Thy Kingdom Come- Chapter 17-18
Felix had double, triple, and quadruple checked, and the frequency Kara had been rambling about had indeed been the only one on the channel. Based on the coordinates it was feeding them, Felix had plotted a course to the location where Earth supposedly lie. It’d only take them a day.
As the resident astrology expert on board, Felix would be the one to make the determination on whether or not the planet they found, presuming they found a planet where they were going, was Earth. Felix felt honored. Sure he was the only one fully qualified for it, but it still felt special to be the first person in the universe to know if they had found Earth.
The final jump was completed and there was no mistaking, based on the DRADIS readings, that they had found a planet. Felix set right to work checking the star patterns. “Take your time. Get it right,” said the Admiral. The ship didn’t have a complete 360 degree view, but when the scan showed nine out of the twelve constellations in the range they had, Felix knew this had to be what they were looking for.
Felix turned around, watching the entire CIC with their eyes on him. Then a grin slowly spread across his face. “Visible constellations are a match.”
The Admiral picked up the ship-wide intercom. "Crew of Galactica. People of the fleet. This is Admiral Adama. Three years ago I promised to lead you to a new home. We've endured a difficult journey, we've all lost, we've all suffered, and the truth is I questioned whether this day would ever come. But today our journey is at an end. We have arrived, at Earth."
Cheers erupted in the CIC. People starting throwing their hands in the air, hugging and kissing each other. Louis came over to hug Felix. “We did it, baby,” he whispered. Felix at first resisted the urge to kiss him, then decided to give in. Lee had already jumped onto the center console and was performing a striptease; no one was going to give a damn.
After Louis, Felix squeezed his way across the floor between the celebrating crowd to go give Dee a hug. He picked her off the ground and twirled her, just for the hell of it. She shrieked and started laughing. “We made it!” she cried.
Elation was the word of the hour. Even Captain Kelly, who had returned to the CIC that day with a slight gimp in his walk, shook Felix’s hand. “Let’s go see our new home!” the Admiral called out, which elicited another large cheer.
The CIC then emptied out, both with the large constituency headed for Earth, and those who were off to cavort in the hallways. Felix stayed behind.
“Not going down to see Earth?” Louis asked.
“Nah. I’ve had enough excitement lately,” Felix replied. “Besides, someone’s got to keep you company while you’re stuck here in charge.”
Louis laughed. “In charge of what exactly? I don’t intend to discipline anyone.”
“Just making sure the ship doesn’t blow up, I think,” replied Felix.
“Well. I don’t want to get my hopes up too high until we hear back from the Admiral, so I’d rather not discuss what Earth might be like. Want to play I Spy?” asked Louis.
“What are you, six?” Felix asked, lightly smacking him on the arm. “I spy something…electronic.”
“Oh that is so not fair.”
When the Admiral called back roughly an hour later with only the words, “Mr. Hoshi, prepare the landing bay,” Felix knew it couldn’t have been good. Either the inhabitants were hostile, or the planet was unlivable. Felix hoped for the former, because at least that could be overcome, but he had a sinking feeling it was probably the latter.
Louis and Felix didn’t go down to the deck to meet the incoming raptor, but when the crew started returning to the CIC looking very sullen, Felix’s suspicions were confirmed. One of the crew stated that the raptor’s pilot had told her the planet was nothing but a nuclear wasteland. “We might as well have stayed at home,” she muttered before trodding off.
Felix’s only thought was ‘Now what?’
Felix left CIC and headed towards the navigational room, off to see if he could find some star charts to study for any star cluster than might look like it could hold a habitable planet. Before he made it there, however, he happened to bump into Caprica.
“Hey,” he said, amazed to see her wandering around. “You’re out of prison?”
“Yes,” she replied. “They figured since cylons and humans were working together, it would be hypocritical to keep me there.” She didn’t appear to be happy about it, like she should have been. Since there weren’t any conditions to her release, unamenable or otherwise, there was only one explanation.
“You went down to Earth?” Felix asked, realizing he was traipsing a sensitive area.
