Fic: A Glitch In My Soul [2/7?]
Title: A Glitch In My Soul - Chapter 2 - A Glitch In My Soul
Author: freakingdork
Pairing: Morgan/Reid
Rating: FRAO
Word Count: 2222
Summary & Disclaimer: please refer to chapter 1
Chapter Warnings: non-graphic mentions of past non-con (mostly canon, some non-canon) and drug abuse
*****
Chapter 2 - A Glitch In My Soul
*****
As soon as Derek laid eyes on the church's latest visitor, he knew he was doomed; the man was just his type and reminded him of someone he'd worked with in Miami. Sure, he had a thing for skinny white boys, but the defined cheekbones, hair long enough to really sink your fingers in and pull, and the charm in his little half-smiles reminded him far too much of Ken and that was Not Good. Any thoughts of Ken inevitably led to thoughts of stripping and sex and drugs and left Derek wanting to fall as far off his new narrow path as possible.
It ends up being Emily who goads him into talking to the new guy.
"I mean, he's gotta be new to the whole church thing," she suggests, "or else he wouldn't look like he's...well you know."
He nods and really hopes she'll drop it because the guy looks positively appetizing.
"You should talk to him."
"What?" he asks. It seems like the worst possible idea, though he figures Emily isn't thinking about how tempting the guy might be to him.
"Well, most everyone is avoiding him and if someone isn't friendly soon, he'll probably give up and leave without even trying therapy. C'mon, you're so good with people and you don't want him to get away, do you?"
No, he doesn't and that's the main problem.
The ensuing conversation with Spencer leaves him more than a little lost. Derek had thought he'd been doing okay with his feelings towards men, but the itch he can't scratch is definitely back in full force.
“How'd it go?” Emily whispers as they sat in their usual pew.
“I think he's hooked,” Derek replies, even though he's sure it's the other way around.
***
While it isn't surprising that Spencer shows up to the next group meeting two days later, it's still unsettling. Emily nudges him with her elbow and smiles, happy that her plan had worked. Spencer grins and gives him a meager wave, but doesn't come over. Instead, he grabs some coffee and Derek watches, nearly hypnotized by the way Spencer's long fingers hold the spoon as he adds in the sugar. When the group's leader finally strolls in, everyone seats themselves in the circle of chairs.
“Well, it looks like we have someone new today,” Jason states and Spencer gives a quick nod. “I'm Jason Gideon and I'm in charge here. I hope we can make you feel welcome because we'd love for you to continue to come to meetings.”
Jason pauses until Spencer offers his name and adds “I'm umm...trying to get control of my sinful urges and live the life God wants me to?”
“Good,” Jason praises, practically purring. “Now I usually like to have a general idea of where my members are at in their healing process and their history, but it'd be a bit unfair to make you share when we're all basically strangers to you. Is there anyone who'd like to share first?”
When no one responds, Jason prompts, “We all want Spencer to feel welcome here, right?”
Derek is surprised when Elle stands up; she's an intensely private person who had only recently started talking again after about six months of shutting them out.
“My mom was an alcoholic and she couldn't hold down a job after my dad died on the job, so we lived with my uncle. He molested me until I moved out and I've been raped by two other men since then,” Elle states, flat and factual. “Oh, and I like woman.”
She practically glares at Jason, perhaps challenging him to say something about the rapes. After a brief nod from him to show that she'd met his requirement, she sits down, arms crossed as if to shield herself from further discomfort. Derek knows she likely blames Jason for setting her up with Randall and William and he thought she had every right to do so. Jason may not have realized at the time that they were abusive men looking to “correct” Elle's sexuality, but Derek is uncomfortable with the way Jason has continued to justify his actions and the fact that Elle had been pressured to not report them. Instead, the men had been quietly kicked out of the church and that doesn't sit right with Derek either.
Adam stands next and begins laying out his painful past of his father dressing him in his dead mother's clothes before sexually abusing him, his eyes turned to the floor and his whole body shaking. Derek knows all of their stories - Steven's mother is dead, his stepmother is resentful and uncaring, and his father used to practice choke holds on him, probably still does; Emily had a cold, distant mother, there was her experimentation with drugs as a teen, and she never formed proper attachments due to being moved every few years; Nathan claims no trauma, he was just born that way, which Jason has never accepted; and supposedly Tobias had been abused by his “babysitter.” Derek hates doubting a survivor's story in any way, but it isn't that he doesn't believe Tobias had been abused. No, Tobias had more likely been abused by more than just one person, though Derek isn't sure who, and he often wonders if anyone else sees it too.
