Letters You Will Never Get - Chuck/Blair (Chuck POV) - Part 1 -Gossip Girl Fiction
Title: Letters You Will Never Get - Part 1 - In Pieces
Author: force-oblique
Rating: G, possibly AU
Disclaimer: I dont own anything! :P
Characters/Pairings: Chuck/Blair - mention of other characters
Word Count: In Progress
Summary: Chuck's feelings as he watches Blair turn his back on him and realizing that she has no faith in them.
Author's Notes:This is my first Gossip Girl fiction and English is not my native language so please don't hate me of it sucks! :P Comments are appreciated. XD
Lyrics: "Break me Shake Me" By Savage Garden
Letters You Will Never Get
I watched you turn away from me and it was more than my world turning upside down.
It was more than me wanting to run after you and make you listen to me. Make you understand.
But instead, I just stood there whispering your name, wishing that even if the sight of you was long gone from my eyes, at least the sound of your name would never escape me…
Would never cease to sustain my existence.
It would be as if some abstract, intangible part of your remained with me.
>{I never thought I’d change my
opinion again
But you moved me in a way that I’ve
never known
You moved me in a way that I’ve
never known }
How I wish I could make you understand. But I knew I wouldn’t.
I wasn’t even sure I understood myself either.
So even if I caught up with you, what would I do?
I would just take your unwilling hands in mine and stare at your beautiful face, like the idiot that I am, without being able to say a thing, hoping that you could understand just by looking into my eyes.
Just like in the cheesy, corny romantic movies where all it takes for the “happily-ever-after” is for the hero to look at his damsel and she instantly knew they were meant for each other.
It sounds simple, clear, even plain but couldn’t things be like that?
It would be like a little miracle, wouldn’t it?
But stupid as I was I knew already that this kind of connection existed only in our imagination, that kind of understanding was mutual only in the world I had created in my mind.
A world I had created for you and me alone.
But we were stuck in this world where nothing was perfect.
A world that looked like hell compared to the world in my head, for it was a world in which you didn’t want me touching you, a world in which I meant next to nothing to you.
{But straight away you just moved
into position again
You abused me in a way that I’ve
never known
You abused me in a way that I’ve
never known }
I had known from the start that your affections didn’t lie with me. It was Nate.
Always Nate on your mind, in your heart.
But it felt like forever since you started dating him. It may have started in sixth grade.
It felt too old, too stale. I had never been that constant, stable in my life.
I had never kept a feeling for so long.
It didn’t occur to me that it would last that long.
We’ve been friends for more than I can remember.
I understand your jealous streak, your need for attention and admiration. Sometimes I thought that that need exceeded your need for food or water.
And I thought you knew me. The way I saw the world. Cynically, wearily.
{So break me shake me hate me
take me over
When the madness stops then you
will be alone
Just break me shake me hate me
take me over
When the madness stops then you
will be alone}
I have money just like you. I can have anything I want. Anything material. And those things are valuable.
But there’s some other things, notions -call them what you want- that can prove to be invaluable.
Namely my father’s love. It was never there.
Or maybe it was there, just not in the form I could recognize.
I guess I am not as different than other people as I thought.
I needed hugs and caresses and pats on the shoulder and soothing words when I felt depressed, too.
I guess sometimes I needed a hug and kiss more than the motivational speeches my father was delivering, as if I were an employee.
Yes, Blair. I really thought we were close enough for you to be able to see all that, see through all that and comprehend the extent of my insecurity.
That’s the only reason I only went for flings, for one-night-stands.
After all, according to my father, I was a failure and a disappointment anyways.
So why bother get attached to someone?
What was the point in putting emotions into something which was doomed from the very start?
{God, don't you know that I live with a ton
of regret?
'Cause I used to move you in a way
that you've never known
But then I accused you in a way that
you've never known
But you've hurt me in a way that I've
never known... }
After all, if I let anyone stay close enough for long, that would only make her see that I was really a loser.
Someone with nothing to offer but money.
Why let anyone see that?
Why put myself through the torment of having them leave me?
I did what I thought was best.
I took what I could and left. Of course I chose carefully. Mostly persons who were never interested in anything more anyways.
Occassionally, I would try something else of course.
Like Jenny. She was new. She didn’t know who I was then. And she seemed to like me.
That was good for a change. I had not planned to take it that far and I regret it.
I had no right to hurt her.
But maybe growing up in a sterile, emotion-deprived, devoid of warmth and sharing; environment has taken its toll on me.
It has caused me to become harsh and depthless too.
{So you’re the kind that deals with the
games in the mind
Well you confuse me in a way that
I’ve never known
You confuse me in a way that I’ve
never known}
But then again, it’s better to have people fear you a little, than let them feel comfortable enough to try to get close to you.