“Yes. It’s not habitable. I’m sorry.” With that, Caprica walked off, her gloominess following her. Where she would be headed, Felix didn’t know. Perhaps, if Louis had been right about Baltar’s cult, she was going to make herself at home there. He couldn’t see her accepting an invitation happily, but living with an ex had to be at least marginally better than a prison cell.
Felix decided to abandon his idea of studying star charts. Even if he found something, no one was going to want to talk about work right now. Felix turned around and headed back to the CIC.
“Why did the Seven have his shirt on backwards?” Felix asked. The mood in the CIC, across the whole fleet really, was so depressing, Felix couldn’t bear it. The dour mood was contagious, and it would just turn into a vortex of energy loss unless some of them kept their heads above the water. Felix and Louis had taken to telling each other jokes. Denial probably wasn’t the best way to deal with it, but it worked for now.
“I don’t know,” said Louis.
“Because he liked being odd,” ended Felix with a cheesy grin.
“Ugh, that was worse than your last one. I think I’m excusing you from duty, just so I don’t have to hear any more.” Felix frowned. Louis was going to go crazy if he stayed here by himself. “Seriously, Felix. Get some sleep. And don’t worry about me, I’ll have someone bring me a book. Hopefully things will be better in the morning.” Felix doubted it, but maybe a few people would feel like working to get their minds off it all.
“See you tomorrow.”
When Felix arrived outside officer’s racks, he noticed someone humming. How anyone was able to be truly happy at this moment was beyond his comprehension. Felix entered the hatch that led to Louis’ rack and saw Dee standing there. She was humming, and brushing her hair. And wearing a dress. Not just a dress, but her black dress. Dee only used the black dress on extra special occasions. She’d avoided her white dress ever since Billy was killed, so the black one had been the one she’d worn on the day she married Lee. Something didn’t sit right with Felix.
“What?” asked Dee. She had apparently spotted him in her mirror.
“You’re glowing,” replied Felix. She was. Glowing with pure, unadulterated happiness. Which shouldn’t have been possible, given that she just seen Earth that morning.
“Am I?” she asked, taunting him.
“Ugh, all I can think of is that waste of a planet.” It wasn’t entirely true, given that he’d just been telling awful toaster jokes in the CIC, but he wanted to bring Dee off her cloud a little. She was floating too high for his liking.
“Felix, please. I just want to hang on to this feeling for as long as I can.” That explained it. If what Dee needed to rebound from a depressingly low low was to simply think about good things for a while, Felix wasn’t going to get in her way. Everyone coped with loss differently, some people worked better with denial rather than wallowing in grief. It was the same strategy Felix had been employing a short time earlier. It had only been a few hours since she’d come back from Earth anyway; it was too soon to push her too much. Felix decided to back off and let her deal with Earth on her own terms.
Felix came up behind her, and, noticing the pictures from her childhood she had hanging in locker, said, “Hey, look at that. Little Anna’s got her smile back.”
Dee’s gaze moved from the mirror to the picture. “Sometimes I don’t even remember that’s me. So long ago. She has no frakking idea what’s ahead of her.”
Felix didn’t miss the double meaning of that statement. Dee was still that little girl, living in the moment with a future that could go just about anywhere. It wasn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes an unexpected future could bring about very pleasant surprises. Felix had learned that firsthand. “Yeah. None of us do,” he said hopefully. Maybe he’d work on those star charts after all.
“Have a good night, Dee,” he wished her before heading off to the navigation room.
Felix shut the hatch door behind him and turned to go down the hall. A few deck hands were hanging around shooting the breeze, not looking too terribly down. “Hey guys, Brooks, Seelix,” he greeted them.
“Hey,” they all said, and went back to their conversation. Felix only made it a couple steps further before he heard the familiar sound of a gun going off. It sounded like it had gone off in officer’s racks. Felix hoped desperately he was wrong.
He wasn’t.
