Fic: Fallacies of Love (3/5)
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Back to Part 2
Jared slouched in an armchair, swinging his foot. He and Jensen had both been working hard, which meant they'd scarcely seen each other in...yes, three weeks. Three weeks of hurried calls, brief texts, and separate meals. And no sex.
The whole thing left Jared feeling unhappy, but unsure of what to do. He finally had a couple of hours free time, and used it to mull the situation over, albeit fruitlessly so far. I'm not brooding or pouting! I'm...analyzing, he told himself firmly. Despite no actual solutions coming to him, Jared finally decided on one thing. He was going to call his best friend, Chad.
“Hey there, Jay-bird!” Chad's voice somehow conveyed all the untidy and hyperactive laziness that comprised Chad Michael Murray. It was a vastly reassuring sound to Jared. So much had changed in his life the last seven or eight months, but Chad? Chad was just the same.
“Hey, Chad. What's new?” Jared ambled around the living room with his phone in one hand, picking up random papers and clumsily straightening up. He wondered if he should talk to Jensen about getting a maid. Neither of them seemed to have time to clean up anymore, what with their hectic schedules. Worse than the mess, though was the dearth of time spent together, much less getting around to having any sex. And Jared really liked sex with Jensen. He liked it a lot.
“What's wrong, bro? Don't deny it, I can hear it in your voice. School sucking? Not enough parties? The big J squashing all your fun?” Chad's tone was light, but Jared could hear the genuine concern underneath the playfulness.
Jared didn't answer right away. Right now, it was all possibly just in his head. But if he told Chad, talked about it out loud, it would be so much harder to deny. Hearing it said would give it that dimension of reality.
“Uh, no. We're fine. School's good.” Jared rolled his eyes at his crappy denial and collapsed length-wise onto the couch, letting his body sink into the plump cushions.
“Yeah, that was convincing. Spill, Padalecki,” Chad ordered.
Jared sighed. “Well, it's just-Jensen's starting a business, and he's really busy, and I'm in school, and I'm really busy, and like, we hardly see each other. And I get it, I do, but-I miss my boyfriend.” It all came out in a rush.
“Wow, that sucks. So what you're telling me is that there's no boinking going on.”
“CHAD!”
“All right, all right! Don't get all bunged up! Gimme a sec.”
The phone was silent except for a crinkling sound followed by crunching.
“Dude, I do not need to listen to you eating chips!”
Chad replied with a distinctly crunchy mumble, followed by gurgling. “Okay, here-mmmph--wait--” and then a loud burp echoed in Jared's ear.
“Jesus! Fucking gross, Chad.” Jared couldn't help laughing anyway.
“Sorry, man. A good out waits for no one. Now, here's what I think. You need to remind Jenny that he has a particularly choice piece of ass there, and he needs to be regularly availing himself of said ass in a gay and manly fashion. So blow in his ear and flash your masculine charms and all that shit, and lure that sucker into the sack. Got it?”
“Really? You think that's all we need to do? Have some hot, romantic sex?” Jared swung his legs off the couch and sat up. It didn't sound like a bad plan-maybe it would help remind Jensen that they needed time together in and out of bed.
“What domestic woes aren't alleviated by a solid roll in the hay?” The crunching resumed.
Jared held the phone away from his ear. “That's fantastic. Thank you, bro, you are the best!”
Jensen sat at the dining room table, papers and laptop spread out before him. They only ate in there when they had people over, preferring to eat in the kitchen or the living room, so it had become his de facto office. He'd mentioned to Jared about possibly clearing the small back bedroom of the half-empty moving boxes it currently contained, and turning that into a small home office for him. It was on the to-do list--the same list that wasn't getting addressed.
Jared walked up quietly behind Jensen, pausing to look at Jensen's broad shoulders in his black T-shirt. The soft knit material clung to them, outlining the muscles and accentuating their width, and Jared felt a stirring in his jeans. It had been a while, and Jared's cock didn't appreciate his right hand the way it used to. Not after becoming accustomed to Jensen's hand, Jensen's lips, any part of Jensen it could get in contact with.
“Hey, lover, whatcha doing?” He slid his arms under Jensen's, wrapping them around his chest, while he kissed Jensen's neck.
