Fic: Pay Phone (9/10)
Title: Pay Phone
Author: firesign10
Beta: pipisafoat
Pairing(s): J2 (Jared/Jensen)
Word Count: 44,270 total / 5040 this part
Genre: SPN RPS, non-AU
Rating: R for language and subject matter
Warnings: M/M sex, angst
Spoiler(s): Season 1 through the end of Season 5
Disclaimer: It's all fiction: Jensen, Jared, and all other parties belong to themselves; none of this happened in real life; I have an overactive imagination. Supernatural is a property of the CW and does not in any way belong to me. Lyrics at the beginning of the story are from the song, "Pay Phone" by Maroon 5, and do not in any way belong to me.
Summary: Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles first meet as co-stars on a new tv show, Supernatural. Co-stars become best friends . . . until their relationship changes one summer, as they vacation together at the Outer Banks in North Carolina. It's idyllic there . . . but what about the rest of the world? Jensen and Jared find that they have very different ideas about life and love. Can they make it work in Vancouver and California? Will their relationship grow in the public eye, or wither in the closet? And how long can true love last?
Also featuring Genevieve Cortese; Jim Beaver; Donna and Alan Ackles; Ellen DeGeneres. Mentioned: Sandy McCoy; Misha Collins; Eric Kripke. Dan Spilo, various actors
Masterpost
Back to Part 8
Jensen ducked out of the studio as the audience began to leave. Ellen and Jared were already gone. Jensen wandered back to the Carry On studio in a daze. Why was Jared wearing the cuff? Their cuff? Jensen knew that he was the 'lost love' Jared had talked about, that part was easy. But . . . the cuff? Was it merely a piece of jewelry now, or did it still mean what it meant six years ago? How could Jensen guess which was the truth? Would he ever find out the answer?
The last question slapped Jensen like a bucket of cold water. Why should he find out? What difference would it make, after all these years? Jensen scrubbed at his face with his hands, feeling tired and itchy and irritable with all these unanswered questions. He was angry too, angry that the half-life he'd settled for and settled into was all of a sudden in question. Seeing Jared, hearing Jared speak so freely about his life, made Jensen feel that a huge part of himself had woken up, that he'd been asleep or sedated, for a long time. Like any limb that's been asleep and is now awake, it hurt. Jensen hurt all over, his skin full of the pins and needles feeling that comes with the return of circulation. His head hurt from trying to think and guess and imagine the answers to his questions. And his heart hurt with a big, fucking ache that made him nauseous. An ache that could consume him whole, if he were to let it. Even Jensen, I-don't-give-a-shit-anymore Jensen, was scared of that possibility.
Thankfully, he had no scenes to film that day. Jensen walked out to the parking lot on auto-pilot, slipping behind the wheel of his truck. Enough of his brain was working that he got home safely, tossing his keys on the kitchen counter as he headed for the bar and a drink, or five. Perching on a stool, he poured a double whiskey and drank it straight down, pouring another when he was done. This one went slower, Jensen sipping it rather than guzzling it. His mind was on pause - images and random thoughts were floating around, but nothing was connecting to or making any sense. He sat there for a long time, even once his glass was empty.
Hunger finally made him move. Jensen poured another large drink and went into the kitchen, throwing together a sandwich and a salad. He sipped the whiskey as he ate. The food revived him a little, and he went into the bedroom and took a shower. He got into bed and just lay there, staring at the ceiling. He got back up and went over to his dresser, opening the top drawer that held his watches and jewelry. Picking up a square wooden box, silky smooth to the touch and with a beautiful, inlaid pattern on the lid, he brought it back to the bed and sat down cross-legged. He opened the box and just looked at the silver and copper cuff inside that sat on a bed of crumpled black velvet. The metal gleamed against the soft black of the fabric, and Jensen ran his finger all the way around the curve. He turned and put the box on his night table, lying back down and closing his eyes, staring at his eyelids until he finally fell asleep. His sleep was full of restless dreams, dreams riddled with the crashing of ocean waves, dimples flashing in a wide smile, and long brown hair framing tilted, multi-hued eyes.
Jensen woke up abruptly around 3:30 a.m. and discovered that his cheeks were wet. His throat was aching, like he'd been sobbing or crying out. He swung his legs over the side of the bed and sat there for a little while, trying to marshal his thoughts. He got up and pissed, then went to the kitchen and poured a glass of water. Sitting on the sofa, he turned on the tv and channel surfed for a while. Food shows, infomercials, news, old sitcoms, old movies - nothing could hold his attention. Law & Order was on - of course Law & Order was on, it was always on - and he paused there. Jensen saw himself walk onscreen, and he suddenly realized that it was his episode, L&O:CI, the one with the racehorse scam. The one where he'd run into Genevieve.
He kept watching, seeing Gen come out of the stable, seeing himself try to warn the breeder about the scam, watching Goren and Eames put the case together. He could hear Genevieve talking in his head, telling him at lunch that day about Jared's interview, that he'd come out. He felt frozen, stuck there on the couch, utterly cold and unable to move, watching the characters parade around spouting their lines. His face was chilly - he touched it and felt moisture on it. Tears were running down his face, silently heralding his distress.
The show ended. Jensen forced himself to move, wiping his face with the backs of his hands as he picked up the phone. He didn't know if the number he had would work, but he hit it anyway. Four rings, and he thought he was going to voicemail when someone picked up.
"Do you know what the fuck time it is? It's five o'clock in the fucking morning. You better have a good fucking reason to be calling me at fucking five o'clock in the morning." A woman's sleep-husky voice said.
"Genevieve?"
"Who the fuck else do you think it's gonna be, Princess Diana? Who the fuck is this?" Genevieve clearly was not an early riser. Jensen felt a slightly hysterical giggle try to escape his throat.
"It's Jensen, Gen, it's me - Jensen."
