"The Angel" 3
Dealing with realities.
By Gaedhal
Pittsburgh, Christmas Day 2004
"No, Mom," said Justin, rubbing his aching head. "I'm telling you for the last time -- I'm not going to be home for dinner! No, I'm NOT at Daphne's. I have friends other than Daphne, you know!"
Brian shook his head as he listened to Justin's end of the conversation. Mothers! Jesus Christ! At least he wasn't expected to call his. He'd had flowers sent over to her house yesterday. Some tasteful arrangement that she undoubtedly wouldn't appreciate. That was his way of fulfilling his holiday obligation to the Kinney family.
Fulfilling his obligation to his adopted family would be much harder.
"Listen, Mom, I'll call you tomorrow. Yes, tomorrow!" Justin pulled the phone away from his ear while his mother yelled. "I'm staying at my friend's place again tonight. No, I don't give a shit about opening my presents! Can we talk about this another time? I'm hanging up now, Mom. Yes, NOW!" And Justin hung up.
Brian burst into laughter. "That was easy."
"Fuck! I can't believe my mother!" said Justin. "You would think that I'd called her from jail or something."
"She probably would have preferred that," said Brian, sipping his large mug of coffee. "Better in the Drunk Tank than in bed with a big, bad faggot." Brian watched Justin's face change. Watched it darken. "Does she know? About you?"
Justin nodded slowly. "I told her last night right before I stormed out of the house. She probably thinks that I have a secret boyfriend and that I'm hiding out in his den of sin."
Brian swallowed his coffee. "Isn't that what you're doing?"
Justin moved against Brian and held him tightly. "I don't know! I'm pretty new at this."
Brian set his coffee cup down on the counter. "So am I. As new as you are."
He kissed Justin's tangled blond hair and smelled his own shampoo in it. They were both still wet from the shower.
It had taken Brian a while to get rid of Michael. Finally, Brian had to promise to be at Deb's house in time for dinner at 6:00. "And don't be late, asshole!" Michael had commanded before he left the loft. "Ma is expecting you, so don't disappoint her!"
That's what I'm best at doing, Brian thought. Disappointing people. My friends. My family. My boss and clients. Everyone -- except....
Justin. He didn't seem disappointed in him. And Brian had been surprised that he wasn't disappointed in himself, either. Brian marveled at the strength and confidence he had felt while he and Justin were fucking.
No. While they were making love. That was the difference. That was what it was. Making love. He finally understood that stupid euphemism. Or he had come to understand it again after a very, very long time. He hadn't wanted to make love to anyone before. He hadn't wanted anyone to get close to him, except for a few friends like Michael and Lindsay. Friendship was complicated enough, let alone love!
But fucking was simple. Fucking was about body parts. Take dick and insert into hole. Simple.
But love... that was about a thing that Brian had almost forgotten he possessed. A heart. And that was a complex, untrustworthy organ. Even more complex and untrustworthy than his cock.
"I can wait here while you go over to see your friends, Brian," said Justin. "Unless you'd rather take me...." Justin hesitated. Brian had implied that he could stay at the loft tonight and he'd told his mother as much. But it had never been stated outright. "Take me somewhere else."
"Yes," said Brian. "Get dressed. I'm going to take you somewhere else."
Justin swallowed. Maybe Brian's friend was right. Maybe he was only a trick. A one-night stand. "Where, Brian?"
"To see Gus," said Brian. And then he noticed the puzzled look on Justin's face. "We're going over to visit my son."
***
Lindsay stared in amazement as Brian walked into the house on Christmas Day with a stranger in tow. A stranger who was holding Brian's hand!
Yes, the same Brian Kinney who blew off his closest friends when he was in a foul mood -- which was often. The same Brian Kinney who only spoke to strangers if he was trying to charm them into bed or into signing with his ad agency. The Brian Kinney who didn't do boyfriends and hated relationships.
THAT Brian Kinney. Holding hands with a strange blond man.
"This is Justin," said Brian. Then he pushed past Lindsay and went directly into the living room where Gus was surrounded by his Christmas toys.
