Kurt/Blaine: The Five Stages of Getting Over Kurt Hummel (3/3)
Title: The Five Stages of Getting Over Kurt Hummel (3/3)
Pairings: Kurt/Blaine
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 25,667
Spoilers: None.
Warnings: Mild violence.
Summary: One night during the spring of their freshman year of college, Kurt breaks up with Blaine over Skype. He claims that he misses Blaine too much due to their seven hour separation. All he ever does is miss Blaine and it's just too much for him to bear any longer, so he ends the relationship. Blaine has no warning, no inkling, nothing. At first he's in denial, then furious, then depressed. He becomes hopeful that he'll get Kurt back only to backslide again when an unexpected phone call comes his way. Back and forth Blaine bounces between the five stages of grief as he tries to do the hardest thing he's ever had to do: get over Kurt Hummel. His soulmate. The love of his life. The first and only boy to ever truly steal his heart, who had in turn ripped that heart right in two. Can Blaine repair the wounds that Kurt's hurtful actions have left behind? Or will he continue to flounder his way through those stages, never quite making it to a level of acceptance that will actually stick.
A/N: This story was written for the Blaine Big Bang over at beyond-dapper. It was betaed by the wonderful and amazing silverdragon87, alpha read by oddmeants & pavementchaser, and an amazingly perfect fanmix was made for it by brainspasmz.
Previous
Depression (Take Three)
Blaine stared at the ceiling.
There were five hundred and sixty-seven dots on the ceiling tile directly above his head. The first time he’d counted them, he’d come up with five hundred and seventy-two. The second time he’d counted, he’d gotten five hundred and fifty-six. The third and fourth times he’d focused really hard and had gotten five hundred and sixty-seven. The fifth was just to be check, and sure enough, he’d been able to declare with certainty that the number of dots on that particular tile was in fact five hundred and sixty-seven.
Of course, he had no one to declare it to, but the point of the matter was that he’d accomplished something.
Brandon had abandoned him earlier that morning to do homework. Blaine didn’t blame him for not being able to get it done in the room. He knew that his sudden shift in mood couldn’t have been easy to deal with. Just as the one before this had been. And the one before that.
He sighed and scooted a few feet down the mattress. His feet were dangling off the end of the bed now, sticking out of the blankets. Not that he cared.
Now, a new ceiling tile was above his face. It was time to see if this one was identical to the last.
“One, two, three…” he got all the way to one hundred and fourteen before his phone interrupted him.
“Hello?” he asked dully, not bothering to look at the caller ID.
“Are you beardless yet?” Santana asked.
“No,” he simply replied, trying to get back to his counting.
“Well what are you waiting for? Right now you’re like Brad Pitt in that terrifying beard and shaggy hair phase. You need to get back to ‘Meet Joe Black’ Brad, like, yesterday,” Santana said. “And Brittany agrees with me, but she says she can’t imagine you with a beard. I told her to think of---”
“Can we not, San? I’m really not in the mood.”
“What crawled up your ass and died? I thought you were doing better.”
“Yeah, I was until Kurt drunk dialed me last night,” Blaine said. Santana was silent for a long time.
“Okay spill. What happened?”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” he lied.
“Yes you do. So talk,” she said.
Blaine closed his eyes and sighed heavily. He was so not in the mood for this. All he wanted to do was count the dots on the ceiling tiles. When he did that, he didn’t think about anything else because he didn’t have time. With all the counting, there was simply no space in his brain to consider anything else. It was lovely. No, it was amazing and he was furious with himself that he hadn’t thought of it earlier.
“He called me drunk. Said that he was drinking to try to forget me because he still misses me. Said that he wants to get back together and that he loves me so much. I told him no and that’s that,” Blaine said.
“Jesus,” Santana gritted through her teeth. Blaine knew that’s what she was doing.
He could picture her perfectly in his mind, but he didn’t want to because Brittany was there. Santana was happy at the moment. While Blaine was truly happy for his friend, he also didn’t want to hear or think about it or see it lest it send him even deeper into the vat of sadness he was currently treading water in.
“Yeah. It was really super. After I hung up on him, I punched the wall, fractured my pinkie, and had to get eight stitches to put my knuckles back together.”
“What in the hell did you hit the wall for, Blaine?” she asked exasperatedly.
“Clearly I wasn’t thinking at the moment. I’ve never been so angry in my entire life. Did he really think that I was just going to fall back into his lap after the two weeks of hell he’s put me through?”
“If he was drunk, yeah, he probably did think that.”
“Well, he was pretty fucking wrong,” Blaine said with a shrug, one that Santana couldn’t see but he hoped that she’d know he was doing it just the way he’d known that she was speaking through her teeth earlier.
“How’s your hand?” she asked.
“It hurts like hell. I have pain pills, but you’re supposed to take them with food and I was throwing up half the night because I didn’t eat before I went to bed,” he explained.
“Then why don’t you eat something?”
“Because I’m not hungry.”
“Bullshit. You’re always hungry.”
“No, I’m not.”
“Blaine, go eat something.”
“Santana, I’m not hungry.”
“Well if you’re going to be ridiculous…”
“I’m not being ridiculous!” he shouted, only momentarily feeling bad for yelling at her, because his throat was tightening and it was taking everything within him not to just start sobbing on the spot. “I don’t know what to do. I was just starting to feel like I could move on and now I know that he wants me back.”
“Oh Blaine…” she said sympathetically.
“No, don’t,” he said, clamping his eyes shut tight, “Look, I know that we can’t get back together, but that doesn’t make it any easier. I miss him so much and knowing that he wants me back, too...” He paused and swallowed hard a few times, trying to get himself under control. “I know that I can’t trust him anymore because he did this to me. I know that, but it doesn’t make me miss him any less. I just miss him, San.”
“I know you do,” Santana said softly. “What can I do?”
“I don’t know,” he groaned, “Make him go away? I mean, I was doing better but then he just showed up again. What if he keeps doing that and I can never get over him?”
“You will though, Blaine.”
“But what if I don’t?” he demanded.
“Then your life is going to be really sad and pathetic. There, that’s what you want to hear, isn’t it?” she said. “Look, Blaine. I love you. You know I do. But sitting there on your ass with your sad little broken hand isn’t going to solve anything. You either get your ass out of bed and get over Kurt or you get your ass out of bed and go get him back. Those are your only two options.”
“But I don’t want him back. I mean, I do, but I can’t ever be with him again because of what he did to me,” he sighed. “What should I do?”
“I can’t tell you that. You say that you can’t forgive him, but maybe you can. I don’t know. Only you can know that. So make up your mind and do something about it,” she said. “If you want him back, get him back. If you don’t, then get back to work on moving on.”
Blaine chewed lightly on his bottom lip and thought over her words. He could hear her whispering, obviously filling Brittany in on what was going on. He didn’t blame her. If the roles were reversed and he was lying happily in bed with Kurt while consoling Santana, he would’ve been doing the same thing.
But he wasn’t in bed with Kurt. He was alone. His hand hurt. His heart hurt. His stomach hurt. Everything just hurt.
“I’m going to go,” he said into the phone.
“Okay. Call me if you need me. Please,” Santana told him.
“Will do,” he said, hanging up and dropping his phone to the floor.
He looked at the ceiling again. Counting the dots sounded like too much effort. He groaned and rolled over, staring at the wall instead. Lying that way made his hand throb too much.
With a huff, he sat up, scrubbed his good hand over his face, and looked around the room. Santana was right. He needed to do something. But what?
Move on again when he knew how good the chance was that he was going to keep backsliding like this? Keep getting better and then worse? Better then worse? Blaine honestly didn’t know if he could take it anymore.
So what else could he do? Go back to Kurt? The man who’d broken his heart? And had then torn open the wound and broken it all over again? Could do really do that? Could he potentially open himself up to all of that hurt again? Could he grow to trust Kurt again?
The answer was simple.
Bargaining (Take Two)
“Brandon, I need to borrow your car,” Blaine said into the phone, already standing in the middle of the room with a fresh change of clothes on his body and his wallet in his back pocket.
“Why?” Brandon asked softly, clearly still at the library.
“I’m going to New York.”
“Blaine, no.”
“I’ll pay you five hundred dollars if you let me take your car today,” Blaine said.
“I don’t care about my car, I care about what you’re doing. Think about it. You can’t do this.”
“Actually, I can. And honestly, I’m going to take your car whether you tell me I can or not,” Blaine told him. Brandon sighed.
“I hope you know what you’re doing,” Brandon said.
"Yeah, me too,” Blaine replied honestly before hanging up. The keys were already in his good hand and as soon as the call was disconnected, Blaine was out the door.
He looked terrible. When he caught a glimpse of himself in the rearview mirror, he was shocked at what he saw. But maybe that was good. Hopefully Kurt would see how miserable he was and it would help break down those walls that he always kept up. The ones that had kept him from calling Blaine sober and telling him that he was miserable. This was exactly how it needed to be.
He would show up, they would see each other for the first time in months, and that was all that would need to happen. Then they would fall into each other’s arms and get back together. Yes, all he needed was to see Kurt.
Before, he’d been stupid enough to think that just hearing his voice would be good enough, but he was wrong. They needed to be in each other’s presence. Feel each other’s warmth. Smell each other, taste each other, feel each other the way they’d used to back when everything was still okay and they’d been happy.
More than anything, Blaine just wanted to feel happy again and nothing in the world made him happier than Kurt. Funnily enough, nothing in the world could make him feel more awful than Kurt, either. That was true love, though. When you love someone so passionately, you’re going to experience the whole gamut of strong emotions with them. Blaine knew that now. He understood it now.
If he didn’t love Kurt, he never would’ve been able to feel the hate that he’d felt for Kurt the day before.
Kurt had told him that he still loved him, and Blaine still loved him, too. Even if things didn’t work out the way he was hoping they would-the way he needed them to-Blaine would love Kurt for the rest of his life. Kurt was not only his first love, but his true love. There was no doubt in his mind about that.
With time, he would move on and find somebody new to love, but it would never be the same. He would never love someone the way he loved Kurt. It just wasn’t possible.
So he drove. It took almost seven and a half hours to reach Kurt’s dorm, but he made it before darkness had completely descended on the city.
He found a place to park, one that was going to cost him a fortune no matter how long he took. He really hoped that he’d wind up paying the steep price for overnight parking. That he and Kurt would wind up spending the night together, crying and laughing and making up for lost time in each other’s arms.
“You can do this,” Blaine said aloud, looking at himself through the mirror and barely recognizing the lifeless hazel eyes that were staring back at him. He’d recognize them again soon enough. He had a good feeling about that. He was about to get his life back, the life he was supposed to have. Not the pathetic existence he’d been living for the last two weeks.
