Ryan Seacrest in American Idol Season 10: A Pictorial History, Part One
So American Idol's back. And they changed some judges or something? I dunno, I wasn't really paying attention and nobody was really speculating that much.
Kidding.
Ryan Gets New Coworkers
So as best as I can figure, the real sticking point in the whole long drawn out judge selection process was this: the clause that Ryan had added to his last contract stating that any and all future judges must be 4'10 max so that his five-foot-oh-and-a-quarter (don't forget the quarter) self could finally look tall by comparison.
Or maybe he borrowed Rick Moranis' Honey I Shrunk The device and used it on the others?
Okay, that's the summer's drama covered. Let's start playing catch up with this season and see what our "I'm not small, I'm fun-sized!" host has been up to, shall we? Here are the audition eps.
Episode 1 - Ryan Goes to New Jersey
I'd make a Jersey Shore reference here but I 1) am not familiar enough with the show to make a joke about it, and 2) don't exactly want to recall The Orange Years.
So, the show starts. Ryan, who are you dressing up as today?
I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay.
Okay.
(Maybe it actually is Dress Up Day? Randy looks ready for his first day at Hogwarts.
)
So, Ryan, it's your first day back, what longstanding habit of yours are you going to fall back on to get back into the swing of Idol?
Dancing with a mom!
There's a lot going on in this picture so I've helpfully added some labels.
IDOL IS BACK, YOU GUYS!!!!!!!
Except now Ryan is fist pumping (not a euphemism) with a random orange dude and please make it stop.
Heh. Random Jersey Girl talks to the camera about her amazing ass and boobs. Then she shoves her ass in Ryan's face and tells Ryan to look at it. Ryan: "No!"
Didn't Ryan used to, like, talk with hopefuls before and after? I seem to remember lots of hugging and comforting and cheering and picking hopefuls up and being picked up by hopefuls (um, physically lifted from the ground) and chest bumping and all that. It's like he's beelining for the moms this year.
I've watched this very carefully and I'm actually not sure if this is Mom Hugging or Awkward Mom Slow Dancing. There's swaying? While tightly gripping? And singing?
Obligatory end of day = Ryan in front of a sunset shot.
New day = new wardrobe! I do miss the days of the vintage tees, but I'm not gonna complain when Ryan decides it's time to suit up.
Ooo, random clips of Ryan dancing to Miley Cyrus!
IT'S A PARTY IN THE USA!
:-D
Ryan doing what he does best.
And comforting some twins who are crying of joy. Shut up, Randy. No, Ryan is not crying. He just got something in his eye. At the exact time that people were getting really emotional in front of him. IT'S REALLY DUSTY AND RYAN HAS ALLERGIES, OKAY?
One episode, one city down. Say goodnight, allergy-stricken but totally not crying Ryan.
Episode 2 - Ryan Goes to New Orleans
So we're in New Orleans. The judges are all incorporating some Mardi Gras styling into their wardrobe. Let's check in on Ryan letting loose.
Ryan, I don't understand your life choices, but I love that they make sense to you.
Ooh, flashback to season 4!Ryan in New Orleans with his complicated zippers and complicated hair!
Back in the now, Ryan dances with a sousaphone. As you do.
Ryan gets his giggle on with multiple generations of moms.
The oldest of whom proceeds to tell him that he looks taller on television. HA!
What happens now must be documented for posterity even if I can't capture it pictorially: Ryan drawls the phrase "slow and sticky".
So some guy takes his shirt off because J.Lo must see his abs and, no, I'm not screencapping that, and then Randy and Steven Tyler lift up their shirts because of something and, no, I'm not screencapping that, and then ab guy comes out with his shirt back on but vest and tie still in hand and ab guy and his entourage are all happy that ab guy is going to Hollywood and Ryan stops the whole celebration to be all "Hollywood, singing, blah blah blah. Can you please tell me more about your abs and their magical ability to make other guys want to wear less clothes? HELP A BROTHER OUT!" I will screencap that.
On very, very rare occasions, the show stops sucking and is good for reasons that have nothing to do with Ryan and/or Simon. But also, Ryan is there making good things better.
Ryan pretends he's in a jazz band.
Ryan comforts a crying of joy grandma.
