cal·i·brate, II.
notes:
The usual disclaimers apply.
The good news is, I'm 75% done with this story. The bad news is, this chapter is the shortest of the lot, but it felt like a good place to stop. I started this writing exercise wanting to do a one-shot, it turned into a monster along the way, but I'm glad that I managed to beat it back into size. Somewhat.
Strange timelines start about now and gets worse from the next bit onwards. Consider yourselves warned.
And last but not the least, thank you guys for your feedback, it really means a lot to me!
II.
Seunghyun sometimes couldn't help wondering if the logic of their world had been flawed, that all those people protesting against timers and predefined ideas of soul-mates had got it right somehow. If things were really what all those scientists and philosophers made it out to be, the concept of love for humans would be one of the biggest mysteries that remained unsolved to date. How would that explain everything else if, one was destined to meet that one person in life, when that person could be located halfway round the world? If there was really someone out there for everyone, how about those people who never left their towns their entire life? Could it be just so coincidental that their other half existed in the same town?
Perhaps it wasn't so much the infallible logic of the timer but rather it had been humans' idea of love that was the driving factor. Because humans would like to believe that somewhere out there, there existed a person just for themselves and themselves only. It was such a selfish notion, but so very humane in nature.
Seunghyun guessed he was feeling exceptionally bitter and morose today, or that might just be a sign that he was falling ill, too.
Jiyong and the others had been falling sick, recovering, and falling sick again in a non-stop vicious cycle since two months back, the hectic schedules wearing on their health and nerves. The younger man was curled up on his bed now, clutching onto one of Seunghyun's soft toys and breathing noisily through his blocked nose, a faint look on distress on his face.
Seunghyun reached over and smoothed out the frown between Jiyong's eyebrows, glad for once that his semi-effective slacking as much as possible policy had helped during the last bout of sickness which caught everyone in the group almost at once. Seungri had been whining about his body hurting all over the entire week, his voice sounding even more nasal than usual. Daesung had barely recovered from his previous illness before he too, fell prey to the bug circulating among the BIGBANG members, and the younger man had croaked in despair that at this rate he would never sing or record again. Youngbae, on the other hand, had been scowling since the start of his illness, the look on his face getting darker and darker after each failed recording. And Jiyong, the person who had been on his mind for the whole week since their managers banned them from stepping out of the dorm, he had soldiered on obstinately, which was probably also the reason why he was the only one totally down for the count now while the others were starting to feel vaguely human and had gathered in their common area to play games on the TV console.
Seunghyun couldn't help reaching forward again and brushing loose strands of hair back from Jiyong's sweaty forehead, his fingers lingering longer than they ought to.
He had told the others to leave them alone, because Jiyong seemed to be somewhat contagious at the moment. Not that it excused him from staying in the room, but it was his room to begin with, and Jiyong's mother had tasked him with the role of looking after her son before she left for the night. He didn't mind it at all; she came over to cook dinner earlier so that they wouldn't be subjected to Youngbae's possibly contaminated cooking, and he was touched by how much Jiyong's mother cared for all of them as if they were her own sons.
Jiyong twitched with a soft, pained moan, and he reached out to grasp the other's hand without thinking, watching him relax back into sleep and the wheezing turn quieter. Seunghyun ran his thumb over the leather bracelet Jiyong kept strapped firmly on his left wrist, a secret thrill running through his chest, as he imagined being able to feel the numbers running down even though that was physically impossible. Not yours, the numbers would remind him, but he was fine with that for now, and he was fine with having Jiyong by his side like this, even if everything was to come to an end in time.
If he had the power to do so, he would rewrite the rules of the heart, such that he could love whoever he wanted to at whenever the feeling caught him. So that he could be free to embrace Jiyong without any social stigma. But he couldn't rewrite those rules, so he rapped out his desires instead, and risked controversy for the ideas he challenged.
It would be painful, always painful no matter what he chose to do but for Jiyong, and for Jiyong alone, he would do anything.