“Jay-Jay, stop--” Jensen batted at his head, pulling away. “I can't do this now, I have to get these plans in order.”
The rebuff dismayed Jared, but he wasn't giving up. “Can you take a little break? I feel like I haven't seen my boyfriend in a while, much less kissed him.” He sank to his knees, placing his hands on Jensen's thigh. “Or blown him. Why not just slide this chair out a little, and I'll--”
“Jared, stop. I have to get this paperwork done.” Jensen turned to face him, his tone annoyed. “Misha and I have to get everything squared away with the city and the bank by the beginning of next week, and it's a giant pain in the ass.” His voice softened and took on a pleading note. “So please, let me get through this and I promise, we'll have more time afterward, okay?”
Jared's heart gave a pang inside his chest, but he smiled and forced his voice to be normal. “Sure, Jen. Of course. I understand.” He got up, feeling awkward and somewhat ridiculous, and walked out to the kitchen, where he stared around blankly. He didn't know what to do with himself; he felt stiff and uncomfortable, like an intruder in his own home.
Fuck this...I'm going out.
He almost called out to Jensen, but thought better of it. Grabbing a shopping list pad, he scribbled “Gone to library, back soon” and weighted it with a bottle of Gatorade. Jared picked up his hoodie from where he'd left it hanging on the back doorknob along with his backpack and quietly left the apartment.
Jared sat in Cool Beans, lounging in his favorite booth by the window. He was supposed to be studying, but instead he was brooding about last night, when he'd tried to initiate sex with Jensen but had been rebuffed. He understood that happening once in a while, but lately it was becoming the norm for them, a norm Jared didn't care for. Jensen was tied up with hiring for Winchester Security along with Misha, and then working with Danneel-who Jared still hadn't even met yet-on the marketing campaign to draw in clients. But did that have to mean not having any time at all for them?
“I could see that morose look from across the street.” Stephen plopped into the seat across from him. “What's up, Eeyore? Your balloon pop? Your tail fall off again? No honey in the honey jar?”
Jared snorted. “No. Nothing. I'm fine.”
“Yeah, right. Okay, you don't have to talk about it now, but anytime you want to, I'm here, okay?” Stephen jostled Jared's feet, then reached a hand over and poked him in the side. Jared couldn't help laughing. “There we go!” Stephen did a fist pump. “Success! The black cloud lifts!”
“All right, you doofus. What's up?”
“I thought we could do work together for a while and then go throw some frisbees for a break. And tonight Kathryn's having a little get-together.”
Jared frowned. “That went so well last time.”
“This one is smaller, like not the entire freshman class. Besides, is Jensen going to go anyway? He hasn't been to a party since we got back from break, has he?”
Jared thought about it, his forehead still furrowed. Jensen hadn't gone to a party since their return from D.C. and the departure of the guards. On the one hand, Jared felt confident of Jensen's trust in him, but on the other, the fact that his boyfriend wasn't going out at all with him, and wasn't having sex with him either, brought a fresh wave of unhappiness washing over him.
It must have showed on his face, because Stephen sobered up and sat up. “Hey, I'm sorry if I brought up a sore subject, Jare. I'm sure everything's fine, because hey-you are one smart cookie, and hot as hell too.” He pinched Jared's cheek. “Anyone who doesn't appreciate you, man, well...they're just plain stupid, and Jensen doesn't strike me as stupid. Now let's get out of here, get some work done, and bring on the playtime!”
While not entirely convinced, Jared allowed himself to be pulled along by Stephen's hand. They spent a few hours in the library, and at four-thirty, they put their books and papers aside and went outside, happily tossing a frisbee around. A pick-up game evolved, and Jared found that both the fresh air and the laughter did a lot to lift his mood.
From there they went to Kathryn's, and the party was indeed much smaller than the one last fall. There was plenty of beer and liquor as well as joints circling, but Jared politely refused the weed and stuck to the beer, along with the occasional shot. He knew he was pretty drunk by how funny he found everything, but damn, it felt good to really relax and have a good time. No worries, just alcohol-fueled hilarity and issue-free fun.
