Evolution: Chapter 16
Evolution
Chapter 16: Horseshoes and Hand Grenades
(My grandfather always used to say: "Almost only counts in Horseshoes and Hand Grenades." The other version of the saying is "Almost only counts in Horseshoes, Hand Grenades and Tactical Nuclear Weapons.")
Summary: This is a story of the Evolution of the character of Lightning throughout Final Fantasy XIII. The story will begin in the Vile Peaks and go through the rest of the game. There will be AU components to this tale. No Pairing (although you can read whatever you like into it.)
"Too much sanity may be madness. And maddest of all, to see life as it is and not as it should be!"
-MIGUEL DE CERVANTES, Don Quixote
-Horseshoes and Hand Grenades-
They walk in silence down the dark corridors, following the pale light from the torch Fang carries. The cave is frigid, the air close. Lightning can see her breath misting in puffs with each exhale. It's a strange combination, somehow incongruous with her mind's associations for each feeling. Something in her wants to associate close, claustrophobic areas with warmth, and frigid temperatures as open and exposed. Nothing is as it seems.
Lightning has taken up Snow's usual position as rearguard. She trails behind her friends, counts out the distance in wall sconces, dead ends and disappointments. Two hours of walking and exploring has yielded nothing but frustration-a series of truncated tunnels and one collapsed artery leading nowhere. Two hours and they're no closer to finding a path to Snow and Hope. Lightning can't help but feel antsy the farther they go. Her skin crawls with the desire to switch tactics. She can't help but feel that each passing minute decreases the odds of finding Snow and Hope.
Stop!
She directs her attention from her lost companions to the present ones. Her eyes are adjusting far better to the low light that she'd have expected, and give her an excellent view of her faltering friends. Vanille leans heavily on Sazh, drooping more and more with each step. She looks pale and pinched, her pain obvious to Lightning, dimness notwithstanding. The cold is more than likely exacerbating her pain. Lightning knows from unfortunate experience the misery of hypothermia and the intense discomfort of cold injuries. Muscles contract in the cold to conserve heat which can cause cramps and spasms. A simple pulled muscle can become a hobbling and painful injury if the muscle gets too cold for too long. Vanille needs rest and warmth. Sazh is doing his best to prod Vanille onward but he's starting to lose the battle. It probably isn't helping that he's running low on his own reserves of strength.
Fang shows no sign of slowing or flagging. A woman after my own heart! Lightning can't help but admire and appreciate Fang's drive and fortitude. Fang seems determined to keep her word about helping Lightning search for the two missing members of their group. She has been scanning the main cavern for any possible tunnels or shafts that might lead them down. Lightning wants nothing more than to continue her search. She glances behind her into the dark cavern, wonders again if she's made a mistake following Fang onward instead of standing her ground and searching for Snow and Hope. Every step forward that she takes feels like miles of distance. Every minute feels like hours. There is a near overwhelming dread that she is never going to see them again; that she has failed them utterly.
She tears her gaze away from their trail and focuses on what's in front of her. She can't undo what's been done, and second guessing logical decisions will accomplish nothing but driving her deeper into depression and despair. She needs to trust in her companions and herself.
She only wishes it were that simple.
Lightning used to trust herself implicitly. She's always had raw talent, training and a cool, logical mind; combined, these attributes all made her an exceptional soldier. She was cold, distant and detached, making her an excellent tactician. Where others would get bogged down in sentiment, Lightning would be able to distill a situation down to the bare facts and make clear, concise decisions based solely on facts and circumstances. Once upon a time, Lightning would have never doubted a battlefield decision.
Then the fal'Cie stole her sister from her. That one moment stole her equilibrium, set her on a mission of vengeance and instilled in her a bloodlust of immense proportion. She's been running on adrenaline and anger ever since. She has yet to discover a limit to her violent urges. There is something evil growing within her; she can feel it. She no longer trusts herself to make decisions grounded in logic. She now feels adrift, unsure of her own heart and mind. Rage is her master, dictating her actions. She finds the urge to hit and hurt anything in her way nearly overwhelming. She has come to the frightening conclusion that she will only stop thirsting for more violence when she is dead.
So, Lightning hasn't trusted herself since the day she lost Serah. She's been sloppy and self-destructive, her motivations muddled and nonsensical. The only people that had offered her any incentive to do better-to be better-were Snow and Hope. Hope, because she'd sworn to protect him, to never abandon him, and his faith and belief in her drove her to live up to his expectations. To be a better person. Snow because she trusted him to keep her in check, stand by her side and call her on all her crap. They were-are-her reasons to try and survive this mess intact.
Speaking of intact, Vanille looks to be losing the battle to remain conscious and Sazh appears to be losing the battle against gravity to keep himself and Vanille on their feet. She'd like nothing better than to ignore them and their distress and continue on her search for Snow and Hope. She can't be sure if that's her logic or her evil speaking anymore, but she recognizes it as an ignoble feeling either way. She didn't save her companions earlier only to kill them now. "Fang," Lightning calls from the back of the group.
"Ya?" Fang pauses, continues to peer into the darkness before them rather than turn to face her companions. "What's up?"
"I think we need to take a rest." Fang looks incredulous as she turns back toward Lightning. Those might not have been the last words Fang expected to hear from Lightning, but they are pretty damn close. Lightning gestures to where Sazh and Vanille are flagging. Fang glances at Sazh and Vanille and her brow furrows. She walks back toward Vanille, stuffs the torch in Lightning's hands, grabs Vanille's chin and tilts her head to get a look at her. Vanille's eyes are glassy and bruised looking, her skin waxy and pale. There is a bluish tint to her lips that speaks of mild to moderate hypothermia. They need to warm her up and let her rest or there's a good chance the girl will succumb to exposure.
"Yeah, alright. A rest it is then," Fang mumbles. She chafes at Vanille's arms hard, a smart tactic to offer warmth and increased circulation. She takes Vanille's right arm and pulls it across her shoulders, takes most of the burden from Sazh. "We'll stop here while I find us a secure place to rest for a while. Alright love?"
Vanille shivers, hums an "Uh huh," as Fang helps her settle on the floor against the wall of the corridor.
"We need to get her warmed up." Lightning says. Something tickles her mind.
