Kurt/Blaine: The Five Stages of Getting Over Kurt Hummel (1/3)
Title: The Five Stages of Getting Over Kurt Hummel (1/3)
Pairings: Kurt/Blaine
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 25,667
Spoilers: None.
Warnings: Mild violence.
Summary: One night during the spring of their freshman year of college, Kurt breaks up with Blaine over Skype. He claims that he misses Blaine too much due to their seven hour separation. All he ever does is miss Blaine and it's just too much for him to bear any longer, so he ends the relationship. Blaine has no warning, no inkling, nothing. At first he's in denial, then furious, then depressed. He becomes hopeful that he'll get Kurt back only to backslide again when an unexpected phone call comes his way. Back and forth Blaine bounces between the five stages of grief as he tries to do the hardest thing he's ever had to do: get over Kurt Hummel. His soulmate. The love of his life. The first and only boy to ever truly steal his heart, who had in turn ripped that heart right in two. Can Blaine repair the wounds that Kurt's hurtful actions have left behind? Or will he continue to flounder his way through those stages, never quite making it to a level of acceptance that will actually stick.
A/N: This story was written for the Blaine Big Bang over at beyond-dapper. It was betaed by the wonderful and amazing silverdragon87, alpha read by oddmeants & pavementchaser, and an amazingly perfect fanmix was made for it by brainspasmz.
Prelude: The Loss
Blaine grinned and rubbed his hands together. It was Thursday night. Thursday night meant a Skype date with Kurt.
His roommate had been banished for the next two hours. He had a bottle of lube and his favorite dildo sitting out next to his computer. He was ready to go.
As he glanced at the clock and took a few swigs from a bottle of water, he debated. Should he go ahead and take off all his clothes before they got online? No, he should wait. It might seem presumptuous even though every single one of their Skype sessions inevitably ended with (or mostly consisted of) sex.
It wasn’t ideal. He would have much rather had the chance to touch Kurt in person. To kiss him and taste him and be the one to make him come. But, their lives had taken a slightly different path than they’d anticipated. He’d been accepted into the Carnegie Mellon School of Music, intending to major in Music with a Music Education Certification minor. It was his dream to be a music teacher and being accepted into such a prestigious program was an opportunity that he just hadn’t been able to pass up. Kurt had agreed even though he had followed their original plan and had wound up at New York University studying Vocal Performance.
They were making it work. There hadn’t been many opportunities to visit one another in the eight months they’d been in school, but Skyping a few times a week and making daily phone calls was okay for now. It wasn’t enough and it took a lot of effort, but Kurt was worth it. He was worth every effort.
When the clock said that it was one minute until eight, Blaine hurried over to the computer and logged onto Skype. Kurt was already on. He quickly started a video chat and sighed contentedly as Kurt’s face came into view on his screen.
“Hey babe,” Blaine said.
“Hi,” Kurt said softly. He looked sad. Blaine felt the smile on his face sag into a frown and he leaned forward.
“What’s wrong?” he asked. Kurt looked away and pursed his lips. “Hey, come on. Talk to me.”
“I don’t know what to say,” Kurt admitted, blinking hard a few times and still refusing to look back at Blaine.
“Kurt. Look at me,” Blaine said, his heart thudding. What could possibly be wrong? Was it something with school? Something with Burt? Oh god, what if he’d had another heart attack. “Tell me what’s wrong.”
“I can’t do this anymore,” Kurt said, both hands flying to cover his face as a sob choked its way from his beautiful mouth.
“Can’t do what anymore? School? Are you stressed? I can come visit this weekend. I have a test on Monday but-”
“No. School’s fine. I can’t do this anymore,” Kurt said, pulling away his hands to gesture toward the computer screen and in turn revealing his perfect face now red and streaked with tears.
“The long-distance thing?”
“Yes,” Kurt said, hesitating before agreeing.
“I’ll transfer. I’ll transfer at the end of the school year. I was thinking about it anyway,” Blaine offered, scrambling for the right thing to say. He would have said anything in that moment to make Kurt stop crying when he was too far away to hug him until he stopped.
“No! Damn it, Blaine. You’re not transferring!” Kurt said, his voice harsh and…tired. “It’s a great school and a great opportunity for you. You’re not going to leave because of me.”
“But I’d do anything for you,” Blaine was so confused he could hardly speak the words. “What do you want me to do? Do you want me to visit more often? Call more?”
“I don’t want you to do anything,” Kurt said softly, his voice so faint Blaine could hardly hear him. “Not anymore.” Blaine cocked his head to the side and tried to stop the puzzle pieces in his brain from sliding into place. The picture they were making was too horrible, too incomprehensible.
“What are you saying?”
“I want to break up.”
The breath Blaine had been inhaling caught in his throat, choking him as he sat there and stared wide-eyed at Kurt. His boyfriend. His lover. His soulmate. The boy who had come down the stairs and into his life faster and with more force and passion than anyone else he’d ever met.
“No,” Blaine finally managed to say, shaking his head. “No. We… you can’t… No, Kurt!” He wanted to shake him, but Kurt was just sitting there crying and looking regretful with those gorgeous eyes that Blaine had stared into for so many hours over the past two years.
“I’ve given this a lot of thought and-”
“And you couldn’t have talked to me? This is coming out of nowhere!”
“It isn’t.” Kurt shook his head. “Can you honestly tell me that you’re happy with this relationship right now? Seeing each other once every few months? Skyping? Talking on the phone? It isn’t enough. I can’t do this anymore!”
“Can’t do what? Love me?” Blaine shouted, his anger and shock getting the best of him.
“Miss you. I can’t keep missing you. Every day, all I do is miss you. It’s all I can think about. All day, all I can think about is the next time I’m going to get to talk to you. I don’t do things with friends because I might miss your call. I can’t concentrate on my homework. I’m distant. I’m lonely. I just can’t be like this anymore, Blaine. I can’t do it!”
“You’re breaking up with me because you miss me? How is that going to solve anything?”
“Because I can get over you this way,” Kurt said. Blaine made a noise of quiet protest, slumping back in his chair.
“This isn’t happening,” Blaine said. “You can’t be serious.”
“I am.”
“I thought you loved me,” Blaine said. “We had so many plans. We were going to-”
“We were going to do a lot of things that already haven’t happened.”
“So this is about me changing my mind about going to New York? You were the one who told me to do this. You were the one who convinced me!” Blaine exclaimed.
“This has nothing to do with that!” Kurt barked back at him. “Well, I suppose it does, but I don’t resent you for taking the opportunity. It was the right thing to do. But us continuing to date when we never get to see each other, when we’re not really experiencing college and living our lives because we’re too wrapped up in this long-distance relationship, it isn’t healthy!”
“It’s what you do when you love someone. You make it work. I thought we were making it work, but I guess I was pretty fucking wrong about that,” Blaine snapped.
Kurt visibly flinched when Blaine swore. Covering his face in his hands, Blaine gave a few heaving breaths into his palms. This wasn’t happening. It couldn’t be.
His throat was closing up. His heart was racing. His skin was flushed. His eyes burned. Oh god, he was going to start crying.
“Blaine?” Kurt asked. Blaine didn’t respond, just sobbed into his hands and spun his chair until he was facing away from the computer. Away from Kurt. Away from the boy who was in the process of breaking his heart. “Blaine?”
“Just give me a minute!” Blaine yelled through his tears, scrubbing hard at his cheeks with the sleeve of his hoodie and trying to breathe steadily again. Finally, when he felt that he could, he turned his chair back around and looked at Kurt. “So, this is it? We’re broken up now?”
“This isn’t easy for me either,” Kurt said. “I love you, but-”
“But just not enough to try and make this work. Yeah, I got that.”
“Do not put words in my mouth, Blaine Anderson. I love you and even though this is killing me, I know it’s the right thing to do. For both of us. Maybe you can’t see it now, but you will.”
“No I won’t. I’ll never understand this. I’ll never understand why you’re throwing away a good relationship, one that would have been forever if you hadn’t just shut the door,” Blaine said, trying to fight back against the pressure behind his eyes. “What am I supposed to do now?”
“You’ll move on,” Kurt said, wiping his cheeks. Blaine did the same, but the effort was in vain. Another round of tears was brewing and started to fall before he spoke again.
“That’s not what I mean. What am I supposed to do without you?” Blaine asked softly, his breaths hitching and making him feel seconds away from hyperventilating. “You’re my best friend.”
Kurt made a little strangled noise and pressed a hand hard into his eyes.
“I’m going to log off now,” he said, still not looking at Blaine.
“Kurt, no! Wait!” Blaine cried, grabbing onto the sides of his laptop’s screen and looking pleadingly at Kurt. Kurt dropped his hand and shook his head.
“Goodbye, Blaine,” he said before the window went dark.
“No!” Blaine shouted, gripping harder until he crumpled on top of the laptop, his tears falling onto the keyboard as he sobbed.
Kurt was gone.
Gone.
Denial
“Hello? Is it safe to come in?” Blaine’s roommate, Brandon, asked through the door. Blaine didn’t answer. He couldn’t.
The door opened slowly and Blaine heard Brandon step into the room and lock up behind himself.
“Are you okay? Did you jerk it so hard you died?” Brandon asked, playfully poking Blaine’s shoulder. He was still lying facedown on his laptop. It had died about ten minutes earlier. Without the heat from the battery warming his face, he felt cold. So incredibly cold. “Blaine?”
“Kurt broke up with me,” Blaine mumbled.
Brandon froze for a moment before a flurry of noise sounded off to Blaine’s left. Brandon’s face appeared in front of Blaine’s as he leaned over the desk.
“Oh my god. Are you okay?” Brandon asked, clenching his eyes shut and swearing under his breath. “No, of course you’re not okay. What can I do?”
“Wake me up,” Blaine said, hardly registering the words coming from his mouth.
“You’re not dreaming.”
Blaine groaned and slowly turned his head to the other side, his nose dragging against the keys until his left cheek was settled in.
“Just go away,” Blaine whispered, closing his eyes to the sight of his roommate and his sympathetic eyes.
“No such luck. I live here and I’m not leaving you alone right now. I’ll give you your space, but I’m not going anywhere,” Brandon said. “And if you want to cry, I’ll pretend like I don’t hear, okay?”
Blaine grunted and rolled his eyes behind his closed lids. He liked Brandon and knew that he meant well by staying, but at the moment, all Blaine wanted was to be alone with his thoughts. Ones he could manipulate to convince himself that it was all just a dream. A terrible, terrible dream.