And Ry closes out the ep by once again trying to be part of a band.
And then Ryan dances with the band and the shot pulls back to reveal that Ry is dancing on the Creole Queen.
Of course he is.
Episode 3 - Ryan Goes to Milwaukee
What are you wearing in Milwauk--
Goddammit. Go away, Danny Gokey.
Wait, and now auditions are starting? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT RYAN IS WEARING YET.
Auditions are finishing and people are exiting and we can hear Ryan there but not see him and, seriously, people, Ryan could be naked right now and I can't even tell.
I'm pretty sure Nigel Lythgoe is to blame for this.
OH, HI RYAN!
You are so worth the wait, but this outfit was not. But you are giggling your ass off trying to make it through your segment while standing outside in apparently absolute zero weather, and a little you being adorable goes a long way. Er, a brief segment of you being adorable goes a long way. I didn't call you little.
Ryan goes hardcore showing off his radio voice skillz and this is where I start really missing Simon. :-( Also, I can't screencap Ryan's voice nor the lack of Simon. Milwaukee sucks.
Ryan does his mom thing.
Except it's edited explicitly and exclusively (based on what the mom says, not anything Ryan does himself) to make even more fun of a delusional hopeful that the show is already stomping on. You did such an uncharacteristically good job of avoiding this crap in New Jersey and New Orleans, show, why are you sucking so bad right now?
*sigh*
Ryan and J.Lo do a scripted bit wherein they pretend that they hate each other almost as much as I suspect they hate each other. And I hate to quote TWoP!Jacob for anything, but:
"I can't imagine being annoyed by Ryan Seacrest. He is my wonderwall."
Exactly, Jacob. Exactly.
So Ryan chats up another mom and asks if she sings and she's all "no, only to little people" meaning children and Ryan's all "THAT'S ME!"
You guys, I think Ryan discussing his height with random people's moms might be my favourite of all.
Warning: This paragraph contains zero Ryan content. I know every season has contestants barely over the minimum age and contestants in their last eligible year and every age in between, but what's really standing out about the youngest of the young this season in their segments is how much they grew up with the show. It seems like the last couple seasons featured many mid-to-upper age range hopefuls who hadn't really watched the show before but wanted to see if Idol could help them gain a national following. But the combination of the lower age limit this year and the show's duration means that the kids who have been watching every season with their family since they were 6 and decided they wanted to grow up to be Kelly Clarkson when they were 6 are now auditioning. Crazy.
Now there's a Civil War reenactor reenacting himself reenacting a Civil War and I think I hate life. And he would like us all to know that his dad is not a hippy because hippies like sex and his dad has not had sex since his mom left them and I think I want to die. Fuck, and now he's singing. This episode does not contain nearly enough Ryan to make up for this.
Wait, this nearly makes up for it. I don't even know. There is cheering and whooping and yelling and yipping and jumping up and down and group hugs and gripping Ryan's hand for support and asses being held in place in front of Ryan's crotch and dancing and singing and and Ryan spending an awfully long time bent over and Ryan's mic pack sticking out in weird places and massages and more singing and cheering and laughing and questions about tickling and discussions about proper fluid intake and also somebody gets into Hollywood and it all happens at the same time and what we actually need here is someone not me to make a clip because mere pictures cannot capture the wonder of whatever it is that is happening.
But I'll try, with lots of pictures.
And then, when that's all done and Ryan's being all *glee* and trying to fix his clothing after all that madness, we finally get to see what he's wearing on Milwaukee day 2.
And then, just when we're coming down from that excitement, Ryan gets engaged to a giant.
So there's this accountant dude who has an inch or fifty on Ryan.
Who sings and gets through and then comes out of the audition room and completely ignores his family who are right in front of him to turn to Ryan. And bury his face in Ryan's chest.
And then lift Ryan off the ground.
Several feet off the ground. And walks Ryan over the threshold or something.
Ryan is completely overcome with joy and clings to his new husband.
Then they adjust for better crotch alignment.
Then they have their first dance.
And only then does the guy turn back to his cheering family, with an arm still around Ryan's waist, all "Mom? Dad? I have somebody I want you to meet."
At least that's how I interpret what just happened.
Between this guy and the family before, I have almost stopped hating Milwaukee.
