Falling downhill is the only way out of an avalanche
Okay.
Okay, so. So, it's like. You have this life, right, and it's yours and yours alone.
Until it's not. You share it with someone else, and it means something, like suddenly it's really hard to sleep without them there, and you don't even find that fact silly; it's natural in a way that sleeping by yourself for the whole rest of your life hasn't been.
It's like puppies.
Puppies sleep in packs, and then when you take them away from each other, they cry and cry at night. It's loneliness and heartbreak, and they howl with the pain of being apart.
Until they forget. I guess that's part of growing up.
It's like a ring.
Rings don't have an end. Circular and all. A ring starts and ends at the same point, and just repeats over and over again for the rest of the time. Maybe that's why we give them to symbolize forever. It's more appealing than a snake eating itself, anyway.
It's like this: it's not a metaphor. It's my life.
It's a boy I love, and the word “no”. It's broken promises, changing perspectives, and the injustice of an unfair world. It's a cruel god or goddess, if you believe that sort of thing. It's the Fates. It's heroes and history, and too much missing time.
It's selfishness, and stubbornness. It's the inherent self-centered quality of love. It's having that turns to wanting, which turns to giving in. It's losing yourself in someone else, and not knowing what to do when they're gone. It's having that be the whole damn problem.
It's a promise that a love is enough of a reason to remember the most awful things.
He promised it was enough, and now it isn't, and it's my fault for being hurt by that.
It's like I literally remembered being raped to be with you.
Except it's not just like that at all because instead it's exactly what actually happened. But it's being unfair to remember that, right? It's asking too much for you to remember that, when I never understand you at all. I don't consider your needs enough. I don't get your point of view. I'm too bitter. I'm too clingy. I want too much of you. It's not enough to give you everything, I have to not expect you to be able to do the same.
Because it's a cruel world, and a mean world, and the good fight needs to be fought. And I don't understand that. Not like you do. Because I don't have a destiny, too. I don't see the world as an awful place that has to be dealt with, and not lived in.
I'm just a girl, too in love. I don't understand you. But you understand me. And you find me lacking.
Except, that's unfair too. I just can't find the words to say why it's unfair because I don't understand. And because I don't understand, I'm resentful, and that's why I'm unworthy. That's why I disgust you. That why I am a weakness to you. A temptation. I am something to be avoided. Because I am weak, and selfish and a child.
Except I love you.
I'll love you forever. That's the problem.
And it's not like I can't kiss someone else and feel something. It's not like I can't see how much he cares, it's not like I don't notice that his feelings are real. It's not like I don't know how much he deserves this - it's not like I don't know how this story is supposed to end.
Slow and steady is supposed to win the race.
And it's not like my legs don't go to jelly when he kisses me. It's not like I don't feel anything. It's not like I don't get turned on. It's not like I really ever expected that to only happen with you. It's not like I really let myself believe every stupid fairytale.
It's not really like this … thing … has to be a rebound. It's not really like it's always going to feel like cheating. It's not really like I can't see how fucked up I'm going to stay unless I move on.
Not really.
It's like …
It's like I'm exactly as pathetic as I think you think I am.
I am so scared to let go, and I'm going to lose something that could be really good for me because of it. And it's like … I can't even hate you for that.
Not even a little bit.
Not even at all.