Bring me to life
Title: Bring me to life
Author: lysangelle
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Rating: NC17
Summary: Callie has a second chance at being there for Arizona and comfort her after a hard loss.
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
A/N: The love of my life, who volunteered to beta my writing efforts (she’s so brave!) suggested I try writing a story at the first person. So, Tori, this one is for you, love. JTM
This story was written before 6x17 “Push” was aired but was stuck, at beta stage, in my GF’s busy schedule for a couple of weeks.
A/N: There will angst and mention of child abuse (nothing graphic though)
This is my first attempt at NC17 (graphic though LOL)
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Life is like a cloud when you think about it. Sometimes it’s a high fluffy one, allowing the blue sky to show and the sun to warm you up. Sometimes it’s dark and low, lead like making you feel like the whole world is going to collapse on you.
I know about clouds and rain, I mean I’m an ortho surgeon in a Seattle’s hospital after all.
Some times a blue sky turns stormy in the space of a blink. All you can do is withstand it until the sun comes back and the blue reappears.
For me, the worse storms are always the ones that, at times, alter the sky-blue of my lover’s eyes. On those occasions I’d do anything to bring back the spark of sun in those beautiful blue eyes. Anything.
My hand is combing through blonde hair as my love is dozing, half of her body still on top of me. Her face is buried in the crock of my neck, her still lightly rushed breathing caressing my skin making me shiver. I think back over the events that led us here, in our bed. Naked and sweaty for the second time in a short while. Feeling even closer from overcoming another tough spot and sharing more of ourselves with each other.
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“Damn slow day.” I mumble as I pick up another chart from the pile with a sigh. I find a semi quiet spot in the lounge to try and catch up with paperwork. I hate paperwork. And I hate slow days because they don’t give me any excuses to procrastinate about catching up on paperwork!
The only reason I’m not totally frustrated about having to be at work, on a verrrrrry slow day, instead of at home, is the brief meetings I’ve been having with my gorgeous girlfriend.
I laughed as I think back to the last time she paged me, and how I spilled an almost full cup of coffee in my hurry to just go and join her. I hope Bailey never learns who really left that big mess in the lounge…. And that the bruise on her butt isn’t too painful. Among all the people to slip and fall on my mess, it had to be her!
I check my pager for the umpteenth time, hoping for another message from my blonde spitfire, even though I know she’s in surgery.
Operating on a small boy they brought earlier. One of those cases that makes you want to chance jobs, if not more, to break every bone in a man. A man who thinks he can use his kids as punching bags.
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Three hours before
I barely have time to get inside the peds ward’s on-call room when a small solid body collides with mine. Suddenly I’m pushed against the still half open door that slams closed in the process.
My burst of laughter is brutally interrupted by Arizona’s mouth finding mine.
I moan into the kiss as I feel one of her hand grabs a handful of my hair and the other finds the door’s handle, locking us in.
“You’re such a top!” I giggled against her lips as she wraps her arms around my shoulders. She locks her hands together under the hair at the nape of my neck and presses her body against mine.
“Only with you.” My blonde lover whispers as I look into her sky-blue eyes, loving the spark in them.
“Oh yeah?” I can’t resist teasing her, “Meaning?”
Arizona dimples flash before she gives me a seductive look, “Meaning I never wanted anyone as badly as I want you. And no one has ever turned me on as easily as you do, with just a look.”
I groan at her words, unable to stop the silly grin growing on my face as I hear her laugh.
“Besides,” she starts again, tilting her head to one side in an inquisitive way, “I was missing you, what took you so long?”
I look at her with what I’m sure is a dumbfound look on my face, “What took me so long?! I was here in…” Turning my head to the watch loosely hanging from her left wrist. “Seven minutes!” I finish incredulously.
“I rest my case!” Arizona exclaims with a shrug.
“Hey! I had to be stealthy to avoid Bailey!” I defend myself, not that I feel I really have to. I just love our banter too much to drop it. “Have you seen her since our last huh… meeting?”
“No,” the blonde woman in my arms chuckles, “can’t say I have, I must have been lucky.”
“Yes you were!” I answer before lowering my voice to a conspiratorial tone.
“She’s walking the hospital’s hallways right now, limping, and ranting about slobs who can’t clean up their messes. Not to mention how she’s planning to cut their balls off and barbecue them to feed to her dog.”
Arizona burst out laughing before pointing out, “She doesn’t have a dog, Calliope.”
“Well it’s the last part of her rant,” I add seriously, “something about having to go to the SPCA to get herself a puppy. I think I heard the word Rottweiler in the grunting.”
I smile happily as my girlfriend succumbs to a loud giggling fit.
“You have nothing to worry about beautiful, you don’t have any balls, except for the proverbial ones, that is.” She chuckles after calming down some.
“Oh good thing!” I answer with a laugh.
“Well yeah or we wouldn’t be here doing this.” Arizona purrs in my ear.
I clear my throat, trying to find a smart answer to that. “What? You mean you wouldn’t love me if I had a three pieces set? You’re surprising me, Arizona!”
“Sorry to disappoint, Calliope, but no I wouldn’t, unless it was made out of silicone.” The blonde little imp that is my girlfriend deadpans.
*Pang*
Was that the sound of my jaw hitting the floor?
I feel myself blush despite my dark complexion. My impression of a goldfish must be amazing because my girlfriend is now roaring with laughter, her forehead resting on my shoulder.
One day I’ll win one of those bantering chats I’m always having with her. But seeing today won’t be that day I decide to use another method, trying to move us to the bed.
She stops laughing as I try to manoeuvre us away from the door. She doesn’t miss a beat though. Using her smaller body and surprise to push me back forcefully against the wood panel.
“I’m not done with you.” My blonde bombshell explains with a devilish smile.
God, that woman loves to slam me against walls!
And who am I to complain?!
I’m about to answer with one of my best ever repartee, namely a squealed ‘you’re not?’, when her pager goes off.
“Damn!” Arizona exclaims her hand reaching for the pager hooked to her waistband.
“It’s a 911, I have to go.” She pouts, looking at me regretfully.
“I’m going with you.” I decide, disappointed that our time together is coming to an end.
She smiles her agreement and we both push away from the door to head to the ER.
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Dr Hunt heads toward us in what looks like a slightly defeated pace as soon as he spots us making our way to the ER nurses’ station,
“Hey Owen,” Arizona greets him with a wide smile, “what do you have for me?”
I watch with a tender grin as the red-haired man smiles warmly to my lover. I know Owen has a soft spot for her, in a big brother kind of way. Can’t really blame him, can I?
His smile disappears quickly though as he hands a chart to Arizona.
“Kendrick Richard, five years old, admitted for numerous bruises and wounds, supposedly from falling out of a tree.”
I feel my lover’s body tense instantly as I silently gasp myself. The both of us understanding what Owens’ “supposedly” stands for.
“He’s pretty calm, almost unresponsive, but he refuses to let any of us examine him.”
“Thanks, I’ll take care of it.” Arizona says with a serious look on her beautiful face. I can almost feel the moment she’s turns on one of her coping mechanisms.
She turns to me with a hopeful look, “Could you join me? He might need to be checked for fractures.”
We both know it’s an excuse and that she just needs me with her but I don’t care. I need to be with her just as much. Irrationally I think that maybe I can protect her from the pain, my soft hearted, girlfriend is bound to feel at this kid’s bedside.
When we enter the examination room, Arizona leading the way, the little boy turns his head toward us. I wonder once more how someone can deliberately hurt a child, especially such a cute kid.
His pale face, round with baby fat, is surrounded by short blonde curls. His blue eyes are dull and weary at the appearance of even more adults, bound to be there to prod him. If not worse.
Arizona takes over with a gentle smile and walks to the gurney. She leans until she’s level with the chid.
“Hi Kendrick, I’m Dr Robbins but you can call me Dr Arizona. This is my friend, Dr Callie, we’re both here to help you.“ she starts in a calm voice, waiting for a sign from the kid that it’s ok to proceed.
“I’m a doctor for children here and I need to check you out, would that be ok?”
The boy shrinks a bit at the mention of being touched but, his eyes intend on my girlfriend’s face, he asks in a tiny voice;
“Just for children?”
Arizona smiles, lowering her voice in a confidential way, she answers;
“Yep! Only for children. See, they thought I’m too good to deal with grown-ups, that I’m needed to treat only the special people. So I decided to be a doctor for children, because children are the most special people in the world, right? I wanted to take care of special little guys like you.”
I can’t suppress the smile as I marvel at my girlfriend’s ability to tune in into kids’ minds. She realized what that boy needed to hear from her, that adults were second-rate people. Takes what it takes to gain a kid’s faith aAnd she is good at that.
