and the sleeves are too short. The hem around the bottom is two inches higher on one side than the other, and Castiel seriously suspects that he could slide into the sweater while Balthazar was still wearing it and they would fit comfortably there.
That and it’s the most horrible shade of green that Castiel has ever seen.
He snorts with mirth before thinking to cover his mouth with his hand. Too late though; Balthazar shoots him a threatening glare and makes a line across his neck with his finger as though he's slitting his own throat. Castiel waves his hand dismissively. He likes Balthazar: he’s good to Castiel’s sister, and has to have a good sense of humor if he’s willing to wear that horrible thing.
So Castiel slips away to his room to think, and for some reason he can’t get that stupid sweater out of his head.
And then it hits him. He’s going to…fib.
It’s not technically a lie when Castiel tells Dean that he’s been holding out on his friend and that there is a boy who has caught Castiel’s interest.
Of course, he leaves out the part where the boy is actually Dean.
His friend is ecstatic and demands details. Castiel gives them hesitantly. By the end of the conversation he’s made Dean aware that his crush is about Dean’s height and size and that he has sandy colored hair and hazel eyes. Thankfully that could describe half the male student body at their school so it keeps Dean guessing.
“So you need to ask him out,” Dean orders. Castiel flinches in reaction.
“I’m not ready,” Castiel admits, and that is the truth in spades. He’s not ready to be rejected and lose his best friend in the whole world. “Look, I know prom is important to you, I promise I’ll ask him before prom. But I want to do this my way, Dean. So you need to back off.”
Dean’s a little confused when Castiel announces his way involves knitting a sweater. But Castiel’s always been a little weird; he figures he can pull it off.
Dean looks at him like he’s crazy, but he stops arguing after about a half hour and keeps the eye rolling to a minimum as he drives Castiel to the Hobby Lobby to buy yarn.
Castiel doesn’t feel a moment of guilt until they hit the yarn aisle and Dean starts picking out colors.
“You need something kind of neutral,” Dean suggests as he walks down the center to the aisle with his hands stuffed into his pockets like he’s afraid of touching anything in the store. “I mean, if someone was going to make a sweater for me I would want it to be as plain as possible.”
“You mean as un-gay as possible,” Castiel snorts.
“I didn’t say that,” Dean snaps. “I’m just saying if you don’t know what the guy likes then you should go with neutral.”
“What would you suggest?” Castiel asks as he waves at the yarn piled up in the bins. “You pick something.”
And Dean does: a soft, tan yarn that has a good weight to it. Cas buys more of it than he really needs, he’s sure. That night as he’s buried in his sister instruction book he wonders if Dean imagined what it would feel like to have something made from that yarn up against his skin.
*****
“Jesus, Cas,” Dean complains. “It’s been a month, aren’t you done with that thing yet?”
“No,” Castiel growls from the corner of the Winchester’s basement family room. He has situated the partially knitted sweater on the old dress form he had been sketching before. It’s not a perfect fit but at least it gives him some idea of how it might hang.
Castiel wonders at his issues with perfectionism sometimes. After all, he’s making a sweater for an imaginary love interest. no one is ever going to wear this thing. He always assumed he would knit it, then tell Dean the other boy wasn’t available, and then he would be off the hook. If he had to go to prom then at least he wouldn’t have to try to be interested in anyone but Dean.
He figures the sweater will end up being given to Goodwill or something.
“I’m sorry,” he continues. “I’m not a machine, Dean. I’ve never done this before and it’s taking a long time.”
There’s a pause before Dean speaks again, suddenly much closer than Castiel remembers him being a few moments before. “It looks good,” Dean comments as he traces his fingers along the completed portion of the sweater. “It feels nice.”
And oh, what an inappropriate time to get an erection.
“Thank you,” Castiel stammers. “It’s starting to look sort of like a piece of clothing at least.”
“You’re doing a good job,” Dean smiles as he nudges Castiel’s shoulder. “You’ll make some guy a really nice housewife one day.”
“Oh fuck you,” Castiel snorts before tackling Dean to the floor and wrestling with him across the family room, while Sam groans from his place on the couch and goes up the steps to read his comic books in the relative safety of his room.
They roll around struggling to pin each other down; Castiel’s loath to admit that Dean’s probably stronger than him by a long shot by now, but Castiel is fast, and that gives him a little bit of an edge. They dodge the coffee table with their heads by less than an inch, and end up sprawled in a panting mess on their backs on the floor.
