I'm sorry.....

[gaku_nii_chan]

I know I messed up. I'm sorry. I don't know what's going on with me. I'm not fine, even if I say I am. I'm tired, I'm alone, and I hate myself.  I feel like I've done something wrong, even though I probably haven't. I don't think I have anyway. I don't know anymore. I'm not the only one who's hurting though, and I know it. It seems like everyone

Comments

Private to Gakuto

[definedwarrior]

I am glad that you know you aren't fine. I am glad Yuushi was there for you. I am sorry I made that promise not to go after him and beat the shit out of him.

You don't need to be sorry...I...I don't want you to feel alone. I felt that way for too long. It sucks. We all adore you. Remember that...I am only a phone call away if you need anything.

BUT....on a HAPPIER note...

Make very few plans for your birthday (if you already have some let me know....mine can be moved) You will be recieving your first clue at 9 am. via a text message.

and wear goodwalking shoes...

Private to Hiyo

[gaku_nii_chan]

Hiyo....I am going to hold you to that promise. Please, it won't help. and if anyone is going to beat his ass, it's me. I've known I wasn't fine for a while but...I didn't want anyone to worry. I never thought anyone would notice.

I do need to be sorry. I've hurt a lot of people. I wanted to run away from everything so I pushed everyone away. Would I have come back? I dont' know. You know it's hard for me to ask for help. I can't do it. Even from Yuushi I couldn't. I just...I'll try, alright?

And why are you doing something for my birthday? No one has since my last one in high school. Trust me, no one has plans (that I know of anyway. I was just going to order pizza and watch a movie). I guess I'll wait...and good walking shoes? Dare I ask what you have planned?

Private to Gakuto

[definedwarrior]

I noticed....I am just crappy at showing how much I noticed.

My phone is always on. And it has this like wonder battery - I swear I don't think it CAN die. Almost creepy. So call whenever. Or sent a text if it's during class. I mean it.

AS for your birthday...*smirks* Just be prepared to be surprised...

Private to Hiyo

[gaku_nii_chan]

You tried to reach out, and I just didn't do anything. I'm sorry.

I need to get a new cell. I don't know what's wrong with mine, but it keeps dying when I just finish charging it. I think I may have dropped it too many times.

My birthday...you realize I'll have to do something for yours, right?

Private to Gakuto

[psych_shinji]

Gakuto...I love you. I'm going to keep saying that first of all unti you remember it. Love isn't conditional. It means that you can push and shove all you want, and I'l still be here. Remember how *hard* I tried to push you away after my father, and you refused to go? Well, you're going to meet my stubbornness now, because I am not going anywhere. No, you can't fool me because it's the same game that I have been playing my entire life. Don't let anyone see anything different, don't let anyone see you break, because no one will care. You're alone in the world, and no one gives a rat's ass about you, so be alone and don't let yoursef feel. Sound familiar, Gakuto love? Well, they were *wrong* Gakuto. Everyone who'd ever told us that...they were wrong! You are *not* alone. You've got me, you've got Oshitari, you have Wakashi and Atobe and Fuji and Sen and...we all love you

Private to Shinji

[gaku_nii_chan]

I love you to Shinji. It doesn't seem like I say it enough. I do. I still am sorry I pushed you away, or tried to. I didn't know how I could face people and be happy when I felt, and feel, like I'm dying inside. It still hurts to admit it. But, I have help, and I know that. I will try to ask for it when I need it. It's going to be hard though, I hope you realize that. It's hard to erase 20 years in one night.

Your father is an ass. I was not going to let him do that to you. I think they deserve each other. Really, should we set them up and ship them off to Nunavut? I hear it's cold there. They could freeze to death together.

I like how you left Kippei off that list. I know he loves me, even if he's acting like a complete and utter ass right now. He'll come around...I hope. An needs him right now, probably more than I do. I told An to come over. I hope you don't mind. She needs someone, and I don't like seeing her hurt. I bought foam swords (but I can't find a sword dagger anywhere). I think if she and I get into a sword fight, it'

Private to Gakuto

[psych_shinji]

I know how hard it is, Gakuto. Scars like that...they're deeper and more permanent than anyone can understand, unless they have thier own scars. Just remember that there are people here who do understand, love you, and want to help you. I love you.

