Don't Even Want To Talk About It
Don’t Even Want To Talk About It
Chapter Ten: Waiting For The Sun
Word Count: 3400
Story Summary: Something from Alex’s past is stumbled upon by another intern with disastrous consequence.
Chapter Summary: Alex goes home.
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Alex was due to be released in twenty four hours but he deliberately checked himself out a day early and even more deliberately did it when he knew his fellow interns would be distractedly busy with rounds and patients and surgeries. He wanted nothing more than to leave the hospital and walk home and have a shower and go to bed because for all the sleeping he had done over the last eight days he still felt like he hadn’t slept in months. His departure went a little more smoothly than his last attempt for a number of reasons. Firstly he was no longer in intensive care so the supervision wasn’t as stringent. Secondly there were no reminders of his painful past sleeping in a chair beside his bed and lastly he no longer felt like someone was slamming a sledgehammer into the centre of his chest every time he moved.
It had only taken a moderate amount of sweet talking to get the nurse on duty to find his cardiologist and only a moderate amount of lying to convince said cardiologist that he was fine and would be better off at home than taking up much needed space here at the hospital. He knew he looked terrible, the eight days he’d spent laying flat on his back attached to a cumbersome machine had done little for his physique and he knew he’d lost weight when he got dressed into an old pair of jeans that should have fit snugly but now swam around his waist. He’d smiled ruefully at the excess material, thinking a few missing kilos was the least of his problems but if he could get people to focus on that then the rest of it, the less obvious stuff, he might just get away with.
Maybe.
Probably not.
With a bag full of medication (to slow his heart rate and thin his blood and mow the lawn and make the coffee, he thought dejectedly) discharge was sorted. As was the appointment he had with his cardiologist in two weeks time that he thought he would probably go to as well as the appointment with a psychologist for two days time which he had no intention what so ever of attending. Now all that had remained was a quick and quiet exit from the hospital grounds, which was the part he was most dreading. He prayed that if he ran into anyone it was Christina because she seemed to be avoiding him like the plague ever since their middle of the night moment, which was just fine with Alex, because he was already determined to pretend that it had never happened. At least he didn’t have to worry about James hovering around him. He had apparently left without even saying goodbye and while Alex was relieved to have that living, breathing reminder out of way again he couldn’t help but feel a bit abandoned.
His mother hadn’t even called.
Maybe she didn’t know.
He certainly wasn’t going to tell her.
The walk home had been refreshing and the cool air a welcome relief from the controlled atmosphere of the hospital room but in hindsight it was probably a bit too much a bit too soon. The last two blocks seemed to stretch on forever and by the time he reached the red front door of Meredith’s mother’s house his vision was starting to narrow and a throbbing had begun to develop behind his eyes that was pulsing in time with his erratic heart beat. He lowered himself wearily onto the cold concrete steps to regain some composure before even attempting to focus enough to get his front door key into the lock. God, heart attacks sucked. He must remember to be more sympathetic to his cardiac patients in the future.
He stood shakily and fished his keys from the front pocket of his backpack before stepping forward to unlock the door. He had the key poised when the door flung inwards to reveal a harried looking Izzie, her head almost inside her ridiculously huge handbag and about to bowl him over. ‘No, he’s not here…’
He took a quick step back to avoid the collision and waited for her to realise he was there. He felt his already elevated temperature rise even more as he figured she was talking about him not being there which obviously meant she had been sent to look for him, or had decided to do so of her own volition.
He didn’t know what was worse.
He did not need baby sitting.
‘Alex?’
She looked at him dumbly, almost as though she couldn’t believe he was right there even though home was obviously where she had first thought to look for him if she had made it there before he did, even if she had taken Meredith’s car.
‘Uh, yeah…’ he replied smoothly, even though he was fighting the urge not to scream in her face that he didn’t need checking up on.
‘Jesus Alex, why the hell didn’t you say you’d been released? How did you get here? I didn’t see a cab pull up, I could have…’
‘I walked,’ he stated calmly, evenly, belying his frustration and enjoying the shocked look of horror that crossed Izzie’s face.
‘You what? You walked? Oh my God…are you insane?’
He moved to push past her and into the house but felt something latch onto his backpack strap and spin him around harshly, his weakened state no match for a feisty Izzie Stevens.