“You nervous?” Dean asks after a while of companionable silence.
“About what?” Castiel turns his head to peer at Dean while his friend rolls onto his stomach beside him.
“This mystery guy,” Dean shrugs. “Are you nervous about him?”
“Not really,” Castiel sighs as he rubs at his eyes, uncomfortable with the topic being on his misrepresentation. “Not any more than I was before about everything.”
“Like what?” Dean asks, shifting to sit up and cross his legs, dropping his forearms onto his knees.
“Like everything,” Castiel admits. “I’ve never held hands with anyone, much less kissed somebody. I worry that I’m going to find the love of my life and then they won’t want me because I’m doing everything wrong. There’s not exactly a gay instruction book, Dean, and even if there is I’m sure it’s not in my dad’s library.” He sits up and mirrors Dean’s position. “I’m a little out of my league when it comes to intimacy. You know that, I’ve always been that way.”
“It doesn’t have to be a big deal,” Dean murmurs as he slips his hand out until his fingertips touch against Castiel’s, before moving closer and sliding their palms together and linking their fingers. “See?” Dean whispers, “Not complicated.”
“But we’re not,” Castiel swallows before continuing, “together.”
“But I am a guy,” Dean smiles. “You can use me for practice. We’ve been friends forever, Cas. What’s a little hand holding and some hugs between family?”
Castiel doesn’t answer. Dean says softly, “No big deal.” He squeezes Castiel hand while he says it. Castiel wishes that was true.
*****
“We need to talk,” Gabriel announces when Castiel finds him sitting on the end of his bed when he gets home from work.
“Why are you in my room?” Castiel asks as he drops his book bag to the floor next to his dresser and much more carefully lowers the bag carrying the over half-way done sweater to the floor next to his feet.
“I want to have a conversation with you in private and your room’s at the back of the house,” Gabriel shrugs.
“I didn’t know you were coming home this weekend,” Cas comments as he makes sure the door is shut behind him before edging closer to the bed. Gabriel is the wild card in their family. Him wanting to talk to you can either mean he wants to give you candy for no reason…or that he needs an alibi.
“Nobody did,” Gabriel shrugs. “Look, I think maybe I should have had this talk with you a long time ago but I didn’t want to say anything until I was sure. So now I guess it’s a case of better late than never.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Castiel replies as he sits down on the bed with his older sibling.
“You’re gay, right?” Gabriel blurts. It’s not a question, more like he’s seeking confirmation of something he’s had figured out a long time ago.
Castiel freezes, his heart hammering in his chest, fear crawling up his spine. “Gabriel,” he manages to whisper as he clenches his fists in his sheets.
“Maybe I should rephrase this,” Gabriel sighs before closing his eyes and softly saying, “I’m gay. I was wondering if you are too.”
Castiel doesn’t think he’s ever felt fear turn into to joy so fast in his entire life. “You?” he stammers before scooting closer to his older brother and adding “You too?”
“Yeah, little bro,” Gabriel grins as he reaches out to rumple Castiel’s hair. “Me too. The people at school know. I’m not hiding anything but I haven’t told Dad yet. I wanted to wait until you and Anna were in college because I’m pretty sure Dad’s not going to take it well and I didn’t want to lose contact with you because of that.”
“I’ve only ever told Dean,” Castiel admits. “But his father knows. He’s good to me.”
“Yeah,” Gabriel nods. “The Winchester’s is where you need to go if things ever turn to shit here, okay? They’ll take care of you.”
“I know,” Castiel nods before touching his brother’s shoulder and asking, “What about you? Do you have a place to go?”
Gabriel blushes a little but his smile is blinding. “I do. He’s…a really good guy. You should take a trip up to school to see me, Cassy. You’d like him too.”
“You have someone,” Castiel smiles. His brother’s in love.
“I had to look a little farther than down the street, unlike some people,” Gabriel says as he shoves Castiel gently. “But I have someone.”
“Dean and I aren’t a couple,” Castiel explains.
“Then who is the sweater for?” Gabriel asks, pointing at the bag. “Anna sent me an email about it, all freaked out because she thought you had picked a really masculine color for a girlfriend.”
Castiel rolls his eyes and Gabriel laughs.
“It’s a long story,” Castiel sighs. “But trust me; Dean’s not interested in me that way.”
“You sure about that?” Gabriel comments before pulling Castiel into a headlock. “Could have fooled me.”
Part 2