And then I don't know. Ryan being amusing in a montage but the bits are too quick to see what's going on.
Ryan closes out the ep in an outfit I don't recognize and might actually be from the next city.
Goodbye, Milwaukee.
Episode 4 - Ryan Goes to Nashville
Hi, Ryan-in-Nashville!
Ryan saying "Rymon" will never get old. Okay, maybe he's saying "Ryman" as in the theatre, but la la la la.
Carrie Underwood clips.
Okay, so lemme digress a bit here for some Carrie Underwood news that is all drama in Ottawa, where I live, and probably hasn't been covered anywhere else except Carrie fan places. So. Ottawa is the capital of Canada and Canada likes its hockey and Ottawa likes most of its hockey players. Many years back, this pretty young hockey player named Mike Fisher came to play for Ottawa and he was good. (And also pretty. I've always thought that he looks like what would happen if Sean Maher and Matthew Bomer had a lovechild who was somehow incredibly straight and jock-y.) And then Mike started dating this person who was from some singing reality show and then they got engaged and then they got married and Ottawa was all happy because people here like Mike Fisher. (And somewhere in here I discovered Ryan Seacrest and Carrie Underwood stopped being 'some singer person who is dating Mike Fisher' and started being 'omg somebody who knows Ryan Seacrest is frequently visiting Ottawa!!!!') And then Mike decided that he wanted to move to Nashville with his wife and got traded and all of Ottawa was like D-: and some (all? most?) Ottawa radio stations got all "stop stealing our hockey boyfriend, Carrie Underwood! we are banning all your music from our stations!" and Ottawa radio listeners were all "yes, we hate Carrie! never give her airtime ever!" and Carrie and Mike were like D-: and this has seriously been a daily news item in Ottawa for the past couple weeks. I think Ryan Seacrest needs to come to Ottawa and negotiate a peace treaty between Carrie Underwood and the radio people and Carrie's hot Ottawa hubby.
Back to Ryan. Here he is being confused by problematic math when a hopeful tries to convince him (and herself) that zero equals one.
Ryan, the relationship counsellor.
And totally taking sides, hee!
Buddy here was bawling on Ryan in what seemed to be several different locations and Ryan must have needed a wardrobe change after because Buddy looked like his crying was the snotty kind.
Ryan, on the subject of a hopeful making out with someone who turns out not to be her dad but was thought by Ryan to be her dad at the time of the making out: "Holy cow."
So sometimes Ryan kind of asks leading questions in his interview-y moments with hopefuls that result in their inner crazy being revealed. And other times, Ryan just steps back and shuts down and lets the crazy announce itself.
Huh, not much Ryan in Nashville.
Episode 5 - Ryan Goes to Austin
Aw! Austin auditions get held up because Ryan is late because he's busy talking to his dad on the phone!
Ryan tells his dad he loves him but people are waiting for him because he has to go be on camera now and he's adorable and this is the clip I should come back to the next time I start thinking that Ryan's dad hates him.
So weird. Ryan chills with some waiting parents but totally ignores the mom to talk to the dad. And then when the hopeful makes it through, Ryan goes out of his way to congratulate the dad. Opposite day?
Ryan meets a cowboy named John Wayne. Why would you name a kid John Wayne? Because his dad wanted to make sure that his son was a real man.
So naturally Ryan just dad issues all over John Wayne's dad.
And John Wayne's dad assures Ryan that there would be no issues if he was Ryan's dad because he doesn't raise no dad-issues-having sons and then the whole John Wayne family plus Ryan laughs about how funny it is that Daddy Wayne hates gay people and therefore Ryan and Ryan is all "you know how relieved you are that I'm not your son? I am a million times more grateful that you are not my dad" and they all laugh some more because isn't life hilarious and Ryan and John Wayne's dad pretend to pretend to fight and then they stop and laugh and Ryan actually has to wipe his eye from all the laughing he is doing at the hypothetical situation of being gay and people not liking that.
And then John Wayne turns out to be a total mamma's boy and very hands on with his mom and I've never wanted some random dude to be straight as much as I really hope this random dude is straight.
Of course, as soon as I think that, John Wayne emerges from his audition victorious and proceeds to pick Ryan up and spin him around in a hug while John Wayne's dad watches on.