"Jensen? Jensen Ackles? Nice to hear from you and all, but why the fuck are you calling me to begin with, much less at - "
"At five fucking o'clock in the morning, yeah, yeah. Um, sorry about that. It's just . . . uh, you . . . I think you're the only one who can help me, Gen. And I really, really need some help here."
"Good God, Jensen, you finally go off your neurotic rocker? What on earth do you need to know that can't wait for sunrise?" Jensen heard fabric sliding and then footsteps. "Gimme two seconds to pee and you can ask your damn question." A clunk was probably the phone being put down, and Jensen was rational enough to be glad Genevieve hadn't taken the phone into the bathroom with her. He got up himself and went into the kitchen, setting up the coffeepot to brew while he waited.
"Jensen, you there?" Genevieve's voice was clearer now. "What is this, some pre-dawn existential crisis? Or your panties finally in too big a knot to undo?"
Even in his current state, Jensen couldn't help rolling his eyes. He and Gen had never been great friends, the shadow of a sasquatch falling between them. He huffed a deep breath and answered her.
"I saw him today, Gen." He paused to calm himself. "He was taping on Ellen, and I went over to watch. He was talking about his new movie, and, y'know, where he was at . . ."
"You mean he talked about being bi and out?" Gen's voice was tart, and Jensen winced.
"Yeah. Both. Bi and out. And he said . . . he said about how he'd been in love, 'really, truly, gutwrenchingly in love' was how he put it, and I swear, Gen, I thought I was gonna stroke out right there." Even in memory, Jensen shuddered with the impact of Jared's statement.
"Because you thought he was gonna out you? Or because you wanted to go up there and tell him you love him? I think you know, Jensen, that Jared would never out you, he would never do that to you. So does that mean that you wanted to go up to him? Tell him you still love him? Is that what you want, Jen, but you just can't fucking admit it to yourself?"
Jensen was silently freaking out, his heart pounding, his eyes tearing. "I don't know, okay? I don't know what I want, what I should do. I just - oh god, seeing him like that, it just fucking tore me up. My life runs on barely scraping by, Gen, but I don't think there's anything I can do about it! I'm too chicken-shit to even tell my parents that I'm gay, much less the entire fucking free world. How can I even try to be with him, it'll be like six years ago all over again, and that'll kill us, kill me. I can't walk away from him a second time, Gen, it will kill me." Jensen's eyes were overflowing now, tears streaming down his face, his nose running.
Genevieve sighed deeply. "Damn, Jensen, you really are fucked up, aren't you?" Another sigh, followed by a pause. "Okay, here's what you need to do - you need to talk to your parents. I'm pretty sure they're the root of your coming out fear to begin with. It's time they find out who you are, Jen, who you really are. You need to tell them, or you're never going to be able to get through this at all. You can't keep going like this, not after seeing Jared and getting all stirred up. Not after facing how empty your life really is. It's time. Man up, dude, and tell the folks who the hell you really are. And once you've done that, maybe you'll be able to figure the next step out from there."
Jensen sat frozen, clutching the phone. "Holy fuck, Gen, I . . . I can't . . ." And as he was about to utter more random syllables, he saw Jared again, standing on the stage with Ellen DeGeneres, waving enthusiastically to an audience who clearly loved him. If Jared could discuss his bisexuality in front of a viewing audience of millions, couldn't Jensen talk to the two adults who raised him and tell them he was gay? Couldn't he at least try?
After apologizing again to Genevieve for waking her so early, Jensen clicked off his phone and sat at the kitchen counter, drinking coffee until the sun came up. Stirring himself at the brightening sky, he went upstairs to shower and dress. Standing there with his dresser drawers open, Jensen found himself taking clothes out - a couple of tee shirts, boxers, socks, jeans. He walked to the closet and put on a button-down over his tee, then selected a couple others. His pajama pants joined the pile, and then his toiletries, as he finished using them for the morning. He found his old duffel in the bottom of the closet, and threw the pile on his bed into it. Taking the bag downstairs, he poured a big travel mug full of his coffee, deciding to pick up a bagel as he left town. He vaguely realized that he hadn't made a conscious decision about this - he was running on instinct alone. Part of him felt that he didn't want to analyze what he was doing too closely. Jensen had spent a lot of his life analyzing and calculating his behavior and actions - maybe it was time to try something new.
Jensen threw the duffel into the passenger seat of his truck, hopping into the driver's seat with his mug in hand afterward. Starting the truck, he shifted it into gear and headed out of his driveway, thumbing at his phone as he did. He spoke to his producer, checking that he wasn't scheduled for a couple of days, and then rescheduling the next day after that. He explained he'd had a family emergency come up and needed to go out of town briefly. The producer hoped that all was going to be well, and Jensen mm-hmmed non-committally, then disconnected the call. He got on the freeway heading east - toward Texas.
Jensen was so tired - the drive had drained him. It was probably the tension - every muscle in his body felt tense, like he'd never relax again. Adding in the fatigue of a long drive, even with a short overnight stop, he was seriously whipped. But now Jensen was in the homestretch, quite literally, arriving at his parents' house in less than an hour. He could have flown, of course, but he wanted to take the extra time of driving so he could ready himself for this. Jensen was moving quickly, but he was not moving rashly. Besides, the thought of dealing with crowds at the airport was unbearable right now. His nerves were as frayed as his muscles were tight.
He pulled up to his parent's house, neat and tidy as always. His mother's flowerbeds looked lovely, as always. Jensen sat in his truck for a moment or two, preparing to see them, wondering what the evening would bring. He knew they were excited he'd come for a visit, it's been a long while since he's been here.
Show time, time to exit the truck and go to the kitchen door. He knocked, but then went right in without waiting. His mother was busy in the kitchen, dinner just about ready to serve. Jensen could hear his dad was saying something to his mom from the dining room. Jensen called out and Donna whirled around, delight on her face.
"Jensen!! Oh, baby, I'm so happy to see you!" Donna grabbed his hands to pull him further into the kitchen, then hugged him tight. "Alan! He's here!"