He climbed from the car and slowly walked the blocks to Kurt’s building. There was no reason to rush. It was important that he be ready for this conversation. He went over all possible scenarios in his head. Even the bad ones didn’t leave him feeling as sad as they could have, because they involved him knowing for sure what the future held. But he didn’t feel that he needed to prepare for those negative outcomes because this was going to work.
They both still wanted to be together, so they needed to stop being stubborn and just be together. Yes, it was going to be hard while they were in college and there would be lots of trust issues to work through, but it was worth it. Because after college came the rest of their lives. Together.
Blaine entered the building and schmoozed the girl working at the front desk until she let him in despite the fact that he probably looked like a deranged homeless person. He climbed the stairs to the fourth floor and was about to open the door that led from the stairwell to the hallway when he heard a voice.
Kurt’s voice.
His heart surged and he stepped forward, peeking through the window in the door to catch a glimpse before he surprised Kurt. The love of his life. The man of his dreams.
Kurt was walking past just then, looking perfect as always. His hair was done the way Blaine loved, a pair of sinfully tight skinny jeans on his legs and a snug gray t-shirt stretched across his broad shoulders, chest, and back. Everything about it was perfect except for two things.
One, Kurt was laughing. Two, Kurt wasn’t alone.
The guy walking beside Kurt was good-looking, but nothing compared to Kurt. No one was anything compared to Kurt, though. Blaine himself felt like a hideous slob whenever he stood next to that slice of human perfection named Kurt Hummel.
But it didn’t matter how cute or ugly this guy was, because it was obvious that they were close. Their shoulders bumped as they walked down the hallway laughing together. Kurt looked so happy.
Blaine stepped back from the window and practically ran down the stairs.
He couldn’t do this.
Not to Kurt.
Not to himself.
If he approached Kurt right now, it wouldn’t do anything. Kurt would gently send him away, explaining that it had been the alcohol talking, because there was no way it hadn’t been. If Kurt was really as sad as he’d seemed on the phone that night, he wouldn’t be able to be this happy now. Blaine knew that he couldn’t be. Even if he was surrounded by Brandon and Santana and everyone else who made him feel good, he wouldn’t be able to laugh the way that Kurt had been laughing. He wouldn’t be able to look as perfect and put together as Kurt had.
So no, he couldn’t approach Kurt and take that happiness away from him. Even though Kurt had stripped away his own need to be happy, Blaine just couldn’t do that to him because he loved him too much. If Kurt was happy, then Blaine would leave him alone. He would take the drunken phone call as just that-a drunken phone call.
Even though he could feel what remained of his heart breaking yet again, there was also a strange sense of peace settling over him. Before he entered the parking garage, he turned and looked back at the dorm building, imagining that he could hear the sound of Kurt’s laughter from inside. It had been his absolute favorite sound in the world from the first time he’d heard it, even before he had realized his feelings for Kurt.
Now, he knew it always would be.
Acceptance (Take Two)
It was nearing four in the morning by the time Blaine stepped back into their dorm room. He’d stopped more than once just to break up the monotony of the drive and also to purchase large caffeinated beverages in hopes of keeping himself alert. During the entire trip, he’d never once turned on the radio.
He hadn’t thought much either, just sat in the quiet darkness, the lights on the dashboard soft and calming as he headed back east. Back to Pittsburgh. Away from Kurt.
His chest throbbed at the thought, but at the same time he felt a little…relieved. Now that he’d seen what he’d seen, he could start to actually get on with his life. It wasn’t the life he’d imagined for himself. Whenever he’d really sat back and dreamed of what the future held, Kurt was always there beside him. But that wasn’t going to happen. It was time to move on, no matter what obstacles presented themselves to him.
When he got home, he collapsed into bed fully clothed, ignoring the mumbled question he heard Brandon ask as the door clicked shut.
Sometime in the early afternoon, Blaine finally climbed out of bed, his legs scorching from sleeping in jeans and his head throbbing. He took some Advil, grabbed his shower caddy, and headed for the bathroom. When he got there, he looked at himself in the mirror.
He didn’t look like himself. Not at all. And it wasn’t just the beard, but that certainly wasn’t helping. Leaning in over one of the sinks in the bathroom, Blaine closely inspected his face. Yes, it was time for the beard to go.
Blaine spent the next half hour trimming the hair short and then shaving it all off. When he was finished, he smoothed a hand over his chin and smiled. That was better. Much better.
He showered and dressed and once all of that was done, he finally grabbed his desk chair and pulled it over near Brandon’s bed. It had been obvious since Blaine had woken up that Brandon was dying to know what happened in New York, but was giving Blaine space until he was ready to talk.
“He was happy,” Blaine said. Brandon nodded, fiddling with the Xbox controller in his hand.
“What did he say?”
“He didn’t say anything. I saw him walking with this guy and laughing and looking great and happy and I couldn’t ruin that for him,” Blaine explained.
“You still love him,” Brandon said, not questioning, just stating a fact.
“I always will, but I think I’m going to be okay,” Blaine said.
“Yeah, you will be,” Brandon told him, bending over to grab something off the floor. He held out another controller to Blaine. “You want to play?”
“Yeah,” Blaine said with a smile, climbing from his chair to sit on the bed beside Brandon. He thought about Kurt then for just a moment, how he would roll his eyes at Blaine with a little smile for spending time so much time playing video games. But the thought of Kurt didn’t hurt as much as it had before. Blaine closed his eyes and allowed himself just a moment to conjure up a perfect image of Kurt’s face, and then he pushed it away.
He really was going to be okay.
Postlude: The Surprise
Two weeks had passed since Blaine made the trip to New York. He’d gone to all of his classes, had eaten three meals a day (sometimes four if he and Brandon decided that they needed Taco Bell in the middle of a late-night Call of Duty binge), had shaved every morning, and had almost started to feel normal again. He knew that it would take time, but some had passed and he was already starting to feel better. Human. Like Blaine again.
It was finally the weekend. Blaine had already finished the paper that was due on Monday. It was still amazing him how much more free time he seemed to have now that he wasn’t always worrying about calling Kurt or Skyping with Kurt or thinking about when he’d next get to see Kurt. It was definitely taking some getting used to.
“What are you doing tonight?” Brandon asked as he pulled on clean polo shirt.
“Nothing. It’s going to be awesome,” Blaine grinned. “I can do whatever I want since you won’t be in my hair all weekend.” Brandon smiled broadly at him, clearly on cloud nine about the fact that he was getting to go visit his girlfriend for the first time in over a month.
“Well, I’m going to take off,” he said. “Have fun.”
“Will do,” Blaine smiled, waving at Brandon as he left. As soon as the door was shut and the room was silent, Blaine sighed and faceplanted onto his bed.
He had the room to himself for two whole days. Days with no homework or classes or choir rehearsals. It was going to be wonderful. He could sleep all day if he wanted to, but something told him he wouldn’t. After all the time he’d spent in bed while trying to get over the break-up, sleeping for extended periods of time now felt wrong. Like there was something wrong with him again, and he really didn’t want to feel that way anymore.
He changed out of his clothes and into some sweatpants and a Buckeyes t-shirt and ordered a pizza from Papa John’s, already salivating at the thought of dipping every single bite into the garlic sauce that was so good it honestly should’ve been illegal .
The weight that had been settled in on his chest was gone. He still missed Kurt. Honestly, he probably always would. You don’t just forget a person like Kurt Hummel.
He fished the necessary bills out of his wallet and set them out on his desk before turning on the TV and climbing into bed. There was nothing good on, but he was content enough to channel surf. There was just something so normal about it. This was something that Blaine used to do all the time before Kurt-spend a Friday night in just relaxing and watching TV. He smiled a little to himself when he finally found an old episode of That 70s Show to watch. This was exactly what he needed. A little mindless entertainment. And Ashton Kutcher was pretty hot, so that helped, too.
When there was a knock on the door forty-five minutes later, Blaine eagerly jumped from the bed.
“Right on time,” he said to himself, his stomach growling in anticipation. He snagged the money from his desk and opened the door quickly and widely, a big smile on his face. His heart stopped beating for a moment and the smile devolved into a slack-jawed look of shock when he saw who was really standing in the hallway. Of course it wasn’t the pizza guy. He lived in the dorms. He had to go down to the front desk to meet the delivery guy. He knew this. That was why it should have been no surprise at all that it was someone different looking back at him. But, it was.
“Kurt,” Blaine managed to choke out. “What are you doing here?”
“I wanted to see you,” Kurt said, his voice sounding tired and lower than usual. Blaine looked at him, drank him in, unable to help himself. An ache surged through his chest at the sight.
Kurt looked…well, he looked terrible according to Kurt Hummel standards. His hair was disheveled and not in a good way, he clearly hadn’t shaved in days (something Blaine had never before seen in all the time they’d shared), and he was wearing a pair of straight leg jeans, t-shirt, and scarf that Blaine was entirely certain he never would’ve put together if he’d been giving his clothing any thought whatsoever. But despite the fact that he’d actually seen Kurt look more put-together when he was sick, he was still the most stunningly gorgeous thing Blaine had ever seen.
“It’s been a month,” Blaine said, blinking hard a few times to make sure that Kurt wasn’t some kind of hallucination.
“I know.” Blaine’s phone rang then. It was probably the front desk telling him that his pizza was there. But honestly, it could’ve been someone telling him that the world was about to implode and he would have cared about as much.
“Well, you’ve seen me,” Blaine said, hating the little flinch he saw Kurt give at that comment. What right did he have to act hurt? Kurt was the one showing up out of nowhere two weeks after they’d last made any kind of contact. “So did you need anything else or…?” His phone rang again while they stared at each other.
“I miss you,” Kurt said, wrapping his arms around his middle and looking at Blaine with such a pathetic expression it took every ounce of Blaine’s self-restraint not to instinctually respond the way he would have in the past.
“What?” Blaine asked, honestly asking for clarification. Pounding footsteps down the hall momentarily distracted him, and one of Blaine’s floormates, Jack, poked his head around the doorframe.
“Dude! The pizza guy’s here,” he said. Blaine sighed and handed over the money.
“Take care of it for me, okay?” he asked.
“Can I have a slice?” Jack asked.
“You can have the whole thing. Just go away,” Blaine said, not even caring that he was being rude.
“Awesome,” Jack smiled and nodded slowly before leaving.
“Can I come in?” Kurt asked, shifting uncomfortably in the hallway. Blaine looked at him and seriously considered it for a moment. Part of him wanted to just tell Kurt to go back to New York. To get out of Blaine’s hallway and out of his life forever. But another part of him wanted to let Kurt in so he could ask him a few more questions. That was the part of himself that he let take over.
