(no subject)
Title: Can't Fight the Moonlight
Author: Savinglives44
Rating: R
Summary: Sequel to Right Kind of Wrong. Addison has a problem and it's up to the doctors at Seattle Grace to help her before it's too late.
Warning: Deals with rape and self-injury
( Chapter 1: No One's Gonna Be Around )
( Chapter 2: You Think That You Won't Fall )
( Chapter 3: It'll Steal Your Heart Tonight )
Disclaimer: See Chapter 1
THANK YOU SWEETNARCOSIS!
Can’t Fight the Moonlight
Chapter 4: Deep in the Dark
Previously on Can’t Fight the Moonlight:
Addison's shoulders were shaking and she gagged on her sobs. A nurse was bound to come in at any second. She could NOT be seen like this. "Derek." she whines.
He has hold of both of her hands and he won't let go. " Addison, tell me."
Her head lowers and her hair covers her eyes. She knows that mascara must be unattractively dripping down her face. "Derek. You have to believe me. I didn't- It wasn't me who- did this."
He patiently waited for her to continue. She just needs to let it out.
"Derek. Something horrible happened to me."
And just as she was about to tell him, the door clicked open.
It was Callie, who didn’t notice Derek as she turned around to shut the door behind her. “I could use a cons-” She stopped mid-sentence. What is Shepherd doing, standing that close to her? After all the jealousy and pain, you’d think he’d grow some brain and stay away!
Then, her face softened as she saw the tears in Addison’s eyes. “Are you okay? What’s going on?”
Addison stares at the floor, unable to answer. She’s afraid that if she talks, she might slip and secrets just might come pouring out of her. As a semi-comforting distraction, she admires the tiles of the nursery floor. They are white, pure, and perfectly square. It doesn’t surprise Addison that just looking at them relaxes her. She begins to count them, focusing her eyes on the neat, straight lines. 1…2…3…
Derek’s pager beeps. He swears under his breath and motions for Callie to come closer so he can whisper to her. “Watch her, will you? I’ll be right back.” Callie nods and he rubs Addison’s shoulder.
Callie appears hesitant as she approaches Addison. “So, what’s up?” She sticks her hands in the back pockets of her scrubs when she saunters over. “So, what’s up?”
Addison remains glassy-eyed and silent.
Why is she ignoring me? “ Addison? Is something wrong?”
“Oh. Sorry. Nothing.” Addison replies in a monotone voice. Her eyes run up and down the rows of tiles. 33…34…35…
Okay. Something about her is definitely off. Callie laughs nervously. “You know you can’t lie to me. I don’t believe you for a minute. Spill.” Callie smiles, hoping her friendly tone will loosen the tension hanging in the air.
Addison steps back and pushes herself onto a nearby counter. She swings her legs and tilts her head so her hair forms a curtain over her face. Callie places a hand on Addison’s knee, trying to read her facial expressions through the sheet of red. “Come on, you can tell me.”
Addison brushes her hair away and finally looks at Callie.
Callie swallows. She’s never seen Addison’s eyes so dark and magnified by tears. It was like looking into the deepest league of the ocean, an intricate cerulean secret. Even after Addison had to deliver the stillborn, her eyes were light and her composure remained strong. But now, she’s so torn apart that Callie couldn’t help but look away.
Addison notices Callie’s trouble. Great. My best friend can’t even see me like this. Who have I become? She grips the counter so her knuckles turn white. This wasn’t supposed to happen. No one was supposed to notice. Every muscle in her body tightens and her jaw clenches. Callie pats her knee. “Relax, Addison. You can get through this.”
Addison squeezes her eyes shut and Callie panics . . . What’s wrong with her? Is it a panic attack? There are no signs…but she’s flipping out! “ Addison, come on, relax.”
Callie can feel the tension radiating from Addison’s body. She’s not breathing. What should I do? Callie places her hands on Addison’s upper arms, getting ready to shake her out of her current mental state. But before, Callie can make a move, the door opens again. It’s Alex, reporting for duty.
Alex quickly realizes that he won’t be operating any time soon. Why is Callie holding her like that? He pulls her forward on the counter until he can wrap his arms around her. He nestles her head into the crook of his neck. “Please stop crying, Addie. I’m right here.” Alex breathes deeply, waiting for her response. Don’t reject me, Addison. Please.
Addison feels his chest rise and fall. She moves her arms up and down Alex’s sides to reassure him. He needs to calm down. I shouldn’t cause so much trouble. He’s missing rounds and it’s all my fault. “It’s okay, Alex. I’m fine. I was just upset about a patient.”
