[super junior] hate me baby maybe i'm a piece of art
lmao this fic why didn't anyone stop me!! This is 6700 words of epic nonsense I hope everyone is happy. btw doumyoujitsukas this is totally happy qmi for your bday and stuff.
hate me baby maybe i'm a piece of art
super junior // kyuhyun/zhou mi (+ sjm) // 6,753 words (wae)
[Ouran Host Club!AU] in which Zhou Mi is a rich oppa with sparkly red hair and long legs, Kyuhyun is a poor commoner with bad skin, and all of SJM are graceful gentlemen (who sell a lot of photobooks).
hate me baby maybe i'm a piece of art
-
"In this world, there are two kinds of luxury: luxury that means money on the table, and luxury that means exclusivity."
Long nimble fingers with perfectly manicured nails tangled themselves in his ribbon bow tie, knotting and smoothing it into place around his neck under the crisp collar of his white Egyptian cotton dress shirt. One forefinger brushed his jaw, and Kyuhyun looked up on cue. Soft-looking lips curved into a pleased smile were millimetres from him, warm breath puffing on his cheek. The finger remained where it was on the side of his jaw, keeping his eyesight up in contact with bright cat-like... purple eyes. Today was a purple contact lenses day. What was the theme again, Kyuhyun asked himself.
"And remember, what we have on show here is luxury as exclusivity. Grace and elegance. Subtle, discreet and respectful."
A soft fluffy black fur hat was gently placed on his head. Kyuhyun tried to glance at the mirror to determine that it didn't look like some animal had died on his head. He had seen Siwon's and Sungmin's, he was not taking any chances. He spared a badly disguised judging frown at Zhou Mi's top hat. Zhou Mi had a top hat, why did everyone else have a dead animal? Well, except for Ryeowook, but Ryeowook controlled the entire operation, so.
"Are you ready, Kuixian?" Zhou Mi smiled at him like a mother doting on her newly dressed up child. Kyuhyun patted at his fluffy hat, feeling vaguely uncomfortable.
"I just have one question."
"Yes?"
"Why are we dressing up as Russian huntsmen in the middle of the summer?"
Zhou Mi blinked at him, looking as though he had just asked why two plus two equaled four. "But what do we have perfectly functioning air-conditioning for, if not fabulous exotic themed parties? And the theme is European aristocrats, mind you. Everyone would surely appreciate a breath of chilled air in the middle of the summer!"
Just on cue, a blast of cold air hit him straight in the face.
"Oops sorry Kyuhyun, I was testing out the equipment!" Eunhyuk called out from the other side of the room, not sounding very sorry. Donghae made a victory sign next to him. Kyuhyun cupped his half-frozen face, silently reciting the eight million won mantra in his head.
"Eunhyuk, you just messed up Kuixian's perfect hair that took me half an hour to do!" Zhou Mi wailed, just in time with Ryeowook stepping up and snapping his fingers.
"Opening time, the first guests are coming!"
Everyone scrambled to their position. Zhou Mi immediately dragged him by the neck and deposited him smack right in the middle of the group. "Kuixian, sit here! Cross your legs! Hands together in your lap!" Dead fluffy animals surrounded him, Siwon's particularly vicious one right in front of his face, Henry kept tugging on his skin-tight baby blue jeans, and Zhou Mi stretched out on the floor next to his feet like a fabulous model in his pink ruffle shirt, green pants, and giant top hat. The door slowly creaked open, revealing the first glimpses of silk dresses and silver heels, and the lights flashed on.
"Welcome to SM Host Club~"
-
Private School Star M, located on a small hill just outside the centre of noisy Seoul, as everyone knew, first was about lineage, second was about money. This was where all the crème de la crème young ladies and gentlemen of high society went to for their education, as well as their entertainment. To satisfy the demand of young elite ladies with too much free time on their hand, a special school club was born. SM Host Club's responsibility was to entertain the female body of the school's population with high-class parties, cultural experiences, and all the care and love a lady could want. The club quickly shot to fame, becoming the most popular club in the school, with weeks-long reservation list from the girls and a constant source of envy for the boys. The prestigious Host Club was a group of seven young men with an excess of family wealth, free time, and stunning beauty, along with a poor young man on a special scholarship working to pay off his debt.
How poor commoner Cho Kyuhyun came to work as a host at the prestigious SM Host Club was a series of unfortunate events.
It was only his third day at SM High School. It had been quite fine up to that point actually. He came to SM on a special scholarship, and it was clear that his nobody and no-money status was a far cry from all the perfect young men and women at SM, but no one was particularly nasty or paid him much attention, so Kyuhyun was perfectly fine with his life. He went to class, he went home, all was well with the world. Except that certain morning, he was out of clean sweaters because someone had put a bright red shirt into the laundry the night before, his contact lenses went missing so he had to wear his slightly cracked old glasses, some blasted neighbour kid threw glue at his hair so he had to hastily chop some locks off to get to school on time, and because he left in a hurry he had forgotten to bring lunch. Kyuhyun clutched at his books, feeling more than slightly hostile towards the world as he stormed out of the library. It was the third library in the school he had gone into, and it was impossibly noisy.
"If you're not going to study, why would you be in the library?" Kyuhyun mumbled under his breath. They were more like glorified common areas, full of girls tilting about like little chicks sharing the latest gossips.
"Oh my god, did you see Zhou Mi oppa when he came into school today? He dyed his hair back to deep red again! Oh my god I love that colour, it's so sexy on him!"
"Aww I know right? Zhou Mi oppa is a flawless fashionista no matter what he does! His hair was seriously sparkling like vivid premium ruby in the sunlight this morning!"
Then the whole group of girls made high-pitched cooing noise only a dolphin could decipher with their hands cupping their flaming cheeks and Kyuhyun was just like "...let me just get out of here."
How could it be so difficult to find a quiet room in this entire palace of a school, Kyuhyun wondered. Huffing in annoyance, he trekked his way down a seemingly deserted hallway. A single door stood at the end of the hallway, with a small sign that said "Music Room". It sounded quiet though. Kyuhyun shrugged, decided it was most likely an empty room, and pushed the door open-
"Welcome to SM Host Club~!!"
The room was flooded with bright sunshine, the light sparkling off silver and mirrors, blinding him momentarily. When his eyes readjusted, he realized there was a group of guys standing together in the middle of the room, dressed in... Edwardian-style suits with a truckload of frills and ruffles and... pearls? They were also somehow sparkling and glowing. Then Kyuhyun realized it was the work of an enormous spotlight in the corner of the room. Nevertheless, they were an exceptionally good-looking group of people.
"Oh, huh, it's just a guy..."
"Ugh, made me think we were opening early today. We even had to stand in position." A guy rubbed his head, looking disappointed.
"Now now, don't be impolite, a guest is still a guest!" The one who had been sitting in the middle of the group stood up, and Kyuhyun unconsciously took a step back because wow this guy was tall. Kyuhyun was not short by any means but this guy could completely tower over him. He was also the one who was the most sparkly in the room, perhaps because he was wearing a rather huge pearl necklace and his hair was red.
"Good afternoon, and welcome to SM Host Club, special scholarship student Cho Kyuhyun!"
Kyuhyun stared at the offered hand, glancing suspiciously at the abnormally tall guy. "How do you know me?"
"if we didn't, we wouldn't be in this school," a small young man standing off to the side spoke up, his eyes glued to an ipad he was holding in his hands. "Cho Kyuhyun, first year entry, on the special Star M scholarship program for outstanding academic achievement in Mathematics after having won the national Olympics last year, basically a commoner, no special family heritage, no recognized lineage or family business, family income of-"
"Okay, okay, enough!" Kyuhyun raised a hand up, "what are you, head of the Korean National Security Bureau?" The small man simply smiled at him. It was rather intimidating for someone of such a size. "Uh, nevermind. Who are you people anyway?"
"Oh yeah, you're new. We are the SM Host Club!" Tall red-haired guy re-appeared in front of his face. Kyuhyun took another step back.
"What is that?"
"We are graceful and handsome gentlemen serving elegant and beautiful ladies in their free time," he grinned the grin of a Cheshire cat, and Kyuhyun stared as a rose appeared out of nowhere, brushing his face. "But of course there could be exceptions. What would be your preference, Cho Kyuhyun-sshi?"
Kyuhyun blanched, moving several steps back from the looming man. "What, no, I was just-"
"You don't have to be shy," the other man's long fingers tapped against his jaw, "so do you want a gentleman like Siwon, the cute pouty type like Sungmin, the shy quiet one like Ryeowook, the artistic soul like Henry, the mischievous double act EunHae, or someone as fabulously perfect as... me? I'm Zhou Mi, by the way." Zhou Mi leaned in close, his red hair brushing against Kyuhyun's forehead, and Kyuhyun screamed inside his soul.
"No! I mean, uh, I'm going now, sorry for intruding, bye!" He wrenched himself out of Zhou Mi's grasp, flinging himself out of the room. Alas, he had forgotten that he was still holding his schoolbag in his hand. The bag flew in the air, and before Kyuhyun could realize what was happening, smashed against a vase near the entrance.