Chapter 18
Felix was sitting outside the morgue when Louis came to find him. He’d been outside the morgue since they had brought Dee in. He couldn’t bring himself to go inside. He didn’t want to think of Dee as being just another body.
“Hey,” said Louis. Felix didn’t say hello back.
“I heard. How are you?” he asked. ‘How the frak do you think I am, my best friend just committed suicide, you moron!’ Felix wanted to shout. Instead he said nothing.
“Felix, talk to me. Please.”
Felix still said nothing. The last thing he wanted to do right now was talk.
“She was my friend too, okay? Just, tell me what’s going through your head right now,” Louis pleaded.
Felix got up and walked away.
Going back to the CIC was the last thing Felix wanted to do the next day. But he had to, especially now that they were short a person. Some lackey got assigned Dee’s old position, which only pissed off Felix more. Louis gave Felix a sympathetic look when that got announced, as if to say ‘someone had to.’ Felix just glared at him. Dee shouldn’t have been dead to begin with. Wouldn’t have if Earth hadn’t been a mess. Wouldn’t have if he hadn’t left the room. Wouldn’t have if the Colonies had never been attacked, wouldn’t have if her best friend hadn’t been revealed to be a cylon, wouldn’t have if her marriage hadn’t sucked. Wouldn’t have, shouldn’t have. Too many things done wrong.
There may have been some announcement about trying to find a home; Felix wasn’t paying attention. He didn’t give a damn. He had a home if he wanted it, he’d grown up on the baseship after all. But Dee wasn’t getting a home. A lot of other people they’d started this journey with weren’t getting a home. What made everyone left worthy of getting one? What right did they have to keep going?
Felix didn’t feel like sleeping in Louis’ rack that night. Louis would want to talk, want to know his feelings, or even worse, want to hold him. Felix considered his options. He couldn’t go back to the Agathon quarters, not with Hera there. Hera probably didn’t even understand what death was, and she certainly wouldn’t know why people would be so upset about Earth being a shithole. He could go back to his old cell, but there was a chance Caprica was still there, and he didn’t want to deal with her either. There weren’t a lot of empty beds in the officer’s racks since the return of the Demetrius, but there was at least one. Felix debated between the awkwardness of sleeping in Dee’s rack, or having to deal with Louis all night.
He chose awkwardness.
“You want to explain why you slept in Dee’s bed last night?” Louis asked, having cornered him in the head. Felix was hoping to avoid him until they reached CIC and only had to speak to each other in an official manner.
“I wasn’t in the mood for spooning,” Felix replied curtly.
“Who said anything about spooning?” Louis asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Forget it Louis,” Felix grumbled. He sensed an argument coming and hoped Louis would be smart enough to simply drop it.
Louis tried to put a hand on his shoulder, but Felix brushed it away. “You can talk to me, you know,” Louis said, with a hint of dejection in his voice.
“Yeah well,” replied Felix. “I really don’t feel like talking. So just leave me alone.”
Felix was done with this conversation. He dried his hands and left the head as quickly as he could.
Life in the CIC had picked up a little since Earth, but not by much. Unfortunately the one person who seemed to have a lot of energy was Colonel Tigh. His relative exuberance was pissing Felix off.
“Snap out of it, Gaeta,” ordered Colonel Tigh, while Felix was staring blankly at the DRADIS console.
“Excuse me, Sir?” Felix replied, turning around.
“You look like you’re about to start seeing ghosts on the DRADIS screen. Either snap out of it, or I’m having you excused from duty,” said Tigh.
“My best friend just killed herself and you’re telling me to snap out of it?” Felix shouted.
“You better watch your mouth Lieutenant,” Tigh growled.
“Or what?” Felix demanded. He was being insubordinate. He didn’t care.
Tigh looked like he might start shouting back, but didn’t. Maybe he’d decided to actually be courteous. “You’re excused Lieutenant,” he grumbled.
Felix stalked off out of the CIC. He’d be back tomorrow, but he sure as hell wouldn’t be feeling any more upbeat like they wanted him to.
“Hey toaster,” ordered Captain Kelly the next day when Felix was in the CIC. “Hand me that report.”