For this person, who held Seunghyun's heart trembling in his hands like a caught butterfly, Seunghyun would have his timer stopped a thousand times over, just so that he could stay and watch him smile.
---
If they thought it had been fun filming geojitmal last year, filming haruharu had to be the most cohesive and concise work for them to date. The storyline was scripted elegantly, the characters chosen well, and for some strange reason the story tugged at Jiyong's heart and made him careless with his words.
He was starring as the lead again this time, as a boy who found out that the girl he loved since young, no matter how forbidden it had been, was the person he was meant to be with for the rest of his life just moments before she died, leaving him heartbroken and alone by her hospital bed.
He liked that there was role for all of BIGBANG to play in the music video; he was the lead character with his unexpected emotional turmoil, Seunghyun was the best friend who wanted the girl to stay away when he first realised that she was not Jiyong's intended, and that she was going to die. The other three were friends caught between the two pillars of their group, unable to tell Jiyong the truth, unable to make him stop hating Seunghyun for what he did, everything which was done in the name of friendship and love.
It had been alarming how much connection he felt with the character he portrayed this time; Jiyong understood what it felt like to not be able to have the person he loved, and facing Seunghyun didn't make it any easier.
The unexpected thing had been how many injuries all of them picked up while filming this music video, Seunghyun's bruised nose and his injured hand were just a couple of examples. Jiyong fiddled with the bandage on his left hand, realising rather belatedly that the medical assistant at the hospital had wrapped the bandage all way the down until it covered the timer on his left wrist. He would need to change the dressing later, after his shower probably, but that would risk exposing his timer since he couldn't do it on his own. He wouldn't show it to Seunghyun, simply because, and Seungri was too curious for his own good. Youngbae wouldn't have like to do it but perhaps, if he asked, Daesung wouldn't mind it too much. He was always ready to help, and Jiyong had a feeling that he probably wasn't bothered by timers anymore now that his had already counted down.
Jiyong waited until after dinner, when Daesung was once again washing the dishes because Seungri played dirty and disappeared into his room shortly before dinner ended complaining about a headache. The younger man was soaping up the bowls and chopsticks with a cheerful hum when he stepped in close, lowering his voice such that Youngbae wouldn't be able to hear from where he was sitting at the couch channel surfing.
"Daesung… can I trouble you to help me with something later?" Jiyong kept an eye on Seunghyun's door as well, just in case.
"Yes, hyung?" Daesung turned and gave Jiyong his trademark bright smile, while his hands continued to soap up the dishes.
"It's just, uh," Jiyong reached up to fiddle with his beanie, then winced when his left hand gave a dull throb of pain in response. "I need some help changing my dressing later and my timer-"
"Sure, hyung," Daesung had smiled once more before turning back to the sink, putting down the last of the dishes and turning on the tap. "Why don't you go take your shower now? I'll help you when I'm done with the dishes?"
Jiyong couldn't help giving Daesung a fond smile in reply. "You really should have let Seungri do it on his own."
"Ahh," the answering shrug was almost like an afterthought. "Well I don't really mind."
Jiyong slipped off to the bathroom after Daesung reassured him once again that he wouldn't say a single word about the timer, he swore, and had the fastest shower he could manage with one hand. He was changed and trying unsuccessfully to dry his hair with one hand when Daesung knocked and called for permission to enter.
"Come on in!" Jiyong continued to rub at his hair vigorously, feeling thankful for small mercies that it had been his left hand. "The bandages are on the table."
Daesung picked up the medical supplies an sat down beside him on the bed, taking hold of his left hand gently and turning it palm facing up before regarding Jiyong, a questioning look on his face. "May I?"
"Yeah," Jiyong nodded, feeling shy and embarrassed about what was going to happen. He could count on one hand the number of people who had seen his timer since he was old enough to be self-conscious about it and what it meant, and Daesung was soon going to be added to the rather short list. "Thanks for agreeing to help."
"Thank you for trusting me actually," Daesung replied, still smiling, peeling the bandage way from his wrist. "I thought you might have asked… well, someone else."
