Say It Right: Part Two (RPS, Gale/Randy)
I know this took forever and a day but hey-- I got it up so that's something. Sorry for the delay.
Disclaimer: I neither know nor own Gale or Randy. Nor any of the other peoples. This is NOT real. It is fiction based on an overactive imagination and lots of QAF viewing. None of the events in this story have happened. Thank you for your time!
Title: Say It Right (2/?)
Author: freakykat
Pairing: Gale/Randy...in the end
Rating: R
Series/Sequel: Part 2
Summary: Sometimes saying the right words is the hardest thing to do.
Warnings: m/m sex, if you don't like that kind of thing, away with you. If you do, enjoy! Tons of language, quite a bit of angst, illness.
Author's Notes: Sorry everyone for the delay of this part. Moving, visitors, technical difficulities all got in the way. Deepest thanks to plumduff for beta'ing and her encouragement! This chapter was a mess before she oh so wonderfully cleaned it up for me. Thank you dearest! Feedback loved, nurtured and petted!
Say It Right (2/?)
These are the times
I wanna crawl in a hole
And these are the rhymes
that try to soothe my soul ~ AHS
There are rare occasions that catch me off guard, a few times where the unexpected leaves me with no immediate response. Dealing with the career I chose leaves one jaded beyond any sense. Nothing is new…nothing can shock.
So…
It shouldn’t surprise me to hear that voice so close. It shouldn’t cause the sudden acceleration of my heart. I heard it for the better part of 5 years, I became used to the steady tone, the slight accent hidden in syllables.
But it does.
Just as it did so long ago, on a day that remains clear in memories that I try to squash and box away.
Gale.
I grin widely, breathe the name and when I come out from behind the screen that divides me from the room, I’m met with that same scrutinizing stare, the same pair of haunted hazel eyes that stopped me in my tracks from that first day.
His smile is wide in return and I find that the words I’m so well known for seem to fail me. Whatever distance has been between us fades and I feel strong arms wrapped around me. His smell is familiar…like comfort…aftershave, sweat, and wood. The combination should never work but it does.
Fuck. I’ve missed him.
“Hi Gale.”
His response is to hug me tighter and his mouth breathes across my ear with a low greeting. “Hi Rands.” I stifle the shiver that runs down my spine and laugh softly against his neck.
“We’re fucking eloquent tonight aren’t we?”
I feel the vibrations of his laugh against our joined bodies and will my own to back off. I focus on the floor for a long moment before looking into his eyes and feel that ridiculous grin again.
“Jesus.”
He shakes his head and points to his face. “No. Gale.” He bites his lip, eyes downcast in that classic Gale move that manages to be seductive and innocent all in one.
I laugh, swatting at his arms. “That was terrible.”
“I know.”
He seems to contemplate saying something more but decides against it and I frown slightly, wondering why I feel fear on his part. We’d never been afraid to say what we had to. It had caused problems more times then I could count but in the end, it had always been for the better.
I watch him walk toward the couch I tend to use as a bed at times -more now then ever these days - and feel that crushing grip in my heart that comes with being near Gale. I’m not entirely sure why it’s happening now. It has been years since it did. Not since I learned to lock desire and want away, seal it inside. To never look at it too closely again.
Okay, I need to focus. Need to get back to some form of normalcy. Have to stop useless thoughts from tumbling around in my head.
I move to sit next to him, slinging one arm over his shoulder and pull him closer, dropping a kiss on his head as I do. “What are you doing here, you nut?”
He seems to lean in to my touch and I feel that same fear rise again. There is something wrong.
His eyes lock with mine and he reaches out to touch my cheek softly, tracing it slowly. “I had to see you.” His hand falls back and he smiles. “You were fucking amazing.”
Joy and pride bloom at his words, the fear forgotten for the moment. “You saw the performance?”
“Of course. Why are you surprised?”
“Um…cause I haven’t seen or heard from you in nearly 10 months?”
He nods in assent. “I know…I…sorry.”