Alex pulls away to look at her. “That’s all?” He looks down at her forearms and she pulls them back self-consciously, but Alex keeps a tight grip on her hips. “It seems like there may be more to it.” I need her to open up to me.
Alex brushes a hair out of her, and she can feel his fingers on her skin even moments after he rests them back on her waist. He’s worked so hard for me. I should give him a little bit of my time. He doesn’t need to find out anything. We’ll just talk. She turns to Callie. "Could you excuse us for a sec?" Her misty eyes plead with Callie and, of course, Callie gives in.
"I just needed a...never mind." They look like they could use a little extra time together. There are other pediatric surgeons in this hospital. Callie leaves, shutting the door behind her.
Alex kisses her and she draws back, removing his hands from her. His touch reminds her of the incredible guilt she feels. Another man had sex with me. Alex isn’t going to take the news well…if I ever tell him. I understand now, why it’s so hard for- Addison can’t even think the word- victims to come clean with the truth. Look at his unhappy face. Now that’s my fault too.
Her actions trouble Alex and he frowns. Addison loves to cuddle. "What's wrong, babe? Can I fix something?"
He can't fix me. Why doesn't he understand? Addison feels like screaming in his face. Can't you see how bad it hurts?!
Addison scolds herself for thinking such a thing. Alex didn't do anything wrong. It's unfair to reject him because he couldn't read her mind.
But if he would just look, just pay attention. He's already seen the scars. Why hasn't he done anything? He's just like Derek. Derek knew and he chose not to do anything. It’s so hard to think about. The indifference. His ignorance. It still pains her. Especially that first time…
It was Christmas Day, a holiday she normally loved. But for the past couple of years, Addison had slowly fallen into a pit of despair, caused by Derek’s sudden indifference to her life. On this Christmas Day, the red and green blinking lights glared menacingly at her. Addison’s head pounded and she knew that only Derek could help her. But, nowadays, he seemed to live in the OR where a continuous stream of craniotomies satisfied his fierce desire to operate. Addison fled to a dark supply closet, but her lungs still remained tight and unwilling to give more than just a small breath. After entering the supply closet, she doesn’t remember much. Just the glint of the scalpel. And the dark red of her blood, which pleased her because it was so different from the obnoxious red Christmas lights. She can’t recollect who pulled her out of the supply closet. It certainly wasn’t Derek, who had refused to see her until the surgery was over. Even after he took her home, the incident was never mentioned again.
And it’s about to happen again. Alex seems willing to ignore the scars and her pain.
Why won't he just look at me and DO something? Please Alex. She wanted to beg him. Don't ignore me.
But Addison could be an actress with how well she keeps a straight, blank face as the thoughts run through her head. I just have to get away. She places her hands on corresponding sides of his chest to keep a distance between them.
Her behavior scares Alex. He pushes her knees apart to stand as close to her body as possible. He brings his cheek to hers and whispers. "Addie, I can help you. Don't worry. I won't tell anyone else, okay? It's just you and me. You don't have to worry."
No, No, No, NO! He's getting it all wrong! She breathes heavily against him and bites down on her lip hard. Why can't I just tell him?
Alex feels confused and helpless. Usually, he was intuitive when it came to the emotions and thoughts of women. But with Addison, he can’t get any more clueless. She just takes that effect on him.
I just need to know how to respond to her. Am I making it worse? What does she want from me? I'll give her anything. Well, mostly, but I’ll do my best. If she would only tell me what's wrong..."It's okay, Addison."
Addison shook her head, bumping his chin.
Just then, Derek charges in, flinging the door open. Addison and Alex turn their heads to look at him as he clumsily closes and locks the door. "I'm sorry. I tried to hurry-"
He stopped, noticing the position of Addison and Alex. Derek's face remains expressionless as he begins to take in the atmosphere. He reacts a moment later. "Oh! Sorry to interrupt but..." Derek stands still, not sure if he should stay or leave. Addison pushes Alex away and hops off of the counter, watching Derek. The back of her knees scrapes against the edge of the counter. She reflexively reaches down to rub the irritated skin, allowing her shirt to rise up while exposing the bruises on her back to Alex. Alex notices, but his mouth remains clamped shut.
Alex’s eyes meet Derek’s and Derek smiles half-heartedly. “I just wanted to talk to Addison." His eyes trail towards her. “Are you okay?”
Alex straightens up. Jeez. Why can't he leave her alone? "I told you. We're fine." he declares and claims his territory by stepping in front of her.
“No,” comes a weak voice from behind him, thick with tears. She wants to be fine, wants to pretend she’s fine, everything’s easier when she’s fine. But she can’t hold it back, not that. It’s too much.
