FIC: No Matter What Life May Bring
Title: No Matter What Life May Bring
Author: Amy (alexia@innergeekdom.net)
Fandom: Grey's Anatomy/Muppets
Spoilers: Through the most recent
Disclaimer: Shonda Rhimes. Jim Henson. You know the drill.
Characters: George. Izzie. Muppets of various shapes and sizes.
Summary: He'll be a doctor of diseases. (Five Patients George O'Malley Never Had)
Notes: Title (full fic and each section) and summary from Muppets Take Manhattan.
Unbetaed, and I'm having language issues, so... yeah, feel free to tell me if shit is fucked up, okay?
...And it's PG, except for that note. Heh.
2,987 words
1. "Be Sure Of One Special Thing"
The first week of George's internship, the cafeteria is so crowded that you almost can't help but sit with another person. George had been pretty sure the table in the corner would be empty, and he takes a moment to breathe as he slides into a chair before looking up and realizing he's staring straight into two ping-pong ball-shaped eyes, which are attached to a rather green head.
"Sorry," he says awkwardly. "I thought the table was..."
"No problem," is the cheerful reply.
"Oh, good. I wouldn't want to make you hopping ma-" George catches himself just in time. "Sorry."
A wide smile. "Don't worry about it. Everyone around here's going hog-wild."
George laughs. "That's a good one. Are you here with the, um..." He gestures vaguely.
"Miss Piggy," the frog supplies.
"Right," George says. "The lady with the impacted hoof."
"Exactly." A grin. "Hi, I'm Kermit the Frog."
"I'm Doctor O'Malley."
"So do you come here often?" George asks. He wishes polite conversation didn't always sound like bad pick-up lines. It's totally going to give Meredith the wrong idea.
"Only when someone gets hurt," Kermit replies. "So two or three times a week."
"A week?" George asks, impressed.
"Well, usually I'm here with Gonzo."
"Oh! That guy!" George is even more impressed. "He's like a legend around here! Seriously. I heard about the time he got third-degree burns on his nose in the shape of a chicken."
Kermit nods. "He's still proud of those"
"Wh-Who wouldn't be?" George laughs a little. "I heard they featured him on Believe it or Not."
"Believe It or Nuts, actually. He has the TV Guide clip up on our wall." Kermit frowns a little. "I'm sorry to pry, but you don't look too familiar. Are you new around here?"
"I'm an intern," George says. "I just started this week."
"Oh." And then Kermit asks the question no one else has asked all week. "Do you like it?"
George shrugs. "It's a lot of fun. I get to operate, and see surgeries, and I help people."
"That's the best feeling in the world," Kermit says. "It's why I went to Hollywood in the first place."
"Hollywood?" George asks. He's about to point out that Seattle is not actually in California, but thinks better. He's pretty sure that all of Dr. Bailey's rules about how to treat patients still apply in the cafeteria.
"We're on vacation," Kermit explains. He examines George critically. "You look like you could use one yourself."
There are things you don't say to people who aren't on staff. Things like 'I almost killed a man my first day working here, and now they call me 007', or 'I'm in love with one of my co-workers', or even 'I've been working so much that I've forgotten how to do anything but suture and nap'. Those aren't very professional things to say. "I could kind of use a hug," George admits at last.
The frog gets up from his chair and walks around the table and wraps two long green arms around George's midsection. They are fuzzy and bony and feel kind of weird.
George hugs him back, and for the first time in a week he feels like he can actually do it.
It's kind of nice.
2. "Gonna Be a Veterinarian Too"
"I don't get it," George says.
"What is there to get?" Izzie asks. "I mean, seriously. You have a patient. You have an assignment from Dr. Bailey. You have a degree from med school. What's not to get?"
"Well," George says. "The thing is. I have a degree in people medicine."
"Yes," Izzie says patiently. "That's called a degree from med school."
"No. I mean." George hisses the words like they're a secret he can't quite believe. "Come look."
He drags Izzie with him into the room where the patient is sitting up in bed, reading a newspaper. Her mouth opens, then closes, twice. Then she tugs him out. George manages to say "Excuse me, sir, I'll be back in one minute" before the door closes.