/...it'll be worth it when we're in Mah'Habara. It can get awfully cold in those tunnels.../
"Do we still have that animal hide or did we lose it in the cave in?" Lightning asks. Smart money is on its gone, based solely on their crappy luck.
Fang gives Lightning a thoughtful look. "I'm not sure which bag it's packed in. You wanna go grab my pack so I can look?" Lightning nods, glances around and spots the bag. She grabs it, hands it to Fang who says a cursory, "Cheers," and roots around. "Aha! Look-y here. I've still got some." She pulls out what looks like maybe a third of the hide. "Good call, my friend!" She shakes out the fur. "Sit forward, love." She wraps the hide around Vanille's shaking shoulders, tucks it tight. "How's that then?"
Vanille nods and shivers. Lightning looks over at Sazh. He remains on his feet, swaying in an imaginary breeze. Lightning watches him for a moment before saying, "Sazh, why don't you go sit with Vanille? The two of you can rest and warm up a bit. I'll keep watch while Fang finds a safe camp for us." Sazh looks over at her with heavy eyelids, stares at her as if he's debating her suggestion.
When he says, "Excuse me? I didn't catch that, Soldier," Lightning decides that he's way too weary to remain standing. He's going to collapse before he processes her statement. She takes him by the elbow and nudges. "Hey, where're we going?" He eyes her hand with trepidation.
"You are going to sit down before you fall over." She leads him to the wall next to Vanille, then presses down on his shoulder until he sits. "And I am going to stand here and keep watch while Fang finds us a good camp site." Fang looks over at her and Lightning says to her, "Unless you want me to find a camp site."
Fang narrows her eyes at Lightning, then casts a worried look back at Vanille. She gives Lightning another suspicious look. "Um..." It appears that Fang can't decide which option sucks less. Lightning understands Fang's reservations. Fang knows that all Lightning wants to do is search for Hope and Snow. And Lightning will freely admit that if she goes on a 'camp site' hunt, she might deviate from her task in favor of finding her missing companions. All these delays are setting Lightning's teeth on edge. She decides to take the choice away from Fang, make the decision herself.
"I'll take care of Vanille and Sazh," Lightning promises. She means it. She may not be as reliable these days as she used to be, but she'd never shirk her duties. "The faster you go, the sooner we can get them settled for some rest." Lightning feels her patience siphoning away. Her whole body is tensing and twitching at the inactivity. Time is an inexorable bitch. Each moment of indecision is time wasted.
Fang spends a moment debating before agreeing. "Alright. I'm not going more than one hundred meters from here. If I don't find anything, then we'll have to just set up a perimeter here."
Lightning shrugs. "That's not the worst thing I've ever heard. We haven't had any run ins since we've been here."
Fang nods as she pulls her pack on. "Yeah, I know. But that's worrisome in and of itself. Mah'Habara is a fal'Cie cavern. The lack of regular wildlife might indicate varieties of magic enhanced creatures or even Cie'th. Nothing we really want to run into in the darkness."
"Great. More good news." Sazh mumbles before closing his eyes. "Think we'll ever catch a break?"
Lightning doesn't even think about her answer. "No," she states, keeping an eye on Fang until she disappears from sight.
Lightning peers into the darkness. Fang has only been gone a few minutes, but Lightning is counting them off like they're years spent in thumbscrews. She paces back and forth, trying to burn off some of her nervous energy. It's just making it worse. Her stomach flips at the idea of Snow and Hope alone and possibly injured squaring off against Cie'th, or hell, even a fal'Cie. It just makes her itch to get moving again. It is taking all her willpower to stay put and not go off on her own. She looks back at Sazh and Vanille, sees the exhaustion inscribed on every line of their bodies and reminds herself that they need someone to look after them. They deserve her loyalty too after all they have done for her.
This should not be this hard.
She sits down across the cavern from her friends. Sazh has his arm around Vanille's shoulders, Vanille's head is propped on Sazh's chest. They both have their eyes closed. Lightning's heart wrenches at the familiar tableau. She remembers Snow holding her as she held Hope, the three of them offering and receiving comfort in the wake of terrifying revelations. She'd been so at peace for that brief moment. It's only been a few days. It feels like a lifetime.
She misses them. There's an ache that she can't reach to rub or alleviate. She's heard soldiers speak about pain from missing limbs. Phantom pains, they'd called them. Feet that were blown off by mines or hands that required amputation after injury still hurting long after they've been lost. She thinks she might understand a shadow of that pain now. There's nothing to tend or soothe, but it hurts all the same. She shifts and grunts, aggravated at herself for letting her mind wander back to Snow and Hope. She needs to think about something else or she'll go mad.
Alright. Let's get real here. Madder. She passed mad about two weeks back.
She looks back at her companions, wishing one of them was awake to distract her. Vanille is sleeping, but Sazh is only dozing. She can't bring herself to rouse him from his light doze despite her desperation. She doubts that he's really slept since the Purge. Sazh has lost too much to find any sort of real peace. Lightning is ashamed at her own petulance. She's so enveloped in her own need that she's once again forgotten that everyone has lost here; lost far too much since this all started. And they all care about Snow and Hope. They are all 'family' now and she's sure that they want to find the missing members of their group, if not as much as she does, then at the least more than she's crediting them.
Lightning shakes her head and stretches her legs in front of her, determined to calm herself down. She needs to get some control and focus back. She's feels strung out and pulled too tight, like one more bit of pressure will cause a rupture. And an ugly one at that. She puts her head back against the wall behind her, crosses her ankles, and stares at a crack in the ceiling.
She flashes back to the cave in and the terrifying certainty of death. The horrifying weight of dirt and rock pouring down and burying her. Burying everything.
She closes her eyes against the memory of falling rocks and hears...something. Her eyes snap open. She's on her feet, weapon drawn in a heartbeat. She freezes and listens.
"What's up, Soldier?"
"Ssh." She hisses. She peers into the darkness, hoping to spot the source of the sound. Sazh perks up, looking for whatever has Lightning on edge.
"You hear somethin'?"
"SSH. Quiet!" She hears it again. A voice in the darkness. "Did you hear that?" She looks at Sazh expectantly.
"Hear what?"
