One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila...Oh Damn (Jensen/Jared) NC-17
Title: One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila…Oh Damn
Author:
fricky_fiction -Mandy
Rating: NC-17
Fandom: CWRPS
Pairing: Jensen/Jared
Summary: Wherein tequila makes Jared really horny and Jensen gay.
Warnings: Not much. This is kind of a first-time fic with a lot of humor, tequila, dry humping, and quite possibly a hand-job or two.
Word Count: 4627
Disclaimer: This is pure fiction, Jensen and Jared are not really lovers and they‘re not having lots of phenomenally hot buttsex. Damn.
Feedback: You know how much Jared loves candy and Jenny? Well, that’s how much I love getting feedback :D
Betas: The uber wonderful
dare_to_dream06 for being my Suuuuperbeta and for our shared love of drunk!boys ♥ ♥
“M’horny… real’ hor-nay.” Jensen quirks an eyebrow, smirking at the slurred speech coming from his co-star. When Jared drinks he gets really southern, all Texas drawl and lazy cadence.
“Sounds like a personal problem to me, man.” Jensen raises the shot glass in his hand, tossing back the light amber liquid and wincing as it burns it’s way down his throat. He’s glad Jared didn’t buy that pansy ass, Hollywood shit. They’re Texas boys and Texas boys like their tequila with a little bite to it, and there ain’t nothing’ better than a little Jose Cuervo to take the edge off. Screw Patron, if he wanted a smooth drink he’d sip a cosmo like a damn chick.
“Takeyluh always makes m’horny.” Jared rolls his head to the side, his movements slowed by the amount of liquor they have both consumed, and he juts out his lower lip pouting at Jensen.
“If you wanna go play the knuckle-shuffle in the bathroom, I promise I won’t tease you about it later…too much.” Jensen laughs as Jared takes a moment to actually consider it. He pats Jared on the shoulder, handing him the bottle of tequila, after he takes a drink straight from it.
“I dunno, man, M’soo fuckin’ thrown. My coordi…coordi…” Jared grunts, words slipping and catching, his mouth obviously having trouble forming the word.
“Your coordination?” Jensen offers slowly, like he’s explaining it to a child. And really, he kind of is. Drunk Jared is about as articulate as a five year old.
Jared snaps his fingers and smiles, a big, goofy drunken smile, “ Yeah that- it sucks even when m’sober. So m’thinkin’, I may be too drunk to do m’self.” He giggles at his mistake like a kid telling a dirty joke. “Too drunk to do that m’self, I mean. I might twist when m’supposed to pull or sumthin’… n’then it’d mess ‘erything up and I wouldn’t get to come… an’ that’d suck.” His eyes are earnest, and Jensen can tell he believes everything he’s saying to be true. Suddenly, Jensen thinks he knows way too fucking much about Jared right now. He needs more tequila for this, a lot more tequila and maybe some Whiskey, too.
“Jesus Jared…over share.” Jensen replies, his eyes scanning the couch for the bottle of tequila he knows used to be there. But it’s not. It’s in between Jared’s legs and Jensen has a decision to make. Reach for the tequila or don‘t reach for the tequila, that’s the mother fuckin’ question right there. He wants that tequila, he needs that tequila.
Fuck it. He decides he’s going to risk it. Tequila- good, sobriety- bad.
As he reaches for the bottle his knuckles happen to graze against Jared’s crotch and he freezes. Jared wasn’t kidding about the being horny thing, he’s definitely hard and Jensen doesn’t know what the fuck to do with that information.
“Daaayum…”Jared moans, his hips arching slightly. It’s enough to break the spell and Jensen jerks his hand back, chuckling nervously to hide the tremor that goes through him. He is not turned on by Jared. He’s not. Maybe tequila makes him horny too?
“Sorry…drink, uh need a.” Okay so maybe that was a little backwards, but he’s pretty sure Jared got the gist of it.
“You touched my dick…”
Maybe not.
“Easy, tiger. I was going for the tequila, not your dick.” Jensen quirks an eyebrow as Jared gives him a confused look.
“But…my dick. Ya totally touched my dick. And m’horny, didn’t I tell you I’s horny? I did, and you knew it…and you touched my dick anyway.” Jared’s frowning at him now and Jensen can’t decide if he wants to throw his head back and laugh or if he wants to strangle the life right out of Jared.
“Jare, I’m going to say this slowly for you, okay? I. Didn’t. Mean. To. Touch. Your. Dick! I was trying to get the tequila. I was not trying to grope you!” Jensen takes a long pull from the bottle, after all if he’s got to put up with an incoherent Jared he’s going to need to be a lot more drunk than he already is.
“Hey…ya could, ya know? I wouldn’t mind it if ya wanted to grope me. M’horny and groping s’awesome when you’re horny. Well, s’always awesome, but when you’re horny s’even more awesome. Ain‘t that right, Jen?” Jared’s smiling now, all excited like he’s five years-old and just found out that he’s getting a puppy for Christmas.
Jensen kind of wants to scream or break something. But not the tequila bottle, it’s his only friend right now. Jared is no longer his friend, he fucking lost the right to be his friend when he started talking nonsense, and humm, Jensen thinks he just might be more drunk than he thought.
“Jared, m’not gonna grope you. Hump the couch if you’re that hard- up, man!” Jensen laughs, ‘cause that has got to be the funniest fucking mental picture ever. Jared humping away at the arm of the couch, maybe even trying to talk dirty to it…Oh God. Jensen’s holding his stomach, laughing so hard he has tears in his eyes. He’s not making much sound now, laughter chocked off in sobs and snorts.
“I could hump you…” Jensen stops cold, laughter dying in throat as his head snaps up and he locks eyes with Jared. He’s serious, he’s really serious.
And what do you know, his dick is not at all unhappy about that idea. Jensen looks at the bottle of tequila and tosses it to the floor as if it’s burning him. Evil fucking drink from hell. It made Jared horny and now it’s doing the same to him! It’s a conspiracy, he figures. Tequila takes straight men and turns them gay, makes them want to dry hump their male co-stars.
‘Cause Jensen so would not be hard under normal circumstances. If he wasn’t three sheets to the fucking wind, his cock would not be getting hard over the thought of Jared getting him off.
“Jared, you’re not humping me.” His voice is firm and he’s praying that Jared will just let it drop. But with the way his night’s been going, Jensen’s pretty sure he’s not going to get off that easy.
