Keep Breathing 4/?
Title: Keep Breathing 4/?
Author: sgh_intern
Rating: Same as the show
Summary: Post 325 MerDer
Warning: ANGST ALERT!!... and a little tiny bit of swearing.
I'd like to thank all the people who've posted comments so far...it keeps my muse happy. If only Shonda had an lj account...you could have prevented so much misery!
Chapter Four
He’d got what he wanted, Meredith was in the same room as him, he could talk to her, try to fix it. So why was he not saying anything? She glared at him, if she could control her anger she could use it to protect them both.
“Is this the part when you say ‘shit or get off the pot’ or did you notice another pretty girl that you need to tell me about?” Derek looked at Meredith from across the room, not knowing why she was so angry and beginning to not care.
“Don’t put this all on me Meredith. We’ve been having problems for months. You’ve been pushing me away for months. You don’t talk to me about anything important, I don’t even know what specialty you’ve chosen…and then when you want sex you come running back and I’m supposed to be what, happy that you use me instead of spending money on batteries?”
“What about you! You hover and you shadow me then when I call you, you ignore me. You want me to communicate, you want me to breathe on my own. What the hell do you want Derek!”
“What I want? What I want…is to be in a relationship with a woman who’s not an emotionally stunted lunatic!” He yelled, startling them both. Meredith laughed bitterly, giggled in the broken way that she’d had so many years to perfect and Derek knew that when he’d lashed out in anger, however true his words had been, he’d hurt her. “Meredith…” She shook her head, she didn’t want his apology, he hadn’t said anything she didn’t agree with and she didn’t want to be comforted because she’d fall to pieces and he couldn’t see the black and spiky parts of her, she didn’t even want him seeing the dark and twisty parts of her.
“Emotionally stunted lunatic…guess I really am my mother’s daughter.” She laughed again but Derek could hear the tears in her voice and see them forming in her eyes before she turned and twisted the door handle. Nothing happened. “We’re locked in. Damn it.” Meredith turned round and leaned against the wall, shutting her eyes so she didn’t have to watch Derek watch the tears run down her face. “Damn it.” A sob escaped before she could stifle it and it brought Derek to her side. She felt his lips on her cheeks kissing away her tears, which only made her cry more.
A small hopeful part of her believed that together they could mend each other, Derek could repair the damage he and London and her parents had done to her and she could mend what she, Mark and Addison had broken, the bigger part of her was scared, scared of what Derek would think of black and spiky Meredith, terrified of what black and spiky Meredith might do to him. She had already hurt him, dark and twisty Meredith had tried to protect him and that had hurt him. Black and spiky Meredith would…Seattle couldn’t be another London. If she hurt Derek that way there would be nothing she could do to make it better, there would be no going back for them, for her. She couldn’t do it.
As much as she wanted, needed him to love her, she would let him go if it meant saving him from the kind of pain London caused. Meredith would tell him everything, she’d tell the truth and shame the devil, shame herself, show him how ugly she was on the inside, and make him look at her the way she looked at herself in the mirror after she saw what she’d done in London. She’d break their hearts to keep him from suffering that way.
“Let me go Derek.” He wasn’t touching her but he moved back anyway. She hadn’t opened her eyes but his scent had faded, his deodorant, her shower gel, overlaid with hospital soap and mixed with something uniquely him, the smell that vanished from her sheets when Addison showed up, that haunted her in elevators, that she couldn’t sleep without, the smell that she was going to remove from her life permanently. God this was going to be torture. She opened her eyes and looked at a point on the wall to the left of his shoulder. “You have to let me go.”
“I can’t.”
“You have to.”
“Tell me you don’t see a future for us, marriage…a family of our own.” Tears threatened to fall again. Family. It was the most painful word Meredith knew. A family with Derek…that was the dream right, finish her residency and make her own family, give her children, hers and Derek’s, all the love she never got, all the love she never had until Seattle, until Derek. She met his eyes, definitely a mistake, they were as close to overflowing as her own. “Tell me you don’t love me.”
“I do. I do love you. That’s why I’m ending this.” Derek was confused. Shouldn’t loving somebody make you stay with them?
“I don’t understand.” Meredith sighed and wiped her face. She was grateful to Bailey for leaving water but tequila would make this hurt a lot less.