I shake my head, running a hand over his hair. It is back to the brown I like best on him. “No need for that Gale. We had a fight and we both should have tried harder to keep in contact after.” I pause for a moment as I say “But I still stand by what I said.”
His gurgled laugh rumbles into the air and I smile in response. “Fuck you, Rands.”
“Well…” I wiggle my eyebrows comically, smiling lecherously until I see his smile fade and before I can fully understand, he’s on his feet, moving across the room. What the hell is going on?
“Gale….”
“Congratulations.”
I halt, confused. “Huh?”
He glances at me, face unreadable. “For the nomination.” His tone is teasing and I relax slightly. I wave the compliment away.
“It’s not important…it’s just a nomination.”
“Really?”
It is drawled out in that infuriating tone he has and I shrug. “Simon seems to think that it’s…not going to help my career.” I can hear the bitterness seep into the words. “It’s really not…you know…it’s just a nomination.”
His eyes narrow and one eyebrow rises. “Just a nomination? Right. Just a pesky Tony award for Best Supporting Actor in a Revival.” He gives a dismissive snort. “No big deal.”
I try not to smile but it happens against my will and I throw the nearest object - a script I have been contemplating - at his head. “Okay, jackass. It’s awesome. Fucking thrilling. I can’t stop dancing around whenever I’m alone.” I stick a tongue out in his direction. “Happy?”
He smiles slightly and nods. “About that, yes. I almost went deaf from all the screaming when I told Sharon and Hal. They’ll be calling you soon.”
I groan but the smile still remains on my face. I am damn proud of that even if I can’t admit it to -- I shove the thought away and look up to see Gale’s face.
“What?”
“You really dance around?”
I laugh and nod. “Yep. In my underwear.”
That seems to sober him up for some reason. He sighs, one hand running through his hair, strands sticking up and he paces slightly. “Not a mental image I needed, Randy.”
I’m at a loss. What the hell is going on?
“Gale.”
“I don’t…what the fuck am I doing?” He mumbles as he continues to thread a path in the room. “I shouldn’t have…”
“Gale.”
“This was a bad idea. It’s not fair…you and Simon…I…I have to go.”
“Gale!”
I lunge for the door before he has a chance to open it and lean against it, wrenching his hand off the handle. I need to keep between him and his escape.
“Gale what is it?” I reach one hand to his face, searching his eyes for some answer to his sudden appearance. To his reactions. To his apparent fear. He’s frozen in place and there’s an alarm sounding inside my head, screaming that I need to run.
We’re closer now, his face inches away and I can hear his soft breathing, the low groan that comes from inside and…his mouth crushes into mine…and I can’t breathe…I can’t think…because…
Gale fucking Harold is kissing me.
His arms twine around me and he pulls our bodies together, lips bruising, wet and hot, hands running under my shirt, calluses against soft skin and…shit!
There is an audible moan between us and I realize it’s me. I grip his hair, fist one hand in it and …ohgod…Open mouth, head tilted and I push up on toes, trying to reach higher, somehow deeper and it’s sensations…only sensations…and Gale’s breathing…and Gale’s taste…nothing like I remember it being…nothing like when we were Brian and Justin…
Oh fuck.
Hands push away and I stumble back, head hitting the door behind me hard and we stare at one another for what seems an eternity. Then I feel it….the rush of red rising inside and I shove at him. I need to run from those eyes…those goddamn eyes…
“What the fuck was that?!” I spit out, trembling against the rush pouring from that place where I have sealed away desire and want and wishes. This is not happening. Not after so long….not after I’d given up…
I’m angry and hurt and confused. I look at Gale now, his own body shuddering, eyes still glassy with need, lips red and bruised…
I look away. I can’t deal with his face….that beautiful face I still see in dreams.
“Rands…” He moves closer and I instinctively take a step back, one hand held out to stop him. I can’t have him so near…I need to think. He halts and I lower the hand slowly, crossing to take a seat back on the couch. I lean my head in my arms.
This is not happening.