‘God look at you…you’re white as a ghost.’
She moved to place the palm of her hand against his forehead but Alex was prepared this time and jerked backwards and out of her grasp. The move doing nothing for the pounding in his head but at least he was out of her reach now, if on the wrong side of the damn doorway.
‘Izzie…what the hell?’ he asked roughly, pretending he had no idea why she was so pissed and desperately hoping that his apparent confusion was enough to distract her from the fact that he placed one hand out sideways to lean against the side of the house because she was starting to sway in and out of focus and despite the fact that he had yet to eat anything that day he was dangerously close to vomiting on her shoes.
He obviously wasn’t convincing enough.
‘Alex?’
Her voice was questioning and slightly panicked that much he could tell. Exactly where it was coming from was another story entirely but he did vaguely remember what direction the open front door had been in the last time he could actually focus properly so he took what he hoped was a determined stride in that direction.
There step up into the house was slight but simply because Alex was Alex and any luck he may have been issued at conception was well and truly used up when his father tossed his mother down the stairs and she ended up delivering him, not breathing and under-developed at only twenty nine weeks and he lived to tell the tale, he tripped.
And would have face planted gracefully into the sideboard just inside the door had Izzie not grabbed him securely (and with only a slight protest from his almost healed ribs) and managed to steady him back onto his feet before almost immediately sinking to the hall floor with him as his knees buckled.
‘Shit Alex, what…’
He felt two fingers press into his neck and the pressure it caused seemed to amplify the pounding in his head. He raised a trembling hand to his mouth and felt himself being leant slowly against a hard surface. Whether it was the wall or the floor he had no idea because his eyes were squeezed resolutely shut and even the blackness seemed to be swirling around him making it impossible to tell up from down.
‘Alex…can you hear me?’
Izzie’s voice was distant and distorted.
‘Dizzy...’ he breathed, not trusting himself to say more than that for fear that his stomach would rebel any moment now.
‘Alex,’ a hand was pressed against his forehead, ‘do you feel sick?’
He dared to nod his head slightly, recoiling against the wave of pain and nausea it rippled through him.
‘Do you want me to help you to the bathroom or do you want to stay here for a bit longer?’
In his disoriented confusion he managed to whisper stay here at the same time he pulled his feet up under him in an attempt to stand. Eyes still closed he felt his arm being shifted around someone’s neck (Izzie’s he desperately hoped for he prayed there were no other witnesses to his little episode) as he was dragged jerkily to his feet.
He tried to push away from Izzie, realising that he must be far to heavy for her to lug around but she silenced his protestations by sliding her other arm around his waist securely before asking if he was ready. He remembered enough not to nod again and simply pushed one foot out in front of him as an answer. It probably took them two minutes to reach the downstairs bathroom but it felt like hours as Alex fought to control the roiling in his stomach.
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‘Well…that was fun,’ Alex muttered, closing his eyes and turning to lean his exhausted body against the side of the bathtub as Izzie reached up to flush the toilet.
‘Hey, I’m just glad it didn’t go all over me…for a minute there I wasn’t sure whether to keep helping or to leave you stranded in the hallway and save myself.’
Alex laughed half heartedly as Izzie continued.
‘Seriously Alex, in all my time in medicine…’
‘Yes, ‘coz you’re so old and experienced and all that…’ Alex countered.
‘Shut up, anyway…I’ve never actually seen someone go green before, not until now anyway…you were a regular ole’ Kermit the Frog for a minute there!’
Alex opened his eyes only to roll them sarcastically at Izzie before letting them slide closed again. He heard muffled movements before something cool and damp was placed across his forehead.
‘So feel any better yet?’ He felt fingers clamp around his right wrist as Izzie obviously wanted to check his pulse and his weak attempt to shake her off was met with a stern Alexander which had them both stiffening instantly.
‘Sorry…’
‘Don’t be, it is my name after all. Just not used to anyone besides my Mum and…well, besides my Mum…using it.’
‘It’s nice, makes you sound more distinguished…’
‘Not the way my parents used to use it…they only bought the Alexander out when I was in big trouble, which, come to think of it was most of the times they deigned to speak to me…’
The bitterness in his voice shocked him and he felt the need to cover it quickly with something else.