At that moment, Derek decides to stay in the nursery. I should at least stay until I know she's okay." He moves his body to stare at her, apprehensive at the recurring thought of Addison harming herself again. " Addison. You said there was something else."
Addison starts backing away from both of them and chews on the nail of her thumb. She’s only bitten her nails twice in her life before: while taking the MCAT’s and the night that Derek left. She knows it a disgusting habit, but now the nerve-wrecking feeling is back, and ripping out her cuticles somehow makes her feel better. She doesn’t know how she got into this mess, or why they suddenly care. This isn't happening. I started it, I can end it, how do I back out?
Alex turns to face her. "There's something else?" He starts to close in on her, but Derek holds him back. "Give her some space."
They wait for a few minutes, watching Addison slowly lose control. It's incredibly painful for all three of them. She breaks down, closing a hand over her mouth to muffle the sobs. Hot tears sting in her eyes. A few tears escape, and leave burning trails down her cheeks. Addison immediately wipes them away and the moisture left evaporates on her cheeks. Stop crying! It only makes things worse. They’ll think I’m upset, but I just can’t tell them. I can’t!
Addison presses her palms flat against her temples and she can almost feel the blood pounding in her head. Her stomach clenches and she wraps an arm around her abdomen to calm herself. She wedges herself in the corner of the room, pressing her body into the rough wallpaper surrounding her. But the pain isn’t enough to relieve the pressure in her head.
Alex’s hand twitches. He wants to pull her out of this hell she’s living in so badly. But he can’t. Shepherd is right for once. I’m only making it worse. Alex flexes the muscles in his fingers and clutches the fabric of his scrub pants. He needs something to hold onto or else he’ll just pull her into his arms and upset her even more.
Derek stands in front of Alex, partially blocking Alex’s view of Addison. He tilts his head, painfully watching the most confident woman he knows lose control. It makes his heart ache, not in love, but in sympathy and regret. I should have- should have…so many things. Really, this is my fault. She shouldn’t be unhappy because I wouldn’t give her the time of day. She deserves better. Derek’s neck twists to catch a glimpse of Alex. Alex’s eyes water and his whole body tenses at the sight of Addison gasping for breath. She deserves him. He’s suffering because I told him it was the right thing to do. Derek quietly steps aside.
Alex doesn’t notice that Derek has moved until Derek speaks. “Go ahead. She needs you.”
Alex shakes his head. “No. She doesn’t want me.” His eyes don’t leave Addison.
Derek moves closer to Alex and stands in front of him, facing away from Addison. “Look at me, Karev.” Alex’s eyes bounce between Derek and Addison, complying to Derek’s request while keeping an eye on Addison. Derek allows this and doesn’t block his line of sight to Addison. “She wants you. Trust me. She won’t pull away this time. She’s too far gone.”
Alex murmurs a thank you. He reaches for Addison just as she collapses in his arms. He helps her to her feet and sits her in a stretcher nearby. He sits beside her and pulls her legs up to rest on his lap. She’s not quite sitting on top of him, but he’s close enough to run his fingers soothingly through her hair. "Addison." he says softly. "Shhh..."
Alex surprises Derek by motioning for him to sit on the other side of her. Alex realizes that as much as Addison needs him, she needs Derek too.
"It was so awful" Addison whispers. Alex and Derek share a look. Finally, she’s going to tell them. They’re moving forward.
"What was?" Derek asks. He prays silently that it’s nothing too terrible, but to be honest, he knows that only something horrid can cause such a disturbance to Addison’s confident facade.
Addison shakes her head while leaning her back into Derek’s chest and tangling her hands in Alex's shirt.
Derek speaks calmly. "Addie, you have to tell us if you need help. You know from experience that this is the hardest part."
Addison's fingers dig into Alex's body, but he isn't bothered by the pain. He just rubs her arms soothingly. "We're here for you."
I can’t do this. I can’t tell them. Addison twists her neck to bury her face into Derek's shoulder. Ahh. He’s so warm and his scent so comforting. It reminds me of New York. Now that I think about it, the whole situation is ironic. I lived in New York City for nearly all my life and never once was raped or violently threatened. I guess this shows me something about Seattle. It took my husband and my dignity and I have nothing left. She tried to say something, but all Alex and Derek could hear was muffled sounds through the fabric of Derek’s scrubs. Alex touches her jaw and turns her face into the sterile air. "Can you say that again, Addie? I'm sorry."
Addison looks down at the floor again, wanting to disappear between the cracks. She sniffles and looks back at Alex. "He- he" she stutters. Derek scooted closer to her and her next few words were almost inaudible. "He...attacked me."