That...sounds like a good plan to me. We'll wait for winder to set in and then ship them off.

Well...considering that he's a good part of the reason you're breaking now, I didn't want to mention him. And I forgot Shishido on my list too. It's fine, An-chan coming over. She does need someone, considering that most of her important people are being morons now. She is too, in a way, but that is neither here nor there. How can there be no foam daggers? And I have glass for her to break, too. If you want in on it, be my guest. I'll close Senshi uo until you're done

Private to Shinji

[gaku_nii_chan]

I want to feel normal. I want to be happy and feel the way that everyone else does. I want the scars to disappear. I thought they were. I guess I was wrong. I want to cry, but I don't know if I have any tears left. Love you too.

The funny (yet sad) thing is, I can make it happen.

Yes, I'm breaking. I will admit it now. Sadly, I don't think he realizes wht he's doing. Shinji...I know you're upset with him. I didn't think you'd have an issue with it. She needs to be here, I"ve decided. I want to help her, I just don't know what to do. I was upset. I asked and they said they were sold out. Bastards. Breaking glass? Why

Private to Gakuto

[gekidaze]

Oh, don't start with that shit bout how no one should love ya or whatever.

Dude, we all bitch to you. S'only fair that we around when ya need to bitch. Believe it or not, you fucking saved my life. And anyone who says ya a problem gotta answer to me, yeah? Already asked Yuushi whose ass I gotta kick.

I'm gonna come over tonight, and ya ain't gonna make no excuses. I got food, and I'm gonna sit there and letcha bitch or cry or whatever it is ya gotta do. Hear me?

You got me worried when I came to seeya Saturday. But you gonna be okay. You one of the strongest people I know, Gakuto, and ya know I don't compliment no one.

Ya gotta realize ya can't just bounce back from everythin alone. Fuck, that's why ya got friends.

Private to Shishido

[gaku_nii_chan]

You will not kick anyone's ass. Don't do it, please!

It's how I felt, and how I do feel at times. I seem to be feeling it now more than ever. Guess it's 'cause I'm lonely right now. And what do you mean I saved your life? How?

You can come by. An will be here too, because it seems like everyone's life is shit right now. I have foam swords, so you can come by and we can beat each other. I hope you don't mind if she's here. She needs somewhere to go now and I dont' want her to feel alone too. What the fuck is going on with us? really, what the fuck is happening? I seriously want to fucking yell and scream and kick things. I'm not supposed to do much jumping and kicking though. Fucking doctor.

You...you were worried? I...I'm sorry. I really am. Shishido, I'm not that strong. I'm sure there are others around that are stronger than I am. I hope I'm going to be OK, I can't keep living like this.

I'm seriously glad you're here. I don't know what it'd be like if you weren't. Don't you dare leave me. I'll kill you if you do.

[kansai_whisper]

Love, there is no reason to apologize. I am only happy to be there for you when you need me. You've done it for me more times than I can count. You were not taking over my room when I was the one who brought you there myself and you think I mind you wearing my clothing?

If you haven't realized it I do these things because I love you. You have friends who love you and think you are an incredible person. Don't push us away when we want you to see how wonderful you really are.

[gaku_nii_chan]

I still feel the need to apologize. I am being told over and over again that I don't need to, but I feel that I do. I've hurt a lot of people over the past couple weeks and I didn't mean to. I was pushing them away to stop them from being hurt. I thought that, if they hated me, they wouldn't miss me that much when I was gone.

I think you just liked seeing me walk around in a t-shirt that came down to almost my knees and your pants rolled up so they fit me. It was just for staying around the room, but I was glad when Fuji brought over the change of clothes for practice with Sen's girls. They are amazing, and I think I can work with Haruhi. She has potential.

I love you too Yuushi. I promise, I'll try to not push everyone away again. You have to promise that you'll do something if I start again. And if you keep saying things like that I may start crying again. It would be a good crying though.