"The Angel" 4
The Lost Boys plus One.
By Gaedhal
Pittsburgh, Christmas Day 2004
"Michael," said Ben. "Are you coming inside? Or are you going to stand out here in the cold like an ass while everyone else is having dessert?"
"I'm not standing outside like an ass!" Michael insisted. He crossed his arms over his chest defiantly. He was fucking freezing, but he wasn't about to give Ben the satisfaction of knowing he was cold. "It's stuffy in the living room. I'm getting some fresh air."
"Yes, fresh air," said Ben. "That's why you're shivering and I can see the air that you're breathing." Ben huffed out a large white cloud of vapor in demonstration.
Michael sniffed. "Go back inside, Ben. I'll be there in a minute."
Ben put his large hands on Michael's shoulders and squeezed. "Michael, I know this is about Brian and that new guy, but you have to get over it. You're making yourself look foolish." Ben paused. "And you're making me very unhappy."
"It has nothing to do with you, Ben!" Michael insisted. "It's just that... that this whole thing with Brian and that kid has thrown me off balance!"
Ben took a deep breath. "Michael, listen to me. We have a marriage. I know it isn't legal in this state, but it's still a real marriage. At least it is to me. And we have a son. We have a life. That means something to me. And I thought it meant something to you, too."
"It does, Ben!" Michael cried. "It means everything to me!"
"Then stop acting like a pouting, jilted lover just because Brian brought a boyfriend over for Deb's Christmas dinner!" Ben was trying not to shout, but he was sick of this. He was sick of Michael acting like he could have it both ways. A stable marriage and family with Ben and a fantasy romance with Brian. Because that's all it was and all Michael and Brian had ever been -- a fantasy that existed in Michael's imagination and nowhere else.
"That guy isn't Brian's boyfriend!" Michael snapped. "Brian doesn't do boyfriends! He's never had a boyfriend!"
Ben stepped back. He knew that Michael's last serious relationship, with a doctor who now lived in Oregon, had broken up partly because Michael couldn't let go of his feelings for his oldest friend. Ben had always tolerated Michael's meddling in Brian's life because he was certain that Michael really loved him and that Brian was only an adolescent crush that had never died. But now, seeing Michael boiling with jealousy over the young blond Brian seemed to be besotted with, Ben wasn't so sure.
"I don't know what Justin is to Brian, Michael," said Ben. "But whatever he is, it has nothing to do with you. Unless you push it." Ben pressed his lips together tightly. "And then it's not about them anymore. It's about us."
Ben went back into Debbie's house and sat down next to Carl. The entire gang was sitting in the living room eating cannolis and vanilla ice cream.
Brian and Justin were on the purple sofa and Justin was trying to spoon ice cream into Brian's mouth. "You're too skinny! Have another bite!" Justin insisted. "Only one more!"
"No!" Brian laughed. "I'll have to spend an extra 45 minutes on the Stairmaster if I eat that!"
"I can think of other ways to work it off!" said Justin, slyly. And he slid the spoon between Brian's lips.
Ted poked Emmett with his finger and they both raised their eyebrows. They had seen Brian Kinney angry, mocking, sullen, high, drunk, and in fully rampant sexual flight, but they had never seen Brian Kinney playfully bantering with... with whatever Justin was. A boyfriend? Perhaps. Justin looked like a boyfriend, and talked like a boyfriend, and spooned ice cream into Brian's mouth like a boyfriend, but who knew what that really meant in Brian Kinney Land?
"More ice cream, boys?" asked Debbie, coming in from the kitchen with the carton. She couldn't stop smiling at the two of them. They were so fucking cute!
"Don't give him any more, Deb!" Brian groaned. "He's heavy enough." The kid was practically sitting in Brian's lap, but Brian didn't seem to mind. In fact, the two of them were all over each other.
You could have knocked Deb over with a feather when Brian sauntered in with his arm around this blond-haired kid. Michael had already regaled them all with the story of walking in on Brian doing what Brian does -- fucking a trick. How Michael had told the young, blond trick to get lost and then ordered Brian to be at the house at 6:00 sharp for dinner -- or else!
