Fic: Fallacies of Love (5/5)
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Back to Part 4
Jensen checked around the empty townhouse, looking for any signs that Jared had been there. There weren't any. The bed was as Jensen had left it, there was no change in the level of the milk gallon, Jared's jacket was still gone. His toothbrush was dry. Jensen sat down on the toilet lid and just gave up for a moment. Jared was gone.
As if she were in the room with him, Jensen could hear Danni's sweet but sharp voice addressing him. This is it, isn't it? This is what you're really afraid of.
“What do you mean?” he mumbled. “Not afraid of...of...”
Can't even say it, big guy. You're afraid that Jared will wake up one day and decide that you aren't it after all. That you aren't the one and only, the big kahuna. That there is a whole world out there and maybe, just maybe, he doesn't need anyone holding his hand to explore it. He could see her warm brown eyes studying him, refusing to let him slip away without an answer.
“So what? Of course I'm afraid of losing him!” Jensen got up and left the bathroom, but that didn't leave the voice behind. “Isn't everyone in a relationship afraid of losing their partner?”
But you, Jen, your fear is more than just losing him, isn't it? Ghost-Dani crossed her arms on her chest, fingers of the top hand tapping impatiently. Come on, Jensen, admit it! Confess!
“Yes! Yes, all right? I'm afraid of losing him, because if I do-if I lose Jared, I'll-I'll...” Jensen sank down onto the floor, back resting against the bed, and rested his head on his knees. “I'll fall apart. I won't be able to bear it. He's my lodestone.”
See, you did it. Smart boy. It felt like a small breeze ruffled his hair. Now go get your boyfriend.
“Yeah,” he whispered, picking his head up. “Yeah.”
Forty minutes later, showered, in clean clothes, and with coffee in hand, Jensen left the apartment. The shower had helped clear his head, and the coffee to get his brain in gear. He knew where to start now, and he went directly there.
When Jensen knocked on Stephen's door, he was surprised how quickly Stephen answered. He'd figured that after a big party like the Post Mid-Term Melee, Stephen might be sleeping in. Although he was up, Jensen judged by his dishevelment and pained expression that the hangover was now in progress.
“Jensen, uh, hi.” Stephen hung on his door, apparently bemused to see Jensen on his step. He didn't invite Jensen in, but merely stared at him blankly.
“Hey, Stephen, I was wondering if Jared was here.”
Stephen's mouth tightened, the corners turning down. “No, man, he's not here.” He turned and left the doorway, leaving the door open. Jensen went ahead and walked inside. The place was untidy, to say the least, but nothing out of the ordinary for a college student. Books, papers, hoodies, dishes, all were scattered around. Game controllers and DVD cases were strewn in front of the television.
“Did you guys go to the Melee last night?” Jensen asked while he followed Stephen into what must be his bedroom. There were several comic book hero posters on the walls, and Jensen remembered Jared mentioning how Stephen was a big fan.
“Yeah, we hit it.” Stephen rummaged around and pulled a pair of jeans out from a pile of clothing. He nonchalantly dropped the boxers he was wearing and stepped into the jeans, pulling them up over what Jensen couldn't help noticing was a very fine ass. He cleared his throat and looked away, his eyes roving around the room.
“'We'? So Jared went with you?”
“Yeah, we went together.” Stephen laughed harshly. “Man, he got trashed. I have never seen that boy so drunk, and that's saying something.” He pulled a t-shirt on, and Jensen breathed easier. Stephen's arms and torso were both muscular and well-defined, and it was less distracting to talk to someone when their six-pack and pecs were covered up.
Jensen felt a little sick at hearing how drunk Jared had gotten. “Was he okay? Did you guys come back here or what?”
Stephen turned around to face Jensen. “What's with the twenty questions?”
Jensen sighed. “He, uh...he didn't come home last night, and he always comes home. No matter how wasted he might be. So I'm...a little worried.” He spread his hands open. “You're his best friend, so I figured I'd come, uh, talk with you.”
“Yeah, I am his best friend.” Stephen walked over to the bed and plopped down. “We came back here-we were both drunk, but him way more than me. He passed out, and I let him just sleep it off.”
Jensen felt there was more that Stephen wasn't saying, so he turned and looked at the different posters. “Marvel fan, huh?”
“Oh yeah.” Stephen smiled faintly. Jensen smiled back and kept looking around, slowly walking along the room's perimeter. There were a lot of clothes flung around, and when he caught his foot on one article, he gave a little kick to get it off. Then he stopped and picked it up, staring at it with shock.
“These-these are Jared's.” Men's briefs were often interchangeable, but this pair? This pair had dinosaurs all over them, and the waistband read Dinosaur Park--they had bought it on their cross-country road trip to Palo Alto. Jensen felt a surge of jealousy and anger rising inside him. “What are they doing here on your floor, Stephen?” In one stride, Jensen was in front of Stephen, grabbing his t-shirt and pulling up from the bed. “Did you sleep with him? When he was all drunk and vulnerable, did you take advantage of him?” He gave Stephen a little shake.
