For: hyel, Finding My Way
Title: Finding My Way
Author: aingeal8c
Recipient: hyel
Pairing & Rating: Fraser/Vecchio, PG
Word count: 2314
Summary: Fraser knows what he's missing, now he's waiting, hoping and moping.
Disclaimer: I don't own them, I don't make money from them but I do enjoy borrowing them.
Author's Notes: Thank you to the lovely leda_speaks for supportive beta.
Finding My Way
Benton Fraser sighed as he turned away from the window. It was a beautiful day, a perfect day to be outside. Yet Fraser had no inclination to be outside. He was supposed to thrive on barren rocks and snow but lately he hadn't been thriving. He knew why but he just couldn't admit it to himself. He missed Ray Vecchio, he'd been missing him for so long now he couldn't remember not missing him.
Unfortunately, Ray wasn't with him. Fraser had driven away everybody else but it hadn't brought Ray back. Fraser had lost interest in maintaining relationships since the one that had really mattered to him had seemingly gone away for good. Fraser picked up a book and sat down. He wasn't paying much attention to the words; he didn't pay attention to anything much these days. He was contemplating trying another book when he heard a knock at the door.
Wearily, he got up. He wasn't expecting anyone, there were no supplies due, and very few people knew he was here. Yet he saw the knocking more as an intrusion than a danger. Still, he picked up his father's rifle as he made his way over to the door.
He flung it open but didn't raise his gun for there, standing in his doorway, wearing another ridiculous snow suit, was Ray Vecchio.
Fraser stood open mouthed for a few moments. It was all he could do to force out the word 'Ray?'. He lowered the gun to the floor, out of the way and waited for some sort of confirmation that this was indeed the man he had been waiting for, without even knowing he had been waiting.
Ray simply stood there and grinned. “You still don't have a phone, Fraser.”
“It's rather difficult, Ray, the phone lines nearest to here are several kilometres away,” Fraser babbled, words coming easily with Ray in front of him, now he knew it was indeed Ray.
“So get them to build some this way. Save me freezing my butt off.”
Fraser noticed Ray stomping his feet and stood back to allow his friend entrance. “Come in, Ray. What are you doing here?”
“What do you mean; 'what am I doing here?'” Ray sounded annoyed. Fraser had missed that tone. “I came to see you. I would have called but you don't have a phone.”
“You could have called the post,” Fraser pointed out; he would have been happy with any kind of contact with Ray.
“Yeah, and have a bunch of Mounties asking me about you.”
“I would think it would be the other way around, Ray.”
“The other way around?”
“Them asking about you.” Fraser had talked enough about Ray the past few months.
“And what would you say?”
“About what?”
“About me?”
“That you were a close friend from Chicago,” Fraser replied. It was a simplification, there was more to Ray than that, there was more to both of them than that.
“And I am?”
“Yes, Ray.” Fraser offered a chair to Ray and they sat down opposite each other. Ray just being in the cabin seemed to light it up. Fraser took a few moments to bask in Ray's presence. “Seeing you here, it's a surprise, Ray.”
“A good surprise, right?”
Fraser nodded. It was the greatest surprise he'd ever had. “Yes, Ray. After you didn't write, I was worried you didn't want to maintain our friendship.”
Ray sighed. “I can't write letters, Benny, not like you can. I mean, I wrote about how me and Stella never worked out and how I ended up back in Chicago but that's because I had to tell you that, it was big news. After that I could have written to you about how I waxed and detailed the Riv, how I went to get Ma a head of lettuce for dinner, but that's not good enough to tell you.”
“I would have appreciated any news, Ray,” Fraser said. Hearing about those things would have been exactly the sort of thing he'd have enjoyed reading about.
“Even if I needed a new furnace for the house?”
“Yes, Ray. I missed the little details,” he admitted.
“Did you miss me?”
Fraser picked up on the needy tone in Ray's voice. “Yes, Ray. Very much.”
“You did?”
“I wrote to you twice a day, Ray,” Fraser pointed out.
“I thought you were just bored, nothing up here to do except watch polar bears.”
