Top Ten Gay Movie Cliches
Last week there was a rather entertaining piece in the Grauniad on the "Top Ten Gay Movie Cliches" by Gay Times write Jack Cullen, and ...erm...well...I couldn't help thinking of a certain series that's rather dear to our hearts. See what you think.
1. Artistic shots of trees
"Nothing conveys the gay psyche like a bleak sky glimpsed through a dizzying rush of distant poplars..."
Check!
2. The ironing mother
"She is angsty, sombre, frayed, yet just a tiny bit fabulous....She needs to be watching a massively crap chat show or a feckless daytime TV quiz. She should shout at the TV as if it can hear her and she will definitely shout at her gay son when he comes in from school."
Okay there are no Ironing Mothers in Hornblower, but Horatio does bribe the Steward into doing his ironing for him in The Examination for Lieutenant, does that count?!
3. Scenes of gratuitous rage
"How dare that boy call me a faggot!? How dare my dad suggest he wants me to be straight like him and everyone else he's ever known!? It's time for a moment of rage!"
Archie's hissy fit on Renown fits the bill perfectly.
4. The long and unexplained shower scene
"The main character takes a shower, as most people tend to do on a daily basis. For some reason, this has to be included in the film. Unlike most showers, it goes on for quite some time. With plenty of lather. Some shower scenes (Midnight Express, Gus Van Sant's Elephant) get it right. But mostly, they're just baffling."
No need to comment really.
5. Beautiful eyes staring into the distance
"Mesmerising peepers - as deep, blue and mysterious as a lake - will often be captured on the point of tears, before being clenched tightly shut to indicate intense feeling."
Ditto.
I seem to recall that Mr Bush does some particularly attractive staring into the distance in Loyalty and Duty but I haven't capped those episode yet, can any one else oblige?
6. The heartwrenching piano score
"Preferably by Sibelius - not the Finnish composer, but the affordable software programme that lets anyone become a bedroom Beethoven."
Erm...okay, the Indy theme doesn't really cut it does it?!
7. An introspective fag break
"It's all getting a bit much for our hero Tyler/Ricky/Brent/Hugo: his secret longings, his stubborn parents, that boy in the swimming team, the imminent school poetry contest. What better way to communicate this inner turmoil on a budget than to have Tyler/Ricky/Brent/Hugo pop out for a cigarette and look tremendously introspective while he's about it."
There are bizarrely few smoking scenes in the series. Bit of a oversight there really. So I'm going to cheat and nominate this one instead. It's a classic. (What? I'm the mod. I'm allowed to bend the rules ;)
8. The generic clubbing scene
"The T-shirts are white, the music is thudding, the lasers are green, and the night is hot, hard, deep and relentless. We don't want faces, we want a feeling of anonymity and collective isolation - in other words, lots of shots of smooth tanned necks filmed from behind. Wait, who's that over there? A face is emerging from the muscly crowd. Could this be the introduction of another character in the … Ooh, look, he's noticed you, too! And now you're kissing! Cut to the bedroom."
Does Horatio reminding Archie how they "drank Portsmouth dry" when they got transferred to Renown count? It's either that or Randall dancing a jig on Renown and I know which screencap I prefer!
9. A male body filmed very slowly in close-up
"The softly pulsating ribcage that looks like pale fingers grasping a mug of tea. The erect, quivering nipple. A single chest hair. Goose-pimples. Back dimples. Lots of titillating pans southwards: following the curve of a shoulder blade down to the spine, leading to that big lolling wave of arse; from the enclave of the belly button to the taut, tanned abs, and then - gulp - into cock country. Intersperse with shots of sad, beautiful eyes (see above)."
*wibble*
10. Complex acknowledgements
"Ideally, the end credits should be about the same length as the film. The more charities, sponsors, authoritative-sounding organisations, obscure archives and volunteer van drivers the better."
Does fanfic count?
So there you have it. Hornblower - the gayest tv series ever to grace the small screen? You decide!
You can read the original article here but it doesn't have as many pretty pictures as the following_sea version. Feel free to post your own favourite caps or scenes below.
