Fic: Lookers for Hookers
Title: Lookers for Hookers
Rating: PG-13ish
Pairing/Character(s): Buffy, Anya
Setting: During S6's Doublemeat Palace
Word count: 860 words
Summary: Anya comes up with a far more lucrative job opportunity for Buffy during S6.
Author's note: Heh. While context isn't needed to read this, it is amusing. sueworld2003 shared a pretty headdesk-worthy example of a fan's wrongness. My first reaction was sheer WTFery. After that passed, though, I had to laugh (to keep from crying, I suppose). And then I was inspired to write a fic about it. Since I'm using Anya, this isn't quite as crack!fic as I'd intended it to be. I hope it amuses. :)
Buffy had been surprised when Anya had shown up at the Doublemeat Palace to visit her on her break. No Xander in tow. No sign of the others. Just Anya.
Yes, she and Anya were friends. But they didn't really talk one-on-one much. Or ever.
However, Buffy welcomed any bit of relief from the tedium of her new greasetastic job. So she sat across from Anya at the break room table with her one-per-day complimentary Doublemeat Palace drink and waited for the other woman to speak.
"Buffy," Anya said while slapping a folder down on the table. "This place is all wrong for you."
Buffy's straw squeaked against the plastic lid as her head shot up. Not what she'd been expecting.
"Listen," Anya continued. "I admire your capitalistic initiative in getting a job, but working at a fast food place? This is beneath you, frankly. For one, you're the Slayer. You should have a much cooler job than flipping hamburgers of ambiguous origin. For another, you're far too attractive to work in a place like this. Have you noticed how ugly all your coworkers are?"
How badly did Buffy not want to be talking about this? "Anya, I don't think - "
"They're very ugly. In fact, I think working here makes them ugly, and I don't want that to happen to you because you're one of my bridesmaids."
"I need the money," Buffy said, hoping to bring this conversation to a close.
"And I can help you with that!" Anya smiled. "I have a more lucrative alternative for you that is much more respectable than working here."
On the other hand, Buffy couldn't turn down some financial advice. Anya did have a good head with these things. Buffy waited.
Anya opened her folder and pulled out a bunch of graphs. "I think you should consider prostitution. If you'd look at these graphs I made - "
Buffy accidentally knocked over her free drink. She scrambled to right it before all the Diet Coke escaped. "Wait. I should consider...?"
"Prostitution," Anya repeated as if she were speaking to a child. "An escort service, specifically. I've crunched the numbers, and we can set you up with a site online. I'll take care of all the behind the scenes business stuff, and you would just deal with clients."
"And by 'deal', you mean...?"
"Have sex with them for monetary compensation, yes. I'd take a cut of your profits, of course. But you'd still make far more than you do here. Personally, I think every attractive single girl would do well to work in prostitution."
"You want me to be a hooker?"
Anya waved a hand. "Well, not one of those crack-addled streetwalkers. No, the pretty ones. You know, the high-class escorts. Your clients would be businessmen or politicians or trust fund college students with money to spare. Here. I have graphs to show your projected income. Even if you only perform oral sex, you'd be making more than you do here."
No looking at the graphs. Buffy refused to see how much money she could make because what Anya was suggesting was just wrong wrong wrong.
"Anya, I'm not gonna be a prostitute," Buffy said.
Anya paused in her paper-shuffling. "Why not? You're pretty enough."
"I know. I mean - I guess. But...I wouldn't be able to look Dawn in the eye, you know?"
"No, I don't. I'd still respect you. If I weren't already attached to Xander, I'd do it myself to get some extra money. I think it's a reasonable option for any attractive young woman."
Buffy had a sudden fear that Anya would start a brothel. "Anya, I appreciate all the work you've done." Buffy tried to be diplomatic. "But I can't be a prostitute. I just...just trust me, okay? I can't."
Anya slammed the papers back into the folder. "Fine," she said. "It's just that I have this great business plan, but nobody wants to help me with it!"
And Buffy's fear became reality. "Who else have you asked?
"Just Willow - cause men like the whole lesbian thing. But she'd rather go to school and get a job that uses her skills rather than capitalize on her good looks."
"Go figure."
"I know! And I thought for sure that you'd be desperate enough, but no! You'd rather wear silly clothes and slowly become ugly and decrepit like all your coworkers." Anya sighed.
Buffy looked at her watch. She'd never been more happy to see the end of her break. "Well, Ahn, this has been a great little talk. But I have to get back to the counter. You know, to work on getting ugly."
Anya frowned but walked with her out to the register. She paused while Buffy signed in to the till.
"You know, Buffy, I shouldn't give up," Anya said.
"That's the spirit." Buffy's attention was already on a family who had walked up to order. The father was listing out the meals they wanted, and Buffy dutifully pushed the buttons on the register.
"After all, I haven't asked Dawn yet. And she's very pretty." Anya smiled and walked away.