Alan came in and joined in the hug, his arms wrapping around Jensen and Donna both.
"It's so good to see you, son! It's been too long this time!" Alan said, clapping Jensen on the shoulder.
Jensen smiled, genuinely happy to see his parents. They look good - healthy, fit. But, man! When did they start getting old? His mother's hair was the same soft blonde as always, thanks to her hairdresser, but the texture of her skin was like gently crumpled rose petals. Alan's hair had finished turning completely white, and his face was carved by wrinkles running from cheekbone to chin. A handsome man still, but far from a young one.
"Go wash up for dinner, Jensen, and come right on into the dining room. Everything is ready, your timing is perfect!" Donna bustled to plate up the last dishes.
Jensen went into the powder room and washed his hands and face. He felt grimy from the road, but he'd shower later. If he hadn't had to leave by then, that is. He dried his face with the towel. One thing at a time, dude. One thing at a time.
Dinner was many of his favorites - his mother's baked chicken, her biscuits, her mac and cheese. A couple of vegetables to choose from, and plenty of sweet tea. Jensen started to relax under the effects of the food, the cessation of driving, and the beaming regard of his parents. They ate and talked, Donna and Alan asking about his life in L.A. and how the show was doing, telling him how they watched every episode, asking what was the set like, and so on. In return, Jensen heard about their various activities, how his brother was doing with the new baby, and how Mac was adjusting to married life. Jensen found himself laughing at Donna's lively descriptions and Alan's dry observations.
After dinner, Jensen helped clear, but then his mother shooed them into the living room with coffee and strawberry pie. The change of room broke the delicate sense of peace that dinner had given Jensen, and his tension returned full force. He sat there silently, unable to speak, as Donna and Alan settled with their dessert.
Alan sipped his coffee, and then cleared his throat, startling Jensen.
"Son, it's wonderful to see you, but it's clear that you aren't here just to catch up. You look like you're barely hanging on by your fingernails right now. Something's on your mind, boy, so spill it."
Jensen put his cup and plate on the side table before he broke them with his tense, clumsy fingers.
"Momma, Daddy, I need to talk to you both. I need to tell you something that I should have told you long ago, and I hope it doesn't affect how you think of me."
"Jensen, honey, what is it? You're scaring me," his mother said. She reached over and gripped Alan's hand.
Alan said, "You know we love you, son. Nothing you say can change that."
Jensen closed his eyes, praying that would be true. Time to bite the bullet after all these years and just say it.
"I'm gay."
Silence.
Jensen looked from his mom to his dad and back again. Their faces were expectant, their eyes fixed on him. He was confused by their reaction.
"Uh . . . did you hear me? I said I'm gay, Mom, Dad. I have been all my life - I just never had the courage to tell you."
Now his parents exchanged glances before looking at Jensen again.
"Well, yeah, son. We knew that." His dad finally said. "But what did you want to tell us now?"
Jensen's jaw dropped.
"What? I mean, ah . . . what?? You . . . you know? You knew? How? And, uh, how long?"
Donna smiled as she answered him. "Oh, honey, is this what you were so nervous about? Sweetie, we figured it out a few years ago. We just never said anything because it was your business, and we didn't want to meddle. We thought you'd tell us when you were ready. I confess I thought you'd have said something before now, but Alan said you'd get around to it one day. And . . . here you are!"
Alan chimed in.
"Frankly, Jensen, we thought you might have come to confess that you were in love with Jared, and you two were finally ready to be together. That boy loved you like crazy, and we could see how nuts you were about him."
Jensen was stunned afresh. His parents had figured out he was gay, and they were perfectly fine with it. To cap it off, they thought he and Jared had been a couple. Not just thought it - expected it. He couldn't process it all, his brain was spinning as it struggled to catch up to this conversation.
"How did you guys figure all of this out? I thought . . . I tried . . ."
"Oh, yes, you tried to keep it all on the QT." Alan replied. "But, son, we're your parents. We love you. We know you. It was pretty plain a long time ago that girls weren't whetting your whistle." Donna smacked his arm lightly, and he chuckled. "And even more plain, was seeing you two boys together. Jared's feelings were written all over his face. The boy is not subtle when he's not acting. And you - Jensen, your heart shone out your eyes every time you looked at him. You just radiated love. Your mom and I, we never saw you look happier than when you were with Jared. We didn't figure out the nature of that love at the time, that was way before my epiphany, but there was no mistaking that love it was. We've always been confounded how the two of you went different ways after Supernatural. You haven't been anywhere near that happy since."
"Jensen, dear, this is still all your business, but - if we might ask, darling, what happened?" Donna asked. "Jared's career seems to be doing well, but I never see him with anyone in any pictures or interviews. Has he been alone all this time, too? What happened between you, honey? Why on earth aren't you together?"
Jensen was silent a moment, his mind torn between absorbing his parents' words and trying to form an answer to their questions.
"Remember when Jared and I went to the Outer Banks during the Supernatural hiatus before the final year? It, uh . . . it happened then. We finally told each other how we felt. That we loved each other, and not like brothers or best friends. We were there for two weeks, and . . ." Jensen fought tears back. "It was the best two weeks of my life. And then we came back to Vancouver, and it worked for a while. We kept it quiet, and we worked on the show, and we were living in Jared's house. God, it was . . . it was wonderful. He was wonderful." Jensen had to stop for a moment, wiping his eyes with the tissues his mother quietly pressed into his hand.
"Then Jared got it in his head that he wanted to come out. He didn't want to hide anymore. He wanted us to be together and be out and damn who didn't like it. And . . . I couldn't. I couldn't do it, Momma. I was so worried about what would happen to my career, my life as an actor. And even more, I was worried about you. Both of you." He looked directly at his parents. "I know you had certain views about homosexuality, and I . . . all I could think was that you'd hate me. That you wouldn't want me to be your son anymore. And as much as I disagreed with that, I still couldn't risk it. I love you, you're my parents, and I didn't want that to end."