“I know. I’ll try to explain but…the future I see for us, it isn’t good. We end up hating each other, I ruin your career which you resent me for, you flirt with other women constantly but you can’t bring yourself to sleep with any of them because that would make you Addison, you hate me for that too, I drink tequila more and more often, I drink it at work and when you point it out I snap and I hurt you. I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Meredith, you’ve already hurt me. You keep walking away, you won’t let me help you, you hurt me.”
“I don’t mean to. I’m trying to protect you.” Derek took a step forward and made a move to touch her. “Don’t, please Derek.” His hand dropped back down to his side but he didn’t move away.
“I’m a knight in shining whatever, I can look after myself. What are trying to protect me from?” He held her face in his hand and she let him, soon he wouldn’t want to touch her at all.
“Me. I’m protecting you from me, from black and spiky Meredith.” Some of the puzzle pieces fell into place. She only went to him when she was done putting herself back together, she didn’t want him to see her broken. “You don’t know me, I’m scary and damaged. You deserve to be with someone who isn’t an emotionally stunted lunatic. You’re free to flirt with any pretty women you notice, I’m letting you go.”
“No.”
“Derek…”
“You’ve had your say now it’s my turn to communicate. I shouldn’t have called you an emotionally stunted lunatic…”
“Even if it was true?”
“Even if it was true. I was angry and I’m sorry. I deserve to be with the woman I love, which is you. That means I’m not free to flirt with anyone but you. I might believe that you’re damaged but you’re not scary.”
“You don’t know me. You don’t know about London, what happened, what I’m capable of…you don’t want to know.”
“I do. I want to know everything about you. What are you capable of?” Meredith smiled sadly, savouring these last few seconds of togetherness before everything went to hell. She tried to remember their last kiss, she didn’t want to have to ask him again. When she couldn’t bring it immediately to mind she pressed her lips to Derek’s, kissing him so he felt it. She pulled him closer when he responded, deepening their kiss. When Meredith pulled away she was crying again. She walked away from Derek, putting his desk between them. “Meredith you’re scaring me. What is it?” Her lower lip quivered so she bit down on it until it stopped. She had to do this. Taking a deep breath she steeled herself and told him.
“In England they call it GBH.”
“What?”
“Grievous Bodily Harm.”
Thanks to ariaadagio for the phrase used to describe meredith which inspired most of this chapter.
Author: sgh_intern
Rating: Same as the show
Summary: Post 325 MerDer
Warning: ANGST ALERT!!... and a little tiny bit of swearing.
I'd like to thank all the people who've posted comments so far...it keeps my muse happy. If only Shonda had an lj account...you could have prevented so much misery!
Chapter Four
He’d got what he wanted, Meredith was in the same room as him, he could talk to her, try to fix it. So why was he not saying anything? She glared at him, if she could control her anger she could use it to protect them both.
“Is this the part when you say ‘shit or get off the pot’ or did you notice another pretty girl that you need to tell me about?” Derek looked at Meredith from across the room, not knowing why she was so angry and beginning to not care.
“Don’t put this all on me Meredith. We’ve been having problems for months. You’ve been pushing me away for months. You don’t talk to me about anything important, I don’t even know what specialty you’ve chosen…and then when you want sex you come running back and I’m supposed to be what, happy that you use me instead of spending money on batteries?”
“What about you! You hover and you shadow me then when I call you, you ignore me. You want me to communicate, you want me to breathe on my own. What the hell do you want Derek!”
“What I want? What I want…is to be in a relationship with a woman who’s not an emotionally stunted lunatic!” He yelled, startling them both. Meredith laughed bitterly, giggled in the broken way that she’d had so many years to perfect and Derek knew that when he’d lashed out in anger, however true his words had been, he’d hurt her. “Meredith…” She shook her head, she didn’t want his apology, he hadn’t said anything she didn’t agree with and she didn’t want to be comforted because she’d fall to pieces and he couldn’t see the black and spiky parts of her, she didn’t even want him seeing the dark and twisty parts of her.
“Emotionally stunted lunatic…guess I really am my mother’s daughter.” She laughed again but Derek could hear the tears in her voice and see them forming in her eyes before she turned and twisted the door handle. Nothing happened. “We’re locked in. Damn it.” Meredith turned round and leaned against the wall, shutting her eyes so she didn’t have to watch Derek watch the tears run down her face. “Damn it.” A sob escaped before she could stifle it and it brought Derek to her side. She felt his lips on her cheeks kissing away her tears, which only made her cry more.
