fic: and scars are souvenirs you never lose
and scars are souvenirs you never lose
Travis/William
R 2183
reincarnation, curse words, non-explicit sex, song title from the goo goo doll’s ‘name’, written for bandomrarepair
A fic wherein William remembers and Travis can’t. AKA another reincarnation fic because I suck at writing anything else.
The thing is: sometimes William remembers and sometimes he doesn’t but this time around he remembers.
Travis sits across from him at the table. He isn’t sure if Travis remembers so he doesn’t bring it up, just continues to twirl his noodles on his fork. They’re on their first date so William takes that as a definite no. It’s a shame because William remembers amazing things from their past lives together: wars, sex, drugs, women, rock and roll, boys, each other, sex.
“So,” William says in way of conversation, “ever broken into a bank?”
It had been sometime in the fifties and they had wanted to be Bonnie and Clyde (William was Bonnie because at that time he had been a fucking girl, god damn it) but the heist hadn’t turned out the way they had wanted it to. Travis had slipped on a wet spot on the floor and had shot himself in the dick and died. William first had died of laughter and then she had died in a prison cell all alone while being a bitch to some girl named Martha.
Travis says, “No, but I’m guessing you have.”
William decides to answer that with a smile. They spend the rest of the night talking over shitty Chinese food in some backstreet restaurant in the middle of Chicago. They end the night at Travis’ flat with amazing sex.
Afterwards William wishes Travis would remember because these memories seem too much for just one person to remember.
Sometimes William thinks Travis remembers but he’s too afraid to bring it up because he’s unsure if William remembers and he really likes William and doesn’t want to scare him off. It’s the same for William because he plans to keep Travis for as long as he can while living this lifetime. He’s acutely aware of the fact that they never die together.
Travis has an odd fascination for titties but he’s really a booty man. William lacks both but Travis still likes him and that’s enough to make William not worry about his place in Travis’ heart and mind.
(William actually believes that he never has any reason to worry that Travis will stop liking him. Almost every memory he has is of them together and the ones of them not together only merge into times that they are together. The worse times are when Travis is dead and he’s alive but they’re still together, somehow.)
Every time they get reincarnated Travis gathers a new set of tattoos. They’re never really exactly the same, always somehow different. It might be the same dark-haired girl but she’s always in a new position, either with huge bosoms or a large ass. There’s one tattoo that William’s sure is the girl version of him, right along Travis’ left side. It’s always the biggest tattoo on Travis’ body and no other tattoo is allowed within an inch margin of it.
William licks along it one night with his hand on Travis’ stomach. Travis’ stomach muscles flutter when William’s hair glides across his skin. “Who is she?” William asks just because, maybe, Travis might - “I don’t know,” Travis replies. He threads his fingers through William’s hair and tugs gently. “Some girl who’s always in my dreams.”
“Do you love her?” William asks. It’s definitely him, just with small boobs and a little ass. Same bone structure, same lips, same eyes and hair but it’s a little longer than his own. He doesn’t understand why Travis doesn’t see the similarities.
Travis shrugs; he’s staring the best as he can at his tattoo. “I think I do,” he says. “But you never meet the girl of your dreams in reality.”
William feels a sudden ping of hurt, jealously maybe. Travis makes it all better by saying, “I don’t need her anyway. I got you.”
One day William says, “Do you remember that time we went skinny dipping in the lake and old Mrs Fisher saw us and almost had a heart attack?”
Travis says, “No,” with a little strain in his voice and says, “We’ve never gone skinny dipping.”
William blinks. Travis, very obviously, doesn’t remember so he says, “It must have been a dream. Wanna go skinny dipping?”
They go skinny dipping in the lake next to William’s family’s lake house. The lake house is in a secluded area and his family is off vacationing in Mexico so they can’t get caught. Oddly, it isn’t as much fun as William thought it would be. Somehow it doesn’t feel the way that it should. Travis makes it better when he takes a hold of William’s cock under the cover of dark water but it’s still not the same.
“Ever feel like you’re missing a part of yourself?” Travis asks as he sketches in his sketch book. William’s been positioned on the futon in the sun, arms at easy angles, whole body laid across the furniture. His hair is hanging in his eyes but he doesn’t sweep it away because he knows how much it will irritate Travis (once he moves Travis won’t be able to work him back into position, the sketch will be angular and awkward. Travis wants William to lie as still as he possibly can and that’s hard for William Beckett but he does it anyway because he loves Travis and he’ll do anything for Travis’ love.)