"That's a dog," she says to George.
"Yes."
"What are you going to do?"
"I have a patient," George parrots back. "I have an assignment from Dr. Bailey. I have a degree from med school."
"Shut up."
George laughs. Only because he's too manly to giggle. "He's very nice," he offers. "Hasn't given me any trouble. He's one of the best patients I've had since I started here."
"George, he's a dog."
"I noticed." Now that Izzie's verified he's not just crazy, the whole thing's actually pretty funny.
"George! What are you going to do?"
"I'll tell you what he's going to do."
They both gulp and turn, because Dr. Bailey is standing there, and her hands are on her hips, and the look on her face isn't exactly one they'd describe as "pleased". And she's... well, she's scary.
"Does your patient speak English?" she asks George.
"Yes, sir," he says. "Ma'am. Yes ma'am."
"Did he come in here looking for help?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Does he have a valid medical complaint?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"And what is your job as a doctor?"
"To treat anyone who comes here with a valid medical complaint."
"Then what is the problem?"
"I don't- I mean, I can't-" George hasn't felt this flustered since his first week on the job. "Nothing. Ma'am."
"Good then." Dr. Bailey nods. "Stevens, you got nothing to do? Cause I can give you a list."
"No," Izzie says a little too quickly, and then "No, I have. Um. I'm scheduled to help Dr. Burke on a case in about fifteen minutes."
Dr. Bailey gives her the look that says that she better go find Dr. Burke then, and Izzie darts off, and that leaves just George and the Nazi. Which is, you know, terrifying. But he has to ask anyway. "Dr. Bailey?" He realizes how hesitant he sounds, but figures that's probably good up against the Nazi.
"Yes, O'Malley?" She sounds frustrated, but not the kind of frustrated where she's going to kill him, which he hopes is a good sign.
"He's a talking dog. I... he barks. And his nose comes off."
She sighs. "O'Malley?"
"Yes?"
"Just take his history. I'll check in on him later."
"Yes, Dr. Bailey. Um, thank you. Dr. Bailey. Ma'am."
3. "Practice Neurosurgery On Your Brain"
This is George's stressed-out face.
Izzie said she didn't notice a difference, but George is pretty sure that that's because he hasn't been anything but stressed out since she's known him. So this is George's stressed-out face, his exhausted face, his "I've been sleeping on a couch for over a month" face, his "I saw Cristina naked and may never recover" face, his "Callie beat me at Sonic The Hedgehog AGAIN" face.
Now it has a new description.
This is George's "my newest patient is of indeterminate species" face.
He didn't used to have one of those.
The chart is full of important information, like name ("Gonzo the Great") and gender ("male") and age ("Paleozoic"), all of which pale in comparison to the question that's not actually on the sheet. Which is the question he's pretty sure Dr. McDreamy is going to ask him the second he comes in.
"What's wrong with your skin?" George asks conversationally. "I mean, not that there's anything wrong with it, if you're okay with it, but-"
The patient twists all around to see what George is referring to. "Do I have a spot somewhere?" he asks.
"Well, you're... you're blue," George points out.
"Well, yeah." Gonzo squints. "What color is your fur?"
"I don't actually have fur."
"Maybe we should be looking into what's wrong with you, then," Gonzo says.
George hears the door open, and clears his throat. The last thing he needs is getting yelled at for discriminating just because he doesn't understand his patient's... condition. Especially when McDreamy's already mad at him, just because he's not Meredith and everyone else is on his side. So George swallows hard and asks. "So this you're in here because of second degree burns from... being shot out of a cannon?"
"No," Gonzo says. "That was just a coincidence. I'm actually here for the elective brain surgery."
"That would explain why it's Dr. Shepherd on your chart," George says, smiling despite himself. "He's one of the best surgeons in the country."
"Oh, good," Gonzo says. "My last doctor recommended seeing him next. He said he wouldn't mind if I switched." A pause. "Get it? Brain surgeon, mind?"
