variations on the word love [Ver. G], part 1
notes:
Title is taken from the poem 'variations on the word love' by Margaret Atwood.
I've really, really wanted to write this for a while now (the other long piece I'm working on has been put on hold) and probably follow-up with a post blabbering about how much I love Seunghyun with Jiyong and why I think they are perfect for each other, after taking my fangirl delusions into consideration. It's planned as a long piece of work and I'm actually kind of shitty with delivering long works so I shan't jinx myself by talking about it anymore.
Jiyong, or GD's version is up first. Warning for content will be given whenever applicable.
Then there's the two
of us. This word
is far too short for us, it has only
four letters, too sparse
to fill those deep bare
vacuums between the stars
that press on us with their deafness.
It's not love we don't wish
to fall into, but that fear.
this word is not enough but it will
have to do. It's a single
vowel in this metallic
silence, a mouth that says
O again and again in wonder
and pain, a breath, a finger
grip on a cliffside. You can
hold on or let go.
-- 'variations on the word love', margaret atwood
He was told, he had never truly been in love.
Jiyong found it strange, since this was about himself, but he also couldn't help thinking that there must be some grain of truth in the wise words of his friends. People whom he called friends but were actually more than that-- the ones who lived, laughed and loved together with him since his younger, not-as-famous days.
Every time he had that heady rush of falling, of looking at a person and thinking that the other was the most perfect thing ever, he thought he must have surely fallen in love, and deeply too. But time and again it seemed like the feelings ebb and fade, what was once charming and amusing became forced and tiresome. There were times whereby he looked at the other person and realised that it wasn't enough, the feelings that lingered in the space between them. And then there were times whereby he knew he wasn't being honest, that he couldn't keep up the act the longer the relationship dragged out. One day the other would wake up and realise that the one and only G-Dragon was just a boy, a frightened one at that too, someone who couldn't commit for fear of watching affection fade from his other half's eyes.
He had told Youngbae about this fear of his and the other had only replied, in the calm and confident manner he always did, that half of the fear happened because he wasn't really in love, not really.
And each time it happened, Jiyong listened and wondered to himself if there would be any way for him to find out one day, what being in love truly felt like.
---
When Jiyong met Seunghyun, the other had already cultivated a reputation in their neighbourhood as a foul-tempered hooligan who skipped school and listened to inappropriate music all the time. Although Jiyong was a fan of hip-hop and considered himself a rapper, he was working hard at YG as a trainee (cleaning studios actually, but the title still counted) and he wanted to steer clear of all negative influences for fear of losing his place in the company.
However, a chance encounter with Seunghyun that was both awe-inspiring and downright terrifying had gotten the two of them acquainted, and that was also when he started learning more about the older boy. Some of those things he learnt actually contradicted totally against the rumours circulating the neighbourhood.
Yes, Seunghyun skipped school all the time and didn't give a shit about flunking examinations. He also slept in classes for those days he bothered to turn up for school, according to reliable feedback from someone Jiyong knew. But Seunghyun wasn't really foul-tempered or violent, despite how provocative some of the stuff he listened to was. He was actually one of the most chill person Jiyong had met outside of YG, and it amazed him constantly to see Seunghyun shrugging off comments and criticisms like how a duck would shake water off its back. The words didn't get to him, and neither did the accompanying gestures or facial expressions. He didn't care about the way people looked at him, but likewise, he never judged people for who they were and what they chose to do.
In short, Seunghyun was cooler than some of the people Jiyong knew (idols did not count) and that was saying quite a lot considering the crowd he was hanging out with then.
There were times whereby Seunghyun was strange, or funny, or annoying to the core, but it didn't lessen any of the other's charm, and all those little quirks only managed to make Jiyong even more fascinated with this boy who rapped with his heart and soul on his sleeve.
He would get this strange little fluttery feeling in his chest sometimes, when he gazed upon Seunghyun and wondered what was going through the other's head. He couldn't explain what it was; although he thought he recognised this feeling sometimes, he couldn't put a name to it.
Jiyong didn't have time to ponder too deeply about the feeling trapped in his chest then, busy with school and practice, and then with making music. He never told Seunghyun this but actually, aside from his other mentors at YG, the other had played a big part during those formative years of his life.
He suspected that without Choi Seunghyun, there might not be enough of Kwon Jiyong left now that G-Dragon had become more than just a persona. And sometimes, he wondered too, to himself, where had the Kwon Jiyong he knew gone.
