Misfire for exothermc 2/2
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“Isn’t it frightening?” Jaehwan asked abruptly.
Who was sat on Taekwoon’s bed, a pack of UNO cards settled between them. When Taekwoon told Jaehwan that he hadn’t played UNO before, Jaehwan had made it of utmost importance that he came over with his deck to show him the ropes. Two games in, Taekwoon had won them all so far.
“What?” Taekwoon asked, looking at Jaehwan and throwing a card to the centre.
Jaehwan looked at the cards in his hands and sighed, reaching for the pile and taking a card. “Your turn - I mean, the fact that you can’t hear? Isn’t it scary, not knowing what tone people are using with you…whether someone's behind you or something- are you even able to hear oncoming cars!? Oh my god, how are you still alive!?” Jaehwan’s eyes grew larger with every impending thought.
“Calm down,” Taekwoon quickly said and stretched for his phone. I’ve learnt to read body language, Jaehwan, and you use your face a lot more than you think when you talk. So tone isn’t a problem. People behind me…there’s nothing I can do about that unless they grab me and I’m not stupid, I know how to check for a car. And whether I can hear or not, if a car is heading straight towards me I wouldn’t be able to get out of the way fast enough.
“That is not making me feel better- ah! Come on! You’re out to win every game?” He sighed and grabbed another card from the deck. “Besides you’ve only been completely deaf for about five years, right? How are you so calm about it?” Jaehwan asked, shaking his head.
I told you, I started learning from when I was younger - ten years has prepared me enough. Taekwoon typed before throwing another card to the centre. “UNO!”
A smile suddenly appeared on Jaehwan’s face as he slammed a card down. “Draw four cards Taekwoon! As if I’d let you win a third time so easily.” He huffed arrogant, his chest puffed up and his nose flaring.
Taekwoon rolls his eyes and takes four cards. “But it is a bit…dis-disappointing…” Taekwoon stuttered, his teeth cutting off his words. “Did I say that right?”
Jaehwan nodded and asked, “What is?”
“The fact I can’t hear your voice.” He said and threw another card to the centre. He looked up to see Jaehwan frozen, and watching Taekwoon. They held each other’s gaze for a while before Jaehwan blinked away and weakly smiled.
Jaehwan said something behind his fist; Taekwoon presumed it was in an act of embarrassment. He had to tap him for him to repeat. Jaehwan looked flustered. “Oh sorry. I said ‘It’s not a very nice voice’, so don’t worry.”
“I don’t think that’s true--UNO!” Taekwoon grinned and twirled his last card in his hand. Jaehwan grumbled before grabbing another card from the pile and throwing it into the centre. Actually, I heard you can sing.
Jaehwan looked up from the phone screen and blinked at Taekwoon. After a month of sticking close to him, Taekwoon learnt that it was his unguarded face. It’d rarely come up when a topic Jaehwan didn’t want to approach would arise or when he was simply speechless. Taekwoon had always hoped it was the latter.
“Where did you hear that from- and not like you actually heard it, right?” Jaehwan chuckled, an attempt to change the subject but Taekwoon just gave him a steady stare. “Too soon for the deaf jokes?” He asked with narrowed eyes.
Taekwoon shook his head before returning to typing. So it wasn’t a lie. When you said you wanted to be a rock star when you were younger?
“Oh wow you still remember that…I thought you would have forgotten about that night. A bit embarrassing on my part.” Taekwoon squinted to read Jaehwan’s lips better but he had the tendency to talk fast when he got uncomfortable or flustered, so Taekwoon would miss words.
Jaehwan stiffly returned to the game, his eyes over-analyzing his cards before picking one and throwing it to the ground. Taekwoon responded with his last card and Jaehwan let out a startled cry. “Damn it! I thought it was just beginner’s luck but this is ridiculous! Again!”
Taekwoon gently placed his hand on Jaehwan’s wrist. He could feel the faint bump of a vein and the softness of his skin made Taekwoon’s heart thump unrhythmically. Taekwoon shut his eyes briefly and took a deep breath before looking up at Jaehwan, who seemed just as nervous. “W-what’s wrong?” Jaehwan asked with an awkward twist of his lips.
“Can you sing?” Taekwoon asked softly, his eyes determined and clearly not looking for a no.
“How are you going to hear me…?”
“I’ll put my hands here.” Taekwoon slid the cards to the side and shuffled closer to Jaehwan, who seemed to tense every muscle in his body as he watched Taekwoon warily. Taekwoon slowly reached out towards Jaehwan’s, his fingers settling on the hollow of his neck and his thumb pressed lightly against his adams apple. “Vibrations.”
Jaehwan gulped and Taekwoon’s hand stiffened in an attempt to prevent it from shaking. “Sing,” Taekwoon ordered with a slight press of his thumb and Jaehwan shut his eyes as he let in a little gasp. And he sang, and Taekwoon didn’t hear a single thing. But somehow he saw it all; the way Jaehwan’s eyes closed peacefully, the way his lips pursed with every word, the feeling of his adams apple sliding under his palm, and the vibrations ringing through his fingertips.
After a while, Jaehwan stopped singing and Taekwoon quietly inched backwards, a small smile playing on his lips. “You do have a nice voice.” He thought he whispered but he’s not sure if the words escaped his lips coherently. He doesn’t really care. His fingertips still buzzed with energy and it was driving him insane.
Jaehwan grabbed his hand then and Taekwoon looked up. “How do you know?” He asked, his eyes downcast to Taekwoon’s hands, his fingers caressing the palm of his hand in slow mind-numbing rhythms.
“I just know,” Taekwoon breathed and shut his eyes tight, focusing on nothing but the feeling of Jaehwan’s hand pressed against his. But then his hand was no longer intertwined with Taekwoon’s, but ghosting up his arm, and curving into the base of his throat before it settled delicately on Taekwoon’s jaw. Taekwoon kept his eyes shut, mostly because he didn’t know what was going to happen next and felt semi-horrified, and also because if he did open his eyes he was worried Jaehwan would let him go.
And there it was again, the feeling of Jaehwan’s lips against his own; it was the same warm softness, yet completely different. Because this time their lips were trembling, their breath haggard, palms sweaty, knees shaking, and the only thought that ran through both their minds was I want to get closer.