Yes, no matter what his roommate said, Blaine was dreaming. He was. He’d fallen asleep waiting for eight o’clock to come. There was no way that Kurt had broken up with him. The easy, honest relationship he’d only ever dreamed of before meeting Kurt wasn’t over. Kurt hadn’t been plotting to break up with him for awhile with Blaine being none the wiser. No, that definitely had not happened.
So, there was no reason for him to just go on moping. Because it hadn’t happened.
Blaine stood and shuffled the few feet to his bed. He dropped to the mattress, pulled the sheets and comforter over his fully clothed body and went to sleep.
When he awoke the next morning to the sound of his alarm, he glared at the ceiling. How had seven arrived so quickly? It felt like only minutes had passed since he’d climbed into bed, so how could it be time to get up already?
He had a class at eight-music theory with Brandon. There was no way he was getting out of it. But that was okay, because the entire thing had just been a dream. Never mind the fact that Kurt hadn’t called to see why Blaine hadn’t gotten on Skype. Kurt had fallen asleep, too. Yes, that was it. That was definitely it.
Blaine rose, grabbed his shower caddy and headed for the bathroom, the sound of his flip-flops smacking against the soles of his feet the only thing he could hear in the otherwise silent hallway. Most of the guys on his floor were smart enough to not have classes until nine or ten. There was no such privilege for music majors.
The heat of the shower felt good against his skin that still felt cold. Numb. Blaine scrubbed his body harder than usual, leaving streaks of angry red across his arms, chest, and stomach. He spent over a minute working the shampoo into his curly locks, the ones that were a little more grown out now and significantly happier since he’d stopped gelling them back every day. The feeling of his fingertips raking against his scalp was rhythmic and he was using just enough pressure for it to feel like a massage.
It took every ounce of effort he had, but he did a pretty good job of not thinking about anything as he showered. He focused his mental efforts onto what he needed to do next.
Pick up the shampoo.
Shampoo your hair.
Pick up the conditioner.
The conditioner that Kurt bought for you.
And it smells like Kurt because he uses it, too, because it’s good for any hair type.
Stop thinking about Kurt.
Put the conditioner in your hair.
Grab the soap.
Wash your body.
Rinse.
Get to class.
So he’d only thought about Kurt once. That was pretty good. Blaine usually spent the entirety of his showers thinking about Kurt. Usually while wrapping a hand around his dick and jerking off. But he hadn’t done that today!
Even though the horror of the night before had clearly been a dream, he still felt strange. Odd. Empty. A really powerful dream can do that to you, though. Make you think that what happened in the dream was reality.
Blaine could call Kurt just to hear the sound of his voice to soothe himself back into a better headspace, but Kurt didn’t have class until ten on Fridays. After dating Kurt for almost two years, Blaine knew better than to wake him up before his alarm. He’d learned that the hard way the summer before their senior year when Finn had let him in and he’d climbed in bed with Kurt only to earn a shriek and a punch to the chest. Why Kurt startled awake with the reflexes of a soldier sleeping over enemy lines, Blaine had no idea, but the punch had hurt like hell. Needless to say, he hadn’t done that again. Not even over the phone, because the shriek had been pretty bad too.
He got dressed in a warm burgundy sweater (that Kurt had picked out) and some dark wash straight leg jeans (that Kurt had picked out) and put on just a little cologne (that Kurt had bought him for Christmas). While Brandon stumbled around the room, gathering clothes before heading into the bathroom, Blaine ate a granola bar and looked in amusement at his roommate who he was pretty sure was sleepwalking at the moment. Once Blaine was ready for the morning and had checked to be sure that his homework was done and in his messenger bag, he headed for his desk to check his email.
Before he even had a chance to sit down, he froze. The dildo and lube were still sitting out on his desk. Beyond mortified, Blaine snagged the thankfully subtle black dildo and bottle of KY and shoved them in his bottom desk drawer where he kept them stashed most of the time. Had Brandon seen them?
Of course he had. So why hadn’t he said anything? Why hadn’t he teased Blaine about it the way he had the one other time Blaine had been stupid enough to leave it out? Brandon never passed up an opportunity to give Blaine a hard time.
The reason behind Brandon’s silence unfurled slowly in Blaine’s brain the way that hard-to-swallow realizations usually do. It burned and hurt and made Blaine break out in chills so severe he outwardly shuddered from the cold. His heart thudded in his throat and his eyes glassed over.
Brandon hadn’t teased Blaine about the dildo because he was giving Blaine his space. Because Kurt had broken up with him the night before. Because it wasn’t a dream.
It was real.
Blaine sat down in his desk chair. Well, he more collapsed into it, sending the thing flying a few inches to his left as he plopped down. He plugged in his computer, blinking back tears, and waited for it to come alive again. Because it had died the night before. After Kurt had broken up with him.
As soon as the thing was up and running again, Blaine checked his e-mail. Just a few spam messages, one Facebook notification from Santana and a forwarded e-mail from Jeff about penis enlargement pills. Then, he signed onto Facebook.
The first item on his Top News feed made his stomach drop before twisting and making him feel suddenly desperate to vomit.
Kurt Hummel went from being ‘in a relationship’ to ‘single’.
It had 20 comments. No likes.
Blaine couldn’t bring himself to read them. Not a single one.
Those were the ten most awful words he’d ever read: Kurt Hummel went from being ‘in a relationship’ to ‘single’.
Blaine clicked on Kurt’s name and was immediately taken to his profile. He couldn’t hit the Unfriend link fast enough.
Anger
The majority of Kurt’s profile vanished from sight. He had it locked down pretty tight privacy-wise so only people he was friends with could see his information. All of his pictures were gone. His wall was gone. All that was left was his picture, a headshot he’d gotten done when he had moved to the city that fall. Up until a few minutes ago, Blaine had loved that picture.
There was just a hint of a smile curling at the corners of Kurt’s full lips and his eyes were positively sparkling. Back then, Kurt had been exhilarated to be in the city. He’d called Blaine from every new place he went, practically breathless with excitement and pure, unfiltered joy. Blaine had been so happy for him, knowing that the second he graduated, he would be moving to the city to join Kurt so they could start their life together.
Boy, he’d sure been wrong about that. Really fucking wrong.
He went back to his own profile, ignoring the post he now saw was from Santana, and started going through his pictures.
He and Kurt at junior prom. Delete.
Kurt waving as he left the gate, boarding the plane that would take him to Nationals. Delete.
He and Kurt at a pool party at Rachel’s house. Delete.
Kurt dressed in his old Cheerios uniform for Halloween. Delete.
He and Kurt at Sectionals senior year. Delete.
He and Kurt kissing. DELETEDELETEDELETE.
Every single picture he had of himself and Kurt, he was going to delete. It was a decision that came easily. He didn’t want those pictures anymore. Didn’t want any reminders of what he’d had less than a day ago. What was supposed to be forever. Gone.
His finger stabbed repeatedly at the button on his laptop causing an arrhythmic snap that filled the room along with his own heaving breaths.
“What are you doing?” Brandon asked. How long had he been back from the bathroom? Blaine hadn’t noticed him reenter the room. “We need to get to class.”
“I’m not going to class,” Blaine said. Delete. Delete. Delete.
“Yes, you are.” Delete.
“No, I’m not,” Blaine gritted. Delete.
“Seriously, what are you doing?” Brandon asked again, his voice closer now.
“Deleting pictures,” Blaine said simply. Brandon grabbed his arms and tried to pull them away from the laptop.
“Don’t do that! You’ll regret it later,” Brandon told him. Blaine jerked against Brandon’s hold until he finally let go. He turned and glared at his roommate who visibly stiffened from the look.
“Fuck later. All that matters is now, and right now, I can’t have these around.”
“You’re going to be really mad at yourself for this,” Brandon said, “I’m going to class. You should really come, too.”
Blaine ignored him and just got back to it. Delete. Delete.
He and Kurt at graduation. Delete.
Kurt sitting on Blaine’s bed in the very dorm room where Blaine was now sitting. Delete.
He and Kurt on top of the Empire State Building after they moved Kurt into his dorm room. Delete.
Before Blaine had started deleting away his entire relationship with Kurt, he’d had 584 pictures loaded onto his Facebook. After, he only had 50. Instead of this making Blaine sad, it made him furious. Was that really what his life had been for the last two years? All Kurt and hardly anything else?
Kurt, who was willing to throw him away so easily just because things were hard at the moment. Kurt, who had promised him forever and then just ripped it from Blaine’s grasp without even having a conversation with him about it. Kurt, his first love. Kurt, who was supposed to be his only love.
Blaine had lost himself in that beautiful boy with his angelic voice and strong, lean body, his handsome face and his lightning fast wit. That was why he felt so empty. He’d given so much of himself to Kurt, and Kurt hadn’t even cared.
Sure, he said that he loved him, but how could he? How could he love Blaine and treat him this way? Toss him out in the cold without so much as a warning? No, Kurt didn’t love him. Maybe he never had. Maybe the crush Kurt had once had on Blaine was all it had ever really been. Maybe he’d been unhappy for a long time while Blaine was just following him like a lost puppy who had finally found an owner who treated him right.
Blaine looked at the clock. Two hours had passed. It had taken him two hours to delete Kurt from his Facebook and there was one more thing to do. He had to change his own relationship status. It still said In a Relationship, though now the other participant in said relationship was notably missing. Because Kurt had already removed it.
When had he done it? Kurt was never up earlier than he had to be. Had he changed it the second after he disconnected from Skype? Couldn’t wait to be rid of Blaine in every way possible?
Blaine could have checked. The timestamp would have told him exactly when Kurt had made the big change. But, he’d already unfriended Kurt, so now he was stuck. Blaine sighed and dropped back in his chair, looking around the room until his gaze settled in on Brandon’s desk. His laptop was open.
Brandon was friends with Kurt on Facebook. Perfect.
Thankfully, Brandon never signed out of anything. His email was always sitting open, as was a tab for Twitter and, thankfully, Facebook. Blaine took a deep breath and clicked on the tab with the little white f encased in a blue square. It took only seconds for Blaine to bring up Kurt’s profile. He immediately clicked the link to expand the comments on the top post.
Kurt Hummel went from being ‘in a relationship’ to ‘single’.
8 hours ago
Finn Hudson
What????
8 hours ago
Rachel Berry
Finn just called me. While I don’t appreciate being woken up in the middle of the night, I am very sorry to hear that you and Blaine broke up.
7 hours ago
Mercedes Jones
I know I’ve already said it a hundred times tonight, but I love you and will do whatever you need me to. I’ll come visit this weekend. I have some money saved up and can get a plane ticket.
6 hours ago
Santana Lopez
Please tell me you’re joking.
