cal·i·brate, III.
notes:
One more part to go before this ends. There was supposed to be an interlude-- Seungri was blabbering and then he clammed up so I have no choice but to shelve him for now. *wrings hands*
I've said this before but I'll say it again a thousand times-- thank you guys so much for your feedback. :)
III.
Seunghyun had been missing more and more often recently.
It probably started when he began filming Iris, and they weren't that bothered then because the oldest of their group had been someone who was pretty much living by his own pace in life. He would disappear sometimes, to places which none of them knew and return looking less harried than before. Although Jiyong encouraged that, because he knew that Seunghyun was a person who needed his own space so he had to be able to escape from the bustle of their lives somehow, he also didn't like it when it happened. The other would go off the radar totally and nothing short of probably world war three would dig him out from whichever hole Seunghyun's self-imposed exile brought him to.
He thought, he used to be able to tolerate it better too -which was a lie, Youngbae later informed him- but what happened whenever the Seunghyun-less periods occurred would be more like Jiyong passing his days in a daze, getting more and more antsy or crazy around the people who were forced to suffer his presence. Kush had called him out on it a few times, Teddy too, and now Choice as well, though the latest addition to their pool of producers was more amused by his antics than anything else. He guessed Choice's background said quite a fair bit about his opinion regarding the timers, and he was the only person Jiyong knew who walked around without covering his wrist, unashamed to show the world his secrets.
Currently, Seunghyun was on the set shooting Into the Fire, but he didn't talk to any of the other members when he was back at the dorm either. He was exhausted all the time and it almost looked like he had all his vitality sucked out of him by the film, leaving a husk of himself behind to continue with the BIGBANG activities. Jiyong had worried, at first quietly from the side like the good leader he was, and then vocally by nagging at Seunghyun to eat when the other looked like he was too tired to even feed himself. That had thrown warning bells in Jiyong's head; he knew that no matter how tired and unhappy Seunghyun got, food was always his first priority. If he had reached the point whereby he couldn't even muster enough energy to eat, he must have been running on empty for days.
He heard the slam of their front door and no greetings, which would mean Seunghyun was back. Still listening patiently, Jiyong heard the door to Seunghyun's room open and close, indicating that the other was prepared to not be out of his room for the rest of the night, not even for dinner. He counted to ten before getting up from his bed, slipping down the hallway to knock on Seunghyun's door.
"Seunghyun-hyung?"
There was nothing but silence, and Jiyong fiddled with the leather bracelet on his wrist nervously. "Seunghyun-hyung, can I come in?"
A pause, and right when Jiyong was ready to give up, he heard a soft affirmative.
Jiyong nearly threw open Seunghyun's door in his haste to get to the other, closing the door behind himself carefully such that he wouldn't alert the others in the dorm. He saw Seunghyun lying on his bed with the back of a forearm flung over his eyes, his other hand resting beside him on the comforter curled in a loose fist. He had gotten darker again and there were faint scars dotting his hands, surely gained from all the stunts he had to pull during filming. Jiyong ached, when he saw Seunghyun's battered form looking forlorn and lost on his own bed.
He walked over to the empty side of the bed and did something he hadn't done since they debuted and were still starry-eyed with hope and innocence. Keeping the pressure light, he crawled onto Seunghyun's bed and curled into his side like how he used to all the time, reaching over to pick up Seunghyun's hand and lacing their fingers together.
"Hey," he murmured softly against Seunghyun's shoulder, and sank even deeper into the bed when the other man turned and curled around him in reply, reaching down to press Jiyong's head against his chest. "How're you feeling?"
"Like I've been shredded, put back together, and then shredded again a thousand times."
"Ouch." He squeezed Seunghyun's hand, and got a reassuring squeeze from the other in reply. "When are you going onto the set again?"
"Tomorrow," Seunghyun mumbled, and Jiyong could feel the other's body starting to relax against his, slipping into old habits as easy as breathing. "How's your album coming along?"