Because then, they would be able to see you. See me.
See me for who I really was. Maybe they would see that I was not that special.
There was nothing special in me, apart from my fortune.
Nothing setting me apart from them or anyone else.
Except… That my heart started beating again, just when I thought that it would never be brought into life again.
{So break me shake me hate me
take me over
When the madness stops then you
will be alone
So won’t you break me shake me hate me
take me over
When the madness stops then you
will be alone}
All those years, despite the conspicuous fun I had been having, or rather everyone thought that I’d been having, inside I felt hollow.
Vacant.. Like there was nothing left inside of me.
As if the absence of my mother,the lack of concern from my father had taken everything from me, leaving me empty, with a blank spot, an empty space within my chest.
And then your face, your radiance shone on me for a single moment.
It was all it took for me to be dazzled, bewitched.
I saw you in a different light.
{I never thought I’d change my
opinion again
But you moved me in a way that I’ve
never known
You moved me in a way that I’ve
never known}
For years, when I thought of you, I thought of you with Nate as a pair.
I guess it was more out of habit that out of my belief that you were really the perfect couple you thought you were.
It’s just that, Blair.
You always spoke of him in a way that never made me question the essence of your relationship.
But that same essence, that basis was faulty, feeble, and I think that some part of me knew that one day it would all come crashing down.
Everything would crumble in your perfect world and I would be the one to catch you.
Your perfect fallen, tainted angel.
An angel with clipped wings and bruises on his face and hands, but an angel, nonetheless.
Maybe a misunderstood one ….
An angel hiding his little horns underneath the glow of his blackened halo, hoping you would find his little tail cute.
And when you said it was over and that you didn’t care anymore about him, it was a shock I never thought I would recover from.
But there it was.
In that single moment, when you marched in front of me and into the club, I knew that all that time I had been blind.
But now I could see..
Of course I kept being my usual, charming, teasing friend, challenging you to do something wild, yet I don’t think the reality of this had sunk in.
It wasn’t till I marveled at your familiar face, glowing with a light I’d never seen before, or till I devoured, with my eyes, every line and curve of your delicious figure, that I realized that you were more than my friend or my accomplice.
{I never thought I’d change my
opinion again
But you moved me in a way that I’ve
never known
You moved me in a way that I’ve
never known}
Someone asked me “Who’s that girl?” and I answered “I have no idea”.
You would probably laugh if you knew that, I’m sure, but it was utterly true.
It was, at last, your time to break free of everything that had been holding you down.
It was your time to shine.
And I feel privileged and lucky to have been there to see that; to bear witness to that transformation, that revelation.
Oh, so lucky!
Because I’m sure that had I missed that, my heart would have never started beating in my chest again.
I would have continued to go on with my pointless existence, never finding out that there was more for me and for you.
I would have kept living the way I used to. Partying with girls I barely knew and who weren’t interested in knowing me either.
Isn’t that ironic? I would have kept being Chuck Bass.
Never knowing that I could be more than just a jackass, a loser or a disappointment to everyone.
Imagine that!
I would never find out that I could love.
That I could develop genuine feelings for someone.
That I could, even momentarily, put someone’s happiness above mine.
Even a little was a lot. A lot for someone as selfish as myself.
{So break me shake me hate me
take me over
When the madness stops then you
will be alone
Just break me shake me hate me
take me over
When the madness stops then you
will be alone}
Yet, holding you in my arms, being close to you at the back of the limo changed me. Altered me profoundly.
And having you reciprocate my touch, asking for my kiss, even initiating one, felt surreal, eerily exhilarating.
As if I had made a discovery more precious than the fact that I still held a soul and a heart.
That they were indeed human instead of something stony, heavy yet elusive and unthinkable.
Oh yes, I had a soul and a heart and I had bestowed them both to you.
{She says, " I can help you, but what
do you say?"
'Cause it's not free baby, you'll have
to pay
You just keep me contemplating, that
your soul is slowly fading }
I gave you everything I had more precious, without any words, without a sound in the hope that you would understand and feel the same.
{Break me shake me hate me
take me over
When the madness stops then you
will be alone
So won't you break me shake me
hate me take me over
When the madness stops then you
will be alone}
And then I just watched them both drop from your hands, with one shrug, shattering in hundreds of pieces…
So many that I knew that there was no hope for me of ever putting them together again….