“Why not? You’re not horny?” Jared cocks his head to the side and it sort of reminds Jensen of a confused puppy. Jared says it like that’s the only issue, like the only reason Jensen would not want Jared to hump him is because he wasn’t horny. He runs his hand over his face, trying to clear the alcohol-induced cobwebs, he’s either too drunk for this or not drunk enough. But since the tequila is an evil drink that causes him to be gay, he’s not taking the chance of drinking any more of it.
“Not the point. The point is I’m not gay, you’re not gay, and you’re not humping me!” Jensen can not believe that he actually had to say the words “you’re not humping me” to Jared…twice. If this wasn’t so fucked up it would probably be hilarious.
“Dude, you don’t know that. I could be gay and you jus’ never realized it!” Jared’s obviously not convinced by Jensen’s logic and what the fuck, Jared is not gay. He totally would have realized it.
He tells Jared just that but Jared’s not having it. He’s got his hand on Jensen’s shoulder now and he’s gripping it pretty damn tight, leaning into Jensen’s face, “Maybe I’m just gay for you, ever thought of that?” Jensen sputters and Jared just looks at him, all smug and pretty damn proud of himself.
“So let me get this straight, you’re horny, you want me to believe you’re only gay for me, and you think I should let you hump me because you’re not coordinated enough to jerk yourself off when drunk?” Jensen thinks his eyebrow might be permanently stuck in arch mode tonight.
“Ya got it…so can we get to the humping now?” Jared’s got his hopeful face on, all wide-eyes and bright smile beaming back at Jensen, and Jesus fuck is he ever screwed. A hopeful Jared is not easily dismissed.
“No! God, Jared, I can not believe I actually have to tell you more than once that you are not humping me!” Jensen throws his head back against the couch, squeezing his eyes shut to try and just think for a minute. He’s got to find a way to get it through to Jared that they were not going to be doing anything that involved bodily fluids…ever. He should probably break the news to his own dick while he’s at it, because no matter what Jensen’s brain thought of the mutual humping, his cock thought it was a splendid idea.
“But Jeeeen!” Jared whined, flopping his head unceremoniously into Jensen’s lap. His hand rested on Jensen’s thigh, his fingers tracing unknown patterns against the denim. “Do you not care that m’getting a wicked case of blue-balls righ’ now?” Jared blinks rapidly, eyes sad as he stares up at Jensen.
Good God but the kid know how to work those puppy eyes. Didn’t mean Jensen was thinking about letting him just do it and get it over with though, not at all.
“Jared, I feel for you. I do. But that doesn’t mean I’m willing to let you dry hump me or something.” Jensen doesn’t realize until he’s through talking that his hand is moving through Jared’s hair, his fingers sliding in and out of the strands, and…huh, Jared’s hair is really soft. Almost like a girls.
“Mutual masturbation?” Jensen honest to God nearly bites his own tongue. What the fuck??
“JARED! God…no, just-no.” He’s tempted to shove the little whining bastard right off his lap, but it’s kind of soothing running his fingers through Jared’s hair like this. Great, obviously the tequila has already worked it’s gay magic on him because he’s starting to sound just like a fucking girl. Anyone got a tampon? He might need it soon at this rate.
“Fine…won’t even help a friend in need, shows what kind of best buddy you are.” Jared shifts, snuggling his head deeper into Jensen’s lap, and then he suddenly goes very still.
Jensen can feel the panic rise in him. Oh please God do not let him have felt it. He swears on everything holy, but evidently God has no mercy on men driven to gayness by tequila.
“Hey! You’re hard…ya said you weren’t horny. You lied to me!” Jensen kind of wants to cry now, in frustration or pure insanity, he’s not sure which.
“I never said that…JARED! Stop poking my crotch!” Jensen yelps, just like the girl he is. Jared’s eyeing his crotch, eyes narrow, tongue between his teeth as he pokes all along the ridge of Jensen’s cock.
“You made me think you weren’t horny and I’ve been sitting over here thinking it was just me the whole time. But NO, you’re hard, you fucker.” Jared sits up on his knees, glaring right at Jensen. He’s mad, he’s actually mad that Jensen has a hard on and didn’t tell him. When did he slip into the seventh circle of hell?
“So I’ve got wood, still doesn’t mean we should jerk each other off!” It’s a fucking valid point and Jensen knows it. He just can’t seem to get it through to his dick, it brings a hole new meaning to the phrase “hard headed”.
Jared just shakes his head, giving Jensen one hard shove against the chest. The combination of surprise and alcohol makes Jensen lose his balance and he falls backwards on to the couch. He catches the smirk on Jared’s face about two seconds too late to do anything to stop him.
Jensen grunts, his breath leaving him as he’s suddenly got a lap full of Padalecki. Really fucking heavy Padalecki. “Dude, get off!”
“That’s the general idea…” Jared grins, thrusting his hips down hard against Jensen, his eyes snapping closed and mouth falling open on a deep moan. Jensen bites his lips, trying not to react. Cause, fuckin hell, it feels amazing. He’s never drinking tequila again, his gayness is all over the place now.
“ Jar..ed, stop-p…oh fuck…don’t do that!” Jensen’s struggling not to just thrust back against Jared and it’s way fucking harder than it should be. He shouldn’t want to do it, but God help him he really, really does.
“What? This…?” Jared does it again, rolls his hips down against Jensen’s, thrusting up as he completes the roll. And Jensen is seeing stars behind his closed eyes.
“Yes THAT! Oh God…we can’t do this. We can’t…Oh Goddamn!” Jensen pants, his body automatically lifting into the thrust of Jared’s hips. Wait…he wasn’t…they couldn’t. Oh fuuuuck.
“Looks like we’re doing it just fine to me…Jesus, Jensen…here, lift.” Jared grabs at Jensen’s leg and tugs, pulling it up and over his hip. He does that thing with his hips again and Jensen keens. Oh mother fuck, but it feels good.
“Gotta stop…can’t do this. Not supposed to do this…shit! Oh fuck me…little more to the left- FUCK!” Jensen arches, his back coming completely off the couch as Jared leans in, pressing his open mouth against the column of his throat, sucking hard and flicking his tongue out to taste Jensen’s skin.