"Hyung," Jiyong adjusted his cap, then adjusted it again, keeping his gaze on everything but Seunghyun's face. "I'm moving away in two weeks time, my parents decided that we should be staying at somewhere closer to the company until I'm old enough to stay at the dorms."
"Oh," there was a moment of silence and Jiyong chanced a glance at Seunghyun, noting the blank look on the other's face. The older boy met his gaze, then shrugged with an easy smile. "Okay. You'll be changing schools too, then?"
He couldn't help grinning in return, that was how infectious Seunghyun's moods were to him. "Yeah, changing to somewhere closer to the new neighbourhood."
Seunghyun was nodding, then reaching over to clap Jiyong on his shoulder. "Gonna miss hanging out with you."
Jiyong thought he must have hallucinated the sharp stab of pain he felt in his chest at those words, but he continued smiling at the other, shaking his head at the same time. "We'll meet again yeah? I mean, not like now, which is everyday, but whenever we are free?"
"Yeah," Seunghyun had agreed but Jiyong could already read the the look on his face, the one that said he knew exactly how often they would be communicating once Jiyong moved away. "Come on, I've just bought a new CD, let's go check it out."
"Okay, yeah."
When he first told Seunghyun that he was training at YG, the other had been at once impressed and envious. He didn't ask Jiyong how he managed to get into YG or what he was being trained in and he never once expressed interest in joining the company either. It was actually during these times that he wished Seunghyun would care more about such things instead of behaving as if wanting to become rich and famous was beneath him. It was almost insulting considering how hard Jiyong and Youngbae were working at YG, but he couldn't fault Seunghyun, not when he already knew that this was simply the other's nature and he wasn't really unconcerned. He was, very much so, like he had admitted to Jiyong once when his guard was down and he was feeling whimsical. But Seunghyun was someone who chose not to show his emotions and Jiyong understood the need to guard one's heart.
Jiyong followed the other boy home, feeling like this was the beginning of a series of goodbyes and wishing suddenly, that he hadn't agreed to his parents' suggestion to move. But the move would be better for him, and it would contribute to his childhood dream of becoming a rapper... so he couldn't give up on it now.
No matter what happened from here onwards… maybe they would lose contact and never speak to each other again. Maybe they would both become famous and meet on the stage one day. The future was full of infinite possibilities and he believed in Seunghyun, just like how he believed in himself.
We'll get there one day, hyung, you and I.
Title is taken from the poem 'variations on the word love' by Margaret Atwood.
I've really, really wanted to write this for a while now (the other long piece I'm working on has been put on hold) and probably follow-up with a post blabbering about how much I love Seunghyun with Jiyong and why I think they are perfect for each other, after taking my fangirl delusions into consideration. It's planned as a long piece of work and I'm actually kind of shitty with delivering long works so I shan't jinx myself by talking about it anymore.
Jiyong, or GD's version is up first. Warning for content will be given whenever applicable.
Then there's the two
of us. This word
is far too short for us, it has only
four letters, too sparse
to fill those deep bare
vacuums between the stars
that press on us with their deafness.
It's not love we don't wish
to fall into, but that fear.
this word is not enough but it will
have to do. It's a single
vowel in this metallic
silence, a mouth that says
O again and again in wonder
and pain, a breath, a finger
grip on a cliffside. You can
hold on or let go.
-- 'variations on the word love', margaret atwood
He was told, he had never truly been in love.
Jiyong found it strange, since this was about himself, but he also couldn't help thinking that there must be some grain of truth in the wise words of his friends. People whom he called friends but were actually more than that-- the ones who lived, laughed and loved together with him since his younger, not-as-famous days.
Every time he had that heady rush of falling, of looking at a person and thinking that the other was the most perfect thing ever, he thought he must have surely fallen in love, and deeply too. But time and again it seemed like the feelings ebb and fade, what was once charming and amusing became forced and tiresome. There were times whereby he looked at the other person and realised that it wasn't enough, the feelings that lingered in the space between them. And then there were times whereby he knew he wasn't being honest, that he couldn't keep up the act the longer the relationship dragged out. One day the other would wake up and realise that the one and only G-Dragon was just a boy, a frightened one at that too, someone who couldn't commit for fear of watching affection fade from his other half's eyes.
He had told Youngbae about this fear of his and the other had only replied, in the calm and confident manner he always did, that half of the fear happened because he wasn't really in love, not really.
And each time it happened, Jiyong listened and wondered to himself if there would be any way for him to find out one day, what being in love truly felt like.
