Showing Up
Title: Showing Up
Author: scatteroflight
Rating: PG
Summary: Derek shows up. Post 3.24 "Testing 1, 2, 3..." One shot.
Long after Izzie and Callie have passed out - Callie on the couch, Izzie curled up in a chair - Cristina helps Meredith gather empty margarita glasses and carry them into the kitchen. They’re both buzzed, but not drunk. Cristina insisted that if she can’t have a hangover tomorrow, then neither can Meredith. Still, the alcohol that is in Meredith’s system is making her feel warm and languid and carries away the lingering feeling of hurt she’s dragged along with her all day. Once the glasses are in the sink, Meredith sits at the kitchen table, playing with a placemat.
“What Izzie said earlier,” she begins, playing with the fringe along the edge of the mat. “About how if you didn’t have it, you’d miss it… I think I miss it.”
Cristina drops into a chair opposite Meredith’s.
“What? You have it.”
Meredith shakes her head. “No,” she says, the alcohol emboldening her. “I don’t think I do.”
“Oh, God,” Cristina groans. “More McDreamy crap?”
“He’s trying,” Meredith whispers. “I can see him trying. But I don’t… I can’t… why can’t I?”
“You’re asking me?” Cristina asks incredulously. “Me, Meredith?”
Meredith sighs heavily. “I think that I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.”
“That’s my girl: glass half empty.”
“I’m serious,” Meredith says. She starts to roll the placemat, worrying it with her fingers.
“You know what I think you need?” Cristina asks, getting up from her chair.
“Tequila?” Meredith asks hopefully.
Cristina shakes her head. “I think you need to be all introspective and shit. Hey! You could write down all your feelings about how much you love Derek, right here on this pad of paper.” She tosses a legal pad that was previously sitting on the island towards Meredith.
Meredith laughs. “I am not writing your vows for you, Cristina.”
“Fine,” Cristina grumbles. “I’ll be up half the night, then. What kind of bride will I be?”
“One who is used to existing on zero sleep,” Meredith says matter-of-factly. “Come on, we’ll get up early and I’ll help you.”
They trek upstairs and climb into Meredith’s bed. Before long, Cristina turns to Meredith.
“Am I doing the right thing?” she whispers in the dark.
“What?”
“It’s cold feet, right? Tell me it’s cold feet.”
“It’s cold feet,” Meredith says dutifully.
“You think so?”
Meredith sighs. “Yeah, Cristina. I do. Go to sleep.”
Cristina rolls over to her side and Meredith tries to follow her own advice, but the time ticks by slowly and she ends up watching patterns slide across the wall and dance across the ceiling as cars pass by outside. One lingers longer than normal and Meredith strains to hear as it turns into her driveway and the engine is cut. A few minutes later, there is the heavy thump, thump, thump of footfalls on the stairs and then the door creaks as it opens.
“Hey,” he says, sensing that she’s awake without getting visual confirmation.
“Hi,” she says.
Beside her, Cristina groans and pulls a pillow over her head. This doesn’t dissuade Derek.
“Cristina,” he says. She doesn’t move. He tries again. “Yang.”
“Don’t you have a trailer or something?” she asks from beneath the pillow.
“I need to talk to Meredith,” he says.
Meredith shakes her head. “It’s late, Derek. I’m tired. I just need to be alone.”
“No, you don’t. You’re not alone,” he points out. “And you’re not going to be. It’s just that I’ll be here, and Cristina will be in one of the other bedrooms.”
“Seriously?” Cristina asks, flinging the pillow away. “I’m getting married tomorrow!”
“I know that,” Derek says. “But you’ll sleep much better if you’re not in here. Trust me.”
Cristina sits up. “Just keep the volume on the screaming orgasms down, okay?”
She climbs out of bed and stomps off toward the door, disappearing beyond it a second later.
Derek takes off his shoes and climbs into bed next to Meredith, still dressed. She frowns at him.
“What are you doing?”
“Getting into bed,” he says, stating the obvious.
“In your clothes?”
He shrugs. “I don’t plan on doing a lot of sleeping.”
“Derek…”
“Meredith,” he says, stopping her. “I am Burke’s best man.”
“Oh?” she says, surprised. “I didn’t know. When did that happen?”
“Today,” he says. He sighs. “You were kind of busy.”
“Yeah,” she agrees. Her thoughts take a decidedly dark and twisty turn.