Jiyong smiled, feeling glad that Seunghyun still had thoughts for him even though he was totally exhausted and barely in control of his own facilities. He might be the leader of BIGBANG and soon to be solo artist G-Dragon, but next to Seunghyun he always felt like he was fourteen again and he enjoyed the protection the older man offered so freely, unable to resist. Their age had never been a topic of contention in the group, even though Seunghyun was one year older than him. While he might be the leader and all members of BIGBANG deferred to him, even Seunghyun, when it was just him and the other, he could be Jiyong and not anybody else. In a way, Seunghyun was his reprieve from the pressure cooker lifestyle he lead as G-Dragon. He always had so many things to take care of and to consider, as well as expectations to meet while being the leader of their group, it was strangely therapeutic to be just plain old Jiyong when there was nobody but Seunghyun around.
"It's going great, but it won't be done for a while yet," Jiyong looked up, a surge of warmth rising in his chest when he noticed Seunghyun's look of soft concern. "Choice is awesome to work with. His beats are real sick."
Seunghyun chuckled, reaching down to ruffle his hair affectionately. "He sounds great, I would love to work with him sometime too."
"Will you come listen to it at the studio when it's ready?" Jiyong looked up again, but Seunghyun had already closed his eyes. He shook his head and went back to curling up into Seunghyun's space and warmth, feeling his twenty-one years all too acutely at that moment.
"Yeah," the sleepy mumble from above had Jiyong grinning again, and he tucked his head closer to Seunghyun's chest to hide his smile. "Yeah sure."
---
"Have you spoken to him yet?" Daesung looked up from his glass of beer, and caught the grimace on Seunghyun's face before he managed to school it back into perfect neutrality. "Teddy-hyung said he hasn't been going into the studio for the past few weeks. He hasn't been at the dorm either, and Youngbae-hyung said he isn't picking up any of their calls."
"No," Seunghyun murmured, swirling the liquid in his wine glass. He didn't take a sip, staring instead at the deep red colour of his drink thoughtfully. "The last time I managed to talk to him alone was at his birthday party, and even then I had to pry him away from the rest of Nuthang."
Daesung sighed and brushed his fringe aside, feeling somewhat annoyed on Jiyong's behalf for the apathetic attitude Seunghyun was displaying. It was no wonder that Jiyong was left guessing more often than not for the past couple of years, as Seunghyun's eccentric side seemed to slide closer and closer to the surface, squeezing the Seunghyun they all knew out. It had probably been the filming affecting him, but he never spoke of it and for the last few months it started to feel like he was living on a different planet sometimes. And yet, despite all that, Seunghyun and Jiyong had gotten impossibly closer, at times behaving like they were sharing a secret, one they should be telling the rest of BIGBANG about except that they weren't. There were no secrets, according to Jiyong's adamant claims, and that had been prior to the entire ruckus about Heartbreaker.
Daesung himself had been out of the loop since the accident in August, and his long stay at the hospital meant that he had no idea what was going on with the group unless someone deigned to update him. They were all overly concerned about him, in his opinion, and he was surprised by the number of visits he received from Hyunsuk while he was confined at the hospital. He thought Hyunsuk would have been focusing all his energies on Jiyong, especially with the way the other man was being put through the meat grinder for just a couple of songs.
But October came and left, Jiyong's case was blown entirely out of proportion in his opinion, and now they were pending trial in the states but Jiyong had withdrawn into himself for the last few weeks and nobody seemed to be able to reach him, not even Youngbae. He called Seunghyun out for drinks not just because he wanted to, but also because he knew that at this point of time, aside from Jiyong's family, there was really only one other person who could reach out to him and pull him out of his loop of misery.
Seunghyun seemed reluctant to do anything though, and Daesung was starting to realise that he had a limit to the amount of patience he was willing to give the older man. He was in a bad headspace, all of them knew that, but he was taking a break from filming at the moment and Daesung thought that Seunghyun would think of spending some effort on Jiyong and his troubles considering how much the younger man did for him when he first started filming the movie. Jiyong went so far as to tell everyone to leave Seunghyun alone, and got irrationally mad whenever someone did something to piss off the moody man.
"Why don't you talk to him about it? I'm sure he can do with a talk or two now." Daesung suggested, keeping his gaze steady on Seunghyun's face.
"I..." Seunghyun began, then hesitated, "I'm not sure if I can be of any help to him now."
"How would you know without trying?"
Daesung thought he saw a flash of pain surface on Seunghyun's face, but the older man had looked away, taking a long drink from his glass. "Seungri said Jiyong's timer is counting down soon, what he needs now isn't me but his other half."