{But straight away you just moved
into position again
You abused me in a way that I’ve
never known
You abused me in a way that I’ve
never known
Break me shake me hate me take
me make me
Fake me break me shake me hate
me take me
Break me }
End Of Part One
To Part [2]
Other Chuck/Blair Fiction:
*How Many Butterflies Can Fit In A Goodbye - [1] [2]
*This Toy Is Broken- [1]
*Bury Me Tonight - [1]
Author: force-oblique
Rating: G, possibly AU
Disclaimer: I dont own anything! :P
Characters/Pairings: Chuck/Blair - mention of other characters
Word Count: In Progress
Summary: Chuck's feelings as he watches Blair turn his back on him and realizing that she has no faith in them.
Author's Notes:This is my first Gossip Girl fiction and English is not my native language so please don't hate me of it sucks! :P Comments are appreciated. XD
Lyrics: "Break me Shake Me" By Savage Garden
Letters You Will Never Get
I watched you turn away from me and it was more than my world turning upside down.
It was more than me wanting to run after you and make you listen to me. Make you understand.
But instead, I just stood there whispering your name, wishing that even if the sight of you was long gone from my eyes, at least the sound of your name would never escape me…
Would never cease to sustain my existence.
It would be as if some abstract, intangible part of your remained with me.
>{I never thought I’d change my
opinion again
But you moved me in a way that I’ve
never known
You moved me in a way that I’ve
never known }
How I wish I could make you understand. But I knew I wouldn’t.
I wasn’t even sure I understood myself either.
So even if I caught up with you, what would I do?
I would just take your unwilling hands in mine and stare at your beautiful face, like the idiot that I am, without being able to say a thing, hoping that you could understand just by looking into my eyes.
Just like in the cheesy, corny romantic movies where all it takes for the “happily-ever-after” is for the hero to look at his damsel and she instantly knew they were meant for each other.
It sounds simple, clear, even plain but couldn’t things be like that?
It would be like a little miracle, wouldn’t it?
But stupid as I was I knew already that this kind of connection existed only in our imagination, that kind of understanding was mutual only in the world I had created in my mind.
A world I had created for you and me alone.
But we were stuck in this world where nothing was perfect.
A world that looked like hell compared to the world in my head, for it was a world in which you didn’t want me touching you, a world in which I meant next to nothing to you.
{But straight away you just moved
into position again
You abused me in a way that I’ve
never known
You abused me in a way that I’ve
never known }
I had known from the start that your affections didn’t lie with me. It was Nate.
Always Nate on your mind, in your heart.
But it felt like forever since you started dating him. It may have started in sixth grade.
It felt too old, too stale. I had never been that constant, stable in my life.
I had never kept a feeling for so long.
It didn’t occur to me that it would last that long.
We’ve been friends for more than I can remember.
I understand your jealous streak, your need for attention and admiration. Sometimes I thought that that need exceeded your need for food or water.
And I thought you knew me. The way I saw the world. Cynically, wearily.
{So break me shake me hate me
take me over
When the madness stops then you
will be alone
Just break me shake me hate me
take me over
When the madness stops then you
will be alone}
I have money just like you. I can have anything I want. Anything material. And those things are valuable.
But there’s some other things, notions -call them what you want- that can prove to be invaluable.
Namely my father’s love. It was never there.
Or maybe it was there, just not in the form I could recognize.
I guess I am not as different than other people as I thought.
I needed hugs and caresses and pats on the shoulder and soothing words when I felt depressed, too.
I guess sometimes I needed a hug and kiss more than the motivational speeches my father was delivering, as if I were an employee.
Yes, Blair. I really thought we were close enough for you to be able to see all that, see through all that and comprehend the extent of my insecurity.
That’s the only reason I only went for flings, for one-night-stands.
After all, according to my father, I was a failure and a disappointment anyways.
So why bother get attached to someone?
What was the point in putting emotions into something which was doomed from the very start?
{God, don't you know that I live with a ton
of regret?
'Cause I used to move you in a way
that you've never known
But then I accused you in a way that
you've never known
But you've hurt me in a way that I've
never known... }
After all, if I let anyone stay close enough for long, that would only make her see that I was really a loser.
Someone with nothing to offer but money.
Why let anyone see that?
Why put myself through the torment of having them leave me?
I did what I thought was best.
I took what I could and left. Of course I chose carefully. Mostly persons who were never interested in anything more anyways.
Occassionally, I would try something else of course.
Like Jenny. She was new. She didn’t know who I was then. And she seemed to like me.
That was good for a change. I had not planned to take it that far and I regret it.
I had no right to hurt her.
But maybe growing up in a sterile, emotion-deprived, devoid of warmth and sharing; environment has taken its toll on me.
It has caused me to become harsh and depthless too.
{So you’re the kind that deals with the
games in the mind
Well you confuse me in a way that
I’ve never known
You confuse me in a way that I’ve
never known}
But then again, it’s better to have people fear you a little, than let them feel comfortable enough to try to get close to you.
Because then, they would be able to see you. See me.