"The voice." She looks at Sazh for confirmation. He looks confused. She can't contain the disgust, lets an "uck," slip out before pressing her ear to the wall. Sound travels faster through solid objects than through the air. She learned that trick as a kid playing on train tracks. If the voice is something other than her own wishful thinking, she figures she'll hear it through the cave walls. "It sounds like..."
{HELP ME!}
Hope!
"Hope!" She whispers. "HOPE!" She yells. Listens for an answer. She knows his voice as sure as she knows her own. She looks back at Sazh. He has a strange expression on his face. It looks like pity. "It's Hope. He's yelling for help!" Sazh looks away from her. She gets a cold, churning pit in her stomach. "You don't believe me?" He won't look at her. "Come here and listen!" She presses her ear to the wall again, willing Hope to speak again.
"Look, Soldier..." She goes cold to her toes.
"No! This isn't my imagination, Sazh."
"Look, I'm sure that you heard something." And with those words, it's all clear to her.
"You think they're dead, don't you?"
"No!" He denies. He sighs. "Yes. And you do too." She shakes her head. "Don't give me that! Why do you think you're hearing them in the walls?"
I don't. Lightning suddenly feels like she's on fire. Her face burns and her head throbs with rage. "Or maybe I'm actually hearing him." She doesn't believe that they are gone. "Why can't that be? Why do you think they have to be dead?" Does she? "We survived."
"Yeah." Sazh agrees. "Barely."
"There's no such thing as almost when it comes to surviving. You either do or you don't. And we did." She feels like a fool. Were they just appeasing her all along? Sazh telling her that they'd find Snow and Hope is obviously crap. Did Fang deceive her too? Her body shakes at the idea, and she gets a bright, sharp pain in her head, presses the heel of her hand into her eye as a counterpoint.
"Alright look..."
"Don't," Lightning snaps, tastes the blood before she even notices it's pouring from her nose. Dizziness crashes over her like a wave. Sazh is on his feet, hands at her elbows. She wants to shove him away (hit him!) but sense asserts itself. Sazh is not her enemy and right now, he's probably all that's holding her up.
"I'm so sorry, Soldier." Sazh whispers to her. The words are impossible to hear. She can't take the genuine remorse in his voice. He believes they're gone. It shouldn't matter to her except...she trusts Sazh. Trusts his assessments of situations. Trusts him to offer sanity in the maelstrom of lunacy around and within. Trusts him to offer the logic that eludes her these days. Her own mind is so fuzzy, so jumbled by her pain and exhaustion. So now she can't help but wonder: is she deluding herself? Has she really slipped into hallucinatory madness? She hangs her head, watches blood drip onto the floor at her feet until the tears welling up blur her vision. She sniffs once, hard, wonders if she really is losing the final shreds of her sanity. Wonders if she really cares anymore.
"What the hell is going on here?" Fang snaps, announcing her return. "I'm gone, what, ten minutes?" Lightning hears the footsteps approach, sees the toes of Fang's shoes before fingers slip under her chin and press up. She keeps her eyes averted. She can't look Fang in the eye right now. "You alright then?"
She shakes her head in answer. She doesn't know what she is anymore, but she's positive that it's nothing close to 'alright.' She shakes free of Sazh's hold, steps away, presses herself back to the wall. The rock is cool against her heated face, offering some relief from the misery. She needs privacy. She needs an hour to fall apart without spectators. She needs to figure out how she's going to keep going when she's lost...everything. Again.
"What happened?" Fang asks. Lightning doesn't answer. She has no idea how to answer. She's losing her mind bit by bit. Half of her can't wait until its gone so she won't know it's happening anymore.
"She thought she heard Hope through the wall," Sazh whispers. Lightning shuts her eyes, presses her forehead to the wall.
"Well, that's good then, right?" Fang sounds confused. Sazh heaves a sigh. "What does that mean? What'd you say?"
"The truth. "
"What'd you do?" Fang sounds irate.
"It needed to be done," Sazh declares. "It's not doing her any good. I should know. Denial only hurts more." Lightning knows Sazh speaks from hard experience. His hope to see his son again left him with a heartbreaking armload of crystal instead of a living Dajh. He hopes to spare her a similar loss. She should appreciate his consideration.
She really doesn't. At all.
"We talked about this," Fang whispers. "We decided."
"Enough," Lightning whispers. She can't listen to this talk. She is tired of following, of having no control over her own fate. She's been weak, ceding control to others. She has allowed her exhaustion and pain to dictate her actions and run her life. That's over now. Everything she cares about now-her family-is on the line here. If her friends feel they need to walk a different path, so be it. She needs to know the truth, whatever that may be. She will not give up just because it's easy; because it might spare her. She's never been a coward. She refuses to become one now. She turns and faces them. "Whatever you two have decided...good for you. I'm still looking. If you're not with me, then stay out of my way."
Speaking the words lifts a weight. Now that she's decided on a course of action, she's got to move. Should she go forward or backward? She spends less than a second debating a path. She knows there is no point in retracing their steps. Fang is right about the instability of the cave behind her. She can't dig through the fallen rocks without risking killing herself, or worse, killing Snow and Hope. She needs to move forward. She grabs a torch from the sconce just ahead, checks the pitch before lighting it off their torch.
"Alright, wait a minute," Fang stammers. Lightning ignores her. She's not interested in what these people have to say anymore. She will not try to deter them from their chosen path just as she will not be deterred from hers. She takes two steps and Fang steps into her path. "Would you just wait?"
Lightning narrows her eyes. She feels that growing evil inside her spark a desire for violence. It would be so easy to hit right now. To lash out with fists and feet and just hurt someone as badly as she hurts. The voice of rationality holds her fast. She clenches her fist around the torch, steps back and says, "What?"
"I told you I'd go with you."
"Do you think they're dead already?" Lightning fires back. Fang pauses and Lightning steps around her. It's all the answer she needs.
"Hey!" Fang snaps, sticking to Lightning's heels. "I don't know, right? But I promised I'd help you look and I keep my word! Always."
"No thanks. I have enough pessimism for two already," Lightning picks up her pace. "I appreciate the sentiment, but I work better alone anyway."