I watch, fascinated, as the child instantly grants his trust to Arizona. A smile appears on the little boy’s face, including a pair of dimples that make my heart skip a beat. They match my lover’s perfectly.
“So, can I have a look at your booboos? I’ll try not to hurt you any more, ok?”
Arizona asks in a soothing voice. We both know that to try and tell that kid it would be painless would only take her a few steps back. He knows too much about pain and untrustworthy adults.
The boy nods with a serious face and I stand on the side, watching my girlfriend examine the child. Waiting to see if Arizona finds something that would need my intervention.
Owen enters the room as Arizona is about to finish her examination.
“How is it going?” he asks me as I join him at the door.
I can’t stop myself from smiling, “Well let’s just say our Dr Robbins has weaved her magic yet again.” I answer before sharing a knowing smile with the red-haired man.
We both turn as Arizona joins us, instantly giving us the results of her examination.
“No broken bones, there’s some internal bleeding, probably the spleen, but I’m worried about his kidneys too. We need to take him up now.”
Owen nods in agreement; “I’ll assist you. I called for an OR already. I’ll send Dr Grey to prepare him, he seemed to be ok with her.”
“Thank you, Owen.” Arizona answers with a grateful look at the man’s thoughtfulness.
“No problem.” the red-haired surgeon mumbles. “On the good news front, the father has been arrested. Kendrick’s mom has done the right thing at last and filed a complaint.” He adds in a more lively tone.
It’s taking only a few minutes to prepare the little one and soon I watch as Arizona and Owen roll the gurney toward the elevator and the OR beyond.
As she talks to the boy to keep him calm, Arizona’s eyes lock with mine. I smile at her, mouthing to her; ‘You are great. I love you.’
The dimpled smile that answers me will have to tide me over until I can be with her again.
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That was over three hours ago, I look at my pager again, knowing it was too soon but unable not to.
I try to concentrate again on the opened chart in front on me but I’m getting restless.
I snort to myself, “You’re whipped, Torres.” I say out loud. “Yep and happy to be!” I answer myself unable to suppress a grin.
God how I love that woman. I know by now she brings out the best in me.
No one else in my life ever made me feel like I could totally be myself. To be loved more because of who the real me is.
She’s the one that made me see that trying to change who you are, is not what love is about. That thinking the other part will love you more if you try and become who they want you to be is delusionary. She’s the one who proves to me again and again that the more she learns about me, the more she loves me.
It’s why I love those pages I get from her, can’t get enough of them really. I know that with anyone else that has been in my life I would have felt summoned, but not with her. Because I know they mean she wants to be with me as badly as I want to be with her.
The door opening abruptly pulls me out of my thoughts. I lift my head as my best friend enters the room, looking somewhat flustered.
“CALLIE!” he exclaims loudly, ‘yep definitively flustered.’ I think
“MARK!” I answer as loudly, waving my arms in the air.
“Callie, knock it off! Have you seen Arizona?” Mark asks with a frown.
I laugh, thinking about the many times he’s been trying to get hot sexy details about my and Arizona’s sex life. Especially since he broke up with Lexie. Poor guy must be going in withdrawal big time. Screwing nurses in supply closets mustn’t be as satisfying as he let on.
“Nooooo, not since she left for surgery.” I answered, “And no, I’m not going to give you any details about what we were doing in the shower that morning ‘you know who’ walked in on us.” I finish, avoiding pronouncing his ex’s name.
To my surprise, my friend doesn’t engage in our usual teasing match though. Even if I started with one of his favourite ‘let’s bug Callie’ subjects.
I start to wonder what this is all about when he sits next to me with a serious face.
“You should go look for her.” Mark says. I sit straighter as a knot of worry builds in my stomach.
“Why? Does someone need her? Didn’t they page her?” I ask, hoping against all odds it is all this is about.
“No, Callie. I think she might need you.” Mark answers in a soft voice.
As I stand up abruptly, my worry building up more, I ask in a loud voice:
“Why? Where is she? What happened?” I’m close to freaking out and he knows it. He gets up fast and grabs me by the shoulders, explaining.
“I came across Hunt as he was coming out of the OR just now. They lost the boy.” Seeing I’m about to bolt, he rushes through the rest. “They were almost done fixing him but his heart couldn’t take anymore. Arizona took it very badly, she tried to revive him for 30 minutes. Owen had to physically stop her.”
My eyes fill up with tears at the loss I’m feeling and my head is spinning at the thought of how my love must feel right now. She’s somewhat used to loosing kids and has her own ways to cope with the loss. But this is different for some reason, I can feel it.
“I need to find her right now.” I say with a shaky voice as Mark releases me.
I run to the door when he calls me back. “Cal, check her hands when you find her…”
“WHAT? Why?!” I interrupt him.
“Hunt saw her punch a locker on her way out of the OR. Hard.”
I can feel my face blanched.
“Go find your woman, Callie.” Mark brings me back to reality.
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I run to the elevators, knowing the torment my lover must be in to react that way. I’m pretty close myself to punching the metal doors when they take forever to close. I think I know where she went and I push repeatedly on the maternity ward’s floor button.
“Common, common, common…” I grunt as the car seems to move even more slowly than usual.
Arizona once told me, in a vulnerable moment, that she liked to go to the maternity’s ward when her work gets to be too much. When the kids’ hurting and the parents’ distress become too hard to witness.
She just goes and watches those new lives, all wrapped up in their little pink or baby blue blankets. Letting the miracle of each new little human build her belief in life again. She just watches those newborns, hoping, they never go through her hands. Because if they did it would mean they wouldn’t be healthy anymore. And she doesn’t want to allow herself to even think about that happening.
I held her for hours that night, as she cried over the too many tiny coffins she’d seen.
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My bargain paid off as I instantly spot the familiar small figure of the woman I love when I leave the elevator.
I take a deep breath to calm myself, knowing she needs me to be calm and strong right now and not freaked out.
I watch her intently as I walk toward her. She’s standing in front of the nursery’s big window, her arms tightly wrapped around herself in a protective gesture.
She’s still wearing her white and pink scrub cap and her forehead is resting against the thick glass. She looks so defeated that my heart feels like it’s bleeding right along with hers.
Slowly as to not startle her, I stop just a few inches from her and lean my shoulder against the glass. Intending to wait for her to acknowledge me and to let me know what she needs from me. Not wanting to push her in any way.
“How did you know?” Arizona asks in a tiny voice without looking at me. I always loved her voice. Every nuance of it, from the high pitched excited tone to the lower sexy one. But hearing this tone in her voice breaks my heart.
“Owen met Mark out of the OR and told him. Mark came to find me.” I answer her in a soft voice.
“Grapevine works great as always in here huh?” She says in the same defeated tone of voice.
I know she likes both Owen and Mark and that it’s her pain talking. Moving my hand to her back I start rubbing circles across it to add physical comfort to the verbal one. And because I just need to touch her by now.
“They won’t tell anyone. They really like you and were worried about you.” I tell her, wanting to give her as many reasons as possible to look to the good side of life. I need her to become my perky ray of sunshine again.
Without lifting her head from the glass she turns her face to me. My heart constrict at the traces of the tears she shed. “They were?” she asks sounding like one of her kids.
I give her a small smile, “Sure, it’s why Mark came to find me. He thought you might need me.”
Lifting her head from the window she turns her body toward me in a quick move.
“I do. I need you.” She exclaims as she presses herself against me, her arms wrapping tightly around my waist.
“Aaaww baby, come here.” I whisper in a shaky voice as I hold her to me tighter. I hate so much to see her this way.
In the distance I can hear some happy voices approaching. Probably a new father wanting to introduce their new miracle to friends or family.
“Let me take you to a more private place, ok baby?” I whisper in the nearby ear.
Arizona only nods as I start guiding her toward the on-call room I spotted on my way to her. I keep one arm still tightly wrapped around her. I need to touch her probably as much as she needs my touch.
We quickly reach the empty on-call room and I gently guide her in. Following her, I close and lock the door.
I barely have time to turn around that my arms are full of a now fully crying Arizona. Her hands grasping the back of my scrubs in tight fists, she buries her face against my shoulder.
I wrap my arms around her rubbing circles across her back again, whispering words in her ear.
“It’s ok, love, it’s ok. Just let it out.” I encourage her. “Just cry, baby.”
As sobs rack her body, I reach up and gently pull her scrub cap off, throwing it quickly on the close by table. Then I start combing my fingers through her silky blonde hair.
We stay that way for a good while as I keep murmuring little words of nonsense in her ear, assuring her of my presence. At some point I unconsciously started scratching her scalp and it seems to calm her somehow.
I kiss the top of her head as the sobs taper off and I hear her sigh.
“I lost him. I let him down.” Arizona whispers in a shaky voice and I barely hear her as her face is still pressed against me.