"Yes, I'm Justin," said the young blond man, shaking Lindsay's hand and then taking off his coat. "I've heard so much about you and Mel. And I'm excited to see Gus!"
"Yes," said Lindsay, smiling her perfect hostess smile. She took the young man's coat. "Of course. Right in there."
Mel came out of the kitchen with little Jenny in her arms and the two women exchanged glances. Justin sat down on the carpet with Gus and began asking him questions about Gus' new Corvette. Gus showed Justin how the doors opened and closed and how the car spun around the smooth wooden floor of the dining room with ease, but was much slower on the oriental carpet in the living room.
"Your daddy told me what a big boy you were, Gus! I love your car," said Justin.
"Just like Dada's!" Gus crowed happily.
"Maybe you can come over to the loft tomorrow and bring your new car, Gus," said Brian. "There are lots of wooden floors there. You and I and Justin can order pizza and watch a DVD."
"Yeah!" said Gus. "Pizza!"
"Do you like 'Yellow Submarine,' Gus?" asked Justin. "That's one of my favorite movies."
"I don't think Gus is familiar with that one, Justin," said Lindsay. She was watching Brian watch this young man. It was so odd! There was something so different about Brian's expression. Something different about Brian in general. He was smiling. Really smiling like he meant it. Brian usually smiled at Gus, but it was often a sad half-smile, like in his own head he was somewhere else, remembering something melancholy. Like his own childhood.
There was none of that now. Brian wasn't sitting somewhere in the past. He was right here.
"We can go to the store and get a copy tomorrow," said Brian. "Even on a Sunday all the stores will be open early for the hordes who can't wait to return the horrible clothes their relatives gave them for Christmas!" Brian shuddered.
"That's true," said Justin. "My mother always gives me something awful. She doesn't have a clue!" Justin turned around and put his hand on Brian's knee. "That reminds me, Brian. We have to get her car and take it back to the house. I don't want to leave it parked on the street another night."
Brian nodded. "Then we better get moving or we'll be late getting to Deb's. She'll serve my dick on a plate instead of the main course if I'm late again this year." He stood up and Gus ran over and hugged him. "So, maybe tomorrow? 'Yellow Submarine'? Okay, Sonny Boy?"
"Okay, Dada!" Gus replied. "And Justin?"
"And Justin," said Brian. "Of course."
Lindsay went to get Justin's coat and Mel followed her. "What's going on, Lindz? Who is that other guy? It sounds like he's living at the loft. When did that happen?"
"I don't know, Mel," Lindsay admitted. "But it feels like a good thing."
Mel took the coat back into the living room to give to Justin, while Lindsay motioned Brian into the hallway.
"Who are you and what have you done with Brian Kinney?" Lindsay demanded, only partly joking.
"He's right here, Lindz," said Brian. "But...."
"But what, Bri?" asked Lindsay. "Justin seems like a very nice guy, but who is he?"
"He's...." Brian was at a loss for the language to express this emotion that was so strange to him. So very strange and yet also so sweet. "He's here, too." Brian shrugged. "We're here together. Don't question it. I'm not questioning it. I'm just letting it happen."
Lindsay looked Brian up and down. She didn't want him to shut down by pushing him too hard. He often withdrew whenever anyone pressed him about things he couldn't articulate. Or things he didn't want to talk about. Which was practically everything.
Instead, Lindsay smiled softly. "Then let it happen, Brian. For once in your life don't think too much. Don't stop and think at all. Just feel. And follow your feelings."
"I'm trying to, Lindz," said Brian, seriously. "But this is unknown territory for me. I don't have a map. I don't want to get lost."
"Don't worry about getting lost, Brian," said Lindsay. "If there are two of you, then it doesn't matter if you get lost. Wherever you end up together will be someplace good. Believe me."
"I'm trying to believe, Lindz. But I haven't been in that church in a long, long time." Brian glanced back into the living where Justin was talking to Melanie. "Hey, Justin!" he called. "Move your ass! We have things to do!"
Justin bounced into the hallway. "I'm coming!" He put his arms Brian and kissed his cheek. "Let's go!"