Taekwoon thought Jaehwan said something against his lips but it didn’t matter because all he could think about was how Jaehwan’s teeth grazed his bottom lip. He could feel his hands slide up Jaehwan’s torso before they entangled themselves into his hair, the ends tickling the spaces between his fingertips. And for the first time, Taekwoon felt Jaehwan there, as if every moment leading up to then was just a play on Taekwoon’s imagination. He felt every twitch of his fingers as they drew circles on the bare skin of his hips, felt his fluttering eyelashes brushing against his temple. Most of all, he felt Jaehwan’s heartbeat hammering against the walls separating it from his own.
Taekwoon felt like he was floating on clouds up until he felt the first touch of Jaehwan’s tongue against his lips, and then everything had begun to tumble. Sweetness was soon replaced with lust, and Taekwoon found himself pulling Jaehwan even closer as he inhaled Jaehwan’s breath like that of a drug and almost begged for Jaehwan’s tongue to meet with his. And Jaehwan almost complied too willingly, as he hastily slipped his tongue between Taekwoon’s lips. Everything from then was a whirlwind of emotions, touching and lack of oxygen.
None of them could remember how Jaehwan ended up straddling Taekwoon, but all that really mattered then was how Jaehwan nibbled on Taekwoon’s lips, now pink and raw and throbbing. They broke to breathe, but it wasn’t long before Jaehwan brought his lips back down, pecking him on the corners of his lips, across the line of his jaw, and down towards his collarbones, where he pressed his lips harder and sucked at the soft white skin until they were stained with red and purple.
Jaehwan brought himself back up to place his lips against Taekwoon’s, only to pause a fraction of the way and grinned. And for a moment, the audacious jackass that Taekwoon knew Jaehwan to be had returned and said, “If only you could hear yourself moan.” If Taekwoon had felt hot before, he was one the verge of erupting then. Jaehwan let out a chuckle before attempting in bringing his lips back against Taekwoon but something had caught his attention as he whipped his head towards the closed door and quickly pulled Taekwoon up.
“What’s going on?” Taekwoon huffed, more breathless than he thought he was.
Jaehwan gave him a look and said, “Hakyeon. Be prepared.”
Taekwoon didn’t even have time to ask what Jaehwan was talking about before the door banged open and in the door was Hakyeon, completely naked and a raging boner on full display. He threw a harsh finger in Jaehwan’s and Taekwoon direction before slurring out words Taekwoon didn’t even bother catching, and then stomped away.
“Is he ok?” Taekwoon mumbled and Jaehwan turned back to smile widely.
“He’s drunk…obviously,” Jaehwan said before bursting into a fit of laughter.
Taekwoon watched Jaehwan as he toppled in on himself, laughing hysterically. He didn’t understand what he found that was this funny, it wasn’t new to see Hakyeon naked, or sexually frustrated. Maybe it was because of the rarity of the combination? Taekwoon tapped Jaehwan and asked, “What are you laughing for?”
Jaehwan looked up at Taekwoon, his eyes brimming with tears before offering him one of those rare genuine smile of his. With his eyes upturned at the ends and his canine teeth poking from the side of his lips, he answered, “Because I’m happy.”
▲
Taekwoon didn’t realise just how much free time he had, until he started spending every second of them with Jaehwan. Even if it meant Jaehwan idling on his bed while he studied, or them eating lunch during short breaks, they were inseparable. It had taken Hakyeon two weeks to realise his persistence in annoying the two was going nowhere and even though Wonsik had questioned it on several accounts, he just simply didn’t care in the end.
After Taekwoon finished his exams, Jaehwan had decided to take him to aquarium. It had taken them a good half hour to get into the area because they couldn’t decide on who would be paying for entrance, only in the end for them to split it between them.
As they entered the tunnel, where the water had become the sky and the fish were the clouds, did Taekwoon stop to look up and appreciate the moment. Only to brutally kill it by saying, “Well, this is rather…cliche, isn’t it?”
Jaehwan turned to look at him and raised an eyebrow. “Do you see everything as a book Taekwoon?” He asked, a blank expression on his face--one Taekwoon wasn’t comfortable with. “Sure, in mangas or books, libraries, aquariums, or theme parks are very typical but in real life, how many times have you been to any of them?”
Taekwoon paused to think about it for a moment, embarrassed to know that the first and last time he went to an aquarium was when he was ten. “I never thought about it like that,” Taekwoon had replied honestly, but Jaehwan simply smiled and tugged on his hand to keep on moving.
I’m just so obsessed with this world they create, I forget it’s all usually just an exaggerated version of the real world. Taekwoon typed solemnly.
“Has it got anything to do with--?” Jaehwan asked with a tap of his ear.
Taekwoon looked down at his phone, staring at the endless list of conversations he had saved with Jaehwan: messages they had shared in silence, texts they sent in the middle of the night, and notes that meant nothing but everything to Taekwoon. He didn’t think being deaf was all too bad thing, not if it was the reason Jaehwan was there.
I think when my world had suddenly started turning quiet; I relied on my mind to fill the silence. Taekwoon shyly wrote the message, his eyes flicking from Jaehwan to his phone. But it’s not so bad with you around. He bit his lip nervously as he showed it Jaehwan. His reaction, however was odd. It wasn’t mischievous or bashful; he had simply read it, blinked and continued to walk down the tunnel.
Taekwoon quickly slipped his phone into his pocket, his face flushed with embarrassment. He was silently thankful for the dim lighting. “I’ve been meaning to ask,” Taekwoon started as he caught up to Jaehwan. “How…come you went--went into history rather than m-music?” Taekwoon cursed himself internally for even attempting in speaking out loud such a long sentence.
Jaehwan looked reluctant to answer but after a while of staring at the baby sharks, he finally opened his mouth. “My parents didn’t approve of it is all. And I wasn’t one to rebel,” He stated simply, his jaw set and his hands tightly crossed across his chest.
Do you regret it? Taekwoon asked, his heart aching ever so slightly as he watched Jaehwan’s face drop.