Jiyong laughed, but swallowed it with a small hiccup when the last of the bandage came off and his timer was revealed. Although he couldn't claim that he subscribed to the school of thought which said looking at another's timer was an act of intimacy, it was still embarrassing to show someone else a portion of himself so well protected and hidden from the rest of the world.
Daesung looked rather surprised when he saw the numbers on display, but seemed to shrug it off before starting to re-apply the anti-inflammation cream to the wound on Jiyong's hand. Jiyong watched the other nervously, resisting the urge to pull his wrist away and curl it close to his chest in reflex. The hand was wrapped in fresh dressings and returned to him with another of Daesung's trademark smiles, the younger man patting him lightly on the back of his uninjured hand, as if to give him courage.
"You looked surprised for a moment there," Jiyong mumbled, bringing his left hand to his chest, his eyes darting everywhere in an attempt to avoid Daesung's gaze. "Why?"
"Oh sorry," Daesung was apologetic, bowing and standing up almost immediately. "I wasn't… it didn't mean anything, really. I just thought you would have lesser time left, that's all."
"Why do you say so?" He finally looked up then, and saw that Daesung was smiling once more.
The other shrugged, laughing a little at himself, suddenly embarrassed. "I guess it's because you've been looking like… like you've already found the other half of your heart."
Jiyong smiled then too, feeling a sour, twisting sensation in the pit of his stomach even as he shook his head and denied Daesung's claims. "No, I'm afraid not. It'll be nice if that person can turn up soon though."
Daesung seemed to come to some kind of decision then, looking up with one of his most disarming smiles. "Oh, I guess I must have read what's between you and Seunghyun-hyung wrongly, then."
If Jiyong had been drinking then, he was sure he would have sprayed his drink and then some all over Daesung by the merit of that statement alone. However, he wasn't, so all he could do was gape at the other in shock, silently choking on the meaning behind the words the younger man just uttered so carelessly.
"There's nothing-you're mistaken, Daesung, I-Seunghyun-hyung, he's not-" Jiyong spluttered, waving his good hand in an increasingly agitated state. "We're not… Seunghyun-hyung's timer has already stopped. You know that."
"Yeah," Daesung seemed unperturbed by Jiyong's verbal incapacitation, packing away the medical supplies carefully. "I know."
He stared at the younger man, trying to figure out if that had been a joke. "Then why would you say that?"
"Because that is what I see."
This time, Jiyong thought that finding a hole to bury himself in would be rather apt.
"Anyway," Daesung pipped up, all cheer and smiles again. "There is no law in this world which says you can't be with Seunghyun-hyung if you want to."
"But my timer," he began, recalling Daesung's finished timer and suddenly feeling awkward all over again. "My timer is still counting down."
"I know," Daesung placed the packed medical supplies aside and turned to face Jiyong, reaching over to take his good hand. "I know about that, hyung. But think about this, if the person you love already exists in your life, would you give it all up, every single thing you have worked so hard for to date, just for the sake of one person whom a timer on your wrist says you should love?"
"I…" Jiyong paused, thinking about Daesung's question again. "Maybe. Maybe I will."
"It's really not worth it," Daesung replied, still smiling. "In practice, our timers sound like they will really point us towards all the happiness we can hope for in life but in reality, things often don't work out the way we want them to. That's what makes us human, hyung. You, more than anyone else, understand very well what it's like to be human, I think."
The unanticipated conversation with Daesung, combined with the events of the day's filming, resulted in Jiyong having strange dreams about his timer all night, and he couldn't deny that there was a grain of truth in Daesung's words.
The seed of hope, once planted, would only grow until one was consumed by it and nothing else, because it was so much easier to believe in things one wanted to than one had to. Daesung had planted the idea, but Jiyong was the one who kept it growing in his heart, until one day it would bloom into what he knew it could be, an unfailing hope for his heart's desire, that he would own it despite the rest of the world telling him he couldn't.
tbc.