“I wouldn't write to you out of boredom, Ray,” Fraser said. He'd genuinely enjoyed writing to Ray, it helped him imagine that Ray was there. “Though it did help pass the time after Detective Kowalski left,” he admitted.
Ray leaned forward and put a hand on Fraser's. “Hey, Benny, I'm sorry about that.”
“It's all right, Ray, he needed to find things out for himself and he couldn't do that here. Not with me.”
Ray leaned back. He looked much more...aware than Fraser could remember. He had a slight smile forming. “I heard you weren't exactly great company.”
“I was missing you, Ray.”
To Fraser's delight Ray leaned forward again. “Yeah, I was missing you too.” Ray ran a hand over Fraser's. He paused. “Hey, I missed Dief too, where is he?”
Fraser looked down at the floor. “He's in the barn, Ray. Sulking.”
“I thought you said wolves don't sulk.”
Fraser caught the joke but didn't show he had. “I'm not sure how else to explain Dief's behaviour.”
“You were tough on him, too?”
Fraser nodded. “I'm afraid I said some words that I shouldn't have and Diefenbaker hasn't forgiven me for not taking his advice.”
“The wolf gave you advice?”
“Yes,” Fraser cleared his throat and looked up. Seeing Ray made him wish he had taken Dief's advice. “He thought we should go to Florida, while you were there.”
Ray smiled. “He did, did he?”
“Yes. He tried to persuade me it was a good idea. I didn't listen,” Fraser's regret was plain in his voice.
“Most people don't listen to wolves, Fraser.”
“When they're your friend you should,” Fraser said, sadly, he should have listened to another friend.
A silence descended on the cabin. Not the solitary silence of Fraser's self imposed exile but a gentle calm silence.
It was Ray who broke it. “You're lonely up here aren't you?”
Fraser met Ray's eyes. “I've been lonely since...” He couldn't admit it, not yet.
“Since I screwed up.”
“You were doing your duty, Ray,” Fraser told him, earnestly. He'd never been angry at Ray for that.
“My duty was to lock you and me in your apartment and not come out for a year.”
Fraser was thoughtful. “We would have had to come out at some point, Ray, in order to get food and supplies, and possibly go to work.”
Ray shrugged, not an easy task in his snow suit. “So we'd have our food delivered and we'd take a years vacation.”
“We couldn't live on take out, Ray,” Fraser replied, trying to keep the amusement out of his voice. He loved the idea of being alone with Ray for a year.
“Hey, we wouldn't just be eating pizza. We'd have my mother delivering food. Or maybe my sister.”
“Are you sure about your sister?” Fraser joked, boldly.
“Yeah, maybe not.”
“And during this year we'd....”
“Be together.”
“Are you sure you wouldn't be annoyed, Ray, just being with me for a year?” Fraser knew the way he did things sometimes got on Ray's nerves.
“Oh, yeah, you'd drive me nuts.”
Fraser frowned, slightly confused. “So, why would you want to stay alone with me in my apartment for a year?”
“Because I love you and you annoying me makes me love you more,” Ray explained.
“That's not very logical, Ray.”
“Love never is logical. Love is supposed to be illogical. It's about wanting to be locked up in with you for a year in a run-down apartment that smells of damp wolf.”
Fraser knew Ray had his own logic, one he couldn't disagree with. Love wasn't logical, he knew that, he'd spent far too much time trying to make it so. Maybe he should just go with the emotion. “What would we do, Ray?” Fraser asked, a slight glint in his eyes.
“You know damn well what we'd do.”
“Ah.” It was a wonderful thought to do that, for a year, with Ray.
“I mean, not all the time. Sometimes it's nice to just be with you. Like now.”
"You're enjoying this?” Fraser had found himself more alive since Ray's arrival than for months before, but he didn't know what Ray would be enjoying.
“Yeah. I mean, apart from the guilt.”
Fraser stood up and touched Ray's shoulder. “Ray, you have no reason to feel guilty.”
“Yes, I do. I was an idiot.”
Fraser kept his hand on Ray, as if he was feeling the guilt too. “I would have done the same thing, Ray.”
“Would you? Would you have left the man you love without even a goodbye note?”
“You left me a note, Ray,” Fraser replied.
“It was a postcard.” Ray's tone was bitter.