‘So anyway…we gonna sit here round the toilet bowl like we’re seventeen year olds at a house party or we gonna get the hell outta here?’
‘Alex?’
Izzie’s tone was questioning still, not prepared to move on from the subject of his parents as readily as he was.
‘Izz, I’m fine...’
She snorted, a sharp, short sound that sounded far too unrefined for Izzie Stevens to emit.
‘James said you’d say that…’
‘James? You talked to James?’
‘Yes I talked to James, he’s nice by the way. Cute. You should invite him back…’
‘What did he want?’
‘Nothing…he came, we talked, we drank juice, he left again…’
‘Juice huh? Run out of tequila?’
‘Haha…you’re funny…’
Alex opened his mouth to reply but it was cut off by a sudden scream from somewhere beyond the bathroom door.
‘Izzie? Alex? IZZIE?’
‘Shit…the door, it’s still wide open…your backpack…shit…my handbag…’
Izzie scurried to stand up, yelling to Meredith that she was coming. The shouted reply reverberated around the small bathroom and Alex winced as the dull pounding in his head upped a notch or two. He sighed with exhausted relief as Izzie disappeared out the doorway and leaned sideways until his cheek was pressed against the cool tile contemplating whether he had the energy to stand up and deciding it would be in his best interests to look a bit more alive when the girls returned.
Which they would do.
Any minute now.
Alex had just rinsed his mouth out with water from the bathroom tap when two faces appeared in the mirror behind him. He turned and leaned on his arms against the basin, a half smirk (it was all he could summon) plastered on his face and one eyebrow raised.
A glass of water and two round white pills were thrust in his direction without so much as an explanation. He eyed them dubiously.
‘Well well, it’s not every day two sexy babes join me in the bathroom…three maybe, sometimes four,’ he waggled his raised eyebrow a few times for effect, ‘but not two…’
Meredith appeared to pay no attention to his words, disappointing because it had taken him some time to plan. Instead she cocked her head to the side as though examining a curious unidentified specimen, concentration written across her face as she wriggled the proffered objects at him, indicating for him to take them and to hurry up about it.
He relented and accepted what he assumed was paracetamol, admitting to himself that they would deal with the headache that still persisted.
‘He still looks pale…what was his heart rate?’
‘About ninety, not that he let me do it properly…’
‘And he passed out?’
‘Yeah, briefly but he’ll deny that so don’t bother asking…’
Izzie had tilted her head, her expression and posture melting to match Meredith’s as she too regarded Alex with suspicion.
‘Ahh, hello…right here…I’m not deaf…’
Alex waved his hand in front of their faces; quickly growing tired of the fussing and worry.
He was fine.
‘I think his BP dropped suddenly, he was white as a ghost when I first found him, before he started the Kermit the Frog impersonation…’
‘Was there any chest pain?’
‘Not that he admitted to but…’
‘Stop it…’
‘There’s an old blood pressure machine in the hall cupboard, its one of those manual ones but it still works, well…I assume it does…I used to use it on my dolls…’
‘Stop it…’
‘I’ll go get it, you take him into the lounge room…’
‘I. Said. Stop. It.’
That got their attention.
Finally.
‘I am NOT your freakin’ doll…’
Alex stepped forward and pushed roughly between them, ignoring their startled cries of Alex and wait.
He took the stairs two at a time (a remarkable achievement all things considered he thought…) and managed to close his bedroom door behind him with the perfect balance of control and volume, almost a slam but not quite.
He slumped with relief onto his bed, relishing the familiar feel of the mattress he had lugged with him since Medical School.
His mattress.
Their mattress.
Back to his mattress again.
He took a deep breath in and slowly counted to ten before releasing it again. He could feel his heart beating, it seemed different now which he knew was ridiculous but he couldn’t shake the disconcerted feeling that had been building inside him ever since Doctor Burke had broken the news to him.
There was a soft knock on the door followed by a tentative Alex. He groaned and pulled the pillow out from under his head, clamping it down over his face before acknowledging Izzie with a muffled what?
He heard the door slide open and the light footsteps as Izzie obviously crossed the room. There was a moment of stillness before the mattress dipped and a weight settled beside him.
He kept the pillow clamped in place.
‘Alex?’
‘Izzie...’