“You didn’t let him down, baby.” I correct her quickly, “You did everything you could. Hell, from what I heard you did more than that! He went through too much and he wasn’t strong enough. Maybe he just gave up.”
I release my tight hold on her when I feel her move to look into my face.
Her red rimmed eyes look into mine. I can only hope my words give her some reason to let go of some of theweight, I can feel weighing on her shoulders… and in her heart.
I know she’s not really much of a religious person. Science is her main religion, even if she has her own personal spiritual believes. But I can’t stop myself from uttering my next thought.
“There’s one thing I know for sure. And that’s there is now another little angel looking down on you with love, looking out for you.” My own voice is shaking as I try to remind her why she’s doing this everyday. Despite the losses, “Because of the devotion and the love you put into treating him.”
I barely have time to see the blue eyes I love so much fill up with tears before she wraps her arms around my neck, hugging me tightly.
But she’s not crying again, and I sigh as I think that maybe I did it right this time.
Suddenly exhaustion washes over me and I know she must be suffering from an even worse case of it. I bend my knees and lift her, a little surprised sound resonates in my ear as I carry her to the bed.
With a bit of manoeuvring I manage to sit on the edge and move her until she’s sitting on my lap. Her arms move to wrap around my shoulders, her hands burying in my hair.
I kiss the first part of her that I can reach, her nose. A small smile appears on her face, making my heart skip a bit.
“Hey, let me see your hands.” I ask, suddenly remembering what Mark said earlier.
Arizona only buries her face deeper in my neck as she whispers, “Why? They’re happy where they are.”
I smile as a small part of the sunshine that is my girlfriend reappears.
“I heard about that locker’s door who viciously crossed the path of your fist so, gimme.” I say as sternly as I can speak to her. Which is not very sternly at all.
She gives a half moan, half laugh. “It’s nothing Calliope, my hands are just fine.”
Gently grabbing her face between my hands, I lift her head to make her look at me and insist:
“Arizona Victoria Robbins, I have a special interest in those hands of yours. So just show them to me, ok?”
With a sigh, she reluctantly pulls her arms from around my neck and presents me her hands. Like a kid who’s been asked to wash their hands before dinner.
I can’t help grinning at her antics, she’s just so cute.
After close inspection of the delicate hands, I let out a sigh of relief:
“Your left hand is a bit swollen and bruised but the damage is less than I expected. A couple of days of rest and it’ll be as good as new and I mean rest for everything. Good thing you didn’t hit with your scalpel hand though.” I tell her, remembering the hell Mark gave me when he made that mistake with Derek. Still I’m unable to hide my pout as the next thought that crosses my mind is what it means for that hand being out of commission for a while. And I can see she knows where my thoughts went.
“I knew that, besides I’m sexually ambidextrous,” she says with a suggestive look, “I’ll just move to the other side of the bed.”
I burst out laughing. “That’s my girl!” I say before kissing her lips.
Seeing the tiredness reappear on her beautiful face, I move us until we’re both lying down on the bed, wrapped in each other’s arms.
“Let’s try to get some rest, ok?” I suggest with another tender kiss. My exhausted girlfriend only nods as she moves closer to me.
Closing my eyes and focusing on her breathing, I try to allow my ruffled mind to quiet down in the hope of drifting off to sleep.
It takes me a while to realize her squirming isn’t only about finding a comfy spot on the lumpy mattress.
“What’s wrong, baby?” I ask her in a whisper.
“I can’t get close enough to you.” She answers and I can hear the pout in her voice even if she avoids my eyes.
‘Gotta love that woman.’ I think with a smile as I take off both our pagers from the waistband of our scrubs. I turn them off and put them down on the side table. The hell with the rest of the world.
Then wrapping my arms tightly around her waist I turn to lay on my back, bringing her with me until she’s resting on top of me.
“How’s that?” I ask her as she nuzzles my neck from where her head rests on my chest.
“Much much better.” She purrs.
In a couple of minutes we’re both dead to the world.
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When I wake up, it’s with a jerk and to the most beautiful sight I’ve ever seen.
“I’m awake!” I utter hoarsely, as of my habit. And as of another habit I hear a small laugh at my usual reaction at waking up suddenly.
Just a few inches away from my face, chin on the interlaced hands, my love is looking at me intently.
A ghost of the usual spark showing again in her sky-blue eyes and a small smile on her lips.
“Whatcha doing?” I ask in a sleep hoarse voice, blinking the rest of sleep away.
“Looking at my gorgeous girlfriend.” She answers in a whisper.
I snort; “Oooh fascinating!”
“For me, it is.” She says with a frown at my self deprecating comment.
I smile at her as I reach with a hand to comb my fingers through her hair; “Are you feeling better, sweetie?”
“Yes, I am actually, thanks to you.” Arizona answers me with a tender smile. Her dimples make a quick appearance and my heart flutters.
Now that I know she’s feeling better, and that we’re over the crisis, I can’t help wondering what started the whole thing. It’s not unusual for Arizona to have bad days. She sees too much harshness, too many suffering children not to. But she’s very good at compartmentalizing, and over time she built coping systems for herself. They usually allow her to go to work every day, smile at everyone she meets and play with the kids, as sick as they might be.
It’s well known in the whole hospital that Arizona is the only peds doctor that the kids always welcome with smiles and happy faces. Whatever test or poking she has to submit them to.
What was different today? Is it something I should know about? Of course I should know, I’m her girlfriend, if something can put her in such a state, then it’s something I need to know about! I want to ask her but I’m worried about opening that barely closed wound again.
My internal debate must be showing on my face as the soft voice of my lover brings my attention back to her.
“What are you thinking about?” she asks.
For all of a minute I consider finding an excuse to offer her. But she knows me too well, and at the light narrowing of her eyes right now, I realize she knows exactly what I almost intended to do.
“I don’t want to talk about it because it’s going to make you hurt again.” I admit, deciding total honesty was the best path to take. Maybe she’ll just drop it.
NOT. Who would have believed I could find a woman just as stubborn as myself?
“Calliope,” she starts in a serious tone, “if it’s something that’s troubling you, I want us to talk about it, even if it’s painful. No more secrets, even by omission, remember?”
I blush, as I know exactly what she’s talking about. The lecture about the polio case episode and my umpteenth ‘putting my foot in my mouth’ incident. The one where I mentioned my one night stand with Karev in front a full room of people.
I was ready for a jealousy fit that day but, once more, she surprised me. I had to go through one of her famous lectures, of course. But this one was about how the past is the past and that she didn’t feel threaten by Karev in the least. I thought I heard her mumble something about a brick under her breath too but I didn’t get the chance to clarify that. She then let me know pretty clearly how embarrassing it has been for her to learn about it at the same time than two hundreds co-workers. And that she’d keep an eye on Karev.
No need to mention I still didn’t get any that night. Lesson learned! Yes ma’am!
“I…,” I stutter.
“Just ask me, Calliope.” She softly says.
With a sigh, I look deeply in her clear eyes, intending to check for any change in them that would tell me this is too hard for her.
“I was wondering why this case got to you so badly.” I whisper, like if saying it too loud would make it sound even harsher.
I can see her blue eyes cloud a bit but she doesn’t chicken away from the question. I have so many things to learn from that woman. Not to run away is a major one of them.
She sighs and I can see her gathering her inner strength before she starts speaking.
“I couldn’t stand to loose that kid. When I got inside that examination room and saw him… with his blond hair and blue eyes.” Arizona starts as her eyes filled up with tears again.
“And his dimples,” I add in a whisper. I’m starting to see where this is going, as I understand why the kid’s dimples struck home with me. It’s suddenly obvious to me. “It’s about your brother, isn’t it?”
Arizona just nods and swallows hard before laying her head down on my chest again.
“His name was Danny,” she starts in a low voice. “He was my twin brother.”
‘Oh my God!’ I think as I’m feeling my heart break a little more for my lover.
“You don’t have to talk about it, baby.” I murmur as I start running her fingers through blonde hair again. I need the comfort of touching her and I hope she’ll get some comfort out of it too.
“I want to,” my girlfriend answers. “I want to know everything about you and you probably need to know more about me too. We don’t talk that much when you think about it.”
I can feel a smile appear unwillingly on my face, as I realize why we don’t spend much time talking; “Well, we usually have better things to do.” I say with a seductive look.
Arizona lets a small laugh out. “That’s true.” She approves, “And I know I have my part of responsibilities in that situation. I did all I could to stay in the sexy part of things. But now I feel like it’s time to share a bit of myself with you.”
I know she’s right we need to if we want our relationship to survive. I’m sure I want it to survive I want it to last forever. At this minute I can see she wants the same thing.
