Bulletproof: part three
part two
Apparently, when Jensen has these weekend appointments, he takes them at a place just south of the city, where it's hot and hushed and Jared can see nothing but the colors of the sky - red and orange, pink and purple - bleeding endlessly into one another in all directions. They drive out Saturday morning, just before dawn, and Jensen sleeps most of the way. Jared keeps the radio turned down low and tries not to go too fast over any dips in the road.
The house is big and expensive, with a pool and a sheltering wall of large-leaved trees. Jared tries carrying Jensen's bag in for him and gets a good-natured swipe round the head for it and the bag taken out of his hand. Can carry my own luggage, dude, Jensen tells him, leading him into the house. Inside, it's all interesting objets d'art and designer furniture. The furniture is plush though, comfortable looking. Which, thinks Jared with a surprising rush of something sour in his mouth, it has to be if Jensen's going to be getting fucked on it for the next two days.
Wandering through the cool shady rooms together, Jensen gives Jared a quick tour of the house. There's the master bedroom with a huge en-suite, both of which seem like rooms full of nothing but sunshine and clean white surfaces. Further down the passage there's a much smaller bedroom with its own bath, both of which are more practically decorated. Still expensive, but not so much with the billowing white drapes and fat white cushions.
There's an open-plan kitchen and dining room and then a few other rooms that apparently have no designated purpose aside from providing extra space. The garden is large and simple, well-kept but dominated by the pool.
"You own this?" says Jared, finding Jensen laid out gracelessly on one of the loungers by the water. He realises he's standing in Jensen's sun and moves awkwardly to the side.
"Hell no. Belongs to the firm. Sam sends staff to get it ready for the appointment. Saves me all the fussing with it. Tell the truth, it's nice and all but it ain't my idea of a retreat. Too high maintenance. Need somewhere I can put my boots up on the coffee table and not get guilt pangs." Jensen glances at his watch and sits upright, a frown tightening his brows. "Man, Jeff'll be here any minute. Better get moving."
He disappears inside the house and Jared trails behind him with the intention of starting to fix some coffee but he stops when he sees Jensen checking his reflection in the mirror. He's leaning in to mess with his hair and examine some imaginary imperfection on his jaw. Then he turns away and through the door standing ajar, Jared sees him fiddling with the blankets on the bed, turning them back and smoothing them down, lips pursed in concentration. It's not as though Jensen doesn’t take care to appear his best for his clients and he's always very alert to their preferences. But this is something more.
From the unstinting cheerfulness Jensen has displayed, which grew the closer they came to the weekend, Jared's picked up that the guy they're expecting is one of Jensen's favorites. Favorite period, perhaps, if his casual admission that he'd be fucking him even without money changing hands can be believed. Jared's not sure. He knows that Jensen has clients he's reasonably fond of - fond like he would be of a pet of some kind, something boring but reliable like a long-lived goldfish - and some that he really hates and has to soothe himself after seeing them by grumbling and bitching for an hour or two. But, as far as Jared's aware, Jensen doesn't have any clients he'd fuck if they weren't paying him.
So, yeah, Jared's curious to meet Jeff. He's also determined to hate the guy on principle. Which, as it turns out, is difficult when Jeff turns out to be a fundamentally awesome guy.
At the crunch of a truck pulling in outside, Jensen rushes past Jared and goes out to meet it. Doing his damnedest not to appear sullen, Jared goes out with him, shielding his eyes against the sun as he gets his first look at Jeff. Jeff is climbing out of his truck, which is an agreeably beat-up looking vehicle that Jared approves of without wanting to. One shoulder has a duffel bag hooked over it, but Jeff uses his other arm to catch Jensen in a one-armed hug and clap him on the back.
"Hey there, boy! You missed me?" Jeff says. He's solidly built, has dark warm eyes and a low, gravelly voice that Jared stubbornly refuses to define as smouldering.
"You been somewhere?" says Jensen.
Laughing, Jeff hooks his arm around Jensen's shoulder and they walk together back towards the house, where Jared is waiting in the shade of the porch. Their gait slows slightly as they approach him and Jeff lets Jensen go. Jensen hangs back, watching the two of them, as Jeff cocks his head at Jared. His expression isn't unfriendly but Jared's willing to bet Jeff's scrutiny is more intense than it seems.
"Well hey now," says Jeff, holding out a hand to Jared. "You must be Jared."
"Jared's my…" Jensen shifts, mildly exasperated and changes direction with his introduction. "I guess Sam explained it to you."
"She sure did," Jeff says as Jared takes his hand and gives it a good, firm shake. He shoots a glance at Jensen and then looks back at Jared, a smile on his face that Jared finds impossible not to mirror. "I bet he gave you hell. You're a brave guy for not running for the hills."
"Yeah, you try being given a babysitter when you're twenty-freaking-eight," says Jensen. "See how you like it." But he grins at Jared to lessen the sting of it. "Guess I should just count myself lucky Sam got me something nice to look at and talk to."
"She's a very thoughtful lady," Jeff agrees gravely, eyes bright.
It's the second time in a week that Jensen has indirectly referred to Jared as good-looking. It's making him itchy under the skin. It makes him want to make Jensen write it down on a piece of paper and sign it just so that he has proof of it and can get used to it, stop reacting to it every time he hears it. Desperately, he hopes that Jensen has absolutely no idea that he's bringing out the crazy in Jared in this way, because then he might stop saying it. Or worse, he might say it more often and Jared can make no guarantees about his behavior if that happens.
"Well, I guess you and I got plenty of catching up to do," says Jensen. He splays his hand over Jeff's chest as he says it and it's the first gesture that gives it away that the relationship is not exactly the friendship between two good old boys that they play. "Been too long, old man."
Cheeks coloring, Jared ducks back inside the house and heads straight for the kitchen, which will conveniently put his back to Jensen and Jeff disappearing into their bedroom together. He fishes around in the cabinets until he finds a cup and when he turns around is surprised to see Jensen standing right behind him. Jeff's nowhere in sight and Jared gestures vaguely with the coffee pot.
"Want some?" he says.
Jensen shakes his head and moves past him to browse the bowl of fruit, all fresh and immaculate articles. After a long moment's perusal he selects an apple, unblemished green skin shining like it's painted on.
"Got you something," he says. He drops a fat, paperback book entitled 1,000 Sudoku Pro Puzzles, and Other Number-Crunching Mindbenders on the kitchen table. Flashes Jared a grin as he takes a large, crunchy bite out of the apple and walks out.
Jared's still staring at the book by the time his coffee's grown cold.
:::
Mostly, it's not so bad. The house is big enough that Jared can keep the hell out of the way. The afternoon passes and Jared sticks to his room because he's not one hundred percent certain he's not going to walk in on any scenes that look like they've been ripped straight from some hardcore porn movie. He does his Sudoku and enjoys the fact he's being paid for taking a vacation.
At one point, there's a sudden series of wall-rattling thumps and some cursing, groaning and moaning that leaves very little doubt as to what it is Jared's hearing. He doesn't spend long enough listening to it to separate out the sounds Jeff's making from the ones Jensen's making and resolutely sticks the buds of his headphones in his ears and puts his iPod on. He rolls over onto his belly on his bed and when he next dares take his headphones out, all is quiet again.
When evening rolls in, there's a light knock on his door and he finds Jensen waiting there, fully dressed, if a little dishevelled with his hair mussed and the buttons on his shirt done up wrong. He grins at Jared, easy and open, and says, "You gonna join us for dinner? Jeff's making chilli and you don’t wanna miss that. Separates the men from the boys, does Jeff's chilli."
This has the potential to be excruciatingly awkward. Jeff is there to fuck Jensen, they have been fucking, and now apparently Jared's invited to come sit in a room with them. Instinctively, Jared starts to decline and it must show because Jensen's face falls just slightly, smile dying, and Jared gives in. Jensen's enough of a pro not to do anything - like inviting Jared in to dinner - that hasn't got the stamp of approval from whoever is currently paying for his time.
"Sure," says Jared. "If you're positive I'm not gonna be in the way …?"
Jensen claps him on the arm and shakes his head, tugs him out of the room.
"'Course not. Anyway, Jeff's chilli is one hell of an event. You don't get a pass on this one, Padalecki. He'd be dragging you out here if I hadn't."
When they reach the kitchen, Jeff looks up from the pot he's leaning over and gives Jared a friendly smile. It's enough to put Jared's mind a little more at rest. The kitchen is bathed in the inviting orange glow of a couple of lamps, accented by the huge, dark blue night beyond the windows. The chilli smells rich and good, and there's a bottle of red wine on the table, three glasses in a cluster beside it.
"Pull up a chair," says Jeff. "I'm almost done."
Jared takes a seat, shifting his legs out of the way as Jensen moves round him to set out some plates. He feels uncomfortable being waited on like this by Jensen and Jeff, so he reaches for the wine and works the cork free. Jared doesn't have to read the label on the bottle to know it's expensive. The scent of it hits his nose as he pours some into each of the three glasses. The wine splashes, thin and red, into the crystal clear glass and Jared wonders if he could actually get accustomed to living like this. He wonders if Jensen could give up this lifestyle up.
As it turns out, being a good cook is just one more of Jeff's qualities that makes it hard for Jared to dislike him. The chilli's awesome, even if it feels like it's taking a layer of skin off his throat. Both Jensen and Jeff watch Jared take his first mouthful. As his eyes widen and he gulps in breath against the sudden burn, Jeff chuckles and Jensen nudges his glass of wine towards him, which Jared takes a grateful swallow from.
"Gets you good, doesn’t it?" says Jensen, the skin at the corners of his eyes crinkling as he grins at Jared.
"Like a kick in the chest," says Jared.
"I like my chilli to fight back," Jeff says. He picks up his glass, wine glinting jewel-like in the light. He starts to lift it to his lips but stops, raising an eyebrow at Jared. "Not too hot for you, is it, boy?"
It should sound like a challenge, like Jared's got to defend his manly pride and wolf the plateful of chilli down in a single mouthful, just to prove the point. But it doesn't come across that way somehow. It's playful rather than jeering. Jared grins and raises a forkful in mock-salute.
"Think I can handle it."
The meal passes without any of the awkwardness Jared was expecting. Well, except for the one moment, when Jensen leans back in his chair to reach the basket of cornbread on the counter and his shirt rumples, and Jared can see the rosy, red and purple marks that Jeff's mouth has left along Jensen's collarbone. Jared flushes and drops his gaze but when he looks up, Jeff's watching him, his expression serious. Neither of them says anything and Jensen remains entirely oblivious to the exchange. And Jeff drops so quickly back into conversation with Jensen that it's easy for Jared to pretend nothing happened.
Besides that, everything else is easy and unstrained. Jeff and Jensen are not ridiculously obvious about the fact they're spending whatever time they're not with Jared fucking each other's brains out. Jeff is not all handsy with Jensen, doesn't make any innuendo-laden remarks and Jensen doesn't flirt or play Jeff any of the ways he plays his other clients.