‘Sorry about…we’re just worried about you…’
‘Don’t be…I’m fine…’
‘Alex, you’re not fine…fine people don’t spend eight days in hospital. They don’t vomit up nothing and they don’t pass out in hallways after walking a few blocks…’
‘I didn’t pass out.’
‘Alex…’
The pillow was pulled away and he decided not to fight it. Izzie, equal parts apologetic and stubborn, gazed down at him. There was something dusty in her lap and it took Alex a moment to place it.
The bloody blood pressure machine.
He groaned again and rolled away to face the wall.
‘Alex, if you’re fine then this won’t be a problem…’
Izzie obviously guessed what caused his reaction and Alex silently cursed her for making a good, rational point. He stuck his left arm back and out in front of her but refused to roll back over.
‘Knock yourself out.’
The cuff was slid up his arm and Alex heard the familiar puffs as Izzie wordlessly inflated device. Something cold and flat was placed at the crook of his elbow and he dared a peek to see what she was up to. A stethoscope. Bloody hell, she was a regular Florence Nightingale.
‘Did you get that out of Meredith’s dolls house too?’
Izzie rolled her eyes at him but didn’t reply her attention obviously turned to the pounding of his blood in her ears.
‘What’s the verdict?’
The voice came from somewhere over Izzie’s shoulder and Alex closed his eyes while silently wondering how long she had been standing there. Probably as long as Izzie had been tending to him.
‘If you two are going to play nurse the least you could do is wear the uniform…’
Alex’s attempt to distract them (a good one he thought) went by unacknowledged as instead Izzie turned to face a still out of view Meredith.
‘Still a bit low and pulse is 82 so better but still not great. I can’t believe they released him…’
‘Izzie…again…please stop with the pretending like I’m not even in the room…I can hear everything you say…’
‘I know you can but I get the distinct impression that I could say your pulse was two fifty and your BP non-existent and you really wouldn’t care all that much so me and Meredith…we’ll do the caring for you. You can just lay there and put up with it, this…’ she waved her arms around for effect, ‘is what friends do…well, friends with medical degrees anyway…’
‘Izzie…I’m…’
‘Alex I swear to God, if you say you’re fine one more time I’ll put this damn cuff around your neck…’
He slid his eyes open tentatively at the determined heat in her words. She was staring at him fiercely and even had her accusing pointer finger out and flailing in his direction for good measure.
‘…Like I said…friends with medical degrees…you can’t fool us…’
Alex sighed in resignation and reached a hand up to grab at the aforementioned finger, closing his fist around it and pulling her down onto the bed beside him so that her head was resting on the soft part of his shoulder.
‘I know. I’m a terrible patient, a terrible friend, a terrible person…’
Izzie sat up suddenly and planted a flattened hand on the centre of Alex’s chest.
‘Alex Karev, you are not a terrible person, or a terrible friend. I’ll give you the terrible patient part ‘coz that you definitely are…but the rest is a load of crap and you know it.’
Izzie stood the rest of the way, finally revealing a silent Meredith still leaning in the doorway.
‘We are going to make some lunch, which you are going to eat…all of it…and then we are going back to the hospital and you are going to sleep and you are going to stay asleep until we get back and wake you up for dinner. Right?’
Alex nodded too tired and slightly dumbfounded by her audacity to argue back, a move which visibly shocked Izzie too as she looked set to repeat her demands before catching herself and clamping her mouth shut with a clink of teeth and a slight nod of her head.
‘Well…good,’ she finished, always needing the final say before turning and following Meredith’s exit from the room.
Alex shut his eyes again and bent one arm across his closed lids. Is this how it was going to be from now on? Constantly smothered by his female housemates, he dreaded to think what life would be like when (if?) he was allowed back to the hospital. Pushing the thoughts doggedly from his mind he sat up slowly, acknowledging Izzie was probably right about the blood pressure situation as the room faded out once before settling while he stood to follow the girls out into the kitchen for lunch.
He should probably mention that to the cardiologist.
Maybe.
Probably not.
He’ll just say he’s fine.
Because if he says it enough times maybe it will become the truth.
Alex heard her say into the depths of the cavernous accessory and as she straightened up he could see the rectangle of a silver cell phone pressed between her shoulder and her chin.