Fang barks a sharp laugh. "Really? Who do you think you're kidding here?" Fang stops moving. "Whether you believe it or not, you're gonna need my help, little Miss Soldier! I've actually been in Mah'Habara before. A lot. How many times have you been here? Or in any cavern for that matter? What the hell do you know about spelunking?"
Lightning pauses and glances back over her shoulder at Fang. Sarcasm usually irritates her, but she can see the frustration radiating off the other woman. As much as she wants to ignore Fang, Lightning has to admit that she has a valid point. She doesn't know anything about caves in general, or about this cave in particular. She could probably wander this cavern until the end of her natural life without finding Snow and Hope.
Good thing that's another week at this point. Tops.
"So, is that a yes then?" Fang sounds relieved. Lightning feels guilty for heaping more stress on top of an already overwrought group of people. "You'll wait and let me help you?"
Wait. Her heart sinks. Again with the waiting.
"I'm done with waiting." The truth is she can't relax. She won't find any peace at all. "If Snow or Hope or both are injured, then time is our enemy. I need to get moving. If you can't, I understand."
"You know what?" Fang steps forward and grabs Lightning's right arm. Every muscle in Lightning's body tenses in anticipation of a good, hard fight. She wants so badly to just HIT something. Or someone. She restrains herself and refrains from lashing out. Barely. "Do you see this?" Fang points to a strange discoloration on Lightning's arm. Right where her latest injury had been. "What do you think that is?"
Lightning's muscles uncoil and her mind goes blank. She stares at the discoloration she'd thought was bruising. Or dirt. Or scarring. In the direct torchlight, she can see that it's none of the above. The skin isn't bluish purple or yellowish green. It's not any color of the bruising spectrum she's ever seen. It's not the gradated blacks and browns of ground in dirt. It's not the browns of new scars, or even the silvers and whites of old ones.
It's uniform, flat gray.
"Or your leg?" Fang says. She doesn't want to look, but she's no coward. Her stomach flutters and sours. She tastes bile in the back of her throat. Lightning looks at her newly healed leg, sees the same odd gray coloring creeping up her left thigh. "What's that?" Fang asks, sarcasm dripping from every syllable. I don't know. "Any ideas?"
No clue. There's a ball of lead in her stomach, and a suspicion growing in her mind. She wants to run. She can't escape this enemy.
"Wanna guess?" Fang amps up her sarcasm, but dials down the tone. Keeping all horrible secrets between the Lightning, Fang and the walls, it seems.
Not really. She may throw up. She's not sure. Fang should get clear of the splash zone, just in case.
"Well I'll tell you then." Fang snaps. She sounds as sick as Lightning feels. "It's starting. Right? You understand what I'm saying to you?" Lightning trembles. Fights to stay still. She needs to be strong now. "All that magical nonsense you pulled today. I've never seen anything like that before. That wasn't normal! Not even for magic, which is always changing. I've touched Vanille's brand before. That never happened. So that? That was all you, my friend. You almost killed yourself with that little stunt. You've become a like a lightning rod for magic. Your powers are growing into something I've never seen before. And as a consequence..."
"I'm changing." She expects the words to shatter her. They don't. Saying it doesn't make it worse, despite her fears. In fact, they're almost a relief. No more hiding. No more running. The enemy has breached the gates. She feels calm flood through her, wash over her. Now that it's happening, there's nothing left to fear. She'll deal with this the way she's dealt with every other obstacle in her life. She'll deal with it by hurtling or demolishing it. Or maybe she'll break herself apart upon it. Whatever works.
"Yeah," Fang agrees. "So you need to stop this now, okay?" Lightning's shaking her head. "What does that mean? No? You're not going to stop?"
"No. There's no point anymore."
"Are you completely suicidal? Have you really gone completely round the bend?" Fang snaps. Her frustration could fill the entirety of Cocoon. She's incandescent with ire.
"No," Lightning answers. "Well, maybe," she reconsiders. " But that's not why. I just have nothing left to lose. Except for them. And now more than ever, I need to move." There are no more doubts left. There's no time for almost. She is a monster. Right now. It isn't some distant possibility. Some abstract. It's an absolute. Her present and future. "I don't have time to waste sitting around here resting or sleeping. I don't know how much time I have left, but I'm going to use every second of it to find Snow and Hope." Dead or alive.
"And I told you I'd help you do that," Fang declares. "I keep my promises. But I've made other promises too."
"I know." Lightning doesn't expect Fang to waste her time following a monster around in the dark to search for the dead. It's a ridiculous notion. She still has a chance. She and Vanille and Sazh all have a chance to come through this nightmare. To survive. And that's what Lightning wants them to do. She wants them to survive this mess. And hopefully beat that bastard Barthandelus and all his brethren for their sick, twisted games. Lightning allows herself one moment of anger and disappointment that she'll never have that satisfaction. She lets it go. "You have to take care of Sazh and Vanille."
"Yeah, I do! But I made a promise to the Hero," Fang snaps. It's a gut punch that steals Lightning's breath. It's something she's never considered. "I promised him I'd keep you safe and alive if he wasn't around to do it," Fang whispers. "And I keep my word. Always."
"You also promised me..." She's not ready yet, but soon she will be. She needs to know if Snow and Hope are gone. If they're not, she needs to save them. If they are, she needs to know. She needs to bury them and mourn them. Then she'll be ready.
"I did. And I'll keep that one too if I have to. But the one I made to the Hero is more important right now. You're not the only one who feels like she's failed." Fang chokes up. Lightning blinks the sting from her eyes. If she starts crying now, she might just drown in her misery. "So, I need you to give me one hour to set Sazh and Vanille up. Then we'll go. Deal? That's fair, right?"
One hour. It's not unreasonable. So why does it feel like such a hardship?
Because you're a selfish bitch.
Shame burns her cheeks. Fang has been a loyal and steadfast friend. She's grieving too. She's lost as much as Lightning, if not more. She's lost a home, whatever family might have been here, her memories, her purpose. She's given all of herself over to her new friends, and all she's asked for in return is an hour. Like Serah only asking for understanding. How can Lightning consider making the same mistake again, now with this new sister in arms?
No matter the temptation.
"Alright. Of course, it's fair."
Fang smiles. "Right then." She claps Lightning on the shoulder and heads toward their waiting companions.
Lightning wonders if she's made a mistake.
