That smoke in the mirror [Uruki - 4/?]
Title: That smoke in the mirror
Chapters: 4/?
Genre: Angst, drama, romance
Warnings: Swearing
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in the story.
Rating: PG-13 (May change later on)
Band: the GazettE
Pairings: UruhaxRuki
Previous Chapters: 1 | 2 | 3
Synopsis: Kouyou's having inner persona conflict, all because of one man, and it's starting to take toll.
Author's note: It's a shame this one's taken me so long to write up due to being ill and such, but I've finally finished it- right before Christmas day.
<< Previous chapter / Next chapter >>
In the next few weeks that passed, our tour has started. We’ve all become very busy with the planning, setting up, concerts, travelling and other intricate things that I’ve delved myself into to avoid the chaos in my head. I try to absorb the stress of work to eliminate my own inner stress, preoccupying myself with other things wherever I can. I find escapism in the lives, even if I am dressed as someone else. Playing guitar and seeing such happiness from everyone around me always manages to brighten my feelings up at least for some time; a hyperactive buzz that reminds me I am alive and keeps me thriving as best I can.
The exhaustion I experience after, however, leaves me in a different state. After the last live we had I totally collapsed on the floor, my head dizzy, buzzing and numb, whilst my limbs ached and refused to work. I am almost drowned in my drunken thoughts after a live; an unbalanced mix of an excited mind and an insecure Kouyou who is somewhere unknown.
It’s almost as if being drunk enables real thoughts to seep through the cracks in borders I’ve built up in my mind whilst touring. Sometimes the unsettling thoughts drone on for hours, even after I wake up, leaving my mind and body in a numb, aching state, giving me strong cravings for pain killers and alcohol to wash it all down. Thankfully, there haven’t been any proper injuries- not yet.
Somewhere amongst the thoughts of work, lives, Uruha and Kouyou, Ruki occasionally arises. It’s no doubt that the prospect of being able to see him on my own has died out and I’m speedily losing hope as the days wear on. I’m holding onto memories that are years old; faded in most places and vague, but they’re keeping me going. There’s joy in knowing we could once smile together and talk and joke about useless things, with me not even worrying about how I was with other people and the contrast to myself.
The memories run through my head on a repetitive reel when I’m trying to sleep, tearing me even more as I’m caught between my envy for him and the need to know him once again, even if he doesn’t know me.
I sigh against my pillow. You win again, smoke. I roll over onto my other side, stripping myself free of the heavy thick sheets that had almost suffocated me last night. It’s way too hot for my liking in this hotel, yet absolutely freezing outside. Fucking winter, I tell myself, taking a glance at the clock- 6.30am. I don’t even need to be awake now, but, as usual, my body’s telling me otherwise.
A shower it is, then. I slowly drag myself out of bed and into the bathroom, waiting a moment after turning the shower on. It’s cold. Maybe that’s just because the heating is so hot in this hotel, but I get undressed and climb in anyway, standing lazily under the showerhead as I adjust to the temperature. I spend an unnecessary amount of time cleaning, daydreaming as I stare at the white tiled wall.
By the time I get out, it’s already 7am. I get dressed and lay sideways across the bed, my legs dangling idly off the edge. There’s no point in attempting to get back to sleep; previous experience has told me it just won’t work- now that my mind is awake the rest of me must stay so too. My mind never turns off at will.
A sudden loud knock at the door causes me to jolt upwards in shock and I scurry over to open it. Unexpectedly, the person who’s come to visit at such an early hour is Ruki, standing in front of me with a broad grin on his face, today wearing his expensive thick-rimmed glasses. I force a smile in place of an expression of shock. “Again with the loud knocking.”
“Uru, I’ve told you already- I’m being different. It’s part of my ‘self expression’.” He chuckles, making his way into my room.
I return back to sitting at the bed when he plops himself beside me, swinging his feet. “Not to mention you could’ve been asleep,” he adds, “and if anyone knows how hard it is to wake you, that’d be me.”