Jensen fell silent, dropping his eyes from his parents to wipe them, and clearing his throat before he continued.
"So that's what happened with us. We couldn't agree on it, and we broke up near the end of Supernatural. He's been living his life ever since, and I'm living mine."
"Oh, my dear," Donna spoke softly. "I'm so, so sorry. I wish now we had spoken sooner and told you we knew. It wouldn't have been in time for you two back then, but maybe we could have spared you some heartache since. We were so afraid you'd be offended or angry that we were messing around in your life. But now . . . I wish we'd risked it." She, too, dabbed at her eyes.
"Jensen, you're right about how we used to think. I considered homosexuality a crime against God and nature." Jensen's head jerked over to face his father. "Relax. I had my epiphany. And I just thank God that I didn't have it too late."
Jensen sat back, looking at his dad with curiosity. He felt drained after steeling himself to be so open with his parents. Now he found himself able to relax somewhat as Alan told his story.
"When I retired a couple of years ago, I decided to become a lay visitor for the church, as you know. I go around to a few local hospitals and visit the sick and injured who can't get to church. They desire some company and prayer, some spiritual sustenance. I'm not a minister, but I do have faith and some training, and I wanted to help my church, give something back to people. It's been very rewarding, and I still do some visiting today."
"One of my visits one day was to a young man in the VA hospital. He had been injured quite badly in Iraq. His life was no longer in danger, but he was going to be in the hospital for a while still, and then would have to go for rehabilitation. He was very personable - intelligent, thoughtful, a good conversationalist. He was very pleased to have me visit. We'd read the Bible together, pray, and simply chat - he was lonely, happy for the company. I admired how well he dealt with his injuries and pain - he handled his situation with grace. He had a strong faith, and told me more than once how grateful he was for my ministry to him during his trial. In turn, I admired his faith, his perseverance, and his fortitude."
"I grew quite fond of Ryan, as my young man was named. In fact, I cared for him quite like a son. He was around the age you were when you moved to California, Jensen, and when I looked at him, I could see you. I thought you would handle yourself very similarly, if you found yourself in a like situation. He had a good sense of humor - dry, like yours - and while he had a certain natural reserve, he was not distant with people. He enjoyed smiling and chatting with his fellow patients and their visitors."
"At some point, during one of our discussions, I asked Ryan about his post-hospital plans. I knew he still had some rehab ahead of him, but it would be as an out-patient, and he could return home to complete it. I said to him 'so, Ryan, who's the pretty girl that's waiting for you at home?' And he answered, 'No pretty girl waiting for me, Alan, but there's a strong, beautiful man there that I fell in love with six years ago. We met in high school, and we've been together ever since. He supported my enlisting, but then he got real scared when my deployment came up. I kept telling him everything would be fine, that I would be fine,' and Ryan laughed a little there as he wiped a tear at the same time. 'Clearly not as fine as we hoped, but I'm alive, and I'll be pretty much okay, and most importantly, we'll be together again. God saw fit to watch over me, and now I'll do my best to help watch over others.'"
"I'm not gonna lie, son, I was stunned. This young man had so many of the qualities that I admire in a man: he was pious, stalwart, patriotic, aspired to only do good, and to serve his fellow man and God. And he was gay. He was, as they say, out and proud."
Alan paused for a moment, swept up in the emotions of his story. He sipped his coffee and turned to Donna, putting his arm around her for a brief squeeze. Jensen was totally wrapped up in Alan's recounting.
"Son, I think back now," Alan resumed. "I think back, and I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed of myself, and of the unreasoning hatred of homosexuals that I harbored in the past. The scales fell from my eyes that day, as I sat and looked at Ryan's earnest, open face and listened to his words. I thought, I was to minister to him, dear Lord, and he has ministered to me instead. And I was thankful I'd been given the opportunity to learn and to change, before it was too late."
Jensen swallowed thickly, refusing to give way to the tears filling his eyes. Alan saw his emotional reaction, but gave Jensen the time he needed to control himself, knowing Jensen's reluctance for emotional displays. When Jensen appeared a little calmer, Alan went on.
"There are some things I just don't want to know about, and I don't apologize for that. I don't need to know about the actual sex stuff, for instance, it's just not my business. Whether it's a man and a woman, or two men, or two women - what they do for their love and pleasure is their concern, and theirs alone. But what I do know is that love is love, and that's what is important, not which person is what gender."
Jensen cleared his throat again, getting up to get some water in the kitchen and collect his thoughts. He'd never dreamed his father could change like this, could learn to accept something he'd so reviled in the past. Returning to the living room, Jensen sat down and asked his parents a question.
"Mom, Dad, you said you . . . knew about me already. How did you know? When?"
Donna answered this time.
"It's little things, really, but over time they add up. And as you watch your child grow up, you just know things about them. Sometimes you can see something coming way before it arrives. You were never interested in girls, you just went through the motions of dating to fit in. And you had your good friends, but then there would be someone that would coax that extra twinkle out of your eye, and I'd know you were crushing on them. You loved your football and your sports and video games and roughnecking, but that just proved you were a boy. Frankly, I never said anything to your father, because I knew how he felt about it, but I saw him watching too and I knew he wasn't missing anything. He was just pretending it wasn't there, but deep down, he knew."
"When your daddy went through his epiphany with Ryan, he came to me to talk about it. We've always talked about things, even if we didn't always agree. He told me everything he just told you, and then he sat there, just holding my hand and looking at it. He sighed, and he looked up at me, and he said 'Donna, our boy is gay.' And I just burst into tears. It was such a relief to hear him say that - to have that secret out between us. It's so hard to keep something like that from your partner. But he'd said it, and now we could talk about it together. We talked about you, Jensen, and we agreed that whenever you decided to come to us, we would finally talk about it with you, and you wouldn't feel you had to hide it from us anymore. But we had to wait because, dear, it's your personal business, your decision. It's your life, honey, but we're always here to support you."
