10:14 AM, Monday, 17 December 2012

[furiously_fiona]

*Fiona is in the midst of writing another irate letter to Michael Gove when the doorbell rings. She goes downstairs to answer it, shoos Molly away from the entry with her foot, and opens the door to find a courier waiting outside

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[bigalcampbell]

*When at last they come to a halt, Alastair sighs in relief to hear the ring of a familiar doorbell, followed by an unmistakeable barking. At least he's home. As the door shuts and the box is carried inside, Alastair braces himself for Fiona's reaction, whatever it may be. Best-case scenario, she laughs at him a bit then shouts at Peter a lot. Worst-case scenario, she laughs at him a lot then shouts at Peter a bit. Of course, there's an almost unimaginable number of variations on those themes, depending on her mood, but Alastair doesn't have much room left in his brain for such considerations.*

*Ideally, he'd wait in dignified silence for her to open the box and release him, but he doesn't want to be set down somewhere and forgotten about for hours. He jumps up and down as hard as he can, hoping to shake the box enough to inflame her curiosity.*

Fiona! It's me! Help me!

[furiously_fiona]

*Fiona can't feel Alastair's newspaper padded, hamster-sized jumpings, but she can hear a faint squeaking sound from inside the box. Oh God, if Peter's sent them some fucking ~rodent~- it's probably a Danny Alexander joke, and at least he didn't send it to them while the children were still living at home and would insist on keeping it, but honestly! She has enough to do saving the British education system from Michael Gove; she doesn't have time to look after a fucking ~squirrel~ or whatever it is.*

*No doubt Alastair thought it was hilarious and signed off on it. Because Alastair is not going to be the one cleaning up little pellets of rodent poo for the next five years.*

*Still, it's not the poor hamster's fault. No point in letting it suffocate in the box. She sets the box down on the kitchen room table, out of Molly's reach, and uses her key to slice open the packing tape.*

*Sure enough, there's a wire cage inside containing a bunch of shredded newspaper and... her partner?*

[bigalcampbell]

*There's a gigantic tearing sound, and then Alastair is squinting up at Fiona, all but lost for words. She seems to be in much the same predicament, at least for the moment. He coughs and tries to make his squeak as deep and manly as possible.*

Hello, dear.

[furiously_fiona]

*There is a brief silence as Fiona opens her mouth and discovers it is impossible to gape, talk and smile all at the same time. Eventually she manages to get the gaping under control and is left with just the smiling and the talking.*

What- why are you a hamster?