Someone you might have been (part 21 of 39)
Someone you might have been
Secret agent!Jared/Jensen
part twenty
They take Jared's gun off him before they let him in Jensen's cell. It's a pointless thing to do because if Jared decides he wants Jensen dead then the lack of a gun isn't going to hold him up for even a second. However, he accepts the implicit command in both the gesture and in the look on Jeff's face.
His breath is light and shaky, high in his throat, as they open the door for him. The adrenaline coursing through his system is going to make him sick. Every instinct in his body is telling him to do something but there's no clear message telling him what. He forces himself to calm, willing his muscles to relax. It's years since he felt this crazy.
Jeff goes in front, Jared hears him say, "You have a visitor," and he hears Jensen say, "I don't want to see anyone." And then he's in the room. Jensen's gaze snaps from Jeff to Jared and then back again.
"No," Jensen says to Jeff. "Get him out of here. I don't want to see him."
Jeff doesn't answer, just turns and walks out. The door closes and then it's just them: just Jared in a room with some guy he doesn't know at all and can't stop being in love with.
Jensen is scruffier than Jared's ever seen him. His complexion is washed out and his jaw is shadowed with stubble. His lower lip is split and swollen, and there's a bruise on his cheek that's only just started to fade to green. Every line of his body says he's exhausted. He watches Jared with wary, red-rimmed eyes.
Jared takes a step towards him and Jensen instantly jerks backwards out of his chair, the chair legs scraping shrilly across the floor. Jensen's cuffed hands are raised defensively, for all the good they'd do. Jared smiles grimly and nods.
"Damn right you should be fucking scared of me."
Slowly and deliberately, Jared sits at the table and gestures for Jensen to take his seat again. Jensen keeps his back to the wall and doesn't move.
"You need some help sitting down?" Jared says. "You need me to help you?"
He sees Jensen weigh up his odds and then Jensen sits down across from him. He's far from relaxed. Jared recognises that same glimmer of fear he was so used to seeing in Jensen when they first knew each other. It seems appropriate, considering they're strangers to each other all over again.
"Why did you come here?" Jensen says after a few moments of silence have passed.
"I want you to break the habit of a lifetime and tell me the truth. I want you to explain all this to me. I've seen your interrogation, heard what you had to say. Now I want you to explain it to me."
Jensen gives him a strange look: all intense curiosity. His lips twitch as if he wants to smile and Jared knows, knows, that if Jensen smiles at him he's going to do him some serious harm.
"What do you need to hear?" Jensen says. "What's going to make this easier for you? I'll say whatever you want me to but… you don't need an explanation. I'm the bad guy here, Jared. And you don't want to make me prove it."
"No? Go on then, how would you prove it?"
Jensen doesn't hesitate. "I know your name. I know where you come from. That's all I need."
Jared doesn't even realise he's moved until he's over the table and his fist is slamming into Jensen's face, knocking him flat onto his back. Jensen cries out but the sound is muffled under Jared's weight. The impact of the punch is hot and hard and immensely satisfying, and he draws his fist back to do it again. Jared's got Jensen pinned beneath him, his to take to pieces as slowly as he likes, and Jensen can struggle as much as he wants but he's not going anywhere until Jared lets him.
Jared twists his fingers into the front of Jensen's t-shirt and hauls him closer, and it's the sick intimacy of being so close to Jensen - not even inches between their faces, the rough pants of Jensen's breathing hot over Jared's skin as he hangs from Jared's grip - that makes him pause. Blood trickles sluggishly from Jensen's nose, over the shiny swell of his lips, down his chin and splattering wetly on his t-shirt. His cuffed hands twitch ineffectually at his chest: meagre defence against Jared.
"You wanna beat the crap outta me?" he spits at Jared. "Work off some of that frustration? Go ahead, not like I can stop you. Get your kicks in now, buddy, 'cause you ain't gonna be seeing me again."
"What do you mean?"