“Well, the whole ‘my pace’ thing isn’t quite working to my own tastes lately, but… y’know. Tours can be stressful.” I say with some honesty, watching his feet swing in the air. I wonder why he’s even here at such a time, making comments about my sleep and knocking too loudly on my door. He nods in agreement and the corners of his mouth curl very slightly as he watches me lazily observing him.
There’s a moment of calm silence before he speaks again. “I was thinking about the offer you made a few weeks ago.” His feet stop swinging and he looks up at me, smiling. Thoughts start rapidly rushing through my head- He remembered? Shit…
I feel the need to respond so suddenly, but my words come out through stutters. “W-what did you have in mind?”
“We could go for a walk.” He begins drumming on his knee with his fingers. He’s always fidgeting. That hasn’t changed, I tell myself as I watch him, trying to distract myself.
Something in me shivers- I’m not prepared for this. I wasn’t expecting this at all. I feel the need to find an excuse to give myself time. The thoughts continue to rush and I presume the worry has shown through to my face as his expression of happiness loosens a little. “D-don’t you have work? Don’t we both? It’s not a day off or anything…” I continue to stutter.
“Hey, if Reita can squeeze in bowling time late on a Monday night, it wouldn’t hurt to slide in a little walk- I mean, if you want to, that is- on an early Tuesday morning.” He chortles, giving me another look of reassurance. I fail to bring myself to refuse. What have I got to lose?
“Hmm... alright, let’s go.” I give in- I don’t think I could ever say no.
When we leave, it’s mildly dark outside. The street lamps are still glowing faintly as we pass slowly through the narrow road of the city, the darkness slowly lifting. Ruki walks beside me, humming to himself as he lights up a cigarette, puffing out little clouds of smoke that evaporate into the cold air. At first, we say nothing, silently glancing at the things around us, rubbing our hands in attempts to keep warm. Strange feelings of anxiousness pulse through me gradually, my brain fumbling for words to bring up conversation. It’s been too long.
“It’s kind of… nice out this morning, isn’t it?” He murmurs, almost sounding shy, slowing his walking pace as we step closer to the crossroad. I stop beside him and notice him looking up towards the sky, his eyes filled with a twinkle of admiration as he gazes up. Streaks of clouds line the sky lightly, tinted faintly with various shades of purple, blue and orange from the sun that slowly rises beneath. As I smile at the sight, the anxiousness begins to ease out of me, floating away into the bitter winter wind.
The admiration in his eyes is still there beneath his thick-framed glasses when I look back at him. “Yeah… yeah, you’re right.” I say timidly, nodding as his eyes do not stray from the masterpiece above us.
You always notice beautiful things.
+
Things become less quiet as we enter more into the city; this morning’s commuters begin to spill into the roads and the buzz of cars whooshing past fills the air- not to mention Ruki and I have actually been making conversation. The sun has finally risen yet the sky is now overcast in a light grey, but feeling no increase in warmth I take my gloves out and pull them over my hands amidst conversation.
“Why didn’t you put your gloves on earlier?” Ruki asks, fiddling with his hat, as if self conscious that it’s not as cold as he thinks it is.
“I wasn’t that cold before, but I am now.” I sigh, a puff of white air escaping my lips- much unlike his dark smoke curling in the air- “Actually, do you think we could go inside somewhere? We can’t walk forever.” More honesty escapes me- if I was Uruha, I would just be stringing along, but with a lot of my anxiety fading, I feel somewhat comfortable. It’s an odd feeling in a situation so rare nowadays that I find myself smiling at him.
He looks at me slightly wide-eyed for a moment before blinking. “Oh, I forgot to say… I was thinking of getting you breakfast.”
I chuckle at his unexpected kindness, “Oh, brilliant- a candlelit dinner for two?”
He gives me a confused expression momentarily before laughing loudly, then smirking as he replies, “First of all, it’s the morning- we’re not having dinner. Second, you know I’d just burn the table down with the candles and then blame it all on you. Third, I hate cheesy stuff like that.”