I can feel him take a few steps closer, hear the scraping as he pulls the only other chair in the room nearer and I only look up when I know he’s taken a seat. I can feel that probing stare underneath my skin.
His eyes seem darker now…there’s a trace of wetness that I haven’t seen in a long time.
“Gale…I don’t understand.” Confusion won‘t even begin to cover it. My straight co-star, best friend if I admit it…someone I loved once when dreams had still been possible…has just kissed me and thrown everything I know about my life into shambles.
“Rands…I…I love you.”
White noise is all I seem to hear right now - excuse me a moment while I scream silently at the fucked up timing of the universe.
I let a very profound “Shit” escape my lips and he smiles.
“Yeah that was my first thought too.” He leans back, allowing me space since I’m sure I must look like I might be blowing chunks at any moment.
“You - you - love?”
“You. Yes I do.” He seems to realize what the next question is going to be and answers quickly. “And no, Rands, not in a love your fellow man, brother, family way.” His eyes stay on mine. “I’m in love with you. The forever and probably beyond the grave kind.”
Oh dear…god. Breathe. I need to breathe. I stand up, then sit down once more.
He brushes one hand across the top of my head now and I feel the world blacken at the edges. I am not going to faint god damn it. I’m not that much of a queen.
“Why…why now…I don’t…”
“Sometimes life makes you face things you never would have before.” He shrinks away and I can feel something tighten inside my chest. There is more. I know there is.
“I’m sick Randy. I’m…not sure if I will get better.” He searches my face, reaching a hand to touch me.
Gale is…sick?
“What?”
“I have cancer.” His rueful smile makes me ache. “Fucking ironic or what?”
This…Gale…cancer….he loves me…
I can hear the panting of my breath….the flush of my cheeks and I push off the couch. His body tenses and I realize he knew this would be my reaction. Has been expecting it.
“How long?” His eyebrow quirks in question and I expand, frustration and anger evident because he fucking knows what I’m asking. “How. Long. Have. You. Known?”
“That I love you or that I have cancer?”
“Take your fucking pick!”
“I found out I had cancer about two months ago…lots of tests, nothing really conclusive until about two weeks ago. “ He takes a breath. “I’ve know that I loved you…for a long time.”
“You…son of a bitch.” My hands are shaking, balled into fists I want to swing. Why? Why the…years ago when I had been his…when we shared everything…he had to have known. But he was straight…he had told the world that.
This is bullshit. No. He doesn’t love me. He can’t.
“No.” I strangle out and he rises from his seat, facing me…facing my anger and pain. “This is…fuck you Gale! “
He hangs his head and all I want to do is scream at him because this is unfair….he is telling me he loves me in same breath he’s telling me he’s dying. That he’s …..
I hear the words leave before I stop them. “You shit. You only told me because you’re sick.” I watch his face crumble and I feel my insides do the same. I hurt for him, but when he nods that anger that lay beneath…that I know is really aimed at myself, just explodes.
“Get out.”
“Randy.”
His voice is pleading and god I want to hold him and tell him that…I - what?
That I love him.
I do.
Always have.
But I force that back inside its box, seal it even as it struggles when I look him in the face.
“This is wrong Gale. You can’t walk into my life after a year’s absence to tell me that you love me. That suddenly you realize because you’re sick, you what, want me?”
He shakes his head and I think I’m going to punch him for that. And for the next words that leave his mouth.
“I don’t expect anything Randy. I know you love Simon. That you built a life here with him. That you’re happy.” It seems almost a question and I ignore it so he continues. “I only wanted you to know. I thought it was…I think it’s the right thing. If I don’t survive this…I wanted you to know I love you.”
“Oh so if you hadn’t been sick then what? You would have continued to lie to me? To yourself?” He avoids looking at me and I have my answer. “You piece of shit!”
He cringes and I wish I could take it back but the words seem to flow out, like a dam has broken and I can’t stop it. “So now what? You’ve told me. You leave me with this and now you get to possibly die in peace? Is that it? You get to leave me here with your love and nothing else.”