"I, I get it," George says, wishing that he didn't.
"It was a pun," Gonzo explains. "I'm not just a head case."
"I got that one too," George supplies before Gonzo can ask.
It's only then that he remembers he's not alone in the room, and there's a doctor there just watching his bedside manner. He'd wince but he's not any less watched, so he just stands still while McDreamy walks up beside him.
Great. Well, at least it's not Burke.
"Mr. The Great," McDreamy says, stepping forward to stand next to George. "I'm Dr. Shepherd. I'll be performing your surgery later today."
He extends a hand, which the patient shakes. "Pleased to meet you," Gonzo says cheerfully. "I can't wait to see what you do to my skull."
"Dr. Van Neuter's told me a lot about you," McDreamy says politely. Then, glancing at George, he adds "Excuse me. Dr. O'Malley and I need to go consult some charts."
Gonzo nods as though nothing is abnormal. When they get to the hall, McDreamy just stares at George, like he's the one with the issue.
"He's blue," George says.
"Yes."
"And furry."
"I know."
"Furry."
George is pretty sure that if he says this enough, it will magically make sense. But McDreamy just shrugs. "I have no idea."
He walks away, leaving the intern to figure out what's going on, which if you think about it is pretty much patent McDreamy.
George, of course, is here to deal with the fall-out. Just like usual.
4. "I'll Be The Cutest Model You've Ever Saw"
"You have to help me." Izzie's voice is squeaky, almost a yelp.
This would probably worry George more if he wasn't used to it by now. "Did Denny beat you at Scrabble again?" he asks, trying not to be mean about it. Last time Denny beat her at Scrabble, he knows, Meredith came home to find her surrounded by seventeen brownies, forty-nine cupcakes, and two pies. They'd had to have an intervention to deal with what Meredith called Izzie's "tragic addiction to flour". Cristina had brought the beer.
"What?" Izzie asks, then shakes her head furiously. "No, this is way worse. Come on, George, please."
Like she actually thought he wouldn't, even for a second. "What's up?" he asks, and he tries to sound put-upon.
"You need to take a patient for me."
George speaks slowly and calmly, like Izzie is crazy. Because she probably is. "Dr. Bailey assigned us these cases," he reminds. "Dr. Bailey is scary. Dr. Bailey can crush me with her pinky."
"I can crush you worse," Izzie threatens.
"You know, I really doubt that."
"George, come on, you have to."
"Just give me one reason why I should take your place," he says. George realizes he feels like Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd all of a sudden. It makes him want to stab McDreamy, a little.
"Okay." Izzie speaks fast, and her voice sounds like she's bordering on hysteria. "So there's this contest, right? This modeling thing. I'm nineteen, I'm young, I'm working my way through college. Whatever. So I'm working hard and totally going all out, giving one ten percent, you know? And it comes down to the top five contestants and one of them said that if any of us beat her and she ever saw us again, she'd kill us. And it came down to the two of us and I beat her and George, she will kill me, she will actually kill me, and I don't want to die, okay? I've never even performed a tracheotomy. You don't want me to die before I've performed a tracheotomy, do you?"
"Why is she here?" George asks with a sigh.
"I don't know. I saw it was her and I walked out." Izzie swallows hard. "Look, her chart says it's a bone thing. So you can work with Dr. Torres again!"
"She wouldn't be naked," George points out.
"Um, yeah," Izzie says, giving him a weird look.
"So it wouldn't be that exciting for me," he says. "I mean, even if it is her. Because I've seen her naked. And stuff."
"You can imagine her naked."
"While she's setting a bone?" George paused. "Actually, that'd be kind of hot."
"George," Izzie says. "Do you need me to beg?"
George sighs. Being the nice guy is totally overrated. "No," he says. "I can go do it. You can take Mr. Jenkins. He's Dr. Burke's patient."
"You," Izzie says, "are the best." And she kisses him on the forehead, sticks the patient's folder in his hands, and bounces off.
"Um. Miss Piggy?" he says. "I'm Dr. O'Malley. I'm sorry to bother you, I just want to ask you a few questions."