6 hours ago
Brittany S. Pierce
:( :( :( <3
6 hours ago
Kurt Hummel
Finn, I’ll call you in the morning. Rachel, thank you. Mercedes, I don’t know what I’d do without you. Santana, why would I joke about something like this? Brittany, <3
6 hours ago
Finn Hudson
No. Call me now.
6 hours ago
Kurt Hummel
It’s four in the morning. Go to sleep, Finn. What are you doing up anyway?
6 hours ago
Finn Hudson
I was up studying and then I saw this.
6 hours ago
Quinn Fabray
I’m sorry, Kurt. :(
4 hours ago
Lauren Zizes
Do I need to drive to Pittsburgh to kick his ass?
3 hours ago
Tina Cohen-Chang
Oh my god, Kurt. I’m so sorry! Is there anything I can do?
3 hours ago
Mike Chang
:( I really thought you guys were going to make it.
2 hours ago
Artie Abrams
Sorry Kurt. :(
1 hour ago
Kurt Hummel
Quinn, thank you. Lauren, no ass-kicking will be needed, but I appreciate the offer. Tina, thank you but no. I just need some time. Mike, thank you. Me, too. Artie, thank you.
1 hour ago
Carole Hummel
Oh honey, if there’s anything you need, just let us know! We love you!
45 minutes ago
Finn Hudson
Call me if you need me today, even if I’m in class. (Especially if I’m in class.)
30 minutes ago
Kurt Hummel
Thanks, Carole. I’m going to call Dad later. Finn, I’ll call you tonight. You need to pay attention in class. I’m not tutoring you over the phone again.
30 minutes ago
Mercedes Jones
Seriously. Whatever you need, I’m here for you.
10 minutes ago
Noah ‘Puck’ Puckerman
Dude, are you serious? I thought you guys were going to get married and adopt a kid from Guatemala and shit.
5 minutes ago
Twenty messages. Every single person in Glee had sent Kurt a message. And they were all so sympathetic. Poor Kurt. What a crock of shit. They had no idea what had really taken place. That Kurt had been the dumper not the dumpee. That Blaine should be the one getting the sympathy messages. That Kurt was the one who had given up.
Blaine remembered the message he’d gotten from Santana and went back to his profile to finally see what it said.
Santana Lopez
Please tell me that you and Kurt didn’t really break up. The thought of it makes me want to barf and you know how I feel about ~emotions. Call me, okay? I’m here if you need me
. 6 hours ago
Tina Cohen-Chang, Quinn Fabray and 7 others like this
Blaine made his way back over to his own desk and started to write a new status. It took him a good ten minutes and countless tries until he got it just right.
Kurt broke up with me. I had no idea he was unhappy. He didn’t talk to me about it. He broke my heart.
Last night, Kurt broke up with me. I had no idea he was unhappy. He didn’t talk to me about it. He broke my heart.
Last night, Kurt ended our almost two year relationship. I had no idea he was unhappy. He didn’t talk to me about it. He broke my heart.
Last night, Kurt ended our almost two year relationship. He broke my heart. I feel empty.
Last night, Kurt ended our almost two year relationship. I feel empty. I don’t know what to do.
Last night, Kurt ended our almost two year relationship. I don’t know what to do. I feel empty
Finally satisfied that everyone would understand what had really happened, Blaine hit return and the message was officially posted. The anger that had been raging through his body for the last several hours was gone. He felt boneless. Heavy and hollow. He felt like a shell of the Blaine who had existed not even a day earlier.
He shut his laptop, grabbed his cell, and headed back to bed where he crawled beneath the covers, put a pillow over his head, and cried.
Depression
An entire week had passed since Kurt had shattered Blaine’s heart into a million tiny, irreparable pieces. In that time, Blaine had gone to class a total of three times, eaten two actual meals (the rest was just nibbles taken off of whatever Brandon left next to his pillow), taken three showers (that had all consisted of staring blankly at the wall and doing very little actual bathing), and had slept for approximately 140 hours.
"How long are you going to mope like this?” Brandon asked, sitting down on the edge of Blaine’s bed and yanking the covers off his face.
“Until being awake doesn’t make me feel like I’m going to die,” Blaine said, attempting to regain control of his own bedding, but Brandon wasn’t relinquishing his grip.
“You’re making a real ass out of yourself.”
“I don’t care,” Blaine said.
“Yes, you do. You missed a test today, Blaine. That’s a big deal. Our teachers aren’t going to let you miss any more classes without a doctor’s note.”
“Would a psychiatrist note count?” Blaine asked.
“Just get your ass out of bed and for the love of god, call Santana back. Your phone has been buzzing with voicemail notifications all week and it’s driving me insane,” Brandon told him before throwing the covers back over his face.
Blaine sighed and stared up at the blanket. It was safe under there. Whenever he emerged from his down comforter cocoon, something would remind him of Kurt. But then again, everything reminded him of Kurt.
Take the bed he was laying in for example. It definitely reminded him of Kurt. Of moaning into each other’s skin, of feeling Kurt on top of him as they rocked together, of feeling Kurt’s perfectly smooth skin pressed against his.
Maybe the bed wasn’t so safe after all.
Blaine pushed off the covers and sat up, dizziness swirling through his head at the sudden move to vertical orientation. He looked around the room. At the desk lamp Kurt had picked out for him. At the microwave where Kurt had heated up water to make them tea just a few months earlier when he’d come for a visit in the middle of a snow storm.
“We’re going out to dinner,” Brandon said. Blaine opened his mouth to protest but Brandon cut him off. “I’m not asking. I’m telling. We’re going out to dinner. So go wash your rank self off and maybe consider shaving? You look like Paul Bunyan. Unless you were going for the Ted Mosby Break-Up-Beard look.”
“The what?” Blaine asked.
“Never mind,” Brandon shook his head. “Just go shower.”
Blaine did as told, spending a good forty minutes beneath the hot spray as his muscles ached and whined from being used again all of a sudden. Lying down was so much easier. Standing up hurt and it was hard and the flip-flops he was wearing were red and Kurt loved red and why was he awake again?
Blaine shuffled back to his dorm, changed into a long-sleeved Buckeyes t-shirt, Carnegie Mellon hoodie, and a comfortable pair of jeans which were hanging off of his hips and suddenly requiring a belt for some reason. On his feet, he shoved on some sneakers with no socks. A voice in his head that sounded disturbingly like Kurt’s started yelling at him for that, so he silenced it by speaking.
“Where are we going?” Blaine asked, working a little gel through his hair so it wouldn’t puff up and frighten small children.
“Somewhere off campus. It’s up to you, you’re buying,” Brandon said.
“I am?”
“Do you have any idea how much money I’ve spent on food that you didn’t even eat this week? Yes, you’re paying.” Brandon sighed and raked a hand through his shaggy blond hair. “Look, Blaine, I’m sorry. I just don’t know what to do for you and I’m trying to help and nothing’s working. Let’s just get out of here for a while, okay?”
Blaine cast a longing look at his bed and followed Brandon out the door. They decided to just go to Subway. Blaine ordered a footlong and ate a fourth of it while Brandon devoured his own. They didn’t talk while they ate and hadn’t really talked on the way there either. The silence was starting to get to Blaine, making him even more uncomfortable than he already was. It wasn’t because he usually found silences awkward, it was more that he knew Brandon had some kind of motive regarding this dinner out and he wished that they could just get to the point already.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Brandon finally asked as he wadded up his sandwich wrappings.
“Talk about what?” Blaine asked picking up a stray piece of spinach that his sandwich had dropped. Kurt loved spinach.
“About the break-up.”
“No,” Blaine said quickly. And he didn’t. But he did. But mostly he didn’t.
“Well, I think you should but I won’t try to force you to. I know it won’t get me anywhere, but I hate seeing you like this and you have to start going to class again. Right now it’s not too late to make things up, but if you keep skipping, they could very easily kick you out of the program.”
Blaine nodded. He knew that Brandon was right, but that didn’t make him want to go to class. Every muscle in his body ached, he was exhausted despite having slept so much over the past week, and every single thing he thought of reminded him of Kurt. Of what was missing.
It had been an entire week since he’d heard Kurt’s voice. Since the first day they’d met, they had never gone this long without speaking. To be honest, they’d never gone longer than a day.
Blaine rewrapped his sandwich and they made their way back to the car. Brandon drove and Blaine stared out the window, unable to think about anything but the lump in his throat that just would not go away. When they got back to their dorm, Blaine chugged a bottle of water, climbed back into bed, and picked up his phone.
48 missed calls
35 text messages
12 voicemails
Blaine groaned and quickly scrolled through everything. The missed calls were almost all from Santana, though a few random ones from his mother or Brandon. The texts were exclusively from Santana ranging from uncharacteristically sweet (I hope you’re doing okay. I’m thinking about you.) to typical Santana (I swear to god, Blaine Warbler, if you ignore one more of my messages you’re going to find out whether or not I really hide razorblades in my hair!!!!!). He pressed her number on his speed dial and pulled the comforter over his head.
“Well it’s about time,” was her greeting.
“Hey San,” he said softly. He heard her let out a long breath through the phone.
“How are you?”
“I don’t really know,” Blaine admitted, “Sometimes it hurts but most of the time I just feel…nothing.”
“Some people pay a lot of money to feel nothing,” she joked. He didn’t have it in him to laugh for her sake.
“I just don’t know what to do. Everything reminds me of him. I just hurt all the time thinking about him. He said that he couldn’t keep missing me all the time, but how is this helping? I miss him more now that ever.”
“Hummel’s an idiot and I mean that sincerely. Anyone who is stupid enough to let you go deserves that title.”
“He’s not an idiot,” Blaine sighed, “He’s wonderful.”
“He dumped you, Blaine. Get out there and find some hot piece of ass who deserves you and understands what a good thing he has when he gets you,” she said. Blaine could feel bile rising in his throat and he swallowed hard.
“Don’t say things like that to me. I can’t even think about dating anyone but Kurt.”
“You will someday,” she said, “I know because I went through it with Britt. It took awhile before I could be around her, but eventually I did and we’re back to being best friends again.”
“I don’t know I’m supposed to get over him.”
“You’re getting over him by just existing. It’s going to take time, but it’ll happen.”
“It won’t,” Blaine groaned.
“It will. I promise. Someday you’ll look back and wonder how you could have ever been pathetic to spend so much time bitching and moaning over Kurt Hummel.”
“I thought we were going to be together forever,” Blaine whispered.
“Well,” Santana sighed, “Things don’t always happen the way they should. I know that it’s going to take awhile for you to get back to normal, but will you at least promise that you’ll get your ass out of that dinky bed and go to class and stuff? If I e-mail that roommate of yours and find out that you’re not, I’ll drive all the way from Chicago just to kick your ass.”
“Thanks,” Blaine said.
“For what?”
“For being you.”