Daesung almost slammed his glass back down on the table, incensed. "Have you asked him about that? Or are you making decisions for him now, too?"
When he thought about it later, he realised that he had reacted somewhat inappropriately towards a senior, and it was Seunghyun too, which meant he would have definitely been punished if things were normal. But they weren't, and the older man remained quiet after Daesung was done berating him, so he couldn't really say he regretted his choice of words either.
Youngbae told him Seunghyun didn't return to the dorm that night, and some sneaky checking with his manager revealed that he wasn't at his own place either, which meant he had to be at Jiyong's place. Or at least, he had hoped that the other would be at Jiyong's place and not off hiding somewhere again like he feared.
Two broken halves wouldn't make a whole, but he also knew that the fact alone would never stop either from pursuing what they wanted. Unlike he, who chose to accept the fact of life and its inevitability, Seunghyun and Jiyong were survivors. They had always been fighters and he was sure that together, they would overcome whatever life threw their way.
---
Jiyong shook his cigarette pack and realised rather belatedly that it was already empty. That had been his second packet for the day, he really should have stopped at the first but his hands were still shaking and now he wasn't sure if that was caused by the cigarettes, the numerous cups of coffee he had drunk or his uncontainable rage at everything and everyone else in the world right now. He hadn't thought much of it, when the accusations of plagiarism were first voiced, and he was sure he would have continued to do so. However, things kind of started spiralling downhill after the meeting with Hyunsuk in his office. His mentor, the man he looked up to constantly on this road of struggles and pitfalls, he had called Jiyong names and reprimanded him to his face for the shame he brought to the company.
Those, he was used to and able to tolerate. He knew the intention behind the other man's words and he knew what they were meant to do, but that didn't mean they hurt any less. Or the fact that Hyunsuk had said he would be the downfall of BIGBANG if things were to continue the way they did. That had been a low blow in his opinion, because Hyunsuk had known as well as he did how much BIGBANG meant to him, and to say that he would be the single downfall of their group, he couldn't accept it.
If things had stopped there, he was sure he would have recovered after a few drinking sessions with the Nuthang guys, but he had to go and read the forums and online feedback about the scandal. Some form of morbid curiosity, he later thought, or perhaps he was looking for affirmation in the face of such obstacles, but the cruel words of the netizens and those so-called BIGBANG VIPs who claimed that he had been the devil all along, they had hurt deeper than any kind of public accusation.
He had been hiding at his apartment in the city, wanting to be away from the others and their looks of pity. He didn't need their sympathy and he most certainly didn't want their pity damnit. He was G-Dragon, and something like false accusations of plagiarism wouldn't be enough to bring him down. He would survive this like how he survived everything else, only that... he needed some time to himself for a while.
His doorbell rang and Jiyong startled for a moment, unsure of who would know to look for him there. He had turned off his mobile phone earlier that day, after the fifty-sixth missed call from an assortment of people, and ignored the growing list of unread messages waiting in his inbox. On any other day, in any other situation and condition, he would have taken the bad publicity and ran with it, but he felt strangely fragile today, and he didn't want to deal with anymore words of kindness, be they sincere or false.
His doorbell rang again and Jiyong peered at the door suspiciously. A few people knew about this place, but fewer had been inside it. In fact, out of that very short list, most of them knew better than to bother him when he was feeling as low as he did currently. Well, most of them, with one exception.
When Jiyong opened the door to his apartment, looking totally unlike his usual self in his rattiest pyjamas with a three day old beard growing on his chin, he was kind of expecting Seunghyun to be standing outside, meticulously dressed and probably holding a bottle of wine.
What he didn't expect, was for Seunghyun to be carrying enough groceries to feed him for a week. Or the suspicious lack of alcohol. The older man looked somber, and he gestured at the insides of Jiyong's apartment after the two of them stood staring at each other in silence for a duration that was starting to border on uncomfortable, Seunghyun with one eyebrow lifted and Jiyong in semi-shock. Semi, because while he really hadn't been expecting to see Seunghyun, a part of him had also hoped almost desperately that the other would come and rescue him from himself.