“Jensen…fuck…I can’t decide if you feel better or taste better. Mmmm…” Jared’s panting against his throat, high-pitched whimpers slipping from his open mouth as he continues thrusting and sucking and licking…and Oh God Jensen has never needed to come this bad in his entire life.
“Jared…Jesus, what are you doin’ to me?” Jensen’s whole body is tingling, nerve endings on overdrive as Jared continues to rock into him, his hand clutching tighter now to Jensen’s thigh as he holds it against him.
“Making you come. Shit! Jensen, feels s’good.” The words are mumbled against Jensen’s neck and fuck this. If they were going to do this they were going to do it right.
“Look at me…hey…Jared, God, just look at me please!” Jensen’s begging and he’s not sure when all of this became okay in his mind. But he can’t be bothered to think about it now, not when Jared’s thrusting in a punishing rhythm against him.
Jared lifts his head slowly, as if it takes effort to do that simple task, and Jensen moans, his voice broken and scratchy. Jared’s eyes have darkened, lust pooling in the hazel depths, and it’s got to be one of the sexiest fucking things Jensen has ever seen in his life.
He reaches out, grabbing a hold of the back of Jared’s neck, using the leverage to lift himself up, hips rolling sensually against Jared’s. The growl that comes from Jared is almost enough to make him come in his pants right then and there. Jensen’s not so sure he can blame all of this on the tequila anymore. It feels too good, too right.
“You still against that whole mutual masturbation thing?” Jared’s smiling down wickedly at him and Jensen can feel his whole body flush at his words. It sounds like a fan-fucking-tastic idea right about now. But before he can get the words out, Jared’s hand slips between them, popping the buttons on his jeans, and pushing back the denim roughly. Jensen moans loudly as Jared’s fingers brush over the hair that leads down into his pants, happy trail indeed.
“Gotta tell me how you like it, Jen. Do you like it rough or do you like to tease yourself, draw it out for as long as you can?” When in the hell did Jared learn how to talk like that? His voice sultry, words practically dripping sex as they fell from his lips.
“St..start out slow and then…OH FUCK! Yeah, l-like that…Jesus Jared.” Jensen head spins, pleasure coursing through his veins as Jared strokes him from base to tip slowly, then faster, then back to slow again. It’s not until he tastes copper than he even knows he’s bitten into his lip, Jared watches him closely as he swipes out his tongue to remove the taste.
“Wanna return the favor, Jensen?” Jared’s voice sounds strained, but there’s a smile on his lips that lets Jensen know he’s only teasing.
“Right, sorry…this better?” Jensen tugs against the buttons on Jared’s pants and the popping sounds they make when they come free rings in his ears. Everything’s too loud, his senses hyped up too much. He doesn’t bother with being shy, just reaches in, his hand closing over Jared’s cock, and strokes up quick and hard.
“Oh FUCK! Just like that Jensen…fuck yeah.” Jared’s eyes roll back in his head as Jensen adds a twist on the upstroke, thumb flickering under the head. He’d had a feeling that Jared would be more into the rough stuff and by the way he was thrusting himself into Jensen’s hand, he was right.
It was hard as hell to try and concentrate, to try and keep up the hard and face past of his hand on Jared’s cock, when all he wanted to do was lie back and give into the sensations sweeping over him. If he’d known Jared was this good at hand-jobs he might not have protested so much before.
“Oh God, Jensen…can I…I mean I want to…fuck it.” Jared’s mouth claims his before he can even process the words and Jensen moans eagerly. He’d been wanting that too, but didn’t know how to ask or even if he should.
And fuck him cross-eyed, it seemed Jared could do wicked things with his tongue too. Never in his life had Jensen been kissed like this, never had someone completely ravage his mouth like they were dying for the taste of him. Jared’s tongue curled over Jensen’s, rolling around the tip, stroking along the sides, while his mouth pressed hard and urgent against Jensen’s.
Then Jared pulled back slightly, coaching Jensen’s tongue out of his own mouth. Jared moved his mouth away until only their tongues still touched, tangled between them. Jensen surged forward, licking his way into Jared’s mouth and finding every corner, teasing the underside of Jared’s tongue and making him moan loudly.
“Jensen…Goddamn…I think I could come just from kissing you.” Jensen shivers as Jared pants against his mouth, hand stroking Jensen’s cock faster now. It’s then that Jensen notices that his own hand has stilled and that Jared wasn’t reacting to anything but their kiss.
That was fucking sexy as hell and Jensen was almost tempted to see if he could do it, make Jared come just by kissing him. Maybe later.
“No need…” Jensen rolls Jared’s balls in his hand, feeling the heavy weight of them in his palm before he moves his hand up and once again starts stroking Jared’s cock hard and fast. Jared whimpers, his mouth making soundless words against Jensen’s lips, “…yeah, I think I like this better.”
“Me…me too.” Jared stutters, his breath hitching as Jensen starts twisting his wrist more frequently, trying his best to pull the orgasm from him. Jensen knows he’s close, feels the slickness of precome on his hands as he strokes Jared off.
He’s so caught up in watching Jared lose control that he jerks when Jared’s thumb brushes under the head of his cock, waves of pleasure crashing down his spine. “Damn Jared…fuck that feels good.” He’s sweating now, can feel it dripping down his neck and chest as he tenses to try and hold his orgasm back. But he can feel it, just under his skin, just out of reach.
Jared’s mouth crashes into his again, pressure almost painful as he grunts and growls against their joined lips, the sound animalistic. Jensen rakes his hand up Jared’s neck, tugs hard at the hair at the nape and Jared whines low and deep in his throat. So, he likes it rough everywhere, huh? Jensen can deal with that.
He tugs harder, pulling Jared’s head back and breaking their kiss. Jensen licks his own mouth before flicking his tongue out to trace along Jared’s bottom lip, feeling more than hearing the moan Jared makes. “You like it like this, Jared? Like the edge of pain that makes the pleasure better?” He watches as Jared’s eyes roll back in his head and he knows he has his answer.
He flicks his wrist and pulls hard on Jared’s cock, smiling when Jared snaps his hips hard in return. “Gonna come, Jared? You better not forget about me while you’re at, you better make me come too.” He growls the words against Jared’s ear, biting down sharply on the lobe.