“Fine,” Blaine said, stepping aside and watching as Kurt entered with the same regal grace he always used when he moved. Once the door was shut firmly, Blaine turned and leaned against it, crossing his arms across his chest.
“I asked you to clarify before. You miss me?” Blaine asked.
“So much,” Kurt said, his voice sounding tight. “I made a mistake, Blaine.”
Blaine’s heart started throbbing against his ribs. His eyes opened wide. His entire body started tingling with…rage.
“You have got to be fucking kidding me,” Blaine said. “I mean seriously, Kurt. Please tell me you’re joking.”
“Joking? Of course I’m not joking. I---”
“You can not be doing this to me again,” Blaine said, taking a step forward.
“I tried to tell you on the phone, but---”
“You called me drunk. Did you honestly think that was going to accomplish anything? That I’d just come running back to you because you went out and got shitfaced and then called me after breaking my heart?” Blaine asked, close to yelling.
“I’d tried to call you sober so many times and I just didn’t know how to do that after what I’d done to you,” Kurt said, his eyes visibly welling with tears.
“After you called me, I punched the wall. I had to get stitches. I fractured my pinkie. I couldn’t believe that you had the audacity to call me up and beg for me back after you were the one who did all of this in the first place, and I was so mad that I did this,” Blaine said, pointing to the indent in the drywall.
“Blaine…” Kurt said with concern, looking down at Blaine’s hand.
“And then I got depressed all over again. I was doing better before you called. I was going to classes again and everything and then you had to call and fuck me over again. You broke my heart again. But then, I got it in my head that it would all be okay if I just drove to New York to see you. So I did. And I saw you with a guy looking happy. Looking good. I looked like shit, but you looked good. So I knew then that the phone call had just been a drunken slip-up.”
“You came to New York?” Kurt asked, gaping at Blaine, “I don’t know who you saw me with, but there is no guy.”
“You two were in your dorm building heading for your room. He was tall, dark hair.”
“That had to have been Seth. Seth is a vocal performance major, too, and he and his boyfriend just broke up. We’ve been hanging out a lot and commiserating.”
“You looked happy. You were laughing. Do you know how fucking long it had been since I’d really laughed the way I saw you laughing?”
“I was probably talking about you!” Kurt exclaimed, relinquishing his hold on himself to throw his hands into the air. “You’re all I ever talk about. Ever since the day I broke up with you I’ve regretted it.”
“Then why didn’t you say something?” Blaine asked, feeling tears flood his eyes. “Why in the fuck did you put me through this, Kurt? You have no idea what it has been like for me.”
“I wanted to, but you can’t just take something like that back! I had thought about it for so long and I finally did it and then I knew immediately that it was the biggest mistake I’d ever made. But how could I just call you up the next day and ask you to take me back?”
“I would have. I would have in a heartbeat, Kurt,” Blaine said, angrily swiping a tear from his cheek. “I was a fucking wreck, but then I was finally getting better when you called and threw my life back into the shit pile. And then when I saw you in New York, I knew that you were getting over me and I knew that I could get over you too. And I am, Kurt. I’ve been getting over you and I’ve been good again. So how dare you show up here and do this to me again. You are not going to break my heart for a third time. I can’t fucking take it again!”
Oh god. Blaine’s entire body was tight, amped up on adrenaline and fury. He felt like he was going to have a heart attack. His face felt like it was going to explode if he didn’t really let himself cry. And Kurt was just standing there looking at him like the ticking time bomb that he was.
“You’re scaring me, Blaine,” Kurt said softly.
“Yeah, well you know what? I really don’t care,” Blaine said. “You have put me through hell. You, the person I love more than anyone else on this planet. The person who’s supposed to love me back and support me and take care of me. You broke my heart and then you broke it again and now you’re breaking it again.”
“I’m so sorry,” Kurt cried. “I love you so much. I’m so sorry that I put you through this.”
“You do not get to be the one to cry, Kurt. You did this. You messed up. You ended this wonderful relationship just because you missed me. So you do not get to be the one to cry,” Blaine spat. “And you do not get to come here into my dorm room and tell me that you miss me. I don’t want to hear it. I have been lost without you and I’m finally feeling like myself and you are not going to make me feel like shit all over again.”
“I wish I could take it back. It’s been awful for me, too.”
“Bullshit it’s been awful for you. Bullshit. You weren’t the one who got dumped. Have you ever been dumped before? It fucking sucks. I thought I was going to die when you broke up with me. I’d been spending all of this time imagining our future together and loving you with literally everything I had in me and you just threw it all away like it didn’t even matter. So fuck you, Kurt. I hate you. I hate you for doing this to me in the first place and I hate you for coming here and doing it all over again,” Blaine ranted, acting without thinking and stepping forward to shove Kurt hard, his hands pushing into Kurt’s strong shoulders.
“You pushed me!” Kurt exclaimed, completely aghast.
“Yeah, and I’ll do it again,” Blaine said and he did, his chest feeling like it’d caught on fire.
“Blaine, stop!” Kurt yelled, his eyes taking on the icy glare that Blaine had honestly never seen turned on himself before this moment. Kurt had had enough, obviously, because he stepped toward Blaine and shoved him back.
“I hate you.” Push.
“I love you.” Shove.
“I hate you!” Shove.
“I love you,” Kurt said, pushing Blaine again but all of the stoniness from his face was gone. He looked tired and hurt and years older than he really was. “Blaine, I love you. I always have. I never stopped.”
“Then why did you push me away?” Blaine demanded, shoving Kurt again, this time until his back collided hard against the wall. Kurt stood there heaving in deep breaths while Blaine did the same. They stared each other down until Kurt launched himself from the wall, shoving Blaine so hard he actually stumbled backward. That was one of the things Blaine had always loved about Kurt-how strong he was and how most people had no idea.
“Because you terrify me, Blaine Anderson. We’re young and we’ve never dated anyone else and all I ever do is miss you. You’re all I ever think about. I love you so much it hurts all over. And it scares the shit out of me that I feel this way so young. It scares me and I thought that if I broke up with you it might go away. But it didn’t. It just got worse. I am so in love with you I can hardly breathe when you’re not around. I found the love of my life in high school. That doesn’t happen to normal people, Blaine. But here we are. So yes, I pushed you away, but not because I didn’t love you. I pushed you away because I love you so much that I don’t know how to exist when you’re not around. Living in New York without you breaks my heart. You say I’ve broken your heart three times? You’ve broken mine every single day since this school year started,” Kurt shouted at him.
“You do not get to blame this on my decision to come to this school, Kurt. You’re the one who told me to come here! We’ve been over this a thousand times!”
“I’m glad you’re here, Blaine. It’s a great fit for you. But you said that you’d been making plans for our future. So had I! From the moment we agreed to move to New York together, I’d been planning our future. I imagined morning bagel runs and going to see Broadway shows and walking around the most incredible city in the world hand-in-hand with the love of my life. And I know that we have the rest of our lives to do that, but god damn it, I wanted the rest of our lives to start right now,” Kurt yelled, “So I hate you, too, Blaine!” Kurt shoved him again then.
“Good!” Blaine exclaimed, pushing him back. Except this time, when his hands smacked into Kurt’s chest, he didn’t let go.
He balled his fists into the fabric and yanked Kurt against him, immediately crushing their lips together in a kiss that actually hurt. It wasn’t entirely clear to Blaine why he was kissing Kurt. One moment, he’d been shoving him and hating him with everything he had and the next, he’d felt that if their lips weren’t pressed together immediately, he would die. And then, he realized what it was.
“Say it again,” Blaine growled against Kurt’s lips.
“Say what?” Kurt asked breathlessly, clinging onto Blaine’s forearms with his eyes clenched shut. Blaine wasn’t entirely proud of the feeling of intense satisfaction he was getting from the positively wrecked look on Kurt’s face after only a couple seconds of kissing.
“Tell me that you hate me.”
“No. Why would you want me to do that?”
“Do it and then I’ll tell you.” Kurt paused.
“I hate you,” he finally said softly.
“Liar,” Blaine whispered before roughly sucking on the incredibly sensitive spot just to the left side of Kurt’s Adam’s apple.
“No, I do. I hate you. I really hate you,” Kurt babbled, his hips jerking forward and surprising the hell out of Blaine. Not because Kurt had done it. He always reacted pretty extremely when Blaine kissed him there. But rather, Blaine was surprised because when Kurt had rocked his hips forward, he’d done so right into Blaine’s own very hard cock. The cock Blaine hadn’t even realized was hard until that very moment. When had that happened?
“Good. Because you know what I realized during all of this? The only way you can truly hate someone is if you love them. And if you really do hate me, then you love me, too.” Blaine said.
“God, that’s so messed up, Blaine,” Kurt sighed, pressing himself in again to rut against Blaine’s cock.
“I know.” And he did. He knew it was insane that Kurt could stand there and tell him that he loved him over and over and Blaine didn’t believe him until he said that he hated him. But it was true. The word love spills too easily from people’s lips, so how could Blaine truly believe that the boy who had so easily tossed him aside genuinely loved him? Now he could because he knew that Kurt hated him, too. Yes, it was so messed up, but so was everything about this. They were so messed up and Blaine didn’t know whether to love or hate it. He used his leverage on Kurt’s shirt to haul him in even closer. “Now fuck me.”
Kurt moaned and immediately opened his mouth to Blaine for a kiss that was almost entirely tongue and teeth. Blaine felt himself being guided until his back collided with the wall almost exactly where Kurt had been shoved into it moments earlier. With a firm hand, Kurt grabbed onto Blaine’s fully hard cock through his sweatpants, prompting Blaine to buck against the sensation. He needed to feel Kurt inside of him. He needed it now.
“I love you,” Kurt breathed against Blaine’s mouth before biting down on his bottom lip with a little too much pressure.
“Show me,” Blaine said, roughly grabbing the back of Kurt’s head and pulling him in for another rough kiss. He couldn’t get Kurt close enough, yanking on his waist with his free hand and trying to properly slot their hips together in order to gain the best friction. But none of it was good enough and Blaine knew that it wouldn’t be until Kurt was inside of him. “Lube and condoms are in my bottom desk drawer.”
Kurt was gone in an instant and Blaine took that time to shove his sweatpants off and turn around, leaning his forehead against the wall and splaying his fingers on the off-white paint. There was the sound of a cap opening and of Kurt dropping to his knees and then Blaine was crying out and shoving his ass back toward Kurt. Before Blaine had any inclination of what was to come, Kurt had grabbed firmly onto Blaine’s asscheeks and pulled them apart, immediately diving in and licking in hot wet circles around Blaine’s asshole.