A wave of sickness sweeps over William. He has Travis but it’s not the same, not the same without Travis remembering all they’ve ever been through. He has Travis but he doesn’t have him all at the same time. He says, “All the time.”
Travis pauses. He chews at the end of his pencil, an annoying habit he’s always had and says, “I knew there was a reason I love you.”
It’s the first time Travis has ever used the word ‘love’ in relation to William. Suddenly, William can’t keep a tear from slipping down his cheek because he knows, remembers, feels it in his every being. When Travis says ‘I love you’ the memories of them together end and the memories of William alone, empty, come.
Travis says, “Bill, babe, what’s wrong?”
William says, “Don’t tell me you love me, ever.”
Travis is hurt; William can see it in his eyes. He goes back to his drawing and William knows it must - it must be tearing Travis apart but William has to keep it this way. He wants to keep Travis for as long as he can and as along as Travis doesn’t admit to loving him then Travis won’t die and leave William all alone. It’s a stupid logic and he has a feeling he’s tried it before but there’s no loss in trying.
(Later Travis kisses him slowly and murmurs things into William’s stomach that William tries not to hear. He knows he’s worrying Travis so William murmurs things back and pretends that everything is okay but he can’t ignore that sinking feeling in his gut.)
One night Travis says, “I had the weirdest fucking dream, ever.”
William says around a bite of pizza, “What?”
And Travis says, “We were in a fucking war and you got shot but you survived, somehow. My ship sunk a week later and I died.”
William almost chokes on his pizza. Travis says, “You okay?”
William has to take a chug of his Root Beer. He doesn’t remember that memory exactly but he knows they were fighting a war and he remembers the pain of getting shot in the arm. He had been in - he thinks it was Europe and Travis had been out in the Pacific or maybe on his way across the Atlantic but his ship had hit something or been bombed, something, and then William can’t remember if he drowned, got eaten by a shark, or survived
He says, “Yeah,” and Travis sits next to him on the couch. They watch a documentary on World War II and Travis says, “Wonder what it must have been like.”
And William says, “Couldn’t have been easy. You would have been in the very back of the ship.”
Travis knocks him in the shoulder and says, “You’re a racist asshole.”
William kisses him with pizza sauce all over his mouth.
When Michael Jackson dies Travis insists on blaring a mix tape of his favorite Michael songs ever in William’s house because if he blares them in his flat he’ll get kicked out. Travis doesn’t like to dance so he forces William to and William makes up a whole interpretive dance routine to Pretty Young Thing and Rock with You.
He manages to get Travis to ‘rock with him’. It requires them being in close proximity with little space between them and provocative groin grinding that neither of their mothers would approve of. While they’re dancing Travis says, “I have a feeling we’ve done this before.”
William doesn’t have any memory of them dancing to any Michael Jackson song, ever. He doesn’t even have a memory of them dancing at all. He blinks rapidly and says, “Sure it wasn’t with the girl of your dreams?”
Travis twirls him awkwardly, dips William and says, “No, it was definitely you.”
Suddenly Travis looses his grip and they fall, Travis on top of William and William’s limbs stuck under him. He thinks he’s broken his arm.
Travis says, “Sorry, sorry,” laughs, says, “it’s kind of funny,” the whole time they’re in the emergency room and William just says, “Wonder how the doctor feels towards gays. If he doesn’t tolerate them I wonder how he’s going to take the story of how this happened.”
Travis slouches in his chair. “We could always tell him your abusive boyfriend kicked you down the stairs and I, being your non-abusive boyfriend, of course, was there to save you in the nick of time but accidentally fell on top of you.”
“Yes, yes,” William says. “Lying to the doctor is the best way to start the conversation off.”
“I really am sorry,” Travis says suddenly. “I promise to buy you greasy food and beer to make it up to you.”
“Sex,” William says. “I want a shit load of sex and greasy fast food and the good beer, Travis.”
Travis grins and says, “Deal.”
That night William rides Travis, tiny hips secure in Travis’ hands. His hips are so narrow that Travis’ hands almost touch but it’s a comforting feeling. He moves up and down, neck thrown back, sweat sliding down his chest. Travis removes one hand from his hip to run his thumb over William’s nipple and William seizes up, spills across Travis’ chest.