There was a loud crashing sound, and then complete, utter silence. Everyone stared at the million broken china pieces on the floor. Kyuhyun was frozen on his feet.
"Oh. Well. There goes the 8-million-won Ming-dynasty vase our principal love so much." The guy with the gummy smile shrugged, breaking the silence. The one who was hanging off his shoulder grinned widely.
"And it was going to be included in the school's next auction, too."
Kyuhyun tried to resist the temptation of falling to his knees and dying over the whole day. "I'm... very sorry. I'll repay this. Somehow."
The small man with the ipad stepped closer, peering at him. "How? You are not even able to pay for decent uniform. Nor glasses. Nor a haircut."
Kyuhyun flushed. "That's not-"
"It's decided then," Zhou Mi stepped up, his red hair flipping artistically in the (electric fan) wind, sparkling like ruby in the (stadium spotlight) light. "If you cannot pay for the broken vase with money, you have to repay with your body!"
"W H A T."
-
So that was how the poor commoner Cho Kyuhyun ended up working at the prestigious SM Host Club. Except the road to (very questionable) glory was not one without obstacles.
"Okay, so now that Kyuhyun is working for our host club to repay for the broken vase, I have to say there are a few issues with this." The cute pouty guy actually pouted, Kyuhyun stared in vague amazement. He was short, sort of rounded around the edge in the baby boy way that older girls always cooed over. Huge shiny eyes, red pouty lips, and basically looking like a kid who did not belong in a high school. He was also stuffing his face with chocolate cake.
"Do continue, Sungmin-hyung," Zhou Mi nodded, strangely enthusiastic.
"Well, an extra hand is good and all, and I'm sure Kyuhyun is a nice person, but the thing is..." Sungmin paused to nibble on the strawberry on his cake, "his aesthetics... don't fit into our host club's image."
"Hm, that's true. Even just working as a coffee runner, his face might offend our beautiful ladies." The one with the gummy smile, Eunhyuk, nodded. His parasite Donghae grinned at Kyuhyun, looking both attentive and spaced out. Kyuhyun sort of wanted to punch them both.
"We will have time to discuss that later, now it's almost opening time, you guys." The small guy, Ryeowook as Kyuhyun had learned, clapped his hands. As if on cue, the door to the room slowly creaked open. As everyone ran to their post, Zhou Mi pulled him over with a grin, whispering lowly, "Stay with me, commoner." Kyuhyun rolled his eyes.
Watching the host club in action was actually quite amazing. Their clientele were actually the noisy squealing girls in the hallways and libraries, only intensified ten-fold.
Siwon The Gentleman
"Ladies, it's wonderful to see you again. Would you like some coffee? I had the special Arabica roasted coffee imported from my family's plant in South America just last week, I'm sure the taste would be impeccable."
"But Siwon-oppa..." A girl bit on her handkerchief, eyes tearing up, "I cannot drink coffee these days. It might damage my sensitive skin."
Before she could finish her sentence, three other girls had jumped in and pushed her aside, "Oppa, I will drink your coffee!!" then proceeded to down all three cups of scalding hot coffee in one gulp.
"Uh," Kyuhyun glanced at Ryeowook who was typing on his ipad, his eyes closely monitoring Siwon and his lady friends, "Didn't I see that coffee coming from the a sketchy half-finished paper bag in the backroom?"
"The more coffee they drink, the higher the hourly charge will be. The coffee is official Host Club merchandise as well." Ryeowook shrugged.
"O... kay..."
Sungmin The Cute Bunny
"I forgot to feed Bunny-chan today because I was hungry. Is it really okay for me to eat so much cake?" Sungmin's big eyes welled up with shiny tears, the pouty full lips trembling as he clutched a pink stuffed bunny to his chest.
"Awwww, Sungmin-oppa, of course you can eat as much cake as you want!"
"Sungmin-oppa, let me feed your Bunny-chan for you!"
"Sungmin-oppa, let me squish you!!"
"Kyuhyun, stop gagging, it's unbecoming." Ryeowook nudged him in the ribs. Kyuhyun coughed, wiping his forehead with a napkin.
"Uh, where did that bunny come from..."
"We have a stuffed animals storeroom in the back if you want one."
"No thanks. Why isn't he in a proper middle school? Is he a genius somehow?"
"What are you talking about? Sungmin-hyung is the oldest in SM Host Club. He's graduating next term."
"W H A T."
Eunhyuk/Donghae The Inseparable Double Act
"You look dashing in your outfit today, Donghae-oppa, just like a prince from a faraway country."
"Why thank you, my darling princess. It's all thanks to Eunhyuk who helped me with my laced up shirt today, if it was just me I certainly wouldn't have looked anywhere as decent as this."
"Donghae, you don't need to broadcast everything I do for you!"
"But Eunhyuk, my heart is truly thankful to you for every little moment we share!"
"Oh Donghae..."
"KYAAAAAAAHHHH!!"
"Kyuhyun, don't throw up on my shoes."
Henry The Violin Artist
"Henry-oppa you are so talented! Can you play Baby one more time for us?"
"Thanks guys, you Strings are the best!" The boy did a round of enthusiastic high-fives and fist-bumps with all the girls in the group. "Let me just find my stylin' red cap and red jacket first ok?"
"..."
"He's Canadian." Ryeowook said in way of explanation.
Zhou Mi The Fabulous Host Club Prince
"My lovely Honeys, how have you all been?" Zhou Mi smiled, and kittens and sunshine flooded the entire room. He ran a hand slowly through the soft strands of his red hair, the strands sparkling in the sunshine around his long and graceful fingers. A group of girls swooned. Zhou Mi's other hand came down to tug at his collar where a red Givenchy silk scarf was strategically placed, and tugged it off fluidly, revealing a wide expanse of long white neck. Another group of girls dropped to the floor with long happy sighs.
"The warm sunshine today is such a wonderful compliment to your pure beauties." Zhou Mi tilted his head, turning up the volume of his smile, touching a girl's hair lightly with his fingers, and the last remaining girls who had been half shielding their eyes with their hands let out dolphin-scale squeals before dropping as well.
"...What is that." Kyuhyun stared.
"Oh, that's just Zhou Mi, our host club's prince. He's always the most popular with the girls here."
"That creepy abnormally tall guy? Why?" Kyuhyun frowned.
"Well, he has a good family background, good face, long legs, charming manner, a good sense of fashion, and a very nice smile." Ryeowook shrugged. Kyuhyun could almost hear an audible 'none of which you have' tagged behind. "He has a request rate of consistently over 50%, which means over 50% of our guests always request him, and he has a very established fanclub in the school, under the Host Club of course, called Honey. It brings very good business."
Kyuhyun had to slowly unhinge his jaw from the floor. "But he just smiles at them."
"That's exactly the point."
"Ryeowook-oppa!" A few girls approached them, looking shy and hesitant, "you are not hosting today?"
"Oh no," Ryeowook smiled brightly at them, waving his hands (the ipad had strangely disappeared), "Sorry ladies, I have to take care of the new student today."
The girls barely spared Kyuhyun half a glance. "Ah, is that so. You are such a nice and generous person, Ryeowook-oppa."
Ryeowook waved them goodbye, and then turned to him. "Oh right, we are almost out of coffee thanks to Siwon. Do you mind running out to get some for us?"
Kyuhyun shrugged - he was supposed to be working for them anyway.
"...What is this?" Zhou Mi stared in wide-eyed fascination at the bag in Kyuhyun's hands. He had immediately flocked to his side when he'd spotted Kyuhyun coming back from his small grocery trip.
"Uh, coffee for you guys?" Kyuhyun handed Zhou Mi the bag of coffee.
"I have never seen this brand before." Zhou Mi's eyebrows furrowed as he tried to read the small print. "Is it grounded coffee?"
"No...? It's instant."
The moment the word was out of his mouth, the entire host club flocked to his side, surrounding the bag of coffee. "Instant coffee? You mean, oh god, is that the kind of commoner coffee where they just put it into water?" Eunhyuk exclaimed, all excited. Kyuhyun slowly backed away.
"...Yes? Hot water, but yes."
"I have heard of this but I've never tried." Siwon's impressive eyebrows furrowed into one, his head nodding slowly.
"Kuixian, you must make this cheap commoner coffee for us to try!" Zhou Mi threw an arm around his shoulders, and Kyuhyun wanted to sink into the ground in despair.
"...Wait. Who is Kui... xian?"
Kyuhyun did end up having to make instant coffee for everyone. Zhou Mi demanded a second cup after calling it "completely flavourless with no substantial body". Kyuhyun contemplated throwing a hot cup of cheap coffee at his skin-tight designer pants. Then Henry noticed the other bag he had brought back.
"Uh, that's just instant ramyun I bought for dinner..."