"Can I come in before we start trying to communicate in silence again?" Seunghyun broke into a smile. "Though I'm quite sure that is my forte, you seem to have picked it up recently too. And I don't quite like the idea of standing outside your door all night, it's already pretty late and the neighbours might talk."
He let Seunghyun into his place, tripping into his life again after the other had been missing for the past two weeks or so; off filming, getting dirty, injured, and coming home with bruises all over. It wasn't the first time, but Jiyong already missed Seunghyun so badly the first time round that he practically ached, physically, at the sight of the other man when he returned. If it had been difficult to control previously, he found it impossible to control now, pulling Seunghyun into his apartment and pressing close, so close that he fancied he could hear Seunghyun's heart beating. He could smell his unique blend of cologne and body wash, a familiar assault on his senses, and Jiyong recalled suddenly the state he was in and how much much he reeked.
"Sorry hyung! I will go take a shower now! Make yourself comfortable!"
Jiyong slammed his way into the bathroom in haste, Seunghyun's fragrance still lingering in his nostrils, and was suddenly thankful that the other had turned up to pull him together, or he would have possibly fallen apart all on his own and died in the apartment from caffeine and nicotine overdose. Seunghyun was here to help him dust off, pick up the pieces and put them back together such that he would shine once more.
He must have taken longer than he thought, Jiyong mused to himself when he finally exited the shower, shaven and clean. Seunghyun had already prepared a few simple dishes and set them out on the dining table, the room filled with the familiar smell of cooking. Jiyong felt tears swell up in his eyes and he fought them off, unwilling to break down, not yet.
"I made these following some recipes I got from your mother... They definitely won't taste the same but they should still be edible..." Seunghyun trailed off from where he was scooping rice out of the pot when he turned, and Jiyong knew that what stopped the other was the sight of his tear streaked face.
"Hey," Seunghyun put down the bowl of freshly scooped rice before Jiyong, reaching up to wipe the tear tracks away with his thumb. "You must be hungry, come on, let's eat."
Jiyong shoved rice into his mouth without looking, his vision starting to blur as tears gathered once more. "I promised I won't cry anymore, hyung."
Seunghyun was just looking at him, his chopsticks untouched, and Jiyong couldn't decipher the look on the other man's face, no matter how hard he tried.
"It's alright to cry sometimes."
He took a deep breath and waited until the burning sensation at the back of his eyes went away before starting to pick up the items he liked from the spread before him. "Yeah, but G-Dragon doesn't cry, ever. How can I be strong for my other half if something as simple as this can reduce me to tears?"
"These are the times whereby you need your other half to be strong for you," Seunghyun smiled, reaching over to tousle his already messy hair. "It works both way."
It turned out later that Seunghyun did have a bottle of wine stashed away somewhere, and that somewhere happened to also be in Jiyong's apartment. They were winding down after the surprisingly good meal and perhaps the wine gave him all the courage he needed to ask Seunghyun the question he wasn't sure he could.
"Hyung," Jiyong was staring intensely at his wine glass, and he could hear Seunghyun snorting at him from where he had settled on the couch, feet propped comfortably on the coffee table. "The trial is next month... I need to fly over to the states for my hearing."
He paused, unsure of how he could continue without sounding awkward.
"Will you come with me?" Jiyong blurted out, wanting to see Seunghyun's reaction but fearing at the same time what he would see in the other's eyes. There wasn't anyone he wanted there with him but Seunghyun; not Hyunsuk, not Teddy, not even Choice, who had given him the most encouragement and support so far. "You don't have to accompany me to the hearing, even-"
"Yeah why not?" Seunghyun's reply had Jiyong stopping short of inventing some excuse to leave his own apartment, in an attempt to do anything but continue the suddenly awkward topic. "I think I deserve a holiday, anyway. We will be tying up the filming by then, it should be easier to take my leave from the set."
Jiyong exhaled, feeling several muscles he didn't know were tense loosening all at once. Immediately, the feeling of fatigue took over him, and he wondered absentmindedly if it was the wine, or if the caffeine in his system had finally ran its course.
"Thank you, Hyunnie." Jiyong whispered, still clutching onto his half-full glass, his right thumb pressed against his timer hard. So hard, that he imagined he could erase those numbers, and make the person whom he didn't want to become disappear together with them.
tbc.