Jensen bares his teeth at him in an obscene parody of a grin. "You wanted the truth? Here it is. The truth is they're gonna fuck me up until they're sure I can't tell them anything else they want to know, and then I'm gonna get 'disappeared'. And if I'm lucky and I play along, I'll get to live out the rest of my life in some godforsaken shithole and never see sunlight again. If I'm lucky."
Quickly but not particularly gently, Jared drags Jensen to his feet and throws him back into his chair.
"Jesus, are you seriously expecting me to feel sorry for you? What the hell else do you think you deserve?"
There's something strangely pitiful about Jensen's attempts to regain some of his dignity and Jared would look away, except he doesn't trust Jensen out of his sight for even a second. Jensen rolls his shoulders and settles himself tidily in the chair, wipes the back of his hand over his bloody face and only ends up smearing the blood across his skin. He shoots Jared a venomous look.
"What I deserve is a little gratitude! I could have taken you out any time I liked and there wasn't a damn thing anyone could have done to stop me. Hell, my guys at the Coalition would have fucking fallen at my feet if I'd done it! But I kept you safe! I suffered for you."
Jared gapes at him then shakes his head. "You want me to thank you for not double-crossing me? Jesus, you really are insane. You are so completely fucked in the head that I don't even… How the hell do you function?"
"Better than you, apparently."
There's a silence between them, as Jared doesn't even bother coming up with a response to that.
As gratifying as it had been to punch Jensen, the urge to do it again has drained away. Jared isn't angry anymore - he's just empty. He can't summon up feeling heartbroken either. He's not even sure what he's doing here, why he needed to see Jensen again.
He takes a breath and looks at Jensen one last time - bloody face, green eyes, split lip - then stands and crosses to the door.
"I'm done," he says.
Behind him, there's the scrape of Jensen's chair legs as Jensen rises sharply. Jared, Jensen says. Jared.
Jared doesn't stop, doesn't look back.
:::
Weatherly and O'Toole are already waiting in Jeff's office when Jared arrives. The atmosphere is not entirely unlike that of a wake. They're quiet and still, with an air of being just a little shell-shocked. Jeff's gaze drops to Jared's bruised knuckles before looking back up at him. "You get what you came for?"
Jared nods, can't find suitable words so doesn't say anything.
"For what it's worth, Jared," Weatherly says, "I'm sorry."
Taken aback, Jared looks at him, then nods slowly. "Yeah, you too. Guess he got us all pretty good."
"I'm going to leave him for a while," Jeff says. "Then Glover and I'll start a proper catalogue of his activities. We're going to have to go over everything from the beginning, re-evaluate all of his assignments, screen all of his former agents." He sighs and rubs his temple. "Lot of work, but we've got to know where we stand."
"We're screening some prospective new handlers for you, Jared," Weatherly says. "Thinking we might pull someone up through the ranks. They won't have as much experience as some, but at least we can trust they're clean."
There's a sudden noise outside the office and then Schneider appears in the doorway. He's out of breath and wild-eyed.
"Rosenbaum just blew up an ISA facility in Nevada," he says. "Numbers so far say eighteen dead and three casualties but it's only about three minutes old so who fucking knows? He's threatening to hit a civilian target next if we don't hand over Teague."
"I know him too well to think for even a second that he's bluffing," says O'Toole. "Remember Tokyo? We're looking at wholesale slaughter here if we don't act fast."
"Damn it!" Jeff says. It's fascinating to Jared how all three of the branch executives present look to him to make the decision. He sighs heavily then shakes his head. "We've got to move him. Get him somewhere secure. And I'm going to want all available information regarding Rosenbaum's whereabouts."
"Our informant, Eric Johnson, turned up dead two days ago. It was only through him we were able to catch the meeting between Rosenbaum and Jensen," Weatherly says. "Without him, we might as well be sticking a pin in a map."
"First things first, we get Jensen out of here," Jeff says. "Everything else comes after. Call down to Security, tell them to get Jensen ready for transport. We're leaving now."