Buffy's drawer popped open. Shit.
Rating: PG-13ish
Pairing/Character(s): Buffy, Anya
Setting: During S6's Doublemeat Palace
Word count: 860 words
Summary: Anya comes up with a far more lucrative job opportunity for Buffy during S6.
Author's note: Heh. While context isn't needed to read this, it is amusing. sueworld2003 shared a pretty headdesk-worthy example of a fan's wrongness. My first reaction was sheer WTFery. After that passed, though, I had to laugh (to keep from crying, I suppose). And then I was inspired to write a fic about it. Since I'm using Anya, this isn't quite as crack!fic as I'd intended it to be. I hope it amuses. :)
Buffy had been surprised when Anya had shown up at the Doublemeat Palace to visit her on her break. No Xander in tow. No sign of the others. Just Anya.
Yes, she and Anya were friends. But they didn't really talk one-on-one much. Or ever.
However, Buffy welcomed any bit of relief from the tedium of her new greasetastic job. So she sat across from Anya at the break room table with her one-per-day complimentary Doublemeat Palace drink and waited for the other woman to speak.
"Buffy," Anya said while slapping a folder down on the table. "This place is all wrong for you."
Buffy's straw squeaked against the plastic lid as her head shot up. Not what she'd been expecting.
"Listen," Anya continued. "I admire your capitalistic initiative in getting a job, but working at a fast food place? This is beneath you, frankly. For one, you're the Slayer. You should have a much cooler job than flipping hamburgers of ambiguous origin. For another, you're far too attractive to work in a place like this. Have you noticed how ugly all your coworkers are?"
How badly did Buffy not want to be talking about this? "Anya, I don't think - "
"They're very ugly. In fact, I think working here makes them ugly, and I don't want that to happen to you because you're one of my bridesmaids."
"I need the money," Buffy said, hoping to bring this conversation to a close.
"And I can help you with that!" Anya smiled. "I have a more lucrative alternative for you that is much more respectable than working here."
On the other hand, Buffy couldn't turn down some financial advice. Anya did have a good head with these things. Buffy waited.
Anya opened her folder and pulled out a bunch of graphs. "I think you should consider prostitution. If you'd look at these graphs I made - "
Buffy accidentally knocked over her free drink. She scrambled to right it before all the Diet Coke escaped. "Wait. I should consider...?"
"Prostitution," Anya repeated as if she were speaking to a child. "An escort service, specifically. I've crunched the numbers, and we can set you up with a site online. I'll take care of all the behind the scenes business stuff, and you would just deal with clients."
"And by 'deal', you mean...?"
"Have sex with them for monetary compensation, yes. I'd take a cut of your profits, of course. But you'd still make far more than you do here. Personally, I think every attractive single girl would do well to work in prostitution."
"You want me to be a hooker?"
Anya waved a hand. "Well, not one of those crack-addled streetwalkers. No, the pretty ones. You know, the high-class escorts. Your clients would be businessmen or politicians or trust fund college students with money to spare. Here. I have graphs to show your projected income. Even if you only perform oral sex, you'd be making more than you do here."
No looking at the graphs. Buffy refused to see how much money she could make because what Anya was suggesting was just wrong wrong wrong.
"Anya, I'm not gonna be a prostitute," Buffy said.
Anya paused in her paper-shuffling. "Why not? You're pretty enough."
"I know. I mean - I guess. But...I wouldn't be able to look Dawn in the eye, you know?"
"No, I don't. I'd still respect you. If I weren't already attached to Xander, I'd do it myself to get some extra money. I think it's a reasonable option for any attractive young woman."
Buffy had a sudden fear that Anya would start a brothel. "Anya, I appreciate all the work you've done." Buffy tried to be diplomatic. "But I can't be a prostitute. I just...just trust me, okay? I can't."
Anya slammed the papers back into the folder. "Fine," she said. "It's just that I have this great business plan, but nobody wants to help me with it!"
And Buffy's fear became reality. "Who else have you asked?
"Just Willow - cause men like the whole lesbian thing. But she'd rather go to school and get a job that uses her skills rather than capitalize on her good looks."
"Go figure."
"I know! And I thought for sure that you'd be desperate enough, but no! You'd rather wear silly clothes and slowly become ugly and decrepit like all your coworkers." Anya sighed.
Buffy looked at her watch. She'd never been more happy to see the end of her break. "Well, Ahn, this has been a great little talk. But I have to get back to the counter. You know, to work on getting ugly."
Anya frowned but walked with her out to the register. She paused while Buffy signed in to the till.
"You know, Buffy, I shouldn't give up," Anya said.
"That's the spirit." Buffy's attention was already on a family who had walked up to order. The father was listing out the meals they wanted, and Buffy dutifully pushed the buttons on the register.
"After all, I haven't asked Dawn yet. And she's very pretty." Anya smiled and walked away.
Buffy's drawer popped open. Shit.