Her eyelashes flutter. He thinks she's tying to flirt.
George wishes he weren't Izzie's best friend. He bets his life would be much, much easier.
5. "And Help You With Your Sneezes"
"You want me to do what?"
George has had to do a lot of things, since getting to Seattle Grace. And he's taken it. Leeches, sure. Heart surgery in an elevator, fine. Older male patients flirting with him, whatever. George is the type of guy to just accept it, learn from it, and move on. But eventually, everyone needs to take a stand.
He's pretty sure this is that kind of time.
"You just need to pretend," Izzie says. "For, like, ten minutes."
"I'm seeing Dr. Torres," George says.
"I'm not trying to break you up," she says. "I have Denny. But I can't say I have Denny."
"Why not? It's a good name. Solid. Izzie and Denny. You sound like a sitcom couple."
She sighs. "If I say I'm seeing Denny, he'll know it's conceivable I will date my patients. And that cannot happen, George, okay? It cannot. Happen."
"So you want me to pretend I'm dating you?"
"Ten minutes. That's all it'll take. Maybe a hug."
"Oh, so there's a hug now?" George smirks.
"Shut up."
"I think you have a crush on me."
"I think I have a patient who's a step from sexually harassing me," Izzie says, "and he has four arms, which makes it twice as likely he'll manage to grope my boob."
George considers this. "Ew."
"I know.
"So you just have to come in and play my boyfriend."
"Because you have a crush on me."
Izzie sighs. "If I say I have a crush on you, will you do it for me?"
"I might."
"Okay. I have a crush on you. I have a big dorky crush on you and I want to make out with you madly. I dream about your tongue. Will you come play my boyfriend now?"
George frowned. "You know, you could have at least tried to sell that."
"That's the best you're getting. Are you in, or do I have to go recruit Cristina?"
George's eyes lit up. "Cristina? Would she kiss you? Can I watch?"
"George!"
"I'm asking."
Izzie tugs at his arm and drags him into the room with her, pulling his arm over her shoulder while he goes. She pulls so hard that he's pretty sure he's going to find out she dislocated his shoulder, but he goes along with it, because, well, she's Izzie. At least she's not looking at him like he's her sister anymore.
Or if she is, she had an even weirder upbringing than Cristina did.
"This is my boyfriend," she says. "The one I was telling you about."
"Hi," George says. "I'm George. Her boyfriend."
"We've slept together," Izzie says. "For like a year now."
It takes George a minute to realize she's not even lying, just implying a few things, and he nods a little bit too hard. "All the time," he says. "My bed is her bed."
Right now he doesn't have a bed. But that's not really the point.
"And he looks great in the shower."
George blushes. He's been trying to pretend she's never seen him naked. It was easier to repress when she wasn't bringing it up.
The patient evaluates them. "Okay, I do not believe in this at all."
"What?" George asks.
"You are not a couple, okay?" he asks, crossing two of his four spindly arms across his chest. "You are trying to trick me, and it is not going to work." And, to Izzie: "You are just so overwhelmed by your carnal attraction to me that you have recruited a dummy boyfriend."
"Hey," George interrupts.
"No offense."
"You're a crustacean," he says. "You don't get to judge me."
The prawn shrugs. "I look at a beautiful girl, I think, she deserves better, okay?"
"Hey. I." And then George does the only thing he can think of.
He kisses Izzie, hard, on the lips. And there's definitely tongue involved.
He can't believe he's kissing Izzie. He can't believe he's technically cheating on Callie. He can't believe he's putting on a show for a two-foot-tall shrimp.
He can't believe she had the tuna for lunch, either, but he's pretty damn sure of that part.
"Sorry, Pepe," Izzie says finally. "I think it's kind of a Thing."
He glares at her and crosses his second set of arms too. "I think you are trying to play me, okay."
George shrugs. "I have to go see a patient. But I'll talk to you later. Honey," he adds.
Izzie starts for a moment before remembering that's her. "Oh, of course. Dear."
He kisses her one more time and then leaves.
George's life could not possibly be weirder.