So then Ryan realizes that the best way to resolve things with the man who just finished telling him in no uncertain terms that he's so glad his son's not gay like gay Ryan is to pick Daddy Wayne up and give him a spinning hug of his own.
And then Mommy Wayne takes Daddy Wayne's cowboy hat and places it on Ryan's head and somehow convinces Daddy Wayne that him pretending that Ryan is an honorary cowboy doesn't mean that Ryan is pretending that Daddy Wayne is an honorary gay.
Then the Wayne party leaves Ryan and both sides are proud of themselves for how well they pretended to like someone who they hate.
And Ryan discusses the bloody aftermath with the camera which is that the guy who basically said he would have beaten the gay out of Ryan if he were Ryan's dad, that guy's belt buckle drew blood from Ryan's hand right when he and Ryan were pretending that they were going to start a gay-straight alliance at John Wayne's school.
I just don't know about this show. That was kind of magic and kind of deeply horrific at the same time.
I think I need a break.
Yeah, so the very next segment is about a female hopeful who has a mad crush on Ryan and I can already tell that they're doing a whole skit/montage/special music thing for it and I definitely need a break before dealing with that.
Okay, Ryan fangirl. Let's see. She gets all weepy trying to find the words to express his wonder. Cheesy montage-y graphics while Lionel Richie's Hello plays.
She quietly spazzes when she realizes that there's just two more people to go until Ryan interviews her.
She talks about how she is going to marry Ryan one day. And I am all "oh, so you're a fangirl like that. See, I am a fangirl like this. We have completely different things going on re: Ryan. Also, your kind of crazy is way more delusional than my kind of crazy because my kind of crazy does not involve the mistaken belief that Ryan wants to have sexy times with a woman."
Although it is possible that I would also look like this if Ryan talked to me.
(Logo placement, LOL)
So Ryan sits down, clearly knowing her whole sitch. Except even though he's been advised about her deal, when she actually tells him that she's so excited to see him Ryan does this adorable "me?!" thing and then he sits up straighter all happy for the little ego boost.
And she's like crying all over the place and overcome so he gives her a hug that does not resemble the type of hugs he gives to pretty boys I am just saying.
And then she talks more about marrying him and makes crazy eyes at the camera and I really want to make sure that people understand that this is not what my Ryan obsession looks like. Sure, I too spend hours contemplating Ryan's sex life. And might have picked out names for his future babies. But not like this!
Heh, and then fangirl sings and gets through to the next round and Ryan gets his groove on with his would be future mother in law.
Ryan escorts an armadillo to the audition spot. As you do.
Ryan helps the armadillo strip. As you do.
Then Austin is done and everyone starts to leave and Steve Tyler wraps himself around Ryan Seacrest. As you do.
Episode 6 - Ryan Goes Home to LA
So Los Angeles is big. Compared to Ryan Seacrest.
Ryan and a cute geek dance the happy dance of good auditions and boy huggery and chest bumping.
Oh, let's look at what Ryan's wearing.
Wait, now it's the second day in LA and still nothing is happening but Ryan has changed clothes, so there's that.
Very quick shot of Ryan doing the mom thing.
Ryan getting handsy with some brothers.
And getting pulled into a group hug with their whole family.
Oh, this has nothing to do with Ryan, but was interesting. I happened to pause on this shot on a rarely-seen angle of an audition room. That's a whole lotta people watching all the auditions off to the side. Didn't expect there to be quite that many.
And we end on one of those auditions that we don't talk about and I'm not talking about it except that as soon as it's over, Ryan bounces into the room all "omg what just happened?!" and he moves so quickly that I can't even get good pics but basically he does a hop, skip, and jump across this huge room over to Randy, humps Randy's leg, then mounts Randy, then drops back down and tries to pull Randy on to the ground with him or something, all while giggling and shrieking and I think asking Randy to protect him and be his own personal bodyguard.
Alrighty then.
Episode 7 - Ryan Goes to San Francisco
So Ryan opens, walking the streets of San Francisco, and tries to explain Adam Lambert. As if mere words can do that.
Sunset Ryan makes another appearance.
And there's a montage clip of Ryan sitting between a cat from Cats and a clown and tipping over in the chair and landing on his ass.