“You’re going to make me throw up,” Santana said, but Blaine could tell that she was smiling, “I’m calling you again tomorrow at eight to make sure you’re up for your first class. Got it?”
“Yes ma’am,” Blaine said. With that, the line went dead.
Santana was right. If he continued on like this, he would eventually get over Kurt. The pain would lessen. He would start to forget what Kurt smelled like, tasted like, sounded like. With time, he would forget Kurt and all the little reasons why he’d always loved him. It was what happened.
But Blaine didn’t want that to happen. He didn’t want to forget the way Kurt’s cheeks would flush when they kissed or the way he would bite down on his bottom lip when he was chopping something in the kitchen or the way it would take him an hour pick out his own outfit but only seconds to choose Blaine’s for him.
He loved everything about Kurt. Well, except for what he’d done that terrible night. That he didn’t love. That, he hated.
So if lying in bed and skipping class wasn’t really accomplishing anything, then what could he do? What would fix this?
He could get Kurt back. Yes, that would solve everything. He wouldn’t have to get over Kurt. He wouldn’t have to forget everything that he loved so much about Kurt. Blaine wouldn’t have to do any of that because they’d be together again, the madness of the past week just gone.
For the first time in a week, Blaine didn’t feel like he was moments away from death. He felt alive again. Still half empty, but alive.
Bargaining
Blaine spent the rest of the evening staring at the ceiling and devising a plan. He had to be very careful in how he went about this. There was no way that he could just beg Kurt to take him back. No. That definitely wouldn’t work. Kurt was too proud and too strong to give in so easily. He never came by a decision lightly and had likely poured for hours over his decision to break-up with Blaine. The thought of that made Blaine want to simultaneously sob and vomit, but he forced away the urge to do both and got back to the task at hand.
What he had to do was slowly reintroduce himself into Kurt’s life. Sneak his way in. Make Kurt remember how much he loved him.
Maybe that was what had happened, after all. Maybe their separation had made Kurt start to forget all of the little things he loved about Blaine. That was an entirely feasible possibility, one that Blaine immediately chose to acknowledge as truth.
Yes, he would be fine if he could just get a little contact with Kurt. All he needed was a little time. Blaine would do anything to get that time. And so, he prayed.
Blaine had been raised going to church. Every Sunday morning, he and his parents had gotten all dressed up and gone to All Saints Lutheran Church for the ten o’clock service. When Blaine was in junior high, he had started forming his own opinions about things, many of which didn’t align with the religious upbringing he’d been receiving, and by high school he hardly attended at all. His relationship with God had gotten a little lazy and confused, but he hadn’t felt bad about it until this moment.
He needed a little divine intervention in order to get Kurt to just listen to him for a few minutes. There was a very good possibility that Kurt wouldn’t accept a call from Blaine at the moment, hence the need for the praying. With clasped hands and eyes squeezed tightly shut, Blaine whispered to the ceiling.
“I know it’s probably really inappropriate of me to ask anything of you when we haven’t spoken in so long, but I really need your help. I know that I’m only eighteen, but I’ve met the love of my life. He’s amazing. He’s perfect for me. We complement each other in every way that’s important and are different in ways that keep things interesting and that have helped each other grow. We were together for almost two years. Two happy years, but last week he broke up with me. I need to remind him of why we’re good together. I’m afraid that he’s just forgotten because we’ve been separated by such a big distance for so long. If you could help me out so that when I call he doesn’t just hang up on me or screen my call, I would really appreciate it. I’ll do anything to get him back.”
Satisfied that he’d effectively stated his case, Blaine snuggled under the covers and drifted off to sleep.
The next morning, he rose with his alarm and actually got out of bed and showered, much to Brandon’s amazement. Blaine knew that his roommate was assuming that the change in behavior was due to their dinner out the night before, and there was no harm in letting him think that. It was true to an extent. If Brandon hadn’t gotten Blaine out of bed, he never would have checked his messages and talked to Santana. She was a big part of the reason why Blaine wasn’t planning to spend another day under the covers.
Blaine attended his classes. Thankfully on Friday all he had was an eight o’clock Music Theory class, an eleven o’clock voice lesson, and a one o’clock Music History class. By three, Blaine was seated alone in his room, phone in hand.
It took him several failed attempts before he finally mustered up the courage to press Kurt’s number on speed dial. It rang three times before he picked up.
“Blaine…” Kurt said. He sounded like he was starting a sentence that Blaine wouldn’t be thrilled with, but he didn’t finish. He simply waited. Blaine could hear him breathing a little heavy. It made him press the phone harder against his ear so he could catch any little noise that Kurt might make on the other end.
“I know I shouldn’t be calling you,” Blaine said, his heart warming and thudding hard at the mere sound of Kurt speaking one word.
“No, you probably shouldn’t,” Kurt sighed, “What do you need?”
“I just needed to hear your voice,” Blaine admitted. It was true but it was also bait. Now he just had to hope that Kurt would take it. Kurt sighed again, but it was tough to decipher over the phone. Whenever Kurt would sigh around him in person, Blaine could immediately tell which it was: the irritated sigh, the ‘you’re an idiot’ sigh, the bored sigh, the ‘I’m miserable’ sigh, and so on. But now, all he could tell was that Kurt was sighing and that was that.
“Please don’t call me anymore,” Kurt said softly, “I can’t get over you if you call me.”
“I…” Blaine started. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. Kurt was supposed to tell him that he missed him, too. That he needed to hear Blaine’s voice, too. Panic bubbled up in Blaine’s chest, choking him and making the words increasingly difficult to get out. He wanted to say so many things. ‘I love you.’ ‘I miss you so much I can hardly function.’ ‘Please stop this craziness so we can just be together again the way we’re supposed to be.’ But he couldn’t say those things, so he simply replied: “I won’t.”
“Thank you,” Kurt said. With a soft click, the line went dead. Blaine pulled the phone away from his ear and stared at it. His eyes were open wide and he felt like his heart was about to break in two all over again, but no tears were threatening to fall.
It was really over.
Blaine knew that he hadn’t tried particularly hard to subtly flirt or schmooze or whisper sweet nothings into Kurt’s ear, but to be fair with himself, he hadn’t really had the chance. He knew his boyfriend… his ex-boyfriend, well enough to know when something was okay to do. It definitely hadn’t been the right time. Not at all.
Kurt hadn’t even said that he missed the sound of Blaine’s voice. That wasn’t such a huge thing to say. Hell, Blaine had said it to his mom before, back in that first month of college where everything was new and exciting but also a little scary. What was so hard about saying that? Nothing, that was what. Not if you really love that person. Which Kurt obviously didn’t.
Blaine slumped down onto the mattress and stared at the wall for awhile. It was a simple wall painted a drab off-white. Nothing flashy. Nothing offensive. It was just there, rather like Blaine was at the moment.
He still hadn’t shaved since the break-up, but he had let Brandon show him the episode of How I Met Your Mother that involved Ted’s Break-Up-Beard. Blaine thought it was a pretty excellent idea. Brandon thought he must be part primate in order to be growing a beard so quickly.
Blaine laughed a little at the memory of that and froze mid-chuckle. He hadn’t laughed in a week. Not once. Not even a little. But here he was, laughing. It was strained, but it was real. The ache in his chest was still there and he still missed Kurt more than he could possibly comprehend, but if he was laughing, then that meant he’d be okay. Right?
He did some homework then while he was in a good enough mood to actually do a chord analysis and ate from a bag of Barbecue Baked Lays. It was nearing five and he’d almost finished with the entirety of his homework for the weekend when his phone started to ring. Though he’d expected it to be Santana or maybe Brandon wanting to know if Blaine would be joining him for dinner, a very different number showed up on his phone.
Hummel Tire & Lube
Blaine gulped. It rang four times before he realized that yes, he needed to actually answer the call, that it wouldn’t magically answer itself. He pressed the correct button and lifted the phone to his ear.
“Hello?” he asked, again swallowing hard and noticing how small and tired his voice sounded. Hadn’t he been feeling better just a few minutes ago?
“Blaine,” the familiar voice greeted, “It’s Burt.”
“Yeah, I know,” Blaine said, nodding a little and trying to ignore the lump already lodging itself in his throat.
“Look, I just wanted you to know that I’m really sorry about you and Kurt. I… I really like you, Blaine, and I think that you two were really good together. You were good for each other. But, Kurt’s…” he trailed off then. Blaine idly brushed away the tear that was trailing down his cheek.
“How is Kurt?” Blaine asked, unable to help himself. Sure, he’d just talked to him a moment earlier, but that all too brief conversation had done nothing to display Kurt’s current headspace.
“He’s okay,” Burt said, hesitating a little, “This isn’t easy for him. I thought you should know that.”
Blaine blinked hard and nodded, a shuddering breath sucking its way into his lungs.
“Okay,” was all Blaine could choke out.
“Look, I know that things are different now, but if you ever need anything, you call me. You understand?” Burt asked. Blaine understood completely. He also understood that he wouldn’t be calling Burt Hummel under any circumstances.
“Does Kurt know you’re calling me?” Blaine asked. Burt was silent for a long time.
“No.” Blaine nodded and wiped at his eyes, breaths hitching in his chest as he tried to keep down the sobs. At least until he got off the phone.
“Thanks for calling, Burt,” Blaine managed.
“I’m going to miss you, kid,” Burt said, “You take care.”
“I’m going to miss you, too,” Blaine replied, fully crying now and no longer caring whether or not Burt knew. He’d cried in front of the man before, when they’d left Kurt in his dorm room in New York, so what was the difference now?
Blaine hung up without properly saying goodbye. Something told him that Burt would understand. That feeling of I’m going to be okay that had propelled him through his homework that afternoon was gone. Blaine felt empty again, but so much more so than before.
All this time, he’d been focused on losing Kurt and how that was affecting him and how it would continue to affect the rest of his life. The life he’d thought was already planned. But now, reality was fully sinking in. He wasn’t just losing a partner, he was losing the entire family that he’d become a part of.
Finn, who had become a brother to Blaine. Carole, who would make sure that he always ate a full meal when he was at their house and supported he and Kurt even when his own parents weren’t ready to. And Burt. Burt. The absolute best dad Blaine could imagine existing. The man who had welcomed Blaine into their family with open arms. Who considered Blaine to be like a son even though he’d never really come out and said the words.
Burt, who had stood up to Blaine’s dad when he had screamed at Blaine about Kurt. About their plans for New York. About everything.
Burt, who had called the boy his own son had just broken up with because he liked Blaine enough that he wanted to be sure that he was okay. That Blaine knew that he still cared about him.
All of that was gone now. Kurt and everything that came with him. All of the comfort and the love and the sense of completion one can only feel in a family where they are truly loved and respected. Gone.