There are so many things Derek could say about himself and they painfully race through his brain. Most of them are things that the group doesn't even know about, things they couldn't understand. He's convinced that if the courts had sent him to live with his auntie instead of his grandparents, things would have been completely different.
As Tobias finishes his story, Derek sighs and stands up. “My parents died when I was just a kid, about a year apart, and my sisters and I were sent to live with her parents. They were...well, they didn't like us much, never approved of my parents' marriage, so I spent a lot of time at this youth center. The director there, Buford...he coached football and abused me until I went off college.” He takes a deep breath, trying to keep the memories at bay. “A few years ago, when I was at the worst of my addiction, I was working as a cop during the day and stripping in an all-men revue and doing drugs at night. I've been here for about three years, working on getting rid of my unhealthy urges.”
He takes a quick glance at Spencer's face, expecting a look of disgust, but there's no disgust to be found; Derek isn't sure if the empathy in Spencer's eyes is better or worse than what he'd been expecting.
Spencer looks expectantly at Jason, clearly waiting for his story, and Derek wants to laugh. Jason refuses to share his story in group; apparently they're supposed to read his two autobiographies before attending their weekly meetings.
“Well Spencer, do you feel more comfortable to share now?”
“Uh, sure,” he says, rising out of his seat. “I was always ummm...sensitive and my dad tried to get me into baseball to, you know, help, but I was absolutely terrible at it. He left when I was ten, left me with my chronically ill mother who could hardly take care of herself, much less me. Kids at school bullied me. I did have one friend, Ethan, who was a couple years older than me and we...dated, I guess, but then he became an alcoholic and I started using drugs and I realized how...unhealthy homosexuality is.” Spencer pauses. “Umm...that's pretty much it?”
Spencer looks at Jason and thankfully, Jason nods his approval. The poor kid had looked so nervous by the end that Derek isn't sure what he'd have done if Jason hadn't accepted his testimony.
There's a few other things they discuss before the end of the meeting, but Derek finds himself unable to concentrate on them. Instead, he wonders about Spencer, a loop of thoughts that range from friendly to unhealthy. Derek knows he should stay as far away from Spencer as possible if he truly wants to keep himself from making choices he'll later regret.
So why does he feel jealous when he catches Spencer making plans to get coffee with Emily in a few days?
***
Lusting over someone who isn't yours is a sin, so by default, watching pornography is sinful. Derek isn't sure God would mind too much though, knowing that he's only watching it to help get rid of his unnatural urges and replace them with more natural ones. Jason had certainly hinted at it anyway.
Finding something that interests him is difficult though. Too much of it is overproduced and he isn't even sure if most of the women are actually enjoying it, which is disturbing and makes him feel uncomfortable. He doesn't even want to think about how painful those fake nails are when the women masturbate. Besides, he finds that “big, black cock” and other representations of people of color from porn companies tend to be rather offensive and demeaning. So he settles on trying to find “homemade” porn, figuring that depictions of couples in a loving and committed relationship are possibly less sinful and more instructive than mainstream porn.
It takes him awhile to find a video that at least somewhat interests him. The girl is skinny and cute and he can admit she has a pretty face, full of expression. Derek tries his hardest to focus on just her face and her small, pert breasts, nothing lower; still, it's hard not to glance at the man pounding into her. He isn't really Derek's type - too muscular, bulky instead of thin and compact - but he keeps peeking at the man's cock.
From what he'd seen just before he moved the video past the blowjob to get to the penetrative sex, the other man's cock is gorgeous and proportionate to the man's body. The more Derek thinks about it - the way it curves slightly to the left and how prominent one of the veins is - the harder he gets and he knows how problematic that is, especially considering that he's trying to convince his brain that he can be attracted to women. He tries his best to refocus himself, staring at the face of the woman, but he can't stop thinking about the man's cock. The sounds of the man's balls, heavy with arousal, smacking against the woman are loud in his head.
When the woman climbs into the man's lap and starts fucking him that way, Derek realizes the reason the woman is even the slightest bit appealing - with her small chest and short hair, she's more androgynous than the women in mainstream porn. And now that just her back is facing the camera, he can almost pretend she's a guy. Derek jerks himself harder to her golden brown hair and lithe figure, to the memory of her high cheekbones as she continues fucking the man vigorously.