“Don’t worry…I will.” Then suddenly Jared’s finger is at his mouth and Jensen doesn’t think twice about sucking it in, rolling his tongue over the long, slender digit. Jared moans, shaking his head and looking like he needs to remember to breathe. Jensen smiles smugly around his finger, then pulls back and lets it slide out with a wet pop.
“I knew you’d be a tease…” Jared mumbles as he lifts Jensen’s leg higher with one hand, and slides his wet finger behind Jensen’s balls. He knew where this was going, but Jensen stiffens anyway. But Jared’s not letting him pull away, instead he closes his mouth against Jensen’s, kissing him deep and hard. Distracted, Jensen relaxes, almost doesn’t feel the slip-slide of Jared’s finger pressing into him. Almost.
“Jared?” It’s a question he’s not sure how to ask. How far is Jared going to take this?
“Just relax, trust me…you’re going to like it.” Jared smiles, like he’s got a secret and Jensen nods, willing his body to relax.
It’s odd, the feeling of something pushing into him, stroking him from the inside. It’s not bad, just different. But when Jared lets go of his leg and puts his hand back on his cock, Jensen arches, moans tumbling from his mouth. He could work with this.
“Gotta find…there.” Jared flexes the finger inside him and Jensen exhales sharply, pleasure slamming into him hard. Jensen totally gets the appeal of butt-sex now.
“Oh fuckin’ fuck…FUCK!” Yeah, that was coherent, but Jensen doesn’t care. Doesn’t care about anything as long as Jared keeps stroking over that spot inside him.
“Told you…feels so good it almost hurts, doesn’t it?” Jensen nods rapidly, whimpering beneath Jared’s hands. He can’t think enough to form the words, so he just lets his body talk for him. Lets the canting of his hips against Jared and the way he’s panting harshly now say everything Jared needs to know. He’s gonna come…he should probably at least try to warn Jared.
“Ja…s’good…gonna come.” Jesus, he can’t even speak, words getting twisted around inside his head, the pleasure he feels blocking out everything but the need for release.
“Do it, Jen. Come for me…now.” Jared demands, his voice whisper soft, but Jensen feels them like a punch to the gut. He’s shaking, literally shaking in Jared’s hands, his body sweating from head to toe. And all it takes is a couple more passes of Jared’s finger over his prostate and he’s coming hard into Jared’s hand.
“FUUUCK!” Jensen screams, his throat burning with the force of it. His body has coiled up, pressed tighter than before to Jared’s chest. He shudders, blinking rapidly to try and find at least the strength to focus on Jared smiling down at him. “God…I…damn.” Evidently all of his brain cells shot out of his dick, because Jensen can’t even think in complete sentences, much less speak in them.
“You’re kind of hot when you come.” Jared bites his lip, his hand still sliding slowly over Jensen’s spent cock. Oh right, he completely forgot about Jared. Where were his manners?
“Bet you look hot when you come, too. I think I want to find out.” Jensen murmurs, brushing his lips across Jared’s, just a hint of a kiss. He moves his hand back to Jared’s cock and resumes the quick and hard pace he had set before. Jared jumps, breath hitching as he arches into Jensen’s hand.
“Fuck Jen…not gonna take much.” Jared pants, forehead coming to rest against Jensen’s, eyes sliding closed with pleasure. Jensen uses his other hand to brush the bangs from Jared’s face, sliding through and tugging the dark strands. He wants to be able watch Jared’s face as he comes undone, wants to see what he looks like when he’s going to come.
“Gonna come for me, Jared? I know you’re close, I can see it on your face. Open your eyes…” Jensen tugs harder on Jared’s hair and his eyes snap open, locking and holding Jensen’s. He can tell Jared’s struggling to keep them open, trying hard not to close his eyes and just let the pleasure wash through him. But he doesn’t, he keeps them focused on Jensen’s and thrusts more urgently into Jensen’s hand.
“Jen…Jen…I’m gonna…aw shit…” Jared’s eyes rolls back briefly and Jensen takes his bottom lip between his teeth and tugs, forcing his attention back to him. He pulls so hard on Jared’s hair he’s surprised that he doesn’t come away with strands of Jared’s hair.
“Eyes. On. Me.” Jensen growls the words, voice dipping low and forceful. Jared whimpers but obeys, eyes falling back to Jensen’s as he twists harder on Jared’s cock.
“Come, right now, Jared. Come!” Jensen demands and that’s all it takes. Jared’s unraveling before his eyes, mouth slack as he moans, eyes still locked with Jensen’s.
“Fuck! Jensen!” Jared’s scream rivals his own from moments earlier and Jensen smiles with satisfaction. He strokes Jared through his orgasm, pulling every last drop from the younger man. When Jared slumps against him, he lets his hand fall, wipes it off on Jared’s shirt.
“Feel better?” Jared grunts, then smiles. He looks fucked out and if Jensen hadn’t just had the best orgasm of his life a moment ago he’d probably find it really damn hot.
“God yes!” Jared grins down at him then leans in to kiss Jensen, mouth caressing gently. Jensen smiles against Jared’s mouth, letting go of the grip he forgot he had on Jared’s hair, just strokes his fingers through it now.
“ So you know we’re going to have to talk about this.” Jensen pins Jared with a serious look and he rolls his eyes.
“Dude, can we at least wait until the post-orgasm high wears off?”
“Works for me…up.” Jensen pushes against Jared’s chest and he just sort of rolls to the side…and fucking snuggles, snuggles, Jensen from behind. Oh God.
“Jared, man, are you cuddling me?” Jensen never thought he’d ever have to ask that question. Then again he’d done a lot of things tonight that he never thought he would. Like jerk his best friend off for instance.
“You’re warm, too tired to move.” Jared yawns and Jensen’s not sure if it’s real or for effect.
“Fuckin’ girl…”
“I’m not the one who had a finger up my ass.” Jensen balks, sputtering as he tries to come up with a good come back. Except…there’s not really one he can think of.
“You started it, well you and the gay tequila.” Jared snorts and Jensen can feel his body shaking with laughter behind him.
“Jen, you can’t blame the tequila. It didn’t make you like my finger up your…” Jensen reaches back and punches Jared hard on the shoulder.
“Shut up, Jared!” Jensen huffs, wiggling back against Jared. If Jared was going to cuddle him like a damn girl he could at least get comfortable for it. He moved around a little, scouting his body into just the right spot. There, that’d work.
“Hey Jen?” Oh God, what now?