Part 10
Author: firesign10
Beta: pipisafoat
Pairing(s): J2 (Jared/Jensen)
Word Count: 44,270 total / 5040 this part
Genre: SPN RPS, non-AU
Rating: R for language and subject matter
Warnings: M/M sex, angst
Spoiler(s): Season 1 through the end of Season 5
Disclaimer: It's all fiction: Jensen, Jared, and all other parties belong to themselves; none of this happened in real life; I have an overactive imagination. Supernatural is a property of the CW and does not in any way belong to me. Lyrics at the beginning of the story are from the song, "Pay Phone" by Maroon 5, and do not in any way belong to me.
Summary: Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles first meet as co-stars on a new tv show, Supernatural. Co-stars become best friends . . . until their relationship changes one summer, as they vacation together at the Outer Banks in North Carolina. It's idyllic there . . . but what about the rest of the world? Jensen and Jared find that they have very different ideas about life and love. Can they make it work in Vancouver and California? Will their relationship grow in the public eye, or wither in the closet? And how long can true love last?
Also featuring Genevieve Cortese; Jim Beaver; Donna and Alan Ackles; Ellen DeGeneres. Mentioned: Sandy McCoy; Misha Collins; Eric Kripke. Dan Spilo, various actors
Masterpost
Back to Part 8
Jensen ducked out of the studio as the audience began to leave. Ellen and Jared were already gone. Jensen wandered back to the Carry On studio in a daze. Why was Jared wearing the cuff? Their cuff? Jensen knew that he was the 'lost love' Jared had talked about, that part was easy. But . . . the cuff? Was it merely a piece of jewelry now, or did it still mean what it meant six years ago? How could Jensen guess which was the truth? Would he ever find out the answer?
The last question slapped Jensen like a bucket of cold water. Why should he find out? What difference would it make, after all these years? Jensen scrubbed at his face with his hands, feeling tired and itchy and irritable with all these unanswered questions. He was angry too, angry that the half-life he'd settled for and settled into was all of a sudden in question. Seeing Jared, hearing Jared speak so freely about his life, made Jensen feel that a huge part of himself had woken up, that he'd been asleep or sedated, for a long time. Like any limb that's been asleep and is now awake, it hurt. Jensen hurt all over, his skin full of the pins and needles feeling that comes with the return of circulation. His head hurt from trying to think and guess and imagine the answers to his questions. And his heart hurt with a big, fucking ache that made him nauseous. An ache that could consume him whole, if he were to let it. Even Jensen, I-don't-give-a-shit-anymore Jensen, was scared of that possibility.
Thankfully, he had no scenes to film that day. Jensen walked out to the parking lot on auto-pilot, slipping behind the wheel of his truck. Enough of his brain was working that he got home safely, tossing his keys on the kitchen counter as he headed for the bar and a drink, or five. Perching on a stool, he poured a double whiskey and drank it straight down, pouring another when he was done. This one went slower, Jensen sipping it rather than guzzling it. His mind was on pause - images and random thoughts were floating around, but nothing was connecting to or making any sense. He sat there for a long time, even once his glass was empty.
Hunger finally made him move. Jensen poured another large drink and went into the kitchen, throwing together a sandwich and a salad. He sipped the whiskey as he ate. The food revived him a little, and he went into the bedroom and took a shower. He got into bed and just lay there, staring at the ceiling. He got back up and went over to his dresser, opening the top drawer that held his watches and jewelry. Picking up a square wooden box, silky smooth to the touch and with a beautiful, inlaid pattern on the lid, he brought it back to the bed and sat down cross-legged. He opened the box and just looked at the silver and copper cuff inside that sat on a bed of crumpled black velvet. The metal gleamed against the soft black of the fabric, and Jensen ran his finger all the way around the curve. He turned and put the box on his night table, lying back down and closing his eyes, staring at his eyelids until he finally fell asleep. His sleep was full of restless dreams, dreams riddled with the crashing of ocean waves, dimples flashing in a wide smile, and long brown hair framing tilted, multi-hued eyes.
Jensen woke up abruptly around 3:30 a.m. and discovered that his cheeks were wet. His throat was aching, like he'd been sobbing or crying out. He swung his legs over the side of the bed and sat there for a little while, trying to marshal his thoughts. He got up and pissed, then went to the kitchen and poured a glass of water. Sitting on the sofa, he turned on the tv and channel surfed for a while. Food shows, infomercials, news, old sitcoms, old movies - nothing could hold his attention. Law & Order was on - of course Law & Order was on, it was always on - and he paused there. Jensen saw himself walk onscreen, and he suddenly realized that it was his episode, L&O:CI, the one with the racehorse scam. The one where he'd run into Genevieve.
He kept watching, seeing Gen come out of the stable, seeing himself try to warn the breeder about the scam, watching Goren and Eames put the case together. He could hear Genevieve talking in his head, telling him at lunch that day about Jared's interview, that he'd come out. He felt frozen, stuck there on the couch, utterly cold and unable to move, watching the characters parade around spouting their lines. His face was chilly - he touched it and felt moisture on it. Tears were running down his face, silently heralding his distress.
The show ended. Jensen forced himself to move, wiping his face with the backs of his hands as he picked up the phone. He didn't know if the number he had would work, but he hit it anyway. Four rings, and he thought he was going to voicemail when someone picked up.
"Do you know what the fuck time it is? It's five o'clock in the fucking morning. You better have a good fucking reason to be calling me at fucking five o'clock in the morning." A woman's sleep-husky voice said.
"Genevieve?"
"Who the fuck else do you think it's gonna be, Princess Diana? Who the fuck is this?" Genevieve clearly was not an early riser. Jensen felt a slightly hysterical giggle try to escape his throat.
"It's Jensen, Gen, it's me - Jensen."
