Hmmm. I don't know about this story. It feels like something that should either be a lot shorter, or a lot longer. As a one-shot, I think it'd work much better if you focused more directly on Maria's gender identity issue, and her struggle to accept herself, and to be accepted. Remus's struggle is written well - but Maria's has too many bits of plot that don't really go anywhere. If you were to keep all the plot you have in here, this would be a long, chaptered fic. It feels like the skeleton of an epic. For example, you introduce Snape, and it seems like he's going to play an important part in the story, but he disappears after a few paragraphs. You throw in this whole bit about Captain Shard, which could be an entire story in itself - but you're just using it as a plot device, and to my eye, not really a necessary plot device.
I think this is a story which could be developed much further - or could zoom in on the most important issue you present here, leaving out the unnecessary frills.
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I think this is a story which could be developed much further - or could zoom in on the most important issue you present here, leaving out the unnecessary frills.
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