“You always ask the most annoying questions.” Jaehwan sighed with an aggressive ruffle of his hair. He didn’t see Taekwoon flinch and take a step back from him, gripping the phone tightly in his hand.
Did I do something wrong?
Jaehwan looked at Taekwoon with an apologetic face. “I’m sorry--that’s--that’s not what I meant. You just ask questions I’m not very willing to answer.” He laughed weakly, his eyes averted back to the silver fishing that swam in circles.
Isn’t this how it works though? I get to know you. You get to know me?
“How what works?”
Taekwoon took another step back, brutally wounded by the face of obliviousness Jaehwan was pulling. Taekwoon no longer knew what to say, confusion sweeping over his mind like a typhoon. What were they to each other? Were they dating? Taekwoon was never sure. They had kissed several times, and they were around each other all the time. Didn’t that equate to dating?
The anxiety was eating at Taekwoon as if he was drowning in a snake pit, every little thought pricking him like it was filled with a gallon of venom.
Don’t worry about it.
Jaehwan stared at Taekwoon, fully aware of the fact he had more to say, so he decided to grab Taekwoon by the hand and tug him closer. “People are watching,” Taekwoon mumbled under his breath but the thought of kissing Jaehwan had already clouded any better judgment he had over his surroundings.
He groaned and tugged on Jaehwan by the waist, dragging him over to a dark corner next to the storage room and pressed himself against the wall. Jaehwan’s hands crawled up the back of Taekwoon’s spine and Taekwoon didn’t waste any time in pressing his lips against Jaehwan’s.
It didn’t last long, and before Taekwoon even realised, Jaehwan had slipped through his fingers and slid somewhere else. Taekwoon stared at the empty space in front of him, nothing but a wall enclosed in shadows mocking him. And when he turned around, he found Jaehwan in a bubble of smiles and silent laughter. Taekwoon didn’t know how long he stood there watching from behind, but it was a position he was all too familiar with.
Everything was alright when they were alone, in a small space they shared, but the second Jaehwan was amongst people, people Taekwoon knew or not, he would suddenly seem far away. As if there was a line dividing them. Taekwoon was also familiar with that line, a line that divided him from everyone else but the small few who dared to cross it. Upon meeting Jaehwan, a new line was found, one where Taekwoon would try to cross over but Jaehwan would hold up his palm as if to say do not move, don’t come any closer. Taekwoon would oblige willingly because of the simple terrifying idea that if he crossed that border, Jaehwan would disappear among those faces who had given up on him long ago.
Time passed, and it wasn’t ‘till one of the strangers grouped around Jaehwan pointed at Taekwoon did Jaehwan finally bother to acknowledge his existence. Reluctantly, Jaehwan signalled for Taekwoon to come over, and like a dog, Taekwoon trudged his way towards them, a frown imprinted on his face and his fists shoved into the depths of his pockets.
Jaehwan tugged on a smile and introduced Taekwoon as if he were a piece on auction. He seemed to have also explained the disability because everyone suddenly began to exaggerate the movement of their lips as they introduced themselves to him. Not like he cared, all he registered was the fact they were ‘friends’ on his history course. They had offered him a moment of attention before they returned to their own world of noise and conversation and for the first time in a long time, Taekwoon felt that numbing feeling of being left out.
It only seemed to get worse when the lot of them started making their way towards the exit along with Jaehwan and Takewoon flinched on the spot, lost as to what to do and what was going on. Taekwoon stared at Jaehwan as he continued to walk away, a bright smile etched onto his face, up until someone had tapped him on the shoulder, and Taekwoon had to do everything in his might not to bite their head off.
He looked down to meet the gaze of a beady-eyed guy, cute but manly all at the same time. “Hey, I’m Kyungsoo. We just-...want to come?” Taekwoon had missed the important part of his sentence as he bent his head to check his phone. “Oh shit sorry! Lip-reading okay…we’re going to go to a karaoke bar, want to come?” He said slowly.
“With Jaehwan…?” Taekwoon asked.
Kyungsoo nodded and began walking in the direction of the rest of the group. “Yeah, he’s the one who suggested it.”
Taekwoon could feel the inside of his cheek bleed as he chewed at the flesh aggressively. He hadn’t realised how much frustration was building up in the pits of his stomach until he started to take it out on anything seemingly rippable.
They had just arrived at the aquarium and the point of the trip was to see the seal show that was going to happen in half an hour. He contemplated going home but Kyungsoo was determined to having a conversation with him. Before he knew it, he was settled on a seat in the karaoke room closest to the door, and farthest from Jaehwan.
Taekwoon wondered how thick-skinned people could be to even think of bringing a deaf person to a karaoke bar. It wasn’t like clubs; there were no big speakers or large bass to feel the music. There was simply off-tune singing recorded by a machine that had the automatic response to praise you. Taekwoon was just being nit-picky at this point. Every little thing irritated him, and he tried his best not to look at Jaehwan as he smiled at every little thing, or brushed his fingers through people’s hair or the way he pressed himself up against the girl beside him.
He didn’t like to think about it, but Taekwoon never really understood how well Jaehwan could get along with people. It seemed like second nature to him, where a first meeting would turn into a fifty-year-old friendship in the space of an hour, or where a smile as a greeting would turn into kisses shared. At this point, Taekwoon didn’t know if the jealousy stirring in him was directed at everyone who could so openly be close to Jaehwan or to Jaehwan, who seemed to drink up the attention he received like it was a cocktail.
At some point, the conversation had moved towards Taekwoon, only it was significantly one-sided considering they kept turning their heads to continue on talking to Jaehwan. It didn’t really matter what they were saying or asking because they all waited for Jaehwan’s answer in the end. But nothing at that point would have prepared Taekwoon’s ego, or heart, for what Jaehwan had said to everyone.
With a shocked scoff and mocking eyes, he’d said, “No, of course we're not dating! What made you think that?”
It hit Taekwoon right in the stomach, leaving him breathless. After the shock subsided, the embarrassment creeped in along with the blood boiling in his veins. He had thought they were dating. He had thought they meant something to each other, that Taekwoon was more important to Jaehwan than any of the people around him right now. And he had been wrong, and was mortified.