Gone.
Next
Pairings: Kurt/Blaine
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 25,667
Spoilers: None.
Warnings: Mild violence.
Summary: One night during the spring of their freshman year of college, Kurt breaks up with Blaine over Skype. He claims that he misses Blaine too much due to their seven hour separation. All he ever does is miss Blaine and it's just too much for him to bear any longer, so he ends the relationship. Blaine has no warning, no inkling, nothing. At first he's in denial, then furious, then depressed. He becomes hopeful that he'll get Kurt back only to backslide again when an unexpected phone call comes his way. Back and forth Blaine bounces between the five stages of grief as he tries to do the hardest thing he's ever had to do: get over Kurt Hummel. His soulmate. The love of his life. The first and only boy to ever truly steal his heart, who had in turn ripped that heart right in two. Can Blaine repair the wounds that Kurt's hurtful actions have left behind? Or will he continue to flounder his way through those stages, never quite making it to a level of acceptance that will actually stick.
A/N: This story was written for the Blaine Big Bang over at beyond-dapper. It was betaed by the wonderful and amazing silverdragon87, alpha read by oddmeants & pavementchaser, and an amazingly perfect fanmix was made for it by brainspasmz.
Prelude: The Loss
Blaine grinned and rubbed his hands together. It was Thursday night. Thursday night meant a Skype date with Kurt.
His roommate had been banished for the next two hours. He had a bottle of lube and his favorite dildo sitting out next to his computer. He was ready to go.
As he glanced at the clock and took a few swigs from a bottle of water, he debated. Should he go ahead and take off all his clothes before they got online? No, he should wait. It might seem presumptuous even though every single one of their Skype sessions inevitably ended with (or mostly consisted of) sex.
It wasn’t ideal. He would have much rather had the chance to touch Kurt in person. To kiss him and taste him and be the one to make him come. But, their lives had taken a slightly different path than they’d anticipated. He’d been accepted into the Carnegie Mellon School of Music, intending to major in Music with a Music Education Certification minor. It was his dream to be a music teacher and being accepted into such a prestigious program was an opportunity that he just hadn’t been able to pass up. Kurt had agreed even though he had followed their original plan and had wound up at New York University studying Vocal Performance.
They were making it work. There hadn’t been many opportunities to visit one another in the eight months they’d been in school, but Skyping a few times a week and making daily phone calls was okay for now. It wasn’t enough and it took a lot of effort, but Kurt was worth it. He was worth every effort.
When the clock said that it was one minute until eight, Blaine hurried over to the computer and logged onto Skype. Kurt was already on. He quickly started a video chat and sighed contentedly as Kurt’s face came into view on his screen.
“Hey babe,” Blaine said.
“Hi,” Kurt said softly. He looked sad. Blaine felt the smile on his face sag into a frown and he leaned forward.
“What’s wrong?” he asked. Kurt looked away and pursed his lips. “Hey, come on. Talk to me.”
“I don’t know what to say,” Kurt admitted, blinking hard a few times and still refusing to look back at Blaine.
“Kurt. Look at me,” Blaine said, his heart thudding. What could possibly be wrong? Was it something with school? Something with Burt? Oh god, what if he’d had another heart attack. “Tell me what’s wrong.”
“I can’t do this anymore,” Kurt said, both hands flying to cover his face as a sob choked its way from his beautiful mouth.
“Can’t do what anymore? School? Are you stressed? I can come visit this weekend. I have a test on Monday but-”
“No. School’s fine. I can’t do this anymore,” Kurt said, pulling away his hands to gesture toward the computer screen and in turn revealing his perfect face now red and streaked with tears.
“The long-distance thing?”
“Yes,” Kurt said, hesitating before agreeing.
“I’ll transfer. I’ll transfer at the end of the school year. I was thinking about it anyway,” Blaine offered, scrambling for the right thing to say. He would have said anything in that moment to make Kurt stop crying when he was too far away to hug him until he stopped.
“No! Damn it, Blaine. You’re not transferring!” Kurt said, his voice harsh and…tired. “It’s a great school and a great opportunity for you. You’re not going to leave because of me.”
“But I’d do anything for you,” Blaine was so confused he could hardly speak the words. “What do you want me to do? Do you want me to visit more often? Call more?”
“I don’t want you to do anything,” Kurt said softly, his voice so faint Blaine could hardly hear him. “Not anymore.” Blaine cocked his head to the side and tried to stop the puzzle pieces in his brain from sliding into place. The picture they were making was too horrible, too incomprehensible.
“What are you saying?”
“I want to break up.”
The breath Blaine had been inhaling caught in his throat, choking him as he sat there and stared wide-eyed at Kurt. His boyfriend. His lover. His soulmate. The boy who had come down the stairs and into his life faster and with more force and passion than anyone else he’d ever met.
“No,” Blaine finally managed to say, shaking his head. “No. We… you can’t… No, Kurt!” He wanted to shake him, but Kurt was just sitting there crying and looking regretful with those gorgeous eyes that Blaine had stared into for so many hours over the past two years.
“I’ve given this a lot of thought and-”
“And you couldn’t have talked to me? This is coming out of nowhere!”
“It isn’t.” Kurt shook his head. “Can you honestly tell me that you’re happy with this relationship right now? Seeing each other once every few months? Skyping? Talking on the phone? It isn’t enough. I can’t do this anymore!”
“Can’t do what? Love me?” Blaine shouted, his anger and shock getting the best of him.
“Miss you. I can’t keep missing you. Every day, all I do is miss you. It’s all I can think about. All day, all I can think about is the next time I’m going to get to talk to you. I don’t do things with friends because I might miss your call. I can’t concentrate on my homework. I’m distant. I’m lonely. I just can’t be like this anymore, Blaine. I can’t do it!”
“You’re breaking up with me because you miss me? How is that going to solve anything?”
“Because I can get over you this way,” Kurt said. Blaine made a noise of quiet protest, slumping back in his chair.
“This isn’t happening,” Blaine said. “You can’t be serious.”
“I am.”
“I thought you loved me,” Blaine said. “We had so many plans. We were going to-”
“We were going to do a lot of things that already haven’t happened.”
“So this is about me changing my mind about going to New York? You were the one who told me to do this. You were the one who convinced me!” Blaine exclaimed.
“This has nothing to do with that!” Kurt barked back at him. “Well, I suppose it does, but I don’t resent you for taking the opportunity. It was the right thing to do. But us continuing to date when we never get to see each other, when we’re not really experiencing college and living our lives because we’re too wrapped up in this long-distance relationship, it isn’t healthy!”
“It’s what you do when you love someone. You make it work. I thought we were making it work, but I guess I was pretty fucking wrong about that,” Blaine snapped.
Kurt visibly flinched when Blaine swore. Covering his face in his hands, Blaine gave a few heaving breaths into his palms. This wasn’t happening. It couldn’t be.
His throat was closing up. His heart was racing. His skin was flushed. His eyes burned. Oh god, he was going to start crying.
“Blaine?” Kurt asked. Blaine didn’t respond, just sobbed into his hands and spun his chair until he was facing away from the computer. Away from Kurt. Away from the boy who was in the process of breaking his heart. “Blaine?”
“Just give me a minute!” Blaine yelled through his tears, scrubbing hard at his cheeks with the sleeve of his hoodie and trying to breathe steadily again. Finally, when he felt that he could, he turned his chair back around and looked at Kurt. “So, this is it? We’re broken up now?”
“This isn’t easy for me either,” Kurt said. “I love you, but-”
“But just not enough to try and make this work. Yeah, I got that.”
“Do not put words in my mouth, Blaine Anderson. I love you and even though this is killing me, I know it’s the right thing to do. For both of us. Maybe you can’t see it now, but you will.”
“No I won’t. I’ll never understand this. I’ll never understand why you’re throwing away a good relationship, one that would have been forever if you hadn’t just shut the door,” Blaine said, trying to fight back against the pressure behind his eyes. “What am I supposed to do now?”
“You’ll move on,” Kurt said, wiping his cheeks. Blaine did the same, but the effort was in vain. Another round of tears was brewing and started to fall before he spoke again.
“That’s not what I mean. What am I supposed to do without you?” Blaine asked softly, his breaths hitching and making him feel seconds away from hyperventilating. “You’re my best friend.”
Kurt made a little strangled noise and pressed a hand hard into his eyes.
“I’m going to log off now,” he said, still not looking at Blaine.
“Kurt, no! Wait!” Blaine cried, grabbing onto the sides of his laptop’s screen and looking pleadingly at Kurt. Kurt dropped his hand and shook his head.
“Goodbye, Blaine,” he said before the window went dark.
“No!” Blaine shouted, gripping harder until he crumpled on top of the laptop, his tears falling onto the keyboard as he sobbed.
Kurt was gone.
Gone.
Denial
“Hello? Is it safe to come in?” Blaine’s roommate, Brandon, asked through the door. Blaine didn’t answer. He couldn’t.
The door opened slowly and Blaine heard Brandon step into the room and lock up behind himself.
“Are you okay? Did you jerk it so hard you died?” Brandon asked, playfully poking Blaine’s shoulder. He was still lying facedown on his laptop. It had died about ten minutes earlier. Without the heat from the battery warming his face, he felt cold. So incredibly cold. “Blaine?”
“Kurt broke up with me,” Blaine mumbled.
Brandon froze for a moment before a flurry of noise sounded off to Blaine’s left. Brandon’s face appeared in front of Blaine’s as he leaned over the desk.
“Oh my god. Are you okay?” Brandon asked, clenching his eyes shut and swearing under his breath. “No, of course you’re not okay. What can I do?”
“Wake me up,” Blaine said, hardly registering the words coming from his mouth.
“You’re not dreaming.”
Blaine groaned and slowly turned his head to the other side, his nose dragging against the keys until his left cheek was settled in.
“Just go away,” Blaine whispered, closing his eyes to the sight of his roommate and his sympathetic eyes.
“No such luck. I live here and I’m not leaving you alone right now. I’ll give you your space, but I’m not going anywhere,” Brandon said. “And if you want to cry, I’ll pretend like I don’t hear, okay?”
Blaine grunted and rolled his eyes behind his closed lids. He liked Brandon and knew that he meant well by staying, but at the moment, all Blaine wanted was to be alone with his thoughts. Ones he could manipulate to convince himself that it was all just a dream. A terrible, terrible dream.
Yes, no matter what his roommate said, Blaine was dreaming. He was. He’d fallen asleep waiting for eight o’clock to come. There was no way that Kurt had broken up with him. The easy, honest relationship he’d only ever dreamed of before meeting Kurt wasn’t over. Kurt hadn’t been plotting to break up with him for awhile with Blaine being none the wiser. No, that definitely had not happened.