He tried to stop grabby hands, but it was too late because Zhou Mi was already reading off the label in utmost horror. "So much sodium in this! And it's only fifty cent a pack, who knows what they actually put in it! Kuixian, you poor commoner child, please stay here forever and let Ryeowook cook for you!" Zhou Mi half hugged half squeezed him in a deathlock, his face buried in Kyuhyun's hair, and Kyuhyun hopelessly clawed at Zhou Mi's back in despair ("I'm not dirt poor, I'm just too lazy to cook you filthy rich bastards!"). No one noticed the excitedly whispering girls except for Ryeowook.
-
"So apparently it seems that the girls liked Zhou Mi and Kyuhyun together last time. Maybe it's time for a brand new shtick." Ryeowook laid down his notepad in the pre-opening meeting the next day. Kyuhyun was sprawled out on an armchair, unable to conjure up any energy after the previous day of too many girls and sparkly guys with ruffles. Thankfully all of them were back in normal uniform for today.
"Still, the most important thing for a fangirl to latch onto a pairing is aesthetics," Eunhyuk frowned.
"If he doesn't even pass the requirement of aesthetics, the pairing will fail for sure." Donghae chimed in.
Zhou Mi rose up from his seat, walking towards Kyuhyun's sprawled out form. He stared down at the younger man, scrutinizing and frowning. "Well, it can't be that bad, we could try taking off the glasses for once..." His hands reached out for Kyuhyun's glasses, and Kyuhyun was still too out of it to even care about Zhou Mi's hands on his face.
"This isn't a shoujo manga, taking off his glasses won't..." Sungmin trailed off as he realized Zhou Mi had stopped short, hovering very closely over Kyuhyun and staring at him with wide eyes. Zhou Mi waved his hand, and everyone immediately jumped over. Kyuhyun blinked sluggishly, rubbing at his unfocused eyes as his glasses were taken away.
"What are you doing..."
"Ryeowook!" Zhou Mi called out, sharp with authority. "Immediately call for the tailor team!" Ryeowook promptly disappeared with his ipad in hand, typing furiously. "Eunhyuk and Donghae! Prepare for hairstyling!"
"Yes m'lord!" The pair disappeared and then reappeared with a giant crate of scissors, straightening irons, curling irons, hair products, etc.
"Siwon go ask for contact lenses! Henry call for the manicure team! Me... uh, I guess I'll go get my skin care kit..."
"What about me? What am I doing?" Sungmin piqued up, wide-eyed and hopeful.
Zhou Mi looked down at the smaller man. "Um Sungmin-hyung, please go eat some cake."
"Oh. Okay then." Sungmin shuffled into a corner with his apricot cheesecake.
The whole team were assembled in less than fifteen minutes, and by then Kyuhyun was already awake enough to start screaming bloody murderer at everyone, but especially Zhou Mi.
"What's wrong with you? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with my face? There's nothing wrong with my face, or my hair, or my nails!!"
"Oh please, there's everything wrong with your face. Your hair is a shaggy bird nest, your eyebrows are wild-"
"Did you see Siwon's eyebrows?!"
"-your teeth are a mess - do you brush your teeth twice a week, commoner? Your eyes are bloodshot-"
"I just stayed up a little late last night playing games!"
"-and your skin, your skin is the most horrible skin I've ever seen!" Zhou Mi exclaimed, shuddering in horror as he pressed a special herbal facial mask down on Kyuhyun's face. "So much acne and acne scars! But don't worry, with the special skincare regime with natural herbal products from my family's company, you will be flawless in no time! Well, maybe with some help from make-up as well."
All in all, the makeover process took roughly half a day. Amazingly, thankfully, all of them were crying with joyful tears by the end of the day.
"Oh my god, he looks perfect!"
"I told you, he's got potential, he just needs some polishing! Like a raw gemstone!"
"He's got really nice long legs," Zhou Mi's eyes traveled up and down the form-fitting suit pants with self-satisfaction. "Not as long as mine, but that's okay, no one can be as perfect as I am."
Kyuhyun gingerly smoothed down his brand new designer uniform suit, patting his artistically mussed up new hair. Well, if the host club meant he got free new clothes, he wasn't going to complain...
"By the way the cost of your makeover including the clothes, cosmetic products, and other personnel cost will be added to your debt." Ryeowook poked at his ipad. Kyuhyun fell to his knees in despair.
-
Just as Zhou Mi and Ryeowook had expected, the girls flocked to the new beautiful face.
"Kyuhyun-oppa, how do you go to school every day? Your house is very far away, right?"
"Um, I take the subway?"
There were collective gasps all around the table, the girls all covering their mouths as their wide eyes teared up. "But I heard it's so dangerous! There are criminals and thieves everywhere! Kyuhyun-oppa please be careful!"
"You can use my family car and chauffeur if you want to! I can even come to pick you up every day."
"I don't think that will be necessary..." Kyuhyun smiled slowly, carefully keeping his level in check. The rest of the guys had forbidden him from smiling too excessively after a test run because they deemed his smiles, especially those with teeth, too creepy in a social setting. To be fair, sitting around talking to girls was not that high on his list of favourite pastimes, he preferred hobbies that required no human interaction, but then...
"So Kyuhyun-oppa, how did you come to work at the host club?"
Kyuhyun's temple twitched. Eight million won, eight million won... He kept repeating the mantra in his head. He had to make his way through this. And so Kyuhyun plastered on a soft smile, paired with a cupped hand touching his lower lip lightly for the extra right dose of cute shyness (or at least that was what he hope it conveyed).
"I just figured a chance to bring fun and joy to all you beautiful princesses was a worthy mission for my time here."
Apparently it worked, because all of sudden the girls were in a frenzy, clutching at each other in tears. When Kyuhyun looked up, he saw Zhou Mi give him a thumbs up from the other side of the room.
-
It was smooth sailing from then on, he supposed. Zhou Mi still made him stay for etiquette lessons every day, but it was fun to spend time with the prince himself as well, though he would never admit it outloud.
"No, you can't do that!" Zhou Mi grabbed his hand as he was about to set the glass down. "You have to keep your pinky finger under the glass like this when you set it down, so there's no clinking sound and it looks better as well!" Zhou Mi demonstrated with his own glass, his long fingers wrapping around the glass in perfect curves.
Kyuhyun did it again, following instructions. "Oh I see, so you do it this way to take care of your guests."
Zhou Mi blinked at him. "What? No, I do it because it makes me look more elegant and handsome." Zhou Mi smirked, flipping his sparkly hair in perfect motion.
Kyuhyun calmly threw the glass of water on Zhou Mi's hand.
"Kuixian!"
So he was starting to make money for the club, and he knew he did, because Ryeowook was putting his individual photobooks out for sales alongside with other members' as well. (He never asked where Ryeowook had gotten all those pictures though...) After a while, it became fun and routine, despite the fact that Zhou Mi had crazy ideas out of nowhere for themes sometimes. (What the hell was that time when they did the Roman gladiator theme? Zhou Mi just wanted to show off his new Balenciaga sandals.) Kyuhyun was steadily gaining a small fanbase, and the girls had stopped asking him questions about what kind of commoner food he ate at home.
"Good morning! How is my Kuixian today~?"
Kyuhyun braced himself as Zhou Mi burst into the room and enveloped him in a soul-crushing hug. He had even taken up nuzzling at Kyuhyun's neck lately. This was all vaguely uncomfortable.
"I'm like his new pet project slash his new pet now." Kyuhyun complained to Donghae, and the other man snickered, ruffling his hair.
"Yes of course, you're just like his Ni Qiu now."
Sungmin settled himself down on Siwon's lap, "So what are you doing for our Christmas Ball, Kyuhyun?"
Kyuhyun tried to look away from the way Siwon's hand was stroking Sungmin's thigh almost unconsciously. "Christmas Ball? I don't think I'm going though, I'm not one for big parties..."
"Impossible! Everyone in the host club has to be present for the sake of all the beautiful ladies in the school!" Donghae exclaimed, and Henry burst into "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" on his little violin. Kyuhyun threw grapes at them.
"Kyuhyun," Ryeowook suddenly appeared out of nowhere, holding a tray of freshly made kimbap. "Eat this." He practically shoved it down Kyuhyun's throat, but Kyuhyun honestly wasn't complaining too much. Ryeowook was a great cook, he'd soon discovered. Just as he was swallowing his last bite, Ryeowook whipped out his ipad. "Kyuhyun, if you participate in our host club's annual Christmas ball activities and participate in the formal dance, I will reduce your debt by 30%."
Kyuhyun nearly choked on his kimbap. Thirty percent. "But... I... can't dance."
Ryeowook's lips curved up into a slight smirk. "Well, of course I've got you some help."
-
The help turned out to be a regular of their host club, Miss Victoria Song. All in all it wasn't too bad, she was a nice girl, supposedly an amazing dancer, and it was nice except they were made to practice the waltz during the host club's opening hours in an empty section of the room. So nothing unbecoming would happen, Ryeowook said. Except it also meant that Zhou Mi would be bothering him every five minutes, and when he had to actually sit down with the girls, Zhou Mi was still staring holes into the back of his head, for reasons completely unknown.