Of course they hadn’t confirmed anything, there was no ‘I love you’ or any sort of public display of affection. Taekwoon had assumed, had hoped, it was just Jaehwan being shy. That despite him being the outgoing, friendly person he was, he was embarrassed about revealing certain aspects of his life. Taekwoon had assumed he’d never had a serious relationship before, so he didn’t know what to do. In the end, they were just petty excuses to settle the anxiety that was eating at his heart.
He got up, and left. Unsure if the door banged hard enough to express his anger, he made his way out of the building and blindly started walking down the street.
It was sunny. It was mother-fucking sunny. There wasn’t a damned cloud in the absolutely freaking clear sky and the sun just sat there, smiling down at Taekwoon as if his heart wasn’t breaking into a million, bloody trillion pieces.
He wanted to kick and scream, and tear things apart; he wanted to punch someone in the face. Correction: He wanted to punch Lee Jaehwan in the face. Who the fuck did he think he was? What right did he have to completely play and twist Taekwoon around his bony finger? None what-so-ever. And yet here he was, dragging his feet down the pavement as if someone had thrown a ton of bricks on his back, his eyes welling up with tears of frustrations and humiliation.
The second Taekwoon felt someone’s hand grab his own, he wished for the first time that it wasn’t Lee Jaehwan. But when he turned around and found him breathless and disheveled, he let his anger dissolve for a moment and cursed himself inwardly.
Taekwoon yanked his hand away from Jaehwan’s and watched as he attempted to get his breath back. “Taekwoon!” Jaehwan wheezed between his teeth, his hand reaching for Taekwoon’s sleeve.
“What?” Taekwoon replied stiffly, every muscle in his face rigid, his jaw set, and his fists trembling.
“Why did you just leave?” He asked, his grip on Taekwoon’s sleeve tightening. “What’s wrong?”
Taekwoon let out a haggard sigh. “What’s wrong…?” He paused to think about whether what he was about to say next was too long to get across coherently, but his anger wouldn’t be expressed enough if he typed it. “What’s going on Jaehwan? I-I thought we were…no, I don’t know what we were. Do you just kiss anyone, Jaehwan?”
Jaehwan looked shocked, as if he genuinely wasn’t expecting Taekwoon to have a problem with what he had said. “Is this about earlier? About what I said? I didn’t think--”
“Didn’t think what?” Taekwoon seethed. He wondered how much damage he could do if he let loose and punched Jaehwan just once.
“I don’t know Taekwoon. I didn’t think you were the type for relationships is all,” He said with a shrug and let go of Taekwoon’s sleeve.
“Don’t bullshit me!” Taekwoon roared, and it shocked the both of them. Taekwoon didn’t shout, like he didn’t know he was even capable of shouting. But his throat had turned sore and his jaw cracked with the sudden jolt of shouting. Jaehwan looked taken back and scared; he hadn’t a clue what was going on in Taekwoon’s head.
“I love you,” Taekwoon blurted out, not even caring at this point if the words came out clearly enough. He loved him. Loved the way he knew he was smiling genuinely when his eyes crinkled at the corners, or the way he would tug on Taekwoon’s fingers before he held his hand, or even how comfortable he was around him whether it was lounging on Taekwoon’s bed reading one of his books, sleeping on Taekwoon’s shoulder, or simply using his stuff as if it were his own. He loved how his stupid silver hair suited him, and how he’d purse his lips when he asked for something. He loved the way he traced his finger on the lines of Taekwoon’s hands over and over again until they ended up kissing.
Taekwoon loved Jaehwan, and but was faced with the possibility that Jaehwan did not love him. And it terrified him.
Jaehwan placed a trembling hand on Taekwoon’s cheek, his thumb brushing the corner of his lips. “I get it,” He murmured with an apologetic face. “Just don’t…don’t show me that expression again.” He said before he placed his lips against Taekwoon’s.
It was a different kiss, a far more gentle one, one that said he cared. It made Taekwoon weak at the knees and every angry thought that was once there had dispersed and nothing but the feel of Jaehwan close, and touching him was left there.
Taekwoon wanted to be closer, so much closer, and Jaehwan was all too pleased to oblige.
▲
Taekwoon had always seen this scene in films: someone waking up in a fluffy white bed, the sun seeping through the window, nothing but warmth on their expression. But he’d never thought of how good it felt, to wake up with images of the night before beating under your eyelids, your heart thumping erratically, and a small smile of satisfaction on your face.
Ever since he started sleeping with Jaehwan, he’d experience it, the feeling of being with someone you loved and floating on cloud nine. Only the instant he would open his eyes it’d crack because unlike the films he’d watched, the person he wanted to be beside him in the morning never was. And he was always left in a bed half empty and half cold.
Something had buzzed beside Taekwoon’s ear, throwing him out of his blissful sleep and tightly-held dreams. It wasn’t a surprise for him to wake up and see that Jaehwan wasn’t beside him, his clothes gone and a note that said see you later stuck to his pillow. It’d been two months and Taekwoon couldn’t ever remember waking up to see Jaehwan’s sleeping face.
Taekwoon tapped around the bed, searching for the source of the vibrating, to which Taekwoon had assumed it was his phone but when he grabbed something from under the pillow, it hadn’t felt nearly as big. When Taekwoon looked at it, he’d found it to be Jaehwan’s phone; small and old. The caller ID read ‘Mom’ and Taekwoon turned rigid as he contemplated what to do. He couldn’t answer the phone, but should he text her?
He didn’t have much time to ponder however, the phone had slid out from his hands too soon for him to do anything. When he looked up, he saw Jaehwan with a shopping bag in one hand and his phone in the other. He stared at the caller ID before hanging up and throwing the phone on his bed.
“A-aren’t you going to answer?” Taekwoon choked out, his throat dry and hoarse from sleep. Had he moaned that much last night? The thought made him hot, but Jaehwan’s indifferent expression had cooled him down quickly.
Jaehwan looked up at Taekwoon then and smiled softly. “Did you just wake up? I thought you’d have left by now, it’s noon.”
