Don't Like? Don't Read! A Tragedy in Five Acts.
Don't Like? Don't Read! A Tragedy in Five Acts.
Cast: (in alphabetical order)
Dr. Gentle Reader -- A mild-mannered, well-behaved member of fandom who just wants to read fic.
Ms. Disgruntled Reader -- An irate, spluttering member of fandom rumoured to have once been a Gentle Reader.
The Fangirl Chorus -- Provides backup vocals and peanut gallery-style commentating.
Act One: The Title
DR GENTLE READER wanders onstage, clutching a thermal mug filled with a beverage that strongly suggests caffeine. She is carrying a shoulder tote filled with books, one of which happens to be HARVEY BLOTTER AND THE HALF-BAKED PIE. She notices the DESK in the far corner of the stage. On the DESK is a DELL INSPIRON NOTEBOOK with a WIRELESS CONNECTION, which is evidenced by an OMINOUS ORANGE LIGHT on the side of the NOTEBOOK.
DR GENTLE READER
But, soft! What contraption on yonder desk sits?
It is the Dell, and fanfic is my goal!
Eagerly, DGR hurries over to the DESK and takes a seat, lowering her tote to the floor. She quickly types something, and the NOTEBOOK's screen comes to life. We see a WEBSITE, tastefully blue and white, with a picture of a GOAT that adds a certain je ne sais quoi to the otherwise businesslike design.
THE FANGIRL CHORUS
Ha-lelujah!
DR GENTLE READER
I wonder what lovely stories have been posted to my friends list since I've last checked it!
She uses the NOTEBOOK's nifty touchpad to navigate to her LiveJournal friends list.
DR GENTLE READER
Oh, wow! So many fics to choose from! I really love shipping Harvey/Donnie. There are, like, fifteen thousand communities dedicated to their great and sc00by love! I've been so busy with school, I haven't checked my Hardonnie filter for two weeks! I bet there will be tons of great fic for me to read! Squee!
There is a SIGNIFICANT PAUSE in the background music (a light, flighty tune reminiscent of shopping malls and an oft-used substitute for busy signals) as DGR turns to face the audience.
DR GENTLE READER
You must be wondering - how is it possible that there are so many communities, and so much fic? Can all of it be good and worth reading? Of course not! That's why I use a principle I like to call--
THE FANGIRL CHORUS
Don't like? Don't read!
Don't like? Don't read!
Don't like? Don't read!
Don't like? Don't read!
The background music starts up again; it swells towards the vaulted ceiling with the defiant, brazen ringing of distant chimes. The lights dim, and DGR turns back toward the NOTEBOOK.
DR GENTLE READER
There's a science to finding good fic to read, you see. You can usually tell many things about a fic just by looking at the header, which contains crucial information like title, summary and warnings. They say it's not a good idea to judge a book by its cover, but the principle of "Don't like? Don't read!" relies wholly on such judgements. You need to be able to tell if you'll like a fic before you read it. Let me demonsrate:
THE FANGIRL CHORUS (suspensefully)
Lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, toadstool, toadstool!
Lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, toadstool, toadstool!
DR GENTLE READER (muttering)
Harvey Blotter and the Daughter of Listerine... no, probably a Mary Sue...
THE FANGIRL CHORUS
It's a Sue! It's a Sue!
Oh, it's a Sue!
DR GENTLE READER (muttering)
Harvey Blotter and the Chamberpot of Concealment... likely a canon rip-off...
Harvey Blotter's Adventures in Flipperland... nah, I don't like AU fics...
Love Burns Us, Precious... not into crossovers either...
i loff u harvy blotta... too fluffy...
The End of the Beginning of the End of Doom... now that's interesting.
THE FANGIRL CHORUS
O rly?
Fade to black.
Act Two: The Summary
The curtain rises and we see DGR sitting at the DESK, shoulders slightly hunched. The NOTEBOOK's monitor flickers mysteriously in the gloom.
