SPACES.
Title: Spaces in Between
Pairing: G-Ri
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Jiyong won't lie. He feels as if Seungri's so far away now- like Seungri's available to everybody else except Big Bang.
Prompt: If you haven't found me, I would have found you.
AN: I am extremely happy that I am able to finish this :) As always, Nell's 기억을 걷는 시간 served as my inspiration and music while writing.
Spaces in Between
Jiyong finishes writing a new song for Big Bang. Somehow, he feels heavy writing Seungri's name on the music sheet. Jiyong feels like, after all these years, he's still missing something. Like he still doesn't get it.
Is Jiyong doing something wrong? Is his writing not enough? Is his music really just a string of gibberish nonsense like what they all say?
Or is it Seungri's fault? Is Seungri the right person for this? Is Seungri really the one? Maybe Daesung would fit that second stanza better, or maybe he can just add a little more rap.
Or maybe-
Jiyong wonders if maybe, it's not that he's giving Seungri too little lines to sing- maybe, Seungri's just singing the wrong song to begin with.
--
"One day, when Big Bang splits up, don't forget about me, okay?" Seungri says this with a smile so sweet and serious that Jiyong's heart kinds of aches- dull and numb with a few heartbeats in between. Jiyong feels like he's finally understanding the other half of Seungri's mystery. Finally.
"What makes you think that Big Bang will split up?" Jiyong's voice doesn't tremble, but his hands shake. Suddenly, Jiyong's seeing stars but they don't sparkle. They're dying and losing their glow. He's been told that stars will eventually meet their end, but he thought that the end is too far to think of right now. But he's seeing it, right before his eyes across the kitchen- panda eyes and dark ruffled hair. It hurts a little, not very much- just the right amount of emptiness to make him think that yeah, it is coming.
"Well, of course we'll split up. One day, we will. And all of us will go our separate ways," Seungri looks at Jiyong from across the counter, smile not faltering. "G-Dragon, Taeyang, TOP and Daesung- Big Bang cannot contain the greatness of these names," Pause. "Seungri. Seungri, too. Also the greatness of my name," Seungri chuckles out of the blue, like he's telling a joke and Jiyong needs to get it because it's so simple. Oh, Jiyong gets it, alright. And that's the part that he actually hates.
"What if we don't? What if-" Jiyong's never been good with these kinds of conversations. This is what Youngbae's for. "- what if, we'll be together, forever?"
"We aren't forever, hyung. We're not infinity."
Seungri disappears into his bedroom. It's not until after sometime that Jiyong realizes he's alone in the kitchen and that he's holding his breath. But he's not dying, nor gasping for air. It feels rather nice. The feel of being alive but not breathing, like- Jiyong's too amazing to be normal.
"Yeah, we aren't. But we could try."
The empty room doesn't answer him back.
Yeah, Jiyong's never been really good with this.
--
The camera's rolling and the show's starting. The audience is loud and Jiyong looks around the stage to his members. Jiyong sees Seungri looking out towards the VIPs, a sad little smile on his face. Jiyong suddenly feels like he's incomplete.
Then Big Bang sings their comeback song and everybody loves them. Again.
Seungri's smiles are the brightest. And he winks a couple of times. Jiyong forgives him. Just this once.
--
A new variety show invites them over because they're the hottest thing that has ever grazed this year's chart. Yes, it's the group that everybody loves. It's B to the I to the BANG BANG. Never mind that the G doesn't get heard that much. It doesn't matter, right? It doesn't, really. Because the G was just there to complete the whole word, not very important. It's the musicality that counts, the beat, the tone- the fans.
But Jiyong's always been bothered about it.
"Don't you think so, too?"
"Hyung, you're bothered because the G is your part."
Jiyong doesn't tell Seungri he's bothered because of-
--
They get interviewed for a magazine article and the questions are getting tiresome and repetitive. Jiyong's been asked these questions before. Jiyong's answers have changed a little, but not entirely. He words his sentences differently. Maybe, they won't notice.
