Credence Chapter Four: "Corollary" Part 2
Chapter Four: Part 2
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Justin ran his hands over his chest and pulled at the hem of the tank top. “Do you think this is too tight?”
Discreetly, Daphne wiped away the drool that formed in the corner of her mouth and cleared her throat. “Hmm?”
Justin surveyed himself in the full-length mirror and repeated, “Do you think this shirt is too tight?”
“It’s meant to be tight, isn’t it?” Daphne asked.
Justin shrugged. “I guess it is; it’s not like I picked it out.”
“Well, I think the man who picked it out wanted it to fit just like that.”
Justin regarded Daphne in the mirror and noticed her biting her lip. “What aren’t you saying? Do you think I look slutty?”
Daphne giggled, “I’ve just never seen you dress like this. You look hot!”
“So you don’t normally think I’m hot?” Justin asked.
“Oh, stop fishing for compliments. You always look hot, this is different, it’s….” she searched for the right word but couldn’t find one.
“Slutty?” Justin filled in, softly laughing as he said it.
“Desirable,” Daphne corrected firmly. “I’m sure Brian will approve.”
“Well, he bought it for me, so I’m sure he will. But, I think I’m going to change into something else.”
“Why?” Daphne asked, hopping up from her chair. “Looking desirable isn’t exactly a bad thing.”
Justin turned to face Daphne and held her eyes. “You know why it’s not a good thing.”
“Oh, come on. I’m sure no matter what you’ve worn on every date you’ve been on, he’s found you desirable.”
“I know you’re right, but this,” Justin ran his hands from his shoulders down to his hips, “is me teasing him.” He’d previously made a vow not to knowingly tease Brian anymore.
“You’re not going to tease him forever, are you?”
“God, I don’t fucking know!” Justin threw his hands up in the air, walked over to the bed and threw himself backward onto it. “I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing with him.”
“You’re going to go to Woody’s and then go dancing.” Daphne fell onto the bed beside Justin and turned her face to look at him so they were nose to nose. “So, out of all the dates you two have been on, he still hasn’t tried anything with you?”
“Not even a kiss.” Justin abruptly sat up and put his face in his hands. “I think I scared him off.”
“Not quite yet,” Daphne joked, but they both knew she was serious. “I think he must really like you and he’s waiting for you to make the first move because he doesn’t want to fuck things up.”
“I’ve totally fucked myself over,” Justin laughed, lying back down beside Daphne. “I have to fix it. I have to just…”
*knock, knock, knock*
Justin looked over at the clock and gasped, “Holy shit! It’s already eight!”
Daphne giggled as she watched Justin practically fly off the bed and head toward the bathroom. “Well at least now you can’t change.”
“Go answer the door while I fix my hair.”
“Something tells me our roles should be reversed,” Daphne teased. She walked out of the bedroom and headed toward the door, preparing herself to meet the man she was sure her best friend had fallen for.
*knock, knock, knock*
“I’m coming,” Daphne called out. “Someone is impatient,” she mumbled before opening the door.
“You must be Daphne?” Brian accessed in a smooth drawl.
Daphne stepped backward and gripped the side of the door. “Uhhuh.” She wasn’t the most eloquent person in the world when faced with the most gorgeous man she’d ever laid eyes on, which was no surprise.
“Brian Kinney, nice to meet you.” He held his hand out and took Daphne’s limp one in his own.
“You…too, Brian.”
“So, can I come in?” he asked.
Daphne wiped the drool away from the corner of her lip. “Sure…yeah, uh… come in,” she stuttered, making room for Brian to enter the hotel suite. She shut the door behind him and followed Brian into the living area. “He’s still getting ready but he’ll be out in a minute.”
“Is he freaking out about his clothing or his hair?” Brian asked, taking a seat on the sofa.
Daphne laughed. “His clothes, he’s doing his hair right now.”
Brian nodded. “So is he wearing the purple, gray or black tank?” He knew quite a few of the tops he’d chosen were skin-tight and he’d suggested to Justin that he wear one for the occasion tonight.
“You’ll just have to wait and see,” Daphne replied, getting a hold of her desire for her best friend’s date. “You won’t be disappointed.”
Brian bit his lip, staving off the words, ‘he never could’. “Justin said you’re studying to be an English teacher?”
“Unlike Justin who has always known that he wanted to be an artist, it took me a year enrolled in college before I realized what I really wanted to do with my life. If I hadn’t changed my major, I would’ve graduated last month like him. It sucked that my last day this year of student teaching was the same day as his graduation.”
“I’m ready,” Justin announced walking into the living room.
Brian turned to face Justin and swallowed the spit that instantly formed in his mouth from the mouth-watering image before him.
“Ooh la la,” Daphne teased, “look at you.”
Justin tucked his hands into the back pockets of his jeans and gave Brian a shy smile. “Does this look as good as you thought it would when you picked it out?”