PS I suspect "The Naval Romance" aka Master and Commander would also check most of these boxes nicely ;)
1. Artistic shots of trees
"Nothing conveys the gay psyche like a bleak sky glimpsed through a dizzying rush of distant poplars..."
Check!
2. The ironing mother
"She is angsty, sombre, frayed, yet just a tiny bit fabulous....She needs to be watching a massively crap chat show or a feckless daytime TV quiz. She should shout at the TV as if it can hear her and she will definitely shout at her gay son when he comes in from school."
Okay there are no Ironing Mothers in Hornblower, but Horatio does bribe the Steward into doing his ironing for him in The Examination for Lieutenant, does that count?!
3. Scenes of gratuitous rage
"How dare that boy call me a faggot!? How dare my dad suggest he wants me to be straight like him and everyone else he's ever known!? It's time for a moment of rage!"
Archie's hissy fit on Renown fits the bill perfectly.
4. The long and unexplained shower scene
"The main character takes a shower, as most people tend to do on a daily basis. For some reason, this has to be included in the film. Unlike most showers, it goes on for quite some time. With plenty of lather. Some shower scenes (Midnight Express, Gus Van Sant's Elephant) get it right. But mostly, they're just baffling."
No need to comment really.
5. Beautiful eyes staring into the distance
"Mesmerising peepers - as deep, blue and mysterious as a lake - will often be captured on the point of tears, before being clenched tightly shut to indicate intense feeling."
Ditto.
I seem to recall that Mr Bush does some particularly attractive staring into the distance in Loyalty and Duty but I haven't capped those episode yet, can any one else oblige?
6. The heartwrenching piano score
"Preferably by Sibelius - not the Finnish composer, but the affordable software programme that lets anyone become a bedroom Beethoven."
Erm...okay, the Indy theme doesn't really cut it does it?!
7. An introspective fag break
"It's all getting a bit much for our hero Tyler/Ricky/Brent/Hugo: his secret longings, his stubborn parents, that boy in the swimming team, the imminent school poetry contest. What better way to communicate this inner turmoil on a budget than to have Tyler/Ricky/Brent/Hugo pop out for a cigarette and look tremendously introspective while he's about it."
There are bizarrely few smoking scenes in the series. Bit of a oversight there really. So I'm going to cheat and nominate this one instead. It's a classic. (What? I'm the mod. I'm allowed to bend the rules ;)
8. The generic clubbing scene
"The T-shirts are white, the music is thudding, the lasers are green, and the night is hot, hard, deep and relentless. We don't want faces, we want a feeling of anonymity and collective isolation - in other words, lots of shots of smooth tanned necks filmed from behind. Wait, who's that over there? A face is emerging from the muscly crowd. Could this be the introduction of another character in the … Ooh, look, he's noticed you, too! And now you're kissing! Cut to the bedroom."
Does Horatio reminding Archie how they "drank Portsmouth dry" when they got transferred to Renown count? It's either that or Randall dancing a jig on Renown and I know which screencap I prefer!
9. A male body filmed very slowly in close-up
"The softly pulsating ribcage that looks like pale fingers grasping a mug of tea. The erect, quivering nipple. A single chest hair. Goose-pimples. Back dimples. Lots of titillating pans southwards: following the curve of a shoulder blade down to the spine, leading to that big lolling wave of arse; from the enclave of the belly button to the taut, tanned abs, and then - gulp - into cock country. Intersperse with shots of sad, beautiful eyes (see above)."
*wibble*
10. Complex acknowledgements
"Ideally, the end credits should be about the same length as the film. The more charities, sponsors, authoritative-sounding organisations, obscure archives and volunteer van drivers the better."
Does fanfic count?
So there you have it. Hornblower - the gayest tv series ever to grace the small screen? You decide!
You can read the original article here but it doesn't have as many pretty pictures as the following_sea version. Feel free to post your own favourite caps or scenes below.
PS I suspect "The Naval Romance" aka Master and Commander would also check most of these boxes nicely ;)