Fraser glanced in the direction of said postcard, safely locked away in the drawer under the bookcase. “But it told me everything I needed to know. That would loved me and that you would return.”
“And I did, and I screwed it up by getting drunk and thinking I loved Stella.”
“You didn't love her?”
Ray stood up and took Fraser's hands in his own. “Not like I love you.”
“I had hoped...I mean no offence to former assistant state's attorney Kowalski. Is she still using her married name?”
Ray shook his head. “Yeah, did you think she was going to switch to DuBois?”
“I'm honestly not sure, Ray.” The break, the gentle teasing, gave Fraser the confidence to get the words out. Ray going and doing his duty had hurt him, but he couldn't blame Ray for it. He had blamed Ray for leaving him once he'd returned, however.
“What were you saying?” Ray asked, breaking Fraser's train of thought.
“Oh, yes, no offence to Ms Kowalski. Should that be Ms? I mean, obviously she's not going by her married title. And of course Ms would make one assume that Kowalski was her married name.”
“Stella.”
Fraser appreciated Ray's patience. Despite all the nights of planning how to say this, it was hard with Ray right there in front of him. “Ah. Yes, so, no offence to Stella but I am glad that you don't love her the way you love me. Or that you ever loved her like you love me. Did you ever love her like me?”
“No, Benny.”
“Oh, good. And just so we're clear, Ray...”
“I know, I know, you never loved anyone like you love me.”
Ray knew, had always known. And Fraser had known that he had known. “Yes. Exactly.”
“So, we're even Steven?”
“I didn't think anybody said that any more, Ray?” There was no tension left between them.
“Well, I'm making an exception.”
“Thank you, Ray. Yes, we are even Steven.”
Ray lowered his voice. “This is the part where you kiss me, Benny.”
“I was waiting for you to kiss me, Ray.”
“How about we kiss each other?” Ray suggested.
“All right, Ray,” Fraser took a deep breath.
“One.”
It was testament to their understanding that neither of them waited for the word three. On the word one they wrapped their arms around each other and achieved a perfect joining of lips. This was what it was it was about, re-establishing the connection they had, had never really lost. The taste, the touch and the smell, all perfect.
They pulled back, flushed. “You want to do that again?”
“Yes, Ray.”
They came together again, this time deepening the kiss. Fraser had forgotten how good Ray's kisses were. Of course, he'd tried to remember the softness of Ray's lips, the gentle stroking with his tongue, the tasting, but none of it it really compared to the real thing. So distracted were they they didn't hear the door to the cabin open and Diefenbaker bound in. He leapt up and got their attention.
“Hey, Dief,” Ray gave Fraser another gentle kiss and leaned down to greet the wolf.
“He seems pleased to see you, Ray,” Fraser noted, the wagging tail clearly showing Dief was indeed pleased. So was Fraser.
“Yeah, well, he'll get bored of me when I'm living here,” Ray replied giving Dief a gentle ruffle is his fur.
Fraser was taken aback. “Living? Here?”
“Yeah. If you want me to,” Ray finished petting Dief and took Fraser into his arms. “It's not Florida, Benny, but it's got you.” Ray emphasised his point with a kiss.
“What do you think Dief?” Fraser asked, smiling.
“You're asking the wolf for an opinion?”
“It's his home too,” Fraser pointed out. It was home. Here, the three of them, this was home.
“Fine.”
Dief barked.
“Are you sure?” Fraser asked, teasing Ray.
Die barked again.
“Well then, welcome home, Ray.”
“He said yes?”
“Yes, Ray. And I would be honoured if you would live here. With me.”
Dief woofed.
“And Diefenbaker,” he added.
“Great.”
“Is this the part where we kiss again, Ray?” Fraser asked, already moving in for a kiss.
“Yeah, Benny, it is.”
“Mmmmmm. You know I'm going to like living here,” Ray said in between yet another kiss. “One thing though, Benny.”
“Yes, Ray?”
“Could you help me out of this snow suit?”
“Yes, Ray.”
Fraser was only too delighted to help Ray out of his snow suit. Then he introduced Ray to the bed. It might have been a lovely day outside but on this particular day Fraser was very glad to be staying in. Especially now he had a home and someone to share it with.
