Baby Daddy (Surrogate remix)
Title: Baby Daddy (Surrogate remix)
Author: tafkarfanfic
Rating: PG
Remixed Story: "Baby Daddy" by green_grrl. I hope you're not disappointed with the outcome! I have taken your sweet story and turned it into one of my goofy silly things.
Warnings/Notes: Written for the gateverse_remix challenge. Warning for mpreg. (Oh, good heavens.) Thanks to the amazing harlequinaide for the last-minute beta, which means I've gotten it in only 11 minutes late.
Wordcount: 1597
Summary: Jack's body is going through unexpected changes. His team tries to help.
Jack slowly came to consciousness to the sound of multiple, asynchronized klaxons. He rolled over onto his back and stared at the ceiling for a moment, then reached over and turned off the alarm next to his bed. The noise didn't stop. He rolled over and turned off the alarm sitting on the other night table next to his bed and pulled the pillow over his head, but the siren-like noise was barely diminished. Still half-conscious, he made his way to the bathroom, turning off the two alarm clocks on his dresser, the one on the bookcase, and the one sitting on the shelf in his closet as he went.
He chucked his boxers into the corner of the bathroom, turned off the clanging bell of the old-fashioned alarm clock on the vanity, and turned the shower on full-blast, hoping the hot water would wake him up. Jack had had burnout before, but never like this, he thought as he soaped up. Usually it came after a string of hard missions, and he was cranky and even more sarcastic than usual (nothing a week of fishing wouldn't fix). This time, he found himself sleeping ten hours a day, a sleep so deep he had to buy extra alarm clocks to make sure he didn't sleep through them. Jack was no stranger to deep sleep, but for a guy trained to military alertness, this was unusual.
As he stepped out of the shower, he realized that he'd forgotten to remove his tube socks before getting into his shower. Or washing his feet.
He quieted the melancholy beeping of the alarm clock in the hallway, ignoring the squelching moist sounds his steps made on the floor, as he went into the kitchen to scare up some breakfast. One sniff of the (extremely sour, kind of chunky) milk sitting in his fridge was enough to send him back into the bathroom, heaving up the breakfast he hadn't had yet.
"That’s not normal," Jack said once he'd finished heaving, the cool porcelain bowl echoing his words back at him.
Round two with the kitchen went better. Last night's Chinese was still fine, and the Pizza Hut from earlier this week wasn't in bad shape either. As he bit into his anchovy pizza, now also topped with pork fried rice, he wondered why no one had ever thought to combine the two menus.
----
"Hey, Carter," Jack said, popping his head into the lab.
"Sir!" Carter quickly slid her goggles onto the top of her head and stood up, shutting down the flashing, rotating thingamabob she was working on. "I wasn't expecting to see you here today."
"I thought we had a…" he waved his hands in circles a few times, attempting to convey the concepts of stargate and important exploratory mission and please God don't let Frasier vaccinate me again, my butt's still sore from the last time. He managed to use that last one to make a pretty slick grab for Carter's donut. "You know, a thing today."
Carter looked perplexed. "The mission to P3X-459? No, sir, that's not until tomorrow. We've all got today off. It's Sunday."
"Right," Jack said through a mouthful of donut. He reached for a plate of Twinkies sitting on the desk across the way.
"Oh, sir, that's not food," Carter said urgently. "It's one of Dr. Lee's experiments."
Jack looked closer and realized the Twinkies were a delicate shade of green. They were also quivering slightly. He moved his hand toward them, and they quivered more. He backed away slowly, remembering where those “Twinkies” came from. O’Neill wondered, momentarily, if the gelatenous natives of P3X-686 also had delicious cream filling.
"Eating for two, sir?" Carter said with a little smile.
"Carter, do I seem…a little flaky to you?" he asked.
She squinted, the corners of her mouth turning down. "No more than usual, sir" she replied.
Jack attempted to thank her sarcastically, but the effect was lost as the last crumbs of the doughnut tumbled to the floor of the lab.