DR GENTLE READER
Well, that title looked promising, but the summary was filled with these huge words. I decided it would be too boring. You see, the summary is a great way to see into the heart of a fic without having to read it first. Sometimes authors will say "I suck at summaries so sue me". And you know that kind of fic just isn't going to be very good, because honestly, who can't spell "s-e-w"? Or correctly pluralise "summary-s"? But you know, this is the good thing about shipping a popular pairing -- lots of other fish in the Hardonnie sea, nothing to worry about.
THE FANGIRL CHORUS
omgyay!
DR GENTLE READER
Anyway, I've got a list of fics with promising titles here now. Let's review their summaries.
THE FANGIRL CHORUS (suspensefully)
Lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, toadstool, toadstool!
Lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, toadstool, toadstool!
DR GENTLE READER (muttering)
It's the year 1999 and Borgdarts will never be the same again. A British transfer student, Zelda... yeah, ok, another Mary Sue...
THE FANGIRL CHORUS
It's a Sue! It's a Sue!
Oh, it's a Sue!
DR GENTLE READER (muttering)
After Harvey Blotter is taken to Mt. Fungus Medical Institute, Donnie Pinkfloyd is beside himself with grief... ugh, far too fluffy...
the gentle rains that fell for fifteen revolutions are rising up through streams of conscious lust, falling into the glowing embers of the dying summer flame. i wait for you beneath the velvet stars that shine with the light of... okay, one of those artsy-fartsy, intelligash fics, not really my bag...
In which there is fucking, and then more fucking... okay, I have nothing against fucking, but starting your summary with "in which"? Bitch, please...
Death. Pain. Suffering. Horrible Maledictions. Pretending in a Moth Club. In the Park.... cheer up, emo kid...
Harvey Blotter hates Donnie Pinkfloyd and the feeling is entirely mutual, until one day, Guillaume Grape puts them in detention... ooh, a detention fic! Fantastic!
THE FANGIRL CHORUS
Ya rly!
Fade to black.
Act Three: The Warnings
The curtain rises and we see DGR sitting at the DESK, shoulders hunched slightly further so that her nose is nearly touching the screen. The NOTEBOOK's monitor flickers rapidly in the gloom, giving off little sparks of static electricity.
DR GENTLE READER
Well, the detention fic turned out to carry a bondage warning. I'm not really into that, so I decided to keep looking. The warnings field in the header is a fantastic way to weed out the fics you really don't want to read before you start reading them! Some of the warnings these days - yikes! I think I saw Warning: Frogs once. Well, like I already said -- there's plenty of Hardonnie to choose from, so no big.
THE FANGIRL CHORUS
woo-hoo!
DR GENTLE READER
Anyway, I've searched some more titles and summaries and I have a nice little list here. Let's review the warnings, shall we?
THE FANGIRL CHORUS (suspensefully)
Lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, toadstool, toadstool!
Lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, toadstool, toadstool!
DR GENTLE READER (muttering)
Original Character... not another Mary Sue!
THE FANGIRL CHORUS
It's a Sue! It's a Sue!
Oh, it's a Sue!
DR GENTLE READER (muttering)
cross-dressing... pfft. I like my boys to stay boys, thanks very much...
non-linear narrative... more artsy-fartsy crap...
rimming... ew, squick...
voyeurism... not my kind of thing...
non-con... ooh, I love a great rapefic in the morning!
THE FANGIRL CHORUS
No wai!
Fade to black.
Act Four: The First Paragraph[s]
The curtain rises and we see DGR still sitting at the DESK, though she's no longer hunched over. She's sitting ramrod-straight and appears to have developed an EYETWITCH. The NOTEBOOK's monitor is so bright, it's making DGR's face stand out a stark profile, somehow reminiscent of one of the Harvey Blotter characters, one Ivan Bergeroff.