"Why does he keep staring?" Kyuhyun hissed under his breath as he clumsily tried to follow Victoria's steps.
"I don't know, maybe he's jealous of you dancing with me?" Victoria grinned as Kyuhyun let out a loud huff. "Kyuhyun-sshi, your hand placement on my waist is weird, please place them firmer and a bit lower."
Kyuhyun adjusted his hands accordingly, unaware of the stares he was getting. "He's already the most popular guy in school, why would he care? No offense meant to you, of course. I mean, I don't even understand why he's so popular. He's too tall, too bony, always hitting me in the face with those arms, and his head is too big." Kyuhyun quietly ranted, and Victoria burst out laughing, burying her forehead into his shoulder, trying to reign her laughter in.
"The girls here like him because he's exotic, I guess? He's Chinese."
"They are aware China is not even a two-hour plane ride away, right?" Kyuhyun made a face.
"Well, in any case, it's a foreign country with a different language. Chinese classes in this school are very popular because of him. I get a lot of requests from the girls for private tutoring as well."
"Oh." They danced in silence for a while as Kyuhyun mulled over the thought. Actually he had been thinking about taking up a foreign language class, and Chinese was one of the choices. It might be good to learn some phrases to make fun of Zhou Mi as well... "You do private tutoring? Do you still have any time slot open? I'm thinking about taking up a foreign language as well."
Victoria looked up at him, a mischievous glint in her eyes. "Well of course, I would shift everything in my timetable for you, Kyuhyun-sshi."
Kyuhyun smiled, nodding his head. "Thank you then. Your fiancé doesn't mind if you spend too much time with me at the host club?"
Victoria stumbled in her step, and Kyuhyun squeaked as her heel struck his toe. "What, no... who? I mean, how-"
"Well, aren't you wearing an engagement ring there..." Kyuhyun flickered his eyes down to her hand, then back up to stare at her strangely. The girl was obviously flustered.
"Well, yeah... but it's okay. He- he doesn't mind." Victoria's face slowly smoothed out into a cheerful blankness, and even socially awkward Kyuhyun knew not to press further. They ended the dance practice gracefully with Kyuhyun stepping on her feet only less than ten times. Everyone from the host club clapped from the sideline and Kyuhyun flushed, knowing they had been watching.
"Thank you, Victoria-sshi." He bowed, and they parted. It was only the actual Christmas ball left now.
"What did you talk about?" Zhou Mi was hanging all over him again. Kyuhyun relaxed into the sofa, not even bothering to push Zhou Mi's hand away.
"I was just asking her to tutor me in Chinese."
"Ooh, you move fast with the girl, Kyuhyun." Donghae cooed, patting his face, and Kyuhyun swatted at him, completely missing the way Zhou Mi seemed to be struck frozen beside him, his mouth opening then closing like a fish on land.
-
The night of SM Host Club's Christmas Ball turned out to be an extravagant affair of chandeliers and champagne, just as expected. Zhou Mi kept trying to stuff his face with foie gras and caviar, but Kyuhyun honestly didn't mind. The free flow champagne was already enough to keep him happy for the rest of the night. Apparently it was making Sungmin's night as well, judging from how he was already downing his fifth glass by the time Kyuhyun finally saw him with Siwon just hovering over his shoulders.
"Oh hey Kyuhyun, Victoria-sshi is looking for you!"
Kyuhyun raised an eyebrow, looking towards where Sungmin was pointing. Except it was crowded and Sungmin was halfway to falling over Siwon drunk, so it wasn't exactly helpful. He left Zhou Mi to wander around once the other man was sufficiently distracted by the crowd of fluttering Honeys that surrounded him. Nonetheless, finally it was Victoria who sought him out. Well, hadn't Ryeowook say something about reducing his debt by thirty percent if he participated in the Christmas Ball formal dance with a girl... Kyuhyun grinned and stepped up, offering his hand to the girl who gracefully took it. At least it was Victoria who was already used to his awkward footing. However, after five minutes, it was apparent that someone was staring holes at the back of his head, and when he turned and looked, it wasn't Zhou Mi.
"Um, I think some guy is staring at us..." Kyuhyun whispered, hoping Victoria could hear amidst the noisy crowd. She did, except she just shrugged, not even bothering to look the other guy's direction to see who it was. Oh, so it was definitely someone she knew, Kyuhyun realized. "Maybe he wants a dance with you? Should I move away?"
"No!" Victoria's nails dug into his shoulders, and it was painful. She looked slightly panicked, but still resolutely not looking his way. "It's okay, he doesn't mind me dancing with you anyway."
The words clicked, and Kyuhyun blinked. "Oh, is that your fiancé?"
"...Yes. I suppose." Victoria lowered her eyes. "But I don't know. Maybe he will just pick another of his many adoring fangirls. This was just a family arrangement anyway."
Kyuhyun looked over his shoulders, and true to her words, the guy was indeed surrounded by many beautiful chattering girls, not unlike one of the guys from their host club. Yet the fact remained that the guy was paying those girls no attention, and was staring holes at the two of them. "Victoria-sshi, do you like him?"
Victoria was silent for a whole minute. "I... I have always admired him."
Kyuhyun nudged her slightly. "Well then, have you ever told him that?"
"...No. But I know that I can't compete with the girls that surround Nichkhun-sshi. I'm too loud, too busy, not lady-like enough, not graceful enough..."
"But you are an amazing dancer." Kyuhyun smiled as the girl flushed. "And don't you have the ultimate advantage of being his fiancée? Fight for what you have, Victoria-sshi, you can't just stand here and wait forever for the apple to fall on your head."
"But..."
"Go, he's only been staring at you the whole night, really." He pushed her slightly into the crowd, and waved her away as she stared up at him with doubtful eyes. "Go!"
"Thank you," she hesitated for a few beats then nodded and ran off. He shook his head in amusement as he saw Victoria finally catching up with her fiance, tugging at his wrist and jerking him around to face her.
"Wow, Kuixian, did you just chase off a customer?" Kyuhyun looked up, and Zhou Mi was smiling brightly at him. "I'll teach your Chinese, how about that?"
"What?"
"I'll privately tutor you in Chinese, just set the time." Zhou Mi leaned closer, his hair once again brushing Kyuhyun's forehead, and Kyuhyun couldn't even get away even if he wanted to. Just as he was about to open his mouth to reply, the grand clock chimed and a spotlight was suddenly in his face, making him nearly trip on his feet with the blinding brightness.
"Beautiful ladies in the house!" Henry was on the speaker. All the girls cheered loudly. "Thank you, everyone, for participating in our annual Christmas Ball! It is now finally the time to announce the winner and the ultimate prize for our annual Fan Club competition! And the fantastic elastic prize for tonight is, a kiss from our lovely new host Cho Kyuhyun!"
The crowd erupted in shrill screams, those inclusive of Zhou Mi's and Kyuhyun's himself.
"I didn't know about this!"
"I didn't know about this!"
"Didn't I say you would be participating in the host club's annual Christmas Ball activities?" Ryeowook appeared from out of nowhere next to them with a champagne glass in hand, raising it in a toast. "We plan a surprise for our guests every year. Zhou Mi aren't you aware of this?"
"I thought you meant just the dance!"
"But normally it's me who gives out the kiss!"
Kyuhyun turned to stare at Zhou Mi. The older man's mouth snapped shut, his feet shuffling nervously. Ryeowook rolled his eyes.
"So?"
Kyuhyun bit down on his lip. A thirty percent reduction of his debt, that certainly wasn't a small amount. He had already gotten through the dance part, a kiss with a girl was no big deal. Kyuhyun shrugged and stepped out to the center of the ballroom where the girl was waiting. He completely missed out on the way Zhou Mi was silently spluttering and flailing around, "But Kuixian can't kiss a girl!", earning a few strange stares from Ryeowook.
Kyuhyun took a deep breath, stepping closer to the blushing young girl and leaning down slowly... everyone in the room was holding their breath... until he felt his collar being forcefully grabbed and he was pulled away at the same time something big and heavy flew past him towards the girl. Before he could even comprehend what was happening, screams and squeals erupted in the room.
"Wow, that was a close call." A familiar voice... hot breaths puffed in his ears, and Kyuhyun jerked away. Zhou Mi was smiling down at him, and it was apparent now that the other man's fingers were still strongly tugging on his collar. Kyuhyun whipped his head back to where he had been standing a mere minute ago only to see Siwon holding the girl in his arms... actually she looked like she had just had a nosebleed and fainted.
"Did you just throw Siwon..."
"ZHOU MI!!!" Okay that was definitely Sungmin's shriek.
Kyuhyun glared up at Zhou Mi and received a crushing hug in return. ("You look so cute when you're mad, Kuixian!")
And thus poor commoner Cho Kyuhyun's first Christmas at the SM Host Club ended happily.
"Well, Kyuhyun, because you didn't complete one clause of the deal which was to participate in the host club's annual activities which was to accommodate the Fan Club winner's prize, the deal is invalid and your debt remains the same." Ryeowook dutifully poked at his ipad.