But after dinner, while Jared helps Jensen stack the plates in the dishwasher and Jeff finishes his wine, Jared can't help noticing how frequently Jeff's gaze is on Jensen and he makes a quick escape back to his room.
On the whole though, as Jared stretches out in the luxuriously comfortable bed, toes smoothing over the expensive sheets, he finds it pretty easy to pretend he's just on a perfectly normal holiday with someone who isn't paying the other someone for sex.
:::
A light in the garden flashes on outside and startles Jared to consciousness. The sound of rippling water drifts in through his open window. It's almost restful except for the occasional low murmur of voices. And Jared moves to the window and makes the fatal mistake of looking outside.
They're fucking. For some reason, the sight manages to surprise Jared.
Jeff and Jensen are in the pool together, their bodies painted in angles and planes by he pointed contrast of the poolside lights against the shadows. Jensen is braced against the poolside wall, Jeff crowding in behind him, broad chest pushed to Jensen's back. One of Jeff's hands rests on Jensen's throat, fingers sprawled out and flexing over his windpipe in simple dominance. His mouth is pressed to Jensen's ear and Jared can see his lips moving, can imagine that low, scorching voice whispering sweet filth to him. Jeff's hand moves up to Jensen's forehead, smoothing back the wet strands of his hair clinging to the skin, and draws Jensen's head back against his shoulder. The move bares his neck for Jeff's mouth and Jensen traps his lower lip between his teeth as Jeff ducks his head to nuzzle and bite.
More bruises, more marks, thinks Jared in a detached part of his brain.
Strange shadows flicker and dance over the shifting surface of the pool and though the water comes up to their middles, the sudden snap of Jeff's hips and the way Jensen arches back against him, eyes fluttering wide and mouth falling open, don't leave much to the imagination.
Jared swallows hard - watching Jeff curl an arm around Jensen's middle, hauling him back against him, and watching Jensen scrabble against the side of the pool and push back into him. He's craning desperately to tilt his face back to Jeff and, tenderly cradling Jensen's jaw in his hand, Jeff catches Jensen's mouth with his and kisses him. It's a brutal kiss, Jeff licking and biting Jensen's lips, but Jensen can’t seem to get enough of it, twisting back into it every time Jeff starts to pull away.
Feeling wretched and miserably angry, Jared listens to the splashing of the water grow louder as Jeff's hips work harder, slamming against Jensen as his hands move restlessly over him, fingers digging in bruisingly to the flesh to hold Jensen steady as he fucks him. And though it's Jensen's job to make it look like he's loving the cock up his ass, to moan and shiver and act like all he ever wants is that cock up his ass, Jared has a swift, bitter moment of hating Jensen. Hates him for so obviously enjoying his job right now.
:::
By morning, after he's had a shower and jerked off - thinking resolutely of fucking into the clenching heat of a faceless, nameless nobody - Jared thinks he's got himself back in line. He has a serious discussion with himself in his head while he's fixing himself some breakfast.
So the crush on Jensen is no longer burgeoning but very much in existence. If he's honest, it's nothing he didn’t already know. And he's come face to face with the reality of Jensen's profession and responded poorly to it. He's not planning on throwing in the towel. It's good money and now he's passed this little trial, he can handle it. He knows how Jensen looks when he's being fucked. And yeah, if he thinks about it too long and in too much detail, he can feel his cock give an interested twitch.
So he just won't think about it. Simple.
He even succeeds in being friendly to Jeff when he comes into the kitchen because Jared's a reasonable guy and he knows it's not Jeff's fault. Still, doesn't mean he's exactly comfortable with the long, steady look Jeff gives him over coffee. Perhaps, he thinks with a sick lurch in his belly, Jeff saw him watching last night. And that would be awkward. Any conversation about Jared watching Jeff take advantage of the services he'd paid for is going to be excruciatingly awkward and there's not enough coffee in the world to get Jared through it.
"I'll give you one million dollars if you can get him to give this up," Jeff says finally.
"Buh?" Jared says intelligently.
"All right," Jeff says, grinning. "You twisted my arm. One point five million." As Jared goes on staring at him, Jeff's grin fades and he shifts in his chair, taking a slow sip of his coffee. "You think I don't know this isn't exactly a suitable profession for him? I know. He won't listen to me. Might listen to you."
"But… But you still…" Still fuck him. It's there in the air, even if Jared doesn't say it.
"So long as he's on the market, I'm gonna take advantage, sure I am. But he can't keep doing this, Jared. You and I both know it. Only a matter of time before he ends up getting hurt and he's not gonna bounce back like he did last time."
There's that reference again, to what Sam had called a 'nasty incident'. It occurs to Jared that it's precisely the thing he's supposed to be guarding Jensen against and yet he has no idea what it is. As if reading his mind, Jeff waves his hand dismissively and says, "Doesn’t matter. What matters is that someone talk some sense into that thick skull of his."
"Why don’t you offer him the one point five million?"
Jeff raises an eyebrow at him, mouth stretching into a grin. "You think I haven't? I have. Offered him a whole lot more besides. Takes it as my clumsy-ass attempt at rescuing him. And he doesn't need that. He needs to get his head in gear and figure out what he wants to do with his life that doesn't require him being flat on his back or on all fours."
:::
By hiding in his room, Jared doesn't see Jensen until the late afternoon when Jeff is leaving. He saw them through his window earlier, sitting by the pool instead of fucking in it. Jared watched long enough to see Jeff reach out to lay his hand over the clasped knot of Jensen's hands. Jeff said something that made Jensen look up abruptly. It didn't look like a happy expression on Jensen's face and he pulled his hands out from under Jeff's. Jeff just smiled and leant in to kiss him, and that's when Jared turned away.
It's after four o'clock when Jeff packs up and leaves. He shakes Jared's hand and nods at him.
"You take care of our boy, okay?" Jeff says to Jared. "And yourself too. Get yourself out of this and find a proper job."
It's said with warmth and something like genuine good feeling but Jensen's lips go thin at the comment. Jeff ignores the look Jensen shoots him and Jared busies himself with adjusting the hem of his t-shirt instead of watching Jeff and Jensen make their goodbyes.
After Jeff's gone, truck disappearing over the sun-drenched horizon, Jensen packs up, locks the house and walks out to where Jared is already waiting in the car.
The drive back is quiet because Jensen seems to have drawn in on himself again. It’s a tendency in his personality Jared's noticed before and he's not sure what to make of it. It's in his own nature to prod and poke until Jensen tells him what he's thinking about but, equally, he kind of accepts the quirk as just another part of Jensen. So they don't talk beyond idle observations on the passing scenery or the crap playing on the radio.
By the time they reach the outskirts of the city, Jared's so relaxed in the companionable hush that he physically startles when Jensen speaks.
"I'm guessing Jeff offered you money to make me quit." Jensen meets Jared's surprised look with a wry smile. "He's done it before, with Sam and… other people. And if he ever finds out my momma's number, God help me 'cos he'll do it to her too."
"Yeah," says Jared, after a beat.
"And?" says Jensen, when it becomes clear Jared isn't volunteering any more on the subject. "You planning on trying to take him up on it?"
"No. No, we didn't get very far in the conversation. I said… uh, I said if he wanted you to quit, he should offer you the money."
Jensen rolls his eyes but it doesn't look to be directed at Jared. His features seem softer, more vulnerable in the shimmering light of dusk.
"He's done that too."
"Yeah," says Jared. "He said he had." There's a pause before Jared wets his lips and says, "You said before you'd give this up if you could. Well, couldn't you with the money Jeff'd give you?"
The silence stretches on so long that Jared stops expecting an answer. Jensen doesn't seem to be looking at anything in particular, certainly not at Jared. Finally, he sighs and says, "What happens between me and Jeff is an exchange. It's equal. He gives me money, I fuck him. I don't owe him anything. If I let him buy me out of this, I'm going to owe him forever."
"I don't think Jeff'd see it like that. I don't think he'd… expect anything in return."
"No," Jensen agrees. "I don’t think he would either. But if he did, I'd feel obliged to let him have it. And I'd always know that I owed him. When I retire, it's going to be because I've earned it."
It's an oddly depressing conversation and Jared tastes that bitterness in his mouth again, tinged with wretchedness. He doesn't push Jensen for more and concentrates on the road, cutting away from the ever-present awareness of Jensen being near him.
"You didn’t tell me how your date went," Jensen says into the silence.
Jared pauses, considers it, then grins.
"Good, man. Really good."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah." He thinks that should be it but Jensen's still watching him, one eyebrow arched. Jared shrugs, not sure what Jensen's waiting for him to say. "I dunno. It's nothing serious for either of us yet but… I think maybe I'd like it to be. I don't know if she feels the same but… well, we'll see how it works out, won't we?"
He carries on grinning, even if it does grow slightly uncertain as Jensen goes on watching him. Too much goes on in Jensen's head that Jared isn't made aware of. It's like reading a book with half the pages torn out. Sometimes, he'll think Jensen's just zoned out and then he'll say something and Jared'll realise that Jensen's been thinking. He thinks way too deeply and way too much.
Eventually, he grunts and says, "Actress or model?"
"Actress. Awesome one."
"Yeah? What’s she been in?"
Jared pulls a face and lifts a shoulder in half a shrug. "Uh… probably nothing you've seen."
"You mean she doesn't exactly stink of the sweet smell of success?"
There's a cruel sharpness in his tone, something that Jared doesn't think he's ever heard before, that instantly attracts his full attention. His gaze snaps to Jensen. Jensen's staring out of the window, face tilted away from him, but for a moment, Jared thinks he detects a faint flush in his cheeks.
The whole weekend has just been way too weird.
:::
"So, aside from driving him around and keeping the other kids playing nice with him, do you have to carry his purse full of lube and condoms around?"
Jared doesn’t answer for a long time and then he says, "I'm trying to work out on how many levels that's offensive. I've definitely got three and I think it's best for everyone if I stop counting. Before I have to, y'know, kick your ass for being such an offensive little shit."
Chad laughs obnoxiously and doesn't apologise.
"Yeah, yeah. When do I get to meet him?" he demands.
"Oh you totally don't ever get to. I think he may currently have some respect for me. No way I'm gonna screw that one up and introduce him to you. Anyway…" Jared trails off and considers the last few weeks with Jensen. "Things are kind of… weird right now. Just… weird. I'm gonna take some days off, go home."
Chad's only the second person Jared's mentioned this plan to. Sam was the first and Sandy's the third. Jensen's fourth.
"Oh," Jensen says when Jared tells him at a café in between appointments. "Yeah, that's cool. Take as long as you need."
"It's not going to be long. Sam's gonna look through your appointment book. Make sure you've got a light week."
Jensen rolls his eyes and goes back to shredding a napkin. He already has a roll in crumbs on his plate. "I managed before you came along. You're not gonna come back and find me on crutches or with my arm in a sling."
"Better not," says Jared, who has finished his chicken salad sub and is now eyeing what's left untouched on Jensen's plate.