And then we're done with auditions. Goodbye!
Next stop: Hollywood.
Kidding.
Ryan Gets New Coworkers
So as best as I can figure, the real sticking point in the whole long drawn out judge selection process was this: the clause that Ryan had added to his last contract stating that any and all future judges must be 4'10 max so that his five-foot-oh-and-a-quarter (don't forget the quarter) self could finally look tall by comparison.
Or maybe he borrowed Rick Moranis' Honey I Shrunk The device and used it on the others?
Okay, that's the summer's drama covered. Let's start playing catch up with this season and see what our "I'm not small, I'm fun-sized!" host has been up to, shall we? Here are the audition eps.
Episode 1 - Ryan Goes to New Jersey
I'd make a Jersey Shore reference here but I 1) am not familiar enough with the show to make a joke about it, and 2) don't exactly want to recall The Orange Years.
So, the show starts. Ryan, who are you dressing up as today?
I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay.
Okay.
(Maybe it actually is Dress Up Day? Randy looks ready for his first day at Hogwarts.
)
So, Ryan, it's your first day back, what longstanding habit of yours are you going to fall back on to get back into the swing of Idol?
Dancing with a mom!
There's a lot going on in this picture so I've helpfully added some labels.
IDOL IS BACK, YOU GUYS!!!!!!!
Except now Ryan is fist pumping (not a euphemism) with a random orange dude and please make it stop.
Heh. Random Jersey Girl talks to the camera about her amazing ass and boobs. Then she shoves her ass in Ryan's face and tells Ryan to look at it. Ryan: "No!"
Didn't Ryan used to, like, talk with hopefuls before and after? I seem to remember lots of hugging and comforting and cheering and picking hopefuls up and being picked up by hopefuls (um, physically lifted from the ground) and chest bumping and all that. It's like he's beelining for the moms this year.
I've watched this very carefully and I'm actually not sure if this is Mom Hugging or Awkward Mom Slow Dancing. There's swaying? While tightly gripping? And singing?
Obligatory end of day = Ryan in front of a sunset shot.
New day = new wardrobe! I do miss the days of the vintage tees, but I'm not gonna complain when Ryan decides it's time to suit up.
Ooo, random clips of Ryan dancing to Miley Cyrus!
IT'S A PARTY IN THE USA!
:-D
Ryan doing what he does best.
And comforting some twins who are crying of joy. Shut up, Randy. No, Ryan is not crying. He just got something in his eye. At the exact time that people were getting really emotional in front of him. IT'S REALLY DUSTY AND RYAN HAS ALLERGIES, OKAY?
One episode, one city down. Say goodnight, allergy-stricken but totally not crying Ryan.
Episode 2 - Ryan Goes to New Orleans
So we're in New Orleans. The judges are all incorporating some Mardi Gras styling into their wardrobe. Let's check in on Ryan letting loose.
Ryan, I don't understand your life choices, but I love that they make sense to you.
Ooh, flashback to season 4!Ryan in New Orleans with his complicated zippers and complicated hair!
Back in the now, Ryan dances with a sousaphone. As you do.
Ryan gets his giggle on with multiple generations of moms.
The oldest of whom proceeds to tell him that he looks taller on television. HA!
What happens now must be documented for posterity even if I can't capture it pictorially: Ryan drawls the phrase "slow and sticky".
So some guy takes his shirt off because J.Lo must see his abs and, no, I'm not screencapping that, and then Randy and Steven Tyler lift up their shirts because of something and, no, I'm not screencapping that, and then ab guy comes out with his shirt back on but vest and tie still in hand and ab guy and his entourage are all happy that ab guy is going to Hollywood and Ryan stops the whole celebration to be all "Hollywood, singing, blah blah blah. Can you please tell me more about your abs and their magical ability to make other guys want to wear less clothes? HELP A BROTHER OUT!" I will screencap that.
On very, very rare occasions, the show stops sucking and is good for reasons that have nothing to do with Ryan and/or Simon. But also, Ryan is there making good things better.
Ryan pretends he's in a jazz band.
Ryan comforts a crying of joy grandma.
And Ry closes out the ep by once again trying to be part of a band.