Author: aingeal8c
Recipient: hyel
Pairing & Rating: Fraser/Vecchio, PG
Word count: 2314
Summary: Fraser knows what he's missing, now he's waiting, hoping and moping.
Disclaimer: I don't own them, I don't make money from them but I do enjoy borrowing them.
Author's Notes: Thank you to the lovely leda_speaks for supportive beta.
Finding My Way
Benton Fraser sighed as he turned away from the window. It was a beautiful day, a perfect day to be outside. Yet Fraser had no inclination to be outside. He was supposed to thrive on barren rocks and snow but lately he hadn't been thriving. He knew why but he just couldn't admit it to himself. He missed Ray Vecchio, he'd been missing him for so long now he couldn't remember not missing him.
Unfortunately, Ray wasn't with him. Fraser had driven away everybody else but it hadn't brought Ray back. Fraser had lost interest in maintaining relationships since the one that had really mattered to him had seemingly gone away for good. Fraser picked up a book and sat down. He wasn't paying much attention to the words; he didn't pay attention to anything much these days. He was contemplating trying another book when he heard a knock at the door.
Wearily, he got up. He wasn't expecting anyone, there were no supplies due, and very few people knew he was here. Yet he saw the knocking more as an intrusion than a danger. Still, he picked up his father's rifle as he made his way over to the door.
He flung it open but didn't raise his gun for there, standing in his doorway, wearing another ridiculous snow suit, was Ray Vecchio.
Fraser stood open mouthed for a few moments. It was all he could do to force out the word 'Ray?'. He lowered the gun to the floor, out of the way and waited for some sort of confirmation that this was indeed the man he had been waiting for, without even knowing he had been waiting.
Ray simply stood there and grinned. “You still don't have a phone, Fraser.”
“It's rather difficult, Ray, the phone lines nearest to here are several kilometres away,” Fraser babbled, words coming easily with Ray in front of him, now he knew it was indeed Ray.
“So get them to build some this way. Save me freezing my butt off.”
Fraser noticed Ray stomping his feet and stood back to allow his friend entrance. “Come in, Ray. What are you doing here?”
“What do you mean; 'what am I doing here?'” Ray sounded annoyed. Fraser had missed that tone. “I came to see you. I would have called but you don't have a phone.”
“You could have called the post,” Fraser pointed out; he would have been happy with any kind of contact with Ray.
“Yeah, and have a bunch of Mounties asking me about you.”
“I would think it would be the other way around, Ray.”
“The other way around?”
“Them asking about you.” Fraser had talked enough about Ray the past few months.
“And what would you say?”
“About what?”
“About me?”
“That you were a close friend from Chicago,” Fraser replied. It was a simplification, there was more to Ray than that, there was more to both of them than that.
“And I am?”
“Yes, Ray.” Fraser offered a chair to Ray and they sat down opposite each other. Ray just being in the cabin seemed to light it up. Fraser took a few moments to bask in Ray's presence. “Seeing you here, it's a surprise, Ray.”
“A good surprise, right?”
Fraser nodded. It was the greatest surprise he'd ever had. “Yes, Ray. After you didn't write, I was worried you didn't want to maintain our friendship.”
Ray sighed. “I can't write letters, Benny, not like you can. I mean, I wrote about how me and Stella never worked out and how I ended up back in Chicago but that's because I had to tell you that, it was big news. After that I could have written to you about how I waxed and detailed the Riv, how I went to get Ma a head of lettuce for dinner, but that's not good enough to tell you.”
“I would have appreciated any news, Ray,” Fraser said. Hearing about those things would have been exactly the sort of thing he'd have enjoyed reading about.
“Even if I needed a new furnace for the house?”
“Yes, Ray. I missed the little details,” he admitted.
“Did you miss me?”
Fraser picked up on the needy tone in Ray's voice. “Yes, Ray. Very much.”
“You did?”
“I wrote to you twice a day, Ray,” Fraser pointed out.
“I thought you were just bored, nothing up here to do except watch polar bears.”
“I wouldn't write to you out of boredom, Ray,” Fraser said. He'd genuinely enjoyed writing to Ray, it helped him imagine that Ray was there. “Though it did help pass the time after Detective Kowalski left,” he admitted.