Chapter 17...
Chapter 16: Horseshoes and Hand Grenades
(My grandfather always used to say: "Almost only counts in Horseshoes and Hand Grenades." The other version of the saying is "Almost only counts in Horseshoes, Hand Grenades and Tactical Nuclear Weapons.")
Summary: This is a story of the Evolution of the character of Lightning throughout Final Fantasy XIII. The story will begin in the Vile Peaks and go through the rest of the game. There will be AU components to this tale. No Pairing (although you can read whatever you like into it.)
"Too much sanity may be madness. And maddest of all, to see life as it is and not as it should be!"
-MIGUEL DE CERVANTES, Don Quixote
-Horseshoes and Hand Grenades-
They walk in silence down the dark corridors, following the pale light from the torch Fang carries. The cave is frigid, the air close. Lightning can see her breath misting in puffs with each exhale. It's a strange combination, somehow incongruous with her mind's associations for each feeling. Something in her wants to associate close, claustrophobic areas with warmth, and frigid temperatures as open and exposed. Nothing is as it seems.
Lightning has taken up Snow's usual position as rearguard. She trails behind her friends, counts out the distance in wall sconces, dead ends and disappointments. Two hours of walking and exploring has yielded nothing but frustration-a series of truncated tunnels and one collapsed artery leading nowhere. Two hours and they're no closer to finding a path to Snow and Hope. Lightning can't help but feel antsy the farther they go. Her skin crawls with the desire to switch tactics. She can't help but feel that each passing minute decreases the odds of finding Snow and Hope.
Stop!
She directs her attention from her lost companions to the present ones. Her eyes are adjusting far better to the low light that she'd have expected, and give her an excellent view of her faltering friends. Vanille leans heavily on Sazh, drooping more and more with each step. She looks pale and pinched, her pain obvious to Lightning, dimness notwithstanding. The cold is more than likely exacerbating her pain. Lightning knows from unfortunate experience the misery of hypothermia and the intense discomfort of cold injuries. Muscles contract in the cold to conserve heat which can cause cramps and spasms. A simple pulled muscle can become a hobbling and painful injury if the muscle gets too cold for too long. Vanille needs rest and warmth. Sazh is doing his best to prod Vanille onward but he's starting to lose the battle. It probably isn't helping that he's running low on his own reserves of strength.
Fang shows no sign of slowing or flagging. A woman after my own heart! Lightning can't help but admire and appreciate Fang's drive and fortitude. Fang seems determined to keep her word about helping Lightning search for the two missing members of their group. She has been scanning the main cavern for any possible tunnels or shafts that might lead them down. Lightning wants nothing more than to continue her search. She glances behind her into the dark cavern, wonders again if she's made a mistake following Fang onward instead of standing her ground and searching for Snow and Hope. Every step forward that she takes feels like miles of distance. Every minute feels like hours. There is a near overwhelming dread that she is never going to see them again; that she has failed them utterly.
She tears her gaze away from their trail and focuses on what's in front of her. She can't undo what's been done, and second guessing logical decisions will accomplish nothing but driving her deeper into depression and despair. She needs to trust in her companions and herself.
She only wishes it were that simple.
Lightning used to trust herself implicitly. She's always had raw talent, training and a cool, logical mind; combined, these attributes all made her an exceptional soldier. She was cold, distant and detached, making her an excellent tactician. Where others would get bogged down in sentiment, Lightning would be able to distill a situation down to the bare facts and make clear, concise decisions based solely on facts and circumstances. Once upon a time, Lightning would have never doubted a battlefield decision.
Then the fal'Cie stole her sister from her. That one moment stole her equilibrium, set her on a mission of vengeance and instilled in her a bloodlust of immense proportion. She's been running on adrenaline and anger ever since. She has yet to discover a limit to her violent urges. There is something evil growing within her; she can feel it. She no longer trusts herself to make decisions grounded in logic. She now feels adrift, unsure of her own heart and mind. Rage is her master, dictating her actions. She finds the urge to hit and hurt anything in her way nearly overwhelming. She has come to the frightening conclusion that she will only stop thirsting for more violence when she is dead.
So, Lightning hasn't trusted herself since the day she lost Serah. She's been sloppy and self-destructive, her motivations muddled and nonsensical. The only people that had offered her any incentive to do better-to be better-were Snow and Hope. Hope, because she'd sworn to protect him, to never abandon him, and his faith and belief in her drove her to live up to his expectations. To be a better person. Snow because she trusted him to keep her in check, stand by her side and call her on all her crap. They were-are-her reasons to try and survive this mess intact.
Speaking of intact, Vanille looks to be losing the battle to remain conscious and Sazh appears to be losing the battle against gravity to keep himself and Vanille on their feet. She'd like nothing better than to ignore them and their distress and continue on her search for Snow and Hope. She can't be sure if that's her logic or her evil speaking anymore, but she recognizes it as an ignoble feeling either way. She didn't save her companions earlier only to kill them now. "Fang," Lightning calls from the back of the group.
"Ya?" Fang pauses, continues to peer into the darkness before them rather than turn to face her companions. "What's up?"
"I think we need to take a rest." Fang looks incredulous as she turns back toward Lightning. Those might not have been the last words Fang expected to hear from Lightning, but they are pretty damn close. Lightning gestures to where Sazh and Vanille are flagging. Fang glances at Sazh and Vanille and her brow furrows. She walks back toward Vanille, stuffs the torch in Lightning's hands, grabs Vanille's chin and tilts her head to get a look at her. Vanille's eyes are glassy and bruised looking, her skin waxy and pale. There is a bluish tint to her lips that speaks of mild to moderate hypothermia. They need to warm her up and let her rest or there's a good chance the girl will succumb to exposure.
"Yeah, alright. A rest it is then," Fang mumbles. She chafes at Vanille's arms hard, a smart tactic to offer warmth and increased circulation. She takes Vanille's right arm and pulls it across her shoulders, takes most of the burden from Sazh. "We'll stop here while I find us a secure place to rest for a while. Alright love?"
Vanille shivers, hums an "Uh huh," as Fang helps her settle on the floor against the wall of the corridor.
"We need to get her warmed up." Lightning says. Something tickles her mind.