"I mean, that's supposing you're coming back," Jensen says in a casual tone of voice. He starts neatly removing the label from his bottle of mineral water and ripping it into shreds. He glances up and meets Jared's eyes, the question in them clear even if he doesn’t want to say it.
With an expression of great daring, Jared reaches across and steals the muffin Jensen's about to start in on demolishing. He breaks off a piece and shoves it into his mouth.
"See you in a week, Jen."
After Jared's picked him up from his last appointment of the day, Jensen goes with him to the airport. He hangs close but quiet, and Jared is both grateful for the company and acutely aware of the fact that he's going to miss Jensen. It's going to be better once he gets back though. They need some time apart for whatever weird energy's built up between them since Jeff's visit to fade away. When Jared gets back everything'll be back to normal.
During the flight, Jared finishes the last of the Sudoku puzzles in the book Jensen gave him. Since he took it up, he's become pretty much a master at Sudoku, confident enough to fill in the answers in pen from the start without bothering to pencil them in tentatively first. Once the book's completed, there's not much point keeping it but Jared doesn't want to throw it in the trash. He can't help imagining Jensen in the store, choosing it for him. It's an embarrassing little souvenir but it has significance. Jared smoothes out the cover and tucks it back into his bag.
His mom picks him up from the airport and he enjoys the drive home just because it's safe, uncomplicated territory. His older brother isn't around, but both Megan and their dad are and he sits at the family table with them and has his first home cooked meal in he doesn't know how long. Obviously he can't avoid talking about his life back in Los Angeles but he keeps it as neutral and stress-free as possible, because this is his home, his escape from all the mess back there with Jensen.
"How's the job going?" his mom says, spooning peas onto his plate.
"It’s good."
"What's your boss like?" Megan throws in through a mouthful of chicken.
"She's nice."
There's a pause as his family registers his obvious lack of desire to talk about it. Conversation moves on to Megan's studying and the girl that Jeff's seeing now. Jared lets it wash over him, puts in comments here and there, and then, afterwards, helps with the dishes and goes to sit on the terrace and drink beer with his dad. The night sky is smooth and purple, dotted with the sparkle of stars. Los Angeles feels like another planet right now and Jared tries to back away from thinking about L.A. but all too soon he's wondering if Jensen's working tonight, who he's seeing, whether he'll drive himself there or whether Sam'll find someone else to accompany him in Jared's place.
"You all right, kid?" his dad says.
"Yeah, I'm fine."
"Really? You’re pretty quiet. Not used to you not talking my ear off."
Jared laughs and scratches the back of his neck, swatting away a fly.
"Just tired." His dad's look is way too penetrating and Jared shakes his head, doesn't meet his gaze. "Glad to be home."
After a moment, his dad claps him on the shoulder and goes back to his beer.
"Good to have you back. Your mom misses you something awful with you all the way out there." He pauses, then adds in a gruff voice, "And, 'course, I do too."
The silence is simple and blessed. Jared lets the knot of tension and want that's been winding itself deep down in his belly unravel, just for a little while. There are hours between him and Jensen so it's no good thinking about him. He chugs his beer slowly, tilting his head back to catch the last dribble. Then he sets the bottle down and says, "I've met someone, Dad."
"Yeah?" His dad shoots him a pleased, sidelong glance. "What's her name?"
"Sandy," Jared says swiftly. "Her name's Sandy."
It's the end of the conversation.
:::
Even though it's not that many years since Jared left home, waking up in his old room still leaves him disoriented for a moment. He stares at the ceiling and takes a deep breath. There's no one else moving in the house; it's pure, blessed silence. He stretches out over clean, cotton sheets and for the first time in a long while, doesn't feel totally overwhelmed and out of his depth.
He rolls over onto his side and fumbles about on the nightstand by his bed for his cellphone. The light of the screen is insignificant in the soft light of very early morning and Jared scrolls through his contacts to Jensen. Propping himself up on his elbow, Jared's thumb rests over the keypad. It's ass-crack early and three hours earlier than that where Jensen is. Jared doesn't know what he'd say to him, doesn't know how he'd apologise for waking him. He sighs and scrolls further down to Sam.
There's an easy way out of this mess. Jared simply has to call Sam up and tell her that it's not working out, thank her for taking a chance on him. He could ask her to send his best wishes to Jensen and Sam's a smart woman, she'd think of something to tell Jensen to explain Jared's resignation. Something that wouldn't hurt Jensen. He'd never have to see or hear from Jensen again. He could get back to going on auditions and maybe get a job that isn’t illegal and didn't involve people getting fucked for money.
He throws the cellphone down on the nightstand and flops onto his back. If he knows anything about Jensen, it's that he makes very bad decisions. Someone with sense, someone grounded, needs to be around to keep him from making too many of them. Jared signed up for that responsibility. He can totally handle it.
:::
Time away, at home with his family, was precisely what Jared needed. By the end of the week, he's cheerful, chatty and back to his usual self. His mom pinches his cheek and tells him it's good to see some color in him again.
"I bet you're not eating right. Not taking proper care of yourself. Pizza isn't one of the five food groups, honey," she tells him sternly at the airport, as she and Megan see him off.
The flight passes quickly because Jared's stocked up on yet more Sudoku and has branched out into some of the similar puzzles, just for the variety. And when he gets through Arrivals in L.A., Jensen's waiting for him. He'd left Jensen a voicemail the night before, telling him what time he'd get in, but he hadn't actually expected him to turn up. He's in casual wear, which makes think Jared think he hasn't been working today. He's wearing sunglasses and a baseball cap tugged down low and Jared wonders for a moment if he's trying to look like a celebrity incognito. Then he sees how he's always awkwardly trying to shift out of people's way and guesses he's just bad with crowds.
"Hey, Jensen," Jared says, his accent feeling thicker than usual and lingering over the shape of his name. He hasn't said it even once while he was with his family. It feels good to be back on his tongue.
"Hey, man! You look good! Home cooking, right? I swear there's no better fix than my mom's beef stew. C'mon, I got the car parked out front."
He's actually excited to see Jared, Jared realises with numb satisfaction. He's missed Jared, just like Jared's missed him. He dumps his bag in the back seat and then, with great ceremony and a grin, Jensen returns the car keys to him. Then he frowns, keeping his hand outstretched.
"Unless you're too tired? I can drive if you are. I just thought-"
"S'fine," says Jared, opening the driver's door and climbing in. "It'd feel too weird being driven by you anyway."
And it feels right to be in the car with Jensen. Home has been great but it's also made him appreciate the simple pleasure of spending time like this with Jensen, a guy who's a good friend even if his career is crazy and Jared has an inconvenient crush on him. They drive back into the bustle of the city and as frequently as Jared finds himself glancing towards Jensen, he finds Jensen looking back.
"How was the week?" Jared says.
"Quiet. Only took three appointments. Spent the rest of the time chilling out with the boys. It was good. Think I needed it. How about you?"
"It was awesome. Good to see the family. And mom didn't let me go more than five minutes at a time without feeding me." Jared pats his belly appreciatively. "Gonna suck to have to go back to take-out."
"You could always cook for yourself, y'know," says Jensen. "Not like it's a choice between take-out or starvation, is it?" He pauses and then shrugs, expression bland. "Tell you what, come to my place and I'll make you dinner."
"Yeah?" says Jared, grinning helplessly.
"Yeah. Not promising haute cuisine or anything but… should ease you gently back in to life without mom's cooking. Stave off the withdrawal symptoms a little longer."
Somehow, dinner is a much more intimate proposition than breakfast. Jared's used to having breakfast at Jensen's but having dinner with him seems entirely more personal. The urge to put his foot to the floor and get them to Jensen's in record time before he can do the sensible thing and decline is overwhelming. Still, getting stopped for speeding would be a considerable delay. Besides, Jared's only just got back from a break designed to bring his feelings for Jensen back to something more reasonable and more easily handled; he's not going to get stupid about him again within an hour of being back in his company.
While Jensen makes a dish of pasta - lightly cooked shells that glisten with melted butter, topped with steamed vegetables - Jared props himself up against the counter and waxes lyrical about San Antonio. Jensen puts in a few comments of his own, about how Dallas is the same or different. The idea of growing up only a few hours from where Jensen was growing up is almost surreal.
"I think it was destiny," says Jared. Jensen shoots him a slightly confused look and Jared straightens a little and tries to explain. "I mean, both of us coming from Texas and meeting up here, in L.A. C'mon, what are the chances of that?"
Having said it, it strikes Jared as not actually all that remarkable at all but Jensen just grins and is nice enough not to call him on it. He ushers Jared into a chair and sets a plate in front of him, then takes a seat across the table from him. They eat in comfortable silence, broken only by the clatter of forks against china and Jared's loud noises of appreciation. He tries to cut it out when he catches Jensen watching him but Jensen's smile isn't mocking so much as entertained.
When they finish eating, Jared sets his fork down neatly and leans back in his chair. He feels full and content, an almost drunken feeling of satisfaction coming over him due to the combination of good food and good company. It makes him say things he wouldn't necessarily say if he were in his right mind.
"You missed me then," he says smugly. "Didn't want me around at first. And then I take a week off and you miss me."
Jensen arches an eyebrow at him but he's still grinning.
"You think maybe it's a case of 'better the devil you know'?" He shrugs, affecting serious contemplation. "Maybe I wanted you back because you seemed the better alternative to the pains in the ass Sam might hire to follow me around. You think maybe that might be closer to the truth? None of this 'missing you' crap?"
Jared meets his gaze with a deeply unimpressed frown. Jensen shrugs and takes a long swallow of wine.
"Oh, all right, maybe I missed you."
It's enough of a concession to put Jared in one hell of a good mood.
:::
The first job back is Dan Williams. Jared is kind of dreading it because, okay, maybe Dan sent Sam an awesome bouquet of pink tulips, but Sam wasn't the one who told Dan he was too drunk and couldn't have his two hours with Jensen. Still, Jensen's all ready to go, sitting quiet and apparently calm in the car beside him, and Jared can only have faith in the fact Sam wouldn't have let Dan book time with Jensen if he sounded like he was going to make trouble.
All the same, Jared accompanies Jensen into Dan's house and Dan seems to expect it. Dan doesn't look drunk and he meets Jared's gaze squarely, even reaches out to shake his hand.
"God, man, I'm really sorry about last time," he says, rubbing the back of his neck. "I'd had a crappy day and was just trying to wind down. Didn't mean to drink that much. You were totally right to cancel the appointment. You can believe me: it won’t happen again."
All of this is directed at Jared, while Jensen lingers just barely through the doorway, hands curled in loose fists against his thighs. It's uncomfortable as hell and only gets worse when Dan turns to Jensen. He cups Jensen's face in his hands and leans in, resting their foreheads together. Jensen goes with it in one smooth move but still doesn't speak.
"Baby, you gotta know I'd never hurt you, right?" His voice is smooth and coaxing. He rubs his thumb along Jensen's jawline, backwards and forwards as if trying to leave a mark. "I'm gonna make it up to you, yeah? Gonna take such good care of you."