“I’m Burke’s best man,” Derek continues, forcing her out of her self-absorption to listen to him. “And as his best man, it was my job to throw him a bachelor party. So I gathered together the attendings, and we went to Joe’s.”
Meredith nods, fear of the unknown at where this story is leading twisting into a knot in her stomach.
“There was a woman,” Derek reveals.
Fear does a double loop.
“Oh,” Meredith manages, her mouth dry. She swallows around the lump in her throat.
“She offered to buy me a drink,” he continues. “And it would have been so easy, Meredith. It shouldn’t be this hard.”
“Derek…”
“Shhh,” he says, cutting her off again. “Just listen, please.” He shakes his head, needing a moment to gather his thoughts before he begins.
“Today was a horrible day. I know that. I know that you had to say goodbye to a woman who in a really short period of time was more of a mother to you than your own mother was. I wanted to be there for you, for that. I offered. But you declined, and I let you do that because I thought you needed space. You told me that it was something that you needed to do on your own, so I let you. And then Thatcher showed up at the hospital, and he said what he said, and you didn’t tell me. You didn’t let me in, you didn’t let me help.”
“Derek,” Meredith protests. “There is nothing that you could have done.”
He shakes his head. “That’s not true. I could have been there, Meredith. I could have just been with you. I wouldn’t ask you a million questions, and I wouldn’t force you to talk. I would have just been there. But you didn’t come to me. You pushed me away, just like you did the other night, when Susan died. Just like you did when your mom said you were ordinary. Just like you always do.”
“I just needed time alone to process it,” Meredith defends herself.
“And the test?” he questions her. “I know about that, too. How did I find out, Meredith?”
She shrugs, suddenly consumed with overwhelming guilt. “I don’t know.”
“George.”
She blinks. “George?”
“He told me that you didn’t write a thing on your exam, and that he’d gone to Webber to find out if there was anything that he could do.”
Meredith grows irritated with the way that the tears are prickling her eyes.
“Who asked him?” she snaps.
“They were worried about you,” Derek says simply. “I was worried about you.”
“I’m fine.”
“No,” he says. “You’re not. Your mom died, your stepmother died, your father turned you away, and you blanked on the biggest test of your professional life. You’re not fine, Meredith, and we’re not fine. I’m not fine. I wanted to say yes. To the girl in the bar. I wanted to say yes.”
The tears that have been threatening Meredith force their way forward, trembling on her lower lashes. It’s still dark enough in the room that if she turns her head, he won’t see them spilling down her face. As long as she’s silent, he won’t know.
She looks away.
There’s a long silence, and then Derek reaches out, cupping her chin. He turns her back to face him and his thumbs come up to wipe away the tears.
“I want you, Mer,” he whispers urgently. “But I’m so tired. I’m so tired of feeling like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.”
Meredith presses her lips together to keep them from trembling, but the tremours move from her mouth to her shoulders and she shivers violently.
He pulls her closer, wrapping his arms around her and pressing a kiss against her crown.
“I love you,” he says. “I love you, Meredith. But you won’t let me, and I need you to let me. I need you to let me in.”
“I’m trying,” she says.
“No, you’re not. I keep trying to reach you, but you don’t want me.”
“I do!” she insists. “Derek…” His name comes out as a strangled moan, and without warning, the floodgates open, and she’s sobbing, crying so hard that her head hurts and she can’t breathe.
“Everyone leaves,” she says when she’s caught her breath again. “Everyone. They die, or they choose their wives, or they go and start a new family.”
She’s exhausted, and wants to sleep if only to escape this day, but Derek is holding her and she can’t get out of his grasp.
“Everyone leaves,” she repeats.
“I’m here,” he says.
“You won’t be,” she says. “There will be another girl in the bar.”
“I didn’t have the drink,” he says. “I couldn’t. I wanted to, but I couldn’t.”
“I’m an albatross,” Meredith says. “It’s okay, Derek. You can take it off.”
“I don’t want to,” he says firmly. “I want you more than I wanted the easy way out. Maybe it’s masochistic of me, but I want you. I just want you. I’m staying.” As if to prove his point, he sheds his clothing and settles beneath the covers, pulling her to him, his body warm against hers.
“Sleep,” he says. He brushes her hair back, and kisses her forehead. “I’ll be here in the morning, Meredith. I’m showing up, and I’m staying.”
The tension ebbs away and she melts into him and closes her eyes, and the lights stop dancing across the ceiling.