Feelings of rage and sorrow overwhelm Alex, but he knows that he couldn't fall apart at a time like this. He just hugs her with one hand pressed in between her shoulder blades and the other arm wrapped around her waist. He would never let anyone touch her like that again. At least she’s safe now, here with me.
Distressed, Derek stood up and started pacing the room. He supposed he would have to be the responsible one. He was no longer Addison's husband or boyfriend. He was her friend. Boyfriends comforted the victims in some situations. The best friend called the police and, in this case, led her to an appropriate exam room. But first, he has to know more. He doesn’t want to know, but he has to know, he needs to make sure. Derek hopes that he has misunderstood her, but somehow he knows that’s not the case…
It’s just so difficult to approach her. She looks awful, looked terrified and vulnerable. Derek catches her eye over Alex's shoulder. He smiles as kindly as possible. " Addison. I'm sorry. I just need to know. This man, he..." Derek's voice trailed off and his eyes traveled to the ceiling. I have to do this. But it's so hard! It shouldn’t be this hard. It's just a word. Just one word. Spit it out. Like ripping the stitches. No anesthesia.
He remembered that night at the trailer, remembered ripping out the stitches . . . Oh, God. I can't do this. I can't ask her. It's Addison for crying out loud. This doesn’t happen to people like her, I shouldn't have to do this. Okay. On the count of three. 1...2...3..."He raped you?"
Alex, who had previously been silent, chokes at Derek's harsh words. Was that really necessary? He feels Addison nod and hears Derek's footsteps move away from them. It sounds like Derek had stumbled from the shock. Alex can’t blame him; if he hadn't been holding on to Addison, he would be curled up on the floor right now. He grips Addison tighter, but then releases a little when he felt her struggle for breath.
Derek regains balance and clears his throat. How could this happen? And I was worried about the cutting. I never realized that there was a greater issue. "When?"
"Last night." Addison whimpers. God. I’m so glad they’re here and it’s them asking these questions and not some random police officer. I don’t understand how others could do this without the support I have right now. Sitting in a cold hospital and describing the worst experience of your life along? I can’t imagine it.
Derek furrows his brow. Maybe the rape wasn’t the underlying cause of her cutting, as expected. But I'll worry about it. He noticed Alex move a little. Didn't he notice last night? They’ve been living together, surely he would have seen a difference in her behavior.
Alex pressed his lips to Addison's shoulder. "God, Addie. I'm so sorry. I should have done something last night. I swear, I noticed you. I knew something happened. I was just so scared...it was selfish of me. I'm sorry. I love you so much."
Alex. I don’t blame you. Addison just rubs her face in Alex's shoulder. "I love you too."
Derek shifts his weight. He knows that both Alex and Addison need more time, but it would really be best for her if they got her into an exam room as quickly as possible. " Addison, you need get an exam."
Addison immediately rejects the idea and firmly grasped Alex Alex grasps Alex’s shoulders, holding on tight. "No. It's too late. I've already showered." Again, Alex is angry with himself for ignoring her.
Derek frowns at this news. She knows that you're not supposed to do that.
"I know. I know." Addison said, reading his mind. "But I just had to get every single cell of him off of me and out of me. I know it's hard for you to understand-"
Alex interrupts her. "It's okay, Addison. You don't have to explain. But he’s right and we do need to run tests. And you'd be more comfortable in a private room."
Suddenly aware of her surroundings, Addison agreed. She parted with Alex, but only for a moment. Alex placed a hand on her back and another behind her knees. "Would you like me to carry you?"
Addison moves away. "Nah. I can walk. I'm still a little sore. Do I look okay? Like normal?”
No. Alex thinks. She won’t leave unless I say she does though. "Yes, of course. You look beautiful." Alex tries to appear more optimistic, but he can't seem to shake off the ominous cloud looming over them. He settles for holding her hand and leads her out of the room, pulling her quickly to an exam room right down the hall. Thank God. No one saw.
Derek waits before following them; he doesn’t want this to look any more suspicious. While waiting in the nursery, he looks at his mascara-stained sleeve of his scrubs and sighs. This is going to be a long day.
Hmmm. That was exhausting. But it should be worth it.
Thank you sweetnarcosis for offering your thoughts and editing it!!! I hope you like it.
I might take a break from this for a week or so. I really need to write something a little lighter. It's Addek, mostly. A series of specific snapshots in their life, all intertwined by a common theme. No, I'm not going to tell you what the common theme is. I sort of already have it planned out. I don't know. Maybe I'll save it for after this story. We'll see.
My brain is too tired to write an acceptable author's note.