Ray leaned forward and put a hand on Fraser's. “Hey, Benny, I'm sorry about that.”
“It's all right, Ray, he needed to find things out for himself and he couldn't do that here. Not with me.”
Ray leaned back. He looked much more...aware than Fraser could remember. He had a slight smile forming. “I heard you weren't exactly great company.”
“I was missing you, Ray.”
To Fraser's delight Ray leaned forward again. “Yeah, I was missing you too.” Ray ran a hand over Fraser's. He paused. “Hey, I missed Dief too, where is he?”
Fraser looked down at the floor. “He's in the barn, Ray. Sulking.”
“I thought you said wolves don't sulk.”
Fraser caught the joke but didn't show he had. “I'm not sure how else to explain Dief's behaviour.”
“You were tough on him, too?”
Fraser nodded. “I'm afraid I said some words that I shouldn't have and Diefenbaker hasn't forgiven me for not taking his advice.”
“The wolf gave you advice?”
“Yes,” Fraser cleared his throat and looked up. Seeing Ray made him wish he had taken Dief's advice. “He thought we should go to Florida, while you were there.”
Ray smiled. “He did, did he?”
“Yes. He tried to persuade me it was a good idea. I didn't listen,” Fraser's regret was plain in his voice.
“Most people don't listen to wolves, Fraser.”
“When they're your friend you should,” Fraser said, sadly, he should have listened to another friend.
A silence descended on the cabin. Not the solitary silence of Fraser's self imposed exile but a gentle calm silence.
It was Ray who broke it. “You're lonely up here aren't you?”
Fraser met Ray's eyes. “I've been lonely since...” He couldn't admit it, not yet.
“Since I screwed up.”
“You were doing your duty, Ray,” Fraser told him, earnestly. He'd never been angry at Ray for that.
“My duty was to lock you and me in your apartment and not come out for a year.”
Fraser was thoughtful. “We would have had to come out at some point, Ray, in order to get food and supplies, and possibly go to work.”
Ray shrugged, not an easy task in his snow suit. “So we'd have our food delivered and we'd take a years vacation.”
“We couldn't live on take out, Ray,” Fraser replied, trying to keep the amusement out of his voice. He loved the idea of being alone with Ray for a year.
“Hey, we wouldn't just be eating pizza. We'd have my mother delivering food. Or maybe my sister.”
“Are you sure about your sister?” Fraser joked, boldly.
“Yeah, maybe not.”
“And during this year we'd....”
“Be together.”
“Are you sure you wouldn't be annoyed, Ray, just being with me for a year?” Fraser knew the way he did things sometimes got on Ray's nerves.
“Oh, yeah, you'd drive me nuts.”
Fraser frowned, slightly confused. “So, why would you want to stay alone with me in my apartment for a year?”
“Because I love you and you annoying me makes me love you more,” Ray explained.
“That's not very logical, Ray.”
“Love never is logical. Love is supposed to be illogical. It's about wanting to be locked up in with you for a year in a run-down apartment that smells of damp wolf.”
Fraser knew Ray had his own logic, one he couldn't disagree with. Love wasn't logical, he knew that, he'd spent far too much time trying to make it so. Maybe he should just go with the emotion. “What would we do, Ray?” Fraser asked, a slight glint in his eyes.
“You know damn well what we'd do.”
“Ah.” It was a wonderful thought to do that, for a year, with Ray.
“I mean, not all the time. Sometimes it's nice to just be with you. Like now.”
"You're enjoying this?” Fraser had found himself more alive since Ray's arrival than for months before, but he didn't know what Ray would be enjoying.
“Yeah. I mean, apart from the guilt.”
Fraser stood up and touched Ray's shoulder. “Ray, you have no reason to feel guilty.”
“Yes, I do. I was an idiot.”
Fraser kept his hand on Ray, as if he was feeling the guilt too. “I would have done the same thing, Ray.”
“Would you? Would you have left the man you love without even a goodbye note?”
“You left me a note, Ray,” Fraser replied.
“It was a postcard.” Ray's tone was bitter.