Brian smiled and nodded, speechless.
“You weren’t too hard on him?” Justin asked, sure that Daphne had been grilling Brian.
“I was nice!” Daphne defended with a laugh. “Wasn’t I, Brian?”
Brian finally snapped out of the dirty fantasies plaguing his mind and replied, “A perfect lady.”
Daphne grinned. “However, that doesn’t mean I won’t kick your ass if you fuck around with my best friend.”
Brian snorted. “Noted.”
Justin grabbed Brian’s arm and asked, “So you’re sure I look all right? I don’t look too slutty, do I?”
“You’ll have men falling over themselves for a chance to get in your pants,” Brian said, appraising Justin once more.
Justin smiled nervously, “Oh.”
“But you’ll keep him safe, right?” Daphne gave Brian a firm look.
Brian couldn’t imagine letting Justin out of his sight looking the way he did tonight. He gave Daphne an affirmative nod. “Boy Scout’s Honor.”
“And remember, he’s allergic to Rosemary so he can’t have Spiced Rum.”
“I know, he’s told me,” Brian said.
“Oh, come on,” Justin groaned. “You two are acting like I’m an invalid. I can take care of myself. I’m probably not going to drink anything but pop or water.”
Brian laughed. “And wine at dinner, I hope.”
“Well that goes without saying,” Justin agreed, smiling.
“Well, I’m gonna go,” Daphne said. “Call me tomorrow?”
“I will.” Justin gave Daphne a hug.
“Have fun tonight,” Daphne spoke, walking toward the door, Justin trailing behind her.
“We will,” Brian replied for the both of them, his eyes glued to Justin’s ass. Why he had bought him a pair of jeans that would accentuate his ass and inevitably taunt him all night was beyond him. As Justin closed the door behind Daphne, he took the opportunity to readjust his throbbing cock. It was going to be a long, long night.
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Twice, Justin almost came in his pants on the dance floor of Babylon. He’d drank almost a bottle of wine at dinner and that left him loopy and relaxed enough to drink two beers at Woody’s. When they reached Babylon and Brian led him to the dance floor, his body was thrumming with energy and he felt every beat of the music. Other than the two dances he joined Emmett in, he remained pressed against Brian’s body, grinding against his heat and enjoying every moment.
Brian had been peppering kisses along his neck when the guilt crept into Justin’s mind and immediately Justin separated himself from Brian, claiming that he needed a bathroom break. When he returned from the bathroom, he found Brian leaning against the bar, drinking a bottle of water, his eyes watching him as he moved closer. Justin felt like he was the only man in the room, and as he stepped up beside Brian, he realized that tonight, to Brian, he was.
The problem was, he felt the same way and it wasn’t right, not when he was leading Brian on when there would most likely be no future between them. It was a sobering thought and he was happy when Brian asked if he wanted to ‘get out of here’. Justin had urgently nodded his head, because it was time, past time, to tell Brian the truth. Of course, once Brian and he made it into his hotel room, Brian immediately thought it was for any reason other than to talk.
Brian pushed Justin against the door, effectively closing it behind him. “You want me to fuck you?” he asked in a throaty whisper.
Everything inside of Justin screamed ‘yes’ and as Brian licked along his collarbone, an almost unstoppable desire spiraled through his body. He wanted to grab Brian’s hair and force his mouth to meet his own so he could finally experience how it felt to passionately kiss a man. He wanted Brian to be his first for everything, he wanted it so fucking bad he ached with it every moment he was around him or thought about him. However, reality crashed through the lustful spell he and Brian were under and Justin knew that he had to stop it all now. He didn’t want to know what it would be like to kiss Brian when it would possibly be the only thing they’d share together. The caresses and kisses marking other areas of his body would take long enough to fade.
Justin slid out of the tiny space between Brian and the door and pushed away the need he felt to just say ‘yes’ to Brian. “I do, but we can’t.”
Brian turned around and followed Justin into the living area, his dick aching as he walked. “The whole ‘hard-to-get’ angle is getting a little old, Justin.”
“I didn’t take you up here so that you could try to seduce me.” Justin said, facing Brian again. He tried to not be angry about the cards he’d been dealt. He was usually so optimistic that he didn’t dwell on the things he couldn’t change, but right now, he couldn’t ignore the anger bubbling inside of him. It felt like something really was punishing him and he wished he could rectify whatever it was he’d done.
“I don’t have to try to seduce anyone.” Brian caught the frustration and anger in Justin’s tone and it unnerved him more than the words had. He shouldn’t have to try at all. Justin was supposed to want him, it wasn’t supposed to be hard anymore. He’d proven that he wasn’t going to turn tail and run after they fucked, so he didn’t get why Justin sounded so upset.