/...it'll be worth it when we're in Mah'Habara. It can get awfully cold in those tunnels.../
"Do we still have that animal hide or did we lose it in the cave in?" Lightning asks. Smart money is on its gone, based solely on their crappy luck.
Fang gives Lightning a thoughtful look. "I'm not sure which bag it's packed in. You wanna go grab my pack so I can look?" Lightning nods, glances around and spots the bag. She grabs it, hands it to Fang who says a cursory, "Cheers," and roots around. "Aha! Look-y here. I've still got some." She pulls out what looks like maybe a third of the hide. "Good call, my friend!" She shakes out the fur. "Sit forward, love." She wraps the hide around Vanille's shaking shoulders, tucks it tight. "How's that then?"
Vanille nods and shivers. Lightning looks over at Sazh. He remains on his feet, swaying in an imaginary breeze. Lightning watches him for a moment before saying, "Sazh, why don't you go sit with Vanille? The two of you can rest and warm up a bit. I'll keep watch while Fang finds a safe camp for us." Sazh looks over at her with heavy eyelids, stares at her as if he's debating her suggestion.
When he says, "Excuse me? I didn't catch that, Soldier," Lightning decides that he's way too weary to remain standing. He's going to collapse before he processes her statement. She takes him by the elbow and nudges. "Hey, where're we going?" He eyes her hand with trepidation.
"You are going to sit down before you fall over." She leads him to the wall next to Vanille, then presses down on his shoulder until he sits. "And I am going to stand here and keep watch while Fang finds us a good camp site." Fang looks over at her and Lightning says to her, "Unless you want me to find a camp site."
Fang narrows her eyes at Lightning, then casts a worried look back at Vanille. She gives Lightning another suspicious look. "Um..." It appears that Fang can't decide which option sucks less. Lightning understands Fang's reservations. Fang knows that all Lightning wants to do is search for Hope and Snow. And Lightning will freely admit that if she goes on a 'camp site' hunt, she might deviate from her task in favor of finding her missing companions. All these delays are setting Lightning's teeth on edge. She decides to take the choice away from Fang, make the decision herself.
"I'll take care of Vanille and Sazh," Lightning promises. She means it. She may not be as reliable these days as she used to be, but she'd never shirk her duties. "The faster you go, the sooner we can get them settled for some rest." Lightning feels her patience siphoning away. Her whole body is tensing and twitching at the inactivity. Time is an inexorable bitch. Each moment of indecision is time wasted.
Fang spends a moment debating before agreeing. "Alright. I'm not going more than one hundred meters from here. If I don't find anything, then we'll have to just set up a perimeter here."
Lightning shrugs. "That's not the worst thing I've ever heard. We haven't had any run ins since we've been here."
Fang nods as she pulls her pack on. "Yeah, I know. But that's worrisome in and of itself. Mah'Habara is a fal'Cie cavern. The lack of regular wildlife might indicate varieties of magic enhanced creatures or even Cie'th. Nothing we really want to run into in the darkness."
"Great. More good news." Sazh mumbles before closing his eyes. "Think we'll ever catch a break?"
Lightning doesn't even think about her answer. "No," she states, keeping an eye on Fang until she disappears from sight.
Lightning peers into the darkness. Fang has only been gone a few minutes, but Lightning is counting them off like they're years spent in thumbscrews. She paces back and forth, trying to burn off some of her nervous energy. It's just making it worse. Her stomach flips at the idea of Snow and Hope alone and possibly injured squaring off against Cie'th, or hell, even a fal'Cie. It just makes her itch to get moving again. It is taking all her willpower to stay put and not go off on her own. She looks back at Sazh and Vanille, sees the exhaustion inscribed on every line of their bodies and reminds herself that they need someone to look after them. They deserve her loyalty too after all they have done for her.
This should not be this hard.
She sits down across the cavern from her friends. Sazh has his arm around Vanille's shoulders, Vanille's head is propped on Sazh's chest. They both have their eyes closed. Lightning's heart wrenches at the familiar tableau. She remembers Snow holding her as she held Hope, the three of them offering and receiving comfort in the wake of terrifying revelations. She'd been so at peace for that brief moment. It's only been a few days. It feels like a lifetime.
She misses them. There's an ache that she can't reach to rub or alleviate. She's heard soldiers speak about pain from missing limbs. Phantom pains, they'd called them. Feet that were blown off by mines or hands that required amputation after injury still hurting long after they've been lost. She thinks she might understand a shadow of that pain now. There's nothing to tend or soothe, but it hurts all the same. She shifts and grunts, aggravated at herself for letting her mind wander back to Snow and Hope. She needs to think about something else or she'll go mad.
Alright. Let's get real here. Madder. She passed mad about two weeks back.
She looks back at her companions, wishing one of them was awake to distract her. Vanille is sleeping, but Sazh is only dozing. She can't bring herself to rouse him from his light doze despite her desperation. She doubts that he's really slept since the Purge. Sazh has lost too much to find any sort of real peace. Lightning is ashamed at her own petulance. She's so enveloped in her own need that she's once again forgotten that everyone has lost here; lost far too much since this all started. And they all care about Snow and Hope. They are all 'family' now and she's sure that they want to find the missing members of their group, if not as much as she does, then at the least more than she's crediting them.
Lightning shakes her head and stretches her legs in front of her, determined to calm herself down. She needs to get some control and focus back. She's feels strung out and pulled too tight, like one more bit of pressure will cause a rupture. And an ugly one at that. She puts her head back against the wall behind her, crosses her ankles, and stares at a crack in the ceiling.
She flashes back to the cave in and the terrifying certainty of death. The horrifying weight of dirt and rock pouring down and burying her. Burying everything.
She closes her eyes against the memory of falling rocks and hears...something. Her eyes snap open. She's on her feet, weapon drawn in a heartbeat. She freezes and listens.
"What's up, Soldier?"
"Ssh." She hisses. She peers into the darkness, hoping to spot the source of the sound. Sazh perks up, looking for whatever has Lightning on edge.
"You hear somethin'?"
"SSH. Quiet!" She hears it again. A voice in the darkness. "Did you hear that?" She looks at Sazh expectantly.
"Hear what?"
