Don't Even Want To Talk About It
Chapter Thirteen: Where I Stood
Word Count: 2600
Story Summary: Another intern stumbles across something from Alex’s past.
Chapter Summary: Alex is cornered. Dr. Bailey’s POV.
Disclaimer: I own nothing…
XXXX
‘Miranda, could we have a word please?’
There was a serious undertone to the Chief’s voice that had the usually unflappable Miranda Bailey wondering if she had done something wrong. Richard Webber was quite possibly the only person at Seattle Grace with the power to make Miranda question herself.
‘Yes Chief, certainly.’
She answered quickly, indicating to an empty exam cubicle and as he followed her inside the darkened room she reached over to flick the lights on before turning to face him.
‘What can I help you with?’
‘Alex Karev.’
‘What about him, sir?’
‘I had Addison Montgomery in my office this morning followed about ten minutes later by Phillip Rogers, the Psych. Attending he was scheduled to visit yesterday.’
Miranda nodded sagely, already guessing where this was going, already realising she was going to be expected to come up with a solution, already knowing she had no idea.
‘Apparently he didn’t bother to turn up, didn’t call to cancel, nothing…Addison went to see him yesterday, apparently he…’ Richard raised both hands in the air, two fingers curled around to indicate quote marks, ‘…freaked out when she mentioned contacting his family for genetic testing.’
‘Freaked out?’ Miranda echoed, stalling desperately.
‘Freaked out.’
The airy quote marks returned.
‘Oh.’
‘I was just hoping to…’
Here it comes.
‘…get your view on the matter.’
‘Uh, well, to be honest sir…’
‘You’ve seen his medical records I expect.’
‘Arh, yes I think…’
‘Makes for quite disturbing reading.’
‘Yes, that it…’
‘Has he talked to you about it?’
‘No, def…’
‘No, no of course not, of course he wouldn’t have…’
Richard wasn’t even looking at Miranda, was instead pacing aimlessly around the room picking up objects and putting them back down again at random.
‘I was thinking we should call him in for a meeting…’
‘Yes, good id…’
‘We’ll say we need to discuss organising for him to sit the interns exam…’
‘Yes, we do ne…’
‘I think you and I should be there and probably Phil if he’s available…’
‘Uh, I think…’
‘I don’t think we need to tell him Phil will be there…’
‘Maybe…’
‘Okay, good. You’ll organise it then? Tomorrow morning, say 9am?’
‘Ar…certainly, I’ll organise it.’
‘Excellent, I’m glad you think this is the right way to go. I knew you’d know how to proceed. Well, see you tomorrow then.’
Richard turned then and headed back towards the doorway.
‘Tell Phil to come at ten past, we don’t want him getting here before Alex and scaring him off.’
‘Yes Chief, I will do.’
And then he was gone with a flurry of pristine white lab coat and a swish of the exam room door, leaving Miranda stunned and somewhat shell-shocked, feeling as though she had been slightly steam-rolled into this deception. Not only that, it was going to look like it had all been her idea when it wasn’t, not at all. In fact the whole scenario felt wrong to her and she couldn’t help but think Alex Karev was not the sort of person who would react well to being tricked into such an…intervention.
She leaned her weight against the exam room bed and exhaled deeply, blowing her fringe up off her forehead in the process. She had a sinking feeling this plan was going to backfire spectacularly and truth be told she wanted nothing to do with it. Alex was already jumpy and suspicious, not to mention had recently been upset enough to attempt to take his own life. Whether alcohol induced or not, this wasn’t something Miranda felt comfortable meddling with, she was a surgeon, she cut and repaired and sewed, she did not talk.
Unfortunately it wasn’t up to her. Besides the Chief was right in one respect, they did need to talk to Alex about the intern exam, the window was fast closing and they needed to organise for him to sit the test sooner rather than later, whether Miranda thought he was ready for it or not. She just had to hope and pray Dr. Rogers wouldn’t be available, or even better, would also think it was a bad idea.
XXXX
He wasn’t unavailable and he didn’t think it was a bad idea. In fact Phillip Rogers seemed to share the Chief’s enthusiasm for the plan and assured Miranda he would be at Richard’s office at zero nine ten and not a moment before.
Consequently Miranda now found herself with an incredibly difficult phone call to make. She had contemplated asking Addison’s opinion on the matter but had since decided that the less people who knew about this plan the better.