“Right. Well you have been trying. Or at least you’ve wanted to seduce me. For months, you’ve wanted to get in my pants. That’s what all these dates have been about, haven’t they?”
Brian would never tell Justin that he’d wanted to get in his pants since the moment he saw him walk into the diner months ago. Sure, the dates had been sort of to lure Justin into giving up his sure-to-be tight ass. He got that right. But they’d also been about something else he couldn’t pinpoint. “I told you that it wasn’t. What the fuck is wrong with you? I’ve shown you that I want…” Brian couldn’t speak the word ‘more’.
“Then what have you been doing, Brian? What do you want from me?” Justin didn’t know why he was doing it, but he couldn’t control himself. All the anger he felt he was turning on Brian.
“I’ve just been trying to figure you out,” Brian admitted. “You’re,” he drew his lips into his mouth and searched for the right word, “intriguing. We have fun.” He wanted to have more fun, if only he could get Justin to relax and stop being so uptight. He’d been in a weird mood all night but this sudden urge to talk when they should already be fucking was annoying the shit out of him.
Justin collapsed onto his sofa and looked up at Brian, who was making it impossibly difficult to quell the desire he felt for him by giving him a nervous, boyish expression. Justin hated himself even more as he realized how patient the man was trying to be while he was acting like a bi-polar freak. He realized that he couldn’t do it, he couldn’t have the talk with Brian. It would be easier if Brian left and they stopped being friends all together. He’d never have to explain a thing then. “Please, just go. Okay?” He was a coward, he knew that but he couldn’t find it in him to tell Brian now. He’d fucked it all up accusing Brian and making it seem as though it were Brian’s fault.
Brian wasn’t just going to leave, he wanted Justin too much, even if he lost a little of his pride in the process. “You just want me to leave? What the fuck happened between Babylon and here? What aren’t you telling me?” He wondered if he’d moved too fast tonight and kicked himself as he realized how stupid that sounded. He’d been playing cat and mouse with Justin for far too long. The fact that he actually worried about moving ‘too fast’, which let’s face it, wasn’t an expression that actually existed in his world, told him two things. One, he was acting like a lesbian and two; he was acting like a hurt lesbian. Fuck that! “Talk to me, Justin! I’m not just going to turn tail and run. Tell me what the fuck is going on. Do you want me or not?”
“You don’t get it.” Justin placed his hand over his erection that had yet to waver and pulsed in reaction to the rumble in Brian’s voice.
“You’re right, I don’t get it!” Brian yelled in frustration. “We haven’t even kissed, do you realize that? We’ve been on countless ‘dates’ and you touch me and rub against me and get me harder than I’ve ever been and then you say it’s time to go home and that’s that. Then, you fucking spend time with that Trent fucker and give him… what I should have.”
“Trent is my friend,” Justin protested. “That’s all. I haven’t given him or anyone anything! Especially not what I wish I could give you.”
“Then why won’t you? Have you just been dicking me around? Lure ‘Kinney the slut’ into breaking all his rules? Is that your game?”
“It isn’t a fucking game, it was really never a game,” Justin said. “I wanted to kiss you but I knew that would lead to me feeling things for you that I didn’t want to feel. I didn’t want to feel anything for you until...”
“How nice of you,” Brian spat, interrupting Justin. “To think I thought it was me that didn’t want this, but it was you.”
Justin wanted to scream, he wasn’t explaining himself at all. “I’d love to say, ‘yes, fuck me’, but I can’t. It’s not,” he paused and settled on, “healthy.”
Brian’s anger dissipated in seconds and fear spread through his body as he walked closer to Justin. He let out a deep breath as he squatted in front of him, ran his hand up his leg gently and asked, “Why not? Do you have… are you positive? Because… if that’s what it is, we can be careful.”
Justin held Brian’s hand and squeezed it, his heart thumping in his chest. “God no. But that’s one of the reasons why I can’t.”
Brian took a seat beside Justin, confusion lacing his features. “I don’t understand,” he admitted, “we both want it, but you won’t let yourself…”
“I can’t let myself,” Justin interrupted. “I don’t expect you to understand. You couldn’t. You’ve always been able to go after who you want, slap on a condom, fuck the guy and then leave, no problem.”
Brian felt his anger rising again as he wondered if Justin was one of those men that was afraid of anal sex and wouldand would only participate in frottage. “Look. You fucking know that if that’s all we were doing…”
“I’m not going to have sex until I get married,” Justin blurted out.