See me for who I really was. Maybe they would see that I was not that special.
There was nothing special in me, apart from my fortune.
Nothing setting me apart from them or anyone else.
Except… That my heart started beating again, just when I thought that it would never be brought into life again.
{So break me shake me hate me
take me over
When the madness stops then you
will be alone
So won’t you break me shake me hate me
take me over
When the madness stops then you
will be alone}
All those years, despite the conspicuous fun I had been having, or rather everyone thought that I’d been having, inside I felt hollow.
Vacant.. Like there was nothing left inside of me.
As if the absence of my mother,the lack of concern from my father had taken everything from me, leaving me empty, with a blank spot, an empty space within my chest.
And then your face, your radiance shone on me for a single moment.
It was all it took for me to be dazzled, bewitched.
I saw you in a different light.
{I never thought I’d change my
opinion again
But you moved me in a way that I’ve
never known
You moved me in a way that I’ve
never known}
For years, when I thought of you, I thought of you with Nate as a pair.
I guess it was more out of habit that out of my belief that you were really the perfect couple you thought you were.
It’s just that, Blair.
You always spoke of him in a way that never made me question the essence of your relationship.
But that same essence, that basis was faulty, feeble, and I think that some part of me knew that one day it would all come crashing down.
Everything would crumble in your perfect world and I would be the one to catch you.
Your perfect fallen, tainted angel.
An angel with clipped wings and bruises on his face and hands, but an angel, nonetheless.
Maybe a misunderstood one ….
An angel hiding his little horns underneath the glow of his blackened halo, hoping you would find his little tail cute.
And when you said it was over and that you didn’t care anymore about him, it was a shock I never thought I would recover from.
But there it was.
In that single moment, when you marched in front of me and into the club, I knew that all that time I had been blind.
But now I could see..
Of course I kept being my usual, charming, teasing friend, challenging you to do something wild, yet I don’t think the reality of this had sunk in.
It wasn’t till I marveled at your familiar face, glowing with a light I’d never seen before, or till I devoured, with my eyes, every line and curve of your delicious figure, that I realized that you were more than my friend or my accomplice.
{I never thought I’d change my
opinion again
But you moved me in a way that I’ve
never known
You moved me in a way that I’ve
never known}
Someone asked me “Who’s that girl?” and I answered “I have no idea”.
You would probably laugh if you knew that, I’m sure, but it was utterly true.
It was, at last, your time to break free of everything that had been holding you down.
It was your time to shine.
And I feel privileged and lucky to have been there to see that; to bear witness to that transformation, that revelation.
Oh, so lucky!
Because I’m sure that had I missed that, my heart would have never started beating in my chest again.
I would have continued to go on with my pointless existence, never finding out that there was more for me and for you.
I would have kept living the way I used to. Partying with girls I barely knew and who weren’t interested in knowing me either.
Isn’t that ironic? I would have kept being Chuck Bass.
Never knowing that I could be more than just a jackass, a loser or a disappointment to everyone.
Imagine that!
I would never find out that I could love.
That I could develop genuine feelings for someone.
That I could, even momentarily, put someone’s happiness above mine.
Even a little was a lot. A lot for someone as selfish as myself.
{So break me shake me hate me
take me over
When the madness stops then you
will be alone
Just break me shake me hate me
take me over
When the madness stops then you
will be alone}
Yet, holding you in my arms, being close to you at the back of the limo changed me. Altered me profoundly.
And having you reciprocate my touch, asking for my kiss, even initiating one, felt surreal, eerily exhilarating.
As if I had made a discovery more precious than the fact that I still held a soul and a heart.
That they were indeed human instead of something stony, heavy yet elusive and unthinkable.
Oh yes, I had a soul and a heart and I had bestowed them both to you.
{She says, " I can help you, but what
do you say?"
'Cause it's not free baby, you'll have
to pay
You just keep me contemplating, that
your soul is slowly fading }
I gave you everything I had more precious, without any words, without a sound in the hope that you would understand and feel the same.
{Break me shake me hate me
take me over
When the madness stops then you
will be alone
So won't you break me shake me
hate me take me over
When the madness stops then you
will be alone}
And then I just watched them both drop from your hands, with one shrug, shattering in hundreds of pieces…
So many that I knew that there was no hope for me of ever putting them together again….
{But straight away you just moved
into position again
You abused me in a way that I’ve
never known
You abused me in a way that I’ve
never known
Break me shake me hate me take
me make me
Fake me break me shake me hate
me take me
Break me }
End Of Part One
To Part [2]
Other Chuck/Blair Fiction:
*How Many Butterflies Can Fit In A Goodbye - [1] [2]
*This Toy Is Broken- [1]
*Bury Me Tonight - [1]