One more part to go before this ends. There was supposed to be an interlude-- Seungri was blabbering and then he clammed up so I have no choice but to shelve him for now. *wrings hands*
I've said this before but I'll say it again a thousand times-- thank you guys so much for your feedback. :)
III.
Seunghyun had been missing more and more often recently.
It probably started when he began filming Iris, and they weren't that bothered then because the oldest of their group had been someone who was pretty much living by his own pace in life. He would disappear sometimes, to places which none of them knew and return looking less harried than before. Although Jiyong encouraged that, because he knew that Seunghyun was a person who needed his own space so he had to be able to escape from the bustle of their lives somehow, he also didn't like it when it happened. The other would go off the radar totally and nothing short of probably world war three would dig him out from whichever hole Seunghyun's self-imposed exile brought him to.
He thought, he used to be able to tolerate it better too -which was a lie, Youngbae later informed him- but what happened whenever the Seunghyun-less periods occurred would be more like Jiyong passing his days in a daze, getting more and more antsy or crazy around the people who were forced to suffer his presence. Kush had called him out on it a few times, Teddy too, and now Choice as well, though the latest addition to their pool of producers was more amused by his antics than anything else. He guessed Choice's background said quite a fair bit about his opinion regarding the timers, and he was the only person Jiyong knew who walked around without covering his wrist, unashamed to show the world his secrets.
Currently, Seunghyun was on the set shooting Into the Fire, but he didn't talk to any of the other members when he was back at the dorm either. He was exhausted all the time and it almost looked like he had all his vitality sucked out of him by the film, leaving a husk of himself behind to continue with the BIGBANG activities. Jiyong had worried, at first quietly from the side like the good leader he was, and then vocally by nagging at Seunghyun to eat when the other looked like he was too tired to even feed himself. That had thrown warning bells in Jiyong's head; he knew that no matter how tired and unhappy Seunghyun got, food was always his first priority. If he had reached the point whereby he couldn't even muster enough energy to eat, he must have been running on empty for days.
He heard the slam of their front door and no greetings, which would mean Seunghyun was back. Still listening patiently, Jiyong heard the door to Seunghyun's room open and close, indicating that the other was prepared to not be out of his room for the rest of the night, not even for dinner. He counted to ten before getting up from his bed, slipping down the hallway to knock on Seunghyun's door.
"Seunghyun-hyung?"
There was nothing but silence, and Jiyong fiddled with the leather bracelet on his wrist nervously. "Seunghyun-hyung, can I come in?"
A pause, and right when Jiyong was ready to give up, he heard a soft affirmative.
Jiyong nearly threw open Seunghyun's door in his haste to get to the other, closing the door behind himself carefully such that he wouldn't alert the others in the dorm. He saw Seunghyun lying on his bed with the back of a forearm flung over his eyes, his other hand resting beside him on the comforter curled in a loose fist. He had gotten darker again and there were faint scars dotting his hands, surely gained from all the stunts he had to pull during filming. Jiyong ached, when he saw Seunghyun's battered form looking forlorn and lost on his own bed.
He walked over to the empty side of the bed and did something he hadn't done since they debuted and were still starry-eyed with hope and innocence. Keeping the pressure light, he crawled onto Seunghyun's bed and curled into his side like how he used to all the time, reaching over to pick up Seunghyun's hand and lacing their fingers together.
"Hey," he murmured softly against Seunghyun's shoulder, and sank even deeper into the bed when the other man turned and curled around him in reply, reaching down to press Jiyong's head against his chest. "How're you feeling?"
"Like I've been shredded, put back together, and then shredded again a thousand times."
"Ouch." He squeezed Seunghyun's hand, and got a reassuring squeeze from the other in reply. "When are you going onto the set again?"
"Tomorrow," Seunghyun mumbled, and Jiyong could feel the other's body starting to relax against his, slipping into old habits as easy as breathing. "How's your album coming along?"