"Right, I'll leave you to… I'll leave you two," says Jared and makes a hasty exit.
He waits in the car, keeping a close eye on the front door of Dan's house, waiting for Jensen to reappear. Despite the creepy attempt to sweet-talk Jensen, Dan seemed sincerely contrite and Jared supposes he should stop worrying and relax with his Sudoku. He can't quite manage it though and has scribbled only a few numbers in by the time Jensen comes down the drive to the SUV.
He climbs in and shoots Jared a mildly ill at ease smile.
"Well that was… Jeez, I think I’d've preferred him drunk." Jensen gives a short but genuine laugh and Jared catches it, a swell of relief going through him at Jensen's apparent good humor.
"Really?"
"Totally," says Jensen. "Apologetic sex is… not something I want to repeat. It's just freakin' weird."
"All right, from now on I'll let you have sex with drunks so long as they're totally unapologetic about it."
Jensen looks at Jared, takes in Jared's very straight face and rolls his eyes. "Oh, bite me," he says, but it's entirely lacking in venom.
"Can't," says Jared as he starts up the car. "You've got an appointment with Bob and I can't send you along all marked up now, can I?"
He gives Jensen a grin as he pulls out onto the road.
:::
At the end of the week, Jared is thoroughly convinced that taking the time away and going back to San Antonio was one of his best plans ever. So things still have moments of weirdness - the situation is kind of entirely comprised of weirdness - but Jared thinks he might finally have accepted that and though he's still going to get awkward now and again, he expects to so it doesn't freak him out quite like it used to. And things between him and Jensen are better. In fact, they're good. They laugh and chat and tease each other and it's… comfortable. Jared is one of that rare breed of guys who doesn't wake up and curse the fact he has to go to work.
He makes a habit of seeing Sandy on Saturday nights, and finds he doesn't have all that much to say because every time he wants to say something it's about his job or about Jensen and he has to shut up again. Sandy gives him a couple of amused looks and tells him he looks like a goldfish when he keeps opening and shutting his mouth like that. But she's happy enough to carry the conversation and Jared is completely fine with simply basking in just how awesome she is and how awesome life in general is.
Chad tells him he's sick of Jared being such a ray of fucking sunshine. Jared grabs him in a headlock and scrubs his knuckles over Chad's head. There are benefits to having a couple of inches on your best friend.
:::
It's 10:45 on Wednesday morning and they're late. Jensen is still just buttoning up his shirt, fingers moving too slowly. There's a pale gray glow in the house from the soft rainfall outside. Jared finished his toast a while ago and is trying not to hurry Jensen but is all too conscious of the fact they should have been on the road ten minutes ago.
"Fuck!"
Jensen hisses it, half under his breath, but Jared hears it all the same. He straightens up from where he's slouched in the doorway and moves over to him. Jensen's standing in front of the mirror and his smoke-blue tie is an ugly knot about his throat. Jared hesitates, sees him fumbling with the strip of material, and then closes the gap between them.
"Here, let me," he says, turning Jensen towards him.
A protest starts to form on Jensen's lips and then dies away. Jensen stands there, docile but ever so slightly grumpy, and allows Jared to work the tie into a tidy knot. Standing so close, Jared can see purple-gray shadows beneath Jensen's eyes, sees his lashes lowered as he stares at nothing in particular. He wants to ask if there's something wrong but telling Jensen he looks like shit just before an appointment somehow doesn't seem tactful.
Besides, Jensen already seems on the edge of irritable and Jared's not planning on pushing him right over into it.
"There," he says, and gives the end of the tie a playful tweak which makes Jensen flash him a cursory, colorless smile. "All done."
"Thanks," says Jensen. He looks around for his jacket then frowns a little when he realises Jared has already gotten there and is holding it up for him to slip on.
Jensen's client today is a guy called Carter Rutherford III. The first time Jared heard the name he vaguely recognised it from somewhere. And meeting the guy, he'd got a vibe of seeing him somewhere before. It took him an additional three appointments with the guy to realise that he knew him as Senator Rutherford. He hasn't been a senator for a while now but he still gets squirrelly whenever Jensen and Jared turn up, like he's still expecting the press to be camped out at the front of the hotel.
He's the kind of guy who won't hold Jared's gaze for long - his eyes always dart away to land on some point on the wall or something. It puts Jared on edge because he can't trust someone who won't look at him but when he mentions it to Jensen, Jensen just laughs and says that someone can look Jared in the eye and lie to him as easily as they could avoid his eye and tell the truth.
Still, leaving the absence of eye-contact out of it, Rutherford doesn't exactly strike Jared as a risk. Rutherford flushes and fidgets, and never touches Jensen while Jared's in the room. Which, by Jared's estimation, means the guy's a closet case living in absolute terror of being outed, even while he makes use of a high-price prostitute. Pathetic, but not threatening. So Jared doesn't worry too much when thirty minutes after Rutherford 's already gone, Jensen hasn't come down from the room.
No, it's not until it's pushing on for forty minutes that Jared puts his Sudoku down and concentrates solely on the elevator and the staircase. He leans forward in his seat and watches for Jensen. Gradually, he starts wondering whether Rutherford seemed more jittery than usual when he went out. Did he particularly avoid looking in Jared's direction when he left?
Fifty minutes after Rutherford left and Jared is certain that Jensen cannot still be in the shower.
He doesn't think he has the patience to wait for the elevator, not with his heart thudding flat and hard against his breastbone. So he bounds up the stairs, long legs eating them up three at a time. For a second, his mind goes completely blank with panic and he can't remember which room Jensen's in. He can't think of anything beyond the fact it's almost an hour since Rutherford left and there's still no Jensen.
Turning about uselessly from door to door, Jared hooks around in his pants until he finds the keycard and stares at the number on it. 273. He picks up speed as he moves down the corridor, too intent on reaching Jensen to even register the people scurrying out of his way as he passes.
It takes him several tries to get the door to accept the keycard because his hands are shaking and he's ramming it into the slot too roughly for it to read. And then he's in the room and it's even harder to breathe because Jensen's laid out on the bed, not moving, the single sheet draped over him with almost artistic elegance not enough to disguise the fact he's still completely naked.
He's far too pale against the whiteness of the sheets and his eyes are closed, pink lips parted softly. One arm dangles loose over the edge of the bed, fingers slack and curling ever so slightly.
Jared drops to his knees by the bed and presses his fingers to Jensen's neck, searching for a pulse. He's let him down. He's let Jensen down. He was hired to protect Jensen and Jensen's lying still and ashen on the sheets. The delicate skin of his throat is warm and sticky. A pulse beats steadily beneath it.
"Jen?" says Jared, his voice sounding tiny and breakable in the silence of the room.
Jared starts breathing again as Jensen stirs, eyes fluttering open. He looks dreadful, but he's alive. Jared finally registers what the stickiness on his fingers is, the smears on Jensen's face and collarbone, the mess in his hair. This is what Jensen looks like when he's had an appointment but hasn't had his shower. This is the debauched, fucked out Jensen that Jared had kind of wanted to see, even if he'd been too ashamed to admit it even to himself.
And yeah, a freshly fucked Jensen would probably be a damn nice sight if he weren't also rocking the 'death warmed up' look.
"Was tired after Carter left… Just closed my eyes for a moment," says Jensen, voice slurred with sleep. He wets his lips and tries propping himself up on his elbows in order to sit up. He's too weak to manage it and Jared rocks forward on his knees to slide an arm around his shoulder to catch him.
There's more slipperiness of sweat and come when Jared touches Jensen but his fingers are splayed out between Jensen's shoulder-blades and Jensen may be filthy as fuck but he's also warm and smooth and hard to stop touching. Jared's stomach flip-flops unhelpfully as he takes Jensen's weight.
"You don't look so good, buddy," Jared says. He pushes some hair off Jensen's sweat-damp forehead and ducks his head to look Jensen properly in the face, taking in his half-hooded eyes and the pink splotches in his cheeks, feverish against his otherwise pallid complexion.
"Think I'm coming down with something. Jeez, poor old Carter. Hope he got his money's worth."
Jared's lips thin but he doesn't mention the numerous pieces of evidence, most of them beautifully marked on Jensen, that suggest Rutherford got exactly that. Instead, he helps Jensen swing his legs over the side of the bed and tactfully, abruptly averts his gaze as the sheet tugs free and Jared catches a glimpse of Jensen's muscular thighs, the angular, carved out lines of hipbones, and his cock, soft between his legs.
"You're shivering," Jared says. He tries to hold Jensen steady, one hand gripping his trembling shoulder while he reaches out with the other for Jensen's clothes.
"Nah, man," Jensen protests. "Gotta shower first."
He gets to his feet and wobbles precariously. Jared reaches out to grab him again but Jensen seems better now he's standing and more fully conscious. He ducks out of range and heads towards the slick, chrome bathroom, bouncing between the end of the bed, the corner of the dresser and the doorframe.
The idea of Jensen trying to shower, on his own, when he's obviously pretty sick, sounds downright dangerous to Jared. Unfortunately, the idea of Jared trying to help Jensen shower sounds even riskier. So he settles for pacing back and forth, listening to the water drumming off the tiles, and keeping up a steady chatter in order to get regular vocal confirmation from Jensen that he isn't dead.
"Don't ever do that to me again," he says. "I was freaking worried. Was about ready to hunt Rutherford down and kick his chubby little ass."
"Why?" Jensen's voice floats back, distant and muffled.
"I thought…" Jared pulls a face and rubs the back of his neck. It feels kind of stupid now because Rutherford is a sleaze but he really isn't the threatening type. "You didn't come down. I thought maybe…"
"Maybe I wasn't all right?" Jensen prompts. "Awww, that's sweet, Padalecki. But don't you worry. I can take care of myself just fine."
The water shuts off and Jared is keenly aware of the sounds of Jensen moving about in the bathroom. He can hear the rustle of a towel and then the slap of it hitting the floor. Then there's softer rustling, more like a whisper of fabric as Jensen redresses.
"Sure you can take care of yourself," Jared agrees when Jensen reappears. "S'why you were passed out on the bed, right?"
"Wasn't passed out. I was just… very asleep."
Even the shower hasn't put much healthy color in Jensen's cheeks. His eyes are dull and he's not particularly steady on his feet. He's safe enough walking that Jared doesn't think extreme measures are called for and therefore doesn't attempt to sling him over his shoulder and carry him out, but he keeps close and has a hand ready to catch Jensen if he starts pitching forward. The fact Jensen is apparently oblivious to Jared's watchfulness merely demonstrates how out of it he is.
In the car, Jared doesn't even ask where to - he simply pulls out onto the road and heads for Jensen's home.
When they pull up outside, Jensen turns in his seat to look him right in the eyes and says, "I swear to God, you try to put me to bed and I'll show you just how fucking feeble I'm not right now."