DR GENTLE READER
I really hate it when they say non-con and it really turns out to be one of those rape fantasy fics where the person being raped ends up enjoying it so much, they're begging for more. What does a girl have to do to read a real, nasty, violent non-con detention fic these days, huh? It's a good thing that the first few paragraphs are usually a pretty good indication of how the story's going to turn out, so you don't waste too much time figuring out if you'll like what you're reading.
THE FANGIRL CHORUS
Don't like? Don't read!
Don't like? Don't read!
Don't like? Don't read!
Don't like? Don't read!
DR GENTLE READER
Well, I've pulled together a list of non-con detention fics with clever titles, promising summaries and just the right warnings. Let's see what we can see.
THE FANGIRL CHORUS (suspensefully)
Lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, toadstool, toadstool!
Lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, toadstool, toadstool!
DR GENTLE READER (muttering)
No sooner did Harvey Blotter get out of the detention Grape had set him and Donnie Pinkfloyd that he ran into Luminosity Exultant, the large-breasted, doe-eyed transfer student from Zimbabwe... Oh my God! What the hell is it with the Sues? Talk about false advertising!
THE FANGIRL CHORUS
It's a Sue! It's a Sue!
Oh, it's a Sue!
DR GENTLE READER (muttering)
"Strip," said Harvey, levelling Donnie with a withering stare. The Listerine Catcher complied immediately, his eyes fearful. The Grabbyhor Catcher watched Pinkfloyd remove his belt with shaking hands... yeah, okay, epithet city...
Donnie cried out as Harvey's throbbing purple man sausage pushed past his delicate, quivering rosebud. It didn't take long for the two unwilling lovers to grow frenzied from each other's ministrations... hello euphemisms! ugh...
Im gon take yr back virginity dood. Said Harvy smirking. Pinkflyd open his mouth to say somthin but Harvy put his dick insyd... wow, she manages to spell in the summary but not here? okay...
harvey's eyes are saucers with plump black berries in the centre. surprise. donnie fastens ropes around harvey's wrists but the ropes fall away with the dewdrops and harvey breathes smiles runs through the thinlight, whitegrey mist. the air currents dance around them and when harvey opens his eyes, he's not alone anymore...yeah, I'd love this, except I have no fucking clue what's going on, and I bet no one else does, either...
"Pass the duck," said Harvey to Pinkfloyd, indicating the bright orange duck paperweight. With a smug look that said, "I know something you don't!", Pinkfloyd bent over to pick up the duck. Harvey's mouth went dry as he watched Pinkfloyd's already tight jeans show off a perfectly round bottom... oooh, this is sounding promising...
THE FANGIRL CHORUS
squee!
Fade to black.
Act Five: The Whoopsie-Daisy
As the curtain rises, we see that something terrible has happened. The DESK has been reduced to a neat heap of toothpick-thin splinters. The NOTEBOOK is facedown on the floor next to it, giving off thick smoke. No, wait, that's DGR's tote bag; it's on fire. DGR is nowhere to be seen. Instead, we see MS DISGRUNTLED READER with wild hair, her makeup running and her spectacles askew, pressing herself to the WALL furthest from the remains of the DESK and the NOTEBOOK. She's GIBBERING.
MS DISGRUNTLED READER (twitching)
Don't like don't read MY SKINNY ARSE! How the fuck are you supposed to know what the fuck you're going to like until you start reading it? And even then, you can always be disappointed halfway through because the fucking batshit insane fangirl author thinks that mpreg is not something that warrants a FUCKING WARNING! Not to mention total emasculation of perfectly virile male characters and the fucking OC self-insert in Chapter Five Hundred and Eighty Nine. And even to that point, you have to sort through piles and motherfuckin' PILES of sheer DRECK that's not even fit for fuckin' TOILET PAPER. Man. I hate this fucking fandom. Screw you guys with a sledgehammer! I'm going home to watch some Gay as Heck.
MDR exits stage left, limping.
THE FANGIRL CHORUS
Don't like? Don't read!
Don't like? Don't read!
Don't like? Don't read!
Don't like? Don't read!
furiosity (shouting from the top box)
Until next time -- take care of yourselves... and each other.