----
He rolled in the next morning even more cranky than he'd been the day before. He'd woken up late despite the many alarms, the pizza had apparently gone off overnight, and during the Ducks game the night before he'd found himself tearing up over a Hallmark commercial. As soon as they got back from P3-whatever, he was putting in for some R&R.
As they waited for the Gate to open, Daniel squinted at him, pretending not to look away whenever Jack noticed.
"What?" Jack asked testily.
"You…your skin. It looks…"
"What? Have I got a rash?"
"Noooooooooooo," Daniel said. "It's just…"
Teal'c cocked an eyebrow. "You appear to be emitting a 'glow'. Have you been using some sort of skin product?"
"No!" Jack said as the wormhole opened up. He suspected that Teal’c had been reading Doc Frasier’s waiting-room back issues of Cosmo again. The Jaffa couldn’t stay away from the quizzes, no matter how many orders Jack gave.
"Maybe it's just the clean glow of healthy living," Carter said.
Daniel shook his head. "That seems…”
"All right!" Jack bellowed, cutting Daniel off at the snark. "All conversations about my glow or lack thereof are on hold until we come back through that gate. We have a mission to complete."
He strode up the ramp. Teal'c fell in next to him. "The Home Shopping Network has a fine special this week on night skin serums containing glycolic acid," Teal'c said.
Jack rolled his eyes. "Oh, for cryin'…"
They stepped through the wormhole.
P3X-459 was everything a planet should be. Lots of pine trees, rolling hills of green, a lake in the distance, and not a Goa'uld mothership in sight. It reminded Jack of his fishing cabin, which reminded him of fish, which gave him a craving for sushi with Oreo cookies on top. The only thing unusual about the view was the small gray alien standing at the foot of the stairs.
"Well," Jack said as the team walked down the stairs. "Fancy meeting you here."
"Hello, O'Neill," Thor said. "It is a pleasure to see you again."
"Social call?" Jack asked hopefully.
Thor shook his head. "I am afraid not. I have unfortunate news. We have received word that Loki has attempted yet another experiment in order to preserve our race."
"It's not another Jack clone, is it?" Daniel said.
"No, Daniel Jackson," Thor said. "It appears that Loki attempted to circumvent our cellular decay by providing us with bodies grown from infancy."
Daniel stared at Jack, widening his eyes and scrunching his face in quick succession. "Well, that explains the glow," he mumbled.
Carter started to laugh, clamped her hand over her mouth to stifle it and turned it into a cough. Teal'c's right eyebrow rose.
Jack looked at Daniel, then at Thor. "Wait a minute. You're saying I'm pregnant?"
"Now, Jack, just calm down for a minute," Daniel said.
"Whaddya mean, calm down?" said Jack.
"I'm sure that Thor has…"
Talking right over him, Jack said, "What is it with aliens wanting me to have their babies? First I get cut open to carry the spawn of Hathor -"
"Jack, I know you feel violated right now, and I understand, because Hathor used me to create those symbiotes!" Daniel said, stepping closer, the words coming out of his mouth on fast-forward.
"Oh, don't think I've forgotten that you were almost my baby-daddy," Jack said as he moved in, bringing them almost nose-to-nose.
From down around waist level, the two men heard a small throat-clearing noise. In unison, they looked down at Thor, who was still standing between them.
"Doctor Jackson is correct,” Thor said, as though for the first time. Jack was getting sick of those particular words, in that particular order. “While only Doctor Jackson’s genetic material was used to help create those symbiotes, in order to ensure his experiment was properly genetically diverse, Loki used a sample from another human, as well as O'Neill."
Jack and Daniel stared at the Asgard for a moment, then at each other. "Oh, you gotta be kidding me!" said Jack.
Daniel opened and closed his mouth like a dying fish, then said faintly, "Well, at least the father is someone you know."
Thor continued, a little more quickly than normal. "The Asgard High Council has discussed the situation. We are willing to propose a limited technological treaty in exchange for your continued services in this matter." The little grey alien blinked, first one eye and then the other. Jack was pretty sure that was the Asgard equivalent of blushing.