Nobody even tries to stop Jared going with them.
part twenty two
Secret agent!Jared/Jensen
part twenty
They take Jared's gun off him before they let him in Jensen's cell. It's a pointless thing to do because if Jared decides he wants Jensen dead then the lack of a gun isn't going to hold him up for even a second. However, he accepts the implicit command in both the gesture and in the look on Jeff's face.
His breath is light and shaky, high in his throat, as they open the door for him. The adrenaline coursing through his system is going to make him sick. Every instinct in his body is telling him to do something but there's no clear message telling him what. He forces himself to calm, willing his muscles to relax. It's years since he felt this crazy.
Jeff goes in front, Jared hears him say, "You have a visitor," and he hears Jensen say, "I don't want to see anyone." And then he's in the room. Jensen's gaze snaps from Jeff to Jared and then back again.
"No," Jensen says to Jeff. "Get him out of here. I don't want to see him."
Jeff doesn't answer, just turns and walks out. The door closes and then it's just them: just Jared in a room with some guy he doesn't know at all and can't stop being in love with.
Jensen is scruffier than Jared's ever seen him. His complexion is washed out and his jaw is shadowed with stubble. His lower lip is split and swollen, and there's a bruise on his cheek that's only just started to fade to green. Every line of his body says he's exhausted. He watches Jared with wary, red-rimmed eyes.
Jared takes a step towards him and Jensen instantly jerks backwards out of his chair, the chair legs scraping shrilly across the floor. Jensen's cuffed hands are raised defensively, for all the good they'd do. Jared smiles grimly and nods.
"Damn right you should be fucking scared of me."
Slowly and deliberately, Jared sits at the table and gestures for Jensen to take his seat again. Jensen keeps his back to the wall and doesn't move.
"You need some help sitting down?" Jared says. "You need me to help you?"
He sees Jensen weigh up his odds and then Jensen sits down across from him. He's far from relaxed. Jared recognises that same glimmer of fear he was so used to seeing in Jensen when they first knew each other. It seems appropriate, considering they're strangers to each other all over again.
"Why did you come here?" Jensen says after a few moments of silence have passed.
"I want you to break the habit of a lifetime and tell me the truth. I want you to explain all this to me. I've seen your interrogation, heard what you had to say. Now I want you to explain it to me."
Jensen gives him a strange look: all intense curiosity. His lips twitch as if he wants to smile and Jared knows, knows, that if Jensen smiles at him he's going to do him some serious harm.
"What do you need to hear?" Jensen says. "What's going to make this easier for you? I'll say whatever you want me to but… you don't need an explanation. I'm the bad guy here, Jared. And you don't want to make me prove it."
"No? Go on then, how would you prove it?"
Jensen doesn't hesitate. "I know your name. I know where you come from. That's all I need."
Jared doesn't even realise he's moved until he's over the table and his fist is slamming into Jensen's face, knocking him flat onto his back. Jensen cries out but the sound is muffled under Jared's weight. The impact of the punch is hot and hard and immensely satisfying, and he draws his fist back to do it again. Jared's got Jensen pinned beneath him, his to take to pieces as slowly as he likes, and Jensen can struggle as much as he wants but he's not going anywhere until Jared lets him.
Jared twists his fingers into the front of Jensen's t-shirt and hauls him closer, and it's the sick intimacy of being so close to Jensen - not even inches between their faces, the rough pants of Jensen's breathing hot over Jared's skin as he hangs from Jared's grip - that makes him pause. Blood trickles sluggishly from Jensen's nose, over the shiny swell of his lips, down his chin and splattering wetly on his t-shirt. His cuffed hands twitch ineffectually at his chest: meagre defence against Jared.
"You wanna beat the crap outta me?" he spits at Jared. "Work off some of that frustration? Go ahead, not like I can stop you. Get your kicks in now, buddy, 'cause you ain't gonna be seeing me again."
"What do you mean?"