The usual disclaimers apply.
The good news is, I'm 75% done with this story. The bad news is, this chapter is the shortest of the lot, but it felt like a good place to stop. I started this writing exercise wanting to do a one-shot, it turned into a monster along the way, but I'm glad that I managed to beat it back into size. Somewhat.
Strange timelines start about now and gets worse from the next bit onwards. Consider yourselves warned.
And last but not the least, thank you guys for your feedback, it really means a lot to me!
II.
Seunghyun sometimes couldn't help wondering if the logic of their world had been flawed, that all those people protesting against timers and predefined ideas of soul-mates had got it right somehow. If things were really what all those scientists and philosophers made it out to be, the concept of love for humans would be one of the biggest mysteries that remained unsolved to date. How would that explain everything else if, one was destined to meet that one person in life, when that person could be located halfway round the world? If there was really someone out there for everyone, how about those people who never left their towns their entire life? Could it be just so coincidental that their other half existed in the same town?
Perhaps it wasn't so much the infallible logic of the timer but rather it had been humans' idea of love that was the driving factor. Because humans would like to believe that somewhere out there, there existed a person just for themselves and themselves only. It was such a selfish notion, but so very humane in nature.
Seunghyun guessed he was feeling exceptionally bitter and morose today, or that might just be a sign that he was falling ill, too.
Jiyong and the others had been falling sick, recovering, and falling sick again in a non-stop vicious cycle since two months back, the hectic schedules wearing on their health and nerves. The younger man was curled up on his bed now, clutching onto one of Seunghyun's soft toys and breathing noisily through his blocked nose, a faint look on distress on his face.
Seunghyun reached over and smoothed out the frown between Jiyong's eyebrows, glad for once that his semi-effective slacking as much as possible policy had helped during the last bout of sickness which caught everyone in the group almost at once. Seungri had been whining about his body hurting all over the entire week, his voice sounding even more nasal than usual. Daesung had barely recovered from his previous illness before he too, fell prey to the bug circulating among the BIGBANG members, and the younger man had croaked in despair that at this rate he would never sing or record again. Youngbae, on the other hand, had been scowling since the start of his illness, the look on his face getting darker and darker after each failed recording. And Jiyong, the person who had been on his mind for the whole week since their managers banned them from stepping out of the dorm, he had soldiered on obstinately, which was probably also the reason why he was the only one totally down for the count now while the others were starting to feel vaguely human and had gathered in their common area to play games on the TV console.
Seunghyun couldn't help reaching forward again and brushing loose strands of hair back from Jiyong's sweaty forehead, his fingers lingering longer than they ought to.
He had told the others to leave them alone, because Jiyong seemed to be somewhat contagious at the moment. Not that it excused him from staying in the room, but it was his room to begin with, and Jiyong's mother had tasked him with the role of looking after her son before she left for the night. He didn't mind it at all; she came over to cook dinner earlier so that they wouldn't be subjected to Youngbae's possibly contaminated cooking, and he was touched by how much Jiyong's mother cared for all of them as if they were her own sons.
Jiyong twitched with a soft, pained moan, and he reached out to grasp the other's hand without thinking, watching him relax back into sleep and the wheezing turn quieter. Seunghyun ran his thumb over the leather bracelet Jiyong kept strapped firmly on his left wrist, a secret thrill running through his chest, as he imagined being able to feel the numbers running down even though that was physically impossible. Not yours, the numbers would remind him, but he was fine with that for now, and he was fine with having Jiyong by his side like this, even if everything was to come to an end in time.
If he had the power to do so, he would rewrite the rules of the heart, such that he could love whoever he wanted to at whenever the feeling caught him. So that he could be free to embrace Jiyong without any social stigma. But he couldn't rewrite those rules, so he rapped out his desires instead, and risked controversy for the ideas he challenged.
It would be painful, always painful no matter what he chose to do but for Jiyong, and for Jiyong alone, he would do anything.