Jiyong smiled, feeling glad that Seunghyun still had thoughts for him even though he was totally exhausted and barely in control of his own facilities. He might be the leader of BIGBANG and soon to be solo artist G-Dragon, but next to Seunghyun he always felt like he was fourteen again and he enjoyed the protection the older man offered so freely, unable to resist. Their age had never been a topic of contention in the group, even though Seunghyun was one year older than him. While he might be the leader and all members of BIGBANG deferred to him, even Seunghyun, when it was just him and the other, he could be Jiyong and not anybody else. In a way, Seunghyun was his reprieve from the pressure cooker lifestyle he lead as G-Dragon. He always had so many things to take care of and to consider, as well as expectations to meet while being the leader of their group, it was strangely therapeutic to be just plain old Jiyong when there was nobody but Seunghyun around.
"It's going great, but it won't be done for a while yet," Jiyong looked up, a surge of warmth rising in his chest when he noticed Seunghyun's look of soft concern. "Choice is awesome to work with. His beats are real sick."
Seunghyun chuckled, reaching down to ruffle his hair affectionately. "He sounds great, I would love to work with him sometime too."
"Will you come listen to it at the studio when it's ready?" Jiyong looked up again, but Seunghyun had already closed his eyes. He shook his head and went back to curling up into Seunghyun's space and warmth, feeling his twenty-one years all too acutely at that moment.
"Yeah," the sleepy mumble from above had Jiyong grinning again, and he tucked his head closer to Seunghyun's chest to hide his smile. "Yeah sure."
---
"Have you spoken to him yet?" Daesung looked up from his glass of beer, and caught the grimace on Seunghyun's face before he managed to school it back into perfect neutrality. "Teddy-hyung said he hasn't been going into the studio for the past few weeks. He hasn't been at the dorm either, and Youngbae-hyung said he isn't picking up any of their calls."
"No," Seunghyun murmured, swirling the liquid in his wine glass. He didn't take a sip, staring instead at the deep red colour of his drink thoughtfully. "The last time I managed to talk to him alone was at his birthday party, and even then I had to pry him away from the rest of Nuthang."
Daesung sighed and brushed his fringe aside, feeling somewhat annoyed on Jiyong's behalf for the apathetic attitude Seunghyun was displaying. It was no wonder that Jiyong was left guessing more often than not for the past couple of years, as Seunghyun's eccentric side seemed to slide closer and closer to the surface, squeezing the Seunghyun they all knew out. It had probably been the filming affecting him, but he never spoke of it and for the last few months it started to feel like he was living on a different planet sometimes. And yet, despite all that, Seunghyun and Jiyong had gotten impossibly closer, at times behaving like they were sharing a secret, one they should be telling the rest of BIGBANG about except that they weren't. There were no secrets, according to Jiyong's adamant claims, and that had been prior to the entire ruckus about Heartbreaker.
Daesung himself had been out of the loop since the accident in August, and his long stay at the hospital meant that he had no idea what was going on with the group unless someone deigned to update him. They were all overly concerned about him, in his opinion, and he was surprised by the number of visits he received from Hyunsuk while he was confined at the hospital. He thought Hyunsuk would have been focusing all his energies on Jiyong, especially with the way the other man was being put through the meat grinder for just a couple of songs.
But October came and left, Jiyong's case was blown entirely out of proportion in his opinion, and now they were pending trial in the states but Jiyong had withdrawn into himself for the last few weeks and nobody seemed to be able to reach him, not even Youngbae. He called Seunghyun out for drinks not just because he wanted to, but also because he knew that at this point of time, aside from Jiyong's family, there was really only one other person who could reach out to him and pull him out of his loop of misery.
Seunghyun seemed reluctant to do anything though, and Daesung was starting to realise that he had a limit to the amount of patience he was willing to give the older man. He was in a bad headspace, all of them knew that, but he was taking a break from filming at the moment and Daesung thought that Seunghyun would think of spending some effort on Jiyong and his troubles considering how much the younger man did for him when he first started filming the movie. Jiyong went so far as to tell everyone to leave Seunghyun alone, and got irrationally mad whenever someone did something to piss off the moody man.
"Why don't you talk to him about it? I'm sure he can do with a talk or two now." Daesung suggested, keeping his gaze steady on Seunghyun's face.
"I..." Seunghyun began, then hesitated, "I'm not sure if I can be of any help to him now."
"How would you know without trying?"
Daesung thought he saw a flash of pain surface on Seunghyun's face, but the older man had looked away, taking a long drink from his glass. "Seungri said Jiyong's timer is counting down soon, what he needs now isn't me but his other half."