The picture of Spencer riding him like that pops into his head just before he comes.
And as the shame and guilt leave him choking for air, Derek knows he's well and truly fucked.
***
Derek can't admit to having such sinful thoughts about another group member in his one-on-one session with Jason because experience had taught him that one of them would likely be kicked out. It'd probably be Spencer and the thought that it might turn him back to the homosexual lifestyle would be too great a burden to bear. He figures God would probably forgive him for a little white lie since it's to protect someone's attempt to get better.
"Uh, I need to confess something that I....well, I should have talked about earlier."
Jason raises an eyebrow, but says nothing. That generally isn't a good sign.
"For awhile now, I've been having...feelings about one of my coworkers. It's well known in the department that he's a practicing homosexual and it's not like I can completely cut him out of my life, you know?" Derek says. "I'm stuck seeing him on a regular basis and I don't know what to do."
"Have you been talking to God about it?"
"Of course I have," Derek says before swallowing hard. It isn't a lie, but that doesn't particular matter since he still feels like he hasn't tried hard enough.
"Maybe you should pray harder, more often," Jason states, as if it's that simple, as if he knows Derek feels like he hasn't been trying hard enough. "You could talk about it in the next group session. It's always better to have others praying too, especially when they know exactly what to pray for."
"Yeah, I suppose that could help."
Jason smiles. "Good, I'm glad you trust us enough to bring it up. Before we end tonight, I was thinking we could do some hug therapy."
Derek squirms in his seat. "I don't think I could handle it after...all this."
"You'll never get better if you can't learn to trust other men in loving but platonic ways. You want to get better, don't you?" Jason asks.
"Okay, okay, but just for a bit."
And really, hugging isn't that bad compared to what his last leader had done.
*****
A/N -
1) So I do have reasons behind why I killed Fran and sent Morgan and his siblings off to his (white) grandparents. The short answer is this: Morgan's canonical past did not lead him to following such a strict path, so something had to change. The longer answer is going up on my fic tumblr (fdorkfic), tagged “exgay extras.”
2) Also, Ken is the ONLY non-CM character that will show up in this fic. Feel free to blame Shelby and the fact that Shemar should have been in Magic Mike for that addition.
Author: freakingdork
Pairing: Morgan/Reid
Rating: FRAO
Word Count: 2222
Summary & Disclaimer: please refer to chapter 1
Chapter Warnings: non-graphic mentions of past non-con (mostly canon, some non-canon) and drug abuse
*****
Chapter 2 - A Glitch In My Soul
*****
As soon as Derek laid eyes on the church's latest visitor, he knew he was doomed; the man was just his type and reminded him of someone he'd worked with in Miami. Sure, he had a thing for skinny white boys, but the defined cheekbones, hair long enough to really sink your fingers in and pull, and the charm in his little half-smiles reminded him far too much of Ken and that was Not Good. Any thoughts of Ken inevitably led to thoughts of stripping and sex and drugs and left Derek wanting to fall as far off his new narrow path as possible.
It ends up being Emily who goads him into talking to the new guy.
"I mean, he's gotta be new to the whole church thing," she suggests, "or else he wouldn't look like he's...well you know."
He nods and really hopes she'll drop it because the guy looks positively appetizing.
"You should talk to him."
"What?" he asks. It seems like the worst possible idea, though he figures Emily isn't thinking about how tempting the guy might be to him.
"Well, most everyone is avoiding him and if someone isn't friendly soon, he'll probably give up and leave without even trying therapy. C'mon, you're so good with people and you don't want him to get away, do you?"
No, he doesn't and that's the main problem.
The ensuing conversation with Spencer leaves him more than a little lost. Derek had thought he'd been doing okay with his feelings towards men, but the itch he can't scratch is definitely back in full force.
“How'd it go?” Emily whispers as they sat in their usual pew.
“I think he's hooked,” Derek replies, even though he's sure it's the other way around.
***
While it isn't surprising that Spencer shows up to the next group meeting two days later, it's still unsettling. Emily nudges him with her elbow and smiles, happy that her plan had worked. Spencer grins and gives him a meager wave, but doesn't come over. Instead, he grabs some coffee and Derek watches, nearly hypnotized by the way Spencer's long fingers hold the spoon as he adds in the sugar. When the group's leader finally strolls in, everyone seats themselves in the circle of chairs.