She sighs and looks like she’s trying to pluck up the courage to speak about such a painful subject.
“When we were kids we were the typical twins. We were so close that we didn’t really need any outside party. And it was a good thing because with a father in the marine corps we were moving all the time, you know?” Arizona starts and looks in my eyes.
I nod in understanding, encouraging her to keep going with my eyes.
“We did have friends though, but the difference was I had more boys for friends than most girls. Because of Danny.”
I have to laugh at that; “Do you think it might have something to do with your sexual orientation?”
My smile widen when Arizona laughs too: “I’m not sure, I personally think I was born a lesbian. But who really knows what can influence someone’s sexual orientation?”
“True.” I agree.
“When we were teens, things turned around a bit as I was looking for girls’ company more and more. Problem was Danny tended to fall for the same girls. He was always asking me to play matchmaker for him.” Arizona says, making a face, her eyes never leaving mine. She smiles when I burst out laughing again. I just love the insight in my lover’s youth.
I stop laughing fast, though, when her smile fades and she starts speaking again; “We grew apart as we got older. For many reasons and not even realizing it, I think. It always was obvious he would follow in our father’s footsteps. I don’t think he ever even considered doing something else than join the Marines.”
“How did you react when it did happen though?” I ask, aware that knowing something will happen and seeing it happen is a whole different matter. I move my hand to the back of her neck, trying to massage away the tension I can feel building in her shoulders.
Arizona closes her eyes at the contact, sighing deeply.
“I didn’t really. I’m a military brat, we were surrounded by soldiers from birth. I guess we didn’t grow up with the same point of view about the whole thing as non-military people. It did catch up with me though, in the worse way, when he left for Iraq.” She was now speaking fast as if she was in a rush to finish.
I could only let her talk and let go of some of the weight, while encouraging her with tender touches.
I frown when my lover’s face drops,
“When we got the news, I couldn’t believe it at first. I was sure I would have felt it if something had happened to him, like when we were kids. It really hit me in that hangar, looking at that flag covered coffin, knowing my brother was inside. I felt like a part of me died at that moment.”
The tears come again then and Arizona buries her face against my chest.
I can only wrap my arms around her again and hold her tight. I know that allowing those tears to flow will help my lover in her healing process.
With a few tender words, I try to carry my girlfriend through the wave of pain until the sobs stop.
“That boy, he was the spitting image of Danny at that age.” My blond love finishes in a hoarse voice.
“I’m sorry, baby.” I say then, “That you have to go through that. And also about how I reacted back then, when George enlisted. I had no idea. It’s not an excuse either, I should have listened to your point of view instead of running away.”
I release my hold when I feel her lift her head to look at me.
“It’s ok, Calliope. It’s all in the past.” My beautiful woman reassures me with just a few words, like always. “Besides I’m not sure if you realize it but you have changed a lot since then. I’m pretty sure you’d react differently now.”
I just shrug, hoping she’s right. There are quite a few things I’ve done, that I’m not proud of. I can only welcome the change if it keeps me from making the same mistakes again.
I watch her eyes close as my hand still works on her neck. She rests her chin on her hands again. After a moment a smile of contentment slowly appears on her face. Soon I make out her adorable dimples, making me think about the child she must have been.
“Who did you get the dimples from?” I hear myself ask suddenly.
She laughs and answers in a clearer voice; “My dad, the blue eyes and blonde hair come from my mother.”
Suddenly I want to know more about her brother. He has been such a big part of her life, of her really. I think for a minute before taking the chance to ask another question.
“Were the two of you looking alike? Danny and you I mean.” I ask finally and I’m relieved when her expression just turns a bit more melancholic.
“Well, obviously we weren’t identical twins, but we looked alike enough for people who didn’t know us to mix us. Mostly when we were very young. It changed only when Danny got his first big boy haircut.” She answers with a smile. “He was getting so mad when people thought we were both girls because of his curls.”
I laughed lightly at her memory, easily imagining the two blonde hair, blue eyed, dimples covered toddlers.
I sigh in relief at feeling her relax at last. Seeing her talk about her brother and remembering the good times rather than think of the tragic ones.
Realizing how much I want to bring back that wonderful laugh again, I just allowed myself to think out loud.
“I just can see you at 7, all big blue eyes and blonde curls. Little Arizona asking for a medical kit for Christmas… And playing doctors with the little girls of the neighbourhood.”
My tactic pays off as she burst out laughing.
“You’re nuts, Calliope Torres!” she says still giggling.
“Yeah but you love me anyway.” I answer with a beaming smile.
“And I do love you so much.” She says in a low voice, the tone of the conversation changing suddenly. I watch in fascination as the look in her eyes changes from amusement to love, then arousal.
I know what this is about. It’s time for typical ‘let’s prove we are alive sex’. I was expecting it to happen, knowing my lover as I do. But I thought she’d wait for us to be home after our shift.
‘Maybe not’, I think as she pulls herself up over me, taking my mouth in a passionate kiss. Her tongue looses no time invading my more than willing mouth, starting to caress my own.
Our tongues hotly slide against each other until we have to separate from lack of air. I gasp when she breathlessly whisper against my lips.
“Make love to me, Calliope. Bring me to life’s side again.”
I moan and feel myself getting wet instantly at the rawness of both her voice and her need.
I instantly grab the edge of her scrub top and pull it off over her head while her hands quickly untie the strings of both our scrubs pants.
My head starts spinning with arousal as my excited fingers briefly fight with her bra, needing it off faster than it’s willing to go.
During my short battle, my blonde spitfire keeps busy, pulling and pushing pants and underwear away from both of us. I gasp when she straddles my hips and presses her centre against my pubic bone. The wetness I feel gushing out of her and on my own skin makes me feel drunk. I get busy caressing every part of her body I can reach.
“Arizona…” I whisper as she pushes my scrub top and bra up high to get access to my breasts. Her small hands kneading them the way she knows I crave. Right away, I decide I won’t fight her to be on top this time, this just feels too good.
“I’m here, baby.” She moans as she keeps loving my breasts, her blue eyes stare deep in mine.
“I want you now!” I groan as I slip a hand between us. Without warning I plunge two fingers inside of her soaked core, making us both moan.
“Yeees!” she hisses as she leans her head back and starts languorously riding my hand.
I watch her with fascination. Her beautiful pale body straddling mine, her hands still on my breasts. It’s the most incredible sight I have ever seen in my life.
I could come from just watching her riding my hand, feeling my fingers inside of her as she moves up and down on them.
But I want to come with her. While sliding a third finger inside of her wet pulsing centre, I manoeuvre my own hand until it rests over my own hard clit. Soon she starts riding my hand faster and harder, the rawness of her need taking over.
“Arizona, baby, look at me.” I beg panting, wanting to look in her eyes as she comes.
I instantly feel my orgasm building as she continues thrusting down on my fingers push the back of my hand into my clit in a perfect rhythm. Her eyes, turned darker, looking deeply into mine. My free hand moves to her thigh and I can feel the muscles working as she moves up and down, lowering herself time and time again on my hand.
I know she’s getting close as her muscles tighten around my fingers, now buried deep inside her. A small pale hand reaches and pulls my hand from her thigh and intertwines our fingers tightly, temporarily forgetting her damaged hand.
I’m feeling myself tumble toward orgasm at the mix of visual and tactile overload. But I want her to come first. I want to be able to watch her face as orgasm hits her. I quickly move my thumb through her soaked folds gathering some warm juices before moving it to her clit, rubbing it gently.
She groans and thrusts down hard a few more times and moans: “I love you” as I feel her come over my hand. The feeling of her release gushing down my palm and the look on her face send me to my own powerful release. I have to bite my lower lip to prevent the scream that threatens to escape.
She collapses on top of me again and I hug her to me with one arm. My other hand is still buried inside of her, my arm trapped between our bodies. I can feel the small aftershocks that are buffeting her. I’m not ready to severe the connection just yet.
“I love you” I whisper in her ear between pants.
Turning her head, she kisses me tenderly. “ I love you, Calliope.” She repeats sweetly.
I feel her start to shiver after we revelled in the aftermath of our lovemaking for a while.
“Ready to go home? We can continue this in our own bed.” I suggest softly.
“Not quite.” She mumbles against my neck.
“You’re not?” I ask, surprised.
She looks at me with a mischievous look.
“Nope, you have to pull out first.” She answers with a suggestive wiggle of her eyebrows.
I laugh and slowly pull my fingers away from her heat, not missing the look of renewed desire that crosses her beautiful face as I do so. How can she have me so turned on again with just a look?
I give her a few seconds to gather her wits before asking her again in a teasing tone,
“Ready now?”
She growls; “Ready again you mean! Common woman, take me home! I’m not done with you yet!”
God I love that woman.