Daesung almost slammed his glass back down on the table, incensed. "Have you asked him about that? Or are you making decisions for him now, too?"
When he thought about it later, he realised that he had reacted somewhat inappropriately towards a senior, and it was Seunghyun too, which meant he would have definitely been punished if things were normal. But they weren't, and the older man remained quiet after Daesung was done berating him, so he couldn't really say he regretted his choice of words either.
Youngbae told him Seunghyun didn't return to the dorm that night, and some sneaky checking with his manager revealed that he wasn't at his own place either, which meant he had to be at Jiyong's place. Or at least, he had hoped that the other would be at Jiyong's place and not off hiding somewhere again like he feared.
Two broken halves wouldn't make a whole, but he also knew that the fact alone would never stop either from pursuing what they wanted. Unlike he, who chose to accept the fact of life and its inevitability, Seunghyun and Jiyong were survivors. They had always been fighters and he was sure that together, they would overcome whatever life threw their way.
---
Jiyong shook his cigarette pack and realised rather belatedly that it was already empty. That had been his second packet for the day, he really should have stopped at the first but his hands were still shaking and now he wasn't sure if that was caused by the cigarettes, the numerous cups of coffee he had drunk or his uncontainable rage at everything and everyone else in the world right now. He hadn't thought much of it, when the accusations of plagiarism were first voiced, and he was sure he would have continued to do so. However, things kind of started spiralling downhill after the meeting with Hyunsuk in his office. His mentor, the man he looked up to constantly on this road of struggles and pitfalls, he had called Jiyong names and reprimanded him to his face for the shame he brought to the company.
Those, he was used to and able to tolerate. He knew the intention behind the other man's words and he knew what they were meant to do, but that didn't mean they hurt any less. Or the fact that Hyunsuk had said he would be the downfall of BIGBANG if things were to continue the way they did. That had been a low blow in his opinion, because Hyunsuk had known as well as he did how much BIGBANG meant to him, and to say that he would be the single downfall of their group, he couldn't accept it.
If things had stopped there, he was sure he would have recovered after a few drinking sessions with the Nuthang guys, but he had to go and read the forums and online feedback about the scandal. Some form of morbid curiosity, he later thought, or perhaps he was looking for affirmation in the face of such obstacles, but the cruel words of the netizens and those so-called BIGBANG VIPs who claimed that he had been the devil all along, they had hurt deeper than any kind of public accusation.
He had been hiding at his apartment in the city, wanting to be away from the others and their looks of pity. He didn't need their sympathy and he most certainly didn't want their pity damnit. He was G-Dragon, and something like false accusations of plagiarism wouldn't be enough to bring him down. He would survive this like how he survived everything else, only that... he needed some time to himself for a while.
His doorbell rang and Jiyong startled for a moment, unsure of who would know to look for him there. He had turned off his mobile phone earlier that day, after the fifty-sixth missed call from an assortment of people, and ignored the growing list of unread messages waiting in his inbox. On any other day, in any other situation and condition, he would have taken the bad publicity and ran with it, but he felt strangely fragile today, and he didn't want to deal with anymore words of kindness, be they sincere or false.
His doorbell rang again and Jiyong peered at the door suspiciously. A few people knew about this place, but fewer had been inside it. In fact, out of that very short list, most of them knew better than to bother him when he was feeling as low as he did currently. Well, most of them, with one exception.
When Jiyong opened the door to his apartment, looking totally unlike his usual self in his rattiest pyjamas with a three day old beard growing on his chin, he was kind of expecting Seunghyun to be standing outside, meticulously dressed and probably holding a bottle of wine.
What he didn't expect, was for Seunghyun to be carrying enough groceries to feed him for a week. Or the suspicious lack of alcohol. The older man looked somber, and he gestured at the insides of Jiyong's apartment after the two of them stood staring at each other in silence for a duration that was starting to border on uncomfortable, Seunghyun with one eyebrow lifted and Jiyong in semi-shock. Semi, because while he really hadn't been expecting to see Seunghyun, a part of him had also hoped almost desperately that the other would come and rescue him from himself.