“Jesus,” Blaine gritted, sliding one hand up the wall so he could bite down onto it to keep from screaming. It’d been so long he’d almost forgotten how good Kurt was at this. Kurt was keeping his tongue loose, just lazily pressing wet circles into Blaine’s sensitive skin. “Come on. Are you really going to tease me right now?”
Kurt made a little humming noise and pushed just the very tip of his tongue inside before pulling away and immediately replacing his wet tongue with a finger, pressing it inside and not letting up until it was in as far as it could go.
“More,” Blaine said immediately, needing the pressure, needing to feel filled.
Kurt pressed a kiss to the base of Blaine’s spine as he slid in another, tracing his tongue in erratic patterns on the hypersensitive skin right above the swell of Blaine’s ass. Blaine felt a breath catch in his chest as Kurt found his prostate and slowly started to massage it, moving his fingers in and out infinitesimally as they pressed and waned in just the right way to leave Blaine moaning into his hand. A wave of heat swept over Blaine, leaving his entire body too hot, sweaty, and desperate for more. Without waiting to be asked, Kurt added a third finger, the burning pleasure from the stretch making Blaine bite down onto the side of his thumb. It had been way too long since they’d done this.
“I love you,” Kurt repeated. Blaine started at the sound, finding that Kurt was speaking into his ear now while his fingers continued to slowly work at preparing Blaine for the far bigger, and yet completely welcome, intrusion still to come. His mouth opened to return the sentiment, but snapped his jaw shut.
Not yet.
The telltale sound of a condom wrapper being ripped open filled Blaine’s ears and he slid his feet wider apart in anticipation. The thick head of Kurt’s cock pressed at Blaine’s entrance and he pushed back, needing it more than he ever had before.
This wasn’t just about getting fucked, though it’d been a month since he’d had an orgasm. It was about feeling Kurt there inside of him. Feeling how much he cared. Knowing that Kurt could make him come. That Kurt wanted to. About feeling Kurt’s breath on his neck and his heart beating in his chest and his cock, pulsing as he came inside of Blaine. Because of Blaine. He needed to feel Kurt take control, because he’d been the one to cause Blaine’s life to fall into such a desperate spiral. Kurt needed to be the one to put it all back together again. He needed to be the one to make things right.
“I love you,” Kurt whispered in Blaine’s ear before slowly pushing in. As the head of his cock slipped past those tight rings of muscle, Blaine slapped a hand against the wall and bucked back hard, wanting all of him inside at once. Kurt grabbed him around the waist, pulling him against his chest and holding him still all at the same time. “Patience.”
“It’s been over a month. Fuck patience,” Blaine moaned. Kurt said nothing, just wrapped a hand around Blaine’s half-hard cock and started slowly pumping, the movements of his hand moving about half as fast as the pistoning of his hips.
It was rough, needy, desperate. It was perfect.
All Blaine could process was the slapping of Kurt’s balls against his ass, the soft yet firm feeling of Kurt’s hand sliding up and down his cock, the huffing of Kurt’s breath hot and moist against the back of his neck. Kurt felt like heaven inside of him, the speed just this side of uncomfortable, the time passed since Blaine last had something in his ass far too long for such little preparation, and yet it really was perfect.
Kurt reached out to swipe his thumb across the head of Blaine’s cock, sliding through the precome there and taking his sweet time sliding it down a vein. Blaine slapped his hand away and started jerking himself off. He needed to come. He needed to shudder and lose control and moan and clench around Kurt’s cock.
Kurt moved his hands to Blaine’s shoulders, bucking even harder up into Blaine and holding on like he was riding him. Every thrust he made was accompanied by a grunt and the pornographic slap of skin on skin and the wet sound of his cock sliding in and out of Blaine’s ass. That was all Blaine could hear, not the sound of his own straining breaths or the frenzied movement of his hand on his own cock-just the sound of Kurt fucking him hard and fast.
It had been so long since Blaine had come, but he wasn’t close yet. He was too busy enjoying every moment-loving the stretch he felt from Kurt’s thick cock moving inside of him, memorizing the feeling in a way that he’d never done before because he’d never before been worried that this time could be their last.
Blaine leaned back against Kurt’s chest, wishing that they hadn’t been quite so impatient and would’ve finished undressing. He wanted to feel the stickiness of Kurt’s sweaty chest against his back, feel every inch of their bodies pressed together.
“You feel so good,” Kurt moaned into Blaine’s ear before biting down onto the lobe and tugging with his teeth. “So tight.”
Blaine just let out a noise somewhere between a grunt and a moan and started pumping his dick even harder. God, he really wanted to come. Without losing his momentum, Kurt pushed Blaine forward at the shoulders, angling him so that every one of his thrusts was sliding over his prostate in the most delicious way. Blaine cried out and against slapped a hand against the wall.
He could tell that Kurt was getting close. His thrusts were getting more erratic, more vigorous, and the grip he had on Blaine’s shoulders was becoming almost painful. Blaine moved his hand even faster, desperate to come at this point. His entire body was tense, pressure building at the base of his cock and in his balls. It was finally happening. He was getting close.
“Oh god,” Kurt cried out, his fingertips digging into Blaine’s shoulders as he stilled inside of Blaine’s ass, buried to the hilt and grinding ever so slightly as he came.
“What?” Blaine asked distantly. He’d known that Kurt’s orgasm was coming, but he had never thought that Kurt would come before he did. Because now it was over.
Kurt slumped against his back, hooking his chin over Blaine’s shoulder as he sucked in a few shuddering breaths.
“Wow,” Kurt breathed, “That---”
“I haven’t come yet,” Blaine said, lifting up on his toes until Kurt’s cock slid from him and turning around.
“I know, I’ll---” Kurt said, reaching for Blaine’s cock, but for the second time that night, Blaine slapped Kurt’s hand away.
“No, I want your mouth,” Blaine admitted, putting his hands on Kurt’s shoulders and pushing downward. Willingly, Kurt dropped to his knees, pulling off the condom and tossing it into the nearby garbage can before grabbing onto Blaine’s thighs and leaning in.
Blaine grabbed his cock at the base and guided it toward Kurt’s eager mouth. His tongue was out and waiting and Blaine felt his dick give an appreciative twitch. With great care, he slid his cock into Kurt’s mouth little by little until he was halfway in. Then, he laced both hands through Kurt’s hair and roughly jerked his hips forward.
Kurt choked a little and gripped onto Blaine’s hips tighter, but when Blaine looked down at Kurt, he was giving him a nod of approval. Kurt was going to let him do this. Thank god.
“I wanted you to make me come by fucking me. But I guess this’ll have to do,” Blaine said, barely able to get out three words in a string without expelling a moan or a shuddering breath.
Kurt’s mouth was amazing and the way each deep thrust was making him gag a little was disturbingly hot. If Kurt hadn’t been looking up at him with trusting eyes, Blaine would’ve pulled back immediately no matter how phenomenal it felt. But the fact that Kurt was looking up through his lashes, just relaxing his jaw and taking every thrust Blaine was giving him wearing only a t-shirt and a scarf that so did not match made the love Blaine felt for him burn hotter than it had in a long time. Maybe forever.
Blaine snapped his hips forward over and over, making each thrust go deep until the head of his cock bumped against the back of Kurt’s throat. Kurt was moaning indecently and tonguing at the underside of Blaine’s cock like it was the most delicious thing he’d ever tasted. When at the end of one particularly forceful thrust Kurt grabbed his bare ass and pulled him in as close as he would go, Blaine assumed that he’d done something wrong.
But no.
Instead, Kurt simply held him in tight, angling his head just so to allow Blaine in even deeper. And then, he swallowed, the smooth walls of his throat rubbing against the head of Blaine’s cock. With a shocked cry, Blaine’s orgasm slammed into him out of nowhere. He gripped even harder onto Kurt’s thick hair, riding out his orgasm on Kurt’s tongue.
When he felt that he could move and not fall, he took a step back, his cock slipping from Kurt’s mouth and he looked down. Kurt’s perfect pink tongue was reaching out to swipe at the ample amounts of come that had slid from his mouth. Blaine dropped to his knees and took Kurt’s head in his hands, swiping off his come with his thumbs.
“You usually swallow,” Blaine said softly.
“I did. You’ve never come that much before,” Kurt said, his voice a little raspy. Blaine had done that. He felt his dick want to get hard again and he resisted the urge to shoot it a dirty look. Now wasn’t the time. He leaned in and pressed a kiss to the corner of Kurt’s mouth, darting his tongue out to clean up the remaining traces of come lingering there.
“I’m sorry I shoved you,” Blaine whispered against Kurt’s lips.
“You got a little crazy there,” Kurt said, trying for a joke but not quite getting there.
“Only because of you. You are the only person on this planet who can make me so crazy. Who I can both love and hate at the same time. But I will never stop being in love with you, wanting you. I need you, Kurt,” Blaine said.
“I need you, too. And I know I’ve said it so many times, but I’m so sorry. I’ll do everything I can to regain your trust, to make you understand how much I regret this and wish I could take it all back,” Kurt said. “I just don’t know what to do with these feelings I have for you.” He took Blaine’s right hand and placed it over his heart. It was racing. “That isn’t from the orgasm. That’s from you. Just from being near you. You still make me feel this way after all this time.”
Blaine clamped his eyes shut and tried not to cry, but knew it was a battle he was going to lose. A sob clawed its way from his lips without warning and he grabbed Kurt in a fierce hug, not caring if he was hurting Kurt because he needed the boy in his arms to understand just how badly he needed him. Had to have him. Loved him.
They clung to each other for a long time and it took Blaine almost half of this time to realize that Kurt was crying too. Kurt was the first to pull back, swiping at his eyes with the end of his scarf before doing the same to Blaine’s face. The action was so simple and yet it made Blaine’s heart ache. This was his Kurt. The one he’d fallen in love with. The one who had burrowed his way into Blaine’s soul, rendering him useless without his other half.
“What do we do now?” Kurt asked softly
“I don’t know, but I’m really ready to be done getting over you,” Blaine said, laughing a little despite himself. Kurt joined him, laughing too, that beautiful sound that Blaine had mourned the loss of from his life just two weeks earlier. With a fresh round of tears brewing, Blaine pulled Kurt close and for some reason kept laughing. It felt manic and bizarre, but they just sat there and laughed and cried until Blaine knew that he couldn’t stand to do either for another second.
“I love you,” Blaine finally said. Kurt moaned a little in an affectionate way, grabbing onto Blaine’s face and kissing him slow and deep.
“I love you, too.”
Though Blaine knew he was capable of it, he never again hated Kurt. Because even though he loved him more than anything and no one else could get under his skin the way Kurt could, when you find your soulmate at the age of sixteen, there’s no good reason to waste a moment of that gift of time with anything other than a heart full of love.