----------
Author: lysangelle
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Rating: NC17
Summary: Callie has a second chance at being there for Arizona and comfort her after a hard loss.
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
A/N: The love of my life, who volunteered to beta my writing efforts (she’s so brave!) suggested I try writing a story at the first person. So, Tori, this one is for you, love. JTM
This story was written before 6x17 “Push” was aired but was stuck, at beta stage, in my GF’s busy schedule for a couple of weeks.
A/N: There will angst and mention of child abuse (nothing graphic though)
This is my first attempt at NC17 (graphic though LOL)
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Life is like a cloud when you think about it. Sometimes it’s a high fluffy one, allowing the blue sky to show and the sun to warm you up. Sometimes it’s dark and low, lead like making you feel like the whole world is going to collapse on you.
I know about clouds and rain, I mean I’m an ortho surgeon in a Seattle’s hospital after all.
Some times a blue sky turns stormy in the space of a blink. All you can do is withstand it until the sun comes back and the blue reappears.
For me, the worse storms are always the ones that, at times, alter the sky-blue of my lover’s eyes. On those occasions I’d do anything to bring back the spark of sun in those beautiful blue eyes. Anything.
My hand is combing through blonde hair as my love is dozing, half of her body still on top of me. Her face is buried in the crock of my neck, her still lightly rushed breathing caressing my skin making me shiver. I think back over the events that led us here, in our bed. Naked and sweaty for the second time in a short while. Feeling even closer from overcoming another tough spot and sharing more of ourselves with each other.
------------------
“Damn slow day.” I mumble as I pick up another chart from the pile with a sigh. I find a semi quiet spot in the lounge to try and catch up with paperwork. I hate paperwork. And I hate slow days because they don’t give me any excuses to procrastinate about catching up on paperwork!
The only reason I’m not totally frustrated about having to be at work, on a verrrrrry slow day, instead of at home, is the brief meetings I’ve been having with my gorgeous girlfriend.
I laughed as I think back to the last time she paged me, and how I spilled an almost full cup of coffee in my hurry to just go and join her. I hope Bailey never learns who really left that big mess in the lounge…. And that the bruise on her butt isn’t too painful. Among all the people to slip and fall on my mess, it had to be her!
I check my pager for the umpteenth time, hoping for another message from my blonde spitfire, even though I know she’s in surgery.
Operating on a small boy they brought earlier. One of those cases that makes you want to chance jobs, if not more, to break every bone in a man. A man who thinks he can use his kids as punching bags.
--------------
Three hours before
I barely have time to get inside the peds ward’s on-call room when a small solid body collides with mine. Suddenly I’m pushed against the still half open door that slams closed in the process.
My burst of laughter is brutally interrupted by Arizona’s mouth finding mine.
I moan into the kiss as I feel one of her hand grabs a handful of my hair and the other finds the door’s handle, locking us in.
“You’re such a top!” I giggled against her lips as she wraps her arms around my shoulders. She locks her hands together under the hair at the nape of my neck and presses her body against mine.
“Only with you.” My blonde lover whispers as I look into her sky-blue eyes, loving the spark in them.
“Oh yeah?” I can’t resist teasing her, “Meaning?”
Arizona dimples flash before she gives me a seductive look, “Meaning I never wanted anyone as badly as I want you. And no one has ever turned me on as easily as you do, with just a look.”
I groan at her words, unable to stop the silly grin growing on my face as I hear her laugh.
“Besides,” she starts again, tilting her head to one side in an inquisitive way, “I was missing you, what took you so long?”
I look at her with what I’m sure is a dumbfound look on my face, “What took me so long?! I was here in…” Turning my head to the watch loosely hanging from her left wrist. “Seven minutes!” I finish incredulously.
“I rest my case!” Arizona exclaims with a shrug.
“Hey! I had to be stealthy to avoid Bailey!” I defend myself, not that I feel I really have to. I just love our banter too much to drop it. “Have you seen her since our last huh… meeting?”
“No,” the blonde woman in my arms chuckles, “can’t say I have, I must have been lucky.”
“Yes you were!” I answer before lowering my voice to a conspiratorial tone.
“She’s walking the hospital’s hallways right now, limping, and ranting about slobs who can’t clean up their messes. Not to mention how she’s planning to cut their balls off and barbecue them to feed to her dog.”
Arizona burst out laughing before pointing out, “She doesn’t have a dog, Calliope.”
“Well it’s the last part of her rant,” I add seriously, “something about having to go to the SPCA to get herself a puppy. I think I heard the word Rottweiler in the grunting.”
I smile happily as my girlfriend succumbs to a loud giggling fit.
“You have nothing to worry about beautiful, you don’t have any balls, except for the proverbial ones, that is.” She chuckles after calming down some.
“Oh good thing!” I answer with a laugh.
“Well yeah or we wouldn’t be here doing this.” Arizona purrs in my ear.
I clear my throat, trying to find a smart answer to that. “What? You mean you wouldn’t love me if I had a three pieces set? You’re surprising me, Arizona!”
“Sorry to disappoint, Calliope, but no I wouldn’t, unless it was made out of silicone.” The blonde little imp that is my girlfriend deadpans.
*Pang*
Was that the sound of my jaw hitting the floor?
I feel myself blush despite my dark complexion. My impression of a goldfish must be amazing because my girlfriend is now roaring with laughter, her forehead resting on my shoulder.
One day I’ll win one of those bantering chats I’m always having with her. But seeing today won’t be that day I decide to use another method, trying to move us to the bed.
She stops laughing as I try to manoeuvre us away from the door. She doesn’t miss a beat though. Using her smaller body and surprise to push me back forcefully against the wood panel.
“I’m not done with you.” My blonde bombshell explains with a devilish smile.
God, that woman loves to slam me against walls!
And who am I to complain?!
I’m about to answer with one of my best ever repartee, namely a squealed ‘you’re not?’, when her pager goes off.
“Damn!” Arizona exclaims her hand reaching for the pager hooked to her waistband.
“It’s a 911, I have to go.” She pouts, looking at me regretfully.
“I’m going with you.” I decide, disappointed that our time together is coming to an end.
She smiles her agreement and we both push away from the door to head to the ER.
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Dr Hunt heads toward us in what looks like a slightly defeated pace as soon as he spots us making our way to the ER nurses’ station,
“Hey Owen,” Arizona greets him with a wide smile, “what do you have for me?”
I watch with a tender grin as the red-haired man smiles warmly to my lover. I know Owen has a soft spot for her, in a big brother kind of way. Can’t really blame him, can I?
His smile disappears quickly though as he hands a chart to Arizona.
“Kendrick Richard, five years old, admitted for numerous bruises and wounds, supposedly from falling out of a tree.”
I feel my lover’s body tense instantly as I silently gasp myself. The both of us understanding what Owens’ “supposedly” stands for.
“He’s pretty calm, almost unresponsive, but he refuses to let any of us examine him.”
“Thanks, I’ll take care of it.” Arizona says with a serious look on her beautiful face. I can almost feel the moment she’s turns on one of her coping mechanisms.
She turns to me with a hopeful look, “Could you join me? He might need to be checked for fractures.”
We both know it’s an excuse and that she just needs me with her but I don’t care. I need to be with her just as much. Irrationally I think that maybe I can protect her from the pain, my soft hearted, girlfriend is bound to feel at this kid’s bedside.
When we enter the examination room, Arizona leading the way, the little boy turns his head toward us. I wonder once more how someone can deliberately hurt a child, especially such a cute kid.
His pale face, round with baby fat, is surrounded by short blonde curls. His blue eyes are dull and weary at the appearance of even more adults, bound to be there to prod him. If not worse.
Arizona takes over with a gentle smile and walks to the gurney. She leans until she’s level with the chid.
“Hi Kendrick, I’m Dr Robbins but you can call me Dr Arizona. This is my friend, Dr Callie, we’re both here to help you.“ she starts in a calm voice, waiting for a sign from the kid that it’s ok to proceed.
“I’m a doctor for children here and I need to check you out, would that be ok?”
The boy shrinks a bit at the mention of being touched but, his eyes intend on my girlfriend’s face, he asks in a tiny voice;
“Just for children?”
Arizona smiles, lowering her voice in a confidential way, she answers;
“Yep! Only for children. See, they thought I’m too good to deal with grown-ups, that I’m needed to treat only the special people. So I decided to be a doctor for children, because children are the most special people in the world, right? I wanted to take care of special little guys like you.”
I can’t suppress the smile as I marvel at my girlfriend’s ability to tune in into kids’ minds. She realized what that boy needed to hear from her, that adults were second-rate people. Takes what it takes to gain a kid’s faith aAnd she is good at that.