“Yeah?”
“I’m kinda getting horny again…"
Author:
fricky_fiction -Mandy
Rating: NC-17
Fandom: CWRPS
Pairing: Jensen/Jared
Summary: Wherein tequila makes Jared really horny and Jensen gay.
Warnings: Not much. This is kind of a first-time fic with a lot of humor, tequila, dry humping, and quite possibly a hand-job or two.
Word Count: 4627
Disclaimer: This is pure fiction, Jensen and Jared are not really lovers and they‘re not having lots of phenomenally hot buttsex. Damn.
Feedback: You know how much Jared loves candy and Jenny? Well, that’s how much I love getting feedback :D
Betas: The uber wonderful
dare_to_dream06 for being my Suuuuperbeta and for our shared love of drunk!boys ♥ ♥
“M’horny… real’ hor-nay.” Jensen quirks an eyebrow, smirking at the slurred speech coming from his co-star. When Jared drinks he gets really southern, all Texas drawl and lazy cadence.
“Sounds like a personal problem to me, man.” Jensen raises the shot glass in his hand, tossing back the light amber liquid and wincing as it burns it’s way down his throat. He’s glad Jared didn’t buy that pansy ass, Hollywood shit. They’re Texas boys and Texas boys like their tequila with a little bite to it, and there ain’t nothing’ better than a little Jose Cuervo to take the edge off. Screw Patron, if he wanted a smooth drink he’d sip a cosmo like a damn chick.
“Takeyluh always makes m’horny.” Jared rolls his head to the side, his movements slowed by the amount of liquor they have both consumed, and he juts out his lower lip pouting at Jensen.
“If you wanna go play the knuckle-shuffle in the bathroom, I promise I won’t tease you about it later…too much.” Jensen laughs as Jared takes a moment to actually consider it. He pats Jared on the shoulder, handing him the bottle of tequila, after he takes a drink straight from it.
“I dunno, man, M’soo fuckin’ thrown. My coordi…coordi…” Jared grunts, words slipping and catching, his mouth obviously having trouble forming the word.
“Your coordination?” Jensen offers slowly, like he’s explaining it to a child. And really, he kind of is. Drunk Jared is about as articulate as a five year old.
Jared snaps his fingers and smiles, a big, goofy drunken smile, “ Yeah that- it sucks even when m’sober. So m’thinkin’, I may be too drunk to do m’self.” He giggles at his mistake like a kid telling a dirty joke. “Too drunk to do that m’self, I mean. I might twist when m’supposed to pull or sumthin’… n’then it’d mess ‘erything up and I wouldn’t get to come… an’ that’d suck.” His eyes are earnest, and Jensen can tell he believes everything he’s saying to be true. Suddenly, Jensen thinks he knows way too fucking much about Jared right now. He needs more tequila for this, a lot more tequila and maybe some Whiskey, too.
“Jesus Jared…over share.” Jensen replies, his eyes scanning the couch for the bottle of tequila he knows used to be there. But it’s not. It’s in between Jared’s legs and Jensen has a decision to make. Reach for the tequila or don‘t reach for the tequila, that’s the mother fuckin’ question right there. He wants that tequila, he needs that tequila.
Fuck it. He decides he’s going to risk it. Tequila- good, sobriety- bad.
As he reaches for the bottle his knuckles happen to graze against Jared’s crotch and he freezes. Jared wasn’t kidding about the being horny thing, he’s definitely hard and Jensen doesn’t know what the fuck to do with that information.
“Daaayum…”Jared moans, his hips arching slightly. It’s enough to break the spell and Jensen jerks his hand back, chuckling nervously to hide the tremor that goes through him. He is not turned on by Jared. He’s not. Maybe tequila makes him horny too?
“Sorry…drink, uh need a.” Okay so maybe that was a little backwards, but he’s pretty sure Jared got the gist of it.
“You touched my dick…”
Maybe not.
“Easy, tiger. I was going for the tequila, not your dick.” Jensen quirks an eyebrow as Jared gives him a confused look.
“But…my dick. Ya totally touched my dick. And m’horny, didn’t I tell you I’s horny? I did, and you knew it…and you touched my dick anyway.” Jared’s frowning at him now and Jensen can’t decide if he wants to throw his head back and laugh or if he wants to strangle the life right out of Jared.
“Jare, I’m going to say this slowly for you, okay? I. Didn’t. Mean. To. Touch. Your. Dick! I was trying to get the tequila. I was not trying to grope you!” Jensen takes a long pull from the bottle, after all if he’s got to put up with an incoherent Jared he’s going to need to be a lot more drunk than he already is.
“Hey…ya could, ya know? I wouldn’t mind it if ya wanted to grope me. M’horny and groping s’awesome when you’re horny. Well, s’always awesome, but when you’re horny s’even more awesome. Ain‘t that right, Jen?” Jared’s smiling now, all excited like he’s five years-old and just found out that he’s getting a puppy for Christmas.
Jensen kind of wants to scream or break something. But not the tequila bottle, it’s his only friend right now. Jared is no longer his friend, he fucking lost the right to be his friend when he started talking nonsense, and humm, Jensen thinks he just might be more drunk than he thought.
“Jared, m’not gonna grope you. Hump the couch if you’re that hard- up, man!” Jensen laughs, ‘cause that has got to be the funniest fucking mental picture ever. Jared humping away at the arm of the couch, maybe even trying to talk dirty to it…Oh God. Jensen’s holding his stomach, laughing so hard he has tears in his eyes. He’s not making much sound now, laughter chocked off in sobs and snorts.
“I could hump you…” Jensen stops cold, laughter dying in throat as his head snaps up and he locks eyes with Jared. He’s serious, he’s really serious.
And what do you know, his dick is not at all unhappy about that idea. Jensen looks at the bottle of tequila and tosses it to the floor as if it’s burning him. Evil fucking drink from hell. It made Jared horny and now it’s doing the same to him! It’s a conspiracy, he figures. Tequila takes straight men and turns them gay, makes them want to dry hump their male co-stars.
‘Cause Jensen so would not be hard under normal circumstances. If he wasn’t three sheets to the fucking wind, his cock would not be getting hard over the thought of Jared getting him off.
“Jared, you’re not humping me.” His voice is firm and he’s praying that Jared will just let it drop. But with the way his night’s been going, Jensen’s pretty sure he’s not going to get off that easy.