“What- you’re not gonna mention that we’re not a couple?”
“I thought that part was obvious, Uru. We’d just be a pair of odd looking men of drastically different heights casually talking about how we plan to pretend to fan-girls that we have a quick fuck backstage before the encore…”
It’s the first time in so long that I have laughed so hard without having to fake it.
+
There is no shortness of laughter or chatter from both of us as we take our seats in a small, warmly heated café, draping our coats over the seats and choosing our food from the menus. As Ruki goes to order and our laughter simmers down, I feel myself become suddenly aware of my abrupt change in emotion- all thanks to his presence. I want the feeling to remain, warming my previous bitter feelings, eradicating them; as something to cling onto.
“What are you smiling at?” He questions, popping my bubble of thought as he returns to his chair.
“Oh- I… nothing…” My sentence quickly fades as I realise I can come to no explanation- and even if I could, there’d be no chance I would explain. Instead, I result to watching him light up like all those other countless times, his eyes glazed over and distant whilst the smoke escapes into the air. There’s always smoke. Today it’s not something intimidating, but merely something existing, to be observed and untangled another time- but always there.
The silence between us is nonchalant and calm, a smile playing on the smaller man’s lips as he sits in front of me. There’s no need to ask what causes it- he knows he’s caught my eye.
“You seem happier now.” A puff of smoke fades as it floats closer to me.
“You’ve played a large part in that.” Pure, blunt honesty escapes me. It still feels strange being lifted from my lungs.
“I’m glad I could help.” He says with a full smile forming on his lips as he taps the cigarette lightly against the ash tray.
“Thank you. Thank you for your presence this morning. It means a lot to me.”
“You know I’m here whenever you need me.”
It’s been a morning of new feelings and different sights and as I sit here watching the smoke and for the first time I am comfortable around someone else- with the first person I was myself around so long ago. It’s almost as if a barrier has been broken that was only there in hindsight, hidden amongst my own troubles. I could never thank him enough.
Comment to let me know what you think! ♥ Happy holidays.
Chapters: 4/?
Genre: Angst, drama, romance
Warnings: Swearing
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in the story.
Rating: PG-13 (May change later on)
Band: the GazettE
Pairings: UruhaxRuki
Previous Chapters: 1 | 2 | 3
Synopsis: Kouyou's having inner persona conflict, all because of one man, and it's starting to take toll.
Author's note: It's a shame this one's taken me so long to write up due to being ill and such, but I've finally finished it- right before Christmas day.
<< Previous chapter / Next chapter >>
In the next few weeks that passed, our tour has started. We’ve all become very busy with the planning, setting up, concerts, travelling and other intricate things that I’ve delved myself into to avoid the chaos in my head. I try to absorb the stress of work to eliminate my own inner stress, preoccupying myself with other things wherever I can. I find escapism in the lives, even if I am dressed as someone else. Playing guitar and seeing such happiness from everyone around me always manages to brighten my feelings up at least for some time; a hyperactive buzz that reminds me I am alive and keeps me thriving as best I can.
The exhaustion I experience after, however, leaves me in a different state. After the last live we had I totally collapsed on the floor, my head dizzy, buzzing and numb, whilst my limbs ached and refused to work. I am almost drowned in my drunken thoughts after a live; an unbalanced mix of an excited mind and an insecure Kouyou who is somewhere unknown.
It’s almost as if being drunk enables real thoughts to seep through the cracks in borders I’ve built up in my mind whilst touring. Sometimes the unsettling thoughts drone on for hours, even after I wake up, leaving my mind and body in a numb, aching state, giving me strong cravings for pain killers and alcohol to wash it all down. Thankfully, there haven’t been any proper injuries- not yet.
Somewhere amongst the thoughts of work, lives, Uruha and Kouyou, Ruki occasionally arises. It’s no doubt that the prospect of being able to see him on my own has died out and I’m speedily losing hope as the days wear on. I’m holding onto memories that are years old; faded in most places and vague, but they’re keeping me going. There’s joy in knowing we could once smile together and talk and joke about useless things, with me not even worrying about how I was with other people and the contrast to myself.