Then, at five minutes to 6:00, they walked in together. Brian and his friend, Justin. The blond trick. Only he definitely wasn't a trick. Brian wouldn't bring a trick to dinner with the family. Or over to see Gus, which was where they had been earlier. And then to the not-a-trick's house to drop off his mother's car and to have a tearful confrontation with her in the driveway while his father was inside watching 'A Christmas Story,' completely oblivious to the drama playing outside. Justin had told them all about it in the first five minutes he was in the room, before he had even taken off his coat. The words poured out of him like a torrent and then Justin stopped and grinned at Debbie while Brian put his arms around him, possessively.
"You are such a ray of sunshine on this cold day, honey!" Deb cried. And then she hugged both boys to her more than ample bosom.
That's when Michael blew a fucking gasket! He bitched and queened out all through dinner until he finally stormed outside to 'get some air.' Debbie rolled her eyes thinking about it. Well, Michael would have to get over himself. It was high time Michael and Brian grew up -- both of them!
"What do you... um... do, honey?" Emmett asked Justin. He couldn't get over Brian and this new guy! Justin had dropped the spoon and he and Brian were trading spit like there was no tomorrow.
Justin looked up. "Me? I'm a senior at Dartmouth."
"Dartmouth, huh?" said Carl, finishing another cannoli. "That's a good school. What are you studying?"
"Business," said Justin. But he made a face when he said it. Dartmouth felt like a whole world away and Justin had changed since he'd been in that world. He could feel the change in himself so strongly. "But I'd like to work in something related to art. Maybe manage a gallery. Something like that."
"You should talk to Lindsay about that," said Brian. "She works in an art gallery downtown. She also teaches drawing classes at the Gay and Lesbian Center. The Center is bullshit, of course, but you might want to look into it."
"I'd like that," said Justin. "The Business stuff was all my dad's idea. He's into doing practical things that make a lot of money, but...." Justin paused and looked around the room. He didn't know any of these people, Brian's friends, but he felt comfortable with them. All except Michael, of course, who seemed to have taken a dislike to him. But Michael's mother had made him feel welcome and they were all really nice to him. They were all very curious about him and Brian, but nice about it, too. All the men, except for Debbie's husband, seemed to be gay and they didn't think Justin was some kind of freak, the way his parents' friends would. "Business isn't what makes me happy. I've always wanted to be an artist."
"Then that's what you should do," said Brian, quietly. "Don't waste your life doing what other people expect you to do or acting the way other people expect you to act. That makes for a miserable fucking life." Justin felt Brian's arms tense. "Don't make that mistake, Justin."
"I only have two more terms left and then I'll graduate," said Justin. "Then I'll be free. At least, I'll be able to live my own life. Or I hope I will."
"That's the spirit, Sunshine!" Debbie cackled. "If you want to know about living your own life on your own terms, just ask Brian. He's the master of doing his own thing!"
"Yeah," Brian sighed. "Doing my own thing." He stirred and then stood up. "I'll be right back. I need a smoke."
Brian walked out the back door. Michael was still standing there, leaning against the doorframe and shivering violently.
"Christ, Michael, you're a stubborn fuck. You'll catch pneumonia out here!" Brian took out a pack of cigarettes and lit one. "I'd offer you a smoke, but I know the Professor doesn't approve of his wife smelling like an ashtray."
"What are you doing, Brian?" Michael asked. "With that kid?"
"I don't know, Mikey," Brian replied. "But give me a chance to figure it out, will you? Everyone is always telling me to grow up and settle down and stop acting like I'm still 25. Maybe it's time I started doing that."
"With that fucking kid?" Michael said, his voice rising. "You hardly know him!"
"I know." Brian blew out a stream of smoke. "But I want to know him. Maybe I'll fuck it up. I probably will. I don't have a fucking clue how to... to be with someone. I've spend most of my life trying not to feel anything for people. But I can't keep on the way I'm going. I was almost ready to kill myself last night, Michael. And I'm not kidding."
Michael turned and stared at Brian. This had always been his greatest fear. That Brian would suddenly reach a dead-end and decide that life was no longer worth the effort. And that there would be no one who cared enough to stop him.