But he's pretty much okay with that.
Author: Amy (alexia@innergeekdom.net)
Fandom: Grey's Anatomy/Muppets
Spoilers: Through the most recent
Disclaimer: Shonda Rhimes. Jim Henson. You know the drill.
Characters: George. Izzie. Muppets of various shapes and sizes.
Summary: He'll be a doctor of diseases. (Five Patients George O'Malley Never Had)
Notes: Title (full fic and each section) and summary from Muppets Take Manhattan.
Unbetaed, and I'm having language issues, so... yeah, feel free to tell me if shit is fucked up, okay?
...And it's PG, except for that note. Heh.
2,987 words
1. "Be Sure Of One Special Thing"
The first week of George's internship, the cafeteria is so crowded that you almost can't help but sit with another person. George had been pretty sure the table in the corner would be empty, and he takes a moment to breathe as he slides into a chair before looking up and realizing he's staring straight into two ping-pong ball-shaped eyes, which are attached to a rather green head.
"Sorry," he says awkwardly. "I thought the table was..."
"No problem," is the cheerful reply.
"Oh, good. I wouldn't want to make you hopping ma-" George catches himself just in time. "Sorry."
A wide smile. "Don't worry about it. Everyone around here's going hog-wild."
George laughs. "That's a good one. Are you here with the, um..." He gestures vaguely.
"Miss Piggy," the frog supplies.
"Right," George says. "The lady with the impacted hoof."
"Exactly." A grin. "Hi, I'm Kermit the Frog."
"I'm Doctor O'Malley."
"So do you come here often?" George asks. He wishes polite conversation didn't always sound like bad pick-up lines. It's totally going to give Meredith the wrong idea.
"Only when someone gets hurt," Kermit replies. "So two or three times a week."
"A week?" George asks, impressed.
"Well, usually I'm here with Gonzo."
"Oh! That guy!" George is even more impressed. "He's like a legend around here! Seriously. I heard about the time he got third-degree burns on his nose in the shape of a chicken."
Kermit nods. "He's still proud of those"
"Wh-Who wouldn't be?" George laughs a little. "I heard they featured him on Believe it or Not."
"Believe It or Nuts, actually. He has the TV Guide clip up on our wall." Kermit frowns a little. "I'm sorry to pry, but you don't look too familiar. Are you new around here?"
"I'm an intern," George says. "I just started this week."
"Oh." And then Kermit asks the question no one else has asked all week. "Do you like it?"
George shrugs. "It's a lot of fun. I get to operate, and see surgeries, and I help people."
"That's the best feeling in the world," Kermit says. "It's why I went to Hollywood in the first place."
"Hollywood?" George asks. He's about to point out that Seattle is not actually in California, but thinks better. He's pretty sure that all of Dr. Bailey's rules about how to treat patients still apply in the cafeteria.
"We're on vacation," Kermit explains. He examines George critically. "You look like you could use one yourself."
There are things you don't say to people who aren't on staff. Things like 'I almost killed a man my first day working here, and now they call me 007', or 'I'm in love with one of my co-workers', or even 'I've been working so much that I've forgotten how to do anything but suture and nap'. Those aren't very professional things to say. "I could kind of use a hug," George admits at last.
The frog gets up from his chair and walks around the table and wraps two long green arms around George's midsection. They are fuzzy and bony and feel kind of weird.
George hugs him back, and for the first time in a week he feels like he can actually do it.
It's kind of nice.
2. "Gonna Be a Veterinarian Too"
"I don't get it," George says.
"What is there to get?" Izzie asks. "I mean, seriously. You have a patient. You have an assignment from Dr. Bailey. You have a degree from med school. What's not to get?"
"Well," George says. "The thing is. I have a degree in people medicine."
"Yes," Izzie says patiently. "That's called a degree from med school."
"No. I mean." George hisses the words like they're a secret he can't quite believe. "Come look."
He drags Izzie with him into the room where the patient is sitting up in bed, reading a newspaper. Her mouth opens, then closes, twice. Then she tugs him out. George manages to say "Excuse me, sir, I'll be back in one minute" before the door closes.