Travis flips them quickly, gently, has William under him and he keeps thrusting, in out, in out, until William says, “Finish, Travie, please,” and Travis does just because William asks him to. William’s wrist throbs only because it can and Travis stays inside him, kisses his wrist through the ugly white cast William is forced to wear.
Travis draws the most amazing picture on his cast and when it’s time for it to come off William almost rips the nurse’s head off when she tries to take it away. She looks horrified so Travis says, “He hasn’t eaten today,” says, “he might be skinny but he’s a fierce one.”
William stops worrying some time after Thanksgiving.
On December 2nd Travis stops reaching for the remote, turns to William and says, “Why didn’t you tell me?”
William’s hand is halfway to his mouth with a handful of popcorn and he honestly doesn’t know what Travis is talking about. He really hopes Travis isn’t talking about his favorite hoodie because William accidentally spilled soda on it and it’s at the dry cleaners as they speak. “Um,” William says. “Sorry?”
Travis says, “No, not about the hoodie. I already know about the hoodie.”
William puts the handful of popcorn back in the bowl. “I’m lost right now, Travis.”
“You’ve known all along, haven’t you?”
In all honesty William doesn’t know what Travis is talking about. He stares at the other man and wishes the answer would flash across Travis’ forehead. Travis says, “You know this isn’t the first life we’ve ever lived.”
William wishes there was something he could choke on.
“Uh,” he says. “When’d you figure this out?”
And Travis says, “Just now. But you’ve known the whole time, haven’t you?”
There’s no avoiding the question and the girl within William wants to scream in excitement so he says, “I have but I doubt saying, ‘Hey, did you know we’ve been reincarnated about a hundred times in the past three centuries?!’ would really be the key to keeping a man.”
“I suppose you’re right,” Travis says.
“So that’s it?” William asks.
Travis leans back in the seat, rests his arm on the back of the furniture near William’s shoulders and says, “Yeah,” and then, “I don’t think there’s much to talk about.”
William reaches into the popcorn bowl, grabs a handful and stuffs it in his mouth. He leans back in his seat, feels Travis’ fingers at his shoulder and decides, yeah, there’s not much to talk about.
Travis/William
R 2183
reincarnation, curse words, non-explicit sex, song title from the goo goo doll’s ‘name’, written for bandomrarepair
A fic wherein William remembers and Travis can’t. AKA another reincarnation fic because I suck at writing anything else.
The thing is: sometimes William remembers and sometimes he doesn’t but this time around he remembers.
Travis sits across from him at the table. He isn’t sure if Travis remembers so he doesn’t bring it up, just continues to twirl his noodles on his fork. They’re on their first date so William takes that as a definite no. It’s a shame because William remembers amazing things from their past lives together: wars, sex, drugs, women, rock and roll, boys, each other, sex.
“So,” William says in way of conversation, “ever broken into a bank?”
It had been sometime in the fifties and they had wanted to be Bonnie and Clyde (William was Bonnie because at that time he had been a fucking girl, god damn it) but the heist hadn’t turned out the way they had wanted it to. Travis had slipped on a wet spot on the floor and had shot himself in the dick and died. William first had died of laughter and then she had died in a prison cell all alone while being a bitch to some girl named Martha.
Travis says, “No, but I’m guessing you have.”
William decides to answer that with a smile. They spend the rest of the night talking over shitty Chinese food in some backstreet restaurant in the middle of Chicago. They end the night at Travis’ flat with amazing sex.
Afterwards William wishes Travis would remember because these memories seem too much for just one person to remember.
Sometimes William thinks Travis remembers but he’s too afraid to bring it up because he’s unsure if William remembers and he really likes William and doesn’t want to scare him off. It’s the same for William because he plans to keep Travis for as long as he can while living this lifetime. He’s acutely aware of the fact that they never die together.
Travis has an odd fascination for titties but he’s really a booty man. William lacks both but Travis still likes him and that’s enough to make William not worry about his place in Travis’ heart and mind.
(William actually believes that he never has any reason to worry that Travis will stop liking him. Almost every memory he has is of them together and the ones of them not together only merge into times that they are together. The worse times are when Travis is dead and he’s alive but they’re still together, somehow.)