For this person, who held Seunghyun's heart trembling in his hands like a caught butterfly, Seunghyun would have his timer stopped a thousand times over, just so that he could stay and watch him smile.
---
If they thought it had been fun filming geojitmal last year, filming haruharu had to be the most cohesive and concise work for them to date. The storyline was scripted elegantly, the characters chosen well, and for some strange reason the story tugged at Jiyong's heart and made him careless with his words.
He was starring as the lead again this time, as a boy who found out that the girl he loved since young, no matter how forbidden it had been, was the person he was meant to be with for the rest of his life just moments before she died, leaving him heartbroken and alone by her hospital bed.
He liked that there was role for all of BIGBANG to play in the music video; he was the lead character with his unexpected emotional turmoil, Seunghyun was the best friend who wanted the girl to stay away when he first realised that she was not Jiyong's intended, and that she was going to die. The other three were friends caught between the two pillars of their group, unable to tell Jiyong the truth, unable to make him stop hating Seunghyun for what he did, everything which was done in the name of friendship and love.
It had been alarming how much connection he felt with the character he portrayed this time; Jiyong understood what it felt like to not be able to have the person he loved, and facing Seunghyun didn't make it any easier.
The unexpected thing had been how many injuries all of them picked up while filming this music video, Seunghyun's bruised nose and his injured hand were just a couple of examples. Jiyong fiddled with the bandage on his left hand, realising rather belatedly that the medical assistant at the hospital had wrapped the bandage all way the down until it covered the timer on his left wrist. He would need to change the dressing later, after his shower probably, but that would risk exposing his timer since he couldn't do it on his own. He wouldn't show it to Seunghyun, simply because, and Seungri was too curious for his own good. Youngbae wouldn't have like to do it but perhaps, if he asked, Daesung wouldn't mind it too much. He was always ready to help, and Jiyong had a feeling that he probably wasn't bothered by timers anymore now that his had already counted down.
Jiyong waited until after dinner, when Daesung was once again washing the dishes because Seungri played dirty and disappeared into his room shortly before dinner ended complaining about a headache. The younger man was soaping up the bowls and chopsticks with a cheerful hum when he stepped in close, lowering his voice such that Youngbae wouldn't be able to hear from where he was sitting at the couch channel surfing.
"Daesung… can I trouble you to help me with something later?" Jiyong kept an eye on Seunghyun's door as well, just in case.
"Yes, hyung?" Daesung turned and gave Jiyong his trademark bright smile, while his hands continued to soap up the dishes.
"It's just, uh," Jiyong reached up to fiddle with his beanie, then winced when his left hand gave a dull throb of pain in response. "I need some help changing my dressing later and my timer-"
"Sure, hyung," Daesung had smiled once more before turning back to the sink, putting down the last of the dishes and turning on the tap. "Why don't you go take your shower now? I'll help you when I'm done with the dishes?"
Jiyong couldn't help giving Daesung a fond smile in reply. "You really should have let Seungri do it on his own."
"Ahh," the answering shrug was almost like an afterthought. "Well I don't really mind."
Jiyong slipped off to the bathroom after Daesung reassured him once again that he wouldn't say a single word about the timer, he swore, and had the fastest shower he could manage with one hand. He was changed and trying unsuccessfully to dry his hair with one hand when Daesung knocked and called for permission to enter.
"Come on in!" Jiyong continued to rub at his hair vigorously, feeling thankful for small mercies that it had been his left hand. "The bandages are on the table."
Daesung picked up the medical supplies an sat down beside him on the bed, taking hold of his left hand gently and turning it palm facing up before regarding Jiyong, a questioning look on his face. "May I?"
"Yeah," Jiyong nodded, feeling shy and embarrassed about what was going to happen. He could count on one hand the number of people who had seen his timer since he was old enough to be self-conscious about it and what it meant, and Daesung was soon going to be added to the rather short list. "Thanks for agreeing to help."
"Thank you for trusting me actually," Daesung replied, still smiling, peeling the bandage way from his wrist. "I thought you might have asked… well, someone else."