The end
Pairings: Kurt/Blaine
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 25,667
Spoilers: None.
Warnings: Mild violence.
Summary: One night during the spring of their freshman year of college, Kurt breaks up with Blaine over Skype. He claims that he misses Blaine too much due to their seven hour separation. All he ever does is miss Blaine and it's just too much for him to bear any longer, so he ends the relationship. Blaine has no warning, no inkling, nothing. At first he's in denial, then furious, then depressed. He becomes hopeful that he'll get Kurt back only to backslide again when an unexpected phone call comes his way. Back and forth Blaine bounces between the five stages of grief as he tries to do the hardest thing he's ever had to do: get over Kurt Hummel. His soulmate. The love of his life. The first and only boy to ever truly steal his heart, who had in turn ripped that heart right in two. Can Blaine repair the wounds that Kurt's hurtful actions have left behind? Or will he continue to flounder his way through those stages, never quite making it to a level of acceptance that will actually stick.
A/N: This story was written for the Blaine Big Bang over at beyond-dapper. It was betaed by the wonderful and amazing silverdragon87, alpha read by oddmeants & pavementchaser, and an amazingly perfect fanmix was made for it by brainspasmz.
Previous
Depression (Take Three)
Blaine stared at the ceiling.
There were five hundred and sixty-seven dots on the ceiling tile directly above his head. The first time he’d counted them, he’d come up with five hundred and seventy-two. The second time he’d counted, he’d gotten five hundred and fifty-six. The third and fourth times he’d focused really hard and had gotten five hundred and sixty-seven. The fifth was just to be check, and sure enough, he’d been able to declare with certainty that the number of dots on that particular tile was in fact five hundred and sixty-seven.
Of course, he had no one to declare it to, but the point of the matter was that he’d accomplished something.
Brandon had abandoned him earlier that morning to do homework. Blaine didn’t blame him for not being able to get it done in the room. He knew that his sudden shift in mood couldn’t have been easy to deal with. Just as the one before this had been. And the one before that.
He sighed and scooted a few feet down the mattress. His feet were dangling off the end of the bed now, sticking out of the blankets. Not that he cared.
Now, a new ceiling tile was above his face. It was time to see if this one was identical to the last.
“One, two, three…” he got all the way to one hundred and fourteen before his phone interrupted him.
“Hello?” he asked dully, not bothering to look at the caller ID.
“Are you beardless yet?” Santana asked.
“No,” he simply replied, trying to get back to his counting.
“Well what are you waiting for? Right now you’re like Brad Pitt in that terrifying beard and shaggy hair phase. You need to get back to ‘Meet Joe Black’ Brad, like, yesterday,” Santana said. “And Brittany agrees with me, but she says she can’t imagine you with a beard. I told her to think of---”
“Can we not, San? I’m really not in the mood.”
“What crawled up your ass and died? I thought you were doing better.”
“Yeah, I was until Kurt drunk dialed me last night,” Blaine said. Santana was silent for a long time.
“Okay spill. What happened?”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” he lied.
“Yes you do. So talk,” she said.
Blaine closed his eyes and sighed heavily. He was so not in the mood for this. All he wanted to do was count the dots on the ceiling tiles. When he did that, he didn’t think about anything else because he didn’t have time. With all the counting, there was simply no space in his brain to consider anything else. It was lovely. No, it was amazing and he was furious with himself that he hadn’t thought of it earlier.
“He called me drunk. Said that he was drinking to try to forget me because he still misses me. Said that he wants to get back together and that he loves me so much. I told him no and that’s that,” Blaine said.
“Jesus,” Santana gritted through her teeth. Blaine knew that’s what she was doing.
He could picture her perfectly in his mind, but he didn’t want to because Brittany was there. Santana was happy at the moment. While Blaine was truly happy for his friend, he also didn’t want to hear or think about it or see it lest it send him even deeper into the vat of sadness he was currently treading water in.
“Yeah. It was really super. After I hung up on him, I punched the wall, fractured my pinkie, and had to get eight stitches to put my knuckles back together.”
“What in the hell did you hit the wall for, Blaine?” she asked exasperatedly.
“Clearly I wasn’t thinking at the moment. I’ve never been so angry in my entire life. Did he really think that I was just going to fall back into his lap after the two weeks of hell he’s put me through?”
“If he was drunk, yeah, he probably did think that.”
“Well, he was pretty fucking wrong,” Blaine said with a shrug, one that Santana couldn’t see but he hoped that she’d know he was doing it just the way he’d known that she was speaking through her teeth earlier.
“How’s your hand?” she asked.
“It hurts like hell. I have pain pills, but you’re supposed to take them with food and I was throwing up half the night because I didn’t eat before I went to bed,” he explained.
“Then why don’t you eat something?”
“Because I’m not hungry.”
“Bullshit. You’re always hungry.”
“No, I’m not.”
“Blaine, go eat something.”
“Santana, I’m not hungry.”
“Well if you’re going to be ridiculous…”
“I’m not being ridiculous!” he shouted, only momentarily feeling bad for yelling at her, because his throat was tightening and it was taking everything within him not to just start sobbing on the spot. “I don’t know what to do. I was just starting to feel like I could move on and now I know that he wants me back.”
“Oh Blaine…” she said sympathetically.
“No, don’t,” he said, clamping his eyes shut tight, “Look, I know that we can’t get back together, but that doesn’t make it any easier. I miss him so much and knowing that he wants me back, too...” He paused and swallowed hard a few times, trying to get himself under control. “I know that I can’t trust him anymore because he did this to me. I know that, but it doesn’t make me miss him any less. I just miss him, San.”
“I know you do,” Santana said softly. “What can I do?”
“I don’t know,” he groaned, “Make him go away? I mean, I was doing better but then he just showed up again. What if he keeps doing that and I can never get over him?”
“You will though, Blaine.”
“But what if I don’t?” he demanded.
“Then your life is going to be really sad and pathetic. There, that’s what you want to hear, isn’t it?” she said. “Look, Blaine. I love you. You know I do. But sitting there on your ass with your sad little broken hand isn’t going to solve anything. You either get your ass out of bed and get over Kurt or you get your ass out of bed and go get him back. Those are your only two options.”
“But I don’t want him back. I mean, I do, but I can’t ever be with him again because of what he did to me,” he sighed. “What should I do?”
“I can’t tell you that. You say that you can’t forgive him, but maybe you can. I don’t know. Only you can know that. So make up your mind and do something about it,” she said. “If you want him back, get him back. If you don’t, then get back to work on moving on.”
Blaine chewed lightly on his bottom lip and thought over her words. He could hear her whispering, obviously filling Brittany in on what was going on. He didn’t blame her. If the roles were reversed and he was lying happily in bed with Kurt while consoling Santana, he would’ve been doing the same thing.
But he wasn’t in bed with Kurt. He was alone. His hand hurt. His heart hurt. His stomach hurt. Everything just hurt.
“I’m going to go,” he said into the phone.
“Okay. Call me if you need me. Please,” Santana told him.
“Will do,” he said, hanging up and dropping his phone to the floor.
He looked at the ceiling again. Counting the dots sounded like too much effort. He groaned and rolled over, staring at the wall instead. Lying that way made his hand throb too much.
With a huff, he sat up, scrubbed his good hand over his face, and looked around the room. Santana was right. He needed to do something. But what?
Move on again when he knew how good the chance was that he was going to keep backsliding like this? Keep getting better and then worse? Better then worse? Blaine honestly didn’t know if he could take it anymore.
So what else could he do? Go back to Kurt? The man who’d broken his heart? And had then torn open the wound and broken it all over again? Could do really do that? Could he potentially open himself up to all of that hurt again? Could he grow to trust Kurt again?
The answer was simple.
Bargaining (Take Two)
“Brandon, I need to borrow your car,” Blaine said into the phone, already standing in the middle of the room with a fresh change of clothes on his body and his wallet in his back pocket.
“Why?” Brandon asked softly, clearly still at the library.
“I’m going to New York.”
“Blaine, no.”
“I’ll pay you five hundred dollars if you let me take your car today,” Blaine said.
“I don’t care about my car, I care about what you’re doing. Think about it. You can’t do this.”
“Actually, I can. And honestly, I’m going to take your car whether you tell me I can or not,” Blaine told him. Brandon sighed.
“I hope you know what you’re doing,” Brandon said.
"Yeah, me too,” Blaine replied honestly before hanging up. The keys were already in his good hand and as soon as the call was disconnected, Blaine was out the door.
He looked terrible. When he caught a glimpse of himself in the rearview mirror, he was shocked at what he saw. But maybe that was good. Hopefully Kurt would see how miserable he was and it would help break down those walls that he always kept up. The ones that had kept him from calling Blaine sober and telling him that he was miserable. This was exactly how it needed to be.
He would show up, they would see each other for the first time in months, and that was all that would need to happen. Then they would fall into each other’s arms and get back together. Yes, all he needed was to see Kurt.
Before, he’d been stupid enough to think that just hearing his voice would be good enough, but he was wrong. They needed to be in each other’s presence. Feel each other’s warmth. Smell each other, taste each other, feel each other the way they’d used to back when everything was still okay and they’d been happy.
More than anything, Blaine just wanted to feel happy again and nothing in the world made him happier than Kurt. Funnily enough, nothing in the world could make him feel more awful than Kurt, either. That was true love, though. When you love someone so passionately, you’re going to experience the whole gamut of strong emotions with them. Blaine knew that now. He understood it now.
If he didn’t love Kurt, he never would’ve been able to feel the hate that he’d felt for Kurt the day before.
Kurt had told him that he still loved him, and Blaine still loved him, too. Even if things didn’t work out the way he was hoping they would-the way he needed them to-Blaine would love Kurt for the rest of his life. Kurt was not only his first love, but his true love. There was no doubt in his mind about that.
With time, he would move on and find somebody new to love, but it would never be the same. He would never love someone the way he loved Kurt. It just wasn’t possible.
So he drove. It took almost seven and a half hours to reach Kurt’s dorm, but he made it before darkness had completely descended on the city.
He found a place to park, one that was going to cost him a fortune no matter how long he took. He really hoped that he’d wind up paying the steep price for overnight parking. That he and Kurt would wind up spending the night together, crying and laughing and making up for lost time in each other’s arms.
“You can do this,” Blaine said aloud, looking at himself through the mirror and barely recognizing the lifeless hazel eyes that were staring back at him. He’d recognize them again soon enough. He had a good feeling about that. He was about to get his life back, the life he was supposed to have. Not the pathetic existence he’d been living for the last two weeks.