"That's a dog," she says to George.
"Yes."
"What are you going to do?"
"I have a patient," George parrots back. "I have an assignment from Dr. Bailey. I have a degree from med school."
"Shut up."
George laughs. Only because he's too manly to giggle. "He's very nice," he offers. "Hasn't given me any trouble. He's one of the best patients I've had since I started here."
"George, he's a dog."
"I noticed." Now that Izzie's verified he's not just crazy, the whole thing's actually pretty funny.
"George! What are you going to do?"
"I'll tell you what he's going to do."
They both gulp and turn, because Dr. Bailey is standing there, and her hands are on her hips, and the look on her face isn't exactly one they'd describe as "pleased". And she's... well, she's scary.
"Does your patient speak English?" she asks George.
"Yes, sir," he says. "Ma'am. Yes ma'am."
"Did he come in here looking for help?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Does he have a valid medical complaint?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"And what is your job as a doctor?"
"To treat anyone who comes here with a valid medical complaint."
"Then what is the problem?"
"I don't- I mean, I can't-" George hasn't felt this flustered since his first week on the job. "Nothing. Ma'am."
"Good then." Dr. Bailey nods. "Stevens, you got nothing to do? Cause I can give you a list."
"No," Izzie says a little too quickly, and then "No, I have. Um. I'm scheduled to help Dr. Burke on a case in about fifteen minutes."
Dr. Bailey gives her the look that says that she better go find Dr. Burke then, and Izzie darts off, and that leaves just George and the Nazi. Which is, you know, terrifying. But he has to ask anyway. "Dr. Bailey?" He realizes how hesitant he sounds, but figures that's probably good up against the Nazi.
"Yes, O'Malley?" She sounds frustrated, but not the kind of frustrated where she's going to kill him, which he hopes is a good sign.
"He's a talking dog. I... he barks. And his nose comes off."
She sighs. "O'Malley?"
"Yes?"
"Just take his history. I'll check in on him later."
"Yes, Dr. Bailey. Um, thank you. Dr. Bailey. Ma'am."
3. "Practice Neurosurgery On Your Brain"
This is George's stressed-out face.
Izzie said she didn't notice a difference, but George is pretty sure that that's because he hasn't been anything but stressed out since she's known him. So this is George's stressed-out face, his exhausted face, his "I've been sleeping on a couch for over a month" face, his "I saw Cristina naked and may never recover" face, his "Callie beat me at Sonic The Hedgehog AGAIN" face.
Now it has a new description.
This is George's "my newest patient is of indeterminate species" face.
He didn't used to have one of those.
The chart is full of important information, like name ("Gonzo the Great") and gender ("male") and age ("Paleozoic"), all of which pale in comparison to the question that's not actually on the sheet. Which is the question he's pretty sure Dr. McDreamy is going to ask him the second he comes in.
"What's wrong with your skin?" George asks conversationally. "I mean, not that there's anything wrong with it, if you're okay with it, but-"
The patient twists all around to see what George is referring to. "Do I have a spot somewhere?" he asks.
"Well, you're... you're blue," George points out.
"Well, yeah." Gonzo squints. "What color is your fur?"
"I don't actually have fur."
"Maybe we should be looking into what's wrong with you, then," Gonzo says.
George hears the door open, and clears his throat. The last thing he needs is getting yelled at for discriminating just because he doesn't understand his patient's... condition. Especially when McDreamy's already mad at him, just because he's not Meredith and everyone else is on his side. So George swallows hard and asks. "So this you're in here because of second degree burns from... being shot out of a cannon?"
"No," Gonzo says. "That was just a coincidence. I'm actually here for the elective brain surgery."
"That would explain why it's Dr. Shepherd on your chart," George says, smiling despite himself. "He's one of the best surgeons in the country."
"Oh, good," Gonzo says. "My last doctor recommended seeing him next. He said he wouldn't mind if I switched." A pause. "Get it? Brain surgeon, mind?"
"I, I get it," George says, wishing that he didn't.