"The voice." She looks at Sazh for confirmation. He looks confused. She can't contain the disgust, lets an "uck," slip out before pressing her ear to the wall. Sound travels faster through solid objects than through the air. She learned that trick as a kid playing on train tracks. If the voice is something other than her own wishful thinking, she figures she'll hear it through the cave walls. "It sounds like..."
{HELP ME!}
Hope!
"Hope!" She whispers. "HOPE!" She yells. Listens for an answer. She knows his voice as sure as she knows her own. She looks back at Sazh. He has a strange expression on his face. It looks like pity. "It's Hope. He's yelling for help!" Sazh looks away from her. She gets a cold, churning pit in her stomach. "You don't believe me?" He won't look at her. "Come here and listen!" She presses her ear to the wall again, willing Hope to speak again.
"Look, Soldier..." She goes cold to her toes.
"No! This isn't my imagination, Sazh."
"Look, I'm sure that you heard something." And with those words, it's all clear to her.
"You think they're dead, don't you?"
"No!" He denies. He sighs. "Yes. And you do too." She shakes her head. "Don't give me that! Why do you think you're hearing them in the walls?"
I don't. Lightning suddenly feels like she's on fire. Her face burns and her head throbs with rage. "Or maybe I'm actually hearing him." She doesn't believe that they are gone. "Why can't that be? Why do you think they have to be dead?" Does she? "We survived."
"Yeah." Sazh agrees. "Barely."
"There's no such thing as almost when it comes to surviving. You either do or you don't. And we did." She feels like a fool. Were they just appeasing her all along? Sazh telling her that they'd find Snow and Hope is obviously crap. Did Fang deceive her too? Her body shakes at the idea, and she gets a bright, sharp pain in her head, presses the heel of her hand into her eye as a counterpoint.
"Alright look..."
"Don't," Lightning snaps, tastes the blood before she even notices it's pouring from her nose. Dizziness crashes over her like a wave. Sazh is on his feet, hands at her elbows. She wants to shove him away (hit him!) but sense asserts itself. Sazh is not her enemy and right now, he's probably all that's holding her up.
"I'm so sorry, Soldier." Sazh whispers to her. The words are impossible to hear. She can't take the genuine remorse in his voice. He believes they're gone. It shouldn't matter to her except...she trusts Sazh. Trusts his assessments of situations. Trusts him to offer sanity in the maelstrom of lunacy around and within. Trusts him to offer the logic that eludes her these days. Her own mind is so fuzzy, so jumbled by her pain and exhaustion. So now she can't help but wonder: is she deluding herself? Has she really slipped into hallucinatory madness? She hangs her head, watches blood drip onto the floor at her feet until the tears welling up blur her vision. She sniffs once, hard, wonders if she really is losing the final shreds of her sanity. Wonders if she really cares anymore.
"What the hell is going on here?" Fang snaps, announcing her return. "I'm gone, what, ten minutes?" Lightning hears the footsteps approach, sees the toes of Fang's shoes before fingers slip under her chin and press up. She keeps her eyes averted. She can't look Fang in the eye right now. "You alright then?"
She shakes her head in answer. She doesn't know what she is anymore, but she's positive that it's nothing close to 'alright.' She shakes free of Sazh's hold, steps away, presses herself back to the wall. The rock is cool against her heated face, offering some relief from the misery. She needs privacy. She needs an hour to fall apart without spectators. She needs to figure out how she's going to keep going when she's lost...everything. Again.
"What happened?" Fang asks. Lightning doesn't answer. She has no idea how to answer. She's losing her mind bit by bit. Half of her can't wait until its gone so she won't know it's happening anymore.
"She thought she heard Hope through the wall," Sazh whispers. Lightning shuts her eyes, presses her forehead to the wall.
"Well, that's good then, right?" Fang sounds confused. Sazh heaves a sigh. "What does that mean? What'd you say?"
"The truth. "
"What'd you do?" Fang sounds irate.
"It needed to be done," Sazh declares. "It's not doing her any good. I should know. Denial only hurts more." Lightning knows Sazh speaks from hard experience. His hope to see his son again left him with a heartbreaking armload of crystal instead of a living Dajh. He hopes to spare her a similar loss. She should appreciate his consideration.
She really doesn't. At all.
"We talked about this," Fang whispers. "We decided."
"Enough," Lightning whispers. She can't listen to this talk. She is tired of following, of having no control over her own fate. She's been weak, ceding control to others. She has allowed her exhaustion and pain to dictate her actions and run her life. That's over now. Everything she cares about now-her family-is on the line here. If her friends feel they need to walk a different path, so be it. She needs to know the truth, whatever that may be. She will not give up just because it's easy; because it might spare her. She's never been a coward. She refuses to become one now. She turns and faces them. "Whatever you two have decided...good for you. I'm still looking. If you're not with me, then stay out of my way."
Speaking the words lifts a weight. Now that she's decided on a course of action, she's got to move. Should she go forward or backward? She spends less than a second debating a path. She knows there is no point in retracing their steps. Fang is right about the instability of the cave behind her. She can't dig through the fallen rocks without risking killing herself, or worse, killing Snow and Hope. She needs to move forward. She grabs a torch from the sconce just ahead, checks the pitch before lighting it off their torch.
"Alright, wait a minute," Fang stammers. Lightning ignores her. She's not interested in what these people have to say anymore. She will not try to deter them from their chosen path just as she will not be deterred from hers. She takes two steps and Fang steps into her path. "Would you just wait?"
Lightning narrows her eyes. She feels that growing evil inside her spark a desire for violence. It would be so easy to hit right now. To lash out with fists and feet and just hurt someone as badly as she hurts. The voice of rationality holds her fast. She clenches her fist around the torch, steps back and says, "What?"
"I told you I'd go with you."
"Do you think they're dead already?" Lightning fires back. Fang pauses and Lightning steps around her. It's all the answer she needs.
"Hey!" Fang snaps, sticking to Lightning's heels. "I don't know, right? But I promised I'd help you look and I keep my word! Always."
"No thanks. I have enough pessimism for two already," Lightning picks up her pace. "I appreciate the sentiment, but I work better alone anyway."