Apparently Kelly was back to his usual self. Felix walked over and handed him the paper without a word. He frankly just didn’t give a damn anymore what Kelly called him. Sticks and stones and all that.
Just as Felix was about to head back to his station, Kelly decided he wasn’t done trying to provoke him. “What happened to your friend, she couldn’t handle hanging around a traitor anymore?”
Felix swiftly turned around and punched him square in the face.
“Don’t you dare talk about Dee like that!” Felix screamed, knocking Kelly to ground with another blow. Felix lost all control, taking hit after hit. The next thing he knew, Tigh had grabbed him and threw him back towards his station.
Felix could see just how much damage he’d done to Kelly now. There was a large pool of blood on the floor, and Kelly had suffered a broken nose and at least one black eye. ‘Good,’ was all Felix could think.
Felix was excused from duty yet again.
Felix didn’t want to go out much. He really wasn’t up to being social. It was probably better that way, as a lot of people were still angry and upset about Earth. Nevertheless, Felix still had to eat, and people would try to sit by him in the mess hall. First he started picking the table in the back corner, which most people avoided, but some still came anyway. Then he took to arranging the chairs so that none would be too close to him, and he’d have an entire side of the table to himself. When that failed, he just simply stuck to ignoring everyone.
There were a few who still pressed despite all of Felix’s barriers. Sharon and Helo would sit with him and talk about the silly things Hera had done that day. Caprica ran into him in the hall once and asked if he might try to teach her Triad again. The more they pressed, the more Felix resented them. Didn’t they get it?
Louis attempted a couple more times to talk about Dee. A few others tried to approach to him as well. Felix pushed them away every time. Talking wasn’t going to help. Talking wouldn’t bring her back. No one was coming back, no matter how good the living tried to make themselves feel. Maybe the others could live with it, but Felix wasn’t sure he wanted to anymore. What was the point?
The further the fleet got from Earth, the more Felix began to notice other cylons around the ship. There were Sixes, Eights, Twos, and Sevens, cylons he hadn’t seen since New Caprica, some he hadn’t seen since his days on the baseship. Had things been different, he might have been outraged at having them there.
The way things were, Felix was jealous of them. Cylons who’d lived their whole lives on a basestar weren’t like him, Sharon, or Caprica. They didn’t feel; they had never learned how. They didn’t feel grief, sorrow, despair. They just existed. Felix wanted that. He wanted more than anything to just turn off the hurt, to make it go away as if it didn’t exist, to just be. But he had become too human. He felt it too deeply to tear it out. How blissful it must have been not to endure pain.
“Are you ever going to start sharing a bed with me again?” Louis asked one night when he happened to catch Felix alone in the officer’s racks. He’d tried to feign sleep, but Louis hadn’t bought it.
“I don’t know, Louis.” He was still sleeping in Dee’s bed, not wanting to feel Louis anywhere near him at night. He couldn’t handle affection. Mostly because it would force him to feel, and Felix was trying his best not to. He was robot; he didn’t need to feel. Machines had no use for feelings.
“I feel like I don’t know you anymore, Felix.” Louis was whining. It sounded like whining to Felix, anyway. How could Louis expect Felix to be the same as he used to be?
“Maybe you never knew me at all,” Felix replied, then rolled over towards the wall.
“What’s happened to you, Felix?” Louis cried. “You’re turning into one of them! I don’t know what you are, if you’re just this mindless zombie or if you’re going to snap and turn into some violent cylon at any second. I’m starting to feel terrified of you, Felix. And I don’t know what to do.”
Felix rolled back over. “Well I suppose you could just reboot me,” he snapped. “Though I don’t know what you’ll end up with if you do.”
The look on Louis’ face was one of disappointment, although with something more in it. Other people’s emotions didn’t seem to register as well with Felix anymore. Hurt, perhaps. Louis left the room, not looking back. It was hurt.
Machines didn’t need feelings. But if they didn’t, what was it tugging at Felix’s heart?
Chapter 19