So, there was no reason for him to just go on moping. Because it hadn’t happened.
Blaine stood and shuffled the few feet to his bed. He dropped to the mattress, pulled the sheets and comforter over his fully clothed body and went to sleep.
When he awoke the next morning to the sound of his alarm, he glared at the ceiling. How had seven arrived so quickly? It felt like only minutes had passed since he’d climbed into bed, so how could it be time to get up already?
He had a class at eight-music theory with Brandon. There was no way he was getting out of it. But that was okay, because the entire thing had just been a dream. Never mind the fact that Kurt hadn’t called to see why Blaine hadn’t gotten on Skype. Kurt had fallen asleep, too. Yes, that was it. That was definitely it.
Blaine rose, grabbed his shower caddy and headed for the bathroom, the sound of his flip-flops smacking against the soles of his feet the only thing he could hear in the otherwise silent hallway. Most of the guys on his floor were smart enough to not have classes until nine or ten. There was no such privilege for music majors.
The heat of the shower felt good against his skin that still felt cold. Numb. Blaine scrubbed his body harder than usual, leaving streaks of angry red across his arms, chest, and stomach. He spent over a minute working the shampoo into his curly locks, the ones that were a little more grown out now and significantly happier since he’d stopped gelling them back every day. The feeling of his fingertips raking against his scalp was rhythmic and he was using just enough pressure for it to feel like a massage.
It took every ounce of effort he had, but he did a pretty good job of not thinking about anything as he showered. He focused his mental efforts onto what he needed to do next.
Pick up the shampoo.
Shampoo your hair.
Pick up the conditioner.
The conditioner that Kurt bought for you.
And it smells like Kurt because he uses it, too, because it’s good for any hair type.
Stop thinking about Kurt.
Put the conditioner in your hair.
Grab the soap.
Wash your body.
Rinse.
Get to class.
So he’d only thought about Kurt once. That was pretty good. Blaine usually spent the entirety of his showers thinking about Kurt. Usually while wrapping a hand around his dick and jerking off. But he hadn’t done that today!
Even though the horror of the night before had clearly been a dream, he still felt strange. Odd. Empty. A really powerful dream can do that to you, though. Make you think that what happened in the dream was reality.
Blaine could call Kurt just to hear the sound of his voice to soothe himself back into a better headspace, but Kurt didn’t have class until ten on Fridays. After dating Kurt for almost two years, Blaine knew better than to wake him up before his alarm. He’d learned that the hard way the summer before their senior year when Finn had let him in and he’d climbed in bed with Kurt only to earn a shriek and a punch to the chest. Why Kurt startled awake with the reflexes of a soldier sleeping over enemy lines, Blaine had no idea, but the punch had hurt like hell. Needless to say, he hadn’t done that again. Not even over the phone, because the shriek had been pretty bad too.
He got dressed in a warm burgundy sweater (that Kurt had picked out) and some dark wash straight leg jeans (that Kurt had picked out) and put on just a little cologne (that Kurt had bought him for Christmas). While Brandon stumbled around the room, gathering clothes before heading into the bathroom, Blaine ate a granola bar and looked in amusement at his roommate who he was pretty sure was sleepwalking at the moment. Once Blaine was ready for the morning and had checked to be sure that his homework was done and in his messenger bag, he headed for his desk to check his email.
Before he even had a chance to sit down, he froze. The dildo and lube were still sitting out on his desk. Beyond mortified, Blaine snagged the thankfully subtle black dildo and bottle of KY and shoved them in his bottom desk drawer where he kept them stashed most of the time. Had Brandon seen them?
Of course he had. So why hadn’t he said anything? Why hadn’t he teased Blaine about it the way he had the one other time Blaine had been stupid enough to leave it out? Brandon never passed up an opportunity to give Blaine a hard time.
The reason behind Brandon’s silence unfurled slowly in Blaine’s brain the way that hard-to-swallow realizations usually do. It burned and hurt and made Blaine break out in chills so severe he outwardly shuddered from the cold. His heart thudded in his throat and his eyes glassed over.
Brandon hadn’t teased Blaine about the dildo because he was giving Blaine his space. Because Kurt had broken up with him the night before. Because it wasn’t a dream.
It was real.
Blaine sat down in his desk chair. Well, he more collapsed into it, sending the thing flying a few inches to his left as he plopped down. He plugged in his computer, blinking back tears, and waited for it to come alive again. Because it had died the night before. After Kurt had broken up with him.
As soon as the thing was up and running again, Blaine checked his e-mail. Just a few spam messages, one Facebook notification from Santana and a forwarded e-mail from Jeff about penis enlargement pills. Then, he signed onto Facebook.
The first item on his Top News feed made his stomach drop before twisting and making him feel suddenly desperate to vomit.
Kurt Hummel went from being ‘in a relationship’ to ‘single’.
It had 20 comments. No likes.
Blaine couldn’t bring himself to read them. Not a single one.
Those were the ten most awful words he’d ever read: Kurt Hummel went from being ‘in a relationship’ to ‘single’.
Blaine clicked on Kurt’s name and was immediately taken to his profile. He couldn’t hit the Unfriend link fast enough.
Anger
The majority of Kurt’s profile vanished from sight. He had it locked down pretty tight privacy-wise so only people he was friends with could see his information. All of his pictures were gone. His wall was gone. All that was left was his picture, a headshot he’d gotten done when he had moved to the city that fall. Up until a few minutes ago, Blaine had loved that picture.
There was just a hint of a smile curling at the corners of Kurt’s full lips and his eyes were positively sparkling. Back then, Kurt had been exhilarated to be in the city. He’d called Blaine from every new place he went, practically breathless with excitement and pure, unfiltered joy. Blaine had been so happy for him, knowing that the second he graduated, he would be moving to the city to join Kurt so they could start their life together.
Boy, he’d sure been wrong about that. Really fucking wrong.
He went back to his own profile, ignoring the post he now saw was from Santana, and started going through his pictures.
He and Kurt at junior prom. Delete.
Kurt waving as he left the gate, boarding the plane that would take him to Nationals. Delete.
He and Kurt at a pool party at Rachel’s house. Delete.
Kurt dressed in his old Cheerios uniform for Halloween. Delete.
He and Kurt at Sectionals senior year. Delete.
He and Kurt kissing. DELETEDELETEDELETE.
Every single picture he had of himself and Kurt, he was going to delete. It was a decision that came easily. He didn’t want those pictures anymore. Didn’t want any reminders of what he’d had less than a day ago. What was supposed to be forever. Gone.
His finger stabbed repeatedly at the button on his laptop causing an arrhythmic snap that filled the room along with his own heaving breaths.
“What are you doing?” Brandon asked. How long had he been back from the bathroom? Blaine hadn’t noticed him reenter the room. “We need to get to class.”
“I’m not going to class,” Blaine said. Delete. Delete. Delete.
“Yes, you are.” Delete.
“No, I’m not,” Blaine gritted. Delete.
“Seriously, what are you doing?” Brandon asked again, his voice closer now.
“Deleting pictures,” Blaine said simply. Brandon grabbed his arms and tried to pull them away from the laptop.
“Don’t do that! You’ll regret it later,” Brandon told him. Blaine jerked against Brandon’s hold until he finally let go. He turned and glared at his roommate who visibly stiffened from the look.
“Fuck later. All that matters is now, and right now, I can’t have these around.”
“You’re going to be really mad at yourself for this,” Brandon said, “I’m going to class. You should really come, too.”
Blaine ignored him and just got back to it. Delete. Delete.
He and Kurt at graduation. Delete.
Kurt sitting on Blaine’s bed in the very dorm room where Blaine was now sitting. Delete.
He and Kurt on top of the Empire State Building after they moved Kurt into his dorm room. Delete.
Before Blaine had started deleting away his entire relationship with Kurt, he’d had 584 pictures loaded onto his Facebook. After, he only had 50. Instead of this making Blaine sad, it made him furious. Was that really what his life had been for the last two years? All Kurt and hardly anything else?
Kurt, who was willing to throw him away so easily just because things were hard at the moment. Kurt, who had promised him forever and then just ripped it from Blaine’s grasp without even having a conversation with him about it. Kurt, his first love. Kurt, who was supposed to be his only love.
Blaine had lost himself in that beautiful boy with his angelic voice and strong, lean body, his handsome face and his lightning fast wit. That was why he felt so empty. He’d given so much of himself to Kurt, and Kurt hadn’t even cared.
Sure, he said that he loved him, but how could he? How could he love Blaine and treat him this way? Toss him out in the cold without so much as a warning? No, Kurt didn’t love him. Maybe he never had. Maybe the crush Kurt had once had on Blaine was all it had ever really been. Maybe he’d been unhappy for a long time while Blaine was just following him like a lost puppy who had finally found an owner who treated him right.
Blaine looked at the clock. Two hours had passed. It had taken him two hours to delete Kurt from his Facebook and there was one more thing to do. He had to change his own relationship status. It still said In a Relationship, though now the other participant in said relationship was notably missing. Because Kurt had already removed it.
When had he done it? Kurt was never up earlier than he had to be. Had he changed it the second after he disconnected from Skype? Couldn’t wait to be rid of Blaine in every way possible?
Blaine could have checked. The timestamp would have told him exactly when Kurt had made the big change. But, he’d already unfriended Kurt, so now he was stuck. Blaine sighed and dropped back in his chair, looking around the room until his gaze settled in on Brandon’s desk. His laptop was open.
Brandon was friends with Kurt on Facebook. Perfect.
Thankfully, Brandon never signed out of anything. His email was always sitting open, as was a tab for Twitter and, thankfully, Facebook. Blaine took a deep breath and clicked on the tab with the little white f encased in a blue square. It took only seconds for Blaine to bring up Kurt’s profile. He immediately clicked the link to expand the comments on the top post.
Kurt Hummel went from being ‘in a relationship’ to ‘single’.
8 hours ago
Finn Hudson
What????
8 hours ago
Rachel Berry
Finn just called me. While I don’t appreciate being woken up in the middle of the night, I am very sorry to hear that you and Blaine broke up.
7 hours ago
Mercedes Jones
I know I’ve already said it a hundred times tonight, but I love you and will do whatever you need me to. I’ll come visit this weekend. I have some money saved up and can get a plane ticket.
6 hours ago
Santana Lopez
Please tell me you’re joking.
6 hours ago
Brittany S. Pierce
:( :( :( <3
6 hours ago
Kurt Hummel
Finn, I’ll call you in the morning. Rachel, thank you. Mercedes, I don’t know what I’d do without you. Santana, why would I joke about something like this? Brittany, <3
6 hours ago
Finn Hudson
No. Call me now.
