X3 - The Last Movie (We Hope)
Okay. So - saw X3, opening night, at midnight. I was, of course, terribly impressed with the new director's complete mangling of the film. He couldn't have done a better job of puncturing my enthusiasm for all three movies if he'd had Wolverine taken out back and shot (hey, it's an allusion to classic Old Yeller! the audience will flip!!!)
Anyway. So here's what X3 has taught us...
1) A bunch of character deaths can make up for a director's total lack of ability.
2) Confuse your main storyline with a bunch of uninteresting, underdeveloped sideplots. Bring them back at random intervals, so the audience has forgotten why they care by the time they come around again.
3) Once a character's been developed by the last director, don't worry about keeping them three-dimensional. The audience should know they're off having real problems somewhere.
4) You can kill off your least favorite character in the beginning to make room for a preferred alternate coupling. It's not like people will notice or anything.
5) Giving the talentless eye-candy a large acting part will draw the audience in. Failing that, a new haircut will do the job.
6) If you can't add sex to draw in horny males because of the rating, try it with their clothing on.
7) If the actors are choking on their terrible lines, it's because they have no acting ability - "What have I done?" is classic stuff. It's not your fault Ian McKellen couldn't make it interesting.
8) If it's a giant special effect, it can't be cheesy.
9) Gaping plot holes are good for your viewers. You should always have a few, just to see if they're paying attention.
And finally, something Marvel has always known...
10) Always leave room for a sequel. Successful franchises can never die!
I haven't been posting a hell of a lot lately, but this was just... begging to be said. I imagine I won't be the only one making such a list. If you guys can come up with any more, I'm willing and waiting to read them.
Anyway. So here's what X3 has taught us...
1) A bunch of character deaths can make up for a director's total lack of ability.
2) Confuse your main storyline with a bunch of uninteresting, underdeveloped sideplots. Bring them back at random intervals, so the audience has forgotten why they care by the time they come around again.
3) Once a character's been developed by the last director, don't worry about keeping them three-dimensional. The audience should know they're off having real problems somewhere.
4) You can kill off your least favorite character in the beginning to make room for a preferred alternate coupling. It's not like people will notice or anything.
5) Giving the talentless eye-candy a large acting part will draw the audience in. Failing that, a new haircut will do the job.
6) If you can't add sex to draw in horny males because of the rating, try it with their clothing on.
7) If the actors are choking on their terrible lines, it's because they have no acting ability - "What have I done?" is classic stuff. It's not your fault Ian McKellen couldn't make it interesting.
8) If it's a giant special effect, it can't be cheesy.
9) Gaping plot holes are good for your viewers. You should always have a few, just to see if they're paying attention.
And finally, something Marvel has always known...
10) Always leave room for a sequel. Successful franchises can never die!
I haven't been posting a hell of a lot lately, but this was just... begging to be said. I imagine I won't be the only one making such a list. If you guys can come up with any more, I'm willing and waiting to read them.