"Zhou Mi I hate you."
-
hate me baby maybe i'm a piece of art
super junior // kyuhyun/zhou mi (+ sjm) // 6,753 words (wae)
[Ouran Host Club!AU] in which Zhou Mi is a rich oppa with sparkly red hair and long legs, Kyuhyun is a poor commoner with bad skin, and all of SJM are graceful gentlemen (who sell a lot of photobooks).
hate me baby maybe i'm a piece of art
-
"In this world, there are two kinds of luxury: luxury that means money on the table, and luxury that means exclusivity."
Long nimble fingers with perfectly manicured nails tangled themselves in his ribbon bow tie, knotting and smoothing it into place around his neck under the crisp collar of his white Egyptian cotton dress shirt. One forefinger brushed his jaw, and Kyuhyun looked up on cue. Soft-looking lips curved into a pleased smile were millimetres from him, warm breath puffing on his cheek. The finger remained where it was on the side of his jaw, keeping his eyesight up in contact with bright cat-like... purple eyes. Today was a purple contact lenses day. What was the theme again, Kyuhyun asked himself.
"And remember, what we have on show here is luxury as exclusivity. Grace and elegance. Subtle, discreet and respectful."
A soft fluffy black fur hat was gently placed on his head. Kyuhyun tried to glance at the mirror to determine that it didn't look like some animal had died on his head. He had seen Siwon's and Sungmin's, he was not taking any chances. He spared a badly disguised judging frown at Zhou Mi's top hat. Zhou Mi had a top hat, why did everyone else have a dead animal? Well, except for Ryeowook, but Ryeowook controlled the entire operation, so.
"Are you ready, Kuixian?" Zhou Mi smiled at him like a mother doting on her newly dressed up child. Kyuhyun patted at his fluffy hat, feeling vaguely uncomfortable.
"I just have one question."
"Yes?"
"Why are we dressing up as Russian huntsmen in the middle of the summer?"
Zhou Mi blinked at him, looking as though he had just asked why two plus two equaled four. "But what do we have perfectly functioning air-conditioning for, if not fabulous exotic themed parties? And the theme is European aristocrats, mind you. Everyone would surely appreciate a breath of chilled air in the middle of the summer!"
Just on cue, a blast of cold air hit him straight in the face.
"Oops sorry Kyuhyun, I was testing out the equipment!" Eunhyuk called out from the other side of the room, not sounding very sorry. Donghae made a victory sign next to him. Kyuhyun cupped his half-frozen face, silently reciting the eight million won mantra in his head.
"Eunhyuk, you just messed up Kuixian's perfect hair that took me half an hour to do!" Zhou Mi wailed, just in time with Ryeowook stepping up and snapping his fingers.
"Opening time, the first guests are coming!"
Everyone scrambled to their position. Zhou Mi immediately dragged him by the neck and deposited him smack right in the middle of the group. "Kuixian, sit here! Cross your legs! Hands together in your lap!" Dead fluffy animals surrounded him, Siwon's particularly vicious one right in front of his face, Henry kept tugging on his skin-tight baby blue jeans, and Zhou Mi stretched out on the floor next to his feet like a fabulous model in his pink ruffle shirt, green pants, and giant top hat. The door slowly creaked open, revealing the first glimpses of silk dresses and silver heels, and the lights flashed on.
"Welcome to SM Host Club~"
-
Private School Star M, located on a small hill just outside the centre of noisy Seoul, as everyone knew, first was about lineage, second was about money. This was where all the crème de la crème young ladies and gentlemen of high society went to for their education, as well as their entertainment. To satisfy the demand of young elite ladies with too much free time on their hand, a special school club was born. SM Host Club's responsibility was to entertain the female body of the school's population with high-class parties, cultural experiences, and all the care and love a lady could want. The club quickly shot to fame, becoming the most popular club in the school, with weeks-long reservation list from the girls and a constant source of envy for the boys. The prestigious Host Club was a group of seven young men with an excess of family wealth, free time, and stunning beauty, along with a poor young man on a special scholarship working to pay off his debt.
How poor commoner Cho Kyuhyun came to work as a host at the prestigious SM Host Club was a series of unfortunate events.
It was only his third day at SM High School. It had been quite fine up to that point actually. He came to SM on a special scholarship, and it was clear that his nobody and no-money status was a far cry from all the perfect young men and women at SM, but no one was particularly nasty or paid him much attention, so Kyuhyun was perfectly fine with his life. He went to class, he went home, all was well with the world. Except that certain morning, he was out of clean sweaters because someone had put a bright red shirt into the laundry the night before, his contact lenses went missing so he had to wear his slightly cracked old glasses, some blasted neighbour kid threw glue at his hair so he had to hastily chop some locks off to get to school on time, and because he left in a hurry he had forgotten to bring lunch. Kyuhyun clutched at his books, feeling more than slightly hostile towards the world as he stormed out of the library. It was the third library in the school he had gone into, and it was impossibly noisy.
"If you're not going to study, why would you be in the library?" Kyuhyun mumbled under his breath. They were more like glorified common areas, full of girls tilting about like little chicks sharing the latest gossips.
"Oh my god, did you see Zhou Mi oppa when he came into school today? He dyed his hair back to deep red again! Oh my god I love that colour, it's so sexy on him!"
"Aww I know right? Zhou Mi oppa is a flawless fashionista no matter what he does! His hair was seriously sparkling like vivid premium ruby in the sunlight this morning!"
Then the whole group of girls made high-pitched cooing noise only a dolphin could decipher with their hands cupping their flaming cheeks and Kyuhyun was just like "...let me just get out of here."
How could it be so difficult to find a quiet room in this entire palace of a school, Kyuhyun wondered. Huffing in annoyance, he trekked his way down a seemingly deserted hallway. A single door stood at the end of the hallway, with a small sign that said "Music Room". It sounded quiet though. Kyuhyun shrugged, decided it was most likely an empty room, and pushed the door open-
"Welcome to SM Host Club~!!"
The room was flooded with bright sunshine, the light sparkling off silver and mirrors, blinding him momentarily. When his eyes readjusted, he realized there was a group of guys standing together in the middle of the room, dressed in... Edwardian-style suits with a truckload of frills and ruffles and... pearls? They were also somehow sparkling and glowing. Then Kyuhyun realized it was the work of an enormous spotlight in the corner of the room. Nevertheless, they were an exceptionally good-looking group of people.
"Oh, huh, it's just a guy..."
"Ugh, made me think we were opening early today. We even had to stand in position." A guy rubbed his head, looking disappointed.
"Now now, don't be impolite, a guest is still a guest!" The one who had been sitting in the middle of the group stood up, and Kyuhyun unconsciously took a step back because wow this guy was tall. Kyuhyun was not short by any means but this guy could completely tower over him. He was also the one who was the most sparkly in the room, perhaps because he was wearing a rather huge pearl necklace and his hair was red.
"Good afternoon, and welcome to SM Host Club, special scholarship student Cho Kyuhyun!"
Kyuhyun stared at the offered hand, glancing suspiciously at the abnormally tall guy. "How do you know me?"
"if we didn't, we wouldn't be in this school," a small young man standing off to the side spoke up, his eyes glued to an ipad he was holding in his hands. "Cho Kyuhyun, first year entry, on the special Star M scholarship program for outstanding academic achievement in Mathematics after having won the national Olympics last year, basically a commoner, no special family heritage, no recognized lineage or family business, family income of-"
"Okay, okay, enough!" Kyuhyun raised a hand up, "what are you, head of the Korean National Security Bureau?" The small man simply smiled at him. It was rather intimidating for someone of such a size. "Uh, nevermind. Who are you people anyway?"
"Oh yeah, you're new. We are the SM Host Club!" Tall red-haired guy re-appeared in front of his face. Kyuhyun took another step back.
"What is that?"
"We are graceful and handsome gentlemen serving elegant and beautiful ladies in their free time," he grinned the grin of a Cheshire cat, and Kyuhyun stared as a rose appeared out of nowhere, brushing his face. "But of course there could be exceptions. What would be your preference, Cho Kyuhyun-sshi?"
Kyuhyun blanched, moving several steps back from the looming man. "What, no, I was just-"
"You don't have to be shy," the other man's long fingers tapped against his jaw, "so do you want a gentleman like Siwon, the cute pouty type like Sungmin, the shy quiet one like Ryeowook, the artistic soul like Henry, the mischievous double act EunHae, or someone as fabulously perfect as... me? I'm Zhou Mi, by the way." Zhou Mi leaned in close, his red hair brushing against Kyuhyun's forehead, and Kyuhyun screamed inside his soul.
"No! I mean, uh, I'm going now, sorry for intruding, bye!" He wrenched himself out of Zhou Mi's grasp, flinging himself out of the room. Alas, he had forgotten that he was still holding his schoolbag in his hand. The bag flew in the air, and before Kyuhyun could realize what was happening, smashed against a vase near the entrance.