Carter and Teal’c had taken a step backwards, to be clear of the blast radius, but the Major stopped shot. "Wait,” she said, her eyes lighting up a little too greedily for Jack’s taste. ”You're willing to give us technology in exchange for Colonel O'Neill carrying the baby to term?"
"Carter," Jack said warningly.
"We would only need him to act as a surrogate for three of your months," Thor said. " At that time, we could remove the fetus to an artificial environment for the rest of the gestational period."
"Three months?" Jack and Daniel exclaimed in unison.
Carter shook her head. "Sir, I recognize you might find it physically uncomfortable, but this could be an extraordinary leap forward for Earth's defenses."
Teal’c bowed his head forward to hide his smile. “Did not one of your Presidents instruct you to 'Ask not what the Stargate program can do for you, but instead ask what you can do for your people.'"
"He was talking about the Peace Corps, not becoming a brood mare!"
"I think you mean 'stallion', Jack," Daniel said, as he cleaned his glasses. As the months wore on, it would be decided that Daniel was, technically, the stallion, over Jack’s virulent protestations.
"Whatever!"
Thor blinked again, right then left, and looked from one expectant father to the other. Even though Asgard facial expressions barely seemed to change, Jack could see a pleading look in the curve of his upper lip. "O'Neill, you hold within you the key that might allow my race to continue. You have risked death for us - are you not willing to risk creating life?"
Jack sighed. Risking death was easy. Sitting around, not doing anything, for three months? That was going to drive him bonkers.
"All right. Carter, you call Hammond and explain the situation. Thor, buddy, I want a list of what you're gonna give us, so the big guy can decide if it's worth having me on paternity leave for the next few months." He turned to Daniel, who was nearly through mouthing the word “maternity.” "And guess who's gonna be bringing me pickles and peanut butter?"
"As I recall of Rya’c’s gestation, it is a far, far braver thing you do now than you have ever done," Teal'c said.
Jack drew himself up a little. "Finally, some moral support. Thank you, Teal'c."
"I was speaking to Daniel Jackson," Teal'c said.
Author: tafkarfanfic
Rating: PG
Remixed Story: "Baby Daddy" by green_grrl. I hope you're not disappointed with the outcome! I have taken your sweet story and turned it into one of my goofy silly things.
Warnings/Notes: Written for the gateverse_remix challenge. Warning for mpreg. (Oh, good heavens.) Thanks to the amazing harlequinaide for the last-minute beta, which means I've gotten it in only 11 minutes late.
Wordcount: 1597
Summary: Jack's body is going through unexpected changes. His team tries to help.
Jack slowly came to consciousness to the sound of multiple, asynchronized klaxons. He rolled over onto his back and stared at the ceiling for a moment, then reached over and turned off the alarm next to his bed. The noise didn't stop. He rolled over and turned off the alarm sitting on the other night table next to his bed and pulled the pillow over his head, but the siren-like noise was barely diminished. Still half-conscious, he made his way to the bathroom, turning off the two alarm clocks on his dresser, the one on the bookcase, and the one sitting on the shelf in his closet as he went.
He chucked his boxers into the corner of the bathroom, turned off the clanging bell of the old-fashioned alarm clock on the vanity, and turned the shower on full-blast, hoping the hot water would wake him up. Jack had had burnout before, but never like this, he thought as he soaped up. Usually it came after a string of hard missions, and he was cranky and even more sarcastic than usual (nothing a week of fishing wouldn't fix). This time, he found himself sleeping ten hours a day, a sleep so deep he had to buy extra alarm clocks to make sure he didn't sleep through them. Jack was no stranger to deep sleep, but for a guy trained to military alertness, this was unusual.
As he stepped out of the shower, he realized that he'd forgotten to remove his tube socks before getting into his shower. Or washing his feet.
He quieted the melancholy beeping of the alarm clock in the hallway, ignoring the squelching moist sounds his steps made on the floor, as he went into the kitchen to scare up some breakfast. One sniff of the (extremely sour, kind of chunky) milk sitting in his fridge was enough to send him back into the bathroom, heaving up the breakfast he hadn't had yet.