"That's why I came over this morning!" said Michael. "I was so fucking worried about you, Brian! And you blew me off. Because all you were thinking about was your dick -- as usual!"
Brian took the cigarette out of his mouth and looked at it. Turned it around in his hand and then tossed it into the snow.
"Something happened to me last night, Michael. I don't know what it was exactly. I wasn't drunk or stoned enough to be imagining it. But something happened. Something connected with Justin. I... I saw him and he saw me and then... I can't explain it. I know it sounds stupid, especially coming from me, who doesn't believe in any kind of mumbo-jumbo or romantic horseshit, but I feel different. Like I have to catch up with something I've been chasing without knowing it. Something I've been missing for most of my life." Brian turned and looked into Michael's huge, sad eyes. "Don't stand in the way, Michael. Please don't. Be my friend, yes, but let me do this. I know it won't last. Nothing in my life ever lasts. But let me have it for as long as it's here."
Michael put his arms around Brian and felt the tears flowing down his cheeks as he held onto him. He'd loved Brian since he was 14 years old, but he always knew that Brian didn't feel the same way about him. Still, it was hard to let go. Especially hard to stand back and let some kid, some stranger, stand next to Brian and kiss him and go home with him. Love him. And maybe more. That was hard. Almost too hard.
"Brian? Michael? Are you guys out here?" Justin pushed open the back door and came out to stand beside them. "Michael, Hunter was asking if you guys were going over to Woody's for the Christmas Party tonight? Ben said that Hunter could go, too, as long you didn't stay too late."
Michael wiped his eyes. It was getting colder and the tears were starting to freeze on his eyelashes. "I better go inside."
Brian and Justin watched Michael leave and then they stood for a few more minutes.
"You want to go to that party, too?" asked Brian. "I'm sure Emmett and Theodore are going as well. They're having Christmas Carol Karaoke and Emmett never misses a chance to embarrass himself with his off-key singing in front of every guy on Liberty Avenue."
"Not really," said Justin. "But whatever you want to do is fine with me, Brian."
A few snowflakes started to fall. One landed on Justin's nose and Brian brushed it off. "Good," Brian said. "Let's go home."
By Gaedhal
Pittsburgh, Christmas Day 2004
"Michael," said Ben. "Are you coming inside? Or are you going to stand out here in the cold like an ass while everyone else is having dessert?"
"I'm not standing outside like an ass!" Michael insisted. He crossed his arms over his chest defiantly. He was fucking freezing, but he wasn't about to give Ben the satisfaction of knowing he was cold. "It's stuffy in the living room. I'm getting some fresh air."
"Yes, fresh air," said Ben. "That's why you're shivering and I can see the air that you're breathing." Ben huffed out a large white cloud of vapor in demonstration.
Michael sniffed. "Go back inside, Ben. I'll be there in a minute."
Ben put his large hands on Michael's shoulders and squeezed. "Michael, I know this is about Brian and that new guy, but you have to get over it. You're making yourself look foolish." Ben paused. "And you're making me very unhappy."
"It has nothing to do with you, Ben!" Michael insisted. "It's just that... that this whole thing with Brian and that kid has thrown me off balance!"
Ben took a deep breath. "Michael, listen to me. We have a marriage. I know it isn't legal in this state, but it's still a real marriage. At least it is to me. And we have a son. We have a life. That means something to me. And I thought it meant something to you, too."
"It does, Ben!" Michael cried. "It means everything to me!"
"Then stop acting like a pouting, jilted lover just because Brian brought a boyfriend over for Deb's Christmas dinner!" Ben was trying not to shout, but he was sick of this. He was sick of Michael acting like he could have it both ways. A stable marriage and family with Ben and a fantasy romance with Brian. Because that's all it was and all Michael and Brian had ever been -- a fantasy that existed in Michael's imagination and nowhere else.
"That guy isn't Brian's boyfriend!" Michael snapped. "Brian doesn't do boyfriends! He's never had a boyfriend!"
Ben stepped back. He knew that Michael's last serious relationship, with a doctor who now lived in Oregon, had broken up partly because Michael couldn't let go of his feelings for his oldest friend. Ben had always tolerated Michael's meddling in Brian's life because he was certain that Michael really loved him and that Brian was only an adolescent crush that had never died. But now, seeing Michael boiling with jealousy over the young blond Brian seemed to be besotted with, Ben wasn't so sure.