“I had to tell you Randy. I had to make sure I left you something in case…”
I want to cry. Run into his arms and kiss the sickness away. Love him enough. Be enough.
But I never was.
“I wish you hadn’t.” I whisper it and wish I hadn’t when his face loses its color and he takes a step back. I need to be cruel. I need to make him leave.
He nods, understands like only he can. “I know it was unfair. That you’re hurting. That this ends our - relationship.”
I don’t disagree and he shakes his head. “You deserved the truth.” He starts to walk away and turns back for one moment. Eyes asking what he can’t voice. Love shining despite everything and it’s a kick to the stomach. I ache…because I know in some other world I could say the words. Share my truth. But I don’t …
And I lie.
“No Gale. I don’t love you.”
He’s smiling at me…why the hell is he doing that?
He starts to move and before I protest, his lips are on me now, soft and sweet, he licks, opens and tastes…the heady scent that is so Gale creeps inside and - someone help me please - his hands cradle my face.
I can’t do this. I should tell him to stop.
I can feel his forehead on mine and open my eyes to find his. He kisses me once…twice…and mutters “Liar” on my lips.
I’m shaking, anger wrestling with need. I answer quietly. “Leave. Now.” Adding with despair. “Please.”
He pleads silently and I shake my head. “I can’t Gale.”
It’s that last statement that seems to penetrate and he nods, backing away. He drops a kiss on my forehead. And he walks to the door. I watch him pause, hear the quiet words fall from his mouth. “I do love you.”
My eyes close and I’m biting down on the words that want to tumble out. I don’t watch him leave and only hear his last words before the door clicks shut.
“Goodbye Randy.”
I don‘t know what I should do, mind and soul torn. I fall onto the cushions, still smelling of his scent, the room filled with his life force. The one I can see slipping from his grasp and mine even now.
I press fingers into the corners of my eyes, forcing the burning there to subside.
It’s over. Gale has said what he wanted. What he needed.
There is nothing to be done. I have Simon. No matter where we stand right now he is the life I have chosen and the lies…hiding is the life Gale has chosen.
We are what we have always been.
Nothing.
|3|
Disclaimer: I neither know nor own Gale or Randy. Nor any of the other peoples. This is NOT real. It is fiction based on an overactive imagination and lots of QAF viewing. None of the events in this story have happened. Thank you for your time!
Title: Say It Right (2/?)
Author: freakykat
Pairing: Gale/Randy...in the end
Rating: R
Series/Sequel: Part 2
Summary: Sometimes saying the right words is the hardest thing to do.
Warnings: m/m sex, if you don't like that kind of thing, away with you. If you do, enjoy! Tons of language, quite a bit of angst, illness.
Author's Notes: Sorry everyone for the delay of this part. Moving, visitors, technical difficulities all got in the way. Deepest thanks to plumduff for beta'ing and her encouragement! This chapter was a mess before she oh so wonderfully cleaned it up for me. Thank you dearest! Feedback loved, nurtured and petted!
Say It Right (2/?)
These are the times
I wanna crawl in a hole
And these are the rhymes
that try to soothe my soul ~ AHS
There are rare occasions that catch me off guard, a few times where the unexpected leaves me with no immediate response. Dealing with the career I chose leaves one jaded beyond any sense. Nothing is new…nothing can shock.
So…
It shouldn’t surprise me to hear that voice so close. It shouldn’t cause the sudden acceleration of my heart. I heard it for the better part of 5 years, I became used to the steady tone, the slight accent hidden in syllables.
But it does.
Just as it did so long ago, on a day that remains clear in memories that I try to squash and box away.
Gale.
I grin widely, breathe the name and when I come out from behind the screen that divides me from the room, I’m met with that same scrutinizing stare, the same pair of haunted hazel eyes that stopped me in my tracks from that first day.
His smile is wide in return and I find that the words I’m so well known for seem to fail me. Whatever distance has been between us fades and I feel strong arms wrapped around me. His smell is familiar…like comfort…aftershave, sweat, and wood. The combination should never work but it does.