"I've always thought that Jiyong hyung is the greatest hyung. He really cares about Big Bang. I'm sure he'll achieve other greater things than he already has. I believe in him," Seungri smiles a cheeky smile and the Interviewer Noona giggles. "Ah~ but of course, the other hyungs are great too..."
Jiyong suddenly wants to cry because he doesn't want this to end.
--
"We're eating out, coming?" Youngbae asks Seungri but the younger simply shakes his head. Jiyong doesn't know what but he feels like there's something wrong with the question, feels like he should correct it.
"Big Bang's eating out. Let's go, Seungriyah."
Seungri looks up from his laptop, smiles but still shakes his head.
"Jiyong hyung, you guys go on. I'll be fine here."
Jiyong, maybe, understands.
--
It's an age old question and it's a mystery why after all these years they still get asked about this.
"I would probably date myself. Because in this industry, you won't survive if you don't love yourself."
Youngbae looks over from his place on the other side, a knowing glint in his eyes.
Jiyong, that's cheating. That's practically like saying you'd date Seungri.
Jiyong smirks to himself. Maybe, he really is a genius.
--
TOP hyung smiles awkwardly as Seungri does another failed attempt at an impersonation. Daesung has long given up and Youngbae understands it a bit. Not because he's a saint cause he isn't. Really, he isn't. Youngbae understands because Jiyong explained it to him.
"Aigoo~ what is this kind of reaction? Doesn't it sound the same? It does! It does!"
Jiyong sees through it all. Because he's the same. The world just appreciates him a little bit more, understands his weird and crazy ideas. But Seungri- Ah- the world just isn't ready for Seungri. Yes. Yes.
--
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Jiyong hisses at Seungri and the younger just smiles apologetically. Jiyong's fists clench.
"Hyung, I don't see anything wrong with going out today. We don't have a schedule, I was free, my friends called me out-" Seungri's apologetic but there's that strange glint in his eyes saying he knows exactly what he's doing and this is nothing innocent.
"What I see wrong is that I asked you to accompany me to a launching party this afternoon and you said you're busy. But your wonderful friends ask you to go drinking and you agree. That's what I see is wrong," Jiyong's heart is aching-hurting and he does not understand when it has come to this.
Seungri doesn't-can't answer.
"Sometimes, I wonder what I am to you."
"You're my favorite hyung. You're G-dragon."
Somehow, that hits more chords than Jiyong thought it would.
--
Jiyong's heart aches from the hurt. But he still writes. He still holds his pen and fills the paper with his anger and his heartbreak. He doesn't cry. He could have, but he doesn't.
But his lyrics are bleeding. And he thinks that's more than enough.
--
"I'm sorry," Seungri says and Jiyong wants to forgive but couldn't.
"You are. But only because you need to be."
"Hyung, I'm serious. I'm sorry," Jiyong nods his head once and stands up to leave.
--
Another stage, another live performance. Jiyong's singing his lines and Seungri's rapping. How wrong is that?
--
The interview was printed and Jiyong buys his own copy of the magazine. Jiyong tears and keeps the page where Seungri loves him (where Jiyong wants to think that Seungri loves him).
--
Jiyong finds the file hidden inside countless of folders. Jiyong is sneaky and he loves poking fun at Seungri. Who knew Seungri's laptop password is so easy to guess?
--
"Jiyong hyung! Hi, this is Lee Seunghyun :)
Uh, I'm doing this video to tell you that I hate you >(
Yes, seriously, I really - I do! I hate you! Because- hm- because I've always thought that I only need myself in order to survive in this industry. That if I believe in myself, then everything will be alright, right? I've always thought this way. But meeting you changed everything. :)
Hyung, thank you for always believing in me, thank you for putting up with me even when the others have given up. Thank you. You don't know how much. :D
I'm sorry if I'm annoying, but you love me, right? I know you do. Somehow, that makes me feel like I can conquer the world. We can do this. XD
Fighting!
Pause. Eyes grow dim.
Ah, this is so corny, I'll delete this and record a new one later. =/ "
--
If there was a later, Jiyong doesn't want to know. This is enough.