Brian’s mouth fell open as he processed what Justin had just said. As the realization hit him, he started laughing and propelled himself to stand. He could not believe that Justin had done this to him. “You’ve got to be kidding me! Wanting to hang out, maybe even become fuck buddies with someone is one thing. But you’ve got some hetero dream of finding your one and only! Well I hate to break it to ya, kid, but that’s not ever going to happen. You’re a fag and you’re never going to find another fag that’ll wanna live your hetero dream life.” Brian paused and laughed. “Mikey and Ben might wanna be Stepford queers, but what you’re looking for is way past that realm of bullshit. You ought to just go back to Breedersville and find yourself a little girl…”
Justin stood up and closed the distance between them, practically slamming his chest against Brian’s as he yelled, “You think I don’t know that would be easier? You think that I actually believe it’ll be easy to find one person who will accept me for who I am, love me and want to make a commitment to me, all without finding out how tight my ass is? You think that I actually believe it’ll be simple? Because I don’t! I know it’s going to be hard. Fuck! I know that it may never happen, but fuck you if you think that after all the time we’ve spent together you think I’m some breeder wannabe. I want cock, Brian. I want to know what it tastes like. I want to know what it feels like inside of me. I want to know what it feels like to be kissed, touched and fucked by a man. I want it so bad it’s all I can think about some days; it’s hard to think of anything else when I see you. When I know you want me. But I’m never going to be a normal fag. I can’t risk my life just for an orgasm. And I’m definitely not going to risk my life to make some asshole like you happy.”
“That was a nice speech,” Brian said. “Have you had that planned from the moment you agreed to go on a date with me? Is this your big fuck you to the ‘Slut of Liberty Avenue’?”
“Oh god,” Justin stepped back and turned in a circle before facing Brian once again. “You have such a huge ego. Me being celibate has nothing to do with you. And in case you forgot, you’ve been pursuing me as much as I pursued you.”
“I haven’t forgotten,” Brian bitched, “believe me!”
“At first, I wasn’t getting into whatever this is with us with the intention of anything serious happening. I’ve always known that you wouldn’t be the one, you wouldn’t’ fall in love with me and you wouldn’t compromise your lifestyle to even begin to find out if you could. But I can’t compromise my life, either. I’m an asshole for not telling you before and I know you might not forgive me for not telling you the truth. I have no excuse, because I should’ve told you.”
“Told me what? You’re still not telling me shit!”
“I’m allergic to latex, polyisoprene and polyurethane. Which means, any condoms that protect against HIV could cause me to have an anaphylactic reaction. And that’s just from it touching my skin, I have no idea what would happen if it was actually inside my body and I bet that it’d be even worse. So yeah, I’m waiting until I can be with someone I trust, someone who is ‘the one’, because if I wouldn’t believe in ‘the one’, then that would make what all homophobes believe to be true.”
Brian was speechless. He tried to place his hand comfortingly on Justin’s arm but the blond shook him away.
“I wish I was straight because yes, it might be easier. But I have to believe that there will be a day that I’ll find someone that will want to be with me only. I have to believe that. I’ve done my research and the only way that I can have safe sex is if we do it raw. I’m not an idiot; I couldn’t just do that with just anyone so I have to hope that I’ll meet a man who will wait for me, fall in love with me and commit to me for life. I knew that you wouldn’t be that person, that you couldn’t be that person, so I’m sorry, I’m sorry for leading you on. But I couldn’t help it, Brian. I like you more than I ever thought that I would.”
Brian was struggling to understand what Justin was telling him and he wanted to say something, do something, but he was in complete shock. Of all the excuses he thought Justin would come up with to explain himself, he hadn’t imagined this one.
“My father told me that this was a punishment to me, that it was proof that I wasn’t meant to be gay and it was a punishment to any unnatural thoughts I’d ever had for men. I know that it’d be a little easier if I was straight, but I still wouldn’t be able to have sex with a woman and risk getting her pregnant or getting a disease. Either way, I’d have to be in a lifelong commitment. I tried to tell him that, but he didn’t want to hear it. He thinks that all my allergies are God’s way of punishing me.”
Justin’s father’s reaction hit home for Brian. “That’s what my mother told me about my cancer,” Brian said, the words tumbling out of his mouth before he could stop them.
“What?” Justin asked, worriedly.
“I had cancer and when my mother found out she told me it was God punishing me for being gay.”
“But it’s not,” Justin said firmly. He placed his hands on top of Brian’s and looked at him with a sorrowful expression. “I know that what I’ve done is horrible, Brian. I know you want me and I want you too, but it won’t ever happen with us. I know I don’t deserve to ask for your forgiveness for not telling you sooner, because I was leading you on. For a few weeks I let myself believe that it could happen between us, but I know that’s not possible. You and I want different things in our lives.”
Brian fought with the uncomfortable feelings creeping around inside him and gave into the one that was in the forefront of his mind. “I’ll call you,” he announced, jumping up from the sofa.
Tears clouded Justin’s vision as he watched Brian quickly bolt from the couch and heard the door to the suite close seconds later. He was about to lose it and go into a self-pitying hole when Brian’s parting words entered his mind again. He was almost afraid to believe them but he figured that at this point, he had nothing left to lose. He would wait for Brian to call.
TBC in Chapter 5