He climbed from the car and slowly walked the blocks to Kurt’s building. There was no reason to rush. It was important that he be ready for this conversation. He went over all possible scenarios in his head. Even the bad ones didn’t leave him feeling as sad as they could have, because they involved him knowing for sure what the future held. But he didn’t feel that he needed to prepare for those negative outcomes because this was going to work.
They both still wanted to be together, so they needed to stop being stubborn and just be together. Yes, it was going to be hard while they were in college and there would be lots of trust issues to work through, but it was worth it. Because after college came the rest of their lives. Together.
Blaine entered the building and schmoozed the girl working at the front desk until she let him in despite the fact that he probably looked like a deranged homeless person. He climbed the stairs to the fourth floor and was about to open the door that led from the stairwell to the hallway when he heard a voice.
Kurt’s voice.
His heart surged and he stepped forward, peeking through the window in the door to catch a glimpse before he surprised Kurt. The love of his life. The man of his dreams.
Kurt was walking past just then, looking perfect as always. His hair was done the way Blaine loved, a pair of sinfully tight skinny jeans on his legs and a snug gray t-shirt stretched across his broad shoulders, chest, and back. Everything about it was perfect except for two things.
One, Kurt was laughing. Two, Kurt wasn’t alone.
The guy walking beside Kurt was good-looking, but nothing compared to Kurt. No one was anything compared to Kurt, though. Blaine himself felt like a hideous slob whenever he stood next to that slice of human perfection named Kurt Hummel.
But it didn’t matter how cute or ugly this guy was, because it was obvious that they were close. Their shoulders bumped as they walked down the hallway laughing together. Kurt looked so happy.
Blaine stepped back from the window and practically ran down the stairs.
He couldn’t do this.
Not to Kurt.
Not to himself.
If he approached Kurt right now, it wouldn’t do anything. Kurt would gently send him away, explaining that it had been the alcohol talking, because there was no way it hadn’t been. If Kurt was really as sad as he’d seemed on the phone that night, he wouldn’t be able to be this happy now. Blaine knew that he couldn’t be. Even if he was surrounded by Brandon and Santana and everyone else who made him feel good, he wouldn’t be able to laugh the way that Kurt had been laughing. He wouldn’t be able to look as perfect and put together as Kurt had.
So no, he couldn’t approach Kurt and take that happiness away from him. Even though Kurt had stripped away his own need to be happy, Blaine just couldn’t do that to him because he loved him too much. If Kurt was happy, then Blaine would leave him alone. He would take the drunken phone call as just that-a drunken phone call.
Even though he could feel what remained of his heart breaking yet again, there was also a strange sense of peace settling over him. Before he entered the parking garage, he turned and looked back at the dorm building, imagining that he could hear the sound of Kurt’s laughter from inside. It had been his absolute favorite sound in the world from the first time he’d heard it, even before he had realized his feelings for Kurt.
Now, he knew it always would be.
Acceptance (Take Two)
It was nearing four in the morning by the time Blaine stepped back into their dorm room. He’d stopped more than once just to break up the monotony of the drive and also to purchase large caffeinated beverages in hopes of keeping himself alert. During the entire trip, he’d never once turned on the radio.
He hadn’t thought much either, just sat in the quiet darkness, the lights on the dashboard soft and calming as he headed back east. Back to Pittsburgh. Away from Kurt.
His chest throbbed at the thought, but at the same time he felt a little…relieved. Now that he’d seen what he’d seen, he could start to actually get on with his life. It wasn’t the life he’d imagined for himself. Whenever he’d really sat back and dreamed of what the future held, Kurt was always there beside him. But that wasn’t going to happen. It was time to move on, no matter what obstacles presented themselves to him.
When he got home, he collapsed into bed fully clothed, ignoring the mumbled question he heard Brandon ask as the door clicked shut.
Sometime in the early afternoon, Blaine finally climbed out of bed, his legs scorching from sleeping in jeans and his head throbbing. He took some Advil, grabbed his shower caddy, and headed for the bathroom. When he got there, he looked at himself in the mirror.
He didn’t look like himself. Not at all. And it wasn’t just the beard, but that certainly wasn’t helping. Leaning in over one of the sinks in the bathroom, Blaine closely inspected his face. Yes, it was time for the beard to go.
Blaine spent the next half hour trimming the hair short and then shaving it all off. When he was finished, he smoothed a hand over his chin and smiled. That was better. Much better.
He showered and dressed and once all of that was done, he finally grabbed his desk chair and pulled it over near Brandon’s bed. It had been obvious since Blaine had woken up that Brandon was dying to know what happened in New York, but was giving Blaine space until he was ready to talk.
“He was happy,” Blaine said. Brandon nodded, fiddling with the Xbox controller in his hand.
“What did he say?”
“He didn’t say anything. I saw him walking with this guy and laughing and looking great and happy and I couldn’t ruin that for him,” Blaine explained.
“You still love him,” Brandon said, not questioning, just stating a fact.
“I always will, but I think I’m going to be okay,” Blaine said.
“Yeah, you will be,” Brandon told him, bending over to grab something off the floor. He held out another controller to Blaine. “You want to play?”
“Yeah,” Blaine said with a smile, climbing from his chair to sit on the bed beside Brandon. He thought about Kurt then for just a moment, how he would roll his eyes at Blaine with a little smile for spending time so much time playing video games. But the thought of Kurt didn’t hurt as much as it had before. Blaine closed his eyes and allowed himself just a moment to conjure up a perfect image of Kurt’s face, and then he pushed it away.
He really was going to be okay.
Postlude: The Surprise
Two weeks had passed since Blaine made the trip to New York. He’d gone to all of his classes, had eaten three meals a day (sometimes four if he and Brandon decided that they needed Taco Bell in the middle of a late-night Call of Duty binge), had shaved every morning, and had almost started to feel normal again. He knew that it would take time, but some had passed and he was already starting to feel better. Human. Like Blaine again.
It was finally the weekend. Blaine had already finished the paper that was due on Monday. It was still amazing him how much more free time he seemed to have now that he wasn’t always worrying about calling Kurt or Skyping with Kurt or thinking about when he’d next get to see Kurt. It was definitely taking some getting used to.
“What are you doing tonight?” Brandon asked as he pulled on clean polo shirt.
“Nothing. It’s going to be awesome,” Blaine grinned. “I can do whatever I want since you won’t be in my hair all weekend.” Brandon smiled broadly at him, clearly on cloud nine about the fact that he was getting to go visit his girlfriend for the first time in over a month.
“Well, I’m going to take off,” he said. “Have fun.”
“Will do,” Blaine smiled, waving at Brandon as he left. As soon as the door was shut and the room was silent, Blaine sighed and faceplanted onto his bed.
He had the room to himself for two whole days. Days with no homework or classes or choir rehearsals. It was going to be wonderful. He could sleep all day if he wanted to, but something told him he wouldn’t. After all the time he’d spent in bed while trying to get over the break-up, sleeping for extended periods of time now felt wrong. Like there was something wrong with him again, and he really didn’t want to feel that way anymore.
He changed out of his clothes and into some sweatpants and a Buckeyes t-shirt and ordered a pizza from Papa John’s, already salivating at the thought of dipping every single bite into the garlic sauce that was so good it honestly should’ve been illegal .
The weight that had been settled in on his chest was gone. He still missed Kurt. Honestly, he probably always would. You don’t just forget a person like Kurt Hummel.
He fished the necessary bills out of his wallet and set them out on his desk before turning on the TV and climbing into bed. There was nothing good on, but he was content enough to channel surf. There was just something so normal about it. This was something that Blaine used to do all the time before Kurt-spend a Friday night in just relaxing and watching TV. He smiled a little to himself when he finally found an old episode of That 70s Show to watch. This was exactly what he needed. A little mindless entertainment. And Ashton Kutcher was pretty hot, so that helped, too.
When there was a knock on the door forty-five minutes later, Blaine eagerly jumped from the bed.
“Right on time,” he said to himself, his stomach growling in anticipation. He snagged the money from his desk and opened the door quickly and widely, a big smile on his face. His heart stopped beating for a moment and the smile devolved into a slack-jawed look of shock when he saw who was really standing in the hallway. Of course it wasn’t the pizza guy. He lived in the dorms. He had to go down to the front desk to meet the delivery guy. He knew this. That was why it should have been no surprise at all that it was someone different looking back at him. But, it was.
“Kurt,” Blaine managed to choke out. “What are you doing here?”
“I wanted to see you,” Kurt said, his voice sounding tired and lower than usual. Blaine looked at him, drank him in, unable to help himself. An ache surged through his chest at the sight.
Kurt looked…well, he looked terrible according to Kurt Hummel standards. His hair was disheveled and not in a good way, he clearly hadn’t shaved in days (something Blaine had never before seen in all the time they’d shared), and he was wearing a pair of straight leg jeans, t-shirt, and scarf that Blaine was entirely certain he never would’ve put together if he’d been giving his clothing any thought whatsoever. But despite the fact that he’d actually seen Kurt look more put-together when he was sick, he was still the most stunningly gorgeous thing Blaine had ever seen.
“It’s been a month,” Blaine said, blinking hard a few times to make sure that Kurt wasn’t some kind of hallucination.
“I know.” Blaine’s phone rang then. It was probably the front desk telling him that his pizza was there. But honestly, it could’ve been someone telling him that the world was about to implode and he would have cared about as much.
“Well, you’ve seen me,” Blaine said, hating the little flinch he saw Kurt give at that comment. What right did he have to act hurt? Kurt was the one showing up out of nowhere two weeks after they’d last made any kind of contact. “So did you need anything else or…?” His phone rang again while they stared at each other.
“I miss you,” Kurt said, wrapping his arms around his middle and looking at Blaine with such a pathetic expression it took every ounce of Blaine’s self-restraint not to instinctually respond the way he would have in the past.
“What?” Blaine asked, honestly asking for clarification. Pounding footsteps down the hall momentarily distracted him, and one of Blaine’s floormates, Jack, poked his head around the doorframe.
“Dude! The pizza guy’s here,” he said. Blaine sighed and handed over the money.
“Take care of it for me, okay?” he asked.
“Can I have a slice?” Jack asked.
“You can have the whole thing. Just go away,” Blaine said, not even caring that he was being rude.
“Awesome,” Jack smiled and nodded slowly before leaving.
“Can I come in?” Kurt asked, shifting uncomfortably in the hallway. Blaine looked at him and seriously considered it for a moment. Part of him wanted to just tell Kurt to go back to New York. To get out of Blaine’s hallway and out of his life forever. But another part of him wanted to let Kurt in so he could ask him a few more questions. That was the part of himself that he let take over.