“No!” Stephen pulled out of Jensen's grasp. “No, I didn't!” He took a deep breath. “Not gonna lie, I thought about seducing him. Wanted to be with him for a long time now, but he's always turned me down.” He shook his head. “He's my friend first, though, and I didn't want to lose that. We just slept, nothing else.”
Jensen's relief made him weak in the knees, and he sat on the bed next to Stephen. “So why are his boxers here then?”
“He was about to pass out. I helped him get his clothes off and he insisted on taking everything off, kept saying he was hot. Then I got him into bed. This morning, he couldn't find them, so he got dressed and left without them.”
Jensen nodded. He was very familiar with Jared's propensity to sleep nude. He quickly skipped over the thought that Stephen had gotten an eyeful of Jared's junk.
“Okay. Uh, thanks. For keeping an eye on him, and for...you know.” Jensen rubbed the back of his neck, the awkwardness of thanking a man for not seducing his boyfriend stifling his words. He got up from the bed. “Guess I'll go look for him.”
“Yeah. Try Cool Beans, he likes to go there a lot.”
“Yeah, I've met him there before.” Before Winchester Security. Not so much since, eh, Jen? “Thanks, I'll try there next.” Jensen walked to the door.
“Jensen--wait a sec.” Stephen stood up. “Can I say something? I mean, can I...be blunt?”
Jensen turned and looked at Stephen. His charming, ready smile was gone, and he looked uncharacteristically serious. “Sure. We've discussed my boyfriend's underwear, I think that counts for some kind of bonding or whatever.”
It didn't get the chuckle Jensen hoped for. Instead, Stephen stuffed his hands into his front pockets and took a couple of aimless steps around the room. He stopped at the window, staring out of it for a second, then turned back to Jensen.
“Dude, I don't think you realize just what you have. You have a guy who's wicked smart, funny, sweet, and fucking gorgeous. He thinks you walk on goddamn water. He waits for you. He gets upset if he disappoints you. He loves you with everything he has. People would kill for that, Jensen. People have killed for that.”
Stephen walked closer, hands out of his pockets and waving in the air now. “But you---you're squandering it. Jared never sees you because you're always working. When's the last time you shared a meal? Went somewhere together? Had sex?” He snorted and shook his head. “You're lucky he's so fucking faithful, because I am not the only guy around who would love to tap that sweet ass. You must be hung like whoa--”
Jensen moved before he thought, his right fist flying out and cracking into Stephen's jaw. The shock of the impact ran down his arm, but he watched with grim satisfaction how Stephen grimaced and rubbed his jaw. “Shut the fuck up-you don't get to talk about us like that. You don't know about our private life.”
Stephen's hand still massaged his jaw. “Yeah, I do. Because Jared has shared it with me. Because he feels so alone, to say nothing of unsatisfied. So I do know. I think you don't know how serious this...erosion is. You better get to work or I'm telling you-you are going to lose him. Either he's going to walk away, or someone is going to take him away.” He held up open, empty hands. “I'm just telling you the score, man. What you do with it is up to you.”
Jensen's anger ebbed as Stephen's words sank in, leaving an unsettling mixture of sadness, anxiety, and lingering ire, half of which was at himself. He stared at Stephen, noting the genuine concern and regret in his face, and the anger ebbed further. There was nothing to be gained by taking his frustration out on Stephen.
He needed to find Jared.
Without another word, Jensen left Stephen's, determined to find his boyfriend and try to make things right.
Jared sat in the booth located farthest back in the coffee shop. A steaming cup of cinnamon vanilla sat before him, along with a plate holding an apple danish. He loved the danishes here; they had generous dollops of fruit filling in the middle, and fat drizzles of icing randomly draped over the flaky pastry. Right now, he couldn't even bring himself to take a bite, although he was able to sip the hot, flavorful coffee.
He'd walked and walked after leaving Stephen's. He'd even run a couple of times. He hadn't known where to go; returning to Stephen's had seemed unthinkable, and he certainly hadn't wanted to return home. Jared pondered the idea of 'home'. Could he return there? Was it even going to be his home? Would Jensen kick him out after Jared had been unfaithful? Jared wrung his hands together. He felt un-moored and adrift.
Not being able to find his boxer briefs this morning had been a shock. Waking up naked had been even more of one. Jared remembered being seriously drunk last night, but how drunk did one have to be to not remember having sex?
Jared ducked into the men's room and did a quick self-exam. There were no marks that he could see-no bites or hickeys, no bruises of any kind. When he returned to his seat, he noted that his ass felt fine, no aching or tenderness. Clearly he hadn't been fucked at least. Maybe he had topped? Maybe they hadn't fucked, but just blown each other or jerked each other off? Not that it mattered--it was still sex, and he had still crossed a line.
What do I tell Jensen? How do I tell him? Jared sighed dejectedly. There were no good answers, nothing that was going to make everything okay again. And he had no one to blame but himself.