“See how smart I am?” Stephen practically purred into Jared's ear. He squeezed Jared's arm, standing close to his side. “You feel a thousand percent better, right?”
“Yeah, I really do. Thanks, man.” Jared leaned against Stephen. He was not quite as tall as Jared, but he was six or six one, and all of it was solid muscle. He easily withstood the pressure of Jared leaning on him, but when Jared wobbled a moment, Stephen wrapped an arm around Jared's waist and held onto him.
“I gotcha,” Stephen whispered into his ear. “You're good with me.”
Jared made a small sound of agreement. “You're a great friend, dude. I love you.” His eyes closed for a second, and his head lolled on Stephen's shoulder, face turning into Stephen's cheek. Damn, he smells good, Jared thought. He nuzzled against Stephen's cheek, inhaling his scent, and the arm Stephen had around Jared's waist tightened in response.
“Jare....” Stephen whispered, and then his lips moved onto Jared's, a soft yet firm pressure Jared instinctively returned.
Feels so good, he thought as the kiss continued. I've missed this...being close, feeling wanted...
“Guys, get a room!” Someone pushed past them with a laugh.
Jared's eyes popped open and he realized it was Stephen's lips on his, not Jensen's. He pulled away, feeling horrified at what had just happened. “Jesus, Stephen, I-I'm sorry! I didn't mean to--”
Stephen's reply was to kiss him again, pulling their bodies together and sliding one hand behind Jared's neck. This time, Jared reacted immediately, pulling away again and putting his hands up to prevent Stephen from drawing close again. “Listen, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to lead you on or anything. You're hot, and we're friends, but I-I'm with Jensen and I can't break his trust like this.”
“What about your trust, Jared? I know he's 'at work' late all the time now.” Stephen crooked his fingers in mock quotes. “Do you ever wonder what he's doing? Who he's doing? Are you guys even having sex anymore, or is he 'too busy' or 'too tired' nowadays?” Stephen shook his head. “I'm sure not going to force you to be with me, man, but I do think you should wake up a little and see what's going on around you.”
It felt like a snowball had lodged in Jared's chest, chilling his insides and making his heart jump. Misha's blue eyes and dark hair flashed into his mind's eye, along with how often Jensen was late getting home from work. “I'm fine. We're fine. And I think I better go now. Thanks for the day, it was-it really was a nice day. See you later.”
His buzz dissipated by Stephen's words, Jared slowly walked home, letting the night air cleanse him. Jensen was home but already asleep. Jared got ready for bed, then slipped under the covers, where he lay watching Jensen for a few minutes. He studied the strong features, the thick lashes now resting on Jensen's cheeks, how soft and relaxed his mouth looked in repose.
“I love you,” Jared whispered, and closed his own eyes.
“Out of this round, I'd pick McNamara, Esposito, and Brinder.” Misha laid the corresponding head shots and resumes on the table, placing the ones not selected off to the side.
Jensen nodded. “I agree.” He picked each one up for a final look-over. “All the checks are complete? Background, drug panels, history? No surprises?”
“No surprises.” Misha buzzed Danneel and asked her to come into his office. When she entered, he handed her the papers and said, “These three to start. Go ahead and send them the offer letter, with a five-day window of acceptance.”
“I'm on it!” She smiled. “Shit's getting real now, gentlemen!” She exited with a flip of her hair.
Jensen sat back on the couch. “She's right. We're close now.” He sighed. “Man, I can't wait for things to get up and running. Then maybe I can take a little time off. Feels like I never see Jared anymore”
Misha sat down next to him with drinks he'd poured at his sidebar. Handing one to Jensen, he clinked his glass against it and they sipped. Jensen savored the cold alcohol going down his throat.
“What, is he complaining? I mean, about the lack of time together?” Misha asked. “Does he understand what you're trying to do here? Things like this take time and energy.”
“Oh sure, of course he does. He gets it. It just doesn't make it any more fun, you know? He'd like to spend some time with me, and I keep shooting him down.” Jensen sighed and drank again.
Misha huffed. “Sounds kind of selfish to me. I mean, you're working your ass off trying to get this business up ad running, and he's whining about having to wait on supper for you? What kind of support is that?” He shook his head. “I guess that's what comes from being so immature--he can't really understand the effort something like this takes.”