Thank you my babies!! (Friends, anyone?)
Author: Savinglives44
Rating: R
Summary: Sequel to Right Kind of Wrong. Addison has a problem and it's up to the doctors at Seattle Grace to help her before it's too late.
Warning: Deals with rape and self-injury
( Chapter 1: No One's Gonna Be Around )
( Chapter 2: You Think That You Won't Fall )
( Chapter 3: It'll Steal Your Heart Tonight )
Disclaimer: See Chapter 1
THANK YOU SWEETNARCOSIS!
Can’t Fight the Moonlight
Chapter 4: Deep in the Dark
Previously on Can’t Fight the Moonlight:
Addison's shoulders were shaking and she gagged on her sobs. A nurse was bound to come in at any second. She could NOT be seen like this. "Derek." she whines.
He has hold of both of her hands and he won't let go. " Addison, tell me."
Her head lowers and her hair covers her eyes. She knows that mascara must be unattractively dripping down her face. "Derek. You have to believe me. I didn't- It wasn't me who- did this."
He patiently waited for her to continue. She just needs to let it out.
"Derek. Something horrible happened to me."
And just as she was about to tell him, the door clicked open.
It was Callie, who didn’t notice Derek as she turned around to shut the door behind her. “I could use a cons-” She stopped mid-sentence. What is Shepherd doing, standing that close to her? After all the jealousy and pain, you’d think he’d grow some brain and stay away!
Then, her face softened as she saw the tears in Addison’s eyes. “Are you okay? What’s going on?”
Addison stares at the floor, unable to answer. She’s afraid that if she talks, she might slip and secrets just might come pouring out of her. As a semi-comforting distraction, she admires the tiles of the nursery floor. They are white, pure, and perfectly square. It doesn’t surprise Addison that just looking at them relaxes her. She begins to count them, focusing her eyes on the neat, straight lines. 1…2…3…
Derek’s pager beeps. He swears under his breath and motions for Callie to come closer so he can whisper to her. “Watch her, will you? I’ll be right back.” Callie nods and he rubs Addison’s shoulder.
Callie appears hesitant as she approaches Addison. “So, what’s up?” She sticks her hands in the back pockets of her scrubs when she saunters over. “So, what’s up?”
Addison remains glassy-eyed and silent.
Why is she ignoring me? “ Addison? Is something wrong?”
“Oh. Sorry. Nothing.” Addison replies in a monotone voice. Her eyes run up and down the rows of tiles. 33…34…35…
Okay. Something about her is definitely off. Callie laughs nervously. “You know you can’t lie to me. I don’t believe you for a minute. Spill.” Callie smiles, hoping her friendly tone will loosen the tension hanging in the air.
Addison steps back and pushes herself onto a nearby counter. She swings her legs and tilts her head so her hair forms a curtain over her face. Callie places a hand on Addison’s knee, trying to read her facial expressions through the sheet of red. “Come on, you can tell me.”
Addison brushes her hair away and finally looks at Callie.
Callie swallows. She’s never seen Addison’s eyes so dark and magnified by tears. It was like looking into the deepest league of the ocean, an intricate cerulean secret. Even after Addison had to deliver the stillborn, her eyes were light and her composure remained strong. But now, she’s so torn apart that Callie couldn’t help but look away.
Addison notices Callie’s trouble. Great. My best friend can’t even see me like this. Who have I become? She grips the counter so her knuckles turn white. This wasn’t supposed to happen. No one was supposed to notice. Every muscle in her body tightens and her jaw clenches. Callie pats her knee. “Relax, Addison. You can get through this.”
Addison squeezes her eyes shut and Callie panics . . . What’s wrong with her? Is it a panic attack? There are no signs…but she’s flipping out! “ Addison, come on, relax.”
Callie can feel the tension radiating from Addison’s body. She’s not breathing. What should I do? Callie places her hands on Addison’s upper arms, getting ready to shake her out of her current mental state. But before, Callie can make a move, the door opens again. It’s Alex, reporting for duty.
Alex quickly realizes that he won’t be operating any time soon. Why is Callie holding her like that? He pulls her forward on the counter until he can wrap his arms around her. He nestles her head into the crook of his neck. “Please stop crying, Addie. I’m right here.” Alex breathes deeply, waiting for her response. Don’t reject me, Addison. Please.
Addison feels his chest rise and fall. She moves her arms up and down Alex’s sides to reassure him. He needs to calm down. I shouldn’t cause so much trouble. He’s missing rounds and it’s all my fault. “It’s okay, Alex. I’m fine. I was just upset about a patient.”