And then Ryan dances with the band and the shot pulls back to reveal that Ry is dancing on the Creole Queen.
Of course he is.
Episode 3 - Ryan Goes to Milwaukee
What are you wearing in Milwauk--
Goddammit. Go away, Danny Gokey.
Wait, and now auditions are starting? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT RYAN IS WEARING YET.
Auditions are finishing and people are exiting and we can hear Ryan there but not see him and, seriously, people, Ryan could be naked right now and I can't even tell.
I'm pretty sure Nigel Lythgoe is to blame for this.
OH, HI RYAN!
You are so worth the wait, but this outfit was not. But you are giggling your ass off trying to make it through your segment while standing outside in apparently absolute zero weather, and a little you being adorable goes a long way. Er, a brief segment of you being adorable goes a long way. I didn't call you little.
Ryan goes hardcore showing off his radio voice skillz and this is where I start really missing Simon. :-( Also, I can't screencap Ryan's voice nor the lack of Simon. Milwaukee sucks.
Ryan does his mom thing.
Except it's edited explicitly and exclusively (based on what the mom says, not anything Ryan does himself) to make even more fun of a delusional hopeful that the show is already stomping on. You did such an uncharacteristically good job of avoiding this crap in New Jersey and New Orleans, show, why are you sucking so bad right now?
*sigh*
Ryan and J.Lo do a scripted bit wherein they pretend that they hate each other almost as much as I suspect they hate each other. And I hate to quote TWoP!Jacob for anything, but:
"I can't imagine being annoyed by Ryan Seacrest. He is my wonderwall."
Exactly, Jacob. Exactly.
So Ryan chats up another mom and asks if she sings and she's all "no, only to little people" meaning children and Ryan's all "THAT'S ME!"
You guys, I think Ryan discussing his height with random people's moms might be my favourite of all.
Warning: This paragraph contains zero Ryan content. I know every season has contestants barely over the minimum age and contestants in their last eligible year and every age in between, but what's really standing out about the youngest of the young this season in their segments is how much they grew up with the show. It seems like the last couple seasons featured many mid-to-upper age range hopefuls who hadn't really watched the show before but wanted to see if Idol could help them gain a national following. But the combination of the lower age limit this year and the show's duration means that the kids who have been watching every season with their family since they were 6 and decided they wanted to grow up to be Kelly Clarkson when they were 6 are now auditioning. Crazy.
Now there's a Civil War reenactor reenacting himself reenacting a Civil War and I think I hate life. And he would like us all to know that his dad is not a hippy because hippies like sex and his dad has not had sex since his mom left them and I think I want to die. Fuck, and now he's singing. This episode does not contain nearly enough Ryan to make up for this.
Wait, this nearly makes up for it. I don't even know. There is cheering and whooping and yelling and yipping and jumping up and down and group hugs and gripping Ryan's hand for support and asses being held in place in front of Ryan's crotch and dancing and singing and and Ryan spending an awfully long time bent over and Ryan's mic pack sticking out in weird places and massages and more singing and cheering and laughing and questions about tickling and discussions about proper fluid intake and also somebody gets into Hollywood and it all happens at the same time and what we actually need here is someone not me to make a clip because mere pictures cannot capture the wonder of whatever it is that is happening.
But I'll try, with lots of pictures.
And then, when that's all done and Ryan's being all *glee* and trying to fix his clothing after all that madness, we finally get to see what he's wearing on Milwaukee day 2.
And then, just when we're coming down from that excitement, Ryan gets engaged to a giant.
So there's this accountant dude who has an inch or fifty on Ryan.
Who sings and gets through and then comes out of the audition room and completely ignores his family who are right in front of him to turn to Ryan. And bury his face in Ryan's chest.
And then lift Ryan off the ground.
Several feet off the ground. And walks Ryan over the threshold or something.
Ryan is completely overcome with joy and clings to his new husband.
Then they adjust for better crotch alignment.
Then they have their first dance.
And only then does the guy turn back to his cheering family, with an arm still around Ryan's waist, all "Mom? Dad? I have somebody I want you to meet."
At least that's how I interpret what just happened.
Between this guy and the family before, I have almost stopped hating Milwaukee.
And then I don't know. Ryan being amusing in a montage but the bits are too quick to see what's going on.