“Well, it looks like we have someone new today,” Jason states and Spencer gives a quick nod. “I'm Jason Gideon and I'm in charge here. I hope we can make you feel welcome because we'd love for you to continue to come to meetings.”
Jason pauses until Spencer offers his name and adds “I'm umm...trying to get control of my sinful urges and live the life God wants me to?”
“Good,” Jason praises, practically purring. “Now I usually like to have a general idea of where my members are at in their healing process and their history, but it'd be a bit unfair to make you share when we're all basically strangers to you. Is there anyone who'd like to share first?”
When no one responds, Jason prompts, “We all want Spencer to feel welcome here, right?”
Derek is surprised when Elle stands up; she's an intensely private person who had only recently started talking again after about six months of shutting them out.
“My mom was an alcoholic and she couldn't hold down a job after my dad died on the job, so we lived with my uncle. He molested me until I moved out and I've been raped by two other men since then,” Elle states, flat and factual. “Oh, and I like woman.”
She practically glares at Jason, perhaps challenging him to say something about the rapes. After a brief nod from him to show that she'd met his requirement, she sits down, arms crossed as if to shield herself from further discomfort. Derek knows she likely blames Jason for setting her up with Randall and William and he thought she had every right to do so. Jason may not have realized at the time that they were abusive men looking to “correct” Elle's sexuality, but Derek is uncomfortable with the way Jason has continued to justify his actions and the fact that Elle had been pressured to not report them. Instead, the men had been quietly kicked out of the church and that doesn't sit right with Derek either.
Adam stands next and begins laying out his painful past of his father dressing him in his dead mother's clothes before sexually abusing him, his eyes turned to the floor and his whole body shaking. Derek knows all of their stories - Steven's mother is dead, his stepmother is resentful and uncaring, and his father used to practice choke holds on him, probably still does; Emily had a cold, distant mother, there was her experimentation with drugs as a teen, and she never formed proper attachments due to being moved every few years; Nathan claims no trauma, he was just born that way, which Jason has never accepted; and supposedly Tobias had been abused by his “babysitter.” Derek hates doubting a survivor's story in any way, but it isn't that he doesn't believe Tobias had been abused. No, Tobias had more likely been abused by more than just one person, though Derek isn't sure who, and he often wonders if anyone else sees it too.
There are so many things Derek could say about himself and they painfully race through his brain. Most of them are things that the group doesn't even know about, things they couldn't understand. He's convinced that if the courts had sent him to live with his auntie instead of his grandparents, things would have been completely different.
As Tobias finishes his story, Derek sighs and stands up. “My parents died when I was just a kid, about a year apart, and my sisters and I were sent to live with her parents. They were...well, they didn't like us much, never approved of my parents' marriage, so I spent a lot of time at this youth center. The director there, Buford...he coached football and abused me until I went off college.” He takes a deep breath, trying to keep the memories at bay. “A few years ago, when I was at the worst of my addiction, I was working as a cop during the day and stripping in an all-men revue and doing drugs at night. I've been here for about three years, working on getting rid of my unhealthy urges.”
He takes a quick glance at Spencer's face, expecting a look of disgust, but there's no disgust to be found; Derek isn't sure if the empathy in Spencer's eyes is better or worse than what he'd been expecting.
Spencer looks expectantly at Jason, clearly waiting for his story, and Derek wants to laugh. Jason refuses to share his story in group; apparently they're supposed to read his two autobiographies before attending their weekly meetings.
“Well Spencer, do you feel more comfortable to share now?”
“Uh, sure,” he says, rising out of his seat. “I was always ummm...sensitive and my dad tried to get me into baseball to, you know, help, but I was absolutely terrible at it. He left when I was ten, left me with my chronically ill mother who could hardly take care of herself, much less me. Kids at school bullied me. I did have one friend, Ethan, who was a couple years older than me and we...dated, I guess, but then he became an alcoholic and I started using drugs and I realized how...unhealthy homosexuality is.” Spencer pauses. “Umm...that's pretty much it?”
Spencer looks at Jason and thankfully, Jason nods his approval. The poor kid had looked so nervous by the end that Derek isn't sure what he'd have done if Jason hadn't accepted his testimony.
There's a few other things they discuss before the end of the meeting, but Derek finds himself unable to concentrate on them. Instead, he wonders about Spencer, a loop of thoughts that range from friendly to unhealthy. Derek knows he should stay as far away from Spencer as possible if he truly wants to keep himself from making choices he'll later regret.