Final Curtain.
Cast: (in alphabetical order)
Dr. Gentle Reader -- A mild-mannered, well-behaved member of fandom who just wants to read fic.
Ms. Disgruntled Reader -- An irate, spluttering member of fandom rumoured to have once been a Gentle Reader.
The Fangirl Chorus -- Provides backup vocals and peanut gallery-style commentating.
Act One: The Title
DR GENTLE READER wanders onstage, clutching a thermal mug filled with a beverage that strongly suggests caffeine. She is carrying a shoulder tote filled with books, one of which happens to be HARVEY BLOTTER AND THE HALF-BAKED PIE. She notices the DESK in the far corner of the stage. On the DESK is a DELL INSPIRON NOTEBOOK with a WIRELESS CONNECTION, which is evidenced by an OMINOUS ORANGE LIGHT on the side of the NOTEBOOK.
DR GENTLE READER
But, soft! What contraption on yonder desk sits?
It is the Dell, and fanfic is my goal!
Eagerly, DGR hurries over to the DESK and takes a seat, lowering her tote to the floor. She quickly types something, and the NOTEBOOK's screen comes to life. We see a WEBSITE, tastefully blue and white, with a picture of a GOAT that adds a certain je ne sais quoi to the otherwise businesslike design.
THE FANGIRL CHORUS
Ha-lelujah!
DR GENTLE READER
I wonder what lovely stories have been posted to my friends list since I've last checked it!
She uses the NOTEBOOK's nifty touchpad to navigate to her LiveJournal friends list.
DR GENTLE READER
Oh, wow! So many fics to choose from! I really love shipping Harvey/Donnie. There are, like, fifteen thousand communities dedicated to their great and sc00by love! I've been so busy with school, I haven't checked my Hardonnie filter for two weeks! I bet there will be tons of great fic for me to read! Squee!
There is a SIGNIFICANT PAUSE in the background music (a light, flighty tune reminiscent of shopping malls and an oft-used substitute for busy signals) as DGR turns to face the audience.
DR GENTLE READER
You must be wondering - how is it possible that there are so many communities, and so much fic? Can all of it be good and worth reading? Of course not! That's why I use a principle I like to call--
THE FANGIRL CHORUS
Don't like? Don't read!
Don't like? Don't read!
Don't like? Don't read!
Don't like? Don't read!
The background music starts up again; it swells towards the vaulted ceiling with the defiant, brazen ringing of distant chimes. The lights dim, and DGR turns back toward the NOTEBOOK.
DR GENTLE READER
There's a science to finding good fic to read, you see. You can usually tell many things about a fic just by looking at the header, which contains crucial information like title, summary and warnings. They say it's not a good idea to judge a book by its cover, but the principle of "Don't like? Don't read!" relies wholly on such judgements. You need to be able to tell if you'll like a fic before you read it. Let me demonsrate:
THE FANGIRL CHORUS (suspensefully)
Lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, toadstool, toadstool!
Lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, toadstool, toadstool!
DR GENTLE READER (muttering)
Harvey Blotter and the Daughter of Listerine... no, probably a Mary Sue...
THE FANGIRL CHORUS
It's a Sue! It's a Sue!
Oh, it's a Sue!
DR GENTLE READER (muttering)
Harvey Blotter and the Chamberpot of Concealment... likely a canon rip-off...
Harvey Blotter's Adventures in Flipperland... nah, I don't like AU fics...
Love Burns Us, Precious... not into crossovers either...
i loff u harvy blotta... too fluffy...
The End of the Beginning of the End of Doom... now that's interesting.
THE FANGIRL CHORUS
O rly?
Fade to black.
Act Two: The Summary
The curtain rises and we see DGR sitting at the DESK, shoulders slightly hunched. The NOTEBOOK's monitor flickers mysteriously in the gloom.