6 hours ago
Kurt Hummel
It’s four in the morning. Go to sleep, Finn. What are you doing up anyway?
6 hours ago
Finn Hudson
I was up studying and then I saw this.
6 hours ago
Quinn Fabray
I’m sorry, Kurt. :(
4 hours ago
Lauren Zizes
Do I need to drive to Pittsburgh to kick his ass?
3 hours ago
Tina Cohen-Chang
Oh my god, Kurt. I’m so sorry! Is there anything I can do?
3 hours ago
Mike Chang
:( I really thought you guys were going to make it.
2 hours ago
Artie Abrams
Sorry Kurt. :(
1 hour ago
Kurt Hummel
Quinn, thank you. Lauren, no ass-kicking will be needed, but I appreciate the offer. Tina, thank you but no. I just need some time. Mike, thank you. Me, too. Artie, thank you.
1 hour ago
Carole Hummel
Oh honey, if there’s anything you need, just let us know! We love you!
45 minutes ago
Finn Hudson
Call me if you need me today, even if I’m in class. (Especially if I’m in class.)
30 minutes ago
Kurt Hummel
Thanks, Carole. I’m going to call Dad later. Finn, I’ll call you tonight. You need to pay attention in class. I’m not tutoring you over the phone again.
30 minutes ago
Mercedes Jones
Seriously. Whatever you need, I’m here for you.
10 minutes ago
Noah ‘Puck’ Puckerman
Dude, are you serious? I thought you guys were going to get married and adopt a kid from Guatemala and shit.
5 minutes ago
Twenty messages. Every single person in Glee had sent Kurt a message. And they were all so sympathetic. Poor Kurt. What a crock of shit. They had no idea what had really taken place. That Kurt had been the dumper not the dumpee. That Blaine should be the one getting the sympathy messages. That Kurt was the one who had given up.
Blaine remembered the message he’d gotten from Santana and went back to his profile to finally see what it said.
Santana Lopez
Please tell me that you and Kurt didn’t really break up. The thought of it makes me want to barf and you know how I feel about ~emotions. Call me, okay? I’m here if you need me
. 6 hours ago
Tina Cohen-Chang, Quinn Fabray and 7 others like this
Blaine made his way back over to his own desk and started to write a new status. It took him a good ten minutes and countless tries until he got it just right.
Kurt broke up with me. I had no idea he was unhappy. He didn’t talk to me about it. He broke my heart.
Last night, Kurt broke up with me. I had no idea he was unhappy. He didn’t talk to me about it. He broke my heart.
Last night, Kurt ended our almost two year relationship. I had no idea he was unhappy. He didn’t talk to me about it. He broke my heart.
Last night, Kurt ended our almost two year relationship. He broke my heart. I feel empty.
Last night, Kurt ended our almost two year relationship. I feel empty. I don’t know what to do.
Last night, Kurt ended our almost two year relationship. I don’t know what to do. I feel empty
Finally satisfied that everyone would understand what had really happened, Blaine hit return and the message was officially posted. The anger that had been raging through his body for the last several hours was gone. He felt boneless. Heavy and hollow. He felt like a shell of the Blaine who had existed not even a day earlier.
He shut his laptop, grabbed his cell, and headed back to bed where he crawled beneath the covers, put a pillow over his head, and cried.
Depression
An entire week had passed since Kurt had shattered Blaine’s heart into a million tiny, irreparable pieces. In that time, Blaine had gone to class a total of three times, eaten two actual meals (the rest was just nibbles taken off of whatever Brandon left next to his pillow), taken three showers (that had all consisted of staring blankly at the wall and doing very little actual bathing), and had slept for approximately 140 hours.
"How long are you going to mope like this?” Brandon asked, sitting down on the edge of Blaine’s bed and yanking the covers off his face.
“Until being awake doesn’t make me feel like I’m going to die,” Blaine said, attempting to regain control of his own bedding, but Brandon wasn’t relinquishing his grip.
“You’re making a real ass out of yourself.”
“I don’t care,” Blaine said.
“Yes, you do. You missed a test today, Blaine. That’s a big deal. Our teachers aren’t going to let you miss any more classes without a doctor’s note.”
“Would a psychiatrist note count?” Blaine asked.
“Just get your ass out of bed and for the love of god, call Santana back. Your phone has been buzzing with voicemail notifications all week and it’s driving me insane,” Brandon told him before throwing the covers back over his face.
Blaine sighed and stared up at the blanket. It was safe under there. Whenever he emerged from his down comforter cocoon, something would remind him of Kurt. But then again, everything reminded him of Kurt.
Take the bed he was laying in for example. It definitely reminded him of Kurt. Of moaning into each other’s skin, of feeling Kurt on top of him as they rocked together, of feeling Kurt’s perfectly smooth skin pressed against his.
Maybe the bed wasn’t so safe after all.
Blaine pushed off the covers and sat up, dizziness swirling through his head at the sudden move to vertical orientation. He looked around the room. At the desk lamp Kurt had picked out for him. At the microwave where Kurt had heated up water to make them tea just a few months earlier when he’d come for a visit in the middle of a snow storm.
“We’re going out to dinner,” Brandon said. Blaine opened his mouth to protest but Brandon cut him off. “I’m not asking. I’m telling. We’re going out to dinner. So go wash your rank self off and maybe consider shaving? You look like Paul Bunyan. Unless you were going for the Ted Mosby Break-Up-Beard look.”
“The what?” Blaine asked.
“Never mind,” Brandon shook his head. “Just go shower.”
Blaine did as told, spending a good forty minutes beneath the hot spray as his muscles ached and whined from being used again all of a sudden. Lying down was so much easier. Standing up hurt and it was hard and the flip-flops he was wearing were red and Kurt loved red and why was he awake again?
Blaine shuffled back to his dorm, changed into a long-sleeved Buckeyes t-shirt, Carnegie Mellon hoodie, and a comfortable pair of jeans which were hanging off of his hips and suddenly requiring a belt for some reason. On his feet, he shoved on some sneakers with no socks. A voice in his head that sounded disturbingly like Kurt’s started yelling at him for that, so he silenced it by speaking.
“Where are we going?” Blaine asked, working a little gel through his hair so it wouldn’t puff up and frighten small children.
“Somewhere off campus. It’s up to you, you’re buying,” Brandon said.
“I am?”
“Do you have any idea how much money I’ve spent on food that you didn’t even eat this week? Yes, you’re paying.” Brandon sighed and raked a hand through his shaggy blond hair. “Look, Blaine, I’m sorry. I just don’t know what to do for you and I’m trying to help and nothing’s working. Let’s just get out of here for a while, okay?”
Blaine cast a longing look at his bed and followed Brandon out the door. They decided to just go to Subway. Blaine ordered a footlong and ate a fourth of it while Brandon devoured his own. They didn’t talk while they ate and hadn’t really talked on the way there either. The silence was starting to get to Blaine, making him even more uncomfortable than he already was. It wasn’t because he usually found silences awkward, it was more that he knew Brandon had some kind of motive regarding this dinner out and he wished that they could just get to the point already.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Brandon finally asked as he wadded up his sandwich wrappings.
“Talk about what?” Blaine asked picking up a stray piece of spinach that his sandwich had dropped. Kurt loved spinach.
“About the break-up.”
“No,” Blaine said quickly. And he didn’t. But he did. But mostly he didn’t.
“Well, I think you should but I won’t try to force you to. I know it won’t get me anywhere, but I hate seeing you like this and you have to start going to class again. Right now it’s not too late to make things up, but if you keep skipping, they could very easily kick you out of the program.”
Blaine nodded. He knew that Brandon was right, but that didn’t make him want to go to class. Every muscle in his body ached, he was exhausted despite having slept so much over the past week, and every single thing he thought of reminded him of Kurt. Of what was missing.
It had been an entire week since he’d heard Kurt’s voice. Since the first day they’d met, they had never gone this long without speaking. To be honest, they’d never gone longer than a day.
Blaine rewrapped his sandwich and they made their way back to the car. Brandon drove and Blaine stared out the window, unable to think about anything but the lump in his throat that just would not go away. When they got back to their dorm, Blaine chugged a bottle of water, climbed back into bed, and picked up his phone.
48 missed calls
35 text messages
12 voicemails
Blaine groaned and quickly scrolled through everything. The missed calls were almost all from Santana, though a few random ones from his mother or Brandon. The texts were exclusively from Santana ranging from uncharacteristically sweet (I hope you’re doing okay. I’m thinking about you.) to typical Santana (I swear to god, Blaine Warbler, if you ignore one more of my messages you’re going to find out whether or not I really hide razorblades in my hair!!!!!). He pressed her number on his speed dial and pulled the comforter over his head.
“Well it’s about time,” was her greeting.
“Hey San,” he said softly. He heard her let out a long breath through the phone.
“How are you?”
“I don’t really know,” Blaine admitted, “Sometimes it hurts but most of the time I just feel…nothing.”
“Some people pay a lot of money to feel nothing,” she joked. He didn’t have it in him to laugh for her sake.
“I just don’t know what to do. Everything reminds me of him. I just hurt all the time thinking about him. He said that he couldn’t keep missing me all the time, but how is this helping? I miss him more now that ever.”
“Hummel’s an idiot and I mean that sincerely. Anyone who is stupid enough to let you go deserves that title.”
“He’s not an idiot,” Blaine sighed, “He’s wonderful.”
“He dumped you, Blaine. Get out there and find some hot piece of ass who deserves you and understands what a good thing he has when he gets you,” she said. Blaine could feel bile rising in his throat and he swallowed hard.
“Don’t say things like that to me. I can’t even think about dating anyone but Kurt.”
“You will someday,” she said, “I know because I went through it with Britt. It took awhile before I could be around her, but eventually I did and we’re back to being best friends again.”
“I don’t know I’m supposed to get over him.”
“You’re getting over him by just existing. It’s going to take time, but it’ll happen.”
“It won’t,” Blaine groaned.
“It will. I promise. Someday you’ll look back and wonder how you could have ever been pathetic to spend so much time bitching and moaning over Kurt Hummel.”
“I thought we were going to be together forever,” Blaine whispered.
“Well,” Santana sighed, “Things don’t always happen the way they should. I know that it’s going to take awhile for you to get back to normal, but will you at least promise that you’ll get your ass out of that dinky bed and go to class and stuff? If I e-mail that roommate of yours and find out that you’re not, I’ll drive all the way from Chicago just to kick your ass.”
“Thanks,” Blaine said.
“For what?”
“For being you.”