"That’s not normal," Jack said once he'd finished heaving, the cool porcelain bowl echoing his words back at him.
Round two with the kitchen went better. Last night's Chinese was still fine, and the Pizza Hut from earlier this week wasn't in bad shape either. As he bit into his anchovy pizza, now also topped with pork fried rice, he wondered why no one had ever thought to combine the two menus.
----
"Hey, Carter," Jack said, popping his head into the lab.
"Sir!" Carter quickly slid her goggles onto the top of her head and stood up, shutting down the flashing, rotating thingamabob she was working on. "I wasn't expecting to see you here today."
"I thought we had a…" he waved his hands in circles a few times, attempting to convey the concepts of stargate and important exploratory mission and please God don't let Frasier vaccinate me again, my butt's still sore from the last time. He managed to use that last one to make a pretty slick grab for Carter's donut. "You know, a thing today."
Carter looked perplexed. "The mission to P3X-459? No, sir, that's not until tomorrow. We've all got today off. It's Sunday."
"Right," Jack said through a mouthful of donut. He reached for a plate of Twinkies sitting on the desk across the way.
"Oh, sir, that's not food," Carter said urgently. "It's one of Dr. Lee's experiments."
Jack looked closer and realized the Twinkies were a delicate shade of green. They were also quivering slightly. He moved his hand toward them, and they quivered more. He backed away slowly, remembering where those “Twinkies” came from. O’Neill wondered, momentarily, if the gelatenous natives of P3X-686 also had delicious cream filling.
"Eating for two, sir?" Carter said with a little smile.
"Carter, do I seem…a little flaky to you?" he asked.
She squinted, the corners of her mouth turning down. "No more than usual, sir" she replied.
Jack attempted to thank her sarcastically, but the effect was lost as the last crumbs of the doughnut tumbled to the floor of the lab.
----
He rolled in the next morning even more cranky than he'd been the day before. He'd woken up late despite the many alarms, the pizza had apparently gone off overnight, and during the Ducks game the night before he'd found himself tearing up over a Hallmark commercial. As soon as they got back from P3-whatever, he was putting in for some R&R.
As they waited for the Gate to open, Daniel squinted at him, pretending not to look away whenever Jack noticed.
"What?" Jack asked testily.
"You…your skin. It looks…"
"What? Have I got a rash?"
"Noooooooooooo," Daniel said. "It's just…"
Teal'c cocked an eyebrow. "You appear to be emitting a 'glow'. Have you been using some sort of skin product?"
"No!" Jack said as the wormhole opened up. He suspected that Teal’c had been reading Doc Frasier’s waiting-room back issues of Cosmo again. The Jaffa couldn’t stay away from the quizzes, no matter how many orders Jack gave.
"Maybe it's just the clean glow of healthy living," Carter said.
Daniel shook his head. "That seems…”
"All right!" Jack bellowed, cutting Daniel off at the snark. "All conversations about my glow or lack thereof are on hold until we come back through that gate. We have a mission to complete."
He strode up the ramp. Teal'c fell in next to him. "The Home Shopping Network has a fine special this week on night skin serums containing glycolic acid," Teal'c said.
Jack rolled his eyes. "Oh, for cryin'…"
They stepped through the wormhole.
P3X-459 was everything a planet should be. Lots of pine trees, rolling hills of green, a lake in the distance, and not a Goa'uld mothership in sight. It reminded Jack of his fishing cabin, which reminded him of fish, which gave him a craving for sushi with Oreo cookies on top. The only thing unusual about the view was the small gray alien standing at the foot of the stairs.
"Well," Jack said as the team walked down the stairs. "Fancy meeting you here."
"Hello, O'Neill," Thor said. "It is a pleasure to see you again."
"Social call?" Jack asked hopefully.
Thor shook his head. "I am afraid not. I have unfortunate news. We have received word that Loki has attempted yet another experiment in order to preserve our race."
"It's not another Jack clone, is it?" Daniel said.