The memories run through my head on a repetitive reel when I’m trying to sleep, tearing me even more as I’m caught between my envy for him and the need to know him once again, even if he doesn’t know me.
I sigh against my pillow. You win again, smoke. I roll over onto my other side, stripping myself free of the heavy thick sheets that had almost suffocated me last night. It’s way too hot for my liking in this hotel, yet absolutely freezing outside. Fucking winter, I tell myself, taking a glance at the clock- 6.30am. I don’t even need to be awake now, but, as usual, my body’s telling me otherwise.
A shower it is, then. I slowly drag myself out of bed and into the bathroom, waiting a moment after turning the shower on. It’s cold. Maybe that’s just because the heating is so hot in this hotel, but I get undressed and climb in anyway, standing lazily under the showerhead as I adjust to the temperature. I spend an unnecessary amount of time cleaning, daydreaming as I stare at the white tiled wall.
By the time I get out, it’s already 7am. I get dressed and lay sideways across the bed, my legs dangling idly off the edge. There’s no point in attempting to get back to sleep; previous experience has told me it just won’t work- now that my mind is awake the rest of me must stay so too. My mind never turns off at will.
A sudden loud knock at the door causes me to jolt upwards in shock and I scurry over to open it. Unexpectedly, the person who’s come to visit at such an early hour is Ruki, standing in front of me with a broad grin on his face, today wearing his expensive thick-rimmed glasses. I force a smile in place of an expression of shock. “Again with the loud knocking.”
“Uru, I’ve told you already- I’m being different. It’s part of my ‘self expression’.” He chuckles, making his way into my room.
I return back to sitting at the bed when he plops himself beside me, swinging his feet. “Not to mention you could’ve been asleep,” he adds, “and if anyone knows how hard it is to wake you, that’d be me.”
“Well, the whole ‘my pace’ thing isn’t quite working to my own tastes lately, but… y’know. Tours can be stressful.” I say with some honesty, watching his feet swing in the air. I wonder why he’s even here at such a time, making comments about my sleep and knocking too loudly on my door. He nods in agreement and the corners of his mouth curl very slightly as he watches me lazily observing him.
There’s a moment of calm silence before he speaks again. “I was thinking about the offer you made a few weeks ago.” His feet stop swinging and he looks up at me, smiling. Thoughts start rapidly rushing through my head- He remembered? Shit…
I feel the need to respond so suddenly, but my words come out through stutters. “W-what did you have in mind?”
“We could go for a walk.” He begins drumming on his knee with his fingers. He’s always fidgeting. That hasn’t changed, I tell myself as I watch him, trying to distract myself.
Something in me shivers- I’m not prepared for this. I wasn’t expecting this at all. I feel the need to find an excuse to give myself time. The thoughts continue to rush and I presume the worry has shown through to my face as his expression of happiness loosens a little. “D-don’t you have work? Don’t we both? It’s not a day off or anything…” I continue to stutter.
“Hey, if Reita can squeeze in bowling time late on a Monday night, it wouldn’t hurt to slide in a little walk- I mean, if you want to, that is- on an early Tuesday morning.” He chortles, giving me another look of reassurance. I fail to bring myself to refuse. What have I got to lose?
“Hmm... alright, let’s go.” I give in- I don’t think I could ever say no.
When we leave, it’s mildly dark outside. The street lamps are still glowing faintly as we pass slowly through the narrow road of the city, the darkness slowly lifting. Ruki walks beside me, humming to himself as he lights up a cigarette, puffing out little clouds of smoke that evaporate into the cold air. At first, we say nothing, silently glancing at the things around us, rubbing our hands in attempts to keep warm. Strange feelings of anxiousness pulse through me gradually, my brain fumbling for words to bring up conversation. It’s been too long.