Jared puts his hands up in surrender but doesn't drive away until he's watched Jensen stumble all the way up to his front door, unlocked it and disappeared inside.
part four
Apparently, when Jensen has these weekend appointments, he takes them at a place just south of the city, where it's hot and hushed and Jared can see nothing but the colors of the sky - red and orange, pink and purple - bleeding endlessly into one another in all directions. They drive out Saturday morning, just before dawn, and Jensen sleeps most of the way. Jared keeps the radio turned down low and tries not to go too fast over any dips in the road.
The house is big and expensive, with a pool and a sheltering wall of large-leaved trees. Jared tries carrying Jensen's bag in for him and gets a good-natured swipe round the head for it and the bag taken out of his hand. Can carry my own luggage, dude, Jensen tells him, leading him into the house. Inside, it's all interesting objets d'art and designer furniture. The furniture is plush though, comfortable looking. Which, thinks Jared with a surprising rush of something sour in his mouth, it has to be if Jensen's going to be getting fucked on it for the next two days.
Wandering through the cool shady rooms together, Jensen gives Jared a quick tour of the house. There's the master bedroom with a huge en-suite, both of which seem like rooms full of nothing but sunshine and clean white surfaces. Further down the passage there's a much smaller bedroom with its own bath, both of which are more practically decorated. Still expensive, but not so much with the billowing white drapes and fat white cushions.
There's an open-plan kitchen and dining room and then a few other rooms that apparently have no designated purpose aside from providing extra space. The garden is large and simple, well-kept but dominated by the pool.
"You own this?" says Jared, finding Jensen laid out gracelessly on one of the loungers by the water. He realises he's standing in Jensen's sun and moves awkwardly to the side.
"Hell no. Belongs to the firm. Sam sends staff to get it ready for the appointment. Saves me all the fussing with it. Tell the truth, it's nice and all but it ain't my idea of a retreat. Too high maintenance. Need somewhere I can put my boots up on the coffee table and not get guilt pangs." Jensen glances at his watch and sits upright, a frown tightening his brows. "Man, Jeff'll be here any minute. Better get moving."
He disappears inside the house and Jared trails behind him with the intention of starting to fix some coffee but he stops when he sees Jensen checking his reflection in the mirror. He's leaning in to mess with his hair and examine some imaginary imperfection on his jaw. Then he turns away and through the door standing ajar, Jared sees him fiddling with the blankets on the bed, turning them back and smoothing them down, lips pursed in concentration. It's not as though Jensen doesn’t take care to appear his best for his clients and he's always very alert to their preferences. But this is something more.
From the unstinting cheerfulness Jensen has displayed, which grew the closer they came to the weekend, Jared's picked up that the guy they're expecting is one of Jensen's favorites. Favorite period, perhaps, if his casual admission that he'd be fucking him even without money changing hands can be believed. Jared's not sure. He knows that Jensen has clients he's reasonably fond of - fond like he would be of a pet of some kind, something boring but reliable like a long-lived goldfish - and some that he really hates and has to soothe himself after seeing them by grumbling and bitching for an hour or two. But, as far as Jared's aware, Jensen doesn't have any clients he'd fuck if they weren't paying him.
So, yeah, Jared's curious to meet Jeff. He's also determined to hate the guy on principle. Which, as it turns out, is difficult when Jeff turns out to be a fundamentally awesome guy.
At the crunch of a truck pulling in outside, Jensen rushes past Jared and goes out to meet it. Doing his damnedest not to appear sullen, Jared goes out with him, shielding his eyes against the sun as he gets his first look at Jeff. Jeff is climbing out of his truck, which is an agreeably beat-up looking vehicle that Jared approves of without wanting to. One shoulder has a duffel bag hooked over it, but Jeff uses his other arm to catch Jensen in a one-armed hug and clap him on the back.
"Hey there, boy! You missed me?" Jeff says. He's solidly built, has dark warm eyes and a low, gravelly voice that Jared stubbornly refuses to define as smouldering.
"You been somewhere?" says Jensen.
Laughing, Jeff hooks his arm around Jensen's shoulder and they walk together back towards the house, where Jared is waiting in the shade of the porch. Their gait slows slightly as they approach him and Jeff lets Jensen go. Jensen hangs back, watching the two of them, as Jeff cocks his head at Jared. His expression isn't unfriendly but Jared's willing to bet Jeff's scrutiny is more intense than it seems.
"Well hey now," says Jeff, holding out a hand to Jared. "You must be Jared."
"Jared's my…" Jensen shifts, mildly exasperated and changes direction with his introduction. "I guess Sam explained it to you."
"She sure did," Jeff says as Jared takes his hand and gives it a good, firm shake. He shoots a glance at Jensen and then looks back at Jared, a smile on his face that Jared finds impossible not to mirror. "I bet he gave you hell. You're a brave guy for not running for the hills."
"Yeah, you try being given a babysitter when you're twenty-freaking-eight," says Jensen. "See how you like it." But he grins at Jared to lessen the sting of it. "Guess I should just count myself lucky Sam got me something nice to look at and talk to."
"She's a very thoughtful lady," Jeff agrees gravely, eyes bright.
It's the second time in a week that Jensen has indirectly referred to Jared as good-looking. It's making him itchy under the skin. It makes him want to make Jensen write it down on a piece of paper and sign it just so that he has proof of it and can get used to it, stop reacting to it every time he hears it. Desperately, he hopes that Jensen has absolutely no idea that he's bringing out the crazy in Jared in this way, because then he might stop saying it. Or worse, he might say it more often and Jared can make no guarantees about his behavior if that happens.
"Well, I guess you and I got plenty of catching up to do," says Jensen. He splays his hand over Jeff's chest as he says it and it's the first gesture that gives it away that the relationship is not exactly the friendship between two good old boys that they play. "Been too long, old man."
Cheeks coloring, Jared ducks back inside the house and heads straight for the kitchen, which will conveniently put his back to Jensen and Jeff disappearing into their bedroom together. He fishes around in the cabinets until he finds a cup and when he turns around is surprised to see Jensen standing right behind him. Jeff's nowhere in sight and Jared gestures vaguely with the coffee pot.
"Want some?" he says.
Jensen shakes his head and moves past him to browse the bowl of fruit, all fresh and immaculate articles. After a long moment's perusal he selects an apple, unblemished green skin shining like it's painted on.
"Got you something," he says. He drops a fat, paperback book entitled 1,000 Sudoku Pro Puzzles, and Other Number-Crunching Mindbenders on the kitchen table. Flashes Jared a grin as he takes a large, crunchy bite out of the apple and walks out.
Jared's still staring at the book by the time his coffee's grown cold.
:::
Mostly, it's not so bad. The house is big enough that Jared can keep the hell out of the way. The afternoon passes and Jared sticks to his room because he's not one hundred percent certain he's not going to walk in on any scenes that look like they've been ripped straight from some hardcore porn movie. He does his Sudoku and enjoys the fact he's being paid for taking a vacation.
At one point, there's a sudden series of wall-rattling thumps and some cursing, groaning and moaning that leaves very little doubt as to what it is Jared's hearing. He doesn't spend long enough listening to it to separate out the sounds Jeff's making from the ones Jensen's making and resolutely sticks the buds of his headphones in his ears and puts his iPod on. He rolls over onto his belly on his bed and when he next dares take his headphones out, all is quiet again.
When evening rolls in, there's a light knock on his door and he finds Jensen waiting there, fully dressed, if a little dishevelled with his hair mussed and the buttons on his shirt done up wrong. He grins at Jared, easy and open, and says, "You gonna join us for dinner? Jeff's making chilli and you don’t wanna miss that. Separates the men from the boys, does Jeff's chilli."
This has the potential to be excruciatingly awkward. Jeff is there to fuck Jensen, they have been fucking, and now apparently Jared's invited to come sit in a room with them. Instinctively, Jared starts to decline and it must show because Jensen's face falls just slightly, smile dying, and Jared gives in. Jensen's enough of a pro not to do anything - like inviting Jared in to dinner - that hasn't got the stamp of approval from whoever is currently paying for his time.
"Sure," says Jared. "If you're positive I'm not gonna be in the way …?"
Jensen claps him on the arm and shakes his head, tugs him out of the room.
"'Course not. Anyway, Jeff's chilli is one hell of an event. You don't get a pass on this one, Padalecki. He'd be dragging you out here if I hadn't."
When they reach the kitchen, Jeff looks up from the pot he's leaning over and gives Jared a friendly smile. It's enough to put Jared's mind a little more at rest. The kitchen is bathed in the inviting orange glow of a couple of lamps, accented by the huge, dark blue night beyond the windows. The chilli smells rich and good, and there's a bottle of red wine on the table, three glasses in a cluster beside it.
"Pull up a chair," says Jeff. "I'm almost done."
Jared takes a seat, shifting his legs out of the way as Jensen moves round him to set out some plates. He feels uncomfortable being waited on like this by Jensen and Jeff, so he reaches for the wine and works the cork free. Jared doesn't have to read the label on the bottle to know it's expensive. The scent of it hits his nose as he pours some into each of the three glasses. The wine splashes, thin and red, into the crystal clear glass and Jared wonders if he could actually get accustomed to living like this. He wonders if Jensen could give up this lifestyle up.
As it turns out, being a good cook is just one more of Jeff's qualities that makes it hard for Jared to dislike him. The chilli's awesome, even if it feels like it's taking a layer of skin off his throat. Both Jensen and Jeff watch Jared take his first mouthful. As his eyes widen and he gulps in breath against the sudden burn, Jeff chuckles and Jensen nudges his glass of wine towards him, which Jared takes a grateful swallow from.
"Gets you good, doesn’t it?" says Jensen, the skin at the corners of his eyes crinkling as he grins at Jared.
"Like a kick in the chest," says Jared.
"I like my chilli to fight back," Jeff says. He picks up his glass, wine glinting jewel-like in the light. He starts to lift it to his lips but stops, raising an eyebrow at Jared. "Not too hot for you, is it, boy?"
It should sound like a challenge, like Jared's got to defend his manly pride and wolf the plateful of chilli down in a single mouthful, just to prove the point. But it doesn't come across that way somehow. It's playful rather than jeering. Jared grins and raises a forkful in mock-salute.
"Think I can handle it."
The meal passes without any of the awkwardness Jared was expecting. Well, except for the one moment, when Jensen leans back in his chair to reach the basket of cornbread on the counter and his shirt rumples, and Jared can see the rosy, red and purple marks that Jeff's mouth has left along Jensen's collarbone. Jared flushes and drops his gaze but when he looks up, Jeff's watching him, his expression serious. Neither of them says anything and Jensen remains entirely oblivious to the exchange. And Jeff drops so quickly back into conversation with Jensen that it's easy for Jared to pretend nothing happened.
Besides that, everything else is easy and unstrained. Jeff and Jensen are not ridiculously obvious about the fact they're spending whatever time they're not with Jared fucking each other's brains out. Jeff is not all handsy with Jensen, doesn't make any innuendo-laden remarks and Jensen doesn't flirt or play Jeff any of the ways he plays his other clients.