There was a loud crashing sound, and then complete, utter silence. Everyone stared at the million broken china pieces on the floor. Kyuhyun was frozen on his feet.
"Oh. Well. There goes the 8-million-won Ming-dynasty vase our principal love so much." The guy with the gummy smile shrugged, breaking the silence. The one who was hanging off his shoulder grinned widely.
"And it was going to be included in the school's next auction, too."
Kyuhyun tried to resist the temptation of falling to his knees and dying over the whole day. "I'm... very sorry. I'll repay this. Somehow."
The small man with the ipad stepped closer, peering at him. "How? You are not even able to pay for decent uniform. Nor glasses. Nor a haircut."
Kyuhyun flushed. "That's not-"
"It's decided then," Zhou Mi stepped up, his red hair flipping artistically in the (electric fan) wind, sparkling like ruby in the (stadium spotlight) light. "If you cannot pay for the broken vase with money, you have to repay with your body!"
"W H A T."
-
So that was how the poor commoner Cho Kyuhyun ended up working at the prestigious SM Host Club. Except the road to (very questionable) glory was not one without obstacles.
"Okay, so now that Kyuhyun is working for our host club to repay for the broken vase, I have to say there are a few issues with this." The cute pouty guy actually pouted, Kyuhyun stared in vague amazement. He was short, sort of rounded around the edge in the baby boy way that older girls always cooed over. Huge shiny eyes, red pouty lips, and basically looking like a kid who did not belong in a high school. He was also stuffing his face with chocolate cake.
"Do continue, Sungmin-hyung," Zhou Mi nodded, strangely enthusiastic.
"Well, an extra hand is good and all, and I'm sure Kyuhyun is a nice person, but the thing is..." Sungmin paused to nibble on the strawberry on his cake, "his aesthetics... don't fit into our host club's image."
"Hm, that's true. Even just working as a coffee runner, his face might offend our beautiful ladies." The one with the gummy smile, Eunhyuk, nodded. His parasite Donghae grinned at Kyuhyun, looking both attentive and spaced out. Kyuhyun sort of wanted to punch them both.
"We will have time to discuss that later, now it's almost opening time, you guys." The small guy, Ryeowook as Kyuhyun had learned, clapped his hands. As if on cue, the door to the room slowly creaked open. As everyone ran to their post, Zhou Mi pulled him over with a grin, whispering lowly, "Stay with me, commoner." Kyuhyun rolled his eyes.
Watching the host club in action was actually quite amazing. Their clientele were actually the noisy squealing girls in the hallways and libraries, only intensified ten-fold.
Siwon The Gentleman
"Ladies, it's wonderful to see you again. Would you like some coffee? I had the special Arabica roasted coffee imported from my family's plant in South America just last week, I'm sure the taste would be impeccable."
"But Siwon-oppa..." A girl bit on her handkerchief, eyes tearing up, "I cannot drink coffee these days. It might damage my sensitive skin."
Before she could finish her sentence, three other girls had jumped in and pushed her aside, "Oppa, I will drink your coffee!!" then proceeded to down all three cups of scalding hot coffee in one gulp.
"Uh," Kyuhyun glanced at Ryeowook who was typing on his ipad, his eyes closely monitoring Siwon and his lady friends, "Didn't I see that coffee coming from the a sketchy half-finished paper bag in the backroom?"
"The more coffee they drink, the higher the hourly charge will be. The coffee is official Host Club merchandise as well." Ryeowook shrugged.
"O... kay..."
Sungmin The Cute Bunny
"I forgot to feed Bunny-chan today because I was hungry. Is it really okay for me to eat so much cake?" Sungmin's big eyes welled up with shiny tears, the pouty full lips trembling as he clutched a pink stuffed bunny to his chest.
"Awwww, Sungmin-oppa, of course you can eat as much cake as you want!"
"Sungmin-oppa, let me feed your Bunny-chan for you!"
"Sungmin-oppa, let me squish you!!"
"Kyuhyun, stop gagging, it's unbecoming." Ryeowook nudged him in the ribs. Kyuhyun coughed, wiping his forehead with a napkin.
"Uh, where did that bunny come from..."
"We have a stuffed animals storeroom in the back if you want one."
"No thanks. Why isn't he in a proper middle school? Is he a genius somehow?"
"What are you talking about? Sungmin-hyung is the oldest in SM Host Club. He's graduating next term."
"W H A T."
Eunhyuk/Donghae The Inseparable Double Act
"You look dashing in your outfit today, Donghae-oppa, just like a prince from a faraway country."
"Why thank you, my darling princess. It's all thanks to Eunhyuk who helped me with my laced up shirt today, if it was just me I certainly wouldn't have looked anywhere as decent as this."
"Donghae, you don't need to broadcast everything I do for you!"
"But Eunhyuk, my heart is truly thankful to you for every little moment we share!"
"Oh Donghae..."
"KYAAAAAAAHHHH!!"
"Kyuhyun, don't throw up on my shoes."
Henry The Violin Artist
"Henry-oppa you are so talented! Can you play Baby one more time for us?"
"Thanks guys, you Strings are the best!" The boy did a round of enthusiastic high-fives and fist-bumps with all the girls in the group. "Let me just find my stylin' red cap and red jacket first ok?"
"..."
"He's Canadian." Ryeowook said in way of explanation.
Zhou Mi The Fabulous Host Club Prince
"My lovely Honeys, how have you all been?" Zhou Mi smiled, and kittens and sunshine flooded the entire room. He ran a hand slowly through the soft strands of his red hair, the strands sparkling in the sunshine around his long and graceful fingers. A group of girls swooned. Zhou Mi's other hand came down to tug at his collar where a red Givenchy silk scarf was strategically placed, and tugged it off fluidly, revealing a wide expanse of long white neck. Another group of girls dropped to the floor with long happy sighs.
"The warm sunshine today is such a wonderful compliment to your pure beauties." Zhou Mi tilted his head, turning up the volume of his smile, touching a girl's hair lightly with his fingers, and the last remaining girls who had been half shielding their eyes with their hands let out dolphin-scale squeals before dropping as well.
"...What is that." Kyuhyun stared.
"Oh, that's just Zhou Mi, our host club's prince. He's always the most popular with the girls here."
"That creepy abnormally tall guy? Why?" Kyuhyun frowned.
"Well, he has a good family background, good face, long legs, charming manner, a good sense of fashion, and a very nice smile." Ryeowook shrugged. Kyuhyun could almost hear an audible 'none of which you have' tagged behind. "He has a request rate of consistently over 50%, which means over 50% of our guests always request him, and he has a very established fanclub in the school, under the Host Club of course, called Honey. It brings very good business."
Kyuhyun had to slowly unhinge his jaw from the floor. "But he just smiles at them."
"That's exactly the point."
"Ryeowook-oppa!" A few girls approached them, looking shy and hesitant, "you are not hosting today?"
"Oh no," Ryeowook smiled brightly at them, waving his hands (the ipad had strangely disappeared), "Sorry ladies, I have to take care of the new student today."
The girls barely spared Kyuhyun half a glance. "Ah, is that so. You are such a nice and generous person, Ryeowook-oppa."
Ryeowook waved them goodbye, and then turned to him. "Oh right, we are almost out of coffee thanks to Siwon. Do you mind running out to get some for us?"
Kyuhyun shrugged - he was supposed to be working for them anyway.
"...What is this?" Zhou Mi stared in wide-eyed fascination at the bag in Kyuhyun's hands. He had immediately flocked to his side when he'd spotted Kyuhyun coming back from his small grocery trip.
"Uh, coffee for you guys?" Kyuhyun handed Zhou Mi the bag of coffee.
"I have never seen this brand before." Zhou Mi's eyebrows furrowed as he tried to read the small print. "Is it grounded coffee?"
"No...? It's instant."
The moment the word was out of his mouth, the entire host club flocked to his side, surrounding the bag of coffee. "Instant coffee? You mean, oh god, is that the kind of commoner coffee where they just put it into water?" Eunhyuk exclaimed, all excited. Kyuhyun slowly backed away.
"...Yes? Hot water, but yes."
"I have heard of this but I've never tried." Siwon's impressive eyebrows furrowed into one, his head nodding slowly.
"Kuixian, you must make this cheap commoner coffee for us to try!" Zhou Mi threw an arm around his shoulders, and Kyuhyun wanted to sink into the ground in despair.
"...Wait. Who is Kui... xian?"
Kyuhyun did end up having to make instant coffee for everyone. Zhou Mi demanded a second cup after calling it "completely flavourless with no substantial body". Kyuhyun contemplated throwing a hot cup of cheap coffee at his skin-tight designer pants. Then Henry noticed the other bag he had brought back.
"Uh, that's just instant ramyun I bought for dinner..."