"Can I come in before we start trying to communicate in silence again?" Seunghyun broke into a smile. "Though I'm quite sure that is my forte, you seem to have picked it up recently too. And I don't quite like the idea of standing outside your door all night, it's already pretty late and the neighbours might talk."
He let Seunghyun into his place, tripping into his life again after the other had been missing for the past two weeks or so; off filming, getting dirty, injured, and coming home with bruises all over. It wasn't the first time, but Jiyong already missed Seunghyun so badly the first time round that he practically ached, physically, at the sight of the other man when he returned. If it had been difficult to control previously, he found it impossible to control now, pulling Seunghyun into his apartment and pressing close, so close that he fancied he could hear Seunghyun's heart beating. He could smell his unique blend of cologne and body wash, a familiar assault on his senses, and Jiyong recalled suddenly the state he was in and how much much he reeked.
"Sorry hyung! I will go take a shower now! Make yourself comfortable!"
Jiyong slammed his way into the bathroom in haste, Seunghyun's fragrance still lingering in his nostrils, and was suddenly thankful that the other had turned up to pull him together, or he would have possibly fallen apart all on his own and died in the apartment from caffeine and nicotine overdose. Seunghyun was here to help him dust off, pick up the pieces and put them back together such that he would shine once more.
He must have taken longer than he thought, Jiyong mused to himself when he finally exited the shower, shaven and clean. Seunghyun had already prepared a few simple dishes and set them out on the dining table, the room filled with the familiar smell of cooking. Jiyong felt tears swell up in his eyes and he fought them off, unwilling to break down, not yet.
"I made these following some recipes I got from your mother... They definitely won't taste the same but they should still be edible..." Seunghyun trailed off from where he was scooping rice out of the pot when he turned, and Jiyong knew that what stopped the other was the sight of his tear streaked face.
"Hey," Seunghyun put down the bowl of freshly scooped rice before Jiyong, reaching up to wipe the tear tracks away with his thumb. "You must be hungry, come on, let's eat."
Jiyong shoved rice into his mouth without looking, his vision starting to blur as tears gathered once more. "I promised I won't cry anymore, hyung."
Seunghyun was just looking at him, his chopsticks untouched, and Jiyong couldn't decipher the look on the other man's face, no matter how hard he tried.
"It's alright to cry sometimes."
He took a deep breath and waited until the burning sensation at the back of his eyes went away before starting to pick up the items he liked from the spread before him. "Yeah, but G-Dragon doesn't cry, ever. How can I be strong for my other half if something as simple as this can reduce me to tears?"
"These are the times whereby you need your other half to be strong for you," Seunghyun smiled, reaching over to tousle his already messy hair. "It works both way."
It turned out later that Seunghyun did have a bottle of wine stashed away somewhere, and that somewhere happened to also be in Jiyong's apartment. They were winding down after the surprisingly good meal and perhaps the wine gave him all the courage he needed to ask Seunghyun the question he wasn't sure he could.
"Hyung," Jiyong was staring intensely at his wine glass, and he could hear Seunghyun snorting at him from where he had settled on the couch, feet propped comfortably on the coffee table. "The trial is next month... I need to fly over to the states for my hearing."
He paused, unsure of how he could continue without sounding awkward.
"Will you come with me?" Jiyong blurted out, wanting to see Seunghyun's reaction but fearing at the same time what he would see in the other's eyes. There wasn't anyone he wanted there with him but Seunghyun; not Hyunsuk, not Teddy, not even Choice, who had given him the most encouragement and support so far. "You don't have to accompany me to the hearing, even-"
"Yeah why not?" Seunghyun's reply had Jiyong stopping short of inventing some excuse to leave his own apartment, in an attempt to do anything but continue the suddenly awkward topic. "I think I deserve a holiday, anyway. We will be tying up the filming by then, it should be easier to take my leave from the set."
Jiyong exhaled, feeling several muscles he didn't know were tense loosening all at once. Immediately, the feeling of fatigue took over him, and he wondered absentmindedly if it was the wine, or if the caffeine in his system had finally ran its course.
"Thank you, Hyunnie." Jiyong whispered, still clutching onto his half-full glass, his right thumb pressed against his timer hard. So hard, that he imagined he could erase those numbers, and make the person whom he didn't want to become disappear together with them.
tbc.