"No, Daniel Jackson," Thor said. "It appears that Loki attempted to circumvent our cellular decay by providing us with bodies grown from infancy."
Daniel stared at Jack, widening his eyes and scrunching his face in quick succession. "Well, that explains the glow," he mumbled.
Carter started to laugh, clamped her hand over her mouth to stifle it and turned it into a cough. Teal'c's right eyebrow rose.
Jack looked at Daniel, then at Thor. "Wait a minute. You're saying I'm pregnant?"
"Now, Jack, just calm down for a minute," Daniel said.
"Whaddya mean, calm down?" said Jack.
"I'm sure that Thor has…"
Talking right over him, Jack said, "What is it with aliens wanting me to have their babies? First I get cut open to carry the spawn of Hathor -"
"Jack, I know you feel violated right now, and I understand, because Hathor used me to create those symbiotes!" Daniel said, stepping closer, the words coming out of his mouth on fast-forward.
"Oh, don't think I've forgotten that you were almost my baby-daddy," Jack said as he moved in, bringing them almost nose-to-nose.
From down around waist level, the two men heard a small throat-clearing noise. In unison, they looked down at Thor, who was still standing between them.
"Doctor Jackson is correct,” Thor said, as though for the first time. Jack was getting sick of those particular words, in that particular order. “While only Doctor Jackson’s genetic material was used to help create those symbiotes, in order to ensure his experiment was properly genetically diverse, Loki used a sample from another human, as well as O'Neill."
Jack and Daniel stared at the Asgard for a moment, then at each other. "Oh, you gotta be kidding me!" said Jack.
Daniel opened and closed his mouth like a dying fish, then said faintly, "Well, at least the father is someone you know."
Thor continued, a little more quickly than normal. "The Asgard High Council has discussed the situation. We are willing to propose a limited technological treaty in exchange for your continued services in this matter." The little grey alien blinked, first one eye and then the other. Jack was pretty sure that was the Asgard equivalent of blushing.
Carter and Teal’c had taken a step backwards, to be clear of the blast radius, but the Major stopped shot. "Wait,” she said, her eyes lighting up a little too greedily for Jack’s taste. ”You're willing to give us technology in exchange for Colonel O'Neill carrying the baby to term?"
"Carter," Jack said warningly.
"We would only need him to act as a surrogate for three of your months," Thor said. " At that time, we could remove the fetus to an artificial environment for the rest of the gestational period."
"Three months?" Jack and Daniel exclaimed in unison.
Carter shook her head. "Sir, I recognize you might find it physically uncomfortable, but this could be an extraordinary leap forward for Earth's defenses."
Teal’c bowed his head forward to hide his smile. “Did not one of your Presidents instruct you to 'Ask not what the Stargate program can do for you, but instead ask what you can do for your people.'"
"He was talking about the Peace Corps, not becoming a brood mare!"
"I think you mean 'stallion', Jack," Daniel said, as he cleaned his glasses. As the months wore on, it would be decided that Daniel was, technically, the stallion, over Jack’s virulent protestations.
"Whatever!"
Thor blinked again, right then left, and looked from one expectant father to the other. Even though Asgard facial expressions barely seemed to change, Jack could see a pleading look in the curve of his upper lip. "O'Neill, you hold within you the key that might allow my race to continue. You have risked death for us - are you not willing to risk creating life?"
Jack sighed. Risking death was easy. Sitting around, not doing anything, for three months? That was going to drive him bonkers.
"All right. Carter, you call Hammond and explain the situation. Thor, buddy, I want a list of what you're gonna give us, so the big guy can decide if it's worth having me on paternity leave for the next few months." He turned to Daniel, who was nearly through mouthing the word “maternity.” "And guess who's gonna be bringing me pickles and peanut butter?"
"As I recall of Rya’c’s gestation, it is a far, far braver thing you do now than you have ever done," Teal'c said.
Jack drew himself up a little. "Finally, some moral support. Thank you, Teal'c."
"I was speaking to Daniel Jackson," Teal'c said.