"Jensen? Jensen Ackles? Nice to hear from you and all, but why the fuck are you calling me to begin with, much less at - "
"At five fucking o'clock in the morning, yeah, yeah. Um, sorry about that. It's just . . . uh, you . . . I think you're the only one who can help me, Gen. And I really, really need some help here."
"Good God, Jensen, you finally go off your neurotic rocker? What on earth do you need to know that can't wait for sunrise?" Jensen heard fabric sliding and then footsteps. "Gimme two seconds to pee and you can ask your damn question." A clunk was probably the phone being put down, and Jensen was rational enough to be glad Genevieve hadn't taken the phone into the bathroom with her. He got up himself and went into the kitchen, setting up the coffeepot to brew while he waited.
"Jensen, you there?" Genevieve's voice was clearer now. "What is this, some pre-dawn existential crisis? Or your panties finally in too big a knot to undo?"
Even in his current state, Jensen couldn't help rolling his eyes. He and Gen had never been great friends, the shadow of a sasquatch falling between them. He huffed a deep breath and answered her.
"I saw him today, Gen." He paused to calm himself. "He was taping on Ellen, and I went over to watch. He was talking about his new movie, and, y'know, where he was at . . ."
"You mean he talked about being bi and out?" Gen's voice was tart, and Jensen winced.
"Yeah. Both. Bi and out. And he said . . . he said about how he'd been in love, 'really, truly, gutwrenchingly in love' was how he put it, and I swear, Gen, I thought I was gonna stroke out right there." Even in memory, Jensen shuddered with the impact of Jared's statement.
"Because you thought he was gonna out you? Or because you wanted to go up there and tell him you love him? I think you know, Jensen, that Jared would never out you, he would never do that to you. So does that mean that you wanted to go up to him? Tell him you still love him? Is that what you want, Jen, but you just can't fucking admit it to yourself?"
Jensen was silently freaking out, his heart pounding, his eyes tearing. "I don't know, okay? I don't know what I want, what I should do. I just - oh god, seeing him like that, it just fucking tore me up. My life runs on barely scraping by, Gen, but I don't think there's anything I can do about it! I'm too chicken-shit to even tell my parents that I'm gay, much less the entire fucking free world. How can I even try to be with him, it'll be like six years ago all over again, and that'll kill us, kill me. I can't walk away from him a second time, Gen, it will kill me." Jensen's eyes were overflowing now, tears streaming down his face, his nose running.
Genevieve sighed deeply. "Damn, Jensen, you really are fucked up, aren't you?" Another sigh, followed by a pause. "Okay, here's what you need to do - you need to talk to your parents. I'm pretty sure they're the root of your coming out fear to begin with. It's time they find out who you are, Jen, who you really are. You need to tell them, or you're never going to be able to get through this at all. You can't keep going like this, not after seeing Jared and getting all stirred up. Not after facing how empty your life really is. It's time. Man up, dude, and tell the folks who the hell you really are. And once you've done that, maybe you'll be able to figure the next step out from there."
Jensen sat frozen, clutching the phone. "Holy fuck, Gen, I . . . I can't . . ." And as he was about to utter more random syllables, he saw Jared again, standing on the stage with Ellen DeGeneres, waving enthusiastically to an audience who clearly loved him. If Jared could discuss his bisexuality in front of a viewing audience of millions, couldn't Jensen talk to the two adults who raised him and tell them he was gay? Couldn't he at least try?
After apologizing again to Genevieve for waking her so early, Jensen clicked off his phone and sat at the kitchen counter, drinking coffee until the sun came up. Stirring himself at the brightening sky, he went upstairs to shower and dress. Standing there with his dresser drawers open, Jensen found himself taking clothes out - a couple of tee shirts, boxers, socks, jeans. He walked to the closet and put on a button-down over his tee, then selected a couple others. His pajama pants joined the pile, and then his toiletries, as he finished using them for the morning. He found his old duffel in the bottom of the closet, and threw the pile on his bed into it. Taking the bag downstairs, he poured a big travel mug full of his coffee, deciding to pick up a bagel as he left town. He vaguely realized that he hadn't made a conscious decision about this - he was running on instinct alone. Part of him felt that he didn't want to analyze what he was doing too closely. Jensen had spent a lot of his life analyzing and calculating his behavior and actions - maybe it was time to try something new.
Jensen threw the duffel into the passenger seat of his truck, hopping into the driver's seat with his mug in hand afterward. Starting the truck, he shifted it into gear and headed out of his driveway, thumbing at his phone as he did. He spoke to his producer, checking that he wasn't scheduled for a couple of days, and then rescheduling the next day after that. He explained he'd had a family emergency come up and needed to go out of town briefly. The producer hoped that all was going to be well, and Jensen mm-hmmed non-committally, then disconnected the call. He got on the freeway heading east - toward Texas.
Jensen was so tired - the drive had drained him. It was probably the tension - every muscle in his body felt tense, like he'd never relax again. Adding in the fatigue of a long drive, even with a short overnight stop, he was seriously whipped. But now Jensen was in the homestretch, quite literally, arriving at his parents' house in less than an hour. He could have flown, of course, but he wanted to take the extra time of driving so he could ready himself for this. Jensen was moving quickly, but he was not moving rashly. Besides, the thought of dealing with crowds at the airport was unbearable right now. His nerves were as frayed as his muscles were tight.
He pulled up to his parent's house, neat and tidy as always. His mother's flowerbeds looked lovely, as always. Jensen sat in his truck for a moment or two, preparing to see them, wondering what the evening would bring. He knew they were excited he'd come for a visit, it's been a long while since he's been here.
Show time, time to exit the truck and go to the kitchen door. He knocked, but then went right in without waiting. His mother was busy in the kitchen, dinner just about ready to serve. Jensen could hear his dad was saying something to his mom from the dining room. Jensen called out and Donna whirled around, delight on her face.
"Jensen!! Oh, baby, I'm so happy to see you!" Donna grabbed his hands to pull him further into the kitchen, then hugged him tight. "Alan! He's here!"