Every time they get reincarnated Travis gathers a new set of tattoos. They’re never really exactly the same, always somehow different. It might be the same dark-haired girl but she’s always in a new position, either with huge bosoms or a large ass. There’s one tattoo that William’s sure is the girl version of him, right along Travis’ left side. It’s always the biggest tattoo on Travis’ body and no other tattoo is allowed within an inch margin of it.
William licks along it one night with his hand on Travis’ stomach. Travis’ stomach muscles flutter when William’s hair glides across his skin. “Who is she?” William asks just because, maybe, Travis might - “I don’t know,” Travis replies. He threads his fingers through William’s hair and tugs gently. “Some girl who’s always in my dreams.”
“Do you love her?” William asks. It’s definitely him, just with small boobs and a little ass. Same bone structure, same lips, same eyes and hair but it’s a little longer than his own. He doesn’t understand why Travis doesn’t see the similarities.
Travis shrugs; he’s staring the best as he can at his tattoo. “I think I do,” he says. “But you never meet the girl of your dreams in reality.”
William feels a sudden ping of hurt, jealously maybe. Travis makes it all better by saying, “I don’t need her anyway. I got you.”
One day William says, “Do you remember that time we went skinny dipping in the lake and old Mrs Fisher saw us and almost had a heart attack?”
Travis says, “No,” with a little strain in his voice and says, “We’ve never gone skinny dipping.”
William blinks. Travis, very obviously, doesn’t remember so he says, “It must have been a dream. Wanna go skinny dipping?”
They go skinny dipping in the lake next to William’s family’s lake house. The lake house is in a secluded area and his family is off vacationing in Mexico so they can’t get caught. Oddly, it isn’t as much fun as William thought it would be. Somehow it doesn’t feel the way that it should. Travis makes it better when he takes a hold of William’s cock under the cover of dark water but it’s still not the same.
“Ever feel like you’re missing a part of yourself?” Travis asks as he sketches in his sketch book. William’s been positioned on the futon in the sun, arms at easy angles, whole body laid across the furniture. His hair is hanging in his eyes but he doesn’t sweep it away because he knows how much it will irritate Travis (once he moves Travis won’t be able to work him back into position, the sketch will be angular and awkward. Travis wants William to lie as still as he possibly can and that’s hard for William Beckett but he does it anyway because he loves Travis and he’ll do anything for Travis’ love.)
A wave of sickness sweeps over William. He has Travis but it’s not the same, not the same without Travis remembering all they’ve ever been through. He has Travis but he doesn’t have him all at the same time. He says, “All the time.”
Travis pauses. He chews at the end of his pencil, an annoying habit he’s always had and says, “I knew there was a reason I love you.”
It’s the first time Travis has ever used the word ‘love’ in relation to William. Suddenly, William can’t keep a tear from slipping down his cheek because he knows, remembers, feels it in his every being. When Travis says ‘I love you’ the memories of them together end and the memories of William alone, empty, come.
Travis says, “Bill, babe, what’s wrong?”
William says, “Don’t tell me you love me, ever.”
Travis is hurt; William can see it in his eyes. He goes back to his drawing and William knows it must - it must be tearing Travis apart but William has to keep it this way. He wants to keep Travis for as long as he can and as along as Travis doesn’t admit to loving him then Travis won’t die and leave William all alone. It’s a stupid logic and he has a feeling he’s tried it before but there’s no loss in trying.
(Later Travis kisses him slowly and murmurs things into William’s stomach that William tries not to hear. He knows he’s worrying Travis so William murmurs things back and pretends that everything is okay but he can’t ignore that sinking feeling in his gut.)
One night Travis says, “I had the weirdest fucking dream, ever.”
William says around a bite of pizza, “What?”
And Travis says, “We were in a fucking war and you got shot but you survived, somehow. My ship sunk a week later and I died.”
William almost chokes on his pizza. Travis says, “You okay?”
William has to take a chug of his Root Beer. He doesn’t remember that memory exactly but he knows they were fighting a war and he remembers the pain of getting shot in the arm. He had been in - he thinks it was Europe and Travis had been out in the Pacific or maybe on his way across the Atlantic but his ship had hit something or been bombed, something, and then William can’t remember if he drowned, got eaten by a shark, or survived
He says, “Yeah,” and Travis sits next to him on the couch. They watch a documentary on World War II and Travis says, “Wonder what it must have been like.”