The sound of the unanswered telephone continued to reverberate in her right eardrum and she had almost convinced herself he wasn’t going to answer when the sound cut off and was replaced with a tired sounding hello?
Miranda raised her brown eyes to the ceiling and issued Alex a silent apology for what she was about to do.
I’m so sorry, Alex. This is not what I wanted.
XXXX
At 8.45 the next morning Miranda saw Alex arrive and despite telling herself not to be so utterly ridiculous she found herself ducking surreptitiously into the ladies room to her left as he rounded the corner towards her. She pulled the door of the last cubicle shut behind her and sat down on the closed lid of toilet. Head lowered to her hands she took several deep breaths and tried to push past the uncomfortable feeling of dread that was beginning to build in her gut.
The Chief was right. She had read his medical records and even though she had told herself not to at the end of each page, told herself that the information concealed in its depths was not relevant to his current treatment, that it was revealing and deeply personal and not really any of her business, she found that she was powerless to stop. The detail overwhelmed her and while there was plenty missed out, scrawled words recommending the reader see the relevant social services documentation, there was still more than enough for her to get the bigger picture.
She pushed herself to her feet, weary already though her day was really only just beginning. The distance to the Chief’s office would take her five minutes to cover and she wondered desperately if that would be enough time to conjure a disaster of some sort that would require her immediate and all encompassing attention. It wasn’t apparently and all too soon she found herself at her destination. The door was closed and she tapped lightly and waited to be called in, when she entered she discovered only the Chief inside and immediately thought she may still be able to talk him out of it.
‘Sir, do you…’
Tap, tap, tap.
The sound interrupted her and the Chief turned his attention to the open doorway, Miranda dared not look.
‘Dr. Karev, come in and have a seat.’
There was movement behind her and as Alex’s figure appeared in her peripheral vision Miranda turned her head slightly towards him.
‘Karev…’
How are you?
What have you been up to?
Hope all is going well following your attempted suicide and the revelation that you have a serious heart condition, possibly passed to you from your abusive father’s questionable genetics.
Excuse us while we trick you into a session with a psychiatrist that you know nothing about.
What could she possibly say?
‘Dr. Bailey…’
Alex’s reply was equally stilted and had Miranda wondering if he had already twigged to their plan. He disregarded the chair the Chief indicated to in favour of one closer to and facing the exit and perched himself on the very edge of the seat, as though already preparing to run.
‘So…’ he breathed and raised his head in the vague direction of the Chief, almost looking at him but not quite.
‘Dr. Karev…Alex…we just wanted to catch up with you. See how things were going.’
‘It’s all going good. Great, no worries at all…’
He shifted nervously in his seat and Miranda could see his eyes were all over the place.
‘…Sir,’ he added hastily confirming Miranda’s suspicion that he was not at all comfortable.
‘And how is the study going? We really need to look at organising a time for you to sit the intern exam, if you think you are ready of course.’
‘Uh, yeah…sure. Whenever’s fine really. Uh…so…I can come back to work then? Tomorrow maybe?’
Miranda’s gaze darted from Alex to Richard already knowing full well that he had no intention of allowing Alex to return yet.
‘Well, I don’t think you need to rush things Alex, you’ve only been home a few days and what you went through takes more than a few days to recover from.’
‘Well I’m fine but…okay, so…once I’ve done the exam then? I can come back after that?’
There was an unfamiliar edge to Alex’s voice that Miranda had not heard before. A hint of desperation and complete insecurity that ran through her veins like ice water and she had to deliberately stop herself from lurching to her feet and beating a hasty retreat.
‘Well, we can discuss that once we have your results but first there are a few other things we need to talk about.’
Miranda’s eyes slid sideways to gauge Alex’s reaction and found he was as white as the lab coat hanging on the door behind his silhouette and as she turned her own head fully to catch his profile she noticed it was difficult to determine where skin ended and fabric began. She wondered when that had happened. His left hand was clamped around the arm of the chair he was sitting on, his knuckles mirroring the white of his cheeks and lips.
‘Alex, have you given any thought to contacting your family, perhaps we can help facil…’
‘No.’
‘Alex?’
‘No, I’m not…shit…’ he inhaled a shuddering breath and pinched his eyes tightly closed for a split second.
‘Alex? It’s…’
‘No.’