"It was a pun," Gonzo explains. "I'm not just a head case."
"I got that one too," George supplies before Gonzo can ask.
It's only then that he remembers he's not alone in the room, and there's a doctor there just watching his bedside manner. He'd wince but he's not any less watched, so he just stands still while McDreamy walks up beside him.
Great. Well, at least it's not Burke.
"Mr. The Great," McDreamy says, stepping forward to stand next to George. "I'm Dr. Shepherd. I'll be performing your surgery later today."
He extends a hand, which the patient shakes. "Pleased to meet you," Gonzo says cheerfully. "I can't wait to see what you do to my skull."
"Dr. Van Neuter's told me a lot about you," McDreamy says politely. Then, glancing at George, he adds "Excuse me. Dr. O'Malley and I need to go consult some charts."
Gonzo nods as though nothing is abnormal. When they get to the hall, McDreamy just stares at George, like he's the one with the issue.
"He's blue," George says.
"Yes."
"And furry."
"I know."
"Furry."
George is pretty sure that if he says this enough, it will magically make sense. But McDreamy just shrugs. "I have no idea."
He walks away, leaving the intern to figure out what's going on, which if you think about it is pretty much patent McDreamy.
George, of course, is here to deal with the fall-out. Just like usual.
4. "I'll Be The Cutest Model You've Ever Saw"
"You have to help me." Izzie's voice is squeaky, almost a yelp.
This would probably worry George more if he wasn't used to it by now. "Did Denny beat you at Scrabble again?" he asks, trying not to be mean about it. Last time Denny beat her at Scrabble, he knows, Meredith came home to find her surrounded by seventeen brownies, forty-nine cupcakes, and two pies. They'd had to have an intervention to deal with what Meredith called Izzie's "tragic addiction to flour". Cristina had brought the beer.
"What?" Izzie asks, then shakes her head furiously. "No, this is way worse. Come on, George, please."
Like she actually thought he wouldn't, even for a second. "What's up?" he asks, and he tries to sound put-upon.
"You need to take a patient for me."
George speaks slowly and calmly, like Izzie is crazy. Because she probably is. "Dr. Bailey assigned us these cases," he reminds. "Dr. Bailey is scary. Dr. Bailey can crush me with her pinky."
"I can crush you worse," Izzie threatens.
"You know, I really doubt that."
"George, come on, you have to."
"Just give me one reason why I should take your place," he says. George realizes he feels like Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd all of a sudden. It makes him want to stab McDreamy, a little.
"Okay." Izzie speaks fast, and her voice sounds like she's bordering on hysteria. "So there's this contest, right? This modeling thing. I'm nineteen, I'm young, I'm working my way through college. Whatever. So I'm working hard and totally going all out, giving one ten percent, you know? And it comes down to the top five contestants and one of them said that if any of us beat her and she ever saw us again, she'd kill us. And it came down to the two of us and I beat her and George, she will kill me, she will actually kill me, and I don't want to die, okay? I've never even performed a tracheotomy. You don't want me to die before I've performed a tracheotomy, do you?"
"Why is she here?" George asks with a sigh.
"I don't know. I saw it was her and I walked out." Izzie swallows hard. "Look, her chart says it's a bone thing. So you can work with Dr. Torres again!"
"She wouldn't be naked," George points out.
"Um, yeah," Izzie says, giving him a weird look.
"So it wouldn't be that exciting for me," he says. "I mean, even if it is her. Because I've seen her naked. And stuff."
"You can imagine her naked."
"While she's setting a bone?" George paused. "Actually, that'd be kind of hot."
"George," Izzie says. "Do you need me to beg?"
George sighs. Being the nice guy is totally overrated. "No," he says. "I can go do it. You can take Mr. Jenkins. He's Dr. Burke's patient."
"You," Izzie says, "are the best." And she kisses him on the forehead, sticks the patient's folder in his hands, and bounces off.
"Um. Miss Piggy?" he says. "I'm Dr. O'Malley. I'm sorry to bother you, I just want to ask you a few questions."