More than, actually.
--
"Damn it, I'm scared, okay?" Seungri's not crying but his voice is a pitch higher and Jiyong sees the vulnerability behind the flashy smile and bright determined eyes. "Are you happy now? I admit it. I. am. scared."
"Seungri- this isn't-"
"-about me. Yeah, I know. I'm Seungri. I'm the best. I know I am. But am I really? I know I'm amazing, I know I'm great but without Big Bang- without you- "
"Stop! You're being so damn imma-"
"-immature? Of course, I am. I'm Big Bang's maknae. Aren't I supposed to be immature? I'm so damn afraid and nobody understands. Not even you!"
But Jiyong does understand. Seungri's afraid of the future, where he'll be after a few years' time- so he refuses to attach himself some more. Instead, he's slowly retracing steps, learning to stand on his own.
--
Jiyong kisses Seungri, nice and slow. Jiyong kisses Seungri and puts all of his emotions to the tip of his tongue and tries so hard to tell without saying that I am here, I love you.
Jiyong thinks that it doesn't have to mean anything for now. It doesn't even have to mean anything ever. This one kiss, it will be like a single secret that they'll both laugh at when they meet again after 30 years, and they both have two beautiful kids and a lovely wife each.
--
Love knows a thousand million boundaries, but Jiyong is ready to break through them all for Seungri.
--
"If I didn't join YG, if I didn't make it in Big Bang- would it still be the same?" Jiyong hears Seungri's heartbeat from across the kitchen table. He hears the underlying sadness, the defeat of victory.
"No."
"I thought so."
"But I would have found you still. Even if you didn't."
"I thought so."
Seungri smiles and Jiyong smirks and everything is still the same- Jiyong still loves Seungri and Seungri still needs to love.
--
Jiyong finishes writing a new song for Seungri.
"For your next solo- under my own record label."
AN: Hello, you've reached the end. I'm happy that you did and I hope you enjoyed the ride :)
AN2: Comments are much appreciated. Cookies?
Pairing: G-Ri
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Jiyong won't lie. He feels as if Seungri's so far away now- like Seungri's available to everybody else except Big Bang.
Prompt: If you haven't found me, I would have found you.
AN: I am extremely happy that I am able to finish this :) As always, Nell's 기억을 걷는 시간 served as my inspiration and music while writing.
Spaces in Between
Jiyong finishes writing a new song for Big Bang. Somehow, he feels heavy writing Seungri's name on the music sheet. Jiyong feels like, after all these years, he's still missing something. Like he still doesn't get it.
Is Jiyong doing something wrong? Is his writing not enough? Is his music really just a string of gibberish nonsense like what they all say?
Or is it Seungri's fault? Is Seungri the right person for this? Is Seungri really the one? Maybe Daesung would fit that second stanza better, or maybe he can just add a little more rap.
Or maybe-
Jiyong wonders if maybe, it's not that he's giving Seungri too little lines to sing- maybe, Seungri's just singing the wrong song to begin with.
--
"One day, when Big Bang splits up, don't forget about me, okay?" Seungri says this with a smile so sweet and serious that Jiyong's heart kinds of aches- dull and numb with a few heartbeats in between. Jiyong feels like he's finally understanding the other half of Seungri's mystery. Finally.
"What makes you think that Big Bang will split up?" Jiyong's voice doesn't tremble, but his hands shake. Suddenly, Jiyong's seeing stars but they don't sparkle. They're dying and losing their glow. He's been told that stars will eventually meet their end, but he thought that the end is too far to think of right now. But he's seeing it, right before his eyes across the kitchen- panda eyes and dark ruffled hair. It hurts a little, not very much- just the right amount of emptiness to make him think that yeah, it is coming.
"Well, of course we'll split up. One day, we will. And all of us will go our separate ways," Seungri looks at Jiyong from across the counter, smile not faltering. "G-Dragon, Taeyang, TOP and Daesung- Big Bang cannot contain the greatness of these names," Pause. "Seungri. Seungri, too. Also the greatness of my name," Seungri chuckles out of the blue, like he's telling a joke and Jiyong needs to get it because it's so simple. Oh, Jiyong gets it, alright. And that's the part that he actually hates.
