Broken
After being sick for way too long now, I've finally admitted that I am more or less broken.
The backstory is that I have been burning the candle at every imaginable end, and finally I came down with something pretty trivial, but undeniably show-stopping. I have reflux disease, which is really not a big deal, except that it makes me want to sleep 16 hours a day, and in minor to serious pain the other eight. The amount of pain seems to be directly proportional to my stress level.
After having been out for ages and ages, and finally getting it proven on X-ray that I did indeed have an explicable ailment, instead of a mysterious ailment, I tried to go back last week. I'd sat around for a week, I *was* improving, and it seemed possible.
Except... it wasn't.
Now I'm back home, and signing up for leave of absence at work. This makes me feel more helpless than I have since the last recession, when I couldn't always get work when I needed it (I was temping then). I want to make myself work, and cry because I know that if I do, I'll just stay in this condition longer, and be able to work efficiently... not at all.
I've been identifying myself pretty strongly with my ability to do a good job for a long time now, so this comes hard.
Should have given up the (way too much) coffee, I suppose, a lot earlier. Should have given up the (way too much) extra stress I took on, and the total investment of self into job. Except that I seem to not have the knack of distinguishing between enough investment and total investment; it's not very all or nothing, and I'm very passionate about trying to do things right.
So that leaves me with not much structure to my days right now. Concentrating on getting well is not much of anything, and it's too easy to get depressed about not doing what I do best, which is work at my interesting job. It's hard not to be extremely bitter about missing out on it.
I'm starting this journal as an attempt to put a little structure in, to try to document even the small accomplishments, if any. I can track my recovery, too.
The current mood indicator should have red hair, and look even more cranky, but it works well enough as animated gifs go....
The backstory is that I have been burning the candle at every imaginable end, and finally I came down with something pretty trivial, but undeniably show-stopping. I have reflux disease, which is really not a big deal, except that it makes me want to sleep 16 hours a day, and in minor to serious pain the other eight. The amount of pain seems to be directly proportional to my stress level.
After having been out for ages and ages, and finally getting it proven on X-ray that I did indeed have an explicable ailment, instead of a mysterious ailment, I tried to go back last week. I'd sat around for a week, I *was* improving, and it seemed possible.
Except... it wasn't.
Now I'm back home, and signing up for leave of absence at work. This makes me feel more helpless than I have since the last recession, when I couldn't always get work when I needed it (I was temping then). I want to make myself work, and cry because I know that if I do, I'll just stay in this condition longer, and be able to work efficiently... not at all.
I've been identifying myself pretty strongly with my ability to do a good job for a long time now, so this comes hard.
Should have given up the (way too much) coffee, I suppose, a lot earlier. Should have given up the (way too much) extra stress I took on, and the total investment of self into job. Except that I seem to not have the knack of distinguishing between enough investment and total investment; it's not very all or nothing, and I'm very passionate about trying to do things right.
So that leaves me with not much structure to my days right now. Concentrating on getting well is not much of anything, and it's too easy to get depressed about not doing what I do best, which is work at my interesting job. It's hard not to be extremely bitter about missing out on it.
I'm starting this journal as an attempt to put a little structure in, to try to document even the small accomplishments, if any. I can track my recovery, too.
The current mood indicator should have red hair, and look even more cranky, but it works well enough as animated gifs go....