Taekwoon turned to find his phone on the counter beside Jaehwan’s bed and checked the time, it was ten minutes past one. Luckily, Taekwoon didn’t need to be anywhere today. He handed in his last piece of work for the month yesterday and had planned to celebrate the night watching films and playing board games, but Jaehwan had other ideas.
Typing tentatively, Taekwoon boldly asked a question he’d been holding back for the past couple of weeks. Why don't you see your family? What's going o between you and them? Taekwoon had known that Jaehwan’s family was always a taboo topic. It had reached past the point where he would ignore him, but sometimes he’d actually snap. That hadn’t stopped Taekwoon from asking.
Jaehwan read the message and looked up at Taekwoon. “I don’t want to talk about it. Drop it, Taekwoon,” He said, an evident frown on his face.
Taekwoon gripped the phone in his palm before tapping at it again. You can’t always avoid the topic, Jaehwan.
“Yes, yes I can.” Jaehwan said with a point and dropped the plastic bag to the ground. “I don’t know why you’re so persistent about this. Why can’t you just leave it alone? Why does it matter?” He retorted, aggressively ruffled his now ash-blond hair.
Because I want to get to know you--
“‘Because you love me, blah blah blah--’” Jaehwan rolled his eyes and turned around, giving Taekwoon the perfect opportunity to throw a cushion at the back of his head. “What the fuck--”
“What the fuck is your problem?!” Taekwoon shouted, and grabbed another cushion, throwing it and landing it square in his face. “Why can’t you just tell me already? What’s the big--What’s the big secret?!” Taekwoon had to catch his breath. He was sure his words were running together but his frustrations took the better of him.
“There is no secret! I just don’t want to talk about them,” Jaehwan retaliated, and threw a cushion back, only it missed Taekwoon completely. “Why can’t you understand that?”
Taekwoon scoffed, completely and utterly fed up with this mysterious, traumatic act he was playing. “Tell me, Jaehwan, tell me the big trauma you have,” Taekwoon mocked, his head shaking ridiculously.
Jaehwan knitted his eyebrows together, “What are you talking about?”
It was Taekwoon’s turn to roll his eyes as he grabbed his phone and tapped away quickly. You must have some big traumatic moment right? Some scary past? People like you always do. Smiling, saying ‘you’re fine’, but really broken inside, never trusting anyone. You’re so fucking obvious. Why don’t you just tell me already? Is your family out to kill you? Are your brothers fighting to be the heir of some big company? Are you on the lookout for some inheritance? Just tell me already, because I’ve had about enough of your bullshit.
Jaehwan’s eyes seemed to have grown larger with every word he read until he couldn’t take anymore and slapped the phone right out of Taekwoon’s hand. “Is that how you’ve always seen it?” He hissed between his teeth. “Is that what I was all this time to you Taekwoon? Some character in your fucking books--you stupid...I cannot believe--...enough--” Jaehwan kept cutting off as he threw anything, everything around the room. He unleashed his anger but he hadn’t stepped even an inch closer to Taekwoon.
“Say it clearer!” Taekwoon dared to shout, and was almost frightened to see Jaehwan come to a sudden still.
“You know what your problem is Taekwoon?” Jaehwan began, his eyes threatening to slide out of their sockets. “You’re not really here. You’re somewhere up there, in a world you’ve built up for yourself, seeing everything as your precious fucking books make the world out to be. Well news flash Taekwoon, it’s not real. None of it is fucking real!” He seemed to scream then but all Taekwoon could see was the lamp gripped in his hands before it hultered right towards him.
It missed him. It shattered into pieces on the wall behind him and Taekwoon knew because he felt shards fly at him from behind, cutting the back of his neck and the side of his jaw. He hadn’t checked for blood, because every nerve in his body went numb as Jaehwan continued to talk through haggard breaths.
“I’m not some…tragic little boy, Taekwoon. Why do I need a traumatic past to have trust issues? Why do I need some drama to not be able to talk about my family without wanting to break something? Why do I have to fit into your fucking generic, solid view of people just to satisfy your delusional needs? You want to know about them so badly? Fine, I’ll tell you! Where to start?” Jaehwan purposefully spoke slowly, he wanted Taekwoon to read every single word, as it brutally stabbed him in the chest. “How about I hate that I was the youngest in the family? Being compared to brothers who were smarter and better-looking than me? What about my father? He was barely at home, and when he was, he was crushing me with his glares. I chose history simply because he wanted me to. How I can’t trust anyone? That’s easy, break up after break up, after cheating, after finally giving up.”
Jaehwan started to pace then, but he made sure Taekwoon could see his face clearly. “Do you see how simple it all is? Are you disappointed? Did I not fit into that view you so strongly upheld for me? Well…say something Taekwoon!” He demanded, ripping the duvet off the bed and slamming his palms on the springs of the bed.
Taekwoon took a couple of deep breaths before speaking slowly. “And your mother?”
“Excuse me?”
“Your mother…” Taekwoon could feel his voice shake, so he decided to revert back to his phone. Your family is one thing but your mother seems different. You always get angry when I mention her, and she’s the only one I see calling you. Is there nothing going on with her?
As Jaehwan read the message, his shoulders seemed to deflate slowly before he gave in and fell into the bed. Taekwoon wondered if he was crying but he couldn’t tell, he had the back of his palms pressed against his eyes. “She was the only one I thought actually cared about me. She favoured me when I was little, or so I thought. She loved my singing…” Jaehwan choked for a moment, biting his lip, before he continued. “But she left one day, didn’t say a word to me and left. Left me with a father who saw his sons as competitors in this never-ending race of life. Couple of years later, and now she has the audacity to start calling me again.”
“Why…won’t you see her?”
Jaehwan let his hands drop, the lining around his eyes red. He looked so desolate. “I want to rip her face off, I want to shred that smile that once told me I mattered, to gauge out those eyes that said I was everything to her. Because I wasn’t, it was all a lie. That’s what people are, Taekwoon, they’re liars, hiding behind cowardly masks because they think if they show others their real self, they’d be alone forever. And it’s frightening, the idea that no one will ever need you, that you have no purpose but to continue living for the sole fact your heart still beats.” Jaehwan breathed out, not caring anymore if Taekwoon could read his lips or not.