“Why not? You’re not horny?” Jared cocks his head to the side and it sort of reminds Jensen of a confused puppy. Jared says it like that’s the only issue, like the only reason Jensen would not want Jared to hump him is because he wasn’t horny. He runs his hand over his face, trying to clear the alcohol-induced cobwebs, he’s either too drunk for this or not drunk enough. But since the tequila is an evil drink that causes him to be gay, he’s not taking the chance of drinking any more of it.
“Not the point. The point is I’m not gay, you’re not gay, and you’re not humping me!” Jensen can not believe that he actually had to say the words “you’re not humping me” to Jared…twice. If this wasn’t so fucked up it would probably be hilarious.
“Dude, you don’t know that. I could be gay and you jus’ never realized it!” Jared’s obviously not convinced by Jensen’s logic and what the fuck, Jared is not gay. He totally would have realized it.
He tells Jared just that but Jared’s not having it. He’s got his hand on Jensen’s shoulder now and he’s gripping it pretty damn tight, leaning into Jensen’s face, “Maybe I’m just gay for you, ever thought of that?” Jensen sputters and Jared just looks at him, all smug and pretty damn proud of himself.
“So let me get this straight, you’re horny, you want me to believe you’re only gay for me, and you think I should let you hump me because you’re not coordinated enough to jerk yourself off when drunk?” Jensen thinks his eyebrow might be permanently stuck in arch mode tonight.
“Ya got it…so can we get to the humping now?” Jared’s got his hopeful face on, all wide-eyes and bright smile beaming back at Jensen, and Jesus fuck is he ever screwed. A hopeful Jared is not easily dismissed.
“No! God, Jared, I can not believe I actually have to tell you more than once that you are not humping me!” Jensen throws his head back against the couch, squeezing his eyes shut to try and just think for a minute. He’s got to find a way to get it through to Jared that they were not going to be doing anything that involved bodily fluids…ever. He should probably break the news to his own dick while he’s at it, because no matter what Jensen’s brain thought of the mutual humping, his cock thought it was a splendid idea.
“But Jeeeen!” Jared whined, flopping his head unceremoniously into Jensen’s lap. His hand rested on Jensen’s thigh, his fingers tracing unknown patterns against the denim. “Do you not care that m’getting a wicked case of blue-balls righ’ now?” Jared blinks rapidly, eyes sad as he stares up at Jensen.
Good God but the kid know how to work those puppy eyes. Didn’t mean Jensen was thinking about letting him just do it and get it over with though, not at all.
“Jared, I feel for you. I do. But that doesn’t mean I’m willing to let you dry hump me or something.” Jensen doesn’t realize until he’s through talking that his hand is moving through Jared’s hair, his fingers sliding in and out of the strands, and…huh, Jared’s hair is really soft. Almost like a girls.
“Mutual masturbation?” Jensen honest to God nearly bites his own tongue. What the fuck??
“JARED! God…no, just-no.” He’s tempted to shove the little whining bastard right off his lap, but it’s kind of soothing running his fingers through Jared’s hair like this. Great, obviously the tequila has already worked it’s gay magic on him because he’s starting to sound just like a fucking girl. Anyone got a tampon? He might need it soon at this rate.
“Fine…won’t even help a friend in need, shows what kind of best buddy you are.” Jared shifts, snuggling his head deeper into Jensen’s lap, and then he suddenly goes very still.
Jensen can feel the panic rise in him. Oh please God do not let him have felt it. He swears on everything holy, but evidently God has no mercy on men driven to gayness by tequila.
“Hey! You’re hard…ya said you weren’t horny. You lied to me!” Jensen kind of wants to cry now, in frustration or pure insanity, he’s not sure which.
“I never said that…JARED! Stop poking my crotch!” Jensen yelps, just like the girl he is. Jared’s eyeing his crotch, eyes narrow, tongue between his teeth as he pokes all along the ridge of Jensen’s cock.
“You made me think you weren’t horny and I’ve been sitting over here thinking it was just me the whole time. But NO, you’re hard, you fucker.” Jared sits up on his knees, glaring right at Jensen. He’s mad, he’s actually mad that Jensen has a hard on and didn’t tell him. When did he slip into the seventh circle of hell?
“So I’ve got wood, still doesn’t mean we should jerk each other off!” It’s a fucking valid point and Jensen knows it. He just can’t seem to get it through to his dick, it brings a hole new meaning to the phrase “hard headed”.
Jared just shakes his head, giving Jensen one hard shove against the chest. The combination of surprise and alcohol makes Jensen lose his balance and he falls backwards on to the couch. He catches the smirk on Jared’s face about two seconds too late to do anything to stop him.
Jensen grunts, his breath leaving him as he’s suddenly got a lap full of Padalecki. Really fucking heavy Padalecki. “Dude, get off!”
“That’s the general idea…” Jared grins, thrusting his hips down hard against Jensen, his eyes snapping closed and mouth falling open on a deep moan. Jensen bites his lips, trying not to react. Cause, fuckin hell, it feels amazing. He’s never drinking tequila again, his gayness is all over the place now.
“ Jar..ed, stop-p…oh fuck…don’t do that!” Jensen’s struggling not to just thrust back against Jared and it’s way fucking harder than it should be. He shouldn’t want to do it, but God help him he really, really does.
“What? This…?” Jared does it again, rolls his hips down against Jensen’s, thrusting up as he completes the roll. And Jensen is seeing stars behind his closed eyes.
“Yes THAT! Oh God…we can’t do this. We can’t…Oh Goddamn!” Jensen pants, his body automatically lifting into the thrust of Jared’s hips. Wait…he wasn’t…they couldn’t. Oh fuuuuck.
“Looks like we’re doing it just fine to me…Jesus, Jensen…here, lift.” Jared grabs at Jensen’s leg and tugs, pulling it up and over his hip. He does that thing with his hips again and Jensen keens. Oh mother fuck, but it feels good.
“Gotta stop…can’t do this. Not supposed to do this…shit! Oh fuck me…little more to the left- FUCK!” Jensen arches, his back coming completely off the couch as Jared leans in, pressing his open mouth against the column of his throat, sucking hard and flicking his tongue out to taste Jensen’s skin.