"I don't know what Justin is to Brian, Michael," said Ben. "But whatever he is, it has nothing to do with you. Unless you push it." Ben pressed his lips together tightly. "And then it's not about them anymore. It's about us."
Ben went back into Debbie's house and sat down next to Carl. The entire gang was sitting in the living room eating cannolis and vanilla ice cream.
Brian and Justin were on the purple sofa and Justin was trying to spoon ice cream into Brian's mouth. "You're too skinny! Have another bite!" Justin insisted. "Only one more!"
"No!" Brian laughed. "I'll have to spend an extra 45 minutes on the Stairmaster if I eat that!"
"I can think of other ways to work it off!" said Justin, slyly. And he slid the spoon between Brian's lips.
Ted poked Emmett with his finger and they both raised their eyebrows. They had seen Brian Kinney angry, mocking, sullen, high, drunk, and in fully rampant sexual flight, but they had never seen Brian Kinney playfully bantering with... with whatever Justin was. A boyfriend? Perhaps. Justin looked like a boyfriend, and talked like a boyfriend, and spooned ice cream into Brian's mouth like a boyfriend, but who knew what that really meant in Brian Kinney Land?
"More ice cream, boys?" asked Debbie, coming in from the kitchen with the carton. She couldn't stop smiling at the two of them. They were so fucking cute!
"Don't give him any more, Deb!" Brian groaned. "He's heavy enough." The kid was practically sitting in Brian's lap, but Brian didn't seem to mind. In fact, the two of them were all over each other.
You could have knocked Deb over with a feather when Brian sauntered in with his arm around this blond-haired kid. Michael had already regaled them all with the story of walking in on Brian doing what Brian does -- fucking a trick. How Michael had told the young, blond trick to get lost and then ordered Brian to be at the house at 6:00 sharp for dinner -- or else!
Then, at five minutes to 6:00, they walked in together. Brian and his friend, Justin. The blond trick. Only he definitely wasn't a trick. Brian wouldn't bring a trick to dinner with the family. Or over to see Gus, which was where they had been earlier. And then to the not-a-trick's house to drop off his mother's car and to have a tearful confrontation with her in the driveway while his father was inside watching 'A Christmas Story,' completely oblivious to the drama playing outside. Justin had told them all about it in the first five minutes he was in the room, before he had even taken off his coat. The words poured out of him like a torrent and then Justin stopped and grinned at Debbie while Brian put his arms around him, possessively.
"You are such a ray of sunshine on this cold day, honey!" Deb cried. And then she hugged both boys to her more than ample bosom.
That's when Michael blew a fucking gasket! He bitched and queened out all through dinner until he finally stormed outside to 'get some air.' Debbie rolled her eyes thinking about it. Well, Michael would have to get over himself. It was high time Michael and Brian grew up -- both of them!
"What do you... um... do, honey?" Emmett asked Justin. He couldn't get over Brian and this new guy! Justin had dropped the spoon and he and Brian were trading spit like there was no tomorrow.
Justin looked up. "Me? I'm a senior at Dartmouth."
"Dartmouth, huh?" said Carl, finishing another cannoli. "That's a good school. What are you studying?"
"Business," said Justin. But he made a face when he said it. Dartmouth felt like a whole world away and Justin had changed since he'd been in that world. He could feel the change in himself so strongly. "But I'd like to work in something related to art. Maybe manage a gallery. Something like that."
"You should talk to Lindsay about that," said Brian. "She works in an art gallery downtown. She also teaches drawing classes at the Gay and Lesbian Center. The Center is bullshit, of course, but you might want to look into it."
"I'd like that," said Justin. "The Business stuff was all my dad's idea. He's into doing practical things that make a lot of money, but...." Justin paused and looked around the room. He didn't know any of these people, Brian's friends, but he felt comfortable with them. All except Michael, of course, who seemed to have taken a dislike to him. But Michael's mother had made him feel welcome and they were all really nice to him. They were all very curious about him and Brian, but nice about it, too. All the men, except for Debbie's husband, seemed to be gay and they didn't think Justin was some kind of freak, the way his parents' friends would. "Business isn't what makes me happy. I've always wanted to be an artist."