Irritation spurred Jensen to down his drink and stand up, his glass clattering loudly on the table. “That's enough, Misha. He's not a fucking toddler who's crying for a toy, he's my boyfriend. He loves me and wants to spend time with me, that's all. I'd be concerned if he didn't want to.”
“Okay, okay. Sorry, didn't mean to overstep. Just-well, whatever. I just hate to see you down on yourself when you're working so hard. It's not like you're out carousing with showgirls every night. So cut yourself a little slack, okay?” Misha smiled a wide, easy smile, and raised his glass to Jensen. “Here's to us!” He finished his drink and also stood up.
Jensen felt bad for reacting so angrily. Misha was a fantastic business partner; he was smart, creative in ways that Jensen wasn't, and as hard a worker as Jensen himself. On top of that, he was good company, with a funny, quirky sense of humor and always with a ready comment.
“Thanks for all your work, Meesh. This wouldn't be happening without you.” He embraced Misha, clapping him on the back a couple of times. “I'm going to make my final picks from the other batch, and we'll see if we can get at least a couple more on the roster. See you tomorrow, buddy.”
“You betcha.” Misha gave a little wave. Jensen waved back and left the office.
Jared waved enthusiastically at Stephen, who was crossing the lawn toward him. “Hey! What's up?” Jared gave Stephen a high-five, and they fell into step together. “You ready for that quiz in World History?”
“Pfft! I'm winging that puppy,” Stephen snorted. “I had too much work to do on my Bio lab notebook.” He shook his head. “Man, there will be beers this weekend.”
“Sounds good to me!” Jared laughed. “You say where and when!”
“Hmmm, 'when' is as soon as afternoon study session ends on Friday, and 'where'-my place. I can get you all alone and assault your virtue.” He waggled his eyebrows at Jared.
Jared shook his head with an amused smile. “Come on, what happened to Colton? I'm not your type anyway.” Wonder if I'm still Jensen's type drifted through Jared's mind. The drought hadn't broken, and he felt even more miserable when he thought about it.
“Dude, you are ridiculously hot. The hair, the legs, the eyes-you are smokin', Padalecki. And it's my mission to remind you of this.” Stephen turned to look at Jared, who was struck by the blatant lust in Stephen's blue eyes. “Anytime you get tired of waiting for Jensen to get the stick out of his ass, you let me know, and I'll take care of you,” said Stephen, his voice low and growly. He slid his hand up his thigh and over his fly; Jared's eyes followed, widening when they landed on the distinct bulge in Stephen's jeans.
Jared had no intention of taking Stephen up on his offer, but that rough voice, those burning eyes, that blatant erection made him shiver. Stephen was a handsome man, big and tall and built, and his obvious appreciation of Jared warmed him and made him feel desirable again. Their friendship had gradually grown to include a fun, flirtatious element that Jared thought was based on them both knowing nothing would ever happen, but now he wondered if Stephen really did realize that.
Or does he really want me? Jared was unsure how he felt about that possibility, and that bothered him even more.
Jensen clicked his phone off and laid it on his desk with a sigh. Winchester Security was so close to getting up and running, but things with Jared were not getting any easier. He wasn't complaining outright, but Jensen could hear the resigned tone in Jared's voice whenever he acknowledged Jensen's postponements and cancellations.
“You okay?” Misha leaned on the doorway of Jensen's office.
“Yeah, yeah. I had to cancel on dinner with Jared tonight. We have to finish getting everything lined up for the party next week, and...well, he's not very happy right now.” Jensen rubbed his eyes with one hand, then pinched the bridge of his nose. “I hope I still have a boyfriend by opening.”
Misha came in and walked to Jensen's credenza, opening it and looking askance at Jensen before pouring himself a drink. “You?” At Jensen's nod, Misha poured a second drink and went over to sit in the armchair adjacent to the sofa against the back wall, placing both drinks on the coffee table.
Jensen joined him, sitting on the sofa and taking a deep swallow of his drink. The two men sat silently for a moment, Jensen thinking about the situation with Jared, and Misha sitting in the calm, silent manner he said came from his meditation.