A small hopeful part of her believed that together they could mend each other, Derek could repair the damage he and London and her parents had done to her and she could mend what she, Mark and Addison had broken, the bigger part of her was scared, scared of what Derek would think of black and spiky Meredith, terrified of what black and spiky Meredith might do to him. She had already hurt him, dark and twisty Meredith had tried to protect him and that had hurt him. Black and spiky Meredith would…Seattle couldn’t be another London. If she hurt Derek that way there would be nothing she could do to make it better, there would be no going back for them, for her. She couldn’t do it.
As much as she wanted, needed him to love her, she would let him go if it meant saving him from the kind of pain London caused. Meredith would tell him everything, she’d tell the truth and shame the devil, shame herself, show him how ugly she was on the inside, and make him look at her the way she looked at herself in the mirror after she saw what she’d done in London. She’d break their hearts to keep him from suffering that way.
“Let me go Derek.” He wasn’t touching her but he moved back anyway. She hadn’t opened her eyes but his scent had faded, his deodorant, her shower gel, overlaid with hospital soap and mixed with something uniquely him, the smell that vanished from her sheets when Addison showed up, that haunted her in elevators, that she couldn’t sleep without, the smell that she was going to remove from her life permanently. God this was going to be torture. She opened her eyes and looked at a point on the wall to the left of his shoulder. “You have to let me go.”
“I can’t.”
“You have to.”
“Tell me you don’t see a future for us, marriage…a family of our own.” Tears threatened to fall again. Family. It was the most painful word Meredith knew. A family with Derek…that was the dream right, finish her residency and make her own family, give her children, hers and Derek’s, all the love she never got, all the love she never had until Seattle, until Derek. She met his eyes, definitely a mistake, they were as close to overflowing as her own. “Tell me you don’t love me.”
“I do. I do love you. That’s why I’m ending this.” Derek was confused. Shouldn’t loving somebody make you stay with them?
“I don’t understand.” Meredith sighed and wiped her face. She was grateful to Bailey for leaving water but tequila would make this hurt a lot less.
“I know. I’ll try to explain but…the future I see for us, it isn’t good. We end up hating each other, I ruin your career which you resent me for, you flirt with other women constantly but you can’t bring yourself to sleep with any of them because that would make you Addison, you hate me for that too, I drink tequila more and more often, I drink it at work and when you point it out I snap and I hurt you. I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Meredith, you’ve already hurt me. You keep walking away, you won’t let me help you, you hurt me.”
“I don’t mean to. I’m trying to protect you.” Derek took a step forward and made a move to touch her. “Don’t, please Derek.” His hand dropped back down to his side but he didn’t move away.
“I’m a knight in shining whatever, I can look after myself. What are trying to protect me from?” He held her face in his hand and she let him, soon he wouldn’t want to touch her at all.
“Me. I’m protecting you from me, from black and spiky Meredith.” Some of the puzzle pieces fell into place. She only went to him when she was done putting herself back together, she didn’t want him to see her broken. “You don’t know me, I’m scary and damaged. You deserve to be with someone who isn’t an emotionally stunted lunatic. You’re free to flirt with any pretty women you notice, I’m letting you go.”
“No.”
“Derek…”
“You’ve had your say now it’s my turn to communicate. I shouldn’t have called you an emotionally stunted lunatic…”
“Even if it was true?”
“Even if it was true. I was angry and I’m sorry. I deserve to be with the woman I love, which is you. That means I’m not free to flirt with anyone but you. I might believe that you’re damaged but you’re not scary.”
“You don’t know me. You don’t know about London, what happened, what I’m capable of…you don’t want to know.”
“I do. I want to know everything about you. What are you capable of?” Meredith smiled sadly, savouring these last few seconds of togetherness before everything went to hell. She tried to remember their last kiss, she didn’t want to have to ask him again. When she couldn’t bring it immediately to mind she pressed her lips to Derek’s, kissing him so he felt it. She pulled him closer when he responded, deepening their kiss. When Meredith pulled away she was crying again. She walked away from Derek, putting his desk between them. “Meredith you’re scaring me. What is it?” Her lower lip quivered so she bit down on it until it stopped. She had to do this. Taking a deep breath she steeled herself and told him.
“In England they call it GBH.”
“What?”
“Grievous Bodily Harm.”
Thanks to ariaadagio for the phrase used to describe meredith which inspired most of this chapter.