Fraser glanced in the direction of said postcard, safely locked away in the drawer under the bookcase. “But it told me everything I needed to know. That would loved me and that you would return.”
“And I did, and I screwed it up by getting drunk and thinking I loved Stella.”
“You didn't love her?”
Ray stood up and took Fraser's hands in his own. “Not like I love you.”
“I had hoped...I mean no offence to former assistant state's attorney Kowalski. Is she still using her married name?”
Ray shook his head. “Yeah, did you think she was going to switch to DuBois?”
“I'm honestly not sure, Ray.” The break, the gentle teasing, gave Fraser the confidence to get the words out. Ray going and doing his duty had hurt him, but he couldn't blame Ray for it. He had blamed Ray for leaving him once he'd returned, however.
“What were you saying?” Ray asked, breaking Fraser's train of thought.
“Oh, yes, no offence to Ms Kowalski. Should that be Ms? I mean, obviously she's not going by her married title. And of course Ms would make one assume that Kowalski was her married name.”
“Stella.”
Fraser appreciated Ray's patience. Despite all the nights of planning how to say this, it was hard with Ray right there in front of him. “Ah. Yes, so, no offence to Stella but I am glad that you don't love her the way you love me. Or that you ever loved her like you love me. Did you ever love her like me?”
“No, Benny.”
“Oh, good. And just so we're clear, Ray...”
“I know, I know, you never loved anyone like you love me.”
Ray knew, had always known. And Fraser had known that he had known. “Yes. Exactly.”
“So, we're even Steven?”
“I didn't think anybody said that any more, Ray?” There was no tension left between them.
“Well, I'm making an exception.”
“Thank you, Ray. Yes, we are even Steven.”
Ray lowered his voice. “This is the part where you kiss me, Benny.”
“I was waiting for you to kiss me, Ray.”
“How about we kiss each other?” Ray suggested.
“All right, Ray,” Fraser took a deep breath.
“One.”
It was testament to their understanding that neither of them waited for the word three. On the word one they wrapped their arms around each other and achieved a perfect joining of lips. This was what it was it was about, re-establishing the connection they had, had never really lost. The taste, the touch and the smell, all perfect.
They pulled back, flushed. “You want to do that again?”
“Yes, Ray.”
They came together again, this time deepening the kiss. Fraser had forgotten how good Ray's kisses were. Of course, he'd tried to remember the softness of Ray's lips, the gentle stroking with his tongue, the tasting, but none of it it really compared to the real thing. So distracted were they they didn't hear the door to the cabin open and Diefenbaker bound in. He leapt up and got their attention.
“Hey, Dief,” Ray gave Fraser another gentle kiss and leaned down to greet the wolf.
“He seems pleased to see you, Ray,” Fraser noted, the wagging tail clearly showing Dief was indeed pleased. So was Fraser.
“Yeah, well, he'll get bored of me when I'm living here,” Ray replied giving Dief a gentle ruffle is his fur.
Fraser was taken aback. “Living? Here?”
“Yeah. If you want me to,” Ray finished petting Dief and took Fraser into his arms. “It's not Florida, Benny, but it's got you.” Ray emphasised his point with a kiss.
“What do you think Dief?” Fraser asked, smiling.
“You're asking the wolf for an opinion?”
“It's his home too,” Fraser pointed out. It was home. Here, the three of them, this was home.
“Fine.”
Dief barked.
“Are you sure?” Fraser asked, teasing Ray.
Die barked again.
“Well then, welcome home, Ray.”
“He said yes?”
“Yes, Ray. And I would be honoured if you would live here. With me.”
Dief woofed.
“And Diefenbaker,” he added.
“Great.”
“Is this the part where we kiss again, Ray?” Fraser asked, already moving in for a kiss.
“Yeah, Benny, it is.”
“Mmmmmm. You know I'm going to like living here,” Ray said in between yet another kiss. “One thing though, Benny.”
“Yes, Ray?”
“Could you help me out of this snow suit?”
“Yes, Ray.”
Fraser was only too delighted to help Ray out of his snow suit. Then he introduced Ray to the bed. It might have been a lovely day outside but on this particular day Fraser was very glad to be staying in. Especially now he had a home and someone to share it with.