"What if we don't? What if-" Jiyong's never been good with these kinds of conversations. This is what Youngbae's for. "- what if, we'll be together, forever?"
"We aren't forever, hyung. We're not infinity."
Seungri disappears into his bedroom. It's not until after sometime that Jiyong realizes he's alone in the kitchen and that he's holding his breath. But he's not dying, nor gasping for air. It feels rather nice. The feel of being alive but not breathing, like- Jiyong's too amazing to be normal.
"Yeah, we aren't. But we could try."
The empty room doesn't answer him back.
Yeah, Jiyong's never been really good with this.
--
The camera's rolling and the show's starting. The audience is loud and Jiyong looks around the stage to his members. Jiyong sees Seungri looking out towards the VIPs, a sad little smile on his face. Jiyong suddenly feels like he's incomplete.
Then Big Bang sings their comeback song and everybody loves them. Again.
Seungri's smiles are the brightest. And he winks a couple of times. Jiyong forgives him. Just this once.
--
A new variety show invites them over because they're the hottest thing that has ever grazed this year's chart. Yes, it's the group that everybody loves. It's B to the I to the BANG BANG. Never mind that the G doesn't get heard that much. It doesn't matter, right? It doesn't, really. Because the G was just there to complete the whole word, not very important. It's the musicality that counts, the beat, the tone- the fans.
But Jiyong's always been bothered about it.
"Don't you think so, too?"
"Hyung, you're bothered because the G is your part."
Jiyong doesn't tell Seungri he's bothered because of-
--
They get interviewed for a magazine article and the questions are getting tiresome and repetitive. Jiyong's been asked these questions before. Jiyong's answers have changed a little, but not entirely. He words his sentences differently. Maybe, they won't notice.
"I've always thought that Jiyong hyung is the greatest hyung. He really cares about Big Bang. I'm sure he'll achieve other greater things than he already has. I believe in him," Seungri smiles a cheeky smile and the Interviewer Noona giggles. "Ah~ but of course, the other hyungs are great too..."
Jiyong suddenly wants to cry because he doesn't want this to end.
--
"We're eating out, coming?" Youngbae asks Seungri but the younger simply shakes his head. Jiyong doesn't know what but he feels like there's something wrong with the question, feels like he should correct it.
"Big Bang's eating out. Let's go, Seungriyah."
Seungri looks up from his laptop, smiles but still shakes his head.
"Jiyong hyung, you guys go on. I'll be fine here."
Jiyong, maybe, understands.
--
It's an age old question and it's a mystery why after all these years they still get asked about this.
"I would probably date myself. Because in this industry, you won't survive if you don't love yourself."
Youngbae looks over from his place on the other side, a knowing glint in his eyes.
Jiyong, that's cheating. That's practically like saying you'd date Seungri.
Jiyong smirks to himself. Maybe, he really is a genius.
--
TOP hyung smiles awkwardly as Seungri does another failed attempt at an impersonation. Daesung has long given up and Youngbae understands it a bit. Not because he's a saint cause he isn't. Really, he isn't. Youngbae understands because Jiyong explained it to him.
"Aigoo~ what is this kind of reaction? Doesn't it sound the same? It does! It does!"
Jiyong sees through it all. Because he's the same. The world just appreciates him a little bit more, understands his weird and crazy ideas. But Seungri- Ah- the world just isn't ready for Seungri. Yes. Yes.
--
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Jiyong hisses at Seungri and the younger just smiles apologetically. Jiyong's fists clench.
"Hyung, I don't see anything wrong with going out today. We don't have a schedule, I was free, my friends called me out-" Seungri's apologetic but there's that strange glint in his eyes saying he knows exactly what he's doing and this is nothing innocent.