He tried to stop grabby hands, but it was too late because Zhou Mi was already reading off the label in utmost horror. "So much sodium in this! And it's only fifty cent a pack, who knows what they actually put in it! Kuixian, you poor commoner child, please stay here forever and let Ryeowook cook for you!" Zhou Mi half hugged half squeezed him in a deathlock, his face buried in Kyuhyun's hair, and Kyuhyun hopelessly clawed at Zhou Mi's back in despair ("I'm not dirt poor, I'm just too lazy to cook you filthy rich bastards!"). No one noticed the excitedly whispering girls except for Ryeowook.
-
"So apparently it seems that the girls liked Zhou Mi and Kyuhyun together last time. Maybe it's time for a brand new shtick." Ryeowook laid down his notepad in the pre-opening meeting the next day. Kyuhyun was sprawled out on an armchair, unable to conjure up any energy after the previous day of too many girls and sparkly guys with ruffles. Thankfully all of them were back in normal uniform for today.
"Still, the most important thing for a fangirl to latch onto a pairing is aesthetics," Eunhyuk frowned.
"If he doesn't even pass the requirement of aesthetics, the pairing will fail for sure." Donghae chimed in.
Zhou Mi rose up from his seat, walking towards Kyuhyun's sprawled out form. He stared down at the younger man, scrutinizing and frowning. "Well, it can't be that bad, we could try taking off the glasses for once..." His hands reached out for Kyuhyun's glasses, and Kyuhyun was still too out of it to even care about Zhou Mi's hands on his face.
"This isn't a shoujo manga, taking off his glasses won't..." Sungmin trailed off as he realized Zhou Mi had stopped short, hovering very closely over Kyuhyun and staring at him with wide eyes. Zhou Mi waved his hand, and everyone immediately jumped over. Kyuhyun blinked sluggishly, rubbing at his unfocused eyes as his glasses were taken away.
"What are you doing..."
"Ryeowook!" Zhou Mi called out, sharp with authority. "Immediately call for the tailor team!" Ryeowook promptly disappeared with his ipad in hand, typing furiously. "Eunhyuk and Donghae! Prepare for hairstyling!"
"Yes m'lord!" The pair disappeared and then reappeared with a giant crate of scissors, straightening irons, curling irons, hair products, etc.
"Siwon go ask for contact lenses! Henry call for the manicure team! Me... uh, I guess I'll go get my skin care kit..."
"What about me? What am I doing?" Sungmin piqued up, wide-eyed and hopeful.
Zhou Mi looked down at the smaller man. "Um Sungmin-hyung, please go eat some cake."
"Oh. Okay then." Sungmin shuffled into a corner with his apricot cheesecake.
The whole team were assembled in less than fifteen minutes, and by then Kyuhyun was already awake enough to start screaming bloody murderer at everyone, but especially Zhou Mi.
"What's wrong with you? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with my face? There's nothing wrong with my face, or my hair, or my nails!!"
"Oh please, there's everything wrong with your face. Your hair is a shaggy bird nest, your eyebrows are wild-"
"Did you see Siwon's eyebrows?!"
"-your teeth are a mess - do you brush your teeth twice a week, commoner? Your eyes are bloodshot-"
"I just stayed up a little late last night playing games!"
"-and your skin, your skin is the most horrible skin I've ever seen!" Zhou Mi exclaimed, shuddering in horror as he pressed a special herbal facial mask down on Kyuhyun's face. "So much acne and acne scars! But don't worry, with the special skincare regime with natural herbal products from my family's company, you will be flawless in no time! Well, maybe with some help from make-up as well."
All in all, the makeover process took roughly half a day. Amazingly, thankfully, all of them were crying with joyful tears by the end of the day.
"Oh my god, he looks perfect!"
"I told you, he's got potential, he just needs some polishing! Like a raw gemstone!"
"He's got really nice long legs," Zhou Mi's eyes traveled up and down the form-fitting suit pants with self-satisfaction. "Not as long as mine, but that's okay, no one can be as perfect as I am."
Kyuhyun gingerly smoothed down his brand new designer uniform suit, patting his artistically mussed up new hair. Well, if the host club meant he got free new clothes, he wasn't going to complain...
"By the way the cost of your makeover including the clothes, cosmetic products, and other personnel cost will be added to your debt." Ryeowook poked at his ipad. Kyuhyun fell to his knees in despair.
-
Just as Zhou Mi and Ryeowook had expected, the girls flocked to the new beautiful face.
"Kyuhyun-oppa, how do you go to school every day? Your house is very far away, right?"
"Um, I take the subway?"
There were collective gasps all around the table, the girls all covering their mouths as their wide eyes teared up. "But I heard it's so dangerous! There are criminals and thieves everywhere! Kyuhyun-oppa please be careful!"
"You can use my family car and chauffeur if you want to! I can even come to pick you up every day."
"I don't think that will be necessary..." Kyuhyun smiled slowly, carefully keeping his level in check. The rest of the guys had forbidden him from smiling too excessively after a test run because they deemed his smiles, especially those with teeth, too creepy in a social setting. To be fair, sitting around talking to girls was not that high on his list of favourite pastimes, he preferred hobbies that required no human interaction, but then...
"So Kyuhyun-oppa, how did you come to work at the host club?"
Kyuhyun's temple twitched. Eight million won, eight million won... He kept repeating the mantra in his head. He had to make his way through this. And so Kyuhyun plastered on a soft smile, paired with a cupped hand touching his lower lip lightly for the extra right dose of cute shyness (or at least that was what he hope it conveyed).
"I just figured a chance to bring fun and joy to all you beautiful princesses was a worthy mission for my time here."
Apparently it worked, because all of sudden the girls were in a frenzy, clutching at each other in tears. When Kyuhyun looked up, he saw Zhou Mi give him a thumbs up from the other side of the room.
-
It was smooth sailing from then on, he supposed. Zhou Mi still made him stay for etiquette lessons every day, but it was fun to spend time with the prince himself as well, though he would never admit it outloud.
"No, you can't do that!" Zhou Mi grabbed his hand as he was about to set the glass down. "You have to keep your pinky finger under the glass like this when you set it down, so there's no clinking sound and it looks better as well!" Zhou Mi demonstrated with his own glass, his long fingers wrapping around the glass in perfect curves.
Kyuhyun did it again, following instructions. "Oh I see, so you do it this way to take care of your guests."
Zhou Mi blinked at him. "What? No, I do it because it makes me look more elegant and handsome." Zhou Mi smirked, flipping his sparkly hair in perfect motion.
Kyuhyun calmly threw the glass of water on Zhou Mi's hand.
"Kuixian!"
So he was starting to make money for the club, and he knew he did, because Ryeowook was putting his individual photobooks out for sales alongside with other members' as well. (He never asked where Ryeowook had gotten all those pictures though...) After a while, it became fun and routine, despite the fact that Zhou Mi had crazy ideas out of nowhere for themes sometimes. (What the hell was that time when they did the Roman gladiator theme? Zhou Mi just wanted to show off his new Balenciaga sandals.) Kyuhyun was steadily gaining a small fanbase, and the girls had stopped asking him questions about what kind of commoner food he ate at home.
"Good morning! How is my Kuixian today~?"
Kyuhyun braced himself as Zhou Mi burst into the room and enveloped him in a soul-crushing hug. He had even taken up nuzzling at Kyuhyun's neck lately. This was all vaguely uncomfortable.
"I'm like his new pet project slash his new pet now." Kyuhyun complained to Donghae, and the other man snickered, ruffling his hair.
"Yes of course, you're just like his Ni Qiu now."
Sungmin settled himself down on Siwon's lap, "So what are you doing for our Christmas Ball, Kyuhyun?"
Kyuhyun tried to look away from the way Siwon's hand was stroking Sungmin's thigh almost unconsciously. "Christmas Ball? I don't think I'm going though, I'm not one for big parties..."
"Impossible! Everyone in the host club has to be present for the sake of all the beautiful ladies in the school!" Donghae exclaimed, and Henry burst into "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" on his little violin. Kyuhyun threw grapes at them.
"Kyuhyun," Ryeowook suddenly appeared out of nowhere, holding a tray of freshly made kimbap. "Eat this." He practically shoved it down Kyuhyun's throat, but Kyuhyun honestly wasn't complaining too much. Ryeowook was a great cook, he'd soon discovered. Just as he was swallowing his last bite, Ryeowook whipped out his ipad. "Kyuhyun, if you participate in our host club's annual Christmas ball activities and participate in the formal dance, I will reduce your debt by 30%."
Kyuhyun nearly choked on his kimbap. Thirty percent. "But... I... can't dance."
Ryeowook's lips curved up into a slight smirk. "Well, of course I've got you some help."
-
The help turned out to be a regular of their host club, Miss Victoria Song. All in all it wasn't too bad, she was a nice girl, supposedly an amazing dancer, and it was nice except they were made to practice the waltz during the host club's opening hours in an empty section of the room. So nothing unbecoming would happen, Ryeowook said. Except it also meant that Zhou Mi would be bothering him every five minutes, and when he had to actually sit down with the girls, Zhou Mi was still staring holes into the back of his head, for reasons completely unknown.
"Why does he keep staring?" Kyuhyun hissed under his breath as he clumsily tried to follow Victoria's steps.