I watch, fascinated, as the child instantly grants his trust to Arizona. A smile appears on the little boy’s face, including a pair of dimples that make my heart skip a beat. They match my lover’s perfectly.
“So, can I have a look at your booboos? I’ll try not to hurt you any more, ok?”
Arizona asks in a soothing voice. We both know that to try and tell that kid it would be painless would only take her a few steps back. He knows too much about pain and untrustworthy adults.
The boy nods with a serious face and I stand on the side, watching my girlfriend examine the child. Waiting to see if Arizona finds something that would need my intervention.
Owen enters the room as Arizona is about to finish her examination.
“How is it going?” he asks me as I join him at the door.
I can’t stop myself from smiling, “Well let’s just say our Dr Robbins has weaved her magic yet again.” I answer before sharing a knowing smile with the red-haired man.
We both turn as Arizona joins us, instantly giving us the results of her examination.
“No broken bones, there’s some internal bleeding, probably the spleen, but I’m worried about his kidneys too. We need to take him up now.”
Owen nods in agreement; “I’ll assist you. I called for an OR already. I’ll send Dr Grey to prepare him, he seemed to be ok with her.”
“Thank you, Owen.” Arizona answers with a grateful look at the man’s thoughtfulness.
“No problem.” the red-haired surgeon mumbles. “On the good news front, the father has been arrested. Kendrick’s mom has done the right thing at last and filed a complaint.” He adds in a more lively tone.
It’s taking only a few minutes to prepare the little one and soon I watch as Arizona and Owen roll the gurney toward the elevator and the OR beyond.
As she talks to the boy to keep him calm, Arizona’s eyes lock with mine. I smile at her, mouthing to her; ‘You are great. I love you.’
The dimpled smile that answers me will have to tide me over until I can be with her again.
-------------
That was over three hours ago, I look at my pager again, knowing it was too soon but unable not to.
I try to concentrate again on the opened chart in front on me but I’m getting restless.
I snort to myself, “You’re whipped, Torres.” I say out loud. “Yep and happy to be!” I answer myself unable to suppress a grin.
God how I love that woman. I know by now she brings out the best in me.
No one else in my life ever made me feel like I could totally be myself. To be loved more because of who the real me is.
She’s the one that made me see that trying to change who you are, is not what love is about. That thinking the other part will love you more if you try and become who they want you to be is delusionary. She’s the one who proves to me again and again that the more she learns about me, the more she loves me.
It’s why I love those pages I get from her, can’t get enough of them really. I know that with anyone else that has been in my life I would have felt summoned, but not with her. Because I know they mean she wants to be with me as badly as I want to be with her.
The door opening abruptly pulls me out of my thoughts. I lift my head as my best friend enters the room, looking somewhat flustered.
“CALLIE!” he exclaims loudly, ‘yep definitively flustered.’ I think
“MARK!” I answer as loudly, waving my arms in the air.
“Callie, knock it off! Have you seen Arizona?” Mark asks with a frown.
I laugh, thinking about the many times he’s been trying to get hot sexy details about my and Arizona’s sex life. Especially since he broke up with Lexie. Poor guy must be going in withdrawal big time. Screwing nurses in supply closets mustn’t be as satisfying as he let on.
“Nooooo, not since she left for surgery.” I answered, “And no, I’m not going to give you any details about what we were doing in the shower that morning ‘you know who’ walked in on us.” I finish, avoiding pronouncing his ex’s name.
To my surprise, my friend doesn’t engage in our usual teasing match though. Even if I started with one of his favourite ‘let’s bug Callie’ subjects.
I start to wonder what this is all about when he sits next to me with a serious face.
“You should go look for her.” Mark says. I sit straighter as a knot of worry builds in my stomach.
“Why? Does someone need her? Didn’t they page her?” I ask, hoping against all odds it is all this is about.
“No, Callie. I think she might need you.” Mark answers in a soft voice.
As I stand up abruptly, my worry building up more, I ask in a loud voice:
“Why? Where is she? What happened?” I’m close to freaking out and he knows it. He gets up fast and grabs me by the shoulders, explaining.
“I came across Hunt as he was coming out of the OR just now. They lost the boy.” Seeing I’m about to bolt, he rushes through the rest. “They were almost done fixing him but his heart couldn’t take anymore. Arizona took it very badly, she tried to revive him for 30 minutes. Owen had to physically stop her.”
My eyes fill up with tears at the loss I’m feeling and my head is spinning at the thought of how my love must feel right now. She’s somewhat used to loosing kids and has her own ways to cope with the loss. But this is different for some reason, I can feel it.
“I need to find her right now.” I say with a shaky voice as Mark releases me.
I run to the door when he calls me back. “Cal, check her hands when you find her…”
“WHAT? Why?!” I interrupt him.
“Hunt saw her punch a locker on her way out of the OR. Hard.”
I can feel my face blanched.
“Go find your woman, Callie.” Mark brings me back to reality.
----------
I run to the elevators, knowing the torment my lover must be in to react that way. I’m pretty close myself to punching the metal doors when they take forever to close. I think I know where she went and I push repeatedly on the maternity ward’s floor button.
“Common, common, common…” I grunt as the car seems to move even more slowly than usual.
Arizona once told me, in a vulnerable moment, that she liked to go to the maternity’s ward when her work gets to be too much. When the kids’ hurting and the parents’ distress become too hard to witness.
She just goes and watches those new lives, all wrapped up in their little pink or baby blue blankets. Letting the miracle of each new little human build her belief in life again. She just watches those newborns, hoping, they never go through her hands. Because if they did it would mean they wouldn’t be healthy anymore. And she doesn’t want to allow herself to even think about that happening.
I held her for hours that night, as she cried over the too many tiny coffins she’d seen.
-------------
My bargain paid off as I instantly spot the familiar small figure of the woman I love when I leave the elevator.
I take a deep breath to calm myself, knowing she needs me to be calm and strong right now and not freaked out.
I watch her intently as I walk toward her. She’s standing in front of the nursery’s big window, her arms tightly wrapped around herself in a protective gesture.
She’s still wearing her white and pink scrub cap and her forehead is resting against the thick glass. She looks so defeated that my heart feels like it’s bleeding right along with hers.
Slowly as to not startle her, I stop just a few inches from her and lean my shoulder against the glass. Intending to wait for her to acknowledge me and to let me know what she needs from me. Not wanting to push her in any way.
“How did you know?” Arizona asks in a tiny voice without looking at me. I always loved her voice. Every nuance of it, from the high pitched excited tone to the lower sexy one. But hearing this tone in her voice breaks my heart.
“Owen met Mark out of the OR and told him. Mark came to find me.” I answer her in a soft voice.
“Grapevine works great as always in here huh?” She says in the same defeated tone of voice.
I know she likes both Owen and Mark and that it’s her pain talking. Moving my hand to her back I start rubbing circles across it to add physical comfort to the verbal one. And because I just need to touch her by now.
“They won’t tell anyone. They really like you and were worried about you.” I tell her, wanting to give her as many reasons as possible to look to the good side of life. I need her to become my perky ray of sunshine again.
Without lifting her head from the glass she turns her face to me. My heart constrict at the traces of the tears she shed. “They were?” she asks sounding like one of her kids.
I give her a small smile, “Sure, it’s why Mark came to find me. He thought you might need me.”
Lifting her head from the window she turns her body toward me in a quick move.
“I do. I need you.” She exclaims as she presses herself against me, her arms wrapping tightly around my waist.
“Aaaww baby, come here.” I whisper in a shaky voice as I hold her to me tighter. I hate so much to see her this way.
In the distance I can hear some happy voices approaching. Probably a new father wanting to introduce their new miracle to friends or family.
“Let me take you to a more private place, ok baby?” I whisper in the nearby ear.
Arizona only nods as I start guiding her toward the on-call room I spotted on my way to her. I keep one arm still tightly wrapped around her. I need to touch her probably as much as she needs my touch.
We quickly reach the empty on-call room and I gently guide her in. Following her, I close and lock the door.
I barely have time to turn around that my arms are full of a now fully crying Arizona. Her hands grasping the back of my scrubs in tight fists, she buries her face against my shoulder.
I wrap my arms around her rubbing circles across her back again, whispering words in her ear.
“It’s ok, love, it’s ok. Just let it out.” I encourage her. “Just cry, baby.”
As sobs rack her body, I reach up and gently pull her scrub cap off, throwing it quickly on the close by table. Then I start combing my fingers through her silky blonde hair.
We stay that way for a good while as I keep murmuring little words of nonsense in her ear, assuring her of my presence. At some point I unconsciously started scratching her scalp and it seems to calm her somehow.
I kiss the top of her head as the sobs taper off and I hear her sigh.
“I lost him. I let him down.” Arizona whispers in a shaky voice and I barely hear her as her face is still pressed against me.