Fuck fuck fuck. How did this happen? I love him. I love him so much. Jared dropped his face into his hands, pressing on his eyes to try and keep the tears from falling. He was not going to add crybaby-wuss to the crimes he'd already amassed.
When he took his hands down, Jensen was standing next to the booth.
Jared's stomach churned, making him wish he hadn't had any coffee. He hoped he wasn't going to throw up. His mind raced, trying to find the words, the apologies, the--
Jensen reached out one hand to Jared and smiled...
The cooler fall air put Jared in the mood for Italian, so he'd decided on making lasagna for dinner. It was his first time making it outside of cooking class, but he was only a little nervous. He'd browned the meat, cut up the veggies, and pulled a jar of homemade sauce out of the freezer, so he wouldn't have to use commercial. Now he sprinkled shredded mozzarella thickly over the top of the lasagna. It was all ready to pop into the oven. He was simply waiting for Jensen to come home, so they'd have a little time together for a drink before dinner.
Cleaning the kitchen up, Jared smiled to himself. Discovering how much he enjoyed cooking had been a real surprise. It turned out that he was pretty good at it. He wasn't any five-star chef, but his food was well-made and tasty. He'd found the cooking class via Danneel, and he and Jensen had even made some non-work, non-campus friends there. Eating less take-out was far more enjoyable, and of course cost-effective, and now when they went out, it was a real treat to be savored.
The front door clicked, and Jensen called out, “Hey!” Jared slid the lasagna into the oven and set the timer before throwing his arms wide to hug his boyfriend. Jensen hugged him back, kissing him thoroughly until they were both a little breathless. “Hi, honey, I'm home,” smirked Jensen, and Jared smacked his ass.
“I'm not your little fifties' housewife,” Jared smirked back. “It's just my night to cook. There'll be enough for dinner tomorrow too, and then it's your turn.”
Taking turns to cook had been one of the changes they'd made in their shared life, when they'd sat down to hash out their relationship issues. First, Jensen had told Jared that Jared had not slept with Stephen after all. Jared had collapsed in relief and self-recrimination and not a few tears, and Jensen had held him tightly. Then they had both collected themselves and faced the fact that things were in a bad way between them, and if they were going to make it, things had to change. Starting with spending more time together and taking joint responsibility for their home life.
Jensen's being home for dinner was another change. He might go in early, and there might be one or two days a week he would work a little late, but those days were planned ahead of time. The other days, Jensen made sure he was home to sit down with Jared and eat a meal together, where they could talk and share what was happening in their lives. On the weekends, Jensen might work still, but it was from his home office and not the office at Winchester Security.
In order to arrange his time at Winchester Security to allow this, Jensen had promoted Danneel. She was now an equal partner with Jensen and Misha. Jensen had also hired an assistant who had taken a lot of the more time-consuming, rote work off of both Jensen's and Misha's shoulders. Misha had questioned the expense of another salary at first, but Jensen was blunt about it, stating unequivocally that his life with Jared was important, and that he was not sacrificing it on the altar of work.
“Smells fantastic, babe,” said Jensen popping the cap off a beer. “How long until it's ready?”
“About an hour. I was able to study for a couple of hours before making it.” Jared got a beer for himself. “I have a paper to write still, but I'll be out of the library in time for our date.” He took a long sip of the cold beer. “Oh, and Stephen invited me to a party on campus Saturday. He really wants me to meet his new boyfriend. They've been going out two or three weeks now.”
Jensen sat at the table, sipping his beer. “What do you want to do?” he asked, his voice carefully neutral.
Jared shrugged. “I'm not that jazzed about it. Chad is coming and I'd rather wait and go to a party when he's here.” He grinned. “It was kind of funny thought-Stephen's really gone about this blonde girl--Emily, I think her name is. And he told me that he 'gets it now'...like, the whole relationship thing.”
“Ha! Well, good for him.” Jensen smiled and clinked his beer on Jared's. They'd agreed together that Jared should still go to parties and have fun like any college student...just not so frequently. And with Jensen home more, Jared felt less inclined to run off to parties as much anyway. He picked and chose them rather than hitting a couple every weekend.
Jensen reached out and ran his fingers over Jared's hand. “So, how long did you say for dinner, before it's ready?”
“Uh, about forty-five minutes now.” Jared slowly licked his lips, watching Jensen's eyes follow. “What were you thinking about doing, you know, to pass the time?”
Jensen stood up and pulled Jared up out of his chair, wrapping his arms around Jared's body and holding him close. “I thought maybe we could go fuck around some,” Jensen whispered in Jared's ear, gently biting his earlobe. Jared's cock woke up, fattening in his jeans as Jensen continued nibbling and kissing behind his ear and down his neck.
“Yeah...I think that sounds great.” Jared caught one of Jensen's hands and moved it to his groin. “See? It's unanimous.”
“Then come on, darlin', we got way too many clothes on!” Jensen slapped Jared's ass and, with a cackle and a shit-eating grin, raced out of the kitchen.
“No fair!” yelled Jared, scrabbling at his shirt buttons as he ran after Jensen. “I'm topping this time, you booger!”