Her eyelashes flutter. He thinks she's tying to flirt.
George wishes he weren't Izzie's best friend. He bets his life would be much, much easier.
5. "And Help You With Your Sneezes"
"You want me to do what?"
George has had to do a lot of things, since getting to Seattle Grace. And he's taken it. Leeches, sure. Heart surgery in an elevator, fine. Older male patients flirting with him, whatever. George is the type of guy to just accept it, learn from it, and move on. But eventually, everyone needs to take a stand.
He's pretty sure this is that kind of time.
"You just need to pretend," Izzie says. "For, like, ten minutes."
"I'm seeing Dr. Torres," George says.
"I'm not trying to break you up," she says. "I have Denny. But I can't say I have Denny."
"Why not? It's a good name. Solid. Izzie and Denny. You sound like a sitcom couple."
She sighs. "If I say I'm seeing Denny, he'll know it's conceivable I will date my patients. And that cannot happen, George, okay? It cannot. Happen."
"So you want me to pretend I'm dating you?"
"Ten minutes. That's all it'll take. Maybe a hug."
"Oh, so there's a hug now?" George smirks.
"Shut up."
"I think you have a crush on me."
"I think I have a patient who's a step from sexually harassing me," Izzie says, "and he has four arms, which makes it twice as likely he'll manage to grope my boob."
George considers this. "Ew."
"I know.
"So you just have to come in and play my boyfriend."
"Because you have a crush on me."
Izzie sighs. "If I say I have a crush on you, will you do it for me?"
"I might."
"Okay. I have a crush on you. I have a big dorky crush on you and I want to make out with you madly. I dream about your tongue. Will you come play my boyfriend now?"
George frowned. "You know, you could have at least tried to sell that."
"That's the best you're getting. Are you in, or do I have to go recruit Cristina?"
George's eyes lit up. "Cristina? Would she kiss you? Can I watch?"
"George!"
"I'm asking."
Izzie tugs at his arm and drags him into the room with her, pulling his arm over her shoulder while he goes. She pulls so hard that he's pretty sure he's going to find out she dislocated his shoulder, but he goes along with it, because, well, she's Izzie. At least she's not looking at him like he's her sister anymore.
Or if she is, she had an even weirder upbringing than Cristina did.
"This is my boyfriend," she says. "The one I was telling you about."
"Hi," George says. "I'm George. Her boyfriend."
"We've slept together," Izzie says. "For like a year now."
It takes George a minute to realize she's not even lying, just implying a few things, and he nods a little bit too hard. "All the time," he says. "My bed is her bed."
Right now he doesn't have a bed. But that's not really the point.
"And he looks great in the shower."
George blushes. He's been trying to pretend she's never seen him naked. It was easier to repress when she wasn't bringing it up.
The patient evaluates them. "Okay, I do not believe in this at all."
"What?" George asks.
"You are not a couple, okay?" he asks, crossing two of his four spindly arms across his chest. "You are trying to trick me, and it is not going to work." And, to Izzie: "You are just so overwhelmed by your carnal attraction to me that you have recruited a dummy boyfriend."
"Hey," George interrupts.
"No offense."
"You're a crustacean," he says. "You don't get to judge me."
The prawn shrugs. "I look at a beautiful girl, I think, she deserves better, okay?"
"Hey. I." And then George does the only thing he can think of.
He kisses Izzie, hard, on the lips. And there's definitely tongue involved.
He can't believe he's kissing Izzie. He can't believe he's technically cheating on Callie. He can't believe he's putting on a show for a two-foot-tall shrimp.
He can't believe she had the tuna for lunch, either, but he's pretty damn sure of that part.
"Sorry, Pepe," Izzie says finally. "I think it's kind of a Thing."
He glares at her and crosses his second set of arms too. "I think you are trying to play me, okay."
George shrugs. "I have to go see a patient. But I'll talk to you later. Honey," he adds.
Izzie starts for a moment before remembering that's her. "Oh, of course. Dear."
He kisses her one more time and then leaves.
George's life could not possibly be weirder.
But he's pretty much okay with that.