Alan came in and joined in the hug, his arms wrapping around Jensen and Donna both.
"It's so good to see you, son! It's been too long this time!" Alan said, clapping Jensen on the shoulder.
Jensen smiled, genuinely happy to see his parents. They look good - healthy, fit. But, man! When did they start getting old? His mother's hair was the same soft blonde as always, thanks to her hairdresser, but the texture of her skin was like gently crumpled rose petals. Alan's hair had finished turning completely white, and his face was carved by wrinkles running from cheekbone to chin. A handsome man still, but far from a young one.
"Go wash up for dinner, Jensen, and come right on into the dining room. Everything is ready, your timing is perfect!" Donna bustled to plate up the last dishes.
Jensen went into the powder room and washed his hands and face. He felt grimy from the road, but he'd shower later. If he hadn't had to leave by then, that is. He dried his face with the towel. One thing at a time, dude. One thing at a time.
Dinner was many of his favorites - his mother's baked chicken, her biscuits, her mac and cheese. A couple of vegetables to choose from, and plenty of sweet tea. Jensen started to relax under the effects of the food, the cessation of driving, and the beaming regard of his parents. They ate and talked, Donna and Alan asking about his life in L.A. and how the show was doing, telling him how they watched every episode, asking what was the set like, and so on. In return, Jensen heard about their various activities, how his brother was doing with the new baby, and how Mac was adjusting to married life. Jensen found himself laughing at Donna's lively descriptions and Alan's dry observations.
After dinner, Jensen helped clear, but then his mother shooed them into the living room with coffee and strawberry pie. The change of room broke the delicate sense of peace that dinner had given Jensen, and his tension returned full force. He sat there silently, unable to speak, as Donna and Alan settled with their dessert.
Alan sipped his coffee, and then cleared his throat, startling Jensen.
"Son, it's wonderful to see you, but it's clear that you aren't here just to catch up. You look like you're barely hanging on by your fingernails right now. Something's on your mind, boy, so spill it."
Jensen put his cup and plate on the side table before he broke them with his tense, clumsy fingers.
"Momma, Daddy, I need to talk to you both. I need to tell you something that I should have told you long ago, and I hope it doesn't affect how you think of me."
"Jensen, honey, what is it? You're scaring me," his mother said. She reached over and gripped Alan's hand.
Alan said, "You know we love you, son. Nothing you say can change that."
Jensen closed his eyes, praying that would be true. Time to bite the bullet after all these years and just say it.
"I'm gay."
Silence.
Jensen looked from his mom to his dad and back again. Their faces were expectant, their eyes fixed on him. He was confused by their reaction.
"Uh . . . did you hear me? I said I'm gay, Mom, Dad. I have been all my life - I just never had the courage to tell you."
Now his parents exchanged glances before looking at Jensen again.
"Well, yeah, son. We knew that." His dad finally said. "But what did you want to tell us now?"
Jensen's jaw dropped.
"What? I mean, ah . . . what?? You . . . you know? You knew? How? And, uh, how long?"
Donna smiled as she answered him. "Oh, honey, is this what you were so nervous about? Sweetie, we figured it out a few years ago. We just never said anything because it was your business, and we didn't want to meddle. We thought you'd tell us when you were ready. I confess I thought you'd have said something before now, but Alan said you'd get around to it one day. And . . . here you are!"
Alan chimed in.
"Frankly, Jensen, we thought you might have come to confess that you were in love with Jared, and you two were finally ready to be together. That boy loved you like crazy, and we could see how nuts you were about him."
Jensen was stunned afresh. His parents had figured out he was gay, and they were perfectly fine with it. To cap it off, they thought he and Jared had been a couple. Not just thought it - expected it. He couldn't process it all, his brain was spinning as it struggled to catch up to this conversation.
"How did you guys figure all of this out? I thought . . . I tried . . ."
"Oh, yes, you tried to keep it all on the QT." Alan replied. "But, son, we're your parents. We love you. We know you. It was pretty plain a long time ago that girls weren't whetting your whistle." Donna smacked his arm lightly, and he chuckled. "And even more plain, was seeing you two boys together. Jared's feelings were written all over his face. The boy is not subtle when he's not acting. And you - Jensen, your heart shone out your eyes every time you looked at him. You just radiated love. Your mom and I, we never saw you look happier than when you were with Jared. We didn't figure out the nature of that love at the time, that was way before my epiphany, but there was no mistaking that love it was. We've always been confounded how the two of you went different ways after Supernatural. You haven't been anywhere near that happy since."
"Jensen, dear, this is still all your business, but - if we might ask, darling, what happened?" Donna asked. "Jared's career seems to be doing well, but I never see him with anyone in any pictures or interviews. Has he been alone all this time, too? What happened between you, honey? Why on earth aren't you together?"
Jensen was silent a moment, his mind torn between absorbing his parents' words and trying to form an answer to their questions.
"Remember when Jared and I went to the Outer Banks during the Supernatural hiatus before the final year? It, uh . . . it happened then. We finally told each other how we felt. That we loved each other, and not like brothers or best friends. We were there for two weeks, and . . ." Jensen fought tears back. "It was the best two weeks of my life. And then we came back to Vancouver, and it worked for a while. We kept it quiet, and we worked on the show, and we were living in Jared's house. God, it was . . . it was wonderful. He was wonderful." Jensen had to stop for a moment, wiping his eyes with the tissues his mother quietly pressed into his hand.
"Then Jared got it in his head that he wanted to come out. He didn't want to hide anymore. He wanted us to be together and be out and damn who didn't like it. And . . . I couldn't. I couldn't do it, Momma. I was so worried about what would happen to my career, my life as an actor. And even more, I was worried about you. Both of you." He looked directly at his parents. "I know you had certain views about homosexuality, and I . . . all I could think was that you'd hate me. That you wouldn't want me to be your son anymore. And as much as I disagreed with that, I still couldn't risk it. I love you, you're my parents, and I didn't want that to end."