“You didn’t let him down, baby.” I correct her quickly, “You did everything you could. Hell, from what I heard you did more than that! He went through too much and he wasn’t strong enough. Maybe he just gave up.”
I release my tight hold on her when I feel her move to look into my face.
Her red rimmed eyes look into mine. I can only hope my words give her some reason to let go of some of theweight, I can feel weighing on her shoulders… and in her heart.
I know she’s not really much of a religious person. Science is her main religion, even if she has her own personal spiritual believes. But I can’t stop myself from uttering my next thought.
“There’s one thing I know for sure. And that’s there is now another little angel looking down on you with love, looking out for you.” My own voice is shaking as I try to remind her why she’s doing this everyday. Despite the losses, “Because of the devotion and the love you put into treating him.”
I barely have time to see the blue eyes I love so much fill up with tears before she wraps her arms around my neck, hugging me tightly.
But she’s not crying again, and I sigh as I think that maybe I did it right this time.
Suddenly exhaustion washes over me and I know she must be suffering from an even worse case of it. I bend my knees and lift her, a little surprised sound resonates in my ear as I carry her to the bed.
With a bit of manoeuvring I manage to sit on the edge and move her until she’s sitting on my lap. Her arms move to wrap around my shoulders, her hands burying in my hair.
I kiss the first part of her that I can reach, her nose. A small smile appears on her face, making my heart skip a bit.
“Hey, let me see your hands.” I ask, suddenly remembering what Mark said earlier.
Arizona only buries her face deeper in my neck as she whispers, “Why? They’re happy where they are.”
I smile as a small part of the sunshine that is my girlfriend reappears.
“I heard about that locker’s door who viciously crossed the path of your fist so, gimme.” I say as sternly as I can speak to her. Which is not very sternly at all.
She gives a half moan, half laugh. “It’s nothing Calliope, my hands are just fine.”
Gently grabbing her face between my hands, I lift her head to make her look at me and insist:
“Arizona Victoria Robbins, I have a special interest in those hands of yours. So just show them to me, ok?”
With a sigh, she reluctantly pulls her arms from around my neck and presents me her hands. Like a kid who’s been asked to wash their hands before dinner.
I can’t help grinning at her antics, she’s just so cute.
After close inspection of the delicate hands, I let out a sigh of relief:
“Your left hand is a bit swollen and bruised but the damage is less than I expected. A couple of days of rest and it’ll be as good as new and I mean rest for everything. Good thing you didn’t hit with your scalpel hand though.” I tell her, remembering the hell Mark gave me when he made that mistake with Derek. Still I’m unable to hide my pout as the next thought that crosses my mind is what it means for that hand being out of commission for a while. And I can see she knows where my thoughts went.
“I knew that, besides I’m sexually ambidextrous,” she says with a suggestive look, “I’ll just move to the other side of the bed.”
I burst out laughing. “That’s my girl!” I say before kissing her lips.
Seeing the tiredness reappear on her beautiful face, I move us until we’re both lying down on the bed, wrapped in each other’s arms.
“Let’s try to get some rest, ok?” I suggest with another tender kiss. My exhausted girlfriend only nods as she moves closer to me.
Closing my eyes and focusing on her breathing, I try to allow my ruffled mind to quiet down in the hope of drifting off to sleep.
It takes me a while to realize her squirming isn’t only about finding a comfy spot on the lumpy mattress.
“What’s wrong, baby?” I ask her in a whisper.
“I can’t get close enough to you.” She answers and I can hear the pout in her voice even if she avoids my eyes.
‘Gotta love that woman.’ I think with a smile as I take off both our pagers from the waistband of our scrubs. I turn them off and put them down on the side table. The hell with the rest of the world.
Then wrapping my arms tightly around her waist I turn to lay on my back, bringing her with me until she’s resting on top of me.
“How’s that?” I ask her as she nuzzles my neck from where her head rests on my chest.
“Much much better.” She purrs.
In a couple of minutes we’re both dead to the world.
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When I wake up, it’s with a jerk and to the most beautiful sight I’ve ever seen.
“I’m awake!” I utter hoarsely, as of my habit. And as of another habit I hear a small laugh at my usual reaction at waking up suddenly.
Just a few inches away from my face, chin on the interlaced hands, my love is looking at me intently.
A ghost of the usual spark showing again in her sky-blue eyes and a small smile on her lips.
“Whatcha doing?” I ask in a sleep hoarse voice, blinking the rest of sleep away.
“Looking at my gorgeous girlfriend.” She answers in a whisper.
I snort; “Oooh fascinating!”
“For me, it is.” She says with a frown at my self deprecating comment.
I smile at her as I reach with a hand to comb my fingers through her hair; “Are you feeling better, sweetie?”
“Yes, I am actually, thanks to you.” Arizona answers me with a tender smile. Her dimples make a quick appearance and my heart flutters.
Now that I know she’s feeling better, and that we’re over the crisis, I can’t help wondering what started the whole thing. It’s not unusual for Arizona to have bad days. She sees too much harshness, too many suffering children not to. But she’s very good at compartmentalizing, and over time she built coping systems for herself. They usually allow her to go to work every day, smile at everyone she meets and play with the kids, as sick as they might be.
It’s well known in the whole hospital that Arizona is the only peds doctor that the kids always welcome with smiles and happy faces. Whatever test or poking she has to submit them to.
What was different today? Is it something I should know about? Of course I should know, I’m her girlfriend, if something can put her in such a state, then it’s something I need to know about! I want to ask her but I’m worried about opening that barely closed wound again.
My internal debate must be showing on my face as the soft voice of my lover brings my attention back to her.
“What are you thinking about?” she asks.
For all of a minute I consider finding an excuse to offer her. But she knows me too well, and at the light narrowing of her eyes right now, I realize she knows exactly what I almost intended to do.
“I don’t want to talk about it because it’s going to make you hurt again.” I admit, deciding total honesty was the best path to take. Maybe she’ll just drop it.
NOT. Who would have believed I could find a woman just as stubborn as myself?
“Calliope,” she starts in a serious tone, “if it’s something that’s troubling you, I want us to talk about it, even if it’s painful. No more secrets, even by omission, remember?”
I blush, as I know exactly what she’s talking about. The lecture about the polio case episode and my umpteenth ‘putting my foot in my mouth’ incident. The one where I mentioned my one night stand with Karev in front a full room of people.
I was ready for a jealousy fit that day but, once more, she surprised me. I had to go through one of her famous lectures, of course. But this one was about how the past is the past and that she didn’t feel threaten by Karev in the least. I thought I heard her mumble something about a brick under her breath too but I didn’t get the chance to clarify that. She then let me know pretty clearly how embarrassing it has been for her to learn about it at the same time than two hundreds co-workers. And that she’d keep an eye on Karev.
No need to mention I still didn’t get any that night. Lesson learned! Yes ma’am!
“I…,” I stutter.
“Just ask me, Calliope.” She softly says.
With a sigh, I look deeply in her clear eyes, intending to check for any change in them that would tell me this is too hard for her.
“I was wondering why this case got to you so badly.” I whisper, like if saying it too loud would make it sound even harsher.
I can see her blue eyes cloud a bit but she doesn’t chicken away from the question. I have so many things to learn from that woman. Not to run away is a major one of them.
She sighs and I can see her gathering her inner strength before she starts speaking.
“I couldn’t stand to loose that kid. When I got inside that examination room and saw him… with his blond hair and blue eyes.” Arizona starts as her eyes filled up with tears again.
“And his dimples,” I add in a whisper. I’m starting to see where this is going, as I understand why the kid’s dimples struck home with me. It’s suddenly obvious to me. “It’s about your brother, isn’t it?”
Arizona just nods and swallows hard before laying her head down on my chest again.
“His name was Danny,” she starts in a low voice. “He was my twin brother.”
‘Oh my God!’ I think as I’m feeling my heart break a little more for my lover.
“You don’t have to talk about it, baby.” I murmur as I start running her fingers through blonde hair again. I need the comfort of touching her and I hope she’ll get some comfort out of it too.
“I want to,” my girlfriend answers. “I want to know everything about you and you probably need to know more about me too. We don’t talk that much when you think about it.”
I can feel a smile appear unwillingly on my face, as I realize why we don’t spend much time talking; “Well, we usually have better things to do.” I say with a seductive look.
Arizona lets a small laugh out. “That’s true.” She approves, “And I know I have my part of responsibilities in that situation. I did all I could to stay in the sexy part of things. But now I feel like it’s time to share a bit of myself with you.”
I know she’s right we need to if we want our relationship to survive. I’m sure I want it to survive I want it to last forever. At this minute I can see she wants the same thing.