Alex pulls away to look at her. “That’s all?” He looks down at her forearms and she pulls them back self-consciously, but Alex keeps a tight grip on her hips. “It seems like there may be more to it.” I need her to open up to me.
Alex brushes a hair out of her, and she can feel his fingers on her skin even moments after he rests them back on her waist. He’s worked so hard for me. I should give him a little bit of my time. He doesn’t need to find out anything. We’ll just talk. She turns to Callie. "Could you excuse us for a sec?" Her misty eyes plead with Callie and, of course, Callie gives in.
"I just needed a...never mind." They look like they could use a little extra time together. There are other pediatric surgeons in this hospital. Callie leaves, shutting the door behind her.
Alex kisses her and she draws back, removing his hands from her. His touch reminds her of the incredible guilt she feels. Another man had sex with me. Alex isn’t going to take the news well…if I ever tell him. I understand now, why it’s so hard for- Addison can’t even think the word- victims to come clean with the truth. Look at his unhappy face. Now that’s my fault too.
Her actions trouble Alex and he frowns. Addison loves to cuddle. "What's wrong, babe? Can I fix something?"
He can't fix me. Why doesn't he understand? Addison feels like screaming in his face. Can't you see how bad it hurts?!
Addison scolds herself for thinking such a thing. Alex didn't do anything wrong. It's unfair to reject him because he couldn't read her mind.
But if he would just look, just pay attention. He's already seen the scars. Why hasn't he done anything? He's just like Derek. Derek knew and he chose not to do anything. It’s so hard to think about. The indifference. His ignorance. It still pains her. Especially that first time…
It was Christmas Day, a holiday she normally loved. But for the past couple of years, Addison had slowly fallen into a pit of despair, caused by Derek’s sudden indifference to her life. On this Christmas Day, the red and green blinking lights glared menacingly at her. Addison’s head pounded and she knew that only Derek could help her. But, nowadays, he seemed to live in the OR where a continuous stream of craniotomies satisfied his fierce desire to operate. Addison fled to a dark supply closet, but her lungs still remained tight and unwilling to give more than just a small breath. After entering the supply closet, she doesn’t remember much. Just the glint of the scalpel. And the dark red of her blood, which pleased her because it was so different from the obnoxious red Christmas lights. She can’t recollect who pulled her out of the supply closet. It certainly wasn’t Derek, who had refused to see her until the surgery was over. Even after he took her home, the incident was never mentioned again.
And it’s about to happen again. Alex seems willing to ignore the scars and her pain.
Why won't he just look at me and DO something? Please Alex. She wanted to beg him. Don't ignore me.
But Addison could be an actress with how well she keeps a straight, blank face as the thoughts run through her head. I just have to get away. She places her hands on corresponding sides of his chest to keep a distance between them.
Her behavior scares Alex. He pushes her knees apart to stand as close to her body as possible. He brings his cheek to hers and whispers. "Addie, I can help you. Don't worry. I won't tell anyone else, okay? It's just you and me. You don't have to worry."
No, No, No, NO! He's getting it all wrong! She breathes heavily against him and bites down on her lip hard. Why can't I just tell him?
Alex feels confused and helpless. Usually, he was intuitive when it came to the emotions and thoughts of women. But with Addison, he can’t get any more clueless. She just takes that effect on him.
I just need to know how to respond to her. Am I making it worse? What does she want from me? I'll give her anything. Well, mostly, but I’ll do my best. If she would only tell me what's wrong..."It's okay, Addison."
Addison shook her head, bumping his chin.
Just then, Derek charges in, flinging the door open. Addison and Alex turn their heads to look at him as he clumsily closes and locks the door. "I'm sorry. I tried to hurry-"
He stopped, noticing the position of Addison and Alex. Derek's face remains expressionless as he begins to take in the atmosphere. He reacts a moment later. "Oh! Sorry to interrupt but..." Derek stands still, not sure if he should stay or leave. Addison pushes Alex away and hops off of the counter, watching Derek. The back of her knees scrapes against the edge of the counter. She reflexively reaches down to rub the irritated skin, allowing her shirt to rise up while exposing the bruises on her back to Alex. Alex notices, but his mouth remains clamped shut.
Alex’s eyes meet Derek’s and Derek smiles half-heartedly. “I just wanted to talk to Addison." His eyes trail towards her. “Are you okay?”
Alex straightens up. Jeez. Why can't he leave her alone? "I told you. We're fine." he declares and claims his territory by stepping in front of her.
“No,” comes a weak voice from behind him, thick with tears. She wants to be fine, wants to pretend she’s fine, everything’s easier when she’s fine. But she can’t hold it back, not that. It’s too much.