"Then that's what you should do," said Brian, quietly. "Don't waste your life doing what other people expect you to do or acting the way other people expect you to act. That makes for a miserable fucking life." Justin felt Brian's arms tense. "Don't make that mistake, Justin."
"I only have two more terms left and then I'll graduate," said Justin. "Then I'll be free. At least, I'll be able to live my own life. Or I hope I will."
"That's the spirit, Sunshine!" Debbie cackled. "If you want to know about living your own life on your own terms, just ask Brian. He's the master of doing his own thing!"
"Yeah," Brian sighed. "Doing my own thing." He stirred and then stood up. "I'll be right back. I need a smoke."
Brian walked out the back door. Michael was still standing there, leaning against the doorframe and shivering violently.
"Christ, Michael, you're a stubborn fuck. You'll catch pneumonia out here!" Brian took out a pack of cigarettes and lit one. "I'd offer you a smoke, but I know the Professor doesn't approve of his wife smelling like an ashtray."
"What are you doing, Brian?" Michael asked. "With that kid?"
"I don't know, Mikey," Brian replied. "But give me a chance to figure it out, will you? Everyone is always telling me to grow up and settle down and stop acting like I'm still 25. Maybe it's time I started doing that."
"With that fucking kid?" Michael said, his voice rising. "You hardly know him!"
"I know." Brian blew out a stream of smoke. "But I want to know him. Maybe I'll fuck it up. I probably will. I don't have a fucking clue how to... to be with someone. I've spend most of my life trying not to feel anything for people. But I can't keep on the way I'm going. I was almost ready to kill myself last night, Michael. And I'm not kidding."
Michael turned and stared at Brian. This had always been his greatest fear. That Brian would suddenly reach a dead-end and decide that life was no longer worth the effort. And that there would be no one who cared enough to stop him.
"That's why I came over this morning!" said Michael. "I was so fucking worried about you, Brian! And you blew me off. Because all you were thinking about was your dick -- as usual!"
Brian took the cigarette out of his mouth and looked at it. Turned it around in his hand and then tossed it into the snow.
"Something happened to me last night, Michael. I don't know what it was exactly. I wasn't drunk or stoned enough to be imagining it. But something happened. Something connected with Justin. I... I saw him and he saw me and then... I can't explain it. I know it sounds stupid, especially coming from me, who doesn't believe in any kind of mumbo-jumbo or romantic horseshit, but I feel different. Like I have to catch up with something I've been chasing without knowing it. Something I've been missing for most of my life." Brian turned and looked into Michael's huge, sad eyes. "Don't stand in the way, Michael. Please don't. Be my friend, yes, but let me do this. I know it won't last. Nothing in my life ever lasts. But let me have it for as long as it's here."
Michael put his arms around Brian and felt the tears flowing down his cheeks as he held onto him. He'd loved Brian since he was 14 years old, but he always knew that Brian didn't feel the same way about him. Still, it was hard to let go. Especially hard to stand back and let some kid, some stranger, stand next to Brian and kiss him and go home with him. Love him. And maybe more. That was hard. Almost too hard.
"Brian? Michael? Are you guys out here?" Justin pushed open the back door and came out to stand beside them. "Michael, Hunter was asking if you guys were going over to Woody's for the Christmas Party tonight? Ben said that Hunter could go, too, as long you didn't stay too late."
Michael wiped his eyes. It was getting colder and the tears were starting to freeze on his eyelashes. "I better go inside."
Brian and Justin watched Michael leave and then they stood for a few more minutes.
"You want to go to that party, too?" asked Brian. "I'm sure Emmett and Theodore are going as well. They're having Christmas Carol Karaoke and Emmett never misses a chance to embarrass himself with his off-key singing in front of every guy on Liberty Avenue."
"Not really," said Justin. "But whatever you want to do is fine with me, Brian."
A few snowflakes started to fall. One landed on Justin's nose and Brian brushed it off. "Good," Brian said. "Let's go home."