She sighs and looks like she’s trying to pluck up the courage to speak about such a painful subject.
“When we were kids we were the typical twins. We were so close that we didn’t really need any outside party. And it was a good thing because with a father in the marine corps we were moving all the time, you know?” Arizona starts and looks in my eyes.
I nod in understanding, encouraging her to keep going with my eyes.
“We did have friends though, but the difference was I had more boys for friends than most girls. Because of Danny.”
I have to laugh at that; “Do you think it might have something to do with your sexual orientation?”
My smile widen when Arizona laughs too: “I’m not sure, I personally think I was born a lesbian. But who really knows what can influence someone’s sexual orientation?”
“True.” I agree.
“When we were teens, things turned around a bit as I was looking for girls’ company more and more. Problem was Danny tended to fall for the same girls. He was always asking me to play matchmaker for him.” Arizona says, making a face, her eyes never leaving mine. She smiles when I burst out laughing again. I just love the insight in my lover’s youth.
I stop laughing fast, though, when her smile fades and she starts speaking again; “We grew apart as we got older. For many reasons and not even realizing it, I think. It always was obvious he would follow in our father’s footsteps. I don’t think he ever even considered doing something else than join the Marines.”
“How did you react when it did happen though?” I ask, aware that knowing something will happen and seeing it happen is a whole different matter. I move my hand to the back of her neck, trying to massage away the tension I can feel building in her shoulders.
Arizona closes her eyes at the contact, sighing deeply.
“I didn’t really. I’m a military brat, we were surrounded by soldiers from birth. I guess we didn’t grow up with the same point of view about the whole thing as non-military people. It did catch up with me though, in the worse way, when he left for Iraq.” She was now speaking fast as if she was in a rush to finish.
I could only let her talk and let go of some of the weight, while encouraging her with tender touches.
I frown when my lover’s face drops,
“When we got the news, I couldn’t believe it at first. I was sure I would have felt it if something had happened to him, like when we were kids. It really hit me in that hangar, looking at that flag covered coffin, knowing my brother was inside. I felt like a part of me died at that moment.”
The tears come again then and Arizona buries her face against my chest.
I can only wrap my arms around her again and hold her tight. I know that allowing those tears to flow will help my lover in her healing process.
With a few tender words, I try to carry my girlfriend through the wave of pain until the sobs stop.
“That boy, he was the spitting image of Danny at that age.” My blond love finishes in a hoarse voice.
“I’m sorry, baby.” I say then, “That you have to go through that. And also about how I reacted back then, when George enlisted. I had no idea. It’s not an excuse either, I should have listened to your point of view instead of running away.”
I release my hold when I feel her lift her head to look at me.
“It’s ok, Calliope. It’s all in the past.” My beautiful woman reassures me with just a few words, like always. “Besides I’m not sure if you realize it but you have changed a lot since then. I’m pretty sure you’d react differently now.”
I just shrug, hoping she’s right. There are quite a few things I’ve done, that I’m not proud of. I can only welcome the change if it keeps me from making the same mistakes again.
I watch her eyes close as my hand still works on her neck. She rests her chin on her hands again. After a moment a smile of contentment slowly appears on her face. Soon I make out her adorable dimples, making me think about the child she must have been.
“Who did you get the dimples from?” I hear myself ask suddenly.
She laughs and answers in a clearer voice; “My dad, the blue eyes and blonde hair come from my mother.”
Suddenly I want to know more about her brother. He has been such a big part of her life, of her really. I think for a minute before taking the chance to ask another question.
“Were the two of you looking alike? Danny and you I mean.” I ask finally and I’m relieved when her expression just turns a bit more melancholic.
“Well, obviously we weren’t identical twins, but we looked alike enough for people who didn’t know us to mix us. Mostly when we were very young. It changed only when Danny got his first big boy haircut.” She answers with a smile. “He was getting so mad when people thought we were both girls because of his curls.”
I laughed lightly at her memory, easily imagining the two blonde hair, blue eyed, dimples covered toddlers.
I sigh in relief at feeling her relax at last. Seeing her talk about her brother and remembering the good times rather than think of the tragic ones.
Realizing how much I want to bring back that wonderful laugh again, I just allowed myself to think out loud.
“I just can see you at 7, all big blue eyes and blonde curls. Little Arizona asking for a medical kit for Christmas… And playing doctors with the little girls of the neighbourhood.”
My tactic pays off as she burst out laughing.
“You’re nuts, Calliope Torres!” she says still giggling.
“Yeah but you love me anyway.” I answer with a beaming smile.
“And I do love you so much.” She says in a low voice, the tone of the conversation changing suddenly. I watch in fascination as the look in her eyes changes from amusement to love, then arousal.
I know what this is about. It’s time for typical ‘let’s prove we are alive sex’. I was expecting it to happen, knowing my lover as I do. But I thought she’d wait for us to be home after our shift.
‘Maybe not’, I think as she pulls herself up over me, taking my mouth in a passionate kiss. Her tongue looses no time invading my more than willing mouth, starting to caress my own.
Our tongues hotly slide against each other until we have to separate from lack of air. I gasp when she breathlessly whisper against my lips.
“Make love to me, Calliope. Bring me to life’s side again.”
I moan and feel myself getting wet instantly at the rawness of both her voice and her need.
I instantly grab the edge of her scrub top and pull it off over her head while her hands quickly untie the strings of both our scrubs pants.
My head starts spinning with arousal as my excited fingers briefly fight with her bra, needing it off faster than it’s willing to go.
During my short battle, my blonde spitfire keeps busy, pulling and pushing pants and underwear away from both of us. I gasp when she straddles my hips and presses her centre against my pubic bone. The wetness I feel gushing out of her and on my own skin makes me feel drunk. I get busy caressing every part of her body I can reach.
“Arizona…” I whisper as she pushes my scrub top and bra up high to get access to my breasts. Her small hands kneading them the way she knows I crave. Right away, I decide I won’t fight her to be on top this time, this just feels too good.
“I’m here, baby.” She moans as she keeps loving my breasts, her blue eyes stare deep in mine.
“I want you now!” I groan as I slip a hand between us. Without warning I plunge two fingers inside of her soaked core, making us both moan.
“Yeees!” she hisses as she leans her head back and starts languorously riding my hand.
I watch her with fascination. Her beautiful pale body straddling mine, her hands still on my breasts. It’s the most incredible sight I have ever seen in my life.
I could come from just watching her riding my hand, feeling my fingers inside of her as she moves up and down on them.
But I want to come with her. While sliding a third finger inside of her wet pulsing centre, I manoeuvre my own hand until it rests over my own hard clit. Soon she starts riding my hand faster and harder, the rawness of her need taking over.
“Arizona, baby, look at me.” I beg panting, wanting to look in her eyes as she comes.
I instantly feel my orgasm building as she continues thrusting down on my fingers push the back of my hand into my clit in a perfect rhythm. Her eyes, turned darker, looking deeply into mine. My free hand moves to her thigh and I can feel the muscles working as she moves up and down, lowering herself time and time again on my hand.
I know she’s getting close as her muscles tighten around my fingers, now buried deep inside her. A small pale hand reaches and pulls my hand from her thigh and intertwines our fingers tightly, temporarily forgetting her damaged hand.
I’m feeling myself tumble toward orgasm at the mix of visual and tactile overload. But I want her to come first. I want to be able to watch her face as orgasm hits her. I quickly move my thumb through her soaked folds gathering some warm juices before moving it to her clit, rubbing it gently.
She groans and thrusts down hard a few more times and moans: “I love you” as I feel her come over my hand. The feeling of her release gushing down my palm and the look on her face send me to my own powerful release. I have to bite my lower lip to prevent the scream that threatens to escape.
She collapses on top of me again and I hug her to me with one arm. My other hand is still buried inside of her, my arm trapped between our bodies. I can feel the small aftershocks that are buffeting her. I’m not ready to severe the connection just yet.
“I love you” I whisper in her ear between pants.
Turning her head, she kisses me tenderly. “ I love you, Calliope.” She repeats sweetly.
I feel her start to shiver after we revelled in the aftermath of our lovemaking for a while.
“Ready to go home? We can continue this in our own bed.” I suggest softly.
“Not quite.” She mumbles against my neck.
“You’re not?” I ask, surprised.
She looks at me with a mischievous look.
“Nope, you have to pull out first.” She answers with a suggestive wiggle of her eyebrows.
I laugh and slowly pull my fingers away from her heat, not missing the look of renewed desire that crosses her beautiful face as I do so. How can she have me so turned on again with just a look?
I give her a few seconds to gather her wits before asking her again in a teasing tone,
“Ready now?”
She growls; “Ready again you mean! Common woman, take me home! I’m not done with you yet!”
God I love that woman.
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