“Fine,” Blaine said, stepping aside and watching as Kurt entered with the same regal grace he always used when he moved. Once the door was shut firmly, Blaine turned and leaned against it, crossing his arms across his chest.
“I asked you to clarify before. You miss me?” Blaine asked.
“So much,” Kurt said, his voice sounding tight. “I made a mistake, Blaine.”
Blaine’s heart started throbbing against his ribs. His eyes opened wide. His entire body started tingling with…rage.
“You have got to be fucking kidding me,” Blaine said. “I mean seriously, Kurt. Please tell me you’re joking.”
“Joking? Of course I’m not joking. I---”
“You can not be doing this to me again,” Blaine said, taking a step forward.
“I tried to tell you on the phone, but---”
“You called me drunk. Did you honestly think that was going to accomplish anything? That I’d just come running back to you because you went out and got shitfaced and then called me after breaking my heart?” Blaine asked, close to yelling.
“I’d tried to call you sober so many times and I just didn’t know how to do that after what I’d done to you,” Kurt said, his eyes visibly welling with tears.
“After you called me, I punched the wall. I had to get stitches. I fractured my pinkie. I couldn’t believe that you had the audacity to call me up and beg for me back after you were the one who did all of this in the first place, and I was so mad that I did this,” Blaine said, pointing to the indent in the drywall.
“Blaine…” Kurt said with concern, looking down at Blaine’s hand.
“And then I got depressed all over again. I was doing better before you called. I was going to classes again and everything and then you had to call and fuck me over again. You broke my heart again. But then, I got it in my head that it would all be okay if I just drove to New York to see you. So I did. And I saw you with a guy looking happy. Looking good. I looked like shit, but you looked good. So I knew then that the phone call had just been a drunken slip-up.”
“You came to New York?” Kurt asked, gaping at Blaine, “I don’t know who you saw me with, but there is no guy.”
“You two were in your dorm building heading for your room. He was tall, dark hair.”
“That had to have been Seth. Seth is a vocal performance major, too, and he and his boyfriend just broke up. We’ve been hanging out a lot and commiserating.”
“You looked happy. You were laughing. Do you know how fucking long it had been since I’d really laughed the way I saw you laughing?”
“I was probably talking about you!” Kurt exclaimed, relinquishing his hold on himself to throw his hands into the air. “You’re all I ever talk about. Ever since the day I broke up with you I’ve regretted it.”
“Then why didn’t you say something?” Blaine asked, feeling tears flood his eyes. “Why in the fuck did you put me through this, Kurt? You have no idea what it has been like for me.”
“I wanted to, but you can’t just take something like that back! I had thought about it for so long and I finally did it and then I knew immediately that it was the biggest mistake I’d ever made. But how could I just call you up the next day and ask you to take me back?”
“I would have. I would have in a heartbeat, Kurt,” Blaine said, angrily swiping a tear from his cheek. “I was a fucking wreck, but then I was finally getting better when you called and threw my life back into the shit pile. And then when I saw you in New York, I knew that you were getting over me and I knew that I could get over you too. And I am, Kurt. I’ve been getting over you and I’ve been good again. So how dare you show up here and do this to me again. You are not going to break my heart for a third time. I can’t fucking take it again!”
Oh god. Blaine’s entire body was tight, amped up on adrenaline and fury. He felt like he was going to have a heart attack. His face felt like it was going to explode if he didn’t really let himself cry. And Kurt was just standing there looking at him like the ticking time bomb that he was.
“You’re scaring me, Blaine,” Kurt said softly.
“Yeah, well you know what? I really don’t care,” Blaine said. “You have put me through hell. You, the person I love more than anyone else on this planet. The person who’s supposed to love me back and support me and take care of me. You broke my heart and then you broke it again and now you’re breaking it again.”
“I’m so sorry,” Kurt cried. “I love you so much. I’m so sorry that I put you through this.”
“You do not get to be the one to cry, Kurt. You did this. You messed up. You ended this wonderful relationship just because you missed me. So you do not get to be the one to cry,” Blaine spat. “And you do not get to come here into my dorm room and tell me that you miss me. I don’t want to hear it. I have been lost without you and I’m finally feeling like myself and you are not going to make me feel like shit all over again.”
“I wish I could take it back. It’s been awful for me, too.”
“Bullshit it’s been awful for you. Bullshit. You weren’t the one who got dumped. Have you ever been dumped before? It fucking sucks. I thought I was going to die when you broke up with me. I’d been spending all of this time imagining our future together and loving you with literally everything I had in me and you just threw it all away like it didn’t even matter. So fuck you, Kurt. I hate you. I hate you for doing this to me in the first place and I hate you for coming here and doing it all over again,” Blaine ranted, acting without thinking and stepping forward to shove Kurt hard, his hands pushing into Kurt’s strong shoulders.
“You pushed me!” Kurt exclaimed, completely aghast.
“Yeah, and I’ll do it again,” Blaine said and he did, his chest feeling like it’d caught on fire.
“Blaine, stop!” Kurt yelled, his eyes taking on the icy glare that Blaine had honestly never seen turned on himself before this moment. Kurt had had enough, obviously, because he stepped toward Blaine and shoved him back.
“I hate you.” Push.
“I love you.” Shove.
“I hate you!” Shove.
“I love you,” Kurt said, pushing Blaine again but all of the stoniness from his face was gone. He looked tired and hurt and years older than he really was. “Blaine, I love you. I always have. I never stopped.”
“Then why did you push me away?” Blaine demanded, shoving Kurt again, this time until his back collided hard against the wall. Kurt stood there heaving in deep breaths while Blaine did the same. They stared each other down until Kurt launched himself from the wall, shoving Blaine so hard he actually stumbled backward. That was one of the things Blaine had always loved about Kurt-how strong he was and how most people had no idea.
“Because you terrify me, Blaine Anderson. We’re young and we’ve never dated anyone else and all I ever do is miss you. You’re all I ever think about. I love you so much it hurts all over. And it scares the shit out of me that I feel this way so young. It scares me and I thought that if I broke up with you it might go away. But it didn’t. It just got worse. I am so in love with you I can hardly breathe when you’re not around. I found the love of my life in high school. That doesn’t happen to normal people, Blaine. But here we are. So yes, I pushed you away, but not because I didn’t love you. I pushed you away because I love you so much that I don’t know how to exist when you’re not around. Living in New York without you breaks my heart. You say I’ve broken your heart three times? You’ve broken mine every single day since this school year started,” Kurt shouted at him.
“You do not get to blame this on my decision to come to this school, Kurt. You’re the one who told me to come here! We’ve been over this a thousand times!”
“I’m glad you’re here, Blaine. It’s a great fit for you. But you said that you’d been making plans for our future. So had I! From the moment we agreed to move to New York together, I’d been planning our future. I imagined morning bagel runs and going to see Broadway shows and walking around the most incredible city in the world hand-in-hand with the love of my life. And I know that we have the rest of our lives to do that, but god damn it, I wanted the rest of our lives to start right now,” Kurt yelled, “So I hate you, too, Blaine!” Kurt shoved him again then.
“Good!” Blaine exclaimed, pushing him back. Except this time, when his hands smacked into Kurt’s chest, he didn’t let go.
He balled his fists into the fabric and yanked Kurt against him, immediately crushing their lips together in a kiss that actually hurt. It wasn’t entirely clear to Blaine why he was kissing Kurt. One moment, he’d been shoving him and hating him with everything he had and the next, he’d felt that if their lips weren’t pressed together immediately, he would die. And then, he realized what it was.
“Say it again,” Blaine growled against Kurt’s lips.
“Say what?” Kurt asked breathlessly, clinging onto Blaine’s forearms with his eyes clenched shut. Blaine wasn’t entirely proud of the feeling of intense satisfaction he was getting from the positively wrecked look on Kurt’s face after only a couple seconds of kissing.
“Tell me that you hate me.”
“No. Why would you want me to do that?”
“Do it and then I’ll tell you.” Kurt paused.
“I hate you,” he finally said softly.
“Liar,” Blaine whispered before roughly sucking on the incredibly sensitive spot just to the left side of Kurt’s Adam’s apple.
“No, I do. I hate you. I really hate you,” Kurt babbled, his hips jerking forward and surprising the hell out of Blaine. Not because Kurt had done it. He always reacted pretty extremely when Blaine kissed him there. But rather, Blaine was surprised because when Kurt had rocked his hips forward, he’d done so right into Blaine’s own very hard cock. The cock Blaine hadn’t even realized was hard until that very moment. When had that happened?
“Good. Because you know what I realized during all of this? The only way you can truly hate someone is if you love them. And if you really do hate me, then you love me, too.” Blaine said.
“God, that’s so messed up, Blaine,” Kurt sighed, pressing himself in again to rut against Blaine’s cock.
“I know.” And he did. He knew it was insane that Kurt could stand there and tell him that he loved him over and over and Blaine didn’t believe him until he said that he hated him. But it was true. The word love spills too easily from people’s lips, so how could Blaine truly believe that the boy who had so easily tossed him aside genuinely loved him? Now he could because he knew that Kurt hated him, too. Yes, it was so messed up, but so was everything about this. They were so messed up and Blaine didn’t know whether to love or hate it. He used his leverage on Kurt’s shirt to haul him in even closer. “Now fuck me.”
Kurt moaned and immediately opened his mouth to Blaine for a kiss that was almost entirely tongue and teeth. Blaine felt himself being guided until his back collided with the wall almost exactly where Kurt had been shoved into it moments earlier. With a firm hand, Kurt grabbed onto Blaine’s fully hard cock through his sweatpants, prompting Blaine to buck against the sensation. He needed to feel Kurt inside of him. He needed it now.
“I love you,” Kurt breathed against Blaine’s mouth before biting down on his bottom lip with a little too much pressure.
“Show me,” Blaine said, roughly grabbing the back of Kurt’s head and pulling him in for another rough kiss. He couldn’t get Kurt close enough, yanking on his waist with his free hand and trying to properly slot their hips together in order to gain the best friction. But none of it was good enough and Blaine knew that it wouldn’t be until Kurt was inside of him. “Lube and condoms are in my bottom desk drawer.”
Kurt was gone in an instant and Blaine took that time to shove his sweatpants off and turn around, leaning his forehead against the wall and splaying his fingers on the off-white paint. There was the sound of a cap opening and of Kurt dropping to his knees and then Blaine was crying out and shoving his ass back toward Kurt. Before Blaine had any inclination of what was to come, Kurt had grabbed firmly onto Blaine’s asscheeks and pulled them apart, immediately diving in and licking in hot wet circles around Blaine’s asshole.