But after dinner, while Jared helps Jensen stack the plates in the dishwasher and Jeff finishes his wine, Jared can't help noticing how frequently Jeff's gaze is on Jensen and he makes a quick escape back to his room.
On the whole though, as Jared stretches out in the luxuriously comfortable bed, toes smoothing over the expensive sheets, he finds it pretty easy to pretend he's just on a perfectly normal holiday with someone who isn't paying the other someone for sex.
:::
A light in the garden flashes on outside and startles Jared to consciousness. The sound of rippling water drifts in through his open window. It's almost restful except for the occasional low murmur of voices. And Jared moves to the window and makes the fatal mistake of looking outside.
They're fucking. For some reason, the sight manages to surprise Jared.
Jeff and Jensen are in the pool together, their bodies painted in angles and planes by he pointed contrast of the poolside lights against the shadows. Jensen is braced against the poolside wall, Jeff crowding in behind him, broad chest pushed to Jensen's back. One of Jeff's hands rests on Jensen's throat, fingers sprawled out and flexing over his windpipe in simple dominance. His mouth is pressed to Jensen's ear and Jared can see his lips moving, can imagine that low, scorching voice whispering sweet filth to him. Jeff's hand moves up to Jensen's forehead, smoothing back the wet strands of his hair clinging to the skin, and draws Jensen's head back against his shoulder. The move bares his neck for Jeff's mouth and Jensen traps his lower lip between his teeth as Jeff ducks his head to nuzzle and bite.
More bruises, more marks, thinks Jared in a detached part of his brain.
Strange shadows flicker and dance over the shifting surface of the pool and though the water comes up to their middles, the sudden snap of Jeff's hips and the way Jensen arches back against him, eyes fluttering wide and mouth falling open, don't leave much to the imagination.
Jared swallows hard - watching Jeff curl an arm around Jensen's middle, hauling him back against him, and watching Jensen scrabble against the side of the pool and push back into him. He's craning desperately to tilt his face back to Jeff and, tenderly cradling Jensen's jaw in his hand, Jeff catches Jensen's mouth with his and kisses him. It's a brutal kiss, Jeff licking and biting Jensen's lips, but Jensen can’t seem to get enough of it, twisting back into it every time Jeff starts to pull away.
Feeling wretched and miserably angry, Jared listens to the splashing of the water grow louder as Jeff's hips work harder, slamming against Jensen as his hands move restlessly over him, fingers digging in bruisingly to the flesh to hold Jensen steady as he fucks him. And though it's Jensen's job to make it look like he's loving the cock up his ass, to moan and shiver and act like all he ever wants is that cock up his ass, Jared has a swift, bitter moment of hating Jensen. Hates him for so obviously enjoying his job right now.
:::
By morning, after he's had a shower and jerked off - thinking resolutely of fucking into the clenching heat of a faceless, nameless nobody - Jared thinks he's got himself back in line. He has a serious discussion with himself in his head while he's fixing himself some breakfast.
So the crush on Jensen is no longer burgeoning but very much in existence. If he's honest, it's nothing he didn’t already know. And he's come face to face with the reality of Jensen's profession and responded poorly to it. He's not planning on throwing in the towel. It's good money and now he's passed this little trial, he can handle it. He knows how Jensen looks when he's being fucked. And yeah, if he thinks about it too long and in too much detail, he can feel his cock give an interested twitch.
So he just won't think about it. Simple.
He even succeeds in being friendly to Jeff when he comes into the kitchen because Jared's a reasonable guy and he knows it's not Jeff's fault. Still, doesn't mean he's exactly comfortable with the long, steady look Jeff gives him over coffee. Perhaps, he thinks with a sick lurch in his belly, Jeff saw him watching last night. And that would be awkward. Any conversation about Jared watching Jeff take advantage of the services he'd paid for is going to be excruciatingly awkward and there's not enough coffee in the world to get Jared through it.
"I'll give you one million dollars if you can get him to give this up," Jeff says finally.
"Buh?" Jared says intelligently.
"All right," Jeff says, grinning. "You twisted my arm. One point five million." As Jared goes on staring at him, Jeff's grin fades and he shifts in his chair, taking a slow sip of his coffee. "You think I don't know this isn't exactly a suitable profession for him? I know. He won't listen to me. Might listen to you."
"But… But you still…" Still fuck him. It's there in the air, even if Jared doesn't say it.
"So long as he's on the market, I'm gonna take advantage, sure I am. But he can't keep doing this, Jared. You and I both know it. Only a matter of time before he ends up getting hurt and he's not gonna bounce back like he did last time."
There's that reference again, to what Sam had called a 'nasty incident'. It occurs to Jared that it's precisely the thing he's supposed to be guarding Jensen against and yet he has no idea what it is. As if reading his mind, Jeff waves his hand dismissively and says, "Doesn’t matter. What matters is that someone talk some sense into that thick skull of his."
"Why don’t you offer him the one point five million?"
Jeff raises an eyebrow at him, mouth stretching into a grin. "You think I haven't? I have. Offered him a whole lot more besides. Takes it as my clumsy-ass attempt at rescuing him. And he doesn't need that. He needs to get his head in gear and figure out what he wants to do with his life that doesn't require him being flat on his back or on all fours."
:::
By hiding in his room, Jared doesn't see Jensen until the late afternoon when Jeff is leaving. He saw them through his window earlier, sitting by the pool instead of fucking in it. Jared watched long enough to see Jeff reach out to lay his hand over the clasped knot of Jensen's hands. Jeff said something that made Jensen look up abruptly. It didn't look like a happy expression on Jensen's face and he pulled his hands out from under Jeff's. Jeff just smiled and leant in to kiss him, and that's when Jared turned away.
It's after four o'clock when Jeff packs up and leaves. He shakes Jared's hand and nods at him.
"You take care of our boy, okay?" Jeff says to Jared. "And yourself too. Get yourself out of this and find a proper job."
It's said with warmth and something like genuine good feeling but Jensen's lips go thin at the comment. Jeff ignores the look Jensen shoots him and Jared busies himself with adjusting the hem of his t-shirt instead of watching Jeff and Jensen make their goodbyes.
After Jeff's gone, truck disappearing over the sun-drenched horizon, Jensen packs up, locks the house and walks out to where Jared is already waiting in the car.
The drive back is quiet because Jensen seems to have drawn in on himself again. It’s a tendency in his personality Jared's noticed before and he's not sure what to make of it. It's in his own nature to prod and poke until Jensen tells him what he's thinking about but, equally, he kind of accepts the quirk as just another part of Jensen. So they don't talk beyond idle observations on the passing scenery or the crap playing on the radio.
By the time they reach the outskirts of the city, Jared's so relaxed in the companionable hush that he physically startles when Jensen speaks.
"I'm guessing Jeff offered you money to make me quit." Jensen meets Jared's surprised look with a wry smile. "He's done it before, with Sam and… other people. And if he ever finds out my momma's number, God help me 'cos he'll do it to her too."
"Yeah," says Jared, after a beat.
"And?" says Jensen, when it becomes clear Jared isn't volunteering any more on the subject. "You planning on trying to take him up on it?"
"No. No, we didn't get very far in the conversation. I said… uh, I said if he wanted you to quit, he should offer you the money."
Jensen rolls his eyes but it doesn't look to be directed at Jared. His features seem softer, more vulnerable in the shimmering light of dusk.
"He's done that too."
"Yeah," says Jared. "He said he had." There's a pause before Jared wets his lips and says, "You said before you'd give this up if you could. Well, couldn't you with the money Jeff'd give you?"
The silence stretches on so long that Jared stops expecting an answer. Jensen doesn't seem to be looking at anything in particular, certainly not at Jared. Finally, he sighs and says, "What happens between me and Jeff is an exchange. It's equal. He gives me money, I fuck him. I don't owe him anything. If I let him buy me out of this, I'm going to owe him forever."
"I don't think Jeff'd see it like that. I don't think he'd… expect anything in return."
"No," Jensen agrees. "I don’t think he would either. But if he did, I'd feel obliged to let him have it. And I'd always know that I owed him. When I retire, it's going to be because I've earned it."
It's an oddly depressing conversation and Jared tastes that bitterness in his mouth again, tinged with wretchedness. He doesn't push Jensen for more and concentrates on the road, cutting away from the ever-present awareness of Jensen being near him.
"You didn’t tell me how your date went," Jensen says into the silence.
Jared pauses, considers it, then grins.
"Good, man. Really good."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah." He thinks that should be it but Jensen's still watching him, one eyebrow arched. Jared shrugs, not sure what Jensen's waiting for him to say. "I dunno. It's nothing serious for either of us yet but… I think maybe I'd like it to be. I don't know if she feels the same but… well, we'll see how it works out, won't we?"
He carries on grinning, even if it does grow slightly uncertain as Jensen goes on watching him. Too much goes on in Jensen's head that Jared isn't made aware of. It's like reading a book with half the pages torn out. Sometimes, he'll think Jensen's just zoned out and then he'll say something and Jared'll realise that Jensen's been thinking. He thinks way too deeply and way too much.
Eventually, he grunts and says, "Actress or model?"
"Actress. Awesome one."
"Yeah? What’s she been in?"
Jared pulls a face and lifts a shoulder in half a shrug. "Uh… probably nothing you've seen."
"You mean she doesn't exactly stink of the sweet smell of success?"
There's a cruel sharpness in his tone, something that Jared doesn't think he's ever heard before, that instantly attracts his full attention. His gaze snaps to Jensen. Jensen's staring out of the window, face tilted away from him, but for a moment, Jared thinks he detects a faint flush in his cheeks.
The whole weekend has just been way too weird.
:::
"So, aside from driving him around and keeping the other kids playing nice with him, do you have to carry his purse full of lube and condoms around?"
Jared doesn’t answer for a long time and then he says, "I'm trying to work out on how many levels that's offensive. I've definitely got three and I think it's best for everyone if I stop counting. Before I have to, y'know, kick your ass for being such an offensive little shit."
Chad laughs obnoxiously and doesn't apologise.
"Yeah, yeah. When do I get to meet him?" he demands.
"Oh you totally don't ever get to. I think he may currently have some respect for me. No way I'm gonna screw that one up and introduce him to you. Anyway…" Jared trails off and considers the last few weeks with Jensen. "Things are kind of… weird right now. Just… weird. I'm gonna take some days off, go home."
Chad's only the second person Jared's mentioned this plan to. Sam was the first and Sandy's the third. Jensen's fourth.
"Oh," Jensen says when Jared tells him at a café in between appointments. "Yeah, that's cool. Take as long as you need."
"It's not going to be long. Sam's gonna look through your appointment book. Make sure you've got a light week."
Jensen rolls his eyes and goes back to shredding a napkin. He already has a roll in crumbs on his plate. "I managed before you came along. You're not gonna come back and find me on crutches or with my arm in a sling."
"Better not," says Jared, who has finished his chicken salad sub and is now eyeing what's left untouched on Jensen's plate.