"Yes," said Brian. "Let's go."
By Gaedhal
Pittsburgh, Christmas Day 2004
"No, Mom," said Justin, rubbing his aching head. "I'm telling you for the last time -- I'm not going to be home for dinner! No, I'm NOT at Daphne's. I have friends other than Daphne, you know!"
Brian shook his head as he listened to Justin's end of the conversation. Mothers! Jesus Christ! At least he wasn't expected to call his. He'd had flowers sent over to her house yesterday. Some tasteful arrangement that she undoubtedly wouldn't appreciate. That was his way of fulfilling his holiday obligation to the Kinney family.
Fulfilling his obligation to his adopted family would be much harder.
"Listen, Mom, I'll call you tomorrow. Yes, tomorrow!" Justin pulled the phone away from his ear while his mother yelled. "I'm staying at my friend's place again tonight. No, I don't give a shit about opening my presents! Can we talk about this another time? I'm hanging up now, Mom. Yes, NOW!" And Justin hung up.
Brian burst into laughter. "That was easy."
"Fuck! I can't believe my mother!" said Justin. "You would think that I'd called her from jail or something."
"She probably would have preferred that," said Brian, sipping his large mug of coffee. "Better in the Drunk Tank than in bed with a big, bad faggot." Brian watched Justin's face change. Watched it darken. "Does she know? About you?"
Justin nodded slowly. "I told her last night right before I stormed out of the house. She probably thinks that I have a secret boyfriend and that I'm hiding out in his den of sin."
Brian swallowed his coffee. "Isn't that what you're doing?"
Justin moved against Brian and held him tightly. "I don't know! I'm pretty new at this."
Brian set his coffee cup down on the counter. "So am I. As new as you are."
He kissed Justin's tangled blond hair and smelled his own shampoo in it. They were both still wet from the shower.
It had taken Brian a while to get rid of Michael. Finally, Brian had to promise to be at Deb's house in time for dinner at 6:00. "And don't be late, asshole!" Michael had commanded before he left the loft. "Ma is expecting you, so don't disappoint her!"
That's what I'm best at doing, Brian thought. Disappointing people. My friends. My family. My boss and clients. Everyone -- except....
Justin. He didn't seem disappointed in him. And Brian had been surprised that he wasn't disappointed in himself, either. Brian marveled at the strength and confidence he had felt while he and Justin were fucking.
No. While they were making love. That was the difference. That was what it was. Making love. He finally understood that stupid euphemism. Or he had come to understand it again after a very, very long time. He hadn't wanted to make love to anyone before. He hadn't wanted anyone to get close to him, except for a few friends like Michael and Lindsay. Friendship was complicated enough, let alone love!
But fucking was simple. Fucking was about body parts. Take dick and insert into hole. Simple.
But love... that was about a thing that Brian had almost forgotten he possessed. A heart. And that was a complex, untrustworthy organ. Even more complex and untrustworthy than his cock.
"I can wait here while you go over to see your friends, Brian," said Justin. "Unless you'd rather take me...." Justin hesitated. Brian had implied that he could stay at the loft tonight and he'd told his mother as much. But it had never been stated outright. "Take me somewhere else."
"Yes," said Brian. "Get dressed. I'm going to take you somewhere else."
Justin swallowed. Maybe Brian's friend was right. Maybe he was only a trick. A one-night stand. "Where, Brian?"
"To see Gus," said Brian. And then he noticed the puzzled look on Justin's face. "We're going over to visit my son."
***
Lindsay stared in amazement as Brian walked into the house on Christmas Day with a stranger in tow. A stranger who was holding Brian's hand!
Yes, the same Brian Kinney who blew off his closest friends when he was in a foul mood -- which was often. The same Brian Kinney who only spoke to strangers if he was trying to charm them into bed or into signing with his ad agency. The Brian Kinney who didn't do boyfriends and hated relationships.
THAT Brian Kinney. Holding hands with a strange blond man.
"This is Justin," said Brian. Then he pushed past Lindsay and went directly into the living room where Gus was surrounded by his Christmas toys.
