Fic: Dirty Duty (1/1, CSI Miami, Ryan Wolfe / Eric Delko)
Title: Dirty Duty
Fandom: CSI Miami
Pair: Ryan Wolfe / Eric Delko,
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Not mine, etc.
CSI Miami Main List
“I honestly don’t know where to start…” Eric tried to suppress a giggle. “You got any preferences?”
“You could start by asking if you can help me in some way.” Ryan suggested.
“I didn’t mean like that. I was thinking more like: Where did that thing come from?”
“That thing?”
“And who left it with you?”
“It?”
“What?”
“She’s not an it.” Ryan prodded the baby more securely against his shoulder. “You better not let Anderson hear you calling her baby a thing.”
“Anderson left her kid with you?” Eric stepped into the locker-room and approached them carefully. “Why?”
“She had to take some papers to the personnel office. I was almost out the door when she started crying-”
“Anderson?”
“The baby started crying.” Ryan corrected. “Then Anderson started crying, because the baby was crying. She said her hormones are still going strong.”
“And she just dumped the kid with you?”
“Yeah, she said she would be back soon.”
“Does this mean I have to wait too?”
“No, you’re totally free to go.”
“Thanks.”
“And later pull a one man show all by yourself at your place.”
“When you put it like that… Do you need any help?”
“Thanks for asking.” Ryan took a steady hold of the baby, supporting her under her arms and lifted her off his chest. “You could smell her for me. I got a feeling the little princes is up to something.”
“How do you know?”
“Look at her face. She looks too happy with herself.”
“Well, can’t you just open up that…” Eric eyed the pink costumed the baby was wearing. “…whatever that is.”
“We’re around rotting corpses all the time, you can sniff a baby and tell me if she has something in her diaper.”
“Why can’t you do it?”
“I worked on that body in the sewer, remember? My nose is still playing tricks on me.”
Eric took a deep breath and leaned down to take a quick sniff.
“Yep.”
“You mean she did it?”
“Definitely.” Eric grimaced and took a step back. “No idea what Anderson’s been feeding her with, but that smell can’t be normal.”
“Hold her for a minute.” Ryan handed the squirming baby over to Eric, and grabbed a large diaper bag from underneath the bench. “For once I’m glad I had a shitty case…”
“What am I supposed to do with this?” Eric kept holding the girl at an arm’s length. The baby was giggling and looking sneakier than a little baby had any right to look.
“Her.” Ryan corrected once more. He pulled clean diaper from the bag, along with a bunch of wipes. “What do you do with her, not this.”
“It’s not like she’s gonna care what I call her! I could call her a drooling crap-factory and she wouldn’t know it.”
“Considering who her mother is, she would probably start complaining about how we oppress her basic femininity. If she could talk.”
“Yeah, probably. You’re not really gonna… change it?”
“I wouldn’t mind skipping it.” Ryan admitted. “If you promise you’ll protect me from that hormonal volcano, who left her in my care.”
“Does she still carry mace twenty-four seven?”
“As far as I know.”
“I’d rather go one-on-one with a three-time axe murderer.” Eric looked at the bundle in his arms, but the girl was happily ignoring them. “I’ll help, but I’m not touching a dirty diaper.”
The look of relief on Ryan’s face almost made up for the smell coming from the baby. Ryan pulled a pair of latex gloves from his pocket and snapped them on.
“Put her down somewhere, let’s see how bad it is.”
“I know a good place.” Eric carried the child into the communal showers. “You can take the old one off and just hose her down.”
“Hose her down? Eric, she’s not a dog!”
“I didn’t say that! But do you have any experience with diapers?”
“Not much.”
“Me neither, so this is the safest way. If we try to do it in the locker room, that stuff could fly all over the place.”
“She’s not a dog, and she’s not a sprinkler either!” Ryan groaned and took a deep breath. “Let’s just get this done, we can’t keep her in a dirty diaper.” He pulled the zipper down in the back of the baby’s one-parter, and pulled the outfit off. He folded it neatly, left it on the bench and braced himself. “I like kids, but this is really…”
“Disgusting?”
“Yeah.” Ryan pulled off the tapes keeping the diaper in place and pulled it away, quickly folding it so they couldn’t see it’s content. He shoved it into the trashcan and let out a sigh of relief. “Out of sight, out of mind.”
“Can I look now?” Eric’s eyes were still glued to the ceiling. “Is it gone?”
“Yeah, put her there.” Ryan pointed at the sink. He picked up the wad of wipes and turned the faucet on.
The operation was handled quickly and Eric’s eyes never wandered away from the ceiling lights.
“Okay, you can look down now.” Ryan dried up the baby with the wipes. “She’s all clean. At least for a while.” He dumped the used wipes into the trashcan and pulled the baby up from the sink. He took the girl back into the locker-room and placed her on the bench. “Last stretch.”
“How much stuff does one baby need?” Eric picked up the large diaper bag and weighted it in his hand. “I got less stuff in my locker.”
“But you don’t need a diaper.” Ryan lifted the baby’s rear end to shuffle a new diaper under her, then started settling the sticky tapes in correct spots. “Does this look right? It’s not the wrong way around or anything?”
“Looks fine to me.”
“I’m not even going to ask you if it’s right.” Ryan told the baby and tickled her tummy. “You’re a nice kid when you’re dry and not crying, but I wouldn’t wanna take you home with me.” He snapped off his latex gloves. “I’m starting to understand why my mom always used gloves when I was a baby.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, and I got the baby pictures to prove it. She had a thing about bacteria and everything had to be clean all the time.”
“Who does that remind me of… Let me think…” Eric grinned, pretending to be in deep thoughts. Ryan gave him a light smack on the back of his head. “Nope, doesn’t sound like anyone I know.”
“Isn’t it nice when we agree on things so easily?” Ryan smiled innocently and started wheedling the baby back into her outfit.
“Yeah, really easily. If I don’t agree with you, I won’t get any action for a week.”
“A week?”
“Well, couple days, but it feels like a week.”
“We have system and it works. Think how many times we argued over the years before I learned how to shut your mouth…” Ryan lifted the baby up to his arms and handed her over to Eric. “Locked and unloaded.”
“She’s kinda cute like this.” Eric grinned down at the baby. “Smily and crap-free.”
“Yeah.” Ryan agreed and glanced at his watch. “Anderson should be back soon, so I the next load is all for mommy.”
Eric turned the girl around so they were eye to eye.
“Well, it was nice to know you, kid, but it’ll be nice to get rid of you too.”
The response was a calculating look on the baby’s face. Before Eric could move her farther away, she threw up on his shirt. Eric was too stunned to react, his eyes going back and forth between Ryan, who was giggling like a maniac, and the baby, who looked like a puppy waiting for a treat after fetching a stick.
“Are you sure Anderson didn’t just leave this thing here and skip the country?”
“You just called her cute and now she’s a thing again?”
“This is a thing.” Eric groaned and tried to keep the grimace off his face. “This is a vicious little thing, and it`s just waiting for a chance to attack me. Just like her mommy.”