Jensen bares his teeth at him in an obscene parody of a grin. "You wanted the truth? Here it is. The truth is they're gonna fuck me up until they're sure I can't tell them anything else they want to know, and then I'm gonna get 'disappeared'. And if I'm lucky and I play along, I'll get to live out the rest of my life in some godforsaken shithole and never see sunlight again. If I'm lucky."
Quickly but not particularly gently, Jared drags Jensen to his feet and throws him back into his chair.
"Jesus, are you seriously expecting me to feel sorry for you? What the hell else do you think you deserve?"
There's something strangely pitiful about Jensen's attempts to regain some of his dignity and Jared would look away, except he doesn't trust Jensen out of his sight for even a second. Jensen rolls his shoulders and settles himself tidily in the chair, wipes the back of his hand over his bloody face and only ends up smearing the blood across his skin. He shoots Jared a venomous look.
"What I deserve is a little gratitude! I could have taken you out any time I liked and there wasn't a damn thing anyone could have done to stop me. Hell, my guys at the Coalition would have fucking fallen at my feet if I'd done it! But I kept you safe! I suffered for you."
Jared gapes at him then shakes his head. "You want me to thank you for not double-crossing me? Jesus, you really are insane. You are so completely fucked in the head that I don't even… How the hell do you function?"
"Better than you, apparently."
There's a silence between them, as Jared doesn't even bother coming up with a response to that.
As gratifying as it had been to punch Jensen, the urge to do it again has drained away. Jared isn't angry anymore - he's just empty. He can't summon up feeling heartbroken either. He's not even sure what he's doing here, why he needed to see Jensen again.
He takes a breath and looks at Jensen one last time - bloody face, green eyes, split lip - then stands and crosses to the door.
"I'm done," he says.
Behind him, there's the scrape of Jensen's chair legs as Jensen rises sharply. Jared, Jensen says. Jared.
Jared doesn't stop, doesn't look back.
:::
Weatherly and O'Toole are already waiting in Jeff's office when Jared arrives. The atmosphere is not entirely unlike that of a wake. They're quiet and still, with an air of being just a little shell-shocked. Jeff's gaze drops to Jared's bruised knuckles before looking back up at him. "You get what you came for?"
Jared nods, can't find suitable words so doesn't say anything.
"For what it's worth, Jared," Weatherly says, "I'm sorry."
Taken aback, Jared looks at him, then nods slowly. "Yeah, you too. Guess he got us all pretty good."
"I'm going to leave him for a while," Jeff says. "Then Glover and I'll start a proper catalogue of his activities. We're going to have to go over everything from the beginning, re-evaluate all of his assignments, screen all of his former agents." He sighs and rubs his temple. "Lot of work, but we've got to know where we stand."
"We're screening some prospective new handlers for you, Jared," Weatherly says. "Thinking we might pull someone up through the ranks. They won't have as much experience as some, but at least we can trust they're clean."
There's a sudden noise outside the office and then Schneider appears in the doorway. He's out of breath and wild-eyed.
"Rosenbaum just blew up an ISA facility in Nevada," he says. "Numbers so far say eighteen dead and three casualties but it's only about three minutes old so who fucking knows? He's threatening to hit a civilian target next if we don't hand over Teague."
"I know him too well to think for even a second that he's bluffing," says O'Toole. "Remember Tokyo? We're looking at wholesale slaughter here if we don't act fast."
"Damn it!" Jeff says. It's fascinating to Jared how all three of the branch executives present look to him to make the decision. He sighs heavily then shakes his head. "We've got to move him. Get him somewhere secure. And I'm going to want all available information regarding Rosenbaum's whereabouts."
"Our informant, Eric Johnson, turned up dead two days ago. It was only through him we were able to catch the meeting between Rosenbaum and Jensen," Weatherly says. "Without him, we might as well be sticking a pin in a map."
"First things first, we get Jensen out of here," Jeff says. "Everything else comes after. Call down to Security, tell them to get Jensen ready for transport. We're leaving now."
Nobody even tries to stop Jared going with them.
part twenty two