Taekwoon lowered his eyes for a moment before tapping away slowly and tentatively at his phone. When he was done, he brought the screen up towards Jaehwan. Is that why you hate yourself? He asked and for the first time Taekwoon could see the tears begging to trickle down Jaehwan’s cheek.
“Yes,” He whispered.
▲
Taekwoon hadn’t regretted pushing Jaehwan into a corner where he had no choice but to speak about his family. But then again, nothing was the same after that. Jaehwan stopped texting, stopped coming over, even if he did smile and greet him in the hallways, or eat lunch with him and Hakyeon. Taekwoon wasn’t allowed to see Jaehwan like he used to, and with every passing day his heart numbed.
Even Hakyeon had noticed something was wrong. All around ignorant, oblivious Hakyeon had asked Taekwoon seriously if he was alright. It was at that point Taekwoon realised he had to get his head out of the clouds because no matter far he went, Jaehwan wasn’t at the other end. No matter how much he wanted him to be. In the end, the hope that flickered at the very beginning was nothing but a falling star, flashing brilliantly for a moment before dying into the darkness.
In the middle of April, Taekwoon had been offered an internship programme in England. His professor had told him he was against someone else in his course, but his last paper had granted him the final position for it. He didn’t let the fact that Jaehwan being a main inspiration for it get to him too much. In the end, nothing held him back from saying no, not when England was right before him, and Jaehwan was long gone.
Hakyeon had held a surprise party for him as congratulations, only it wasn’t so much of a surprise, considering he couldn’t hear them actually shout and the poppers were nothing but colourful. Even still, he had smiled for the first time in a long while.
“You were surprised, weren’t you?” Hakyeon grinned with a nudge of his elbow.
“Not really,” Taekwoon responded and took a sip from the beer in his hand. “Besides, I don’t know more than half the people here.”
Hakyeon gingerly choked on his drink before shrugging innocently. “Not my fault you're anti-social.” That earned Hakyeon a flick on the forehead.
“Jesus Christ, how does one finger have so much strength!” He cried whilst rubbing the top of his head. “Go socialize, for god sake! You’re not going to see these people again. By the time you’re back, we’d all have graduated. Aren’t you going to miss me, you bastard?!” Hakyeon snapped, a snarl on his lips, and Taekwoon couldn’t help chuckling.
“Are you going to miss me?” He teased.
“Hey--” Hakyeon stopped his outburst midway. “God, I can’t even pretend to be angry with you. Where did you learn to be so mischievous?” Jaehwan appeared in Taekwoon’s mind then but he quickly blinked away the image.
“Is it bad?”
“No…” Hakyeon said thoughtfully. “I think it’s good. You’ve changed the past few months, become more expressive? I just hope England won’t make you scuffle back into your shell again. Do you know how worried I’m going to be?” He sighed heavily.
A worrisome-looking Hakyeon didn’t settle right with Taekwoon so before he realised what he was doing, he pulled him into a hug and whispered, “Thank you.”
Hakyeon jumped in his arms and when Taekwoon pulled back he could see his bronze cheeks coloured with a faint pink. “Did--did you just hug me!? Did--did you just--am I fucking dreaming? I’m dreaming right? Hey, Taekwon pinch me…actually don’t, it’d hurt even if I was dreaming.” Hakyeon continued to ramble until Taekwoon firmly placed his hands on his shoulders and shook him. “Sorry, I said you’ve changed. But I’m not accommodating well to it apparently.” He shook his head. “You sure you’re going to be alright?”
“I’ll be fine,” Taekwoon reassured. They’ve assigned me a Korean and English-speaking helper from the neighbouring doctorate university. But I’m sure he won’t be half as welcoming as you. He raised a hand and ruffled Hakyeon’s hair, who slapped away his hand instantly to fix it up.
“Of course he won’t be!” Hakyeon raised his nose to the sky. “Who can you find to be more of an entertaining and helpful person? Hm? I’m a walking piece of art.” He emphasised with jazz hands and gestured to his body, as he humped the air.
Taekwoon was about to hold out a hand to stop him but he was already skipping down towards the dance floor, laughing maniacally as he flipped skirts of every girl he passed. Taekwoon groaned lowly, wondering how he managed to live with him for two years. But he hadn’t lied, he was glad Hakyeon had been there the whole time. Somehow he was the start of everything.
Someone bumped shoulders with Taekwoon then, smiling softly when he saw Wonsik shuffle up beside him. “You know, I know we haven’t been the closest of friends,” Wonsik began. “But I really do like you. You’re very careful of other people’s feelings. It makes them feel comfortable, y’know? But also recently, you’ve become friendlier. I was just wondering though, if everything was alright with Jaehwan?”
Taekwoon pondered for a moment; he didn’t know how to answer that. Was there even anything in the beginning that hinted for things to end alright? He didn’t want to think about it anymore. He had already spent nights drowning in emotions and enough thoughts to suck ten years of life from him.
“It’s fine now, Wonsik. Thank you,” Taekwoon replied and patted Wonsik on the back. Wonsik gave him a smile before running to jump onto Hakyeon’s back, and Taekwoon couldn’t help but burst into a fit of laughter.
As Taekwoon tried to find his breath back, he met eyes with a pair so familiar to him but so distant. And for the first time since Taekwoon met Jaehwan, his heart hadn’t skipped a beat but rather ached, ached with regrets, and unfinished words. Taekwoon wondered why he had noticed him all those months ago, amongst the dark and the people, and wondered if fate was really real. He didn’t like the idea of having predetermined destinies. It meant we had no free will. Yet somewhere deep inside, Taekwoon felt that meeting Jaehwan was an act of fate, the universe teaching him something he’d probably understand better in the future.
Taekwoon had always felt sad over the death of a character, after becoming so attached to them, only for them to be taken by the afterlife; it was heartbreaking. But what if the characters lived? That was a certain different type of heartbreak, to be within reach, yet never to touch. Taekwoon was determined never to feel it again.
And then Jaehwan turned away, slipped through the back and disappeared. that was the last time Taekwoon had seen him.