So why does he feel jealous when he catches Spencer making plans to get coffee with Emily in a few days?
***
Lusting over someone who isn't yours is a sin, so by default, watching pornography is sinful. Derek isn't sure God would mind too much though, knowing that he's only watching it to help get rid of his unnatural urges and replace them with more natural ones. Jason had certainly hinted at it anyway.
Finding something that interests him is difficult though. Too much of it is overproduced and he isn't even sure if most of the women are actually enjoying it, which is disturbing and makes him feel uncomfortable. He doesn't even want to think about how painful those fake nails are when the women masturbate. Besides, he finds that “big, black cock” and other representations of people of color from porn companies tend to be rather offensive and demeaning. So he settles on trying to find “homemade” porn, figuring that depictions of couples in a loving and committed relationship are possibly less sinful and more instructive than mainstream porn.
It takes him awhile to find a video that at least somewhat interests him. The girl is skinny and cute and he can admit she has a pretty face, full of expression. Derek tries his hardest to focus on just her face and her small, pert breasts, nothing lower; still, it's hard not to glance at the man pounding into her. He isn't really Derek's type - too muscular, bulky instead of thin and compact - but he keeps peeking at the man's cock.
From what he'd seen just before he moved the video past the blowjob to get to the penetrative sex, the other man's cock is gorgeous and proportionate to the man's body. The more Derek thinks about it - the way it curves slightly to the left and how prominent one of the veins is - the harder he gets and he knows how problematic that is, especially considering that he's trying to convince his brain that he can be attracted to women. He tries his best to refocus himself, staring at the face of the woman, but he can't stop thinking about the man's cock. The sounds of the man's balls, heavy with arousal, smacking against the woman are loud in his head.
When the woman climbs into the man's lap and starts fucking him that way, Derek realizes the reason the woman is even the slightest bit appealing - with her small chest and short hair, she's more androgynous than the women in mainstream porn. And now that just her back is facing the camera, he can almost pretend she's a guy. Derek jerks himself harder to her golden brown hair and lithe figure, to the memory of her high cheekbones as she continues fucking the man vigorously.
The picture of Spencer riding him like that pops into his head just before he comes.
And as the shame and guilt leave him choking for air, Derek knows he's well and truly fucked.
***
Derek can't admit to having such sinful thoughts about another group member in his one-on-one session with Jason because experience had taught him that one of them would likely be kicked out. It'd probably be Spencer and the thought that it might turn him back to the homosexual lifestyle would be too great a burden to bear. He figures God would probably forgive him for a little white lie since it's to protect someone's attempt to get better.
"Uh, I need to confess something that I....well, I should have talked about earlier."
Jason raises an eyebrow, but says nothing. That generally isn't a good sign.
"For awhile now, I've been having...feelings about one of my coworkers. It's well known in the department that he's a practicing homosexual and it's not like I can completely cut him out of my life, you know?" Derek says. "I'm stuck seeing him on a regular basis and I don't know what to do."
"Have you been talking to God about it?"
"Of course I have," Derek says before swallowing hard. It isn't a lie, but that doesn't particular matter since he still feels like he hasn't tried hard enough.
"Maybe you should pray harder, more often," Jason states, as if it's that simple, as if he knows Derek feels like he hasn't been trying hard enough. "You could talk about it in the next group session. It's always better to have others praying too, especially when they know exactly what to pray for."
"Yeah, I suppose that could help."
Jason smiles. "Good, I'm glad you trust us enough to bring it up. Before we end tonight, I was thinking we could do some hug therapy."
Derek squirms in his seat. "I don't think I could handle it after...all this."
"You'll never get better if you can't learn to trust other men in loving but platonic ways. You want to get better, don't you?" Jason asks.
"Okay, okay, but just for a bit."
And really, hugging isn't that bad compared to what his last leader had done.
*****
A/N -
1) So I do have reasons behind why I killed Fran and sent Morgan and his siblings off to his (white) grandparents. The short answer is this: Morgan's canonical past did not lead him to following such a strict path, so something had to change. The longer answer is going up on my fic tumblr (fdorkfic), tagged “exgay extras.”
2) Also, Ken is the ONLY non-CM character that will show up in this fic. Feel free to blame Shelby and the fact that Shemar should have been in Magic Mike for that addition.