“You’re going to make me throw up,” Santana said, but Blaine could tell that she was smiling, “I’m calling you again tomorrow at eight to make sure you’re up for your first class. Got it?”
“Yes ma’am,” Blaine said. With that, the line went dead.
Santana was right. If he continued on like this, he would eventually get over Kurt. The pain would lessen. He would start to forget what Kurt smelled like, tasted like, sounded like. With time, he would forget Kurt and all the little reasons why he’d always loved him. It was what happened.
But Blaine didn’t want that to happen. He didn’t want to forget the way Kurt’s cheeks would flush when they kissed or the way he would bite down on his bottom lip when he was chopping something in the kitchen or the way it would take him an hour pick out his own outfit but only seconds to choose Blaine’s for him.
He loved everything about Kurt. Well, except for what he’d done that terrible night. That he didn’t love. That, he hated.
So if lying in bed and skipping class wasn’t really accomplishing anything, then what could he do? What would fix this?
He could get Kurt back. Yes, that would solve everything. He wouldn’t have to get over Kurt. He wouldn’t have to forget everything that he loved so much about Kurt. Blaine wouldn’t have to do any of that because they’d be together again, the madness of the past week just gone.
For the first time in a week, Blaine didn’t feel like he was moments away from death. He felt alive again. Still half empty, but alive.
Bargaining
Blaine spent the rest of the evening staring at the ceiling and devising a plan. He had to be very careful in how he went about this. There was no way that he could just beg Kurt to take him back. No. That definitely wouldn’t work. Kurt was too proud and too strong to give in so easily. He never came by a decision lightly and had likely poured for hours over his decision to break-up with Blaine. The thought of that made Blaine want to simultaneously sob and vomit, but he forced away the urge to do both and got back to the task at hand.
What he had to do was slowly reintroduce himself into Kurt’s life. Sneak his way in. Make Kurt remember how much he loved him.
Maybe that was what had happened, after all. Maybe their separation had made Kurt start to forget all of the little things he loved about Blaine. That was an entirely feasible possibility, one that Blaine immediately chose to acknowledge as truth.
Yes, he would be fine if he could just get a little contact with Kurt. All he needed was a little time. Blaine would do anything to get that time. And so, he prayed.
Blaine had been raised going to church. Every Sunday morning, he and his parents had gotten all dressed up and gone to All Saints Lutheran Church for the ten o’clock service. When Blaine was in junior high, he had started forming his own opinions about things, many of which didn’t align with the religious upbringing he’d been receiving, and by high school he hardly attended at all. His relationship with God had gotten a little lazy and confused, but he hadn’t felt bad about it until this moment.
He needed a little divine intervention in order to get Kurt to just listen to him for a few minutes. There was a very good possibility that Kurt wouldn’t accept a call from Blaine at the moment, hence the need for the praying. With clasped hands and eyes squeezed tightly shut, Blaine whispered to the ceiling.
“I know it’s probably really inappropriate of me to ask anything of you when we haven’t spoken in so long, but I really need your help. I know that I’m only eighteen, but I’ve met the love of my life. He’s amazing. He’s perfect for me. We complement each other in every way that’s important and are different in ways that keep things interesting and that have helped each other grow. We were together for almost two years. Two happy years, but last week he broke up with me. I need to remind him of why we’re good together. I’m afraid that he’s just forgotten because we’ve been separated by such a big distance for so long. If you could help me out so that when I call he doesn’t just hang up on me or screen my call, I would really appreciate it. I’ll do anything to get him back.”
Satisfied that he’d effectively stated his case, Blaine snuggled under the covers and drifted off to sleep.
The next morning, he rose with his alarm and actually got out of bed and showered, much to Brandon’s amazement. Blaine knew that his roommate was assuming that the change in behavior was due to their dinner out the night before, and there was no harm in letting him think that. It was true to an extent. If Brandon hadn’t gotten Blaine out of bed, he never would have checked his messages and talked to Santana. She was a big part of the reason why Blaine wasn’t planning to spend another day under the covers.
Blaine attended his classes. Thankfully on Friday all he had was an eight o’clock Music Theory class, an eleven o’clock voice lesson, and a one o’clock Music History class. By three, Blaine was seated alone in his room, phone in hand.
It took him several failed attempts before he finally mustered up the courage to press Kurt’s number on speed dial. It rang three times before he picked up.
“Blaine…” Kurt said. He sounded like he was starting a sentence that Blaine wouldn’t be thrilled with, but he didn’t finish. He simply waited. Blaine could hear him breathing a little heavy. It made him press the phone harder against his ear so he could catch any little noise that Kurt might make on the other end.
“I know I shouldn’t be calling you,” Blaine said, his heart warming and thudding hard at the mere sound of Kurt speaking one word.
“No, you probably shouldn’t,” Kurt sighed, “What do you need?”
“I just needed to hear your voice,” Blaine admitted. It was true but it was also bait. Now he just had to hope that Kurt would take it. Kurt sighed again, but it was tough to decipher over the phone. Whenever Kurt would sigh around him in person, Blaine could immediately tell which it was: the irritated sigh, the ‘you’re an idiot’ sigh, the bored sigh, the ‘I’m miserable’ sigh, and so on. But now, all he could tell was that Kurt was sighing and that was that.
“Please don’t call me anymore,” Kurt said softly, “I can’t get over you if you call me.”
“I…” Blaine started. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. Kurt was supposed to tell him that he missed him, too. That he needed to hear Blaine’s voice, too. Panic bubbled up in Blaine’s chest, choking him and making the words increasingly difficult to get out. He wanted to say so many things. ‘I love you.’ ‘I miss you so much I can hardly function.’ ‘Please stop this craziness so we can just be together again the way we’re supposed to be.’ But he couldn’t say those things, so he simply replied: “I won’t.”
“Thank you,” Kurt said. With a soft click, the line went dead. Blaine pulled the phone away from his ear and stared at it. His eyes were open wide and he felt like his heart was about to break in two all over again, but no tears were threatening to fall.
It was really over.
Blaine knew that he hadn’t tried particularly hard to subtly flirt or schmooze or whisper sweet nothings into Kurt’s ear, but to be fair with himself, he hadn’t really had the chance. He knew his boyfriend… his ex-boyfriend, well enough to know when something was okay to do. It definitely hadn’t been the right time. Not at all.
Kurt hadn’t even said that he missed the sound of Blaine’s voice. That wasn’t such a huge thing to say. Hell, Blaine had said it to his mom before, back in that first month of college where everything was new and exciting but also a little scary. What was so hard about saying that? Nothing, that was what. Not if you really love that person. Which Kurt obviously didn’t.
Blaine slumped down onto the mattress and stared at the wall for awhile. It was a simple wall painted a drab off-white. Nothing flashy. Nothing offensive. It was just there, rather like Blaine was at the moment.
He still hadn’t shaved since the break-up, but he had let Brandon show him the episode of How I Met Your Mother that involved Ted’s Break-Up-Beard. Blaine thought it was a pretty excellent idea. Brandon thought he must be part primate in order to be growing a beard so quickly.
Blaine laughed a little at the memory of that and froze mid-chuckle. He hadn’t laughed in a week. Not once. Not even a little. But here he was, laughing. It was strained, but it was real. The ache in his chest was still there and he still missed Kurt more than he could possibly comprehend, but if he was laughing, then that meant he’d be okay. Right?
He did some homework then while he was in a good enough mood to actually do a chord analysis and ate from a bag of Barbecue Baked Lays. It was nearing five and he’d almost finished with the entirety of his homework for the weekend when his phone started to ring. Though he’d expected it to be Santana or maybe Brandon wanting to know if Blaine would be joining him for dinner, a very different number showed up on his phone.
Hummel Tire & Lube
Blaine gulped. It rang four times before he realized that yes, he needed to actually answer the call, that it wouldn’t magically answer itself. He pressed the correct button and lifted the phone to his ear.
“Hello?” he asked, again swallowing hard and noticing how small and tired his voice sounded. Hadn’t he been feeling better just a few minutes ago?
“Blaine,” the familiar voice greeted, “It’s Burt.”
“Yeah, I know,” Blaine said, nodding a little and trying to ignore the lump already lodging itself in his throat.
“Look, I just wanted you to know that I’m really sorry about you and Kurt. I… I really like you, Blaine, and I think that you two were really good together. You were good for each other. But, Kurt’s…” he trailed off then. Blaine idly brushed away the tear that was trailing down his cheek.
“How is Kurt?” Blaine asked, unable to help himself. Sure, he’d just talked to him a moment earlier, but that all too brief conversation had done nothing to display Kurt’s current headspace.
“He’s okay,” Burt said, hesitating a little, “This isn’t easy for him. I thought you should know that.”
Blaine blinked hard and nodded, a shuddering breath sucking its way into his lungs.
“Okay,” was all Blaine could choke out.
“Look, I know that things are different now, but if you ever need anything, you call me. You understand?” Burt asked. Blaine understood completely. He also understood that he wouldn’t be calling Burt Hummel under any circumstances.
“Does Kurt know you’re calling me?” Blaine asked. Burt was silent for a long time.
“No.” Blaine nodded and wiped at his eyes, breaths hitching in his chest as he tried to keep down the sobs. At least until he got off the phone.
“Thanks for calling, Burt,” Blaine managed.
“I’m going to miss you, kid,” Burt said, “You take care.”
“I’m going to miss you, too,” Blaine replied, fully crying now and no longer caring whether or not Burt knew. He’d cried in front of the man before, when they’d left Kurt in his dorm room in New York, so what was the difference now?
Blaine hung up without properly saying goodbye. Something told him that Burt would understand. That feeling of I’m going to be okay that had propelled him through his homework that afternoon was gone. Blaine felt empty again, but so much more so than before.
All this time, he’d been focused on losing Kurt and how that was affecting him and how it would continue to affect the rest of his life. The life he’d thought was already planned. But now, reality was fully sinking in. He wasn’t just losing a partner, he was losing the entire family that he’d become a part of.
Finn, who had become a brother to Blaine. Carole, who would make sure that he always ate a full meal when he was at their house and supported he and Kurt even when his own parents weren’t ready to. And Burt. Burt. The absolute best dad Blaine could imagine existing. The man who had welcomed Blaine into their family with open arms. Who considered Blaine to be like a son even though he’d never really come out and said the words.
Burt, who had stood up to Blaine’s dad when he had screamed at Blaine about Kurt. About their plans for New York. About everything.
Burt, who had called the boy his own son had just broken up with because he liked Blaine enough that he wanted to be sure that he was okay. That Blaine knew that he still cared about him.
All of that was gone now. Kurt and everything that came with him. All of the comfort and the love and the sense of completion one can only feel in a family where they are truly loved and respected. Gone.
Gone.
Next