▲
“I think…that’s the last of it.” Taekwoon says as he sets down a large cardboard box at the front door. He looks into his new flat. Boxes upon boxes cover the polished wooden floor, and the summer sun seeping through the curtainless windows even make the bland cardboard sparkle.
Taekwoon feels a tap on the back, and sees a tall but fairly frail person slide beside him. “Sanghyuk, is that all?” Taekwoon asks, a hand placed delicately on the younger boy’s shoulder.
Sanghyuk lets his eyes slide over to Taekwoon, offering him a nasty side glare, before he unleashes his hands and throws him aggressive sign signals. After two years of basically being your slave, we finally move back to Korea, and you still treat me like a dog by making me carry all our crap up here!? Screw you.
Taekwoon chuckles softly and says, “I don’t think a dog could carry all thid stuff up here.”
Sanghyuk rolls his eyes and gracefully offers Taekwoon the finger before stomping into the apartment. He places his hands on his hips and gives the large space a once over before turning back to look at Taekwoon. Go get food! I’m bloody starving, and it’s the least you can do.
Taekwoon tilts his head to the side and gives Sanghyuk a mocking smirk. “Shouldn’t the dog fetch for the food?” He says, purposefully slow, because that’s what riles Sanghyuk’s nerves up the most.
“Get out!” Sanghyuk shouts with an aggressive point towards the exit. “I did not get paid enough for having to stick by for two long years, I really didn’t,” Sanghyuk grumbles mostly to himself before he slams the door shut in Taekwoon’s face.
Taekwoon stifles back his laughter as he makes his way to the elevator. He looks to his left and reads a sign saying the stairs are closed off for cleaning, and sighs happily, he had missed reading signs that were in Hangul. After two years in England, with Sanghyuk close by aiding him, Taekwoon had finally decided to return to Korea where he was offered a job at a publishing firm in Seoul.
As Taekwoon makes his way down the grey streets speckled with neon coloured signs, vendors and stalls, and bustling people, he sifts through the contacts on his phone. He’d been in constant contact with Hakyeon and visited during Christmas but he hadn’t told him he’d be moving back permanently.
Maybe he should go surprise him at his door step? Taekwoon found himself sniggering at the thought of Hakyeon’s surprised face; he’d have to get a picture this time. His mischievous thoughts came to a sudden halt the second someone slammed into his shoulder, the phone tumbling out of his grip.
Taekwoon quickly bends down to grab for the phone but someone had already picked it up and offered it to him. He thanks the stranger, before looking up and meeting eyes with him. A smile grew on Jaehwan’s face in an instant as he parts his lips to speak. “Now even I’ve got to admit this is too much of a cliche.”
Taekwoon feels his eyebrows knit together, the creases in his forehead doubling over. “Your hair’s black.”
Jaehwan blinks and tilts his head to the side. “What?”
“Your hair’s black. Why is it black?” Taekwoon grumbled before standing up, dusting off his trousers. “It’s making me uncomfortable.”
“As brutal as always, Mr Jung?” Jaehwan grins with a raised eyebrow.
The two of them decide to settle into a near by cafe because Taekwoon actually has no motivation to search for food for a picky eater like Sanghyuk, so he decides that he can’t go wrong with a sandwich since Jaehwan simply wants to talk.
“How have you been doing? How was England?” Jaehwan starts, taking a sip of his latte. It was the first time Taekwoon had seen him drink such a pretty, delicate drink - he just remembers him chugging down two cups of black coffee every morning.
Taekwoon slips out his phone and taps at the screen with his thumb, Good. I spent the two years well. Can you remind me why you dyed your hair black?
“Bothering you that much?” Jaehwan chuckles.
“You look…normal…” Taekwoon mutters under his breath, bringing his cappuccino to his mouth. “Even the way you smile now is different,” Taekwoon says thoughtfully, and watches as Jaehwan’s smile slips ever so slightly.
“Well, I’m still trying my best,” He takes a deep breath and settles his latte back on the table. “It’s been a long two years.” Jaehwan looks up then, and Taekwoon knows their conversation is stirring into dangerous territories. “I regret it you know, what happened back then.”
Taekwoon nods in agreement, keeping a blank expression as he types away at his phone. So do I. I wish I retaliated more back than. You treated me like shit.
“So I did,” Jaehwan replies with a sad smile. “I treated a lot of people horribly, even myself.” There’s a pause while Jaehwan centres his thoughts, and Taekwoon replies to a text. “I-I’ve been meaning to apologize,” He says suddenly and Taekwoon attempts in blinking away the shock on his face. “I--every time I think about it, I feel so infuriated with myself. How I took advantage of your feelings, how much I must have tortured you when…when you always tried your best. I must have destroyed--”
“Stop,” Taekwoon interrupts abruptly. “Calm down, Jaehwan. It wasn’t all that bad, you’re exaggerating.” Taekwoon attempts to comfort him.
“What?”
“What I’m saying is that I had fallen in love you back then for a reason. It wasn’t all bad. You weren’t bad, you just did stupid things,” Taekwoon explains slowly, making sure his lips form the words as clearly as possible.
“Seriously?” Jaehwan deflates into his seat. “You’ve always been so honest so why can’t I believe you right now?” He says, running a hand through his dark hair.
Taekwoon took a moment to stare at Jaehwan; he looked older, or was it more mature? It was as if life experience had aged him and now he just seemed like a broody, regretful old man.
You know, I probably wouldn’t be as happy as I am now if it weren’t for you, Jaehwan. Taekwoon saw a tiny spark light in his eyes as he read the message. It brought back a nostalgic heart ache that he quickly tried to stomp out as he continued typing. You taught me a lot of things. You taught me that I was lonely. Back then when I was so convinced I was okay without people, without friends, or someone who loved me. I realised that wasn’t true at all, I realised I was actually rather unhappy. Not that you made me that much happier, but you opened my eyes to a lot of things. You dragged me out of that world I had hidden in where the ending was always a happy outcome, and if it weren’t, I’d shut the book. I pushed my delusions on you, and for that I’m sorry. I know I forced you to become someone you weren’t. But at the end of the day, I did love you and that brought me here.