At that moment, Derek decides to stay in the nursery. I should at least stay until I know she's okay." He moves his body to stare at her, apprehensive at the recurring thought of Addison harming herself again. " Addison. You said there was something else."
Addison starts backing away from both of them and chews on the nail of her thumb. She’s only bitten her nails twice in her life before: while taking the MCAT’s and the night that Derek left. She knows it a disgusting habit, but now the nerve-wrecking feeling is back, and ripping out her cuticles somehow makes her feel better. She doesn’t know how she got into this mess, or why they suddenly care. This isn't happening. I started it, I can end it, how do I back out?
Alex turns to face her. "There's something else?" He starts to close in on her, but Derek holds him back. "Give her some space."
They wait for a few minutes, watching Addison slowly lose control. It's incredibly painful for all three of them. She breaks down, closing a hand over her mouth to muffle the sobs. Hot tears sting in her eyes. A few tears escape, and leave burning trails down her cheeks. Addison immediately wipes them away and the moisture left evaporates on her cheeks. Stop crying! It only makes things worse. They’ll think I’m upset, but I just can’t tell them. I can’t!
Addison presses her palms flat against her temples and she can almost feel the blood pounding in her head. Her stomach clenches and she wraps an arm around her abdomen to calm herself. She wedges herself in the corner of the room, pressing her body into the rough wallpaper surrounding her. But the pain isn’t enough to relieve the pressure in her head.
Alex’s hand twitches. He wants to pull her out of this hell she’s living in so badly. But he can’t. Shepherd is right for once. I’m only making it worse. Alex flexes the muscles in his fingers and clutches the fabric of his scrub pants. He needs something to hold onto or else he’ll just pull her into his arms and upset her even more.
Derek stands in front of Alex, partially blocking Alex’s view of Addison. He tilts his head, painfully watching the most confident woman he knows lose control. It makes his heart ache, not in love, but in sympathy and regret. I should have- should have…so many things. Really, this is my fault. She shouldn’t be unhappy because I wouldn’t give her the time of day. She deserves better. Derek’s neck twists to catch a glimpse of Alex. Alex’s eyes water and his whole body tenses at the sight of Addison gasping for breath. She deserves him. He’s suffering because I told him it was the right thing to do. Derek quietly steps aside.
Alex doesn’t notice that Derek has moved until Derek speaks. “Go ahead. She needs you.”
Alex shakes his head. “No. She doesn’t want me.” His eyes don’t leave Addison.
Derek moves closer to Alex and stands in front of him, facing away from Addison. “Look at me, Karev.” Alex’s eyes bounce between Derek and Addison, complying to Derek’s request while keeping an eye on Addison. Derek allows this and doesn’t block his line of sight to Addison. “She wants you. Trust me. She won’t pull away this time. She’s too far gone.”
Alex murmurs a thank you. He reaches for Addison just as she collapses in his arms. He helps her to her feet and sits her in a stretcher nearby. He sits beside her and pulls her legs up to rest on his lap. She’s not quite sitting on top of him, but he’s close enough to run his fingers soothingly through her hair. "Addison." he says softly. "Shhh..."
Alex surprises Derek by motioning for him to sit on the other side of her. Alex realizes that as much as Addison needs him, she needs Derek too.
"It was so awful" Addison whispers. Alex and Derek share a look. Finally, she’s going to tell them. They’re moving forward.
"What was?" Derek asks. He prays silently that it’s nothing too terrible, but to be honest, he knows that only something horrid can cause such a disturbance to Addison’s confident facade.
Addison shakes her head while leaning her back into Derek’s chest and tangling her hands in Alex's shirt.
Derek speaks calmly. "Addie, you have to tell us if you need help. You know from experience that this is the hardest part."
Addison's fingers dig into Alex's body, but he isn't bothered by the pain. He just rubs her arms soothingly. "We're here for you."
I can’t do this. I can’t tell them. Addison twists her neck to bury her face into Derek's shoulder. Ahh. He’s so warm and his scent so comforting. It reminds me of New York. Now that I think about it, the whole situation is ironic. I lived in New York City for nearly all my life and never once was raped or violently threatened. I guess this shows me something about Seattle. It took my husband and my dignity and I have nothing left. She tried to say something, but all Alex and Derek could hear was muffled sounds through the fabric of Derek’s scrubs. Alex touches her jaw and turns her face into the sterile air. "Can you say that again, Addie? I'm sorry."
Addison looks down at the floor again, wanting to disappear between the cracks. She sniffles and looks back at Alex. "He- he" she stutters. Derek scooted closer to her and her next few words were almost inaudible. "He...attacked me."