"Yes, I'm Justin," said the young blond man, shaking Lindsay's hand and then taking off his coat. "I've heard so much about you and Mel. And I'm excited to see Gus!"
"Yes," said Lindsay, smiling her perfect hostess smile. She took the young man's coat. "Of course. Right in there."
Mel came out of the kitchen with little Jenny in her arms and the two women exchanged glances. Justin sat down on the carpet with Gus and began asking him questions about Gus' new Corvette. Gus showed Justin how the doors opened and closed and how the car spun around the smooth wooden floor of the dining room with ease, but was much slower on the oriental carpet in the living room.
"Your daddy told me what a big boy you were, Gus! I love your car," said Justin.
"Just like Dada's!" Gus crowed happily.
"Maybe you can come over to the loft tomorrow and bring your new car, Gus," said Brian. "There are lots of wooden floors there. You and I and Justin can order pizza and watch a DVD."
"Yeah!" said Gus. "Pizza!"
"Do you like 'Yellow Submarine,' Gus?" asked Justin. "That's one of my favorite movies."
"I don't think Gus is familiar with that one, Justin," said Lindsay. She was watching Brian watch this young man. It was so odd! There was something so different about Brian's expression. Something different about Brian in general. He was smiling. Really smiling like he meant it. Brian usually smiled at Gus, but it was often a sad half-smile, like in his own head he was somewhere else, remembering something melancholy. Like his own childhood.
There was none of that now. Brian wasn't sitting somewhere in the past. He was right here.
"We can go to the store and get a copy tomorrow," said Brian. "Even on a Sunday all the stores will be open early for the hordes who can't wait to return the horrible clothes their relatives gave them for Christmas!" Brian shuddered.
"That's true," said Justin. "My mother always gives me something awful. She doesn't have a clue!" Justin turned around and put his hand on Brian's knee. "That reminds me, Brian. We have to get her car and take it back to the house. I don't want to leave it parked on the street another night."
Brian nodded. "Then we better get moving or we'll be late getting to Deb's. She'll serve my dick on a plate instead of the main course if I'm late again this year." He stood up and Gus ran over and hugged him. "So, maybe tomorrow? 'Yellow Submarine'? Okay, Sonny Boy?"
"Okay, Dada!" Gus replied. "And Justin?"
"And Justin," said Brian. "Of course."
Lindsay went to get Justin's coat and Mel followed her. "What's going on, Lindz? Who is that other guy? It sounds like he's living at the loft. When did that happen?"
"I don't know, Mel," Lindsay admitted. "But it feels like a good thing."
Mel took the coat back into the living room to give to Justin, while Lindsay motioned Brian into the hallway.
"Who are you and what have you done with Brian Kinney?" Lindsay demanded, only partly joking.
"He's right here, Lindz," said Brian. "But...."
"But what, Bri?" asked Lindsay. "Justin seems like a very nice guy, but who is he?"
"He's...." Brian was at a loss for the language to express this emotion that was so strange to him. So very strange and yet also so sweet. "He's here, too." Brian shrugged. "We're here together. Don't question it. I'm not questioning it. I'm just letting it happen."
Lindsay looked Brian up and down. She didn't want him to shut down by pushing him too hard. He often withdrew whenever anyone pressed him about things he couldn't articulate. Or things he didn't want to talk about. Which was practically everything.
Instead, Lindsay smiled softly. "Then let it happen, Brian. For once in your life don't think too much. Don't stop and think at all. Just feel. And follow your feelings."
"I'm trying to, Lindz," said Brian, seriously. "But this is unknown territory for me. I don't have a map. I don't want to get lost."
"Don't worry about getting lost, Brian," said Lindsay. "If there are two of you, then it doesn't matter if you get lost. Wherever you end up together will be someplace good. Believe me."
"I'm trying to believe, Lindz. But I haven't been in that church in a long, long time." Brian glanced back into the living where Justin was talking to Melanie. "Hey, Justin!" he called. "Move your ass! We have things to do!"
Justin bounced into the hallway. "I'm coming!" He put his arms Brian and kissed his cheek. "Let's go!"
"Yes," said Brian. "Let's go."