Taekwoon could see Jaehwan’s eyes brim with tears but he watched him quickly blink them away, and take a deep breath in. “Are you really happy right now?” Jaehwan asked.
Taekwoon thinks of his new apartment and everything waiting for him, and smiles. “Yes, yes I am.”
Jaehwan lets out a breath he seemed to have been holding, a small smile appearing on his white cheeks. “That’s good. I didn’t think I’d have that much of an impact but I seriously hoped I didn’t fuck you over completely.” He chuckles, his hand tucked under his chin.
“You did fuck me over completely.” Taekwoon laughs and shakes his head, chugging down the rest of his cappuccino.
Jaehwan’s smile disappears slowly as the mood turns solemn. “I did love you, you know. I know I never said it, but I was so incredibly obsessed with you. But I was all wrong about expressing it, I guess.” And with that Taekwoon knows Jaehwan has started to move on for good. Jaehwan who couldn't voice his emotions even if he was confronted with armed men, had admitted his once love for Taekwoon. And that was enough, he didn't expect anything more.
“I guess,” Taekwoon repeats, grabbing the cup tightly while using every power in his body not to let his hands tremble. In the distance, he sees a familiar silhouette coming from the entrance of the cafe, peering over the customers until his brown eyes meet Taekwoon’s. “Look’s like I have to go.”
Sanghyuk stomps his way towards Taekwoon, his teeth showing past his snarl. He doesn’t even notice Jaehwan as he starts communicating angrily though his hands. What are you doing idly sitting here like an idiot? Do you know how hungry I am!?
“Don’t be rude, I’m with someone Sanghyuk,” Taekwoon says, and Sanghyuk jolts in his place as he takes Jaehwan in for the first time.
“Oh, I’m so sorry. Hello, I’m Han Sanghyuk, Jung Taekwoon’s…assistant.” He introduces himself with that professional smile he had used on Taekwoon the first time they met. Two weeks into England, and Sanghyuk had turned a hundred and eight degrees on him.
Jaehwan looks from Taekwoon to Sanghyuk and tilts his head to the left curiously. “I’m Lee Jaehwan, nice to meet you.” Taekwoon sees Sanghyuk flinch but his smile doesn’t falter as he grabs his hand and shakes it hard.
“Nice to meet you too,” He says between his teeth before returning his gaze towards Taekwoon.
“Come on, we’re going home.” Sanghyuk says abruptly, and Taekwoon bites back the incredible urge to smile widely.
“What about food?”
Sanghyuk huffs and uses sign language to say I said we’re going home, Taekwoon.
Taekwoon allows himself a short scoff before nodding. “Yes, sir,” He replies and gets up from his seat. “It was good seeing you,” Taekwoon says politely and takes Jaehwan’s hand, an electric current zipping through them.
Jaehwan tightens his grip on his hand and takes a deep breath. “Same here. But let’s not do this again. I--I don’t like how I feel when I’m around you,” Jaehwan says finally before grabbing his things. He gives Sanghyuk one last smile, and looks at Taekwoon before closing his eyes and patting him on the shoulder. “Goodbye,” He says and leaves for the exit.
Taekwoon and Sanghyuk stand by the table for a moment, watching the door swing shut. Taekwoon looks down at Sanghyuk who seems unable to avert his eyes, but then he sees his hands move. Was that him? Sanghyuk signs.
Taekwoon grabs Sanghyuk by the arm and drags him outside, heading in the direction of their apartment. “Well, was it?” Sanghyuk asks after tugging on Taekwoon’s sleeve. Taekwoon gives him a nod, and Sanghyuk immediately begins to sulk.
I don’t like it. Sanghyuk pouts.
“Don’t like what?”
He’s too good-looking.
Taekwoon can’t help but burst out laughing, completely ignoring the death glares Sanghyuk was shooting at him. “You’re too cute!” The comment earned Taekwoon a bashful face he rarely got to see on someone so constantly angry as Sanghyuk. “I think this is the first time I’ve seen you jealous, Sanghyuk.” Taekwoon continues to tease, rewarded with a deeper shade of crimson on the boy’s cheeks.
“Don’t make fun of me you old man!” Sanghyuk shouts and jabs a pointed finger in Taekwoon’s direction. “And on that note, don’t do that anymore!”
Taekwoon tilts his head to the side and asks, “Do what?”
“That! That! That tilty thing you do with your head! It’s bloody annoying. And now that I know it’s a habit you got from that guy, it’s absolute off-limits. You hear me? Off-freaking-limits. You do it and I have no qualms about snapping that neck of yours,” Sanghyuk growls, his hands erratically flying in the air and his lips twitching angrily.
“Yes, sir.” Taekwoon jokingly salutes before swiftly continuing his walk home.
Sanghyuk quickly stomps beside him, a scowl on his face. What about food? I’m still hungry, you know.
Taekwoon thinks about it before reaching a conclusion. “Let’s got to the supermarket. I prefer your cooking.”
Sanghyuk gives him a side glance, and raises an eyebrow. “You’ve been eating it for two years. Aren’t you bored of it?”
Taekwoon smiles and says finally, “I don’t think I ever will.”
Notes: okay, jesus, where to start. well first i’d like to apologize to my recipient for completely missing the point of her prompts. im a horrible person and if you hate me, i totally understand. but if anything, i would hope someone had enjoyed this fic, or could even remotely relate to it. feelings suck man. it was a rush and a mess and i’m pretty sure i’ve never had so much breakdowns in the space of a month.
at the same time, i couldn’t do it without my special demons. d & k. this fic wouldn’t even exist if it weren’t for them pushing, and biting my ass from the planning out days. shout out to k for ungodly grammar abilities, if it wasn’t for her my tenses would have been fucked to and from beyond. her little (bloody) line following me as i type will never be forgotten really. and to d for her undying support, i lie- i think she contemplated murder on several accounts. but if not for her (and k of course) i’d be stuck somewhere at the top of this fic thinking about how to start the next scene cause god bless their imagination. and curse’d my lack of it.
ps. any sadness that this fic may have caused you is 100%, entirely, completely, and utterly my betas’ fault, but thats okay because the lack of smut tortured them just as much. whickedy whack, i’m out. (p.s.s. they also really like dick).