"I don't know, maybe he's jealous of you dancing with me?" Victoria grinned as Kyuhyun let out a loud huff. "Kyuhyun-sshi, your hand placement on my waist is weird, please place them firmer and a bit lower."
Kyuhyun adjusted his hands accordingly, unaware of the stares he was getting. "He's already the most popular guy in school, why would he care? No offense meant to you, of course. I mean, I don't even understand why he's so popular. He's too tall, too bony, always hitting me in the face with those arms, and his head is too big." Kyuhyun quietly ranted, and Victoria burst out laughing, burying her forehead into his shoulder, trying to reign her laughter in.
"The girls here like him because he's exotic, I guess? He's Chinese."
"They are aware China is not even a two-hour plane ride away, right?" Kyuhyun made a face.
"Well, in any case, it's a foreign country with a different language. Chinese classes in this school are very popular because of him. I get a lot of requests from the girls for private tutoring as well."
"Oh." They danced in silence for a while as Kyuhyun mulled over the thought. Actually he had been thinking about taking up a foreign language class, and Chinese was one of the choices. It might be good to learn some phrases to make fun of Zhou Mi as well... "You do private tutoring? Do you still have any time slot open? I'm thinking about taking up a foreign language as well."
Victoria looked up at him, a mischievous glint in her eyes. "Well of course, I would shift everything in my timetable for you, Kyuhyun-sshi."
Kyuhyun smiled, nodding his head. "Thank you then. Your fiancé doesn't mind if you spend too much time with me at the host club?"
Victoria stumbled in her step, and Kyuhyun squeaked as her heel struck his toe. "What, no... who? I mean, how-"
"Well, aren't you wearing an engagement ring there..." Kyuhyun flickered his eyes down to her hand, then back up to stare at her strangely. The girl was obviously flustered.
"Well, yeah... but it's okay. He- he doesn't mind." Victoria's face slowly smoothed out into a cheerful blankness, and even socially awkward Kyuhyun knew not to press further. They ended the dance practice gracefully with Kyuhyun stepping on her feet only less than ten times. Everyone from the host club clapped from the sideline and Kyuhyun flushed, knowing they had been watching.
"Thank you, Victoria-sshi." He bowed, and they parted. It was only the actual Christmas ball left now.
"What did you talk about?" Zhou Mi was hanging all over him again. Kyuhyun relaxed into the sofa, not even bothering to push Zhou Mi's hand away.
"I was just asking her to tutor me in Chinese."
"Ooh, you move fast with the girl, Kyuhyun." Donghae cooed, patting his face, and Kyuhyun swatted at him, completely missing the way Zhou Mi seemed to be struck frozen beside him, his mouth opening then closing like a fish on land.
-
The night of SM Host Club's Christmas Ball turned out to be an extravagant affair of chandeliers and champagne, just as expected. Zhou Mi kept trying to stuff his face with foie gras and caviar, but Kyuhyun honestly didn't mind. The free flow champagne was already enough to keep him happy for the rest of the night. Apparently it was making Sungmin's night as well, judging from how he was already downing his fifth glass by the time Kyuhyun finally saw him with Siwon just hovering over his shoulders.
"Oh hey Kyuhyun, Victoria-sshi is looking for you!"
Kyuhyun raised an eyebrow, looking towards where Sungmin was pointing. Except it was crowded and Sungmin was halfway to falling over Siwon drunk, so it wasn't exactly helpful. He left Zhou Mi to wander around once the other man was sufficiently distracted by the crowd of fluttering Honeys that surrounded him. Nonetheless, finally it was Victoria who sought him out. Well, hadn't Ryeowook say something about reducing his debt by thirty percent if he participated in the Christmas Ball formal dance with a girl... Kyuhyun grinned and stepped up, offering his hand to the girl who gracefully took it. At least it was Victoria who was already used to his awkward footing. However, after five minutes, it was apparent that someone was staring holes at the back of his head, and when he turned and looked, it wasn't Zhou Mi.
"Um, I think some guy is staring at us..." Kyuhyun whispered, hoping Victoria could hear amidst the noisy crowd. She did, except she just shrugged, not even bothering to look the other guy's direction to see who it was. Oh, so it was definitely someone she knew, Kyuhyun realized. "Maybe he wants a dance with you? Should I move away?"
"No!" Victoria's nails dug into his shoulders, and it was painful. She looked slightly panicked, but still resolutely not looking his way. "It's okay, he doesn't mind me dancing with you anyway."
The words clicked, and Kyuhyun blinked. "Oh, is that your fiancé?"
"...Yes. I suppose." Victoria lowered her eyes. "But I don't know. Maybe he will just pick another of his many adoring fangirls. This was just a family arrangement anyway."
Kyuhyun looked over his shoulders, and true to her words, the guy was indeed surrounded by many beautiful chattering girls, not unlike one of the guys from their host club. Yet the fact remained that the guy was paying those girls no attention, and was staring holes at the two of them. "Victoria-sshi, do you like him?"
Victoria was silent for a whole minute. "I... I have always admired him."
Kyuhyun nudged her slightly. "Well then, have you ever told him that?"
"...No. But I know that I can't compete with the girls that surround Nichkhun-sshi. I'm too loud, too busy, not lady-like enough, not graceful enough..."
"But you are an amazing dancer." Kyuhyun smiled as the girl flushed. "And don't you have the ultimate advantage of being his fiancée? Fight for what you have, Victoria-sshi, you can't just stand here and wait forever for the apple to fall on your head."
"But..."
"Go, he's only been staring at you the whole night, really." He pushed her slightly into the crowd, and waved her away as she stared up at him with doubtful eyes. "Go!"
"Thank you," she hesitated for a few beats then nodded and ran off. He shook his head in amusement as he saw Victoria finally catching up with her fiance, tugging at his wrist and jerking him around to face her.
"Wow, Kuixian, did you just chase off a customer?" Kyuhyun looked up, and Zhou Mi was smiling brightly at him. "I'll teach your Chinese, how about that?"
"What?"
"I'll privately tutor you in Chinese, just set the time." Zhou Mi leaned closer, his hair once again brushing Kyuhyun's forehead, and Kyuhyun couldn't even get away even if he wanted to. Just as he was about to open his mouth to reply, the grand clock chimed and a spotlight was suddenly in his face, making him nearly trip on his feet with the blinding brightness.
"Beautiful ladies in the house!" Henry was on the speaker. All the girls cheered loudly. "Thank you, everyone, for participating in our annual Christmas Ball! It is now finally the time to announce the winner and the ultimate prize for our annual Fan Club competition! And the fantastic elastic prize for tonight is, a kiss from our lovely new host Cho Kyuhyun!"
The crowd erupted in shrill screams, those inclusive of Zhou Mi's and Kyuhyun's himself.
"I didn't know about this!"
"I didn't know about this!"
"Didn't I say you would be participating in the host club's annual Christmas Ball activities?" Ryeowook appeared from out of nowhere next to them with a champagne glass in hand, raising it in a toast. "We plan a surprise for our guests every year. Zhou Mi aren't you aware of this?"
"I thought you meant just the dance!"
"But normally it's me who gives out the kiss!"
Kyuhyun turned to stare at Zhou Mi. The older man's mouth snapped shut, his feet shuffling nervously. Ryeowook rolled his eyes.
"So?"
Kyuhyun bit down on his lip. A thirty percent reduction of his debt, that certainly wasn't a small amount. He had already gotten through the dance part, a kiss with a girl was no big deal. Kyuhyun shrugged and stepped out to the center of the ballroom where the girl was waiting. He completely missed out on the way Zhou Mi was silently spluttering and flailing around, "But Kuixian can't kiss a girl!", earning a few strange stares from Ryeowook.
Kyuhyun took a deep breath, stepping closer to the blushing young girl and leaning down slowly... everyone in the room was holding their breath... until he felt his collar being forcefully grabbed and he was pulled away at the same time something big and heavy flew past him towards the girl. Before he could even comprehend what was happening, screams and squeals erupted in the room.
"Wow, that was a close call." A familiar voice... hot breaths puffed in his ears, and Kyuhyun jerked away. Zhou Mi was smiling down at him, and it was apparent now that the other man's fingers were still strongly tugging on his collar. Kyuhyun whipped his head back to where he had been standing a mere minute ago only to see Siwon holding the girl in his arms... actually she looked like she had just had a nosebleed and fainted.
"Did you just throw Siwon..."
"ZHOU MI!!!" Okay that was definitely Sungmin's shriek.
Kyuhyun glared up at Zhou Mi and received a crushing hug in return. ("You look so cute when you're mad, Kuixian!")
And thus poor commoner Cho Kyuhyun's first Christmas at the SM Host Club ended happily.
"Well, Kyuhyun, because you didn't complete one clause of the deal which was to participate in the host club's annual activities which was to accommodate the Fan Club winner's prize, the deal is invalid and your debt remains the same." Ryeowook dutifully poked at his ipad.
"Zhou Mi I hate you."
-