[Hikaru no Go] Ficlet: Peeping Ping Version 2: Attack of the Clones
Okay, so two days ago I posted a ficlet called Lost in Translation Peeping Ping which had a lot of Mandarin in it, helpfully supplied by ai_ling. But then issen4 pointed out that the Mandarin wouldn't be necessary if I rewrote the fic from Yang Hai's POV, since the guy is septilingual or something.
So, yeah, here's the rewritten version of the fic. The FIC THAT WILL NOT DIE.
[Edit] Changed the name of the fic from "Lost in Translation" to "Peeping Ping" on the suggestion of viridian_magpie.
Peeping Ping Version 2: Attack of the Clones
Yang Hai heard two nearly identical screams coming from down the hall. One scream was slightly higher in pitch than the other.
"That's coming from my room, isn't it," he asked rhetorically.
His friends muttered something under their breaths and kept their eyes glued to their kifu books.
More screaming from the direction of his room. Le Ping had a good set of lungs on him for such a whiny brat. "Yang Haaaaaaaai! They're doing it on your bed!"
"Don't tell it to the whole building!" Waya had an equally good set of lungs, no surprise there.
Yang Hai sighed and excused himself (not like his so-called friends cared) and walked down the corridor to his doom. Room. Whatever. He poked his head in and saw Le Ping jumping from the bed to the cot and back again like a monkey on steroids. Waya was jumping around after Le Ping like an idiot, while Isumi was noticeably not jumping around because he was trying to turn himself invisible.
Le Ping was the first to notice Yang Hai's presence. "Hey! Hey! Guess what! They were doing it on your bed!"
"My bed?" Yang Hai looked at Isumi, who looked pointedly at the ceiling. "My bed?" he said again, this time in Japanese.
"Shut up! We were not on his bed," protested Waya.
"What?" Le Ping shouted, seeming to think that if he was loud enough Waya would understand him. "I don't understand the words coming out of your mouth!"
"What?" Waya yelled back. "I don't understand the words coming out of your mouth!"
"No one understands the words coming out of either of your mouths," Isumi added helpfully.
Yang Hai sighed (he seemed to be doing that a lot today). He was so going to regret this. He said to Le Ping in Mandarin, "Waya said that he and Isumi were not having sexual relations on my bed."
"Fine, you were doing it on the other bed." Le Ping stuck out his tongue at Waya, who returned the favour before giving Yang Hai an expectant look. "Well?"
"He said you were doing it on the cot."
"You have no proof," retorted Waya, crossing his arms in front of him.
"What?" said Le Ping.
"Proof, you got none," supplied Yang Hai.
"You have no proof you didn't." Le Ping likewise crossed his arms. The clones stared each other down with identical stances and identical glares, like an experiment in CG technology gone horribly wrong, or a George Lucas movie gone horribly right. Same thing, really.
"By the way," Yang Hai said to Waya, "he basically just called you a liar."
"Yes! Liar!" Le Ping apparently knew at least one word of Japanese.
"You're the one who's a liar!" Waya loomed menacingly over Le Ping.
"Liar liar liar!" Le Ping climbed up on Yang Hai's bed so he could match Waya's height.
"It's so much worse when there are two of them," Isumi said apologetically.
Yang Hai massaged his forehead. "No kidding."
"Look, It's not our fault this pipsqueak is a peeping tom," Waya complained.
"I'm not Peeping Tom, I'm Le Ping!"
Waya tried to grab Le Ping again but the smaller boy was too fast.
"Isumi!" he cried, latching onto Isumi's leg. "What do you need this fake for? You have me!"
"Um...what?" Isumi blushed.
"He said, 'What do you need this fake for, you have me.'"
"He doesn't want jailbait," Waya snapped, finally managing to get a hold of Le Ping. "Now get out!"
"Waaah!" wailed Le Ping as he was dragged across the room. He managed to brace himself against the door frame before Waya could throw him out. "Isumi! Help!"
"I'm sorry, Le Ping, I'll play with you another time," Isumi replied, looking away.
"But your stupid boyfriend is trying to kill me!"
Yang Hai had just about had it. "Le Ping, shut up. Waya and Isumi, I don't care what you get up to on the spare bed, just leave my bed alone. And lock the door for chrissakes."
He plucked Le Ping out of Waya's hands, carried him into the hallway, and slammed the door shut behind him just as Le Ping cried out, "I love you and I'm carrying your baby!"
Yang Hai lifted Le Ping up to eye level and told him clearly, "I am not translating that."
"Let me go!"
"Yeah, like I'm gonna do that."
"Come on, I have an idea. Let me down, I'll be quiet.
Yang Hai didn't have the strength to hold on to an insane, hyperactive kid forever. He dropped Le Ping, who immedately started walking in place with loud then successively softer footsteps. Ah, he was pretending to walk away.
After about half a minute, Le Ping tiptoed his way to the door and put his ear against it. Yang Hai joined him silently, all the while cursing softly in Mandarin, Japanese, Korean, and English and feeling slightly out of his mind.
He heard Isumi's voice. "You're still in the mood after all that?"
Make that completely out of his mind.
"Especially after all that," growled Waya.
There was a small yelping sound. "Shouldn't we use the other bed?"
"There is no way in hell I'm moving now. And by the way, you are not going to 'play with that brat some other time.'"
"We'll see about that," muttered Le Ping. "I told you they were doing it on your bed."
