Fanfic: You're Still Hungry [1/1]
Title: You're Still Hungry
Author: freakingdork
Rating: FRT
Word Count: 604
Warnings: eating disorders
Summary/Prompt: Seaver has a history of anorexia linked to wanting to be the perfect daughter, but she beat it and thought it would never be an issue again. When she is in the BAU and under new stress, she notices the signs of that behavior manifesting again and tries to stop herself from repeating it.
Notes: Written for cmpromptmeme (round 1; 12/17/11) and angst_bingo "hunger"
***
It starts out small, so small that Ashley hardly notices.
She starts weighing herself more than her mentally allotted once a month until it's a near daily thing and she's telling herself lies about how her coworkers probably do the same to make sure they're staying physically fit.
But it moves to obsessing about food, thinking about it all the time, wondering if she can eat another serving of Garcia's “death mac and cheese” and not gain weight, and that's what it takes for her to notice. Before she can stop herself, she's pushing her food around on her plate, rearranging it and hoping no one is watching closely enough to realize that she's only eating half of her meal at most. Accidentally skipping a meal because you're busy with a case is normalized behavior at the BAU, so she's sure the team hasn't picked up on her troubling behavior, at least not yet. She doesn't want to believe they know, not because of the shame that has overwhelmed her in the past, but because she can't stand the idea that they know and aren't doing anything to stop her.
Then there are the rationalizations. "But I eat just fine on the weekends; people watching me eat makes me nervous" and "It's not as bad as it was; I'll be alright" and "I'm really only skipping a few meals here and there; it's nothing to worry about" and "I've only lost three pounds in two months; that's normal."
None of the rationalizations explain the emotional hunger that's been gnawing at her heart though.
Her therapist, all those years ago, had told her, "If you feel it coming back, there's no shame in returning for more therapy." Perhaps it was youthful arrogance, but Ashley scoffed at the idea that anorexia would ever have any control over her again. Why would it? She never really considered slipping up would ever be an issue because she had worked so hard to beat it and came away with more than a few healthy coping strategies. Hell, it had been gone for so long that she had missed the earliest sign.
She knows the main reason it's back - they call the BAU "the pressure cooker" and for good reason. They let her into the most prestigious unit, despite the fact that she's just a rookie, and she feels so much pressure to be perfect, to prove she belongs there, to make sure more people don't die. She thinks of her father and all the people he killed. There's a part of her that feels like she's trying to pay back his debt to society because serving time in a maximum facility isn't real penance - it doesn't bring people back from the dead. Her job allows her the ability to stop people like him, to stem the flow of victims, to keep families from going through the trauma she witnessed firsthand at her father's trial.
When Prentiss dies, she stops wanting to eat all together. Most people would think it was grief and sure, part of it is, but she knows better - she's slipping from disordered eating into eating disorder. She wonders if Prentiss is watching her and what she'd think if she knew what Ashley has been doing for the past few months.
With that thought in mind, she picks up the phone and dials the one number she thought she'd never need again.
Author: freakingdork
Rating: FRT
Word Count: 604
Warnings: eating disorders
Summary/Prompt: Seaver has a history of anorexia linked to wanting to be the perfect daughter, but she beat it and thought it would never be an issue again. When she is in the BAU and under new stress, she notices the signs of that behavior manifesting again and tries to stop herself from repeating it.
Notes: Written for cmpromptmeme (round 1; 12/17/11) and angst_bingo "hunger"
***
It starts out small, so small that Ashley hardly notices.
She starts weighing herself more than her mentally allotted once a month until it's a near daily thing and she's telling herself lies about how her coworkers probably do the same to make sure they're staying physically fit.
But it moves to obsessing about food, thinking about it all the time, wondering if she can eat another serving of Garcia's “death mac and cheese” and not gain weight, and that's what it takes for her to notice. Before she can stop herself, she's pushing her food around on her plate, rearranging it and hoping no one is watching closely enough to realize that she's only eating half of her meal at most. Accidentally skipping a meal because you're busy with a case is normalized behavior at the BAU, so she's sure the team hasn't picked up on her troubling behavior, at least not yet. She doesn't want to believe they know, not because of the shame that has overwhelmed her in the past, but because she can't stand the idea that they know and aren't doing anything to stop her.
Then there are the rationalizations. "But I eat just fine on the weekends; people watching me eat makes me nervous" and "It's not as bad as it was; I'll be alright" and "I'm really only skipping a few meals here and there; it's nothing to worry about" and "I've only lost three pounds in two months; that's normal."
None of the rationalizations explain the emotional hunger that's been gnawing at her heart though.
Her therapist, all those years ago, had told her, "If you feel it coming back, there's no shame in returning for more therapy." Perhaps it was youthful arrogance, but Ashley scoffed at the idea that anorexia would ever have any control over her again. Why would it? She never really considered slipping up would ever be an issue because she had worked so hard to beat it and came away with more than a few healthy coping strategies. Hell, it had been gone for so long that she had missed the earliest sign.
She knows the main reason it's back - they call the BAU "the pressure cooker" and for good reason. They let her into the most prestigious unit, despite the fact that she's just a rookie, and she feels so much pressure to be perfect, to prove she belongs there, to make sure more people don't die. She thinks of her father and all the people he killed. There's a part of her that feels like she's trying to pay back his debt to society because serving time in a maximum facility isn't real penance - it doesn't bring people back from the dead. Her job allows her the ability to stop people like him, to stem the flow of victims, to keep families from going through the trauma she witnessed firsthand at her father's trial.
When Prentiss dies, she stops wanting to eat all together. Most people would think it was grief and sure, part of it is, but she knows better - she's slipping from disordered eating into eating disorder. She wonders if Prentiss is watching her and what she'd think if she knew what Ashley has been doing for the past few months.
With that thought in mind, she picks up the phone and dials the one number she thought she'd never need again.