Author: scatteroflight
Rating: PG
Summary: Derek shows up. Post 3.24 "Testing 1, 2, 3..." One shot.
Long after Izzie and Callie have passed out - Callie on the couch, Izzie curled up in a chair - Cristina helps Meredith gather empty margarita glasses and carry them into the kitchen. They’re both buzzed, but not drunk. Cristina insisted that if she can’t have a hangover tomorrow, then neither can Meredith. Still, the alcohol that is in Meredith’s system is making her feel warm and languid and carries away the lingering feeling of hurt she’s dragged along with her all day. Once the glasses are in the sink, Meredith sits at the kitchen table, playing with a placemat.
“What Izzie said earlier,” she begins, playing with the fringe along the edge of the mat. “About how if you didn’t have it, you’d miss it… I think I miss it.”
Cristina drops into a chair opposite Meredith’s.
“What? You have it.”
Meredith shakes her head. “No,” she says, the alcohol emboldening her. “I don’t think I do.”
“Oh, God,” Cristina groans. “More McDreamy crap?”
“He’s trying,” Meredith whispers. “I can see him trying. But I don’t… I can’t… why can’t I?”
“You’re asking me?” Cristina asks incredulously. “Me, Meredith?”
Meredith sighs heavily. “I think that I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.”
“That’s my girl: glass half empty.”
“I’m serious,” Meredith says. She starts to roll the placemat, worrying it with her fingers.
“You know what I think you need?” Cristina asks, getting up from her chair.
“Tequila?” Meredith asks hopefully.
Cristina shakes her head. “I think you need to be all introspective and shit. Hey! You could write down all your feelings about how much you love Derek, right here on this pad of paper.” She tosses a legal pad that was previously sitting on the island towards Meredith.
Meredith laughs. “I am not writing your vows for you, Cristina.”
“Fine,” Cristina grumbles. “I’ll be up half the night, then. What kind of bride will I be?”
“One who is used to existing on zero sleep,” Meredith says matter-of-factly. “Come on, we’ll get up early and I’ll help you.”
They trek upstairs and climb into Meredith’s bed. Before long, Cristina turns to Meredith.
“Am I doing the right thing?” she whispers in the dark.
“What?”
“It’s cold feet, right? Tell me it’s cold feet.”
“It’s cold feet,” Meredith says dutifully.
“You think so?”
Meredith sighs. “Yeah, Cristina. I do. Go to sleep.”
Cristina rolls over to her side and Meredith tries to follow her own advice, but the time ticks by slowly and she ends up watching patterns slide across the wall and dance across the ceiling as cars pass by outside. One lingers longer than normal and Meredith strains to hear as it turns into her driveway and the engine is cut. A few minutes later, there is the heavy thump, thump, thump of footfalls on the stairs and then the door creaks as it opens.
“Hey,” he says, sensing that she’s awake without getting visual confirmation.
“Hi,” she says.
Beside her, Cristina groans and pulls a pillow over her head. This doesn’t dissuade Derek.
“Cristina,” he says. She doesn’t move. He tries again. “Yang.”
“Don’t you have a trailer or something?” she asks from beneath the pillow.
“I need to talk to Meredith,” he says.
Meredith shakes her head. “It’s late, Derek. I’m tired. I just need to be alone.”
“No, you don’t. You’re not alone,” he points out. “And you’re not going to be. It’s just that I’ll be here, and Cristina will be in one of the other bedrooms.”
“Seriously?” Cristina asks, flinging the pillow away. “I’m getting married tomorrow!”
“I know that,” Derek says. “But you’ll sleep much better if you’re not in here. Trust me.”
Cristina sits up. “Just keep the volume on the screaming orgasms down, okay?”
She climbs out of bed and stomps off toward the door, disappearing beyond it a second later.
Derek takes off his shoes and climbs into bed next to Meredith, still dressed. She frowns at him.
“What are you doing?”
“Getting into bed,” he says, stating the obvious.
“In your clothes?”
He shrugs. “I don’t plan on doing a lot of sleeping.”
“Derek…”
“Meredith,” he says, stopping her. “I am Burke’s best man.”
“Oh?” she says, surprised. “I didn’t know. When did that happen?”
“Today,” he says. He sighs. “You were kind of busy.”
“Yeah,” she agrees. Her thoughts take a decidedly dark and twisty turn.