“Jesus,” Blaine gritted, sliding one hand up the wall so he could bite down onto it to keep from screaming. It’d been so long he’d almost forgotten how good Kurt was at this. Kurt was keeping his tongue loose, just lazily pressing wet circles into Blaine’s sensitive skin. “Come on. Are you really going to tease me right now?”
Kurt made a little humming noise and pushed just the very tip of his tongue inside before pulling away and immediately replacing his wet tongue with a finger, pressing it inside and not letting up until it was in as far as it could go.
“More,” Blaine said immediately, needing the pressure, needing to feel filled.
Kurt pressed a kiss to the base of Blaine’s spine as he slid in another, tracing his tongue in erratic patterns on the hypersensitive skin right above the swell of Blaine’s ass. Blaine felt a breath catch in his chest as Kurt found his prostate and slowly started to massage it, moving his fingers in and out infinitesimally as they pressed and waned in just the right way to leave Blaine moaning into his hand. A wave of heat swept over Blaine, leaving his entire body too hot, sweaty, and desperate for more. Without waiting to be asked, Kurt added a third finger, the burning pleasure from the stretch making Blaine bite down onto the side of his thumb. It had been way too long since they’d done this.
“I love you,” Kurt repeated. Blaine started at the sound, finding that Kurt was speaking into his ear now while his fingers continued to slowly work at preparing Blaine for the far bigger, and yet completely welcome, intrusion still to come. His mouth opened to return the sentiment, but snapped his jaw shut.
Not yet.
The telltale sound of a condom wrapper being ripped open filled Blaine’s ears and he slid his feet wider apart in anticipation. The thick head of Kurt’s cock pressed at Blaine’s entrance and he pushed back, needing it more than he ever had before.
This wasn’t just about getting fucked, though it’d been a month since he’d had an orgasm. It was about feeling Kurt there inside of him. Feeling how much he cared. Knowing that Kurt could make him come. That Kurt wanted to. About feeling Kurt’s breath on his neck and his heart beating in his chest and his cock, pulsing as he came inside of Blaine. Because of Blaine. He needed to feel Kurt take control, because he’d been the one to cause Blaine’s life to fall into such a desperate spiral. Kurt needed to be the one to put it all back together again. He needed to be the one to make things right.
“I love you,” Kurt whispered in Blaine’s ear before slowly pushing in. As the head of his cock slipped past those tight rings of muscle, Blaine slapped a hand against the wall and bucked back hard, wanting all of him inside at once. Kurt grabbed him around the waist, pulling him against his chest and holding him still all at the same time. “Patience.”
“It’s been over a month. Fuck patience,” Blaine moaned. Kurt said nothing, just wrapped a hand around Blaine’s half-hard cock and started slowly pumping, the movements of his hand moving about half as fast as the pistoning of his hips.
It was rough, needy, desperate. It was perfect.
All Blaine could process was the slapping of Kurt’s balls against his ass, the soft yet firm feeling of Kurt’s hand sliding up and down his cock, the huffing of Kurt’s breath hot and moist against the back of his neck. Kurt felt like heaven inside of him, the speed just this side of uncomfortable, the time passed since Blaine last had something in his ass far too long for such little preparation, and yet it really was perfect.
Kurt reached out to swipe his thumb across the head of Blaine’s cock, sliding through the precome there and taking his sweet time sliding it down a vein. Blaine slapped his hand away and started jerking himself off. He needed to come. He needed to shudder and lose control and moan and clench around Kurt’s cock.
Kurt moved his hands to Blaine’s shoulders, bucking even harder up into Blaine and holding on like he was riding him. Every thrust he made was accompanied by a grunt and the pornographic slap of skin on skin and the wet sound of his cock sliding in and out of Blaine’s ass. That was all Blaine could hear, not the sound of his own straining breaths or the frenzied movement of his hand on his own cock-just the sound of Kurt fucking him hard and fast.
It had been so long since Blaine had come, but he wasn’t close yet. He was too busy enjoying every moment-loving the stretch he felt from Kurt’s thick cock moving inside of him, memorizing the feeling in a way that he’d never done before because he’d never before been worried that this time could be their last.
Blaine leaned back against Kurt’s chest, wishing that they hadn’t been quite so impatient and would’ve finished undressing. He wanted to feel the stickiness of Kurt’s sweaty chest against his back, feel every inch of their bodies pressed together.
“You feel so good,” Kurt moaned into Blaine’s ear before biting down onto the lobe and tugging with his teeth. “So tight.”
Blaine just let out a noise somewhere between a grunt and a moan and started pumping his dick even harder. God, he really wanted to come. Without losing his momentum, Kurt pushed Blaine forward at the shoulders, angling him so that every one of his thrusts was sliding over his prostate in the most delicious way. Blaine cried out and against slapped a hand against the wall.
He could tell that Kurt was getting close. His thrusts were getting more erratic, more vigorous, and the grip he had on Blaine’s shoulders was becoming almost painful. Blaine moved his hand even faster, desperate to come at this point. His entire body was tense, pressure building at the base of his cock and in his balls. It was finally happening. He was getting close.
“Oh god,” Kurt cried out, his fingertips digging into Blaine’s shoulders as he stilled inside of Blaine’s ass, buried to the hilt and grinding ever so slightly as he came.
“What?” Blaine asked distantly. He’d known that Kurt’s orgasm was coming, but he had never thought that Kurt would come before he did. Because now it was over.
Kurt slumped against his back, hooking his chin over Blaine’s shoulder as he sucked in a few shuddering breaths.
“Wow,” Kurt breathed, “That---”
“I haven’t come yet,” Blaine said, lifting up on his toes until Kurt’s cock slid from him and turning around.
“I know, I’ll---” Kurt said, reaching for Blaine’s cock, but for the second time that night, Blaine slapped Kurt’s hand away.
“No, I want your mouth,” Blaine admitted, putting his hands on Kurt’s shoulders and pushing downward. Willingly, Kurt dropped to his knees, pulling off the condom and tossing it into the nearby garbage can before grabbing onto Blaine’s thighs and leaning in.
Blaine grabbed his cock at the base and guided it toward Kurt’s eager mouth. His tongue was out and waiting and Blaine felt his dick give an appreciative twitch. With great care, he slid his cock into Kurt’s mouth little by little until he was halfway in. Then, he laced both hands through Kurt’s hair and roughly jerked his hips forward.
Kurt choked a little and gripped onto Blaine’s hips tighter, but when Blaine looked down at Kurt, he was giving him a nod of approval. Kurt was going to let him do this. Thank god.
“I wanted you to make me come by fucking me. But I guess this’ll have to do,” Blaine said, barely able to get out three words in a string without expelling a moan or a shuddering breath.
Kurt’s mouth was amazing and the way each deep thrust was making him gag a little was disturbingly hot. If Kurt hadn’t been looking up at him with trusting eyes, Blaine would’ve pulled back immediately no matter how phenomenal it felt. But the fact that Kurt was looking up through his lashes, just relaxing his jaw and taking every thrust Blaine was giving him wearing only a t-shirt and a scarf that so did not match made the love Blaine felt for him burn hotter than it had in a long time. Maybe forever.
Blaine snapped his hips forward over and over, making each thrust go deep until the head of his cock bumped against the back of Kurt’s throat. Kurt was moaning indecently and tonguing at the underside of Blaine’s cock like it was the most delicious thing he’d ever tasted. When at the end of one particularly forceful thrust Kurt grabbed his bare ass and pulled him in as close as he would go, Blaine assumed that he’d done something wrong.
But no.
Instead, Kurt simply held him in tight, angling his head just so to allow Blaine in even deeper. And then, he swallowed, the smooth walls of his throat rubbing against the head of Blaine’s cock. With a shocked cry, Blaine’s orgasm slammed into him out of nowhere. He gripped even harder onto Kurt’s thick hair, riding out his orgasm on Kurt’s tongue.
When he felt that he could move and not fall, he took a step back, his cock slipping from Kurt’s mouth and he looked down. Kurt’s perfect pink tongue was reaching out to swipe at the ample amounts of come that had slid from his mouth. Blaine dropped to his knees and took Kurt’s head in his hands, swiping off his come with his thumbs.
“You usually swallow,” Blaine said softly.
“I did. You’ve never come that much before,” Kurt said, his voice a little raspy. Blaine had done that. He felt his dick want to get hard again and he resisted the urge to shoot it a dirty look. Now wasn’t the time. He leaned in and pressed a kiss to the corner of Kurt’s mouth, darting his tongue out to clean up the remaining traces of come lingering there.
“I’m sorry I shoved you,” Blaine whispered against Kurt’s lips.
“You got a little crazy there,” Kurt said, trying for a joke but not quite getting there.
“Only because of you. You are the only person on this planet who can make me so crazy. Who I can both love and hate at the same time. But I will never stop being in love with you, wanting you. I need you, Kurt,” Blaine said.
“I need you, too. And I know I’ve said it so many times, but I’m so sorry. I’ll do everything I can to regain your trust, to make you understand how much I regret this and wish I could take it all back,” Kurt said. “I just don’t know what to do with these feelings I have for you.” He took Blaine’s right hand and placed it over his heart. It was racing. “That isn’t from the orgasm. That’s from you. Just from being near you. You still make me feel this way after all this time.”
Blaine clamped his eyes shut and tried not to cry, but knew it was a battle he was going to lose. A sob clawed its way from his lips without warning and he grabbed Kurt in a fierce hug, not caring if he was hurting Kurt because he needed the boy in his arms to understand just how badly he needed him. Had to have him. Loved him.
They clung to each other for a long time and it took Blaine almost half of this time to realize that Kurt was crying too. Kurt was the first to pull back, swiping at his eyes with the end of his scarf before doing the same to Blaine’s face. The action was so simple and yet it made Blaine’s heart ache. This was his Kurt. The one he’d fallen in love with. The one who had burrowed his way into Blaine’s soul, rendering him useless without his other half.
“What do we do now?” Kurt asked softly
“I don’t know, but I’m really ready to be done getting over you,” Blaine said, laughing a little despite himself. Kurt joined him, laughing too, that beautiful sound that Blaine had mourned the loss of from his life just two weeks earlier. With a fresh round of tears brewing, Blaine pulled Kurt close and for some reason kept laughing. It felt manic and bizarre, but they just sat there and laughed and cried until Blaine knew that he couldn’t stand to do either for another second.
“I love you,” Blaine finally said. Kurt moaned a little in an affectionate way, grabbing onto Blaine’s face and kissing him slow and deep.
“I love you, too.”
Though Blaine knew he was capable of it, he never again hated Kurt. Because even though he loved him more than anything and no one else could get under his skin the way Kurt could, when you find your soulmate at the age of sixteen, there’s no good reason to waste a moment of that gift of time with anything other than a heart full of love.
The end