"I mean, that's supposing you're coming back," Jensen says in a casual tone of voice. He starts neatly removing the label from his bottle of mineral water and ripping it into shreds. He glances up and meets Jared's eyes, the question in them clear even if he doesn’t want to say it.
With an expression of great daring, Jared reaches across and steals the muffin Jensen's about to start in on demolishing. He breaks off a piece and shoves it into his mouth.
"See you in a week, Jen."
After Jared's picked him up from his last appointment of the day, Jensen goes with him to the airport. He hangs close but quiet, and Jared is both grateful for the company and acutely aware of the fact that he's going to miss Jensen. It's going to be better once he gets back though. They need some time apart for whatever weird energy's built up between them since Jeff's visit to fade away. When Jared gets back everything'll be back to normal.
During the flight, Jared finishes the last of the Sudoku puzzles in the book Jensen gave him. Since he took it up, he's become pretty much a master at Sudoku, confident enough to fill in the answers in pen from the start without bothering to pencil them in tentatively first. Once the book's completed, there's not much point keeping it but Jared doesn't want to throw it in the trash. He can't help imagining Jensen in the store, choosing it for him. It's an embarrassing little souvenir but it has significance. Jared smoothes out the cover and tucks it back into his bag.
His mom picks him up from the airport and he enjoys the drive home just because it's safe, uncomplicated territory. His older brother isn't around, but both Megan and their dad are and he sits at the family table with them and has his first home cooked meal in he doesn't know how long. Obviously he can't avoid talking about his life back in Los Angeles but he keeps it as neutral and stress-free as possible, because this is his home, his escape from all the mess back there with Jensen.
"How's the job going?" his mom says, spooning peas onto his plate.
"It’s good."
"What's your boss like?" Megan throws in through a mouthful of chicken.
"She's nice."
There's a pause as his family registers his obvious lack of desire to talk about it. Conversation moves on to Megan's studying and the girl that Jeff's seeing now. Jared lets it wash over him, puts in comments here and there, and then, afterwards, helps with the dishes and goes to sit on the terrace and drink beer with his dad. The night sky is smooth and purple, dotted with the sparkle of stars. Los Angeles feels like another planet right now and Jared tries to back away from thinking about L.A. but all too soon he's wondering if Jensen's working tonight, who he's seeing, whether he'll drive himself there or whether Sam'll find someone else to accompany him in Jared's place.
"You all right, kid?" his dad says.
"Yeah, I'm fine."
"Really? You’re pretty quiet. Not used to you not talking my ear off."
Jared laughs and scratches the back of his neck, swatting away a fly.
"Just tired." His dad's look is way too penetrating and Jared shakes his head, doesn't meet his gaze. "Glad to be home."
After a moment, his dad claps him on the shoulder and goes back to his beer.
"Good to have you back. Your mom misses you something awful with you all the way out there." He pauses, then adds in a gruff voice, "And, 'course, I do too."
The silence is simple and blessed. Jared lets the knot of tension and want that's been winding itself deep down in his belly unravel, just for a little while. There are hours between him and Jensen so it's no good thinking about him. He chugs his beer slowly, tilting his head back to catch the last dribble. Then he sets the bottle down and says, "I've met someone, Dad."
"Yeah?" His dad shoots him a pleased, sidelong glance. "What's her name?"
"Sandy," Jared says swiftly. "Her name's Sandy."
It's the end of the conversation.
:::
Even though it's not that many years since Jared left home, waking up in his old room still leaves him disoriented for a moment. He stares at the ceiling and takes a deep breath. There's no one else moving in the house; it's pure, blessed silence. He stretches out over clean, cotton sheets and for the first time in a long while, doesn't feel totally overwhelmed and out of his depth.
He rolls over onto his side and fumbles about on the nightstand by his bed for his cellphone. The light of the screen is insignificant in the soft light of very early morning and Jared scrolls through his contacts to Jensen. Propping himself up on his elbow, Jared's thumb rests over the keypad. It's ass-crack early and three hours earlier than that where Jensen is. Jared doesn't know what he'd say to him, doesn't know how he'd apologise for waking him. He sighs and scrolls further down to Sam.
There's an easy way out of this mess. Jared simply has to call Sam up and tell her that it's not working out, thank her for taking a chance on him. He could ask her to send his best wishes to Jensen and Sam's a smart woman, she'd think of something to tell Jensen to explain Jared's resignation. Something that wouldn't hurt Jensen. He'd never have to see or hear from Jensen again. He could get back to going on auditions and maybe get a job that isn’t illegal and didn't involve people getting fucked for money.
He throws the cellphone down on the nightstand and flops onto his back. If he knows anything about Jensen, it's that he makes very bad decisions. Someone with sense, someone grounded, needs to be around to keep him from making too many of them. Jared signed up for that responsibility. He can totally handle it.
:::
Time away, at home with his family, was precisely what Jared needed. By the end of the week, he's cheerful, chatty and back to his usual self. His mom pinches his cheek and tells him it's good to see some color in him again.
"I bet you're not eating right. Not taking proper care of yourself. Pizza isn't one of the five food groups, honey," she tells him sternly at the airport, as she and Megan see him off.
The flight passes quickly because Jared's stocked up on yet more Sudoku and has branched out into some of the similar puzzles, just for the variety. And when he gets through Arrivals in L.A., Jensen's waiting for him. He'd left Jensen a voicemail the night before, telling him what time he'd get in, but he hadn't actually expected him to turn up. He's in casual wear, which makes think Jared think he hasn't been working today. He's wearing sunglasses and a baseball cap tugged down low and Jared wonders for a moment if he's trying to look like a celebrity incognito. Then he sees how he's always awkwardly trying to shift out of people's way and guesses he's just bad with crowds.
"Hey, Jensen," Jared says, his accent feeling thicker than usual and lingering over the shape of his name. He hasn't said it even once while he was with his family. It feels good to be back on his tongue.
"Hey, man! You look good! Home cooking, right? I swear there's no better fix than my mom's beef stew. C'mon, I got the car parked out front."
He's actually excited to see Jared, Jared realises with numb satisfaction. He's missed Jared, just like Jared's missed him. He dumps his bag in the back seat and then, with great ceremony and a grin, Jensen returns the car keys to him. Then he frowns, keeping his hand outstretched.
"Unless you're too tired? I can drive if you are. I just thought-"
"S'fine," says Jared, opening the driver's door and climbing in. "It'd feel too weird being driven by you anyway."
And it feels right to be in the car with Jensen. Home has been great but it's also made him appreciate the simple pleasure of spending time like this with Jensen, a guy who's a good friend even if his career is crazy and Jared has an inconvenient crush on him. They drive back into the bustle of the city and as frequently as Jared finds himself glancing towards Jensen, he finds Jensen looking back.
"How was the week?" Jared says.
"Quiet. Only took three appointments. Spent the rest of the time chilling out with the boys. It was good. Think I needed it. How about you?"
"It was awesome. Good to see the family. And mom didn't let me go more than five minutes at a time without feeding me." Jared pats his belly appreciatively. "Gonna suck to have to go back to take-out."
"You could always cook for yourself, y'know," says Jensen. "Not like it's a choice between take-out or starvation, is it?" He pauses and then shrugs, expression bland. "Tell you what, come to my place and I'll make you dinner."
"Yeah?" says Jared, grinning helplessly.
"Yeah. Not promising haute cuisine or anything but… should ease you gently back in to life without mom's cooking. Stave off the withdrawal symptoms a little longer."
Somehow, dinner is a much more intimate proposition than breakfast. Jared's used to having breakfast at Jensen's but having dinner with him seems entirely more personal. The urge to put his foot to the floor and get them to Jensen's in record time before he can do the sensible thing and decline is overwhelming. Still, getting stopped for speeding would be a considerable delay. Besides, Jared's only just got back from a break designed to bring his feelings for Jensen back to something more reasonable and more easily handled; he's not going to get stupid about him again within an hour of being back in his company.
While Jensen makes a dish of pasta - lightly cooked shells that glisten with melted butter, topped with steamed vegetables - Jared props himself up against the counter and waxes lyrical about San Antonio. Jensen puts in a few comments of his own, about how Dallas is the same or different. The idea of growing up only a few hours from where Jensen was growing up is almost surreal.
"I think it was destiny," says Jared. Jensen shoots him a slightly confused look and Jared straightens a little and tries to explain. "I mean, both of us coming from Texas and meeting up here, in L.A. C'mon, what are the chances of that?"
Having said it, it strikes Jared as not actually all that remarkable at all but Jensen just grins and is nice enough not to call him on it. He ushers Jared into a chair and sets a plate in front of him, then takes a seat across the table from him. They eat in comfortable silence, broken only by the clatter of forks against china and Jared's loud noises of appreciation. He tries to cut it out when he catches Jensen watching him but Jensen's smile isn't mocking so much as entertained.
When they finish eating, Jared sets his fork down neatly and leans back in his chair. He feels full and content, an almost drunken feeling of satisfaction coming over him due to the combination of good food and good company. It makes him say things he wouldn't necessarily say if he were in his right mind.
"You missed me then," he says smugly. "Didn't want me around at first. And then I take a week off and you miss me."
Jensen arches an eyebrow at him but he's still grinning.
"You think maybe it's a case of 'better the devil you know'?" He shrugs, affecting serious contemplation. "Maybe I wanted you back because you seemed the better alternative to the pains in the ass Sam might hire to follow me around. You think maybe that might be closer to the truth? None of this 'missing you' crap?"
Jared meets his gaze with a deeply unimpressed frown. Jensen shrugs and takes a long swallow of wine.
"Oh, all right, maybe I missed you."
It's enough of a concession to put Jared in one hell of a good mood.
:::
The first job back is Dan Williams. Jared is kind of dreading it because, okay, maybe Dan sent Sam an awesome bouquet of pink tulips, but Sam wasn't the one who told Dan he was too drunk and couldn't have his two hours with Jensen. Still, Jensen's all ready to go, sitting quiet and apparently calm in the car beside him, and Jared can only have faith in the fact Sam wouldn't have let Dan book time with Jensen if he sounded like he was going to make trouble.
All the same, Jared accompanies Jensen into Dan's house and Dan seems to expect it. Dan doesn't look drunk and he meets Jared's gaze squarely, even reaches out to shake his hand.
"God, man, I'm really sorry about last time," he says, rubbing the back of his neck. "I'd had a crappy day and was just trying to wind down. Didn't mean to drink that much. You were totally right to cancel the appointment. You can believe me: it won’t happen again."
All of this is directed at Jared, while Jensen lingers just barely through the doorway, hands curled in loose fists against his thighs. It's uncomfortable as hell and only gets worse when Dan turns to Jensen. He cups Jensen's face in his hands and leans in, resting their foreheads together. Jensen goes with it in one smooth move but still doesn't speak.
"Baby, you gotta know I'd never hurt you, right?" His voice is smooth and coaxing. He rubs his thumb along Jensen's jawline, backwards and forwards as if trying to leave a mark. "I'm gonna make it up to you, yeah? Gonna take such good care of you."