Jiyong laughed, but swallowed it with a small hiccup when the last of the bandage came off and his timer was revealed. Although he couldn't claim that he subscribed to the school of thought which said looking at another's timer was an act of intimacy, it was still embarrassing to show someone else a portion of himself so well protected and hidden from the rest of the world.
Daesung looked rather surprised when he saw the numbers on display, but seemed to shrug it off before starting to re-apply the anti-inflammation cream to the wound on Jiyong's hand. Jiyong watched the other nervously, resisting the urge to pull his wrist away and curl it close to his chest in reflex. The hand was wrapped in fresh dressings and returned to him with another of Daesung's trademark smiles, the younger man patting him lightly on the back of his uninjured hand, as if to give him courage.
"You looked surprised for a moment there," Jiyong mumbled, bringing his left hand to his chest, his eyes darting everywhere in an attempt to avoid Daesung's gaze. "Why?"
"Oh sorry," Daesung was apologetic, bowing and standing up almost immediately. "I wasn't… it didn't mean anything, really. I just thought you would have lesser time left, that's all."
"Why do you say so?" He finally looked up then, and saw that Daesung was smiling once more.
The other shrugged, laughing a little at himself, suddenly embarrassed. "I guess it's because you've been looking like… like you've already found the other half of your heart."
Jiyong smiled then too, feeling a sour, twisting sensation in the pit of his stomach even as he shook his head and denied Daesung's claims. "No, I'm afraid not. It'll be nice if that person can turn up soon though."
Daesung seemed to come to some kind of decision then, looking up with one of his most disarming smiles. "Oh, I guess I must have read what's between you and Seunghyun-hyung wrongly, then."
If Jiyong had been drinking then, he was sure he would have sprayed his drink and then some all over Daesung by the merit of that statement alone. However, he wasn't, so all he could do was gape at the other in shock, silently choking on the meaning behind the words the younger man just uttered so carelessly.
"There's nothing-you're mistaken, Daesung, I-Seunghyun-hyung, he's not-" Jiyong spluttered, waving his good hand in an increasingly agitated state. "We're not… Seunghyun-hyung's timer has already stopped. You know that."
"Yeah," Daesung seemed unperturbed by Jiyong's verbal incapacitation, packing away the medical supplies carefully. "I know."
He stared at the younger man, trying to figure out if that had been a joke. "Then why would you say that?"
"Because that is what I see."
This time, Jiyong thought that finding a hole to bury himself in would be rather apt.
"Anyway," Daesung pipped up, all cheer and smiles again. "There is no law in this world which says you can't be with Seunghyun-hyung if you want to."
"But my timer," he began, recalling Daesung's finished timer and suddenly feeling awkward all over again. "My timer is still counting down."
"I know," Daesung placed the packed medical supplies aside and turned to face Jiyong, reaching over to take his good hand. "I know about that, hyung. But think about this, if the person you love already exists in your life, would you give it all up, every single thing you have worked so hard for to date, just for the sake of one person whom a timer on your wrist says you should love?"
"I…" Jiyong paused, thinking about Daesung's question again. "Maybe. Maybe I will."
"It's really not worth it," Daesung replied, still smiling. "In practice, our timers sound like they will really point us towards all the happiness we can hope for in life but in reality, things often don't work out the way we want them to. That's what makes us human, hyung. You, more than anyone else, understand very well what it's like to be human, I think."
The unanticipated conversation with Daesung, combined with the events of the day's filming, resulted in Jiyong having strange dreams about his timer all night, and he couldn't deny that there was a grain of truth in Daesung's words.
The seed of hope, once planted, would only grow until one was consumed by it and nothing else, because it was so much easier to believe in things one wanted to than one had to. Daesung had planted the idea, but Jiyong was the one who kept it growing in his heart, until one day it would bloom into what he knew it could be, an unfailing hope for his heart's desire, that he would own it despite the rest of the world telling him he couldn't.
tbc.