And William says, “Couldn’t have been easy. You would have been in the very back of the ship.”
Travis knocks him in the shoulder and says, “You’re a racist asshole.”
William kisses him with pizza sauce all over his mouth.
When Michael Jackson dies Travis insists on blaring a mix tape of his favorite Michael songs ever in William’s house because if he blares them in his flat he’ll get kicked out. Travis doesn’t like to dance so he forces William to and William makes up a whole interpretive dance routine to Pretty Young Thing and Rock with You.
He manages to get Travis to ‘rock with him’. It requires them being in close proximity with little space between them and provocative groin grinding that neither of their mothers would approve of. While they’re dancing Travis says, “I have a feeling we’ve done this before.”
William doesn’t have any memory of them dancing to any Michael Jackson song, ever. He doesn’t even have a memory of them dancing at all. He blinks rapidly and says, “Sure it wasn’t with the girl of your dreams?”
Travis twirls him awkwardly, dips William and says, “No, it was definitely you.”
Suddenly Travis looses his grip and they fall, Travis on top of William and William’s limbs stuck under him. He thinks he’s broken his arm.
Travis says, “Sorry, sorry,” laughs, says, “it’s kind of funny,” the whole time they’re in the emergency room and William just says, “Wonder how the doctor feels towards gays. If he doesn’t tolerate them I wonder how he’s going to take the story of how this happened.”
Travis slouches in his chair. “We could always tell him your abusive boyfriend kicked you down the stairs and I, being your non-abusive boyfriend, of course, was there to save you in the nick of time but accidentally fell on top of you.”
“Yes, yes,” William says. “Lying to the doctor is the best way to start the conversation off.”
“I really am sorry,” Travis says suddenly. “I promise to buy you greasy food and beer to make it up to you.”
“Sex,” William says. “I want a shit load of sex and greasy fast food and the good beer, Travis.”
Travis grins and says, “Deal.”
That night William rides Travis, tiny hips secure in Travis’ hands. His hips are so narrow that Travis’ hands almost touch but it’s a comforting feeling. He moves up and down, neck thrown back, sweat sliding down his chest. Travis removes one hand from his hip to run his thumb over William’s nipple and William seizes up, spills across Travis’ chest.
Travis flips them quickly, gently, has William under him and he keeps thrusting, in out, in out, until William says, “Finish, Travie, please,” and Travis does just because William asks him to. William’s wrist throbs only because it can and Travis stays inside him, kisses his wrist through the ugly white cast William is forced to wear.
Travis draws the most amazing picture on his cast and when it’s time for it to come off William almost rips the nurse’s head off when she tries to take it away. She looks horrified so Travis says, “He hasn’t eaten today,” says, “he might be skinny but he’s a fierce one.”
William stops worrying some time after Thanksgiving.
On December 2nd Travis stops reaching for the remote, turns to William and says, “Why didn’t you tell me?”
William’s hand is halfway to his mouth with a handful of popcorn and he honestly doesn’t know what Travis is talking about. He really hopes Travis isn’t talking about his favorite hoodie because William accidentally spilled soda on it and it’s at the dry cleaners as they speak. “Um,” William says. “Sorry?”
Travis says, “No, not about the hoodie. I already know about the hoodie.”
William puts the handful of popcorn back in the bowl. “I’m lost right now, Travis.”
“You’ve known all along, haven’t you?”
In all honesty William doesn’t know what Travis is talking about. He stares at the other man and wishes the answer would flash across Travis’ forehead. Travis says, “You know this isn’t the first life we’ve ever lived.”
William wishes there was something he could choke on.
“Uh,” he says. “When’d you figure this out?”
And Travis says, “Just now. But you’ve known the whole time, haven’t you?”
There’s no avoiding the question and the girl within William wants to scream in excitement so he says, “I have but I doubt saying, ‘Hey, did you know we’ve been reincarnated about a hundred times in the past three centuries?!’ would really be the key to keeping a man.”
“I suppose you’re right,” Travis says.
“So that’s it?” William asks.
Travis leans back in the seat, rests his arm on the back of the furniture near William’s shoulders and says, “Yeah,” and then, “I don’t think there’s much to talk about.”
William reaches into the popcorn bowl, grabs a handful and stuffs it in his mouth. He leans back in his seat, feels Travis’ fingers at his shoulder and decides, yeah, there’s not much to talk about.