Fang barks a sharp laugh. "Really? Who do you think you're kidding here?" Fang stops moving. "Whether you believe it or not, you're gonna need my help, little Miss Soldier! I've actually been in Mah'Habara before. A lot. How many times have you been here? Or in any cavern for that matter? What the hell do you know about spelunking?"
Lightning pauses and glances back over her shoulder at Fang. Sarcasm usually irritates her, but she can see the frustration radiating off the other woman. As much as she wants to ignore Fang, Lightning has to admit that she has a valid point. She doesn't know anything about caves in general, or about this cave in particular. She could probably wander this cavern until the end of her natural life without finding Snow and Hope.
Good thing that's another week at this point. Tops.
"So, is that a yes then?" Fang sounds relieved. Lightning feels guilty for heaping more stress on top of an already overwrought group of people. "You'll wait and let me help you?"
Wait. Her heart sinks. Again with the waiting.
"I'm done with waiting." The truth is she can't relax. She won't find any peace at all. "If Snow or Hope or both are injured, then time is our enemy. I need to get moving. If you can't, I understand."
"You know what?" Fang steps forward and grabs Lightning's right arm. Every muscle in Lightning's body tenses in anticipation of a good, hard fight. She wants so badly to just HIT something. Or someone. She restrains herself and refrains from lashing out. Barely. "Do you see this?" Fang points to a strange discoloration on Lightning's arm. Right where her latest injury had been. "What do you think that is?"
Lightning's muscles uncoil and her mind goes blank. She stares at the discoloration she'd thought was bruising. Or dirt. Or scarring. In the direct torchlight, she can see that it's none of the above. The skin isn't bluish purple or yellowish green. It's not any color of the bruising spectrum she's ever seen. It's not the gradated blacks and browns of ground in dirt. It's not the browns of new scars, or even the silvers and whites of old ones.
It's uniform, flat gray.
"Or your leg?" Fang says. She doesn't want to look, but she's no coward. Her stomach flutters and sours. She tastes bile in the back of her throat. Lightning looks at her newly healed leg, sees the same odd gray coloring creeping up her left thigh. "What's that?" Fang asks, sarcasm dripping from every syllable. I don't know. "Any ideas?"
No clue. There's a ball of lead in her stomach, and a suspicion growing in her mind. She wants to run. She can't escape this enemy.
"Wanna guess?" Fang amps up her sarcasm, but dials down the tone. Keeping all horrible secrets between the Lightning, Fang and the walls, it seems.
Not really. She may throw up. She's not sure. Fang should get clear of the splash zone, just in case.
"Well I'll tell you then." Fang snaps. She sounds as sick as Lightning feels. "It's starting. Right? You understand what I'm saying to you?" Lightning trembles. Fights to stay still. She needs to be strong now. "All that magical nonsense you pulled today. I've never seen anything like that before. That wasn't normal! Not even for magic, which is always changing. I've touched Vanille's brand before. That never happened. So that? That was all you, my friend. You almost killed yourself with that little stunt. You've become a like a lightning rod for magic. Your powers are growing into something I've never seen before. And as a consequence..."
"I'm changing." She expects the words to shatter her. They don't. Saying it doesn't make it worse, despite her fears. In fact, they're almost a relief. No more hiding. No more running. The enemy has breached the gates. She feels calm flood through her, wash over her. Now that it's happening, there's nothing left to fear. She'll deal with this the way she's dealt with every other obstacle in her life. She'll deal with it by hurtling or demolishing it. Or maybe she'll break herself apart upon it. Whatever works.
"Yeah," Fang agrees. "So you need to stop this now, okay?" Lightning's shaking her head. "What does that mean? No? You're not going to stop?"
"No. There's no point anymore."
"Are you completely suicidal? Have you really gone completely round the bend?" Fang snaps. Her frustration could fill the entirety of Cocoon. She's incandescent with ire.
"No," Lightning answers. "Well, maybe," she reconsiders. " But that's not why. I just have nothing left to lose. Except for them. And now more than ever, I need to move." There are no more doubts left. There's no time for almost. She is a monster. Right now. It isn't some distant possibility. Some abstract. It's an absolute. Her present and future. "I don't have time to waste sitting around here resting or sleeping. I don't know how much time I have left, but I'm going to use every second of it to find Snow and Hope." Dead or alive.
"And I told you I'd help you do that," Fang declares. "I keep my promises. But I've made other promises too."
"I know." Lightning doesn't expect Fang to waste her time following a monster around in the dark to search for the dead. It's a ridiculous notion. She still has a chance. She and Vanille and Sazh all have a chance to come through this nightmare. To survive. And that's what Lightning wants them to do. She wants them to survive this mess. And hopefully beat that bastard Barthandelus and all his brethren for their sick, twisted games. Lightning allows herself one moment of anger and disappointment that she'll never have that satisfaction. She lets it go. "You have to take care of Sazh and Vanille."
"Yeah, I do! But I made a promise to the Hero," Fang snaps. It's a gut punch that steals Lightning's breath. It's something she's never considered. "I promised him I'd keep you safe and alive if he wasn't around to do it," Fang whispers. "And I keep my word. Always."
"You also promised me..." She's not ready yet, but soon she will be. She needs to know if Snow and Hope are gone. If they're not, she needs to save them. If they are, she needs to know. She needs to bury them and mourn them. Then she'll be ready.
"I did. And I'll keep that one too if I have to. But the one I made to the Hero is more important right now. You're not the only one who feels like she's failed." Fang chokes up. Lightning blinks the sting from her eyes. If she starts crying now, she might just drown in her misery. "So, I need you to give me one hour to set Sazh and Vanille up. Then we'll go. Deal? That's fair, right?"
One hour. It's not unreasonable. So why does it feel like such a hardship?
Because you're a selfish bitch.
Shame burns her cheeks. Fang has been a loyal and steadfast friend. She's grieving too. She's lost as much as Lightning, if not more. She's lost a home, whatever family might have been here, her memories, her purpose. She's given all of herself over to her new friends, and all she's asked for in return is an hour. Like Serah only asking for understanding. How can Lightning consider making the same mistake again, now with this new sister in arms?
No matter the temptation.
"Alright. Of course, it's fair."
Fang smiles. "Right then." She claps Lightning on the shoulder and heads toward their waiting companions.
Lightning wonders if she's made a mistake.
Chapter 17...