---
When Jiyong met Seunghyun, the other had already cultivated a reputation in their neighbourhood as a foul-tempered hooligan who skipped school and listened to inappropriate music all the time. Although Jiyong was a fan of hip-hop and considered himself a rapper, he was working hard at YG as a trainee (cleaning studios actually, but the title still counted) and he wanted to steer clear of all negative influences for fear of losing his place in the company.
However, a chance encounter with Seunghyun that was both awe-inspiring and downright terrifying had gotten the two of them acquainted, and that was also when he started learning more about the older boy. Some of those things he learnt actually contradicted totally against the rumours circulating the neighbourhood.
Yes, Seunghyun skipped school all the time and didn't give a shit about flunking examinations. He also slept in classes for those days he bothered to turn up for school, according to reliable feedback from someone Jiyong knew. But Seunghyun wasn't really foul-tempered or violent, despite how provocative some of the stuff he listened to was. He was actually one of the most chill person Jiyong had met outside of YG, and it amazed him constantly to see Seunghyun shrugging off comments and criticisms like how a duck would shake water off its back. The words didn't get to him, and neither did the accompanying gestures or facial expressions. He didn't care about the way people looked at him, but likewise, he never judged people for who they were and what they chose to do.
In short, Seunghyun was cooler than some of the people Jiyong knew (idols did not count) and that was saying quite a lot considering the crowd he was hanging out with then.
There were times whereby Seunghyun was strange, or funny, or annoying to the core, but it didn't lessen any of the other's charm, and all those little quirks only managed to make Jiyong even more fascinated with this boy who rapped with his heart and soul on his sleeve.
He would get this strange little fluttery feeling in his chest sometimes, when he gazed upon Seunghyun and wondered what was going through the other's head. He couldn't explain what it was; although he thought he recognised this feeling sometimes, he couldn't put a name to it.
Jiyong didn't have time to ponder too deeply about the feeling trapped in his chest then, busy with school and practice, and then with making music. He never told Seunghyun this but actually, aside from his other mentors at YG, the other had played a big part during those formative years of his life.
He suspected that without Choi Seunghyun, there might not be enough of Kwon Jiyong left now that G-Dragon had become more than just a persona. And sometimes, he wondered too, to himself, where had the Kwon Jiyong he knew gone.
"Hyung," Jiyong adjusted his cap, then adjusted it again, keeping his gaze on everything but Seunghyun's face. "I'm moving away in two weeks time, my parents decided that we should be staying at somewhere closer to the company until I'm old enough to stay at the dorms."
"Oh," there was a moment of silence and Jiyong chanced a glance at Seunghyun, noting the blank look on the other's face. The older boy met his gaze, then shrugged with an easy smile. "Okay. You'll be changing schools too, then?"
He couldn't help grinning in return, that was how infectious Seunghyun's moods were to him. "Yeah, changing to somewhere closer to the new neighbourhood."
Seunghyun was nodding, then reaching over to clap Jiyong on his shoulder. "Gonna miss hanging out with you."
Jiyong thought he must have hallucinated the sharp stab of pain he felt in his chest at those words, but he continued smiling at the other, shaking his head at the same time. "We'll meet again yeah? I mean, not like now, which is everyday, but whenever we are free?"
"Yeah," Seunghyun had agreed but Jiyong could already read the the look on his face, the one that said he knew exactly how often they would be communicating once Jiyong moved away. "Come on, I've just bought a new CD, let's go check it out."
"Okay, yeah."
When he first told Seunghyun that he was training at YG, the other had been at once impressed and envious. He didn't ask Jiyong how he managed to get into YG or what he was being trained in and he never once expressed interest in joining the company either. It was actually during these times that he wished Seunghyun would care more about such things instead of behaving as if wanting to become rich and famous was beneath him. It was almost insulting considering how hard Jiyong and Youngbae were working at YG, but he couldn't fault Seunghyun, not when he already knew that this was simply the other's nature and he wasn't really unconcerned. He was, very much so, like he had admitted to Jiyong once when his guard was down and he was feeling whimsical. But Seunghyun was someone who chose not to show his emotions and Jiyong understood the need to guard one's heart.
Jiyong followed the other boy home, feeling like this was the beginning of a series of goodbyes and wishing suddenly, that he hadn't agreed to his parents' suggestion to move. But the move would be better for him, and it would contribute to his childhood dream of becoming a rapper... so he couldn't give up on it now.
No matter what happened from here onwards… maybe they would lose contact and never speak to each other again. Maybe they would both become famous and meet on the stage one day. The future was full of infinite possibilities and he believed in Seunghyun, just like how he believed in himself.
We'll get there one day, hyung, you and I.