Jensen fell silent, dropping his eyes from his parents to wipe them, and clearing his throat before he continued.
"So that's what happened with us. We couldn't agree on it, and we broke up near the end of Supernatural. He's been living his life ever since, and I'm living mine."
"Oh, my dear," Donna spoke softly. "I'm so, so sorry. I wish now we had spoken sooner and told you we knew. It wouldn't have been in time for you two back then, but maybe we could have spared you some heartache since. We were so afraid you'd be offended or angry that we were messing around in your life. But now . . . I wish we'd risked it." She, too, dabbed at her eyes.
"Jensen, you're right about how we used to think. I considered homosexuality a crime against God and nature." Jensen's head jerked over to face his father. "Relax. I had my epiphany. And I just thank God that I didn't have it too late."
Jensen sat back, looking at his dad with curiosity. He felt drained after steeling himself to be so open with his parents. Now he found himself able to relax somewhat as Alan told his story.
"When I retired a couple of years ago, I decided to become a lay visitor for the church, as you know. I go around to a few local hospitals and visit the sick and injured who can't get to church. They desire some company and prayer, some spiritual sustenance. I'm not a minister, but I do have faith and some training, and I wanted to help my church, give something back to people. It's been very rewarding, and I still do some visiting today."
"One of my visits one day was to a young man in the VA hospital. He had been injured quite badly in Iraq. His life was no longer in danger, but he was going to be in the hospital for a while still, and then would have to go for rehabilitation. He was very personable - intelligent, thoughtful, a good conversationalist. He was very pleased to have me visit. We'd read the Bible together, pray, and simply chat - he was lonely, happy for the company. I admired how well he dealt with his injuries and pain - he handled his situation with grace. He had a strong faith, and told me more than once how grateful he was for my ministry to him during his trial. In turn, I admired his faith, his perseverance, and his fortitude."
"I grew quite fond of Ryan, as my young man was named. In fact, I cared for him quite like a son. He was around the age you were when you moved to California, Jensen, and when I looked at him, I could see you. I thought you would handle yourself very similarly, if you found yourself in a like situation. He had a good sense of humor - dry, like yours - and while he had a certain natural reserve, he was not distant with people. He enjoyed smiling and chatting with his fellow patients and their visitors."
"At some point, during one of our discussions, I asked Ryan about his post-hospital plans. I knew he still had some rehab ahead of him, but it would be as an out-patient, and he could return home to complete it. I said to him 'so, Ryan, who's the pretty girl that's waiting for you at home?' And he answered, 'No pretty girl waiting for me, Alan, but there's a strong, beautiful man there that I fell in love with six years ago. We met in high school, and we've been together ever since. He supported my enlisting, but then he got real scared when my deployment came up. I kept telling him everything would be fine, that I would be fine,' and Ryan laughed a little there as he wiped a tear at the same time. 'Clearly not as fine as we hoped, but I'm alive, and I'll be pretty much okay, and most importantly, we'll be together again. God saw fit to watch over me, and now I'll do my best to help watch over others.'"
"I'm not gonna lie, son, I was stunned. This young man had so many of the qualities that I admire in a man: he was pious, stalwart, patriotic, aspired to only do good, and to serve his fellow man and God. And he was gay. He was, as they say, out and proud."
Alan paused for a moment, swept up in the emotions of his story. He sipped his coffee and turned to Donna, putting his arm around her for a brief squeeze. Jensen was totally wrapped up in Alan's recounting.
"Son, I think back now," Alan resumed. "I think back, and I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed of myself, and of the unreasoning hatred of homosexuals that I harbored in the past. The scales fell from my eyes that day, as I sat and looked at Ryan's earnest, open face and listened to his words. I thought, I was to minister to him, dear Lord, and he has ministered to me instead. And I was thankful I'd been given the opportunity to learn and to change, before it was too late."
Jensen swallowed thickly, refusing to give way to the tears filling his eyes. Alan saw his emotional reaction, but gave Jensen the time he needed to control himself, knowing Jensen's reluctance for emotional displays. When Jensen appeared a little calmer, Alan went on.
"There are some things I just don't want to know about, and I don't apologize for that. I don't need to know about the actual sex stuff, for instance, it's just not my business. Whether it's a man and a woman, or two men, or two women - what they do for their love and pleasure is their concern, and theirs alone. But what I do know is that love is love, and that's what is important, not which person is what gender."
Jensen cleared his throat again, getting up to get some water in the kitchen and collect his thoughts. He'd never dreamed his father could change like this, could learn to accept something he'd so reviled in the past. Returning to the living room, Jensen sat down and asked his parents a question.
"Mom, Dad, you said you . . . knew about me already. How did you know? When?"
Donna answered this time.
"It's little things, really, but over time they add up. And as you watch your child grow up, you just know things about them. Sometimes you can see something coming way before it arrives. You were never interested in girls, you just went through the motions of dating to fit in. And you had your good friends, but then there would be someone that would coax that extra twinkle out of your eye, and I'd know you were crushing on them. You loved your football and your sports and video games and roughnecking, but that just proved you were a boy. Frankly, I never said anything to your father, because I knew how he felt about it, but I saw him watching too and I knew he wasn't missing anything. He was just pretending it wasn't there, but deep down, he knew."
"When your daddy went through his epiphany with Ryan, he came to me to talk about it. We've always talked about things, even if we didn't always agree. He told me everything he just told you, and then he sat there, just holding my hand and looking at it. He sighed, and he looked up at me, and he said 'Donna, our boy is gay.' And I just burst into tears. It was such a relief to hear him say that - to have that secret out between us. It's so hard to keep something like that from your partner. But he'd said it, and now we could talk about it together. We talked about you, Jensen, and we agreed that whenever you decided to come to us, we would finally talk about it with you, and you wouldn't feel you had to hide it from us anymore. But we had to wait because, dear, it's your personal business, your decision. It's your life, honey, but we're always here to support you."
Part 10