DR GENTLE READER
Well, that title looked promising, but the summary was filled with these huge words. I decided it would be too boring. You see, the summary is a great way to see into the heart of a fic without having to read it first. Sometimes authors will say "I suck at summaries so sue me". And you know that kind of fic just isn't going to be very good, because honestly, who can't spell "s-e-w"? Or correctly pluralise "summary-s"? But you know, this is the good thing about shipping a popular pairing -- lots of other fish in the Hardonnie sea, nothing to worry about.
THE FANGIRL CHORUS
omgyay!
DR GENTLE READER
Anyway, I've got a list of fics with promising titles here now. Let's review their summaries.
THE FANGIRL CHORUS (suspensefully)
Lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, toadstool, toadstool!
Lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, toadstool, toadstool!
DR GENTLE READER (muttering)
It's the year 1999 and Borgdarts will never be the same again. A British transfer student, Zelda... yeah, ok, another Mary Sue...
THE FANGIRL CHORUS
It's a Sue! It's a Sue!
Oh, it's a Sue!
DR GENTLE READER (muttering)
After Harvey Blotter is taken to Mt. Fungus Medical Institute, Donnie Pinkfloyd is beside himself with grief... ugh, far too fluffy...
the gentle rains that fell for fifteen revolutions are rising up through streams of conscious lust, falling into the glowing embers of the dying summer flame. i wait for you beneath the velvet stars that shine with the light of... okay, one of those artsy-fartsy, intelligash fics, not really my bag...
In which there is fucking, and then more fucking... okay, I have nothing against fucking, but starting your summary with "in which"? Bitch, please...
Death. Pain. Suffering. Horrible Maledictions. Pretending in a Moth Club. In the Park.... cheer up, emo kid...
Harvey Blotter hates Donnie Pinkfloyd and the feeling is entirely mutual, until one day, Guillaume Grape puts them in detention... ooh, a detention fic! Fantastic!
THE FANGIRL CHORUS
Ya rly!
Fade to black.
Act Three: The Warnings
The curtain rises and we see DGR sitting at the DESK, shoulders hunched slightly further so that her nose is nearly touching the screen. The NOTEBOOK's monitor flickers rapidly in the gloom, giving off little sparks of static electricity.
DR GENTLE READER
Well, the detention fic turned out to carry a bondage warning. I'm not really into that, so I decided to keep looking. The warnings field in the header is a fantastic way to weed out the fics you really don't want to read before you start reading them! Some of the warnings these days - yikes! I think I saw Warning: Frogs once. Well, like I already said -- there's plenty of Hardonnie to choose from, so no big.
THE FANGIRL CHORUS
woo-hoo!
DR GENTLE READER
Anyway, I've searched some more titles and summaries and I have a nice little list here. Let's review the warnings, shall we?
THE FANGIRL CHORUS (suspensefully)
Lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, toadstool, toadstool!
Lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, toadstool, toadstool!
DR GENTLE READER (muttering)
Original Character... not another Mary Sue!
THE FANGIRL CHORUS
It's a Sue! It's a Sue!
Oh, it's a Sue!
DR GENTLE READER (muttering)
cross-dressing... pfft. I like my boys to stay boys, thanks very much...
non-linear narrative... more artsy-fartsy crap...
rimming... ew, squick...
voyeurism... not my kind of thing...
non-con... ooh, I love a great rapefic in the morning!
THE FANGIRL CHORUS
No wai!
Fade to black.
Act Four: The First Paragraph[s]
The curtain rises and we see DGR still sitting at the DESK, though she's no longer hunched over. She's sitting ramrod-straight and appears to have developed an EYETWITCH. The NOTEBOOK's monitor is so bright, it's making DGR's face stand out a stark profile, somehow reminiscent of one of the Harvey Blotter characters, one Ivan Bergeroff.
DR GENTLE READER
I really hate it when they say non-con and it really turns out to be one of those rape fantasy fics where the person being raped ends up enjoying it so much, they're begging for more. What does a girl have to do to read a real, nasty, violent non-con detention fic these days, huh? It's a good thing that the first few paragraphs are usually a pretty good indication of how the story's going to turn out, so you don't waste too much time figuring out if you'll like what you're reading.