Feelings of rage and sorrow overwhelm Alex, but he knows that he couldn't fall apart at a time like this. He just hugs her with one hand pressed in between her shoulder blades and the other arm wrapped around her waist. He would never let anyone touch her like that again. At least she’s safe now, here with me.
Distressed, Derek stood up and started pacing the room. He supposed he would have to be the responsible one. He was no longer Addison's husband or boyfriend. He was her friend. Boyfriends comforted the victims in some situations. The best friend called the police and, in this case, led her to an appropriate exam room. But first, he has to know more. He doesn’t want to know, but he has to know, he needs to make sure. Derek hopes that he has misunderstood her, but somehow he knows that’s not the case…
It’s just so difficult to approach her. She looks awful, looked terrified and vulnerable. Derek catches her eye over Alex's shoulder. He smiles as kindly as possible. " Addison. I'm sorry. I just need to know. This man, he..." Derek's voice trailed off and his eyes traveled to the ceiling. I have to do this. But it's so hard! It shouldn’t be this hard. It's just a word. Just one word. Spit it out. Like ripping the stitches. No anesthesia.
He remembered that night at the trailer, remembered ripping out the stitches . . . Oh, God. I can't do this. I can't ask her. It's Addison for crying out loud. This doesn’t happen to people like her, I shouldn't have to do this. Okay. On the count of three. 1...2...3..."He raped you?"
Alex, who had previously been silent, chokes at Derek's harsh words. Was that really necessary? He feels Addison nod and hears Derek's footsteps move away from them. It sounds like Derek had stumbled from the shock. Alex can’t blame him; if he hadn't been holding on to Addison, he would be curled up on the floor right now. He grips Addison tighter, but then releases a little when he felt her struggle for breath.
Derek regains balance and clears his throat. How could this happen? And I was worried about the cutting. I never realized that there was a greater issue. "When?"
"Last night." Addison whimpers. God. I’m so glad they’re here and it’s them asking these questions and not some random police officer. I don’t understand how others could do this without the support I have right now. Sitting in a cold hospital and describing the worst experience of your life along? I can’t imagine it.
Derek furrows his brow. Maybe the rape wasn’t the underlying cause of her cutting, as expected. But I'll worry about it. He noticed Alex move a little. Didn't he notice last night? They’ve been living together, surely he would have seen a difference in her behavior.
Alex pressed his lips to Addison's shoulder. "God, Addie. I'm so sorry. I should have done something last night. I swear, I noticed you. I knew something happened. I was just so scared...it was selfish of me. I'm sorry. I love you so much."
Alex. I don’t blame you. Addison just rubs her face in Alex's shoulder. "I love you too."
Derek shifts his weight. He knows that both Alex and Addison need more time, but it would really be best for her if they got her into an exam room as quickly as possible. " Addison, you need get an exam."
Addison immediately rejects the idea and firmly grasped Alex Alex grasps Alex’s shoulders, holding on tight. "No. It's too late. I've already showered." Again, Alex is angry with himself for ignoring her.
Derek frowns at this news. She knows that you're not supposed to do that.
"I know. I know." Addison said, reading his mind. "But I just had to get every single cell of him off of me and out of me. I know it's hard for you to understand-"
Alex interrupts her. "It's okay, Addison. You don't have to explain. But he’s right and we do need to run tests. And you'd be more comfortable in a private room."
Suddenly aware of her surroundings, Addison agreed. She parted with Alex, but only for a moment. Alex placed a hand on her back and another behind her knees. "Would you like me to carry you?"
Addison moves away. "Nah. I can walk. I'm still a little sore. Do I look okay? Like normal?”
No. Alex thinks. She won’t leave unless I say she does though. "Yes, of course. You look beautiful." Alex tries to appear more optimistic, but he can't seem to shake off the ominous cloud looming over them. He settles for holding her hand and leads her out of the room, pulling her quickly to an exam room right down the hall. Thank God. No one saw.
Derek waits before following them; he doesn’t want this to look any more suspicious. While waiting in the nursery, he looks at his mascara-stained sleeve of his scrubs and sighs. This is going to be a long day.
Hmmm. That was exhausting. But it should be worth it.
Thank you sweetnarcosis for offering your thoughts and editing it!!! I hope you like it.
I might take a break from this for a week or so. I really need to write something a little lighter. It's Addek, mostly. A series of specific snapshots in their life, all intertwined by a common theme. No, I'm not going to tell you what the common theme is. I sort of already have it planned out. I don't know. Maybe I'll save it for after this story. We'll see.
My brain is too tired to write an acceptable author's note.
Thank you my babies!! (Friends, anyone?)