Fuck. I’ve missed him.
“Hi Gale.”
His response is to hug me tighter and his mouth breathes across my ear with a low greeting. “Hi Rands.” I stifle the shiver that runs down my spine and laugh softly against his neck.
“We’re fucking eloquent tonight aren’t we?”
I feel the vibrations of his laugh against our joined bodies and will my own to back off. I focus on the floor for a long moment before looking into his eyes and feel that ridiculous grin again.
“Jesus.”
He shakes his head and points to his face. “No. Gale.” He bites his lip, eyes downcast in that classic Gale move that manages to be seductive and innocent all in one.
I laugh, swatting at his arms. “That was terrible.”
“I know.”
He seems to contemplate saying something more but decides against it and I frown slightly, wondering why I feel fear on his part. We’d never been afraid to say what we had to. It had caused problems more times then I could count but in the end, it had always been for the better.
I watch him walk toward the couch I tend to use as a bed at times -more now then ever these days - and feel that crushing grip in my heart that comes with being near Gale. I’m not entirely sure why it’s happening now. It has been years since it did. Not since I learned to lock desire and want away, seal it inside. To never look at it too closely again.
Okay, I need to focus. Need to get back to some form of normalcy. Have to stop useless thoughts from tumbling around in my head.
I move to sit next to him, slinging one arm over his shoulder and pull him closer, dropping a kiss on his head as I do. “What are you doing here, you nut?”
He seems to lean in to my touch and I feel that same fear rise again. There is something wrong.
His eyes lock with mine and he reaches out to touch my cheek softly, tracing it slowly. “I had to see you.” His hand falls back and he smiles. “You were fucking amazing.”
Joy and pride bloom at his words, the fear forgotten for the moment. “You saw the performance?”
“Of course. Why are you surprised?”
“Um…cause I haven’t seen or heard from you in nearly 10 months?”
He nods in assent. “I know…I…sorry.”
I shake my head, running a hand over his hair. It is back to the brown I like best on him. “No need for that Gale. We had a fight and we both should have tried harder to keep in contact after.” I pause for a moment as I say “But I still stand by what I said.”
His gurgled laugh rumbles into the air and I smile in response. “Fuck you, Rands.”
“Well…” I wiggle my eyebrows comically, smiling lecherously until I see his smile fade and before I can fully understand, he’s on his feet, moving across the room. What the hell is going on?
“Gale….”
“Congratulations.”
I halt, confused. “Huh?”
He glances at me, face unreadable. “For the nomination.” His tone is teasing and I relax slightly. I wave the compliment away.
“It’s not important…it’s just a nomination.”
“Really?”
It is drawled out in that infuriating tone he has and I shrug. “Simon seems to think that it’s…not going to help my career.” I can hear the bitterness seep into the words. “It’s really not…you know…it’s just a nomination.”
His eyes narrow and one eyebrow rises. “Just a nomination? Right. Just a pesky Tony award for Best Supporting Actor in a Revival.” He gives a dismissive snort. “No big deal.”
I try not to smile but it happens against my will and I throw the nearest object - a script I have been contemplating - at his head. “Okay, jackass. It’s awesome. Fucking thrilling. I can’t stop dancing around whenever I’m alone.” I stick a tongue out in his direction. “Happy?”
He smiles slightly and nods. “About that, yes. I almost went deaf from all the screaming when I told Sharon and Hal. They’ll be calling you soon.”
I groan but the smile still remains on my face. I am damn proud of that even if I can’t admit it to -- I shove the thought away and look up to see Gale’s face.
“What?”
“You really dance around?”
I laugh and nod. “Yep. In my underwear.”
That seems to sober him up for some reason. He sighs, one hand running through his hair, strands sticking up and he paces slightly. “Not a mental image I needed, Randy.”
I’m at a loss. What the hell is going on?
“Gale.”
“I don’t…what the fuck am I doing?” He mumbles as he continues to thread a path in the room. “I shouldn’t have…”
“Gale.”
“This was a bad idea. It’s not fair…you and Simon…I…I have to go.”