“Would you like me to talk to him? Maybe help him understand the situation better?” asked Misha, his voice almost surprising Jensen, lost in his own thoughts.
“No, thanks. He does understand, he's just unhappy about it. Besides, he already kind of resents you a bit as the man I'm spending all my time with.” Jensen drank again, feeling the alcohol warm him inside and starting to unknot the snarls inside him.
“Really!” Misha chuckled. “He's jealous? Well, I've never been the other man. Sounds rather dashing.” He batted his lashes at Jensen, who rolled his eyes and chuckled in response.
“I keep thinking things will get better, but between our schedules? I'm always working, and he's got classes and activities and a social life. Sometimes I think his best friend feels it's his job to get Jared to attend every party on campus.” Jensen sipped his drink appreciatively. “I will say that Jared is home every night though. He might be lit and it might be late, but he always comes home. I'm grateful for that.”
“Very responsible of him.” Misha's voice was dry, but when Jensen looked at him, his face was smooth.
Misha broke the next few silent moments by putting his glass down and clearing his throat. “I've been watching you beat yourself up over this conflict with work and Jared for a while now, Jen, and I wonder if I could give you my...viewpoint on it. My input.”
Jensen was a little surprised at Misha's words, but figured a fresh perspective might be be helpful. Misha was intelligent and insightful-maybe he had something helpful to offer. “Of course. I always value your input. Go ahead.” He sat up, curious and listening closely.
Misha rubbed his hands together for a second before speaking. “You have a lot on your shoulders right now, Jensen. You're starting a business in a difficult field, and in a new city. You're across the country from where you used to live, and you don't have your previous support system really, in terms of friends and contacts. And you have a young-no, I don't care how mature he is, Jared is still young-a young boyfriend who is in his first year of college, a time we both know is filled with huge changes and self-discovery.”
Jensen pursed his mouth and knotted his fingers together, but nodded shortly for Misha to continue. The mention of Jared undergoing changes hit a nerve that he rarely acknowledged to himself-the fear that one day, Jared might discover he didn't need or want Jensen anymore.
“I just feel that maybe this is not the best thing for you right now. You're working so hard and you have no support system yourself. On top of that, you have to take care of Jared? His needs? His demands? It's not fair, Jensen. It's not fair to you. Who's taking care of you?”
Jensen stared at Misha in shock. This was so far from anything he'd expected to hear. “Misha, what do you mean? You can't be suggesting...”
Misha got up from the armchair and sat down next to Jensen. He placed a hand over Jensen's clasped ones, his skin warm against Jensen's. “I'm suggesting that maybe you'd be better off with someone...more on the same plane as you. In the same stage of life, with the same kinds of goals and plans.” His blue eyes gazed intently into Jensen's. “With someone who will appreciate you for how special you are instead of resenting your ambitions, and can help you to achieve them.”
Stunned, Jensen could not do anything but stare at Misha.
“You are special, you know. You're smart, you're creative, you're precise but you still think outside the box, still have that spark. We mesh really well, I think, don't you? Jensen?”
Still in shock at Misha's unexpected revelation, Jensen sat frozen, until a hand cupped his cheek and suddenly Misha's lips were against his. They were soft and not unpleasant as they pressed gently on Jensen's.
It felt totally and completely fucking wrong.
Jensen jumped off the sofa, taking a step back from Misha. “What the hell!” He hastily moved over to his desk, half-sitting on the front of it as he tried to regain his balance.
Misha was still standing by the sofa, his face in dismay. “Jensen, I-I thought you were looking to move on! I know Jared hasn't been making you happy. You're a realist. I wanted to show you that you...have options.”
How on earth have I fucked this all up so badly? Jensen covered his face with his hands as he breathed deep, working to regain some kind of equilibrium. What a cluster-fuck.
He dropped his hands and saw Misha still standing there, his usual calm gone. His thick black hair was sticking up all over his head; Jensen knew Misha ran his hands through his hair when he was wrestling with an idea or problem sometimes. Clearly he'd just done so.
Start salvaging, Jensen thought.
