Everybody's changing
Do I even know theses people anymore? They wear the faces of my friends, but they don’t act like them. My friends would never hurt me the way these people have. The real Beka would have jumped to my defence straight away not watched while I was beaten.
My real friends would thank me for cooking for them not moan about the taste, hay I’m doing the best I can with what I got. I would have thought too that my real friends would notice too that I rarely ask for payment even though food, and water is scarce here.
I would have liked to have thought my real friends would have recognised I’m hurting. But they don’t, or maybe they do and they just don’t care. ‘My friends’ I guess I’ll have to stop calling them that now. It only hurts anyway. I don’t need a reminder of what I’ve lost; they don’t care about me anymore none of them do.
Trance doesn’t care, Dylan doesn’t care, Rhade doesn’t care, Beka doesn’t care. Beka doesn’t care. Some how that hurts the most, I never thought I’d lose her. Well I never thought I lose any of them, but especially not her. Beka was my rock I thought she’d always be there, but now I’m alone, more alone than I’ve ever been. Beka doesn’t care.
The rest of the words were unreadable smudged by drops of clear liquid that could well have been tears. She could feel them welling in her own eyes. Was this what he really believed? Her stomach sunk at the thought.
When she had picked up the small handwritten book she had known what it was, had known she shouldn’t read it, yet that’s exactly what she did. She wasn’t sure now if she regretted it or not; on the one hand if she had not she might never have realised how he felt, but on the other hand she realised with shock, it had proved him right, that she wasn’t a real friend anymore. A real friend she was sure would have put down the diary when they knew what it was, but she had carried on regardless, and flicked though the pages with no concern as to his feelings.
He was right she really didn’t care. But she did, didn’t she? Conflict raged in her head. Of course she cared; he was her oldest, and truest friend. Why then had she treated him this way? She didn’t know, well that wasn’t exactly true she realised with some surprise she just hadn’t, thought. ‘She hadn’t thought’, the phase echoed round in her head, she hadn’t thought as she’d watched him beaten, she hadn’t thought as she made all the snide comments she had, and she hadn’t thought of him as he slaved over a meal for her, no she’d only thought of her self, Beka Valentine.
Did this mean she didn’t care? The emotions were over whelming her, and the tears brimming in her eyes suggested otherwise, but the evidence was there. She had acted with no thought or regard for him. Why? How had this happened to her? When had it happened? How long had it been going on, was it just on Seefra or was it even before then?
She tried her best to think back it was only since she found herself in this godforsaken place she was sure. For what seamed like the longest time she’d had only herself to care about, during that time had she somehow forgotten how to care about others? She’d been so alone, and they were no where to be seen either dead or they’d just left her. She’d cried till she couldn’t anymore long ago on the Maru, and she’d learnt to live without them again, as she once had. Now they were back though it seamed she couldn’t learn to live with them again.
She thought hard about this, they weren’t the same since Seefra none of them were. They had all changed drifted apart, she had thought that they didn’t care either, but it seams she was wrong at least Harper still did. Harper, of all of them she thought, had remained closest to who he was, though he had been here alone for so much longer than her, than any of them. Of all of them he had perhaps suffered the most; yet if he had retained some of himself though all this then why couldn’t she.
The answer dawned unexpectedly on her slamming into her like a ship. She’d stopped caring because she couldn’t anymore. It had hurt too much so she’d stopped, and now they were back she couldn’t let them in again for fear of experiencing that pain once more.
The floodgates were opened now though it seamed, and her emotions were cascading inside her. By reading the diary, and experiencing his pain she had opened herself to her own, perhaps now she could move on.
She did care. Her friend was hurting, and she was going to do everything in her power to stop it starting now. Beka walked into the bar looking for Harper, finding him she went straight to him, and threw her arms around him. He looked shocked a first, but returned the embrace. “Beka not that I don’t appreciate it, and all, but why?” Harper asked trying to play light of it even though he betrayed himself by clinging tightly to her as if for dear life itself.
“Because I care” she said simply, and at that sobs bust from her friend as he dissolved into tears on her shoulder, his continued grip on her unrelenting. “That’s it” She said soothingly rubbing his back “let it all out” Harper couldn’t help, but do just that, now he had started he seamed unable to stop.
Beka just held her friend, and soon she found her tears mingling with his own. “I’ve missed this so much” Harper finally admitted quietly, and Beka coincided that she did too. Relief washed over Beka, they were going to be ok. It may take a while, but things would get back on track.
Finally the pair seamed to realise the attention they were attracting from the rest of the bar, and indeed the intrigued stares of their own shipmates. At length the pair broke apart “tonight drinks are on me” Beka declared as she rejoined her friends at the table giving each one in succession a brief hug.
A small smile spread across Dylan’s lips could his be it, was his crew finally coming back together? He wondered. Trance’s grin looked like it could power the Andromeda, and Rhade, well Rhade just seamed grateful for another drink, though those that had closely observed much like Doyle, would have noticed a definite change in his demeanour. And Doyle, well she just looked on intrigued, truth be told she didn’t really know what was going on, but clearly it was important, and this was the happiest she could ever recall seeing Harper, so she too allowed a small smile to cross her face.