“I’m Burke’s best man,” Derek continues, forcing her out of her self-absorption to listen to him. “And as his best man, it was my job to throw him a bachelor party. So I gathered together the attendings, and we went to Joe’s.”
Meredith nods, fear of the unknown at where this story is leading twisting into a knot in her stomach.
“There was a woman,” Derek reveals.
Fear does a double loop.
“Oh,” Meredith manages, her mouth dry. She swallows around the lump in her throat.
“She offered to buy me a drink,” he continues. “And it would have been so easy, Meredith. It shouldn’t be this hard.”
“Derek…”
“Shhh,” he says, cutting her off again. “Just listen, please.” He shakes his head, needing a moment to gather his thoughts before he begins.
“Today was a horrible day. I know that. I know that you had to say goodbye to a woman who in a really short period of time was more of a mother to you than your own mother was. I wanted to be there for you, for that. I offered. But you declined, and I let you do that because I thought you needed space. You told me that it was something that you needed to do on your own, so I let you. And then Thatcher showed up at the hospital, and he said what he said, and you didn’t tell me. You didn’t let me in, you didn’t let me help.”
“Derek,” Meredith protests. “There is nothing that you could have done.”
He shakes his head. “That’s not true. I could have been there, Meredith. I could have just been with you. I wouldn’t ask you a million questions, and I wouldn’t force you to talk. I would have just been there. But you didn’t come to me. You pushed me away, just like you did the other night, when Susan died. Just like you did when your mom said you were ordinary. Just like you always do.”
“I just needed time alone to process it,” Meredith defends herself.
“And the test?” he questions her. “I know about that, too. How did I find out, Meredith?”
She shrugs, suddenly consumed with overwhelming guilt. “I don’t know.”
“George.”
She blinks. “George?”
“He told me that you didn’t write a thing on your exam, and that he’d gone to Webber to find out if there was anything that he could do.”
Meredith grows irritated with the way that the tears are prickling her eyes.
“Who asked him?” she snaps.
“They were worried about you,” Derek says simply. “I was worried about you.”
“I’m fine.”
“No,” he says. “You’re not. Your mom died, your stepmother died, your father turned you away, and you blanked on the biggest test of your professional life. You’re not fine, Meredith, and we’re not fine. I’m not fine. I wanted to say yes. To the girl in the bar. I wanted to say yes.”
The tears that have been threatening Meredith force their way forward, trembling on her lower lashes. It’s still dark enough in the room that if she turns her head, he won’t see them spilling down her face. As long as she’s silent, he won’t know.
She looks away.
There’s a long silence, and then Derek reaches out, cupping her chin. He turns her back to face him and his thumbs come up to wipe away the tears.
“I want you, Mer,” he whispers urgently. “But I’m so tired. I’m so tired of feeling like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.”
Meredith presses her lips together to keep them from trembling, but the tremours move from her mouth to her shoulders and she shivers violently.
He pulls her closer, wrapping his arms around her and pressing a kiss against her crown.
“I love you,” he says. “I love you, Meredith. But you won’t let me, and I need you to let me. I need you to let me in.”
“I’m trying,” she says.
“No, you’re not. I keep trying to reach you, but you don’t want me.”
“I do!” she insists. “Derek…” His name comes out as a strangled moan, and without warning, the floodgates open, and she’s sobbing, crying so hard that her head hurts and she can’t breathe.
“Everyone leaves,” she says when she’s caught her breath again. “Everyone. They die, or they choose their wives, or they go and start a new family.”
She’s exhausted, and wants to sleep if only to escape this day, but Derek is holding her and she can’t get out of his grasp.
“Everyone leaves,” she repeats.
“I’m here,” he says.
“You won’t be,” she says. “There will be another girl in the bar.”
“I didn’t have the drink,” he says. “I couldn’t. I wanted to, but I couldn’t.”
“I’m an albatross,” Meredith says. “It’s okay, Derek. You can take it off.”
“I don’t want to,” he says firmly. “I want you more than I wanted the easy way out. Maybe it’s masochistic of me, but I want you. I just want you. I’m staying.” As if to prove his point, he sheds his clothing and settles beneath the covers, pulling her to him, his body warm against hers.
“Sleep,” he says. He brushes her hair back, and kisses her forehead. “I’ll be here in the morning, Meredith. I’m showing up, and I’m staying.”
The tension ebbs away and she melts into him and closes her eyes, and the lights stop dancing across the ceiling.