THE FANGIRL CHORUS
Don't like? Don't read!
Don't like? Don't read!
Don't like? Don't read!
Don't like? Don't read!
DR GENTLE READER
Well, I've pulled together a list of non-con detention fics with clever titles, promising summaries and just the right warnings. Let's see what we can see.
THE FANGIRL CHORUS (suspensefully)
Lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, toadstool, toadstool!
Lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, lizard, toadstool, toadstool!
DR GENTLE READER (muttering)
No sooner did Harvey Blotter get out of the detention Grape had set him and Donnie Pinkfloyd that he ran into Luminosity Exultant, the large-breasted, doe-eyed transfer student from Zimbabwe... Oh my God! What the hell is it with the Sues? Talk about false advertising!
THE FANGIRL CHORUS
It's a Sue! It's a Sue!
Oh, it's a Sue!
DR GENTLE READER (muttering)
"Strip," said Harvey, levelling Donnie with a withering stare. The Listerine Catcher complied immediately, his eyes fearful. The Grabbyhor Catcher watched Pinkfloyd remove his belt with shaking hands... yeah, okay, epithet city...
Donnie cried out as Harvey's throbbing purple man sausage pushed past his delicate, quivering rosebud. It didn't take long for the two unwilling lovers to grow frenzied from each other's ministrations... hello euphemisms! ugh...
Im gon take yr back virginity dood. Said Harvy smirking. Pinkflyd open his mouth to say somthin but Harvy put his dick insyd... wow, she manages to spell in the summary but not here? okay...
harvey's eyes are saucers with plump black berries in the centre. surprise. donnie fastens ropes around harvey's wrists but the ropes fall away with the dewdrops and harvey breathes smiles runs through the thinlight, whitegrey mist. the air currents dance around them and when harvey opens his eyes, he's not alone anymore...yeah, I'd love this, except I have no fucking clue what's going on, and I bet no one else does, either...
"Pass the duck," said Harvey to Pinkfloyd, indicating the bright orange duck paperweight. With a smug look that said, "I know something you don't!", Pinkfloyd bent over to pick up the duck. Harvey's mouth went dry as he watched Pinkfloyd's already tight jeans show off a perfectly round bottom... oooh, this is sounding promising...
THE FANGIRL CHORUS
squee!
Fade to black.
Act Five: The Whoopsie-Daisy
As the curtain rises, we see that something terrible has happened. The DESK has been reduced to a neat heap of toothpick-thin splinters. The NOTEBOOK is facedown on the floor next to it, giving off thick smoke. No, wait, that's DGR's tote bag; it's on fire. DGR is nowhere to be seen. Instead, we see MS DISGRUNTLED READER with wild hair, her makeup running and her spectacles askew, pressing herself to the WALL furthest from the remains of the DESK and the NOTEBOOK. She's GIBBERING.
MS DISGRUNTLED READER (twitching)
Don't like don't read MY SKINNY ARSE! How the fuck are you supposed to know what the fuck you're going to like until you start reading it? And even then, you can always be disappointed halfway through because the fucking batshit insane fangirl author thinks that mpreg is not something that warrants a FUCKING WARNING! Not to mention total emasculation of perfectly virile male characters and the fucking OC self-insert in Chapter Five Hundred and Eighty Nine. And even to that point, you have to sort through piles and motherfuckin' PILES of sheer DRECK that's not even fit for fuckin' TOILET PAPER. Man. I hate this fucking fandom. Screw you guys with a sledgehammer! I'm going home to watch some Gay as Heck.
MDR exits stage left, limping.
THE FANGIRL CHORUS
Don't like? Don't read!
Don't like? Don't read!
Don't like? Don't read!
Don't like? Don't read!
furiosity (shouting from the top box)
Until next time -- take care of yourselves... and each other.
Final Curtain.