Yang Hai just pressed his ear a little closer to the door. "Yeah, yeah. Now shut up so I can listen."
-End-
Which version sucks less? Which should get posted to the comms and ff.net?
So, yeah, here's the rewritten version of the fic. The FIC THAT WILL NOT DIE.
[Edit] Changed the name of the fic from "Lost in Translation" to "Peeping Ping" on the suggestion of viridian_magpie.
Peeping Ping Version 2: Attack of the Clones
Yang Hai heard two nearly identical screams coming from down the hall. One scream was slightly higher in pitch than the other.
"That's coming from my room, isn't it," he asked rhetorically.
His friends muttered something under their breaths and kept their eyes glued to their kifu books.
More screaming from the direction of his room. Le Ping had a good set of lungs on him for such a whiny brat. "Yang Haaaaaaaai! They're doing it on your bed!"
"Don't tell it to the whole building!" Waya had an equally good set of lungs, no surprise there.
Yang Hai sighed and excused himself (not like his so-called friends cared) and walked down the corridor to his doom. Room. Whatever. He poked his head in and saw Le Ping jumping from the bed to the cot and back again like a monkey on steroids. Waya was jumping around after Le Ping like an idiot, while Isumi was noticeably not jumping around because he was trying to turn himself invisible.
Le Ping was the first to notice Yang Hai's presence. "Hey! Hey! Guess what! They were doing it on your bed!"
"My bed?" Yang Hai looked at Isumi, who looked pointedly at the ceiling. "My bed?" he said again, this time in Japanese.
"Shut up! We were not on his bed," protested Waya.
"What?" Le Ping shouted, seeming to think that if he was loud enough Waya would understand him. "I don't understand the words coming out of your mouth!"
"What?" Waya yelled back. "I don't understand the words coming out of your mouth!"
"No one understands the words coming out of either of your mouths," Isumi added helpfully.
Yang Hai sighed (he seemed to be doing that a lot today). He was so going to regret this. He said to Le Ping in Mandarin, "Waya said that he and Isumi were not having sexual relations on my bed."
"Fine, you were doing it on the other bed." Le Ping stuck out his tongue at Waya, who returned the favour before giving Yang Hai an expectant look. "Well?"
"He said you were doing it on the cot."
"You have no proof," retorted Waya, crossing his arms in front of him.
"What?" said Le Ping.
"Proof, you got none," supplied Yang Hai.
"You have no proof you didn't." Le Ping likewise crossed his arms. The clones stared each other down with identical stances and identical glares, like an experiment in CG technology gone horribly wrong, or a George Lucas movie gone horribly right. Same thing, really.
"By the way," Yang Hai said to Waya, "he basically just called you a liar."
"Yes! Liar!" Le Ping apparently knew at least one word of Japanese.
"You're the one who's a liar!" Waya loomed menacingly over Le Ping.
"Liar liar liar!" Le Ping climbed up on Yang Hai's bed so he could match Waya's height.
"It's so much worse when there are two of them," Isumi said apologetically.
Yang Hai massaged his forehead. "No kidding."
"Look, It's not our fault this pipsqueak is a peeping tom," Waya complained.
"I'm not Peeping Tom, I'm Le Ping!"
Waya tried to grab Le Ping again but the smaller boy was too fast.
"Isumi!" he cried, latching onto Isumi's leg. "What do you need this fake for? You have me!"
"Um...what?" Isumi blushed.
"He said, 'What do you need this fake for, you have me.'"
"He doesn't want jailbait," Waya snapped, finally managing to get a hold of Le Ping. "Now get out!"
"Waaah!" wailed Le Ping as he was dragged across the room. He managed to brace himself against the door frame before Waya could throw him out. "Isumi! Help!"
"I'm sorry, Le Ping, I'll play with you another time," Isumi replied, looking away.
"But your stupid boyfriend is trying to kill me!"
Yang Hai had just about had it. "Le Ping, shut up. Waya and Isumi, I don't care what you get up to on the spare bed, just leave my bed alone. And lock the door for chrissakes."
He plucked Le Ping out of Waya's hands, carried him into the hallway, and slammed the door shut behind him just as Le Ping cried out, "I love you and I'm carrying your baby!"
Yang Hai lifted Le Ping up to eye level and told him clearly, "I am not translating that."
"Let me go!"
"Yeah, like I'm gonna do that."
"Come on, I have an idea. Let me down, I'll be quiet.
Yang Hai didn't have the strength to hold on to an insane, hyperactive kid forever. He dropped Le Ping, who immedately started walking in place with loud then successively softer footsteps. Ah, he was pretending to walk away.
After about half a minute, Le Ping tiptoed his way to the door and put his ear against it. Yang Hai joined him silently, all the while cursing softly in Mandarin, Japanese, Korean, and English and feeling slightly out of his mind.
He heard Isumi's voice. "You're still in the mood after all that?"
Make that completely out of his mind.
"Especially after all that," growled Waya.
There was a small yelping sound. "Shouldn't we use the other bed?"
"There is no way in hell I'm moving now. And by the way, you are not going to 'play with that brat some other time.'"
"We'll see about that," muttered Le Ping. "I told you they were doing it on your bed."
Yang Hai just pressed his ear a little closer to the door. "Yeah, yeah. Now shut up so I can listen."
-End-
Which version sucks less? Which should get posted to the comms and ff.net?