“Misha, I'm...I'm sorry. If I gave you any indication I was open to-to starting something, then I truly apologize for misleading you. I love Jared. I'm in love with Jared, and I have no desire to leave him.” Jensen heard his voice tremble. “All I want is to get Winchester Security running and see about rebuilding my relationship.”
“Sure,” mumbled Misha, looking at the rug and then the walls. “I understand. Sorry-it's all my mistake.” He began to edge toward the door. “I hope you can forgive me. I meant no disrespect to Jared.”
“Hey.” Jensen stepped forward, stopping Misha with a hand. “No harm done. You expressed a valid concern. We had some miscommunication, but let's just put that behind us, okay? We're building something really good here, and I truly enjoy our partnership.” He extended a hand. “Are we good?”
Relief suffused Misha's face, and he gave a small smile. “If you can forgive me, then we're good. I promise this will never come up again.”
“Good.” Jensen shook Misha's hand. “Now go get outta here and get some rest, and I'll do the same. See you tomorrow bright and early.”
Misha nodded and did a quick retreat. Jensen shut his office door and leaned against it, feeling very, very tired.
Mid-terms had arrived, and Jared was practicing some inventive new curses as he studied until the wee hours every night. The previous month had been spent writing all the papers and projects that were due before mid-terms, and now the exams themselves were dominating his life. Whether studying solo or in groups, in the library or at home, Jared immersed himself in schoolwork.
Jensen was always at the office now, only returning home for some take-out left-overs and then sleep. Jared was often too keyed up with studying and exam pressure to conk right out, so he often laid awake and watched Jensen, marveling at his physical perfection while missing his actual presence at the same time.
One night, after his Bio mid-term, Jared couldn't stand to simply watch Jensen. He wanted to touch Jensen, taste him, feel his cock slide inside. The want made Jared's skin itch underneath and his muscles restless, like he need to go running. Jared's dick fattened, and he slid a hand over his chest, rubbing his nipples and biting his lip when he felt them harden under his fingertips.
Slipping out of bed, Jared went into the bathroom. He didn't trust himself to quietly jerk off and stay still enough while Jensen slept next to him. Pushing down his boxer briefs, Jared took his half-hard cock in hand and began to stroke himself, firmly but not too fast. He rummaged through one of the vanity drawers for some lube, drizzling it onto his palm and sighing with pleasure at the resultant easing of his hand's friction. His cock responded quickly, swelling and stiffening under the movement. Jared reached down to his balls and cradled them, rolling them around in their loose sac, giving them little squeezes that made his dick jump. He rubbed over and around his hole, teasing it with a fingertip, then brought his hand back to his chest and played with his nipples.
It all felt good, so very good, and Jared's head dropped back as he closed his eyes and gave himself up to his self-pleasuring. Legs spread wide, back arched, Jared took short breaths as his arousal grew, his cock feeling like steel in his hand, his balls tight against his body now.
If only it was Jensen touching him.
The thought drifted through Jared's mind and he frowned, shook it away.
Jensen's hands on your body. Jensen's lips against yours. Jensen's cock in your hand, your mouth, your ass.
Jared stroked himself faster, harder, determined to ignore that treacherous little voice.
Jensen's warmth next to you, surrounding you. The way he makes you feel so free and yet so safe. How his love wraps around you and makes you come harder than you ever thought you could.
A tear crawled out of the corner of Jared's eye, and his panting breaths were mixed with silent sobbing ones. He'd stop, but he'd be left with his stubborn erection; he was too far gone not to finish now, but the joy of it, the simple pleasure of release, was gone. He gritted his teeth and pulled out his tried-and-true tricks for a quick climax-licking his fingers and rolling his nipples, playing with the slit of his dick, twisting over the head with every few strokes. He rifled through his spank-bank fantasies, ignoring the multitude that involved Jensen and instead picking one featuring Matt Bomer, chiseled, gorgeous, and flexible.
It worked; he felt the rush building, grabbed tissues to catch the jet of come, felt the endorphins flood his body, thankfully making him sleepy while they were at it. He peed, washed his hands, and crept back into the bedroom, slipping into bed.
His body was still buzzing with the release, but his heart ached with the mechanical emptiness of it. Somehow, wrapped up in physical relief but with a hollow emotional core, Jared fell asleep.
On to Part 4