His turned violently in his seat suddenly, the denim of his jeans grating on the worn leather of the chair as his eyes pierced Miranda’s, fiercely pleading with her despite the fact that it was the Chief who was speaking to him, Miranda had yet to say a word.
He swallowed visibly leaving Miranda mesmerised by the up and down motion of his adams apple though she knew instinctively that she was merely using it as a diversion from his eyes, his voice, this whole God awful situation.
A tap on the closed door behind them only served to intensify her agitation. She couldn’t help but notice the way Alex’s gaze immediately lowered to his hands, sitting clasped together in his lap, before shooting back up again, eyes wide with unbridled panic as the Chief welcomed the psychiatrist into the room and invited him to take a seat.
Alex gathered himself to stand, Miranda was so attuned to his movements she could sense the tensing of his muscles before his weight had actually shifted.
‘Alex.’
Her first word and it seemed to catch in her throat, as though her airway was not wide enough for the vowels and consonants to travel together and remain in order, side by side, one after the other. The effect was the word escaped as a bark, infinitely harsher than she intended and as he froze mid rise to stare at her she flinched involuntarily.
‘Alex…’ she tried again, softer this time and watched in hypnotised fascination as his expression morphed from startled shock to unbridled terror.
His lips parted and moved in slow motion please but whether it was a silent plea or she simply couldn’t hear over the rushing of her own blood in her ears there was no sound. She found that all the more desperate, as though it was meant just for her, as if he expected her to get him out of this, to save him. But she couldn’t even save herself from this one.
‘Alex, just…sit for a minute okay?’
His eyes had taken on a wild, animalistic quality and Miranda decided in that instant that Richard Webber was not the only person at Seattle Grace capable of causing her to question herself. For that one moment in time he was no longer Alex Karev, surgical intern, but a terrified child being forced to reconnect with his tormentor. She could almost see the point where he lost all semblance of control, it was quiet and had she not been looking she’s sure she would have missed it but there was a release, a snapping, a realisation, a memory. He was no longer influencing this situation, the direction his life was taking, the decisions that needed to be made and Miranda found herself wondering if perhaps that terrified him more than everything else put together.
He ignored her and continued to his feet, staggering slightly as his coat pocket hooked on the arm of the chair, flailing momentarily as he struggled to release it. Despite the fact that he’d risen to standing he appeared smaller to Miranda, as though he had melted into himself and was slowly disintegrating. She was afraid to look away in case, when she’s gathered the strength to turn back, he was gone completely.
‘Alex…’
The psychiatrist spoke this time, for the first time.
‘Dr. Bailey? What…please?’
And there it was, her un-doing, her end. She turned to the Chief.
‘Sir, perhaps we could re-schedule this? I don’t…’
He cut her off and moved to step around his desk, Miranda hadn’t even noticed him stand.
‘Alex, I really think you need…’
He wasn’t white any more, his skin had taken on a grey translucent edge and as he raised his hands to run them through his cropped hair Miranda could see they were trembling violently.
‘I don’t have anything to say.’
The words were released in a jumbled rush of determination, disbelief and fear. Of what Miranda couldn’t begin to know.
‘Alex…’
The psychiatrist tried again, closed the distance between himself and Alex who had moved to the wall, was shouldering it as though he needed to hold it up and not the other way round.
‘I just wanted to have a quick word, we can go to my office if you’d be more comfortable there.’
‘I don’t have anything to say.’
It was fiercer this time, steadfast.
There was a knock at the door, soft and, Miranda knew instinctively, female. She released a breath at this unexpected diversion and sank back slightly in her chair, welcoming the reprieve as the Chief called for whoever it was to enter. Alex was still pressed up against the wall, Phillip Rogers had taken a couple of steps back, increasing once again the distance his earlier steps had closed.
‘Chief, I…’
The door had been slowly swinging inwards, revealing the room and its occupants to the intruder. It stopped suddenly halfway through its arc as the figure froze in the doorway.
‘Alex?’
Meredith.
Miranda could see the relief pool in Alex’s complexion. From her position she had a clear view of his face but could not see Meredith still paused in the entrance however she could picture the confusion in her expression, could hear it in the way she said his name, using it as a question.
What’s going on?
Are you okay?
Want me to help?
Everything he wanted in one word. Everything she had been unable to offer him herself.