"What I see wrong is that I asked you to accompany me to a launching party this afternoon and you said you're busy. But your wonderful friends ask you to go drinking and you agree. That's what I see is wrong," Jiyong's heart is aching-hurting and he does not understand when it has come to this.
Seungri doesn't-can't answer.
"Sometimes, I wonder what I am to you."
"You're my favorite hyung. You're G-dragon."
Somehow, that hits more chords than Jiyong thought it would.
--
Jiyong's heart aches from the hurt. But he still writes. He still holds his pen and fills the paper with his anger and his heartbreak. He doesn't cry. He could have, but he doesn't.
But his lyrics are bleeding. And he thinks that's more than enough.
--
"I'm sorry," Seungri says and Jiyong wants to forgive but couldn't.
"You are. But only because you need to be."
"Hyung, I'm serious. I'm sorry," Jiyong nods his head once and stands up to leave.
--
Another stage, another live performance. Jiyong's singing his lines and Seungri's rapping. How wrong is that?
--
The interview was printed and Jiyong buys his own copy of the magazine. Jiyong tears and keeps the page where Seungri loves him (where Jiyong wants to think that Seungri loves him).
--
Jiyong finds the file hidden inside countless of folders. Jiyong is sneaky and he loves poking fun at Seungri. Who knew Seungri's laptop password is so easy to guess?
--
"Jiyong hyung! Hi, this is Lee Seunghyun :)
Uh, I'm doing this video to tell you that I hate you >(
Yes, seriously, I really - I do! I hate you! Because- hm- because I've always thought that I only need myself in order to survive in this industry. That if I believe in myself, then everything will be alright, right? I've always thought this way. But meeting you changed everything. :)
Hyung, thank you for always believing in me, thank you for putting up with me even when the others have given up. Thank you. You don't know how much. :D
I'm sorry if I'm annoying, but you love me, right? I know you do. Somehow, that makes me feel like I can conquer the world. We can do this. XD
Fighting!
Pause. Eyes grow dim.
Ah, this is so corny, I'll delete this and record a new one later. =/ "
--
If there was a later, Jiyong doesn't want to know. This is enough.
More than, actually.
--
"Damn it, I'm scared, okay?" Seungri's not crying but his voice is a pitch higher and Jiyong sees the vulnerability behind the flashy smile and bright determined eyes. "Are you happy now? I admit it. I. am. scared."
"Seungri- this isn't-"
"-about me. Yeah, I know. I'm Seungri. I'm the best. I know I am. But am I really? I know I'm amazing, I know I'm great but without Big Bang- without you- "
"Stop! You're being so damn imma-"
"-immature? Of course, I am. I'm Big Bang's maknae. Aren't I supposed to be immature? I'm so damn afraid and nobody understands. Not even you!"
But Jiyong does understand. Seungri's afraid of the future, where he'll be after a few years' time- so he refuses to attach himself some more. Instead, he's slowly retracing steps, learning to stand on his own.
--
Jiyong kisses Seungri, nice and slow. Jiyong kisses Seungri and puts all of his emotions to the tip of his tongue and tries so hard to tell without saying that I am here, I love you.
Jiyong thinks that it doesn't have to mean anything for now. It doesn't even have to mean anything ever. This one kiss, it will be like a single secret that they'll both laugh at when they meet again after 30 years, and they both have two beautiful kids and a lovely wife each.
--
Love knows a thousand million boundaries, but Jiyong is ready to break through them all for Seungri.
--
"If I didn't join YG, if I didn't make it in Big Bang- would it still be the same?" Jiyong hears Seungri's heartbeat from across the kitchen table. He hears the underlying sadness, the defeat of victory.
"No."
"I thought so."
"But I would have found you still. Even if you didn't."
"I thought so."
Seungri smiles and Jiyong smirks and everything is still the same- Jiyong still loves Seungri and Seungri still needs to love.
--
Jiyong finishes writing a new song for Seungri.
"For your next solo- under my own record label."
AN: Hello, you've reached the end. I'm happy that you did and I hope you enjoyed the ride :)
AN2: Comments are much appreciated. Cookies?