“Jensen…fuck…I can’t decide if you feel better or taste better. Mmmm…” Jared’s panting against his throat, high-pitched whimpers slipping from his open mouth as he continues thrusting and sucking and licking…and Oh God Jensen has never needed to come this bad in his entire life.
“Jared…Jesus, what are you doin’ to me?” Jensen’s whole body is tingling, nerve endings on overdrive as Jared continues to rock into him, his hand clutching tighter now to Jensen’s thigh as he holds it against him.
“Making you come. Shit! Jensen, feels s’good.” The words are mumbled against Jensen’s neck and fuck this. If they were going to do this they were going to do it right.
“Look at me…hey…Jared, God, just look at me please!” Jensen’s begging and he’s not sure when all of this became okay in his mind. But he can’t be bothered to think about it now, not when Jared’s thrusting in a punishing rhythm against him.
Jared lifts his head slowly, as if it takes effort to do that simple task, and Jensen moans, his voice broken and scratchy. Jared’s eyes have darkened, lust pooling in the hazel depths, and it’s got to be one of the sexiest fucking things Jensen has ever seen in his life.
He reaches out, grabbing a hold of the back of Jared’s neck, using the leverage to lift himself up, hips rolling sensually against Jared’s. The growl that comes from Jared is almost enough to make him come in his pants right then and there. Jensen’s not so sure he can blame all of this on the tequila anymore. It feels too good, too right.
“You still against that whole mutual masturbation thing?” Jared’s smiling down wickedly at him and Jensen can feel his whole body flush at his words. It sounds like a fan-fucking-tastic idea right about now. But before he can get the words out, Jared’s hand slips between them, popping the buttons on his jeans, and pushing back the denim roughly. Jensen moans loudly as Jared’s fingers brush over the hair that leads down into his pants, happy trail indeed.
“Gotta tell me how you like it, Jen. Do you like it rough or do you like to tease yourself, draw it out for as long as you can?” When in the hell did Jared learn how to talk like that? His voice sultry, words practically dripping sex as they fell from his lips.
“St..start out slow and then…OH FUCK! Yeah, l-like that…Jesus Jared.” Jensen head spins, pleasure coursing through his veins as Jared strokes him from base to tip slowly, then faster, then back to slow again. It’s not until he tastes copper than he even knows he’s bitten into his lip, Jared watches him closely as he swipes out his tongue to remove the taste.
“Wanna return the favor, Jensen?” Jared’s voice sounds strained, but there’s a smile on his lips that lets Jensen know he’s only teasing.
“Right, sorry…this better?” Jensen tugs against the buttons on Jared’s pants and the popping sounds they make when they come free rings in his ears. Everything’s too loud, his senses hyped up too much. He doesn’t bother with being shy, just reaches in, his hand closing over Jared’s cock, and strokes up quick and hard.
“Oh FUCK! Just like that Jensen…fuck yeah.” Jared’s eyes roll back in his head as Jensen adds a twist on the upstroke, thumb flickering under the head. He’d had a feeling that Jared would be more into the rough stuff and by the way he was thrusting himself into Jensen’s hand, he was right.
It was hard as hell to try and concentrate, to try and keep up the hard and face past of his hand on Jared’s cock, when all he wanted to do was lie back and give into the sensations sweeping over him. If he’d known Jared was this good at hand-jobs he might not have protested so much before.
“Oh God, Jensen…can I…I mean I want to…fuck it.” Jared’s mouth claims his before he can even process the words and Jensen moans eagerly. He’d been wanting that too, but didn’t know how to ask or even if he should.
And fuck him cross-eyed, it seemed Jared could do wicked things with his tongue too. Never in his life had Jensen been kissed like this, never had someone completely ravage his mouth like they were dying for the taste of him. Jared’s tongue curled over Jensen’s, rolling around the tip, stroking along the sides, while his mouth pressed hard and urgent against Jensen’s.
Then Jared pulled back slightly, coaching Jensen’s tongue out of his own mouth. Jared moved his mouth away until only their tongues still touched, tangled between them. Jensen surged forward, licking his way into Jared’s mouth and finding every corner, teasing the underside of Jared’s tongue and making him moan loudly.
“Jensen…Goddamn…I think I could come just from kissing you.” Jensen shivers as Jared pants against his mouth, hand stroking Jensen’s cock faster now. It’s then that Jensen notices that his own hand has stilled and that Jared wasn’t reacting to anything but their kiss.
That was fucking sexy as hell and Jensen was almost tempted to see if he could do it, make Jared come just by kissing him. Maybe later.
“No need…” Jensen rolls Jared’s balls in his hand, feeling the heavy weight of them in his palm before he moves his hand up and once again starts stroking Jared’s cock hard and fast. Jared whimpers, his mouth making soundless words against Jensen’s lips, “…yeah, I think I like this better.”
“Me…me too.” Jared stutters, his breath hitching as Jensen starts twisting his wrist more frequently, trying his best to pull the orgasm from him. Jensen knows he’s close, feels the slickness of precome on his hands as he strokes Jared off.
He’s so caught up in watching Jared lose control that he jerks when Jared’s thumb brushes under the head of his cock, waves of pleasure crashing down his spine. “Damn Jared…fuck that feels good.” He’s sweating now, can feel it dripping down his neck and chest as he tenses to try and hold his orgasm back. But he can feel it, just under his skin, just out of reach.
Jared’s mouth crashes into his again, pressure almost painful as he grunts and growls against their joined lips, the sound animalistic. Jensen rakes his hand up Jared’s neck, tugs hard at the hair at the nape and Jared whines low and deep in his throat. So, he likes it rough everywhere, huh? Jensen can deal with that.
He tugs harder, pulling Jared’s head back and breaking their kiss. Jensen licks his own mouth before flicking his tongue out to trace along Jared’s bottom lip, feeling more than hearing the moan Jared makes. “You like it like this, Jared? Like the edge of pain that makes the pleasure better?” He watches as Jared’s eyes roll back in his head and he knows he has his answer.
He flicks his wrist and pulls hard on Jared’s cock, smiling when Jared snaps his hips hard in return. “Gonna come, Jared? You better not forget about me while you’re at, you better make me come too.” He growls the words against Jared’s ear, biting down sharply on the lobe.
“Don’t worry…I will.” Then suddenly Jared’s finger is at his mouth and Jensen doesn’t think twice about sucking it in, rolling his tongue over the long, slender digit. Jared moans, shaking his head and looking like he needs to remember to breathe. Jensen smiles smugly around his finger, then pulls back and lets it slide out with a wet pop.