"Right, I'll leave you to… I'll leave you two," says Jared and makes a hasty exit.
He waits in the car, keeping a close eye on the front door of Dan's house, waiting for Jensen to reappear. Despite the creepy attempt to sweet-talk Jensen, Dan seemed sincerely contrite and Jared supposes he should stop worrying and relax with his Sudoku. He can't quite manage it though and has scribbled only a few numbers in by the time Jensen comes down the drive to the SUV.
He climbs in and shoots Jared a mildly ill at ease smile.
"Well that was… Jeez, I think I’d've preferred him drunk." Jensen gives a short but genuine laugh and Jared catches it, a swell of relief going through him at Jensen's apparent good humor.
"Really?"
"Totally," says Jensen. "Apologetic sex is… not something I want to repeat. It's just freakin' weird."
"All right, from now on I'll let you have sex with drunks so long as they're totally unapologetic about it."
Jensen looks at Jared, takes in Jared's very straight face and rolls his eyes. "Oh, bite me," he says, but it's entirely lacking in venom.
"Can't," says Jared as he starts up the car. "You've got an appointment with Bob and I can't send you along all marked up now, can I?"
He gives Jensen a grin as he pulls out onto the road.
:::
At the end of the week, Jared is thoroughly convinced that taking the time away and going back to San Antonio was one of his best plans ever. So things still have moments of weirdness - the situation is kind of entirely comprised of weirdness - but Jared thinks he might finally have accepted that and though he's still going to get awkward now and again, he expects to so it doesn't freak him out quite like it used to. And things between him and Jensen are better. In fact, they're good. They laugh and chat and tease each other and it's… comfortable. Jared is one of that rare breed of guys who doesn't wake up and curse the fact he has to go to work.
He makes a habit of seeing Sandy on Saturday nights, and finds he doesn't have all that much to say because every time he wants to say something it's about his job or about Jensen and he has to shut up again. Sandy gives him a couple of amused looks and tells him he looks like a goldfish when he keeps opening and shutting his mouth like that. But she's happy enough to carry the conversation and Jared is completely fine with simply basking in just how awesome she is and how awesome life in general is.
Chad tells him he's sick of Jared being such a ray of fucking sunshine. Jared grabs him in a headlock and scrubs his knuckles over Chad's head. There are benefits to having a couple of inches on your best friend.
:::
It's 10:45 on Wednesday morning and they're late. Jensen is still just buttoning up his shirt, fingers moving too slowly. There's a pale gray glow in the house from the soft rainfall outside. Jared finished his toast a while ago and is trying not to hurry Jensen but is all too conscious of the fact they should have been on the road ten minutes ago.
"Fuck!"
Jensen hisses it, half under his breath, but Jared hears it all the same. He straightens up from where he's slouched in the doorway and moves over to him. Jensen's standing in front of the mirror and his smoke-blue tie is an ugly knot about his throat. Jared hesitates, sees him fumbling with the strip of material, and then closes the gap between them.
"Here, let me," he says, turning Jensen towards him.
A protest starts to form on Jensen's lips and then dies away. Jensen stands there, docile but ever so slightly grumpy, and allows Jared to work the tie into a tidy knot. Standing so close, Jared can see purple-gray shadows beneath Jensen's eyes, sees his lashes lowered as he stares at nothing in particular. He wants to ask if there's something wrong but telling Jensen he looks like shit just before an appointment somehow doesn't seem tactful.
Besides, Jensen already seems on the edge of irritable and Jared's not planning on pushing him right over into it.
"There," he says, and gives the end of the tie a playful tweak which makes Jensen flash him a cursory, colorless smile. "All done."
"Thanks," says Jensen. He looks around for his jacket then frowns a little when he realises Jared has already gotten there and is holding it up for him to slip on.
Jensen's client today is a guy called Carter Rutherford III. The first time Jared heard the name he vaguely recognised it from somewhere. And meeting the guy, he'd got a vibe of seeing him somewhere before. It took him an additional three appointments with the guy to realise that he knew him as Senator Rutherford. He hasn't been a senator for a while now but he still gets squirrelly whenever Jensen and Jared turn up, like he's still expecting the press to be camped out at the front of the hotel.
He's the kind of guy who won't hold Jared's gaze for long - his eyes always dart away to land on some point on the wall or something. It puts Jared on edge because he can't trust someone who won't look at him but when he mentions it to Jensen, Jensen just laughs and says that someone can look Jared in the eye and lie to him as easily as they could avoid his eye and tell the truth.
Still, leaving the absence of eye-contact out of it, Rutherford doesn't exactly strike Jared as a risk. Rutherford flushes and fidgets, and never touches Jensen while Jared's in the room. Which, by Jared's estimation, means the guy's a closet case living in absolute terror of being outed, even while he makes use of a high-price prostitute. Pathetic, but not threatening. So Jared doesn't worry too much when thirty minutes after Rutherford 's already gone, Jensen hasn't come down from the room.
No, it's not until it's pushing on for forty minutes that Jared puts his Sudoku down and concentrates solely on the elevator and the staircase. He leans forward in his seat and watches for Jensen. Gradually, he starts wondering whether Rutherford seemed more jittery than usual when he went out. Did he particularly avoid looking in Jared's direction when he left?
Fifty minutes after Rutherford left and Jared is certain that Jensen cannot still be in the shower.
He doesn't think he has the patience to wait for the elevator, not with his heart thudding flat and hard against his breastbone. So he bounds up the stairs, long legs eating them up three at a time. For a second, his mind goes completely blank with panic and he can't remember which room Jensen's in. He can't think of anything beyond the fact it's almost an hour since Rutherford left and there's still no Jensen.
Turning about uselessly from door to door, Jared hooks around in his pants until he finds the keycard and stares at the number on it. 273. He picks up speed as he moves down the corridor, too intent on reaching Jensen to even register the people scurrying out of his way as he passes.
It takes him several tries to get the door to accept the keycard because his hands are shaking and he's ramming it into the slot too roughly for it to read. And then he's in the room and it's even harder to breathe because Jensen's laid out on the bed, not moving, the single sheet draped over him with almost artistic elegance not enough to disguise the fact he's still completely naked.
He's far too pale against the whiteness of the sheets and his eyes are closed, pink lips parted softly. One arm dangles loose over the edge of the bed, fingers slack and curling ever so slightly.
Jared drops to his knees by the bed and presses his fingers to Jensen's neck, searching for a pulse. He's let him down. He's let Jensen down. He was hired to protect Jensen and Jensen's lying still and ashen on the sheets. The delicate skin of his throat is warm and sticky. A pulse beats steadily beneath it.
"Jen?" says Jared, his voice sounding tiny and breakable in the silence of the room.
Jared starts breathing again as Jensen stirs, eyes fluttering open. He looks dreadful, but he's alive. Jared finally registers what the stickiness on his fingers is, the smears on Jensen's face and collarbone, the mess in his hair. This is what Jensen looks like when he's had an appointment but hasn't had his shower. This is the debauched, fucked out Jensen that Jared had kind of wanted to see, even if he'd been too ashamed to admit it even to himself.
And yeah, a freshly fucked Jensen would probably be a damn nice sight if he weren't also rocking the 'death warmed up' look.
"Was tired after Carter left… Just closed my eyes for a moment," says Jensen, voice slurred with sleep. He wets his lips and tries propping himself up on his elbows in order to sit up. He's too weak to manage it and Jared rocks forward on his knees to slide an arm around his shoulder to catch him.
There's more slipperiness of sweat and come when Jared touches Jensen but his fingers are splayed out between Jensen's shoulder-blades and Jensen may be filthy as fuck but he's also warm and smooth and hard to stop touching. Jared's stomach flip-flops unhelpfully as he takes Jensen's weight.
"You don't look so good, buddy," Jared says. He pushes some hair off Jensen's sweat-damp forehead and ducks his head to look Jensen properly in the face, taking in his half-hooded eyes and the pink splotches in his cheeks, feverish against his otherwise pallid complexion.
"Think I'm coming down with something. Jeez, poor old Carter. Hope he got his money's worth."
Jared's lips thin but he doesn't mention the numerous pieces of evidence, most of them beautifully marked on Jensen, that suggest Rutherford got exactly that. Instead, he helps Jensen swing his legs over the side of the bed and tactfully, abruptly averts his gaze as the sheet tugs free and Jared catches a glimpse of Jensen's muscular thighs, the angular, carved out lines of hipbones, and his cock, soft between his legs.
"You're shivering," Jared says. He tries to hold Jensen steady, one hand gripping his trembling shoulder while he reaches out with the other for Jensen's clothes.
"Nah, man," Jensen protests. "Gotta shower first."
He gets to his feet and wobbles precariously. Jared reaches out to grab him again but Jensen seems better now he's standing and more fully conscious. He ducks out of range and heads towards the slick, chrome bathroom, bouncing between the end of the bed, the corner of the dresser and the doorframe.
The idea of Jensen trying to shower, on his own, when he's obviously pretty sick, sounds downright dangerous to Jared. Unfortunately, the idea of Jared trying to help Jensen shower sounds even riskier. So he settles for pacing back and forth, listening to the water drumming off the tiles, and keeping up a steady chatter in order to get regular vocal confirmation from Jensen that he isn't dead.
"Don't ever do that to me again," he says. "I was freaking worried. Was about ready to hunt Rutherford down and kick his chubby little ass."
"Why?" Jensen's voice floats back, distant and muffled.
"I thought…" Jared pulls a face and rubs the back of his neck. It feels kind of stupid now because Rutherford is a sleaze but he really isn't the threatening type. "You didn't come down. I thought maybe…"
"Maybe I wasn't all right?" Jensen prompts. "Awww, that's sweet, Padalecki. But don't you worry. I can take care of myself just fine."
The water shuts off and Jared is keenly aware of the sounds of Jensen moving about in the bathroom. He can hear the rustle of a towel and then the slap of it hitting the floor. Then there's softer rustling, more like a whisper of fabric as Jensen redresses.
"Sure you can take care of yourself," Jared agrees when Jensen reappears. "S'why you were passed out on the bed, right?"
"Wasn't passed out. I was just… very asleep."
Even the shower hasn't put much healthy color in Jensen's cheeks. His eyes are dull and he's not particularly steady on his feet. He's safe enough walking that Jared doesn't think extreme measures are called for and therefore doesn't attempt to sling him over his shoulder and carry him out, but he keeps close and has a hand ready to catch Jensen if he starts pitching forward. The fact Jensen is apparently oblivious to Jared's watchfulness merely demonstrates how out of it he is.
In the car, Jared doesn't even ask where to - he simply pulls out onto the road and heads for Jensen's home.
When they pull up outside, Jensen turns in his seat to look him right in the eyes and says, "I swear to God, you try to put me to bed and I'll show you just how fucking feeble I'm not right now."
Jared puts his hands up in surrender but doesn't drive away until he's watched Jensen stumble all the way up to his front door, unlocked it and disappeared inside.
part four