“It’s kind of… nice out this morning, isn’t it?” He murmurs, almost sounding shy, slowing his walking pace as we step closer to the crossroad. I stop beside him and notice him looking up towards the sky, his eyes filled with a twinkle of admiration as he gazes up. Streaks of clouds line the sky lightly, tinted faintly with various shades of purple, blue and orange from the sun that slowly rises beneath. As I smile at the sight, the anxiousness begins to ease out of me, floating away into the bitter winter wind.
The admiration in his eyes is still there beneath his thick-framed glasses when I look back at him. “Yeah… yeah, you’re right.” I say timidly, nodding as his eyes do not stray from the masterpiece above us.
You always notice beautiful things.
+
Things become less quiet as we enter more into the city; this morning’s commuters begin to spill into the roads and the buzz of cars whooshing past fills the air- not to mention Ruki and I have actually been making conversation. The sun has finally risen yet the sky is now overcast in a light grey, but feeling no increase in warmth I take my gloves out and pull them over my hands amidst conversation.
“Why didn’t you put your gloves on earlier?” Ruki asks, fiddling with his hat, as if self conscious that it’s not as cold as he thinks it is.
“I wasn’t that cold before, but I am now.” I sigh, a puff of white air escaping my lips- much unlike his dark smoke curling in the air- “Actually, do you think we could go inside somewhere? We can’t walk forever.” More honesty escapes me- if I was Uruha, I would just be stringing along, but with a lot of my anxiety fading, I feel somewhat comfortable. It’s an odd feeling in a situation so rare nowadays that I find myself smiling at him.
He looks at me slightly wide-eyed for a moment before blinking. “Oh, I forgot to say… I was thinking of getting you breakfast.”
I chuckle at his unexpected kindness, “Oh, brilliant- a candlelit dinner for two?”
He gives me a confused expression momentarily before laughing loudly, then smirking as he replies, “First of all, it’s the morning- we’re not having dinner. Second, you know I’d just burn the table down with the candles and then blame it all on you. Third, I hate cheesy stuff like that.”
“What- you’re not gonna mention that we’re not a couple?”
“I thought that part was obvious, Uru. We’d just be a pair of odd looking men of drastically different heights casually talking about how we plan to pretend to fan-girls that we have a quick fuck backstage before the encore…”
It’s the first time in so long that I have laughed so hard without having to fake it.
+
There is no shortness of laughter or chatter from both of us as we take our seats in a small, warmly heated café, draping our coats over the seats and choosing our food from the menus. As Ruki goes to order and our laughter simmers down, I feel myself become suddenly aware of my abrupt change in emotion- all thanks to his presence. I want the feeling to remain, warming my previous bitter feelings, eradicating them; as something to cling onto.
“What are you smiling at?” He questions, popping my bubble of thought as he returns to his chair.
“Oh- I… nothing…” My sentence quickly fades as I realise I can come to no explanation- and even if I could, there’d be no chance I would explain. Instead, I result to watching him light up like all those other countless times, his eyes glazed over and distant whilst the smoke escapes into the air. There’s always smoke. Today it’s not something intimidating, but merely something existing, to be observed and untangled another time- but always there.
The silence between us is nonchalant and calm, a smile playing on the smaller man’s lips as he sits in front of me. There’s no need to ask what causes it- he knows he’s caught my eye.
“You seem happier now.” A puff of smoke fades as it floats closer to me.
“You’ve played a large part in that.” Pure, blunt honesty escapes me. It still feels strange being lifted from my lungs.
“I’m glad I could help.” He says with a full smile forming on his lips as he taps the cigarette lightly against the ash tray.
“Thank you. Thank you for your presence this morning. It means a lot to me.”
“You know I’m here whenever you need me.”
It’s been a morning of new feelings and different sights and as I sit here watching the smoke and for the first time I am comfortable around someone else- with the first person I was myself around so long ago. It’s almost as if a barrier has been broken that was only there in hindsight, hidden amongst my own troubles. I could never thank him enough.
Comment to let me know what you think! ♥ Happy holidays.