Ryan closes out the ep in an outfit I don't recognize and might actually be from the next city.
Goodbye, Milwaukee.
Episode 4 - Ryan Goes to Nashville
Hi, Ryan-in-Nashville!
Ryan saying "Rymon" will never get old. Okay, maybe he's saying "Ryman" as in the theatre, but la la la la.
Carrie Underwood clips.
Okay, so lemme digress a bit here for some Carrie Underwood news that is all drama in Ottawa, where I live, and probably hasn't been covered anywhere else except Carrie fan places. So. Ottawa is the capital of Canada and Canada likes its hockey and Ottawa likes most of its hockey players. Many years back, this pretty young hockey player named Mike Fisher came to play for Ottawa and he was good. (And also pretty. I've always thought that he looks like what would happen if Sean Maher and Matthew Bomer had a lovechild who was somehow incredibly straight and jock-y.) And then Mike started dating this person who was from some singing reality show and then they got engaged and then they got married and Ottawa was all happy because people here like Mike Fisher. (And somewhere in here I discovered Ryan Seacrest and Carrie Underwood stopped being 'some singer person who is dating Mike Fisher' and started being 'omg somebody who knows Ryan Seacrest is frequently visiting Ottawa!!!!') And then Mike decided that he wanted to move to Nashville with his wife and got traded and all of Ottawa was like D-: and some (all? most?) Ottawa radio stations got all "stop stealing our hockey boyfriend, Carrie Underwood! we are banning all your music from our stations!" and Ottawa radio listeners were all "yes, we hate Carrie! never give her airtime ever!" and Carrie and Mike were like D-: and this has seriously been a daily news item in Ottawa for the past couple weeks. I think Ryan Seacrest needs to come to Ottawa and negotiate a peace treaty between Carrie Underwood and the radio people and Carrie's hot Ottawa hubby.
Back to Ryan. Here he is being confused by problematic math when a hopeful tries to convince him (and herself) that zero equals one.
Ryan, the relationship counsellor.
And totally taking sides, hee!
Buddy here was bawling on Ryan in what seemed to be several different locations and Ryan must have needed a wardrobe change after because Buddy looked like his crying was the snotty kind.
Ryan, on the subject of a hopeful making out with someone who turns out not to be her dad but was thought by Ryan to be her dad at the time of the making out: "Holy cow."
So sometimes Ryan kind of asks leading questions in his interview-y moments with hopefuls that result in their inner crazy being revealed. And other times, Ryan just steps back and shuts down and lets the crazy announce itself.
Huh, not much Ryan in Nashville.
Episode 5 - Ryan Goes to Austin
Aw! Austin auditions get held up because Ryan is late because he's busy talking to his dad on the phone!
Ryan tells his dad he loves him but people are waiting for him because he has to go be on camera now and he's adorable and this is the clip I should come back to the next time I start thinking that Ryan's dad hates him.
So weird. Ryan chills with some waiting parents but totally ignores the mom to talk to the dad. And then when the hopeful makes it through, Ryan goes out of his way to congratulate the dad. Opposite day?
Ryan meets a cowboy named John Wayne. Why would you name a kid John Wayne? Because his dad wanted to make sure that his son was a real man.
So naturally Ryan just dad issues all over John Wayne's dad.
And John Wayne's dad assures Ryan that there would be no issues if he was Ryan's dad because he doesn't raise no dad-issues-having sons and then the whole John Wayne family plus Ryan laughs about how funny it is that Daddy Wayne hates gay people and therefore Ryan and Ryan is all "you know how relieved you are that I'm not your son? I am a million times more grateful that you are not my dad" and they all laugh some more because isn't life hilarious and Ryan and John Wayne's dad pretend to pretend to fight and then they stop and laugh and Ryan actually has to wipe his eye from all the laughing he is doing at the hypothetical situation of being gay and people not liking that.
And then John Wayne turns out to be a total mamma's boy and very hands on with his mom and I've never wanted some random dude to be straight as much as I really hope this random dude is straight.
Of course, as soon as I think that, John Wayne emerges from his audition victorious and proceeds to pick Ryan up and spin him around in a hug while John Wayne's dad watches on.