“Gale!”
I lunge for the door before he has a chance to open it and lean against it, wrenching his hand off the handle. I need to keep between him and his escape.
“Gale what is it?” I reach one hand to his face, searching his eyes for some answer to his sudden appearance. To his reactions. To his apparent fear. He’s frozen in place and there’s an alarm sounding inside my head, screaming that I need to run.
We’re closer now, his face inches away and I can hear his soft breathing, the low groan that comes from inside and…his mouth crushes into mine…and I can’t breathe…I can’t think…because…
Gale fucking Harold is kissing me.
His arms twine around me and he pulls our bodies together, lips bruising, wet and hot, hands running under my shirt, calluses against soft skin and…shit!
There is an audible moan between us and I realize it’s me. I grip his hair, fist one hand in it and …ohgod…Open mouth, head tilted and I push up on toes, trying to reach higher, somehow deeper and it’s sensations…only sensations…and Gale’s breathing…and Gale’s taste…nothing like I remember it being…nothing like when we were Brian and Justin…
Oh fuck.
Hands push away and I stumble back, head hitting the door behind me hard and we stare at one another for what seems an eternity. Then I feel it….the rush of red rising inside and I shove at him. I need to run from those eyes…those goddamn eyes…
“What the fuck was that?!” I spit out, trembling against the rush pouring from that place where I have sealed away desire and want and wishes. This is not happening. Not after so long….not after I’d given up…
I’m angry and hurt and confused. I look at Gale now, his own body shuddering, eyes still glassy with need, lips red and bruised…
I look away. I can’t deal with his face….that beautiful face I still see in dreams.
“Rands…” He moves closer and I instinctively take a step back, one hand held out to stop him. I can’t have him so near…I need to think. He halts and I lower the hand slowly, crossing to take a seat back on the couch. I lean my head in my arms.
This is not happening.
I can feel him take a few steps closer, hear the scraping as he pulls the only other chair in the room nearer and I only look up when I know he’s taken a seat. I can feel that probing stare underneath my skin.
His eyes seem darker now…there’s a trace of wetness that I haven’t seen in a long time.
“Gale…I don’t understand.” Confusion won‘t even begin to cover it. My straight co-star, best friend if I admit it…someone I loved once when dreams had still been possible…has just kissed me and thrown everything I know about my life into shambles.
“Rands…I…I love you.”
White noise is all I seem to hear right now - excuse me a moment while I scream silently at the fucked up timing of the universe.
I let a very profound “Shit” escape my lips and he smiles.
“Yeah that was my first thought too.” He leans back, allowing me space since I’m sure I must look like I might be blowing chunks at any moment.
“You - you - love?”
“You. Yes I do.” He seems to realize what the next question is going to be and answers quickly. “And no, Rands, not in a love your fellow man, brother, family way.” His eyes stay on mine. “I’m in love with you. The forever and probably beyond the grave kind.”
Oh dear…god. Breathe. I need to breathe. I stand up, then sit down once more.
He brushes one hand across the top of my head now and I feel the world blacken at the edges. I am not going to faint god damn it. I’m not that much of a queen.
“Why…why now…I don’t…”
“Sometimes life makes you face things you never would have before.” He shrinks away and I can feel something tighten inside my chest. There is more. I know there is.
“I’m sick Randy. I’m…not sure if I will get better.” He searches my face, reaching a hand to touch me.
Gale is…sick?
“What?”
“I have cancer.” His rueful smile makes me ache. “Fucking ironic or what?”
This…Gale…cancer….he loves me…
I can hear the panting of my breath….the flush of my cheeks and I push off the couch. His body tenses and I realize he knew this would be my reaction. Has been expecting it.
“How long?” His eyebrow quirks in question and I expand, frustration and anger evident because he fucking knows what I’m asking. “How. Long. Have. You. Known?”
“That I love you or that I have cancer?”
“Take your fucking pick!”
“I found out I had cancer about two months ago…lots of tests, nothing really conclusive until about two weeks ago. “ He takes a breath. “I’ve know that I loved you…for a long time.”