“I knew you’d be a tease…” Jared mumbles as he lifts Jensen’s leg higher with one hand, and slides his wet finger behind Jensen’s balls. He knew where this was going, but Jensen stiffens anyway. But Jared’s not letting him pull away, instead he closes his mouth against Jensen’s, kissing him deep and hard. Distracted, Jensen relaxes, almost doesn’t feel the slip-slide of Jared’s finger pressing into him. Almost.
“Jared?” It’s a question he’s not sure how to ask. How far is Jared going to take this?
“Just relax, trust me…you’re going to like it.” Jared smiles, like he’s got a secret and Jensen nods, willing his body to relax.
It’s odd, the feeling of something pushing into him, stroking him from the inside. It’s not bad, just different. But when Jared lets go of his leg and puts his hand back on his cock, Jensen arches, moans tumbling from his mouth. He could work with this.
“Gotta find…there.” Jared flexes the finger inside him and Jensen exhales sharply, pleasure slamming into him hard. Jensen totally gets the appeal of butt-sex now.
“Oh fuckin’ fuck…FUCK!” Yeah, that was coherent, but Jensen doesn’t care. Doesn’t care about anything as long as Jared keeps stroking over that spot inside him.
“Told you…feels so good it almost hurts, doesn’t it?” Jensen nods rapidly, whimpering beneath Jared’s hands. He can’t think enough to form the words, so he just lets his body talk for him. Lets the canting of his hips against Jared and the way he’s panting harshly now say everything Jared needs to know. He’s gonna come…he should probably at least try to warn Jared.
“Ja…s’good…gonna come.” Jesus, he can’t even speak, words getting twisted around inside his head, the pleasure he feels blocking out everything but the need for release.
“Do it, Jen. Come for me…now.” Jared demands, his voice whisper soft, but Jensen feels them like a punch to the gut. He’s shaking, literally shaking in Jared’s hands, his body sweating from head to toe. And all it takes is a couple more passes of Jared’s finger over his prostate and he’s coming hard into Jared’s hand.
“FUUUCK!” Jensen screams, his throat burning with the force of it. His body has coiled up, pressed tighter than before to Jared’s chest. He shudders, blinking rapidly to try and find at least the strength to focus on Jared smiling down at him. “God…I…damn.” Evidently all of his brain cells shot out of his dick, because Jensen can’t even think in complete sentences, much less speak in them.
“You’re kind of hot when you come.” Jared bites his lip, his hand still sliding slowly over Jensen’s spent cock. Oh right, he completely forgot about Jared. Where were his manners?
“Bet you look hot when you come, too. I think I want to find out.” Jensen murmurs, brushing his lips across Jared’s, just a hint of a kiss. He moves his hand back to Jared’s cock and resumes the quick and hard pace he had set before. Jared jumps, breath hitching as he arches into Jensen’s hand.
“Fuck Jen…not gonna take much.” Jared pants, forehead coming to rest against Jensen’s, eyes sliding closed with pleasure. Jensen uses his other hand to brush the bangs from Jared’s face, sliding through and tugging the dark strands. He wants to be able watch Jared’s face as he comes undone, wants to see what he looks like when he’s going to come.
“Gonna come for me, Jared? I know you’re close, I can see it on your face. Open your eyes…” Jensen tugs harder on Jared’s hair and his eyes snap open, locking and holding Jensen’s. He can tell Jared’s struggling to keep them open, trying hard not to close his eyes and just let the pleasure wash through him. But he doesn’t, he keeps them focused on Jensen’s and thrusts more urgently into Jensen’s hand.
“Jen…Jen…I’m gonna…aw shit…” Jared’s eyes rolls back briefly and Jensen takes his bottom lip between his teeth and tugs, forcing his attention back to him. He pulls so hard on Jared’s hair he’s surprised that he doesn’t come away with strands of Jared’s hair.
“Eyes. On. Me.” Jensen growls the words, voice dipping low and forceful. Jared whimpers but obeys, eyes falling back to Jensen’s as he twists harder on Jared’s cock.
“Come, right now, Jared. Come!” Jensen demands and that’s all it takes. Jared’s unraveling before his eyes, mouth slack as he moans, eyes still locked with Jensen’s.
“Fuck! Jensen!” Jared’s scream rivals his own from moments earlier and Jensen smiles with satisfaction. He strokes Jared through his orgasm, pulling every last drop from the younger man. When Jared slumps against him, he lets his hand fall, wipes it off on Jared’s shirt.
“Feel better?” Jared grunts, then smiles. He looks fucked out and if Jensen hadn’t just had the best orgasm of his life a moment ago he’d probably find it really damn hot.
“God yes!” Jared grins down at him then leans in to kiss Jensen, mouth caressing gently. Jensen smiles against Jared’s mouth, letting go of the grip he forgot he had on Jared’s hair, just strokes his fingers through it now.
“ So you know we’re going to have to talk about this.” Jensen pins Jared with a serious look and he rolls his eyes.
“Dude, can we at least wait until the post-orgasm high wears off?”
“Works for me…up.” Jensen pushes against Jared’s chest and he just sort of rolls to the side…and fucking snuggles, snuggles, Jensen from behind. Oh God.
“Jared, man, are you cuddling me?” Jensen never thought he’d ever have to ask that question. Then again he’d done a lot of things tonight that he never thought he would. Like jerk his best friend off for instance.
“You’re warm, too tired to move.” Jared yawns and Jensen’s not sure if it’s real or for effect.
“Fuckin’ girl…”
“I’m not the one who had a finger up my ass.” Jensen balks, sputtering as he tries to come up with a good come back. Except…there’s not really one he can think of.
“You started it, well you and the gay tequila.” Jared snorts and Jensen can feel his body shaking with laughter behind him.
“Jen, you can’t blame the tequila. It didn’t make you like my finger up your…” Jensen reaches back and punches Jared hard on the shoulder.
“Shut up, Jared!” Jensen huffs, wiggling back against Jared. If Jared was going to cuddle him like a damn girl he could at least get comfortable for it. He moved around a little, scouting his body into just the right spot. There, that’d work.
“Hey Jen?” Oh God, what now?
“Yeah?”
“I’m kinda getting horny again…"