So then Ryan realizes that the best way to resolve things with the man who just finished telling him in no uncertain terms that he's so glad his son's not gay like gay Ryan is to pick Daddy Wayne up and give him a spinning hug of his own.
And then Mommy Wayne takes Daddy Wayne's cowboy hat and places it on Ryan's head and somehow convinces Daddy Wayne that him pretending that Ryan is an honorary cowboy doesn't mean that Ryan is pretending that Daddy Wayne is an honorary gay.
Then the Wayne party leaves Ryan and both sides are proud of themselves for how well they pretended to like someone who they hate.
And Ryan discusses the bloody aftermath with the camera which is that the guy who basically said he would have beaten the gay out of Ryan if he were Ryan's dad, that guy's belt buckle drew blood from Ryan's hand right when he and Ryan were pretending that they were going to start a gay-straight alliance at John Wayne's school.
I just don't know about this show. That was kind of magic and kind of deeply horrific at the same time.
I think I need a break.
Yeah, so the very next segment is about a female hopeful who has a mad crush on Ryan and I can already tell that they're doing a whole skit/montage/special music thing for it and I definitely need a break before dealing with that.
Okay, Ryan fangirl. Let's see. She gets all weepy trying to find the words to express his wonder. Cheesy montage-y graphics while Lionel Richie's Hello plays.
She quietly spazzes when she realizes that there's just two more people to go until Ryan interviews her.
She talks about how she is going to marry Ryan one day. And I am all "oh, so you're a fangirl like that. See, I am a fangirl like this. We have completely different things going on re: Ryan. Also, your kind of crazy is way more delusional than my kind of crazy because my kind of crazy does not involve the mistaken belief that Ryan wants to have sexy times with a woman."
Although it is possible that I would also look like this if Ryan talked to me.
(Logo placement, LOL)
So Ryan sits down, clearly knowing her whole sitch. Except even though he's been advised about her deal, when she actually tells him that she's so excited to see him Ryan does this adorable "me?!" thing and then he sits up straighter all happy for the little ego boost.
And she's like crying all over the place and overcome so he gives her a hug that does not resemble the type of hugs he gives to pretty boys I am just saying.
And then she talks more about marrying him and makes crazy eyes at the camera and I really want to make sure that people understand that this is not what my Ryan obsession looks like. Sure, I too spend hours contemplating Ryan's sex life. And might have picked out names for his future babies. But not like this!
Heh, and then fangirl sings and gets through to the next round and Ryan gets his groove on with his would be future mother in law.
Ryan escorts an armadillo to the audition spot. As you do.
Ryan helps the armadillo strip. As you do.
Then Austin is done and everyone starts to leave and Steve Tyler wraps himself around Ryan Seacrest. As you do.
Episode 6 - Ryan Goes Home to LA
So Los Angeles is big. Compared to Ryan Seacrest.
Ryan and a cute geek dance the happy dance of good auditions and boy huggery and chest bumping.
Oh, let's look at what Ryan's wearing.
Wait, now it's the second day in LA and still nothing is happening but Ryan has changed clothes, so there's that.
Very quick shot of Ryan doing the mom thing.
Ryan getting handsy with some brothers.
And getting pulled into a group hug with their whole family.
Oh, this has nothing to do with Ryan, but was interesting. I happened to pause on this shot on a rarely-seen angle of an audition room. That's a whole lotta people watching all the auditions off to the side. Didn't expect there to be quite that many.
And we end on one of those auditions that we don't talk about and I'm not talking about it except that as soon as it's over, Ryan bounces into the room all "omg what just happened?!" and he moves so quickly that I can't even get good pics but basically he does a hop, skip, and jump across this huge room over to Randy, humps Randy's leg, then mounts Randy, then drops back down and tries to pull Randy on to the ground with him or something, all while giggling and shrieking and I think asking Randy to protect him and be his own personal bodyguard.
Alrighty then.
Episode 7 - Ryan Goes to San Francisco
So Ryan opens, walking the streets of San Francisco, and tries to explain Adam Lambert. As if mere words can do that.
Sunset Ryan makes another appearance.
And there's a montage clip of Ryan sitting between a cat from Cats and a clown and tipping over in the chair and landing on his ass.
And then we're done with auditions. Goodbye!
Next stop: Hollywood.