“You…son of a bitch.” My hands are shaking, balled into fists I want to swing. Why? Why the…years ago when I had been his…when we shared everything…he had to have known. But he was straight…he had told the world that.
This is bullshit. No. He doesn’t love me. He can’t.
“No.” I strangle out and he rises from his seat, facing me…facing my anger and pain. “This is…fuck you Gale! “
He hangs his head and all I want to do is scream at him because this is unfair….he is telling me he loves me in same breath he’s telling me he’s dying. That he’s …..
I hear the words leave before I stop them. “You shit. You only told me because you’re sick.” I watch his face crumble and I feel my insides do the same. I hurt for him, but when he nods that anger that lay beneath…that I know is really aimed at myself, just explodes.
“Get out.”
“Randy.”
His voice is pleading and god I want to hold him and tell him that…I - what?
That I love him.
I do.
Always have.
But I force that back inside its box, seal it even as it struggles when I look him in the face.
“This is wrong Gale. You can’t walk into my life after a year’s absence to tell me that you love me. That suddenly you realize because you’re sick, you what, want me?”
He shakes his head and I think I’m going to punch him for that. And for the next words that leave his mouth.
“I don’t expect anything Randy. I know you love Simon. That you built a life here with him. That you’re happy.” It seems almost a question and I ignore it so he continues. “I only wanted you to know. I thought it was…I think it’s the right thing. If I don’t survive this…I wanted you to know I love you.”
“Oh so if you hadn’t been sick then what? You would have continued to lie to me? To yourself?” He avoids looking at me and I have my answer. “You piece of shit!”
He cringes and I wish I could take it back but the words seem to flow out, like a dam has broken and I can’t stop it. “So now what? You’ve told me. You leave me with this and now you get to possibly die in peace? Is that it? You get to leave me here with your love and nothing else.”
“I had to tell you Randy. I had to make sure I left you something in case…”
I want to cry. Run into his arms and kiss the sickness away. Love him enough. Be enough.
But I never was.
“I wish you hadn’t.” I whisper it and wish I hadn’t when his face loses its color and he takes a step back. I need to be cruel. I need to make him leave.
He nods, understands like only he can. “I know it was unfair. That you’re hurting. That this ends our - relationship.”
I don’t disagree and he shakes his head. “You deserved the truth.” He starts to walk away and turns back for one moment. Eyes asking what he can’t voice. Love shining despite everything and it’s a kick to the stomach. I ache…because I know in some other world I could say the words. Share my truth. But I don’t …
And I lie.
“No Gale. I don’t love you.”
He’s smiling at me…why the hell is he doing that?
He starts to move and before I protest, his lips are on me now, soft and sweet, he licks, opens and tastes…the heady scent that is so Gale creeps inside and - someone help me please - his hands cradle my face.
I can’t do this. I should tell him to stop.
I can feel his forehead on mine and open my eyes to find his. He kisses me once…twice…and mutters “Liar” on my lips.
I’m shaking, anger wrestling with need. I answer quietly. “Leave. Now.” Adding with despair. “Please.”
He pleads silently and I shake my head. “I can’t Gale.”
It’s that last statement that seems to penetrate and he nods, backing away. He drops a kiss on my forehead. And he walks to the door. I watch him pause, hear the quiet words fall from his mouth. “I do love you.”
My eyes close and I’m biting down on the words that want to tumble out. I don’t watch him leave and only hear his last words before the door clicks shut.
“Goodbye Randy.”
I don‘t know what I should do, mind and soul torn. I fall onto the cushions, still smelling of his scent, the room filled with his life force. The one I can see slipping from his grasp and mine even now.
I press fingers into the corners of my eyes, forcing the burning there to subside.
It’s over. Gale has said what he wanted. What he needed.
There is nothing to be done. I have Simon. No matter where we stand right now he is the life I